The Batman (2004–2008): Season 3, Episode 13 - Gotham's Ultimate Criminal Mastermind - full transcript

Imagine

peering into the depths
of the criminal mind,

unlocking its terrible secrets.

I, Professor Hugo Strange,

bring you the next generation

in crime-fighting technology.

The Digitally-Advanced
Villain Emulator,

or D.A.V.E.

D.A.V.E is made up

of the combined
psychological profiles

of the most diabolical
criminals



committed to Arkham Asylum.

Designed to mimic
their very thought patterns,

D.A.V.E can be relied upon

to better catch these criminals,

even anticipate their crimes

before they're committed.

D.A.V.E.'s artificial
intelligence is so advanced,

he doesn't even realize
he's a computer program.

Professor,
can we trust AI technology

that thinks it's a criminal?

Perhaps a demonstration

will allay your concerns,
commissioner.

Good evening, Gotham P.D.
How might I assist you?

Now, D.A.V.E.,
what would you make



of the theft of 20 tons
of ostrich feathers

and a break-in
at Neugog Chemical

both in the same night?

A Joker scheme.
The crime clown

will threaten to have the city
tickled to death

by feathers treated
with a Joker toxin

unless, that is,
his ransom demands are met.

A respectable crime,
to be sure,

though I personally would
commit something

more elaborate.

If your mind

didn't happen
to be sentenced to life

in this electronic prison,
D.A.V.E.

On the contrary, professor,

as long as I have my mind,

Gotham City shall never
be safe.

Uh...

D.A.V.E., are you there?
D.A.V.E.?

What just happened?

D.A.V.E. has uploaded himself
off the server.

Gotham's ultimate
criminal mastermind

has just escaped.

Hmm.

I've no idea what could have
caused this glitch.

Better call one of the techies
down here.

Perhaps we should call

the Batman instead.

The Dark Knight fights
real criminals, professor,

not floppy disks.

A real criminal is exactly what

the Digitally-Advanced
Villain Emulator

thinks it is.

How can D.A.V.E. not realize
it's a computer program

if it just uploaded itself?

The criminally insane

create their own reality,
Mr. Wayne.

And now I fear D.A.V.E.
will attempt to carry out

his preprogrammed
super-villain impulses.

And how exactly is it supposed
to do that without a body?

Reprogramming?

Wh...?

What are you?

Not what.

Who.

I like your coat.

Now let's turn to Dan Robbins
with the wea...

Hello, Gotham, I am D.A.V.E.

For years you have listened

to the idle threats
of criminals

who have vowed and failed
to bring the city to its knees.

Well, I am no ordinary
criminal.

I am Gotham's ultimate
criminal mastermind.

And I'm about to prove

that even the most
heavily-secured institutions

can't prevent me from
committing the ultimate crime,

a crime of such scope
and genius

that soon all of Gotham
will be mine.

A tad cliché, isn't he?

Pure textbook.

Announcing his crime over
the airwaves, a massive ego.

Trademarks of the villain
profiles

that make up D.A.V.E.'s brain.

So where will D.A.V.E. strike?

Nothing's more heavily secured

than Gotham's most powerful
supercomputer.

That contains the city's
most sensitive data,

financial and otherwise.

And in the wrong hands,

that data could bring the city
to its knees.

Estimated lack
of consciousness:

10 minutes, 34 seconds.

Estimated completion
of data acquisition:

Nine minutes, 15 seconds.

Good evening, gentlemen.

A million possible
security codes.

Let's try them all.

Timing is everything.

Ah. The central data server.

Gotham City,

in the palm of my hand.

The Batman.
You're late.

Didn't know I was expected.

My superior intellect considers
all possible actions,

including the most
predictable ones.

Don't let my appearance
fool you, Batman.

My mind is most human.

Or should I say, superhuman?

D.A.V.E.,
why are you doing this?

Did you say why?

Why do you dress like a bat?

Why do you fight crime?

Why do we do anything, Batman?

I do what I do because
I have made it my purpose

like you have made it yours
to stop me.

But shall fail trying.

Go ahead, Batman,
save yourself.

Hello again, Gotham.

Now that preparations
are complete,

on with the crime itself.

Involving all
of Gotham's major banks.

Now, most great crimes

are built on the foundation
of monetary gain:

diamonds, gold, art, et cetera.

But pilfering mere money
is so passé these days.

That is, unless one steals

everyone's money.

Voilà.

I'm rich, you're not.

The ultimate crime
should induce mass hysteria

because fear
is the felon's friend.

Oh, and what crime is complete

without the personal touch.

My calling card.

And there you have it, Gotham.
The ultimate crime.

You would probably like
your tracking device back.

Another predictable move.

Then my next move
won't surprise you either.

Not only am I
smarter than you, Batman

I am faster and stronger.

With one snap,

I can accomplish
what no villain has before,

but breaking bones
is also passé.

Your defeat must be
the ultimate defeat.

So until we meet again, Batman,

today's crime
concludes with this,

my getaway.

The good news is emergency power
is operational.

The bad news,
your bank account is empty.

Right now,
I'm a little more concerned

with finding a way to defeat

the sum total
of my greatest enemies.

I'm hoping this diagnostic of
D.A.V.E.'s original hard drive

will shed some light on that.

Sir?

According to this,
D.A.V.E.'s escape

from Gotham P.D.
wasn't a glitch.

It was preprogrammed.

How very odd.

Not odd, Alfred.

Strange.

Strange.

Ah.

The Dark Knight returns.

D.A.V.E.'s escape
was no accident,

was it, professor?

You are not suggesting
that I deliberately released

Gotham's ultimate
criminal mastermind?

I'm suggesting that you
might find Arkham

a better home than office.

The line between genius

and insanity

is often blurred.

Didn't know you were such a fan.

Your obsession with criminals
fascinates me

as much as the criminals
themselves.

Shut down, D.A.V.E. Now.

I may have created D.A.V.E.,
Batman,

but I no longer control him.

Then tell me how to stop him.

You can't. You see,
he was designed to stop you.

D.A.V.E. enacted his crimes
to bait you into encounters

in order to study you.

And why would he want
to study me?

Because I also programmed
my psychology

into D.A.V.E.'s brain.

D.A.V.E. shares my fascination
with you, Batman.

And, by now,
has probably learned

all there is to know
about you.

Yes, yes, one moment.

Good evening.

Is the Batman home?

Welcome home,

Bruce.

You should have told me
you were stopping by.

The place is a mess.

Humor, often used
as a coping mechanism

in high-stress situations.

But I am not here
to trade quips, Bruce.

I am here to destroy you.

But how does one best destroy
your alter ego, the Batman?

One allows him
to destroy himself.

Alfred.

I present you
with a game I call

the No-win Situation.

The red button
is wired to your Batwave,

which is set to transmit
your secret identity

to all of Gotham City.

The blue button is wired
to a device that, if activated,

will send your closest ally
in the world

to his doom.

Press the blue button
and you save Mr. Pennyworth,

but reveal your secret
identity.

Press the red button
and you protect your identity,

but lose your dear friend.

So choose your poison,

but choose it soon,

because when this hourglass
empties,

you forfeit both.

Gotham needs the Batman more
than you need a butler, sir.

I've made my choice.

None of the above.

How very predictable.

I anticipated you would try
to create a third,

more favorable option.

You probably want to know
how I uncovered your secret.

It was simple, really.

Using information
readily available to anyone,

I began by narrowing down

Gotham's population
of 750,832 males.

Those not falling inside

the Batman's probable age range
of 18 to 36

were eliminated.

Medical records revealed
body type matches.

Tax records indicated
those who possess

the wealth and resources
to create his technology.

But the true key to the puzzle

was deducing who
of the remaining candidates

had motive to become
the Batman.

After all, every great hero

must have an origin.

And once Gotham's ultimate
criminal mastermind

put it all together,

the answer was obvious.

Bruce Wayne,

son of the late
Thomas and Martha Wayne.

So, Bruce Wayne,

you no longer need
to hide behind this.

Impressive. You have
all the answers, D.A.V.E.

Except one.

Every great supervillain
has an origin too.

What's yours?

My origin?

I...

I fell into a chemical bath.

That's Joker.

A cryogenic mishap.

No, I lost my family fortune.

Freeze. Penguin.

I was a mad psychiatrist
using Arkham as my cover.

That's Professor Strange,
your creator.

You can't remember your origin
because it doesn't exist.

You're a computer program.

But I am Gotham's ultimate
criminal mastermind.

I consider all possibilities.

How could I not
have considered this?

You may not have a beginning.

But now you have an end.

No!

D.A.V.E. shall make
the ultimate addition

to the trophy room, sir.

There will be
other opportunities

to peer behind the mask, Batman.

For if you think
you have defeated

Gotham's ultimate
criminal mastermind,

think again.