The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 4, Episode 8 - The Courtship of Elly - full transcript
♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Granny, how many times I
told you it's against the law
to cook moonshine
in Beverly Hills?
I ain't cooking moonshine.
Ah, just calling it rheumatiz
medicine don't make it legal.
It ain't rheumatiz
medicine neither.
What is it?
I'm brewing up a love conjure.
Love conjure?
My great-great-granny
left me the secret.
But it's only to be used
when a woman is too old
to get a man any other way.
Oh, now, Granny, you're
still a fine figure of a woman.
It ain't for me!
It's for Elly May.
Yep. We dasn't wait any
longer to get that girl a husband.
Cousin Pearl says that folks
back home are beginning to talk,
asking about your
spinster daughter.
Yeah, well, that's
back in the hills.
Out here, girls seem to
reach their prime a mite later.
Now, Jed, let's not fool
ourselves with city talk.
You know and I
know that prime is 14.
Anything over that, and
you're slidin' downhill.
Morning, Pa. Morning, Granny.
- Want to come for a swim?
- Not me, honey.
I got to conjure...
uh, uh, cookin' to do.
What you cookin'?
I'm steamin' some grits.
What's all that for?
Gravy. Now come on. Get going.
Run along now. Hurry up.
What you sniffling about?
Is there any sadder
sight than an old maid?
Granny, just for what it's
worth, I had another talk
with Mr. Drysdale
about Elly meetin' a fella.
Well, I'll tell you
what it's worth: nothin'.
But this time he promised.
He's been promising ever
since we come to Beverly Hills.
Well, I'm done waiting on
Mr. Do-Nothing Drysdale.
He can't even get his
own secretary a husband.
Well, maybe he ain't tryin'.
Maybe Miss Jane ain't
ready to get married.
Ain't ready?
Have you ever seen the
way she looks at Jethro?
Kind of like a hungry hound
looking in a butcher's window.
And Jethro ain't exactly the
answer to a maiden's prayer.
Yeah.
Well, let's talk about Elly May.
Too late for that.
We've done talked
away her golden years.
There's only one way to get
the poor old thing a husband now.
And here it comes, Jed!
Stand back, Jed.
Perfect batch!
Is that all you get out of
this whole mess, one drop?
One drop's enough.
This is concentrated
courtship conjure.
And you think it'll get
Elly May a fella, huh?
Might even be enough left
over to get one for Miss Jane.
Chief, there's a
young man in my office
who says he's from the
Beverly Escort Service.
Oh, yes. Elly May's
date. Bring him in.
Elly May's d...
Chief, you have hired a
professional escort, a-a gigolo?
Oh, don't look so shocked.
It's only a temporary
arrangement
to get Jed Clampett off my back.
- But a gigolo!
- No.
Stop calling him that.
He is a professional companion,
a bonded employee
of a reputable firm,
which means he won't be
after the Clampetts' money.
- But, Chief...
- Bring him in.
- Thank you.
- I'm Milburn Drysdale.
- Mr. Drysdale.
- This is Miss Hathaway.
I presume you know
why you're here.
Yes, indeed, and the
pleasure's all mine.
She's a very
attractive young lady.
Not me!
Well, I'm terribly sorry.
And well you might be.
Just a moment, Miss Hathaway.
I need you to witness this
agreement with Mr. Peters.
Must I?
You must.
As you know, this
agreement calls
for your exclusive services as
an escort to Elly May Clampett.
You are to fill
her days with fun
and her evenings
with excitement.
Are you a good dancer?
- Well, I'm told I am, yes.
- Hmm.
Well, suppose we let
Miss Hathaway judge.
- Must I?
- You must.
I'm-I'm sorry. I
can't dance this way.
Must I?
You must.
Uh, you know, you're a...
you're a marvelous dancer.
Okay, that's fine.
Okay, that's enough.
All right, break
it up! Break it up!
Oh! Uh...
Chief, I-I would say his
dancing is quite adequate.
Yeah, thank you.
Now, I assume you know
how to play tennis and golf
- and ride horseback and all that.
- Yes, I do.
Perhaps I should take
the rest of the day off
- and check him out...
- Forget it.
Now, then, you will proceed
to the Clampett home,
where you will put
Plan "A" into operation.
- Plan "A"?
- Yes.
A course of action so
brilliantly conceived,
so carefully thought out,
so absolutely foolproof
that the Clampetts
will never suspect
- that you're a paid escort.
- It sounds great.
- I'd like to hear about it.
- And you will.
As soon as Miss
Hathaway comes up with it.
Oh! But, Chief...
Oh, don't worry.
If anything happens
to your Plan "A,"
I'll be ready with my Plan "B."
What's that?
You're both fired.
This is a fine mess.
- Of all the outrageous...
- Calmly, calmly.
Adversity borrows its sharpest
sting from our impatience.
- You're quoting Bishop Horne.
- Mm-hmm.
He's the subject
of my dissertation.
You're studying for a doctorate?
Literature, UCLA.
But-but this odious occupation.
Well, it pays good,
the hours are my own.
And I meet the most
fascinating people.
And I am part of all I have met.
- Tennyson.
- Yeah.
Uh, would you care to discuss
Plan "A" over a cup of coffee?
Discourse, the sweeter
banquet of the mind.
Homer?
I'll need about five
minutes with Mr. Drysdale.
You want to come up
and visit with Miss Jane?
No, thanks, Uncle Jed.
She always looks at me so funny.
Kind of like a...
Hungry hound looking
in a butcher's window?
Yes, sir. That's it.
Why do you reckon she does it?
Probably admires your brain.
Yeah.
Drive around and pick me up.
Yes, sir.
I just got to have
a talk with that boy.
I know a wonderful
little club next door
- where we can be quite alone.
- Ah.
Solitude cherishes great
virtues and destroys little ones.
Oh, Dean.
By doggies, Granny don't
have to conjure no fella for her.
Now, write your
name on this paper.
And then burn it.
Then take the ashes and put
'em in this hollowed out peach pit.
Yes, ma'am.
Then get 14 pebbles
and lay 'em out on the ground
underneath your bedroom window
in the shape of a heart.
Yes, ma'am.
Then dig a hole in the middle
and bury the peach pit
with a lock of your hair.
Yes, ma'am.
And then close your eyes
and spin around three times
and throw this magic
buckeye on the roof.
What's all this for?
Well, I might as well tell you.
When you do all that
and I throw my secret
conjure on the fire,
you'll get a fella.
That's dandy.
Just for good luck, I'll hang
a horseshoe on the door.
No. No, no, child.
I wouldn't want folks
thinking I'm superstitious.
Yes?
Hello, Chief. Jane here.
Jane, where?! Where are you?!
In the coffee shop next door.
I'm afraid we still haven't
come up with Plan "A."
Well, you come up with Plan "A"
or I'm coming
down with Plan "B."
But, Chief, we need time
to invent a convincing story.
Dean... I mean,
Mr. Peters can't just appear
at the Clampetts'
out of thin air.
Now, listen, I'm paying both
of you gold bricks by the hour.
Now you get back
up here before...
I'm busy!
Oh. Sorry I bothered you.
Mr. Clampett, wait!
I didn't know it was you!
Well, I set out
here for a spell,
but your door
was closed and I...
Well, it's open now.
Come in, come in.
But if... but if you're
busy... Not at all.
Mr. Drysdale, you're
ripping my good coat.
Oh, I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Oh, here, take mine.
- Oh, no, no.
I just wanted to talk
to you for a minute
- about getting a fella for Elly May.
- Oh. Yes.
Well, I've-I've been
working on that.
In-in fact, I've got
something cooking.
Well, so has Granny, but I'm
afraid what she's got cooking
is liable to blow
her and the windows
- plumb out of the kitchen.
- What?
Well, she is brewing up
what you call a love conjure.
A-a love conjure?
Yeah, I don't hold
much store with it myself,
but Granny thinks that
she can conjure up a fella
right out of thin air.
Now, wait a minute,
maybe she can.
You believe in such a thing?
Well, not as a rule,
but there's a certain
magic in the air today.
Now, you go back home and...
No, wait! Not-not yet!
Quick, hide in the closet.
- What?
- You heard him.
Those are orders.
I don't want to go
in the closet. What?
Ours not to reason why.
I-I'm sorry, Mr. Clampett.
I was looking for a needle
and thread to fix your coat.
Well, never mind about
that, but I'd appreciate it
if you'd keep
looking for a fella.
I have a feeling
that Granny's conjure
is going to get
action this time.
Oh, it's got action before.
I remember one time back home
it, uh, brought every fella
within five miles a-runnin'.
- Really?
- Yep. She set the cabin on fire.
Mr. Drysdale, that
ain't very funny.
Of course not. I'm very sorry.
But Elly May will get a fellow.
I guarantee it.
In writing.
- Thank you.
- Good-bye.
Okay, you can come out now.
Miss Hathaway, you
can come out now!
Come out here!
We were discussing Plan "A."
I've got Plan "A."
You are going to be conjured.
I don't have to get in
the closet for that, do I?
No. Sit down. I'll explain.
Get it to roarin'
real good, Jethro.
When I throw my
love conjure on it,
I want that smoke
to blow all over town.
Ain't that kind
of risky, Granny?
Ain't no tellin' who
that smoke'll blow on.
That's the chance
we got to take, Jed.
You let your
daughter get too old
for pickin' and choosin'...
Her best years is behind her.
If them's her best years, I'd
hate to think what's coming up.
Hush up and go split some wood!
I done split a half a cord.
Then go split the other half!
Uncle Jed... Do what
your granny says, boy.
Yes, sir.
Granny, maybe
things is picking up
out here in Beverly Hills.
Miss Jane got herself a fella.
I ain't conjurin' for Miss Jane.
I'm conjurin' for my
old maid granddaughter.
And I aim to see her married
before she's all wasted away.
Elly could waste away a good
bit and still be ahead of Miss Jane.
Jed, I been working
three days on this conjure,
and I aim to
throw it in that fire.
Now, get dressed in
your company clothes
while I say my spell.
I think I'll wait
till you're done;
I might have to
do some firefightin'.
Magic powder, magic brew,
in the fire and up the flue,
fetch a man and fetch a minister
so poor old Elly
won't be a spinister.
"Spinister"?
I'm a scientist, not a poet!
That always takes
a lot out of me.
Don't just stand there; go
get in your company clothes
before that beau
of Elly gets here.
Where is Elly?
Oh, I got her ready and waitin'.
Purty as a picture.
That young fella will never
suspect she's over the hill.
Oh, boy.
All this and $50 million,
and they have to hire an escort.
A Lollobrigida I can't expect.
Howdy, young fella!
Uh... how do you do, madam?
Uh, I was drawn to this house
by a strange force
I couldn't resist.
You don't say.
Come in. Come in.
Uh, you wouldn't, by
any chance, be Elly May?
No, no, no.
I'm her granny.
Nice. Very nice.
Ain't science wonderful?
I-I beg your pardon?
Oh, oh, nothin'.
Now, before I let you
meet my granddaughter,
I got to know all about you.
Well, my name is Dean Peters...
That's enough. Elly May!
There's a fella down
here to meet you!
Leave your dolls
and come on down!
Did you say "dolls"?
Yes.
She's a sweet young
thing, right in her prime.
How old is she?
Take a guess.
12? 13? 14?
That's close enough.
Give me your doll and
your lollipop, honey.
You're old enough
for fellas now.
This is Dean Peters.
He's come to keep
company with you.
How do you do, Elly?
Howdy.
Curtsy like I told you.
Ain't she sweet?
Now, you two go
on in the parlor,
and I'll fetch some lemonade.
Skip, honey.
Granny, I feel like a dern fool.
I got you a fella, didn't I?
Yes'm.
You got to keep him
thinking you're marryin' age.
Now, skip.
Right in her prime.
Now, go get acquainted.
Jed! Jed!
Wait till you see the
fella I conjured for Elly.
- You mean it worked?
- Of course!
Look in the parlor.
Who's that little girl?
That's your daughter.
Uh-oh.
I was afraid of blowing
that smoke all over town.
What you mean?
You done conjured
up Miss Jane's fella.
- No!
- Yeah.
Chief, Mr. Peters is calling
from the Clampett house.
He seems quite distressed.
If anything's gone wrong,
you're going up there and
sign a written confession!
I have nothing to confess.
I'll write it, you sign it!
Hello?
Mr. Drysdale, you don't
need an escort for Elly May,
you need a babysitter.
All she wants to do is toast
marshmallows and skip rope.
I don't care if she
wants to play jacks!
Oh, really? Who won?
Now, you listen
to me, young fella!
I'm paying you to
entertain that girl,
and that's what
you're going to do,
if you have to
play hide-and-seek!
Oh, really?
Well, hang up
before she finds you.
Granny... you ain't brewing up
another batch of that
love conjure, are you?
Course not.
I'm working agin time to
come up with an anecdote.
I don't want to steal
Miss Jane's fella
any more than you do.
Well, couldn't you use some of
your "lettin' go" powder on him?
I can try, but it would be like
huntin' bear with a flyswatter.
That's the most
powerful conjure I ever...
Come on, Dean. We can
have more fun out back.
There's some critters out there.
Just a minute,
young feller. Um...
Yes, Mr. Clampett?
What do you think
of my daughter?
Elly?
Well, she's a wonderful girl.
Lots of fun, million laughs.
- Not too young, huh?
- No, sir.
She's right in her prime.
You like her better
than Miss Jane?
Who's Miss Jane?
Powder, powder, white as snow,
make the conjure spell let go!
Uh, now, what game is that?
That ain't no game.
How you feel about
my daughter now?
Well, I-I told you... she's
a wonderful girl, lots of fun.
Uh... we're gonna
play hopscotch now.
Granny, you're right.
Like huntin' bear
with a flyswatter.
Our only hope is
brewing in that pot.
That is the strongest
conjure-buster I e...
I'm sorry, Jed.
I've reached the outer
limits of scientific knowledge.
Well, Granny... I reckon
there's some things
us humans just
ain't meant to know.
Maybe it's just as well.
It could have had some
terrible side effects.
Well, there's only one
thing we can do now,
and that is find Miss
Jane another fella.
Yeah, but where?
Well, got all the wood split.
Why are you all
looking at me like that?
Uncle Jed?
Granny, why are y'all
looking at me like that?
Come on, boy.
I'm gonna let you
use my courtin' outfit.
What for? Who am I gonna court?
Uncle Jed, who am I gonna court?
Jethro!
Howdy, sweetheart.
I love you.
What?
You're prettier
than these flowers
and sweeter than this candy.
♪ You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine... ♪
Jethro, Jethro, what's going on?
I'm courtin' ya.
I can't eat or sleep without ya.
Oh, now, now!
That's the truth... Granny
won't feed me or make my bed.
♪ You are my sunshine ♪
♪ My only sunshine... ♪
What's going on out here?
J-Jethro's courting me.
What?
I got to make her forget
about losing her fella.
♪ You are my sunshine... ♪
Hold it, hold it. What fella?
The one Granny
conjured away for Elly.
Except Elly don't
care nothin' fer him.
But he's crazy mad for
her, 'cause she looks 14.
And Granny couldn't
bust the conjure,
so Uncle Jed says I
got to court Miss Jane.
♪ You are my sunshine... ♪
Jethro, Jethro, that's enough.
That's all I know, anyway.
I only learned how to
play about a half hour ago.
Chief, I suggest that I return
to the Clampett ménage
with this young swain
and determine the
situation firsthand.
Okay. If things are as
fouled up as they sound,
here is a full confession
for you to sign.
Granny.
Oh, Miss Jane, did Jethro
heal your broke heart?
- Well...
- I done my best, Granny.
Well, don't worry, I'm
gonna fix everything.
Come upstairs and
take your clothes off.
All of 'em?
Not you! Get to the kitchen!
Aw, Granny...
Wh-Where's Mr. Peters?
He's in the parlor,
dead to the world.
Elly beat him 40 straight
games of hopscotch.
Hopscotch?
Go upstairs; Elly'll
show you what to do.
Mr. Drysdale, I-I
can't take anymore.
I got to get out of here.
All right, you don't have
to pay me, I'll pay you.
Mr. Peters?
Oh, so you woke up, did you?
Yes, ma'am.
But no more hopscotch, please?
Oh, no, nothin' like that.
- Son.
- Hmm?
Brace yourself for a shock.
Another one?
Now, this is gonna hurt.
But then'll come something
good to make you forget.
Come in, Elly!
That's Elly?
Yeah.
We've deceived ya.
She ain't 14.
I'll say she ain't.
I don't blame you
for being upset.
No man wants a woman
that fer over the hill.
But now comes the good part.
You wait here.
Miss Jane!
Granny, I-I can't
possibly... Yes, you can.
All's fair in love and war.
Dean, I know this must
seem ridiculous to you, but...
Please, this is the sanest thing
that's happened to me all day.
Let's get out of here.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bye, Granny. Thank you.
Bye.
Well, it looks like
that done the trick, Granny.
I sure am glad he's gone.
Yeah, but now you
ain't got no fella.
Say, that's right!
Well... back to the laboratory.
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Granny, how many times I
told you it's against the law
to cook moonshine
in Beverly Hills?
I ain't cooking moonshine.
Ah, just calling it rheumatiz
medicine don't make it legal.
It ain't rheumatiz
medicine neither.
What is it?
I'm brewing up a love conjure.
Love conjure?
My great-great-granny
left me the secret.
But it's only to be used
when a woman is too old
to get a man any other way.
Oh, now, Granny, you're
still a fine figure of a woman.
It ain't for me!
It's for Elly May.
Yep. We dasn't wait any
longer to get that girl a husband.
Cousin Pearl says that folks
back home are beginning to talk,
asking about your
spinster daughter.
Yeah, well, that's
back in the hills.
Out here, girls seem to
reach their prime a mite later.
Now, Jed, let's not fool
ourselves with city talk.
You know and I
know that prime is 14.
Anything over that, and
you're slidin' downhill.
Morning, Pa. Morning, Granny.
- Want to come for a swim?
- Not me, honey.
I got to conjure...
uh, uh, cookin' to do.
What you cookin'?
I'm steamin' some grits.
What's all that for?
Gravy. Now come on. Get going.
Run along now. Hurry up.
What you sniffling about?
Is there any sadder
sight than an old maid?
Granny, just for what it's
worth, I had another talk
with Mr. Drysdale
about Elly meetin' a fella.
Well, I'll tell you
what it's worth: nothin'.
But this time he promised.
He's been promising ever
since we come to Beverly Hills.
Well, I'm done waiting on
Mr. Do-Nothing Drysdale.
He can't even get his
own secretary a husband.
Well, maybe he ain't tryin'.
Maybe Miss Jane ain't
ready to get married.
Ain't ready?
Have you ever seen the
way she looks at Jethro?
Kind of like a hungry hound
looking in a butcher's window.
And Jethro ain't exactly the
answer to a maiden's prayer.
Yeah.
Well, let's talk about Elly May.
Too late for that.
We've done talked
away her golden years.
There's only one way to get
the poor old thing a husband now.
And here it comes, Jed!
Stand back, Jed.
Perfect batch!
Is that all you get out of
this whole mess, one drop?
One drop's enough.
This is concentrated
courtship conjure.
And you think it'll get
Elly May a fella, huh?
Might even be enough left
over to get one for Miss Jane.
Chief, there's a
young man in my office
who says he's from the
Beverly Escort Service.
Oh, yes. Elly May's
date. Bring him in.
Elly May's d...
Chief, you have hired a
professional escort, a-a gigolo?
Oh, don't look so shocked.
It's only a temporary
arrangement
to get Jed Clampett off my back.
- But a gigolo!
- No.
Stop calling him that.
He is a professional companion,
a bonded employee
of a reputable firm,
which means he won't be
after the Clampetts' money.
- But, Chief...
- Bring him in.
- Thank you.
- I'm Milburn Drysdale.
- Mr. Drysdale.
- This is Miss Hathaway.
I presume you know
why you're here.
Yes, indeed, and the
pleasure's all mine.
She's a very
attractive young lady.
Not me!
Well, I'm terribly sorry.
And well you might be.
Just a moment, Miss Hathaway.
I need you to witness this
agreement with Mr. Peters.
Must I?
You must.
As you know, this
agreement calls
for your exclusive services as
an escort to Elly May Clampett.
You are to fill
her days with fun
and her evenings
with excitement.
Are you a good dancer?
- Well, I'm told I am, yes.
- Hmm.
Well, suppose we let
Miss Hathaway judge.
- Must I?
- You must.
I'm-I'm sorry. I
can't dance this way.
Must I?
You must.
Uh, you know, you're a...
you're a marvelous dancer.
Okay, that's fine.
Okay, that's enough.
All right, break
it up! Break it up!
Oh! Uh...
Chief, I-I would say his
dancing is quite adequate.
Yeah, thank you.
Now, I assume you know
how to play tennis and golf
- and ride horseback and all that.
- Yes, I do.
Perhaps I should take
the rest of the day off
- and check him out...
- Forget it.
Now, then, you will proceed
to the Clampett home,
where you will put
Plan "A" into operation.
- Plan "A"?
- Yes.
A course of action so
brilliantly conceived,
so carefully thought out,
so absolutely foolproof
that the Clampetts
will never suspect
- that you're a paid escort.
- It sounds great.
- I'd like to hear about it.
- And you will.
As soon as Miss
Hathaway comes up with it.
Oh! But, Chief...
Oh, don't worry.
If anything happens
to your Plan "A,"
I'll be ready with my Plan "B."
What's that?
You're both fired.
This is a fine mess.
- Of all the outrageous...
- Calmly, calmly.
Adversity borrows its sharpest
sting from our impatience.
- You're quoting Bishop Horne.
- Mm-hmm.
He's the subject
of my dissertation.
You're studying for a doctorate?
Literature, UCLA.
But-but this odious occupation.
Well, it pays good,
the hours are my own.
And I meet the most
fascinating people.
And I am part of all I have met.
- Tennyson.
- Yeah.
Uh, would you care to discuss
Plan "A" over a cup of coffee?
Discourse, the sweeter
banquet of the mind.
Homer?
I'll need about five
minutes with Mr. Drysdale.
You want to come up
and visit with Miss Jane?
No, thanks, Uncle Jed.
She always looks at me so funny.
Kind of like a...
Hungry hound looking
in a butcher's window?
Yes, sir. That's it.
Why do you reckon she does it?
Probably admires your brain.
Yeah.
Drive around and pick me up.
Yes, sir.
I just got to have
a talk with that boy.
I know a wonderful
little club next door
- where we can be quite alone.
- Ah.
Solitude cherishes great
virtues and destroys little ones.
Oh, Dean.
By doggies, Granny don't
have to conjure no fella for her.
Now, write your
name on this paper.
And then burn it.
Then take the ashes and put
'em in this hollowed out peach pit.
Yes, ma'am.
Then get 14 pebbles
and lay 'em out on the ground
underneath your bedroom window
in the shape of a heart.
Yes, ma'am.
Then dig a hole in the middle
and bury the peach pit
with a lock of your hair.
Yes, ma'am.
And then close your eyes
and spin around three times
and throw this magic
buckeye on the roof.
What's all this for?
Well, I might as well tell you.
When you do all that
and I throw my secret
conjure on the fire,
you'll get a fella.
That's dandy.
Just for good luck, I'll hang
a horseshoe on the door.
No. No, no, child.
I wouldn't want folks
thinking I'm superstitious.
Yes?
Hello, Chief. Jane here.
Jane, where?! Where are you?!
In the coffee shop next door.
I'm afraid we still haven't
come up with Plan "A."
Well, you come up with Plan "A"
or I'm coming
down with Plan "B."
But, Chief, we need time
to invent a convincing story.
Dean... I mean,
Mr. Peters can't just appear
at the Clampetts'
out of thin air.
Now, listen, I'm paying both
of you gold bricks by the hour.
Now you get back
up here before...
I'm busy!
Oh. Sorry I bothered you.
Mr. Clampett, wait!
I didn't know it was you!
Well, I set out
here for a spell,
but your door
was closed and I...
Well, it's open now.
Come in, come in.
But if... but if you're
busy... Not at all.
Mr. Drysdale, you're
ripping my good coat.
Oh, I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Oh, here, take mine.
- Oh, no, no.
I just wanted to talk
to you for a minute
- about getting a fella for Elly May.
- Oh. Yes.
Well, I've-I've been
working on that.
In-in fact, I've got
something cooking.
Well, so has Granny, but I'm
afraid what she's got cooking
is liable to blow
her and the windows
- plumb out of the kitchen.
- What?
Well, she is brewing up
what you call a love conjure.
A-a love conjure?
Yeah, I don't hold
much store with it myself,
but Granny thinks that
she can conjure up a fella
right out of thin air.
Now, wait a minute,
maybe she can.
You believe in such a thing?
Well, not as a rule,
but there's a certain
magic in the air today.
Now, you go back home and...
No, wait! Not-not yet!
Quick, hide in the closet.
- What?
- You heard him.
Those are orders.
I don't want to go
in the closet. What?
Ours not to reason why.
I-I'm sorry, Mr. Clampett.
I was looking for a needle
and thread to fix your coat.
Well, never mind about
that, but I'd appreciate it
if you'd keep
looking for a fella.
I have a feeling
that Granny's conjure
is going to get
action this time.
Oh, it's got action before.
I remember one time back home
it, uh, brought every fella
within five miles a-runnin'.
- Really?
- Yep. She set the cabin on fire.
Mr. Drysdale, that
ain't very funny.
Of course not. I'm very sorry.
But Elly May will get a fellow.
I guarantee it.
In writing.
- Thank you.
- Good-bye.
Okay, you can come out now.
Miss Hathaway, you
can come out now!
Come out here!
We were discussing Plan "A."
I've got Plan "A."
You are going to be conjured.
I don't have to get in
the closet for that, do I?
No. Sit down. I'll explain.
Get it to roarin'
real good, Jethro.
When I throw my
love conjure on it,
I want that smoke
to blow all over town.
Ain't that kind
of risky, Granny?
Ain't no tellin' who
that smoke'll blow on.
That's the chance
we got to take, Jed.
You let your
daughter get too old
for pickin' and choosin'...
Her best years is behind her.
If them's her best years, I'd
hate to think what's coming up.
Hush up and go split some wood!
I done split a half a cord.
Then go split the other half!
Uncle Jed... Do what
your granny says, boy.
Yes, sir.
Granny, maybe
things is picking up
out here in Beverly Hills.
Miss Jane got herself a fella.
I ain't conjurin' for Miss Jane.
I'm conjurin' for my
old maid granddaughter.
And I aim to see her married
before she's all wasted away.
Elly could waste away a good
bit and still be ahead of Miss Jane.
Jed, I been working
three days on this conjure,
and I aim to
throw it in that fire.
Now, get dressed in
your company clothes
while I say my spell.
I think I'll wait
till you're done;
I might have to
do some firefightin'.
Magic powder, magic brew,
in the fire and up the flue,
fetch a man and fetch a minister
so poor old Elly
won't be a spinister.
"Spinister"?
I'm a scientist, not a poet!
That always takes
a lot out of me.
Don't just stand there; go
get in your company clothes
before that beau
of Elly gets here.
Where is Elly?
Oh, I got her ready and waitin'.
Purty as a picture.
That young fella will never
suspect she's over the hill.
Oh, boy.
All this and $50 million,
and they have to hire an escort.
A Lollobrigida I can't expect.
Howdy, young fella!
Uh... how do you do, madam?
Uh, I was drawn to this house
by a strange force
I couldn't resist.
You don't say.
Come in. Come in.
Uh, you wouldn't, by
any chance, be Elly May?
No, no, no.
I'm her granny.
Nice. Very nice.
Ain't science wonderful?
I-I beg your pardon?
Oh, oh, nothin'.
Now, before I let you
meet my granddaughter,
I got to know all about you.
Well, my name is Dean Peters...
That's enough. Elly May!
There's a fella down
here to meet you!
Leave your dolls
and come on down!
Did you say "dolls"?
Yes.
She's a sweet young
thing, right in her prime.
How old is she?
Take a guess.
12? 13? 14?
That's close enough.
Give me your doll and
your lollipop, honey.
You're old enough
for fellas now.
This is Dean Peters.
He's come to keep
company with you.
How do you do, Elly?
Howdy.
Curtsy like I told you.
Ain't she sweet?
Now, you two go
on in the parlor,
and I'll fetch some lemonade.
Skip, honey.
Granny, I feel like a dern fool.
I got you a fella, didn't I?
Yes'm.
You got to keep him
thinking you're marryin' age.
Now, skip.
Right in her prime.
Now, go get acquainted.
Jed! Jed!
Wait till you see the
fella I conjured for Elly.
- You mean it worked?
- Of course!
Look in the parlor.
Who's that little girl?
That's your daughter.
Uh-oh.
I was afraid of blowing
that smoke all over town.
What you mean?
You done conjured
up Miss Jane's fella.
- No!
- Yeah.
Chief, Mr. Peters is calling
from the Clampett house.
He seems quite distressed.
If anything's gone wrong,
you're going up there and
sign a written confession!
I have nothing to confess.
I'll write it, you sign it!
Hello?
Mr. Drysdale, you don't
need an escort for Elly May,
you need a babysitter.
All she wants to do is toast
marshmallows and skip rope.
I don't care if she
wants to play jacks!
Oh, really? Who won?
Now, you listen
to me, young fella!
I'm paying you to
entertain that girl,
and that's what
you're going to do,
if you have to
play hide-and-seek!
Oh, really?
Well, hang up
before she finds you.
Granny... you ain't brewing up
another batch of that
love conjure, are you?
Course not.
I'm working agin time to
come up with an anecdote.
I don't want to steal
Miss Jane's fella
any more than you do.
Well, couldn't you use some of
your "lettin' go" powder on him?
I can try, but it would be like
huntin' bear with a flyswatter.
That's the most
powerful conjure I ever...
Come on, Dean. We can
have more fun out back.
There's some critters out there.
Just a minute,
young feller. Um...
Yes, Mr. Clampett?
What do you think
of my daughter?
Elly?
Well, she's a wonderful girl.
Lots of fun, million laughs.
- Not too young, huh?
- No, sir.
She's right in her prime.
You like her better
than Miss Jane?
Who's Miss Jane?
Powder, powder, white as snow,
make the conjure spell let go!
Uh, now, what game is that?
That ain't no game.
How you feel about
my daughter now?
Well, I-I told you... she's
a wonderful girl, lots of fun.
Uh... we're gonna
play hopscotch now.
Granny, you're right.
Like huntin' bear
with a flyswatter.
Our only hope is
brewing in that pot.
That is the strongest
conjure-buster I e...
I'm sorry, Jed.
I've reached the outer
limits of scientific knowledge.
Well, Granny... I reckon
there's some things
us humans just
ain't meant to know.
Maybe it's just as well.
It could have had some
terrible side effects.
Well, there's only one
thing we can do now,
and that is find Miss
Jane another fella.
Yeah, but where?
Well, got all the wood split.
Why are you all
looking at me like that?
Uncle Jed?
Granny, why are y'all
looking at me like that?
Come on, boy.
I'm gonna let you
use my courtin' outfit.
What for? Who am I gonna court?
Uncle Jed, who am I gonna court?
Jethro!
Howdy, sweetheart.
I love you.
What?
You're prettier
than these flowers
and sweeter than this candy.
♪ You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine... ♪
Jethro, Jethro, what's going on?
I'm courtin' ya.
I can't eat or sleep without ya.
Oh, now, now!
That's the truth... Granny
won't feed me or make my bed.
♪ You are my sunshine ♪
♪ My only sunshine... ♪
What's going on out here?
J-Jethro's courting me.
What?
I got to make her forget
about losing her fella.
♪ You are my sunshine... ♪
Hold it, hold it. What fella?
The one Granny
conjured away for Elly.
Except Elly don't
care nothin' fer him.
But he's crazy mad for
her, 'cause she looks 14.
And Granny couldn't
bust the conjure,
so Uncle Jed says I
got to court Miss Jane.
♪ You are my sunshine... ♪
Jethro, Jethro, that's enough.
That's all I know, anyway.
I only learned how to
play about a half hour ago.
Chief, I suggest that I return
to the Clampett ménage
with this young swain
and determine the
situation firsthand.
Okay. If things are as
fouled up as they sound,
here is a full confession
for you to sign.
Granny.
Oh, Miss Jane, did Jethro
heal your broke heart?
- Well...
- I done my best, Granny.
Well, don't worry, I'm
gonna fix everything.
Come upstairs and
take your clothes off.
All of 'em?
Not you! Get to the kitchen!
Aw, Granny...
Wh-Where's Mr. Peters?
He's in the parlor,
dead to the world.
Elly beat him 40 straight
games of hopscotch.
Hopscotch?
Go upstairs; Elly'll
show you what to do.
Mr. Drysdale, I-I
can't take anymore.
I got to get out of here.
All right, you don't have
to pay me, I'll pay you.
Mr. Peters?
Oh, so you woke up, did you?
Yes, ma'am.
But no more hopscotch, please?
Oh, no, nothin' like that.
- Son.
- Hmm?
Brace yourself for a shock.
Another one?
Now, this is gonna hurt.
But then'll come something
good to make you forget.
Come in, Elly!
That's Elly?
Yeah.
We've deceived ya.
She ain't 14.
I'll say she ain't.
I don't blame you
for being upset.
No man wants a woman
that fer over the hill.
But now comes the good part.
You wait here.
Miss Jane!
Granny, I-I can't
possibly... Yes, you can.
All's fair in love and war.
Dean, I know this must
seem ridiculous to you, but...
Please, this is the sanest thing
that's happened to me all day.
Let's get out of here.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bye, Granny. Thank you.
Bye.
Well, it looks like
that done the trick, Granny.
I sure am glad he's gone.
Yeah, but now you
ain't got no fella.
Say, that's right!
Well... back to the laboratory.
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
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