The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 4, Episode 7 - The Clampetts Play the Rams - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Where you going in
Pa's courting derby?

I'm going to pick up my
sweetie, that's where.

What sweetie?

Mrs. Drysdale's pretty
new maid, Linda Curry.

She is crazy mad
in love with me.

Ha, ho, ho.

Well, she is, and
when we come back

to spark and
spoon in the parlor,

I'd appreciate it if you
and Arnie were missing.

You couldn't get her in the
parlor with a team of mules.

Is that so?

Well, it just so
happens it was her idea.

To set in the parlor with you?

Mm-hmm-hmm.

That's right.

She says that I
have got something

that none of her
other fellows has got.

He's got color television.

And I don't want to
miss that game tonight.

The Rams are
playing the Packers.

But how can you stand
Jethro for a whole evening?

I won't even know
Jethro's in the same room.

Billy Munson's
starting at quarterback.

Oh, is he dreamy.

Nah, you can keep those
fancy Dan quarterbacks.

Give me those linemen.

Pow! Boom, boom, boom.

Hey, how about me coming along?

I don't know.

Jethro thinks this
is a regular date.

It might be...

Wait a minute, Mr. Drysdale's
going to be out tonight.

Can't you watch it here?

Eh, I could if old tight-fingers

would break down
and buy a new set.

What's the matter?
Doesn't the old one work?

Yeah, it works all
right, but let's face it.

Football just isn't football
on a three-inch screen.

Especially those round ones.

There's my date.

Listen, uh, maybe I could
drop over a little later, huh?

Well, okay.

The television's in
what they call the parlor.

Honey, I don't care if it's
in what they call the closet.

I'll be there.

Nothing like a fire to
make a courting parlor

cozy and romantic.

That's right.

Of course, your popcorn
and fudge helps a lot, too.

And I made a nice big
pitcher of sour lemonade.

That ought to get
'em puckered up!

By the way, who's this
fella coming to court Elly?

Well, Elly ain't using the
parlor tonight, Granny.

It's Jethro.

Jethro?

Yeah, he's bringing
his sweetie over.

Well, why don't
they set in her parlor?

Well, probably 'cause
she ain't got one.

She's Mrs. Drysdale's new maid.

I'll take these
back to the kitchen.

When there's vittles around,

Jethro will forget
all about the girl.

Oh, not this girl, Granny.

I hear tell she's mighty pretty

and Jethro is head-over-heels,
falling-down, glassy-eyed

in love with her.

Heaven help us.

When that boy's
around a pretty girl,

he plumb loses what
little sense he's got.

Does seem to rattle him a mite.

Put that boy next to a girl,

and he couldn't pour
sand out of his boot

if the directions were
wrote on the heel.

True, but then as he gets
bigger, he'll get smarter.

Course, it does seem
the one is happening

a lot quicker than the other.

Well, here we are.

Yeah.

Let's not waste
time out here, Jethro.

Lead me to that parlor.

Hot dog!

Excuse us.

We'd like to be alone.

Forgot my girl.

See what I mean?

He just ain't to be believed.

- Easy, now, easy.
- Don't drag her!

It's all right, I'm in a
bigger hurry than he is.

Well, now did you see that?

I just can't figure it out.

Maybe Jethro's
smarter than he seems.

Well, he'd pert near have to be.

Let's sit here, shall we?

Okay.

Oh, would you
dim the lights first?

Yes, ma'am.

And hurry, Jethro.

I will. I will.

It's almost time for the game.

What game is that, post
office or spin the bottle?

Rams and Packers.

Well, I don't know
much about that one,

but if it's got kissing
in it, I'll learn it.

It's football, Jethro.

Y-You want to play football?

No, no, I just want to watch.

Well, gee whiz, I'd rather
we played something together.

The football game
is on television.

Now, we can sit
here and watch it.

Watch television?

Yes.

Not me.

I'm gonna have some fun.

Now, Jethro.

And you ain't gonna stop me.

- I'll scream.
- Go ahead.

I'm eating this fudge.

Jed, that girl has been
alone in the parlor with Jethro

for pert near an hour.

Maybe I'd better go see
if she needs some help.

Now, Granny,
Jethro is a proper boy.

It ain't that.

It's to help her stay awake.

Oh.

Being alone with Jethro

is about as exciting
as watching ice melt.

Well, now, uh, maybe
his getting smarter

has caught up with
his getting bigger.

Excuse me, could I please
have a glass of water?

You bet. We got a pitcher
right here in the icebox.

What's the matter, honey?

Did you fall asleep?

Fall asleep?

Why, this is the most
thrilling and exciting evening

I've ever had.

It is?

Yes, and it's only half over.

Would you like to
come in and watch?

Well, um, um, um, I don't...

uh, I don't hardly...

um, I don't believe so, ma'am.

Do you know the score?

I think I do. Yes.

Am I in time for
the second half?

You sure are, Marie.

Say, you don't mind if
she joins us, do you?

Well, uh, no, if it's
all right with Jethro.

Oh, he's being
such a sweetheart.

Come on, Marie.

I invited a couple friends.

Come on, girls.

There's going to be four of you?

Oh, it's all right.

There are two sofas.

Come on.

Come on, for real, come on.

Well, Granny... you got to admit
that boy has made progress.

Yeah.

Have you ever had
that long talk with him?

Well, it seems I started
a couple of times,

but I ain't sure
I ever finished.

Well, don't.

Jethro!

Granny says come
in and have breakfast.

What are you doing?

The woman I love don't love me,

so I'm gonna drown myself.

I'm going to throw all this
stuff into the cement pond

and sink clean to the bottom.

Hey, Linda!

Would you look
over here, please?

Fixing to do myself in!

Now, Jethro, don't do it.

Sorry, Elly, it's
too late to stop me.

But you'll get all these
tools and stuff rusty.

Boy, you women are all alike!

You don't care nothing about
a fella having a busted heart.

Hand me that paper over yonder.

I'm gonna cut
you out of my will.

What'd you leave me?

My four-bladed pocket knife.

Thanks!

Hey, wait a minute!

Come back here.

Doggone women anyhow.

Hey, Linda!

Are you gonna
watch me or ain't you?

Stop that hollering, boy.

Granny wants you to
come in and eat now.

What in the blue blazes?

Done had my last
meal, Uncle Jed.

I'm just getting ready to push

all this stuff into
the cement pond.

What for?

I aim to break Linda's
heart like she broke mine.

This stuff belong to her?

No, sir, it belongs
to you and Granny.

Well, then, I don't believe
I'd be shoving it in the pond.

You don't understand.

I'm going to that big
courting parlor in the sky.

You get this stuff rusty,

and you're going to that
little woodshed out back.

Besides, with
these ropes tied on,

you're gonna get
pulled in yourself.

That's the whole idea.

I got nothing to live for.

You had four women
fighting to get in the parlor

with you last night, and
you got nothing to live for?

All they wanted to do was watch
the football game on television.

Linda, too?

She was the worst of all.

She acted like I
wasn't even there.

She'll change her tune
when I drown myself.

Uh, Jethro... Boy,
I can hardly wait.

She'll come tearing
through that hedge,

wailing and bellering, throw
herself on my lifeless body,

smother me with kisses,
beg me to love her.

Boy, am I gonna enjoy that.

Here I go, Linda!

Jethro?

Yeah, Uncle Jed, what?

How are you gonna enjoy
anything when you're drowned?

Pert near made
a mistake, didn't I?

Doggone it, Uncle Jed,
what am I gonna do?

I'm crazy mad
in love with Linda,

and all she cares
about is football players.

Well, then, be one.

You can't just haul off
and be a football player.

You got to have a
fancy padded uniform.

Then, haul off and get one.

You got to belong to a team
and have somebody to play with.

Granny and Elly and me will
play with you if you learn us how.

Well, I don't know a
whole heap about it myself.

I'll tell you what, Jethro.

You get the uniforms,
and I'll call Mr. Drysdale.

Between him and Miss Jane,
they know just about everything.

You reckon that'll
get Linda to like me?

Well, I'd say it's
got a better chance

than sitting on the
bottom of the pond

hitched up to a half
a ton of scrap iron.

What do you suppose
brought about the Clampetts'

sudden interest in football?

Who cares?

It's a wonderful game

and something they
can't get back in the hills.

Now, we've got to
turn them into real fans.

These are excellent
books on the subject.

Forget it.

You got to have someone
who's played the game

to explain football.

Oh, I didn't realize.

Where did you play?

Michigan.

Minnesota.

- Really?
- Yup.

There was a vacant
lot on the corner

of Michigan and Minnesota.

Well, howdy there,
come in. Come in.

- Nice to see you.
- Mr. Clampett.

Mighty nice of you to come over.

Well, our pleasure.

You know, I'm delighted to hear

that you're
interested in football.

Yes, it's a wonderful sport.

Well, Jethro's the one
that's all stoked up over it,

but the rest of us would be
obliged if you'd learn us, too.

- Oh, no trick at all.
- Granny's out in the kitchen.

Yeah. Let's get out
there with the old pigskin.

Mr. Drysdale, I wouldn't
call her that to her face.

Howdy there.

Howdy, y'all.

Greetings, Granny, Elly May.

Mr. Drysdale's gonna
learn us how to play football.

You play, Mr. Drysdale?

Well, not anymore,

but at one time I was known
as the iron man of Michigan.

And Minnesota.

Yes.

Whenever we were in trouble,

the quarterback
would call my number.

And you'd tell him what
to do on the phone, huh?

Oh, no, no.

I was in the game.

He'd call on me
to take a handoff.

Take your hand off what?

I'll try to explain.

Now, suppose Miss
Hathaway is the quarterback.

Now, I am the running halfback.

Now... slap the old pigskin
right in the breadbasket.

- Aah!
- Ooh!

That was dandy.

What do you do
now, pick up the ball?

Your sacroiliac again?

Yes. Get me home quick

before Granny
tries to talk to me.

I'm afraid that's the
end of the lesson.

Well, let's not stand here.

You only learn by doin'.

Hurt your back, Mr. Drysdale?

No, I walk this way to
keep the rain out of my face.

- Uh, Mr. Drysdale.
- What? What?

- Do you like ice hockey?
- I love it,

but I don't feel like
playing right now.

- But, sir...
- What?!

Well, there's a
marvelous hockey game

on television tonight...
Color television.

So?

So I thought maybe you'd
like to have a color set.

They're dirt cheap right now.

They make them in
a three-inch screen?

No, but you can get
a 21-inch for... $400.

Four hundred...! Aah!

Hey, that...

that fixed my back,
saved me a doctor bill.

How about that color set?

- Do you really want one?
- Yes!

Okay. You go right
ahead and order one.

Oh, Mr. Drysdale, I don't
know how I'll ever repay you!

- Ten dollars a week.
- Oh...

27! 63! 49!

27! 23! 38!

- Jethro. Boy.
- 39! 42!

- Jethro!
- Yeah, Uncle Jed, what?

Do you have to
do all that cipherin'?

I ain't cipherin'.
I'm calling signals.

When I'm done,
you hand me the ball.

Here, you're done.

You don't hand
it to me like that.

You pass it to me twixt
your legs, like I showed you.

Oh, I believe I'll skip that.

This getup is kind of
binding on me as it is.

Every time I lean
over, my hat falls off.

That's not your hat,
Uncle Jed, it's your helmet.

Now, come on,
let's try it again.

Well, here comes the rest
of team; let's wait for them.

Hurry up.

Linda's probably watching.

If I let go of these pants,

the whole neighborhood'll
be watching.

Speaking of Linda, yonder
she comes through the hedge.

Hot dog! Now I can show her
some fancy runnin' and catchin'.

Uncle Jed, you center
the ball to Granny.

Granny, you give it to Elly.

Elly, you throw it to me when
I get down there near Linda.

37, 52. Here, Granny.

23 skidoo!

Take it, Elly.

Hey, Linda, watch
me catch the ball.

Fling it, Elly!

Watch out, boy!

You're headed for the wall!

Oh, Jethro!

Jethro, are you all right?

Huh? Huh?

Uh, yeah, I-I think so.

Oh, good.

Jethro, can I come over
and see you tonight?

Oh, you ain't gonna watch
football on television, are ya?

No. No. Word of honor.

Okay, then you can come.

Oh, thank you!

By golly, the boy was right.

These football uniforms
sure get the women.

Wait, Jed.

Why don't you take

a little walk around the
neighborhood in your'n?

Well, I'll be making fudge
and popcorn, anyway.

Jed, do you know that
Jethro went to pick up that girl

wearing his full football getup?

Yeah, I spoke to him about
that, but it seems that the girl

is uncommon fond of it,
so he ain't takin' no chances.

What's he gonna do,
wear it till he gets married?

Course not.

After tonight, when the
girl gets to know Jethro,

learns all his qualities,

finds out what
he's really like, he...

He might have to keep
it on a spell, at that.

Well... here we are again.

Yes.

Like me in my uniform, huh?

Oh, yes, Jethro.

You're... uh... you're
really something.

Thank you.

Before we go in the house,

want to take a stroll out
there on the front lawn?

What have you got in mind?

Well... moon is nice and bright.

You can throw me some passes.

Oh, well, that's real
tempting, Jethro,

but let's go right
into the parlor.

Well, I can't show you

much fancy football
catching in there.

Jethro, like I told you before,

I'm not interested
in football tonight.

I'm awful sorry.

But guess we won't
need this anyhow.

No, no.

Not tonight.

Yee-haw!

Forgot your girl again, Jethro?

No, sir, Uncle Jed.

I'm gonna show Linda
my fancy footwork.

Hey, Linda, watch this.

26! 18! 32! Hike!

Jethro!

Jed, I don't care what
Mrs. Drysdale says,

he's got to start courting
that girl over to her house.

He is acting like he's a
few pickles shy of a barrel.

Do you reckon
that that football hat

could be pressing on his brain?

I don't hardly see how.

Even that city girl's
gonna drop him

if he don't get them
squirrels out of his attic.

I couldn't stop and
went through the window.

But I didn't hurt
myself, though.

Isn't he marvelous?

Come on, Jethro,
let's get into that parlor.

Want to come in the kitchen
and have some coffee?

No, Granny. I'd best
fix that front window.

You can't see to put
that glass in there tonight.

I don't aim to.

Till Jethro falls out of love,

I'm just gonna cover
it with wax paper.

Jethro?

Granny says to
come to... breakfast.

Don't bother me, Elly.

Well, you ain't fixin' to
drown yourself again?

Yes, I am. I'd appreciate it

if you'd go over next door and
make sure Linda's watching.

Okay.

Hey, wait a minute.

I didn't leave
that stuff to you.

Then I ain't tellin'
Linda to watch.

Again with this nonsense?

It ain't nonsense, Uncle
Jed; I aim to end it all.

Hey, Linda, will
you look over here!

Shh.

I thought the girl loved you.

Well, that's what I
thought, till last night.

Turns out, she
loves hockey players.

What in tarnation
is a hockey player?

It's a fella that goes
slippin' and slidin' on the ice,

trying to hit a little old round
piece of rubber into a net

with a curved stick.

And Linda likes that?

Just crazy about it.

Boy, have you give
any serious thought

to finding yourself a new girl?

No, sir, Uncle Jed.

Linda's the only
girl I could ever love.

- Now, Jethro...
- And if I can't have her,

ain't nobody gonna get her.

Jethro.

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed, what?

How is drowning yourself

gonna keep somebody
else from getting her?

Pert near made
another mistake, didn't I?

Come real close.

Well, doggone it,
what am I gonna do?

You sure you don't want
to try for another girl?

No, sir.

I don't love often,
but I love deep.

Uh-huh.

Well, if you're bound and
determined it's got to be Linda,

and she's partial
to hockey players,

I reckon you just about
got to start hockeyin'.

What do you suppose
switched the Clampetts

from football to ice hockey?

Perhaps it was your
demonstration of football.

You know, this puck would
just about fit in your mouth.

Oh, howdy, folks.
Come in, come in.

I hate to keep
bothering you this way.

Ah, not at all.

Hockey's a fine
sport; you'll like it.

Well, it's for Jethro again.

He's got hisself a uniform;
now he needs to learn the game.

Forget it, Uncle Jed.

What do you mean, forget it?

You want the girl to
love you, don't you?

Not if I have to wear this.

She could hug and
kiss me like crazy,

and I'd never even know it.

You can't spark in
these kind of clothes.

Mr. Clampett, what girl
is Jethro referring to?

Oh, a pretty little
thing name o' Linda...

Mr. Drysdale's new maid.

What's that about my new maid?

Jethro is enamored of her.

Oh, no, ma'am,
he likes her a heap.

Yes.

It's her that don't
care shucks about him.

Really?

Well, I have a feeling
that's going to change.

And then he said if
I'd be nice to Jethro,

he'd get a 25-inch color set

and throw that antique with
the three-inch screen away.

Thank goodness.

These things are killing me.

Uh, now, wait a minute, I
haven't agreed to do it yet.

- You haven't?
- Nope.

Told him I wanted
to think it over.

Here. Put these on
while you're thinking.

I'll do it, I'll do it.

Here, Uncle Jed.

What's that?

This here's a
combination suicide note,

last will and testament,
and shopping list.

- What?
- Granny wanted me to go to the market,

but I got to do myself in
while it's still light enough

for Linda to see me.

Aw, come back here.

It's no use, Uncle Jed.

There's just no
pleasing that girl.

One night it's a
football player,

the next night it's
a hockey player.

Tonight, who knows?

Now, wait a minute.

There must've been something
she liked about both of them.

Think for a minute.

Wasn't there anything
they done alike?

Yeah.

They both done what
you call commercials.

Well, long shot with
a limb in the way,

but it beats
breathin' pond water.

You sit down right here.

I'm gonna dim the lights.

Are we going to
watch television?

No, ma'am.

Well, what have you got in mind?

You'll see.

Are you ready?

I-I think so.

Well, watch this.

How do you like that?

Oh, Jethro, I adore you!

Jed... what's he doing?

You wouldn't believe
me if I told you.

But it's workin'.

There.

It was wonderful!

I'll do it again.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.