The Avengers (1961–1969): Season 5, Episode 11 - Epic - full transcript

Well, ZZ, what do you think?

He's absolutely gorgeous!

Just look at those nostrils.

ZZ, darling, he's perfect for the part.

Don't you think so, Stewart?

Yes, splendid. Perfectly splendid.

A bit tall.

The way he looks
is the most important thing.

This is a non-speaking part, isn't it?

Your agent explained
it was a non-speaking part?

Oh, ZZ, darling!
This is the boy! I ... I just feel it!



(Slaps thigh) We test him!

Oh, l ... I just know you ...
you'll be marvellous.

Action!

Uh-uh-uh! Non-speaking.

A beautiful performance.

You were right.

Absolutely right, my dove.

He makes an excellent corpse.
Excellent!

(Doorbell buzzes)

- Mrs Peel ...
- Sorry, Steed. I'm needed. Elsewhere.

Where are we going?

North to Whittlesham Heath.
Find Fitzroy Lane.

Continue along it
for five-tenths of a mile and stop.

- And then?
- I don't know.



I had an anonymous phone call.
A man. I didn't recognise the voice.

- He asked you to meet him?
- Said it was a matter of life and death.

- It could be a trap.
- You could be right.

- Just up there.
- Five-tenths of a mile.

- False alarm.
- Shall we go back?

- Funny business.
- Probably somebody's idea of a joke.

This voice, what did it sound like?

Hear it for yourself.

- (Man on tape) 'Mrs Peel?'
- (Peel) 'Yes?'

- (Man) 'I have to see you. Imperative.'
- 'Who's speaking?'

(Man) 'Take the road north
to Whittlesham Heath. Find Fitzroy Lane.'

(Peel) 'Just a moment ...'

(Man) 'Drive exactly five-tenths
of a mile along it. Then stop.

- 'I'll meet you there.'
- 'Who are you?'

'It's life and death, Mrs Peel.'

- 'I must see you.'
- 'Now listen ... Hello?'

Recognise him?

No, but there is something
vaguely familiar about the voice.

Well, if it comes to you
in a blinding flash, let me know.

Meanwhile, what can I do for you?

I dropped by to invite you out to dinner.
I thought we'd go down to the coast.

I have to drive over and see a friend.
I should be back around five.

Pick you up around six.

Lovely.

(Camera rolls)

- I like her.
- Thought you would.

She has poise, looks,
a kind of ... animal vitality.

"Animal vitality" is exactly the word
I was looking for.

She's right. Absolutely right.

I want her, Kirby.

I want Mrs Peel.

(Engine labours)

Three and six, lady.

Victoria Grove.

You're going the wrong way!

Hey!

Hey!

(Gas hisses)

(Coughs)

Yes ... Right.

She is right.

Absolutely right.

(Chuckles)

(Engine labours)

(Bells pealing)

(Wind howling)

(Mouths) Come on. This way.

(Bells continue to peal)

(Bells stop pealing)

(Bell chimes)

(Wind howling)

Mrs Peel ...

We're waiting for you.

(Bell chimes)

Steed?

(Damita) One purl, one plain.

Another one purl
and another one plain.

That's it.

One plain, one purl.

Hm.

Who are you?

And what part of you played
in that ... little tragedy back there?

Leave her alone!

I've told you before!
Stay away from Mother!

Mother?

Can it be? Is it possible? Alexander!

Mother!

Oh ... My little Alexander.

- Mother!
- Home from the wars.

Was it so ... was it so terrible?

It was hell, Mother.
The noise, the people.

(Inhales)

How ...

How you must have suffered,
Alexander!

- Mother ...
- Alexander.

How has my wicked little sister
been behaving?

- She's evil.
- I know. Shall we be rid of her, Mother?

Shall we rid of her once and for all?
Shall I kill her for you?

- Yes!
- Yes!

I will kill her for you!

Oh, no!

(Coughs)

(Groans)

- Well played!
- Thank you.

Good! Good!

Mark it!

(Raucous chatter in the distance)

(? Piano music)

(Raucous chatter)

(Music and chatter stops)

Tell you what ...
I'll give you three seconds.

Get out of town.

(Glass shatters)

Who are you?

Two.

Three.

Draw!

(Raucous chatter)

Cut the playback.

Beautiful! Beautiful!

Perfect. How are you, Kirby, huh?

(Groans) Oh, perfectly splendid, old boy.

Er, you were stupendous.
You were stupendous!

Oh, thanks awfully, ZZ.

This will be my ultimate masterpiece.
A compendium of all my films.

A picture with passion,
with horror, with danger

and with Mrs Peel in the lead.

Hadn't we better get after her?

She can't possibly get away
from the studio.

There's no rush. No rush.

Now, Kirby, I want to talk
about the next scene.

We should play this
with plenty of pace, you know.

Give it everything you have.
You understand?

Ready for your run down
to the coast, Mrs Peel?

Mrs Peel?

- (Man on tape) 'Fitzroy Lane.'
- (Peel) 'Now just a moment.'

'Drive exactly five-tenths of a mile
along it. Then stop.'

'I'll meet you there.'

(Peel) 'Who are you?'

(Man) 'It's life and death, Mrs Peel.'

'It's life and death.'

'It's life and death, Mrs Peel.'

The substance of a great movie
is like a magnificent fabric,

woven from here and here and here.

Hm ... The rest, merely shadows.

Brilliant shadows that I create.

- And what about us?
- You, my pets, are merely puppets.

Puppets? That's a bit thick.

Don't forget that you are still
under contract to me. Both of you.

Ridiculous small print.

Darling, we should have slaughtered
that agent of ours.

Don't despair.
Now remember my promise to you.

This picture will restore you
to your pedestals.

It will send you soaring once more
into that firmament, that galaxy

where the stars shine brightest.

Oh!

(Laughter)

So far we have created
a ... confined, claustrophobic atmosphere.

Now we must open the story out.

Give it a vista. Give it air.

Verflucht!

(Shouts)

Wo ist das Fr?ulein?

(Blows whistle)

(Yells)

(Chuckles)

Scenario!

Now this is a very ...
important part of the picture.

It should symbolise Mrs Peel's descent
into the realms of terror,

her confusion,
her ... helpless efforts to escape.

(Chuckles)

(Shouts)

(Yells)

(Howls)

(Groans)

Done.

You were supposed to win, Kirby.

Why didn't you tell her that?

Pink pages, Kirby.
This will mean pink pages.

I will have to rewrite the script.

She ... she went thataway.

Don't worry. She can't escape.

It's time I started planning
the climax of this picture.

The agonising climax.

The real death of Emma Peel.

(Camera rolls)

It doesn't flow and you, Kirby,
lying there with eggs all over your face.

She's an Amazon.

- We will have to retake it.
- Retake it?

Restage the whole thing,
but this time you take care of her.

We'll make it the last desperate struggle.

She succumbs, she is captured,
she is in our power.

And then we kill her.

Well, to work, my pets.
Find Emma Peel for me. Find her for me!

- I'm not a stuntman!
- Amore ...

Well ...

(Bicycle bell rings)

Hey!

Oh, am I glad to see you!

- Me, madam?
- Mm.

Why, this is a regular part of my patrol.

I suppose you have
some authority for being here.

None at all. I was kidnapped.

Oh. Kidnapped.
Would that be one "P" or two, madam?

Two. And a man has been murdered.

- Murdered.
- Over here.

On one of the stages. Come on.

- Who is he?
- I don't know.

A policeman? I didn't cast a policeman.

Well, you've got one now.

Very well.
We'll write him into the script.

And then write him out again.

Permanently.

All right, don't touch him.
I'll handle this.

For a start
I'll take a statement from you.

The killer is around here somewhere
while you're wasting time ...

Er, first things first.

Murder investigation.

Usually I get shot down and killed
before I arrive at the scene of a crime.

- Pardon?
- Mm. Invariably, I'm shot as we arrive.

Perhaps you've seen me. No?

Police car screams to a halt.
Eager policeman dashes out.

Killer poised in an upstairs room.
Bang! Aah! Ooh!

(Groans)

Normally
I don't get much screen time as that.

Usually I have to fall
as soon as I'm shot.

- You're not a policeman.
- Well, I am today.

Can't give it up, you see.

Yes, I must have played the policeman
more than 100 times

when the studio was flourishing.

Mind you, I never had as much dialogue
as I've had today.

Matter of fact I never had any.
Unless you count, "Ooh! Aah! Ugh!"

- You're a film extra.
- Film artiste, please.

Backbone of the industry.

Where would your Roman orgies be
without your film artiste, hm?

- And what are you doing here?
- Well, I sneaked in.

I often sneak in, borrow my old costume,
relive some of my happy memories.

You won't give me away, will you?

- You got in through the wire?
- Oh, yes. It was easy.

- Then you can show me the way out.
- Of course.

- Well, let's go.
- What's wrong with the main gate?

I've already told you. I was brought here.

(Chuckles) Oh, yes! Kidnapped!

No policeman in it, is there?
If there's any policeman in it, I'm free.

- In what?
- Well, this film you're making.

Kidnapping. Crime means policeman.
I'm available if any policeman are wanted.

I am not making a film.

Come on now.

Take a look at him.

He's very good. I'll give him that.
Specialises in corpses does he?

He can't do anything else.

Of course it pays to specialise.
And he is very good.

Take a closer look.

Very good.

Marvellous breathing control.

He isn't breathing.

That's right. He's dead.

And if I'm making a film,
where's the cameraman and the director?

Yes, that is very funny.

It's not "very funny".
Come on. Show me the way out.

(Kirby) Hiya, Riley.

You nearly had me fooled
for a minute there.

Stewart Kirby.

I didn't know he was
even still making movies.

He isn't.

You've been riding me too long ... cop.

Lovely! Lovely style.

If it ever comes back.

Pity.

This is curtain for you ... cop.

He means it.

What? Lose my chance of doing a scene
with Stewart Kirby? Please!

All right, throw down that gun.

You make me ... cop.

Come on. This is your last chance.

(Yells)

That's for the wife and kids.

- (Man on tape) 'I'll meet you there.'
- (Peel) 'Who are you?'

'It's life and death.'

What to do? What to do? What to do?

That is the question.

That is the question.

(Kirby) "To be or not to be."

"'That is the question."

"'Whether 'tis nobler in the mind'"

"'to suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune."

"Or to take arms
against a sea of troubles."

Stewart Kirby.

(In a southern American accent)
Stay away from Ma!

Can it be? Is it possible? Edgar!

Yes, Ma. It's me!

Oh! Oh, my little Edgar!

- Oh, Ma!
- Home from the wars.

- Was it ... was it so awful?
- It was ...

It was hell, Ma. The noise, the people.

Those darn Yankees!

How you must have suffered, Edgar!

- Yes, Ma.
- Edgar.

Oh, Ma! Oh, Ma!

How's my baby sister been?

- She's evil.
- I know that Ma.

- Shall we be rid of her, Ma?
- Yes.

- Shall I kill her for you, Ma?
- Mm-hm.

They taught me, Ma.
Those darn Yankees, they taught me.

Yes.

I'll kill her.

For you, Ma.

(Sniffs)

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

- You!
- Ah-ah!

Cut, cut, cut, cut! All right, Kirby.

Kirby, much, much better. Much better.

Prepare her.

Scenario.

We are now leading up
to the climax of the movie.

The moment when the heroine is trapped

and the diabolical arch-fiend
reveals to her his terrifying purpose.

Mrs Peel ...

Mrs Peel?

I am ZZ von Schnerk.

Director, writer, producer,
scenarist, film-maker extraordinary

and perpetrator of this plot.

- What do you say to that?
- We are just good friends.

(Chuckles)

A touch of humour.

Er, something the film was sadly lacking.

Excellent, Mrs Peel! Most commendable!

We are making a movie, Mrs Peel.

And you are the star.

Unfortunately, it is a ... downbeat movie
as the heroine dies.

A tragedy, Mrs Peel.

A drama that will place me forever amid
the ranks of the immortal movie makers.

Confusion, desperation, fear,
horror, death and all of it authentic,

filmed exactly as it happened.

That's what they all say.

(ZZ chuckles)

I needed a woman like you, Mrs Peel.

A woman of courage, of beauty, of action.

A woman who could become desperate
and yet remain strong.

A woman who could become confused,
yet remain intelligent.

A woman who can fight back
and yet remain feminine.

You and only you, Emma Peel,
had all these qualifications.

Your reputation preceded you
and you have lived up to it.

I hope you die as bravely.

I will make you famous, Mrs Peel.

I will make you a star!

Posthumously.

"The Destruction of Mrs Emma Peel"

conceived by ZZ von Schnerk.

Written by ZZ von Schnerk.

Directed by ZZ von Schnerk.

A ZZ von Schnerk production!

(Growls)

(Growls)

How do you like the set, Mrs Peel?

Hm?

I decided myself
to ... blend with the characters.

It is symbolic of the horror.

The ... final horror which awaits you.

You must do it. Do it now.

Yes.

Experiment on ...

... living tissue.

She is beautiful.

Almost too beautiful.

Once I was beautiful.

It was a long time ago, Natasha.

And you know what you do
to beautiful things.

(Gasps) You remember
in the cellar at Zervanhoffen.

This is no time to be sentimental.

But she has wronged you.

Yes.

And I must be revenged.

(Damita) Yes. Yes!

I will fetch your knives
and your scalpels.

No. That would be too crude for her.

Her death must have more ...

More poetry.

It will take time
and yet be ... inevitable.

What do you think of that ...

... meine Liebchen?

Hm?

I think I'm in danger
of becoming a split personality.

Wait! Split personality.

That's a great line.
We'll keep it in. Action!

- Oh, Herr Doktor, Herr Doktor!
- Shh! Shh! Listen! Listen to me, Natasha.

We will do it together.

- We?
- Yes.

You said "we"?

- (Kirby) Zervanhoffen must be avenged.
- Oh, Herr Doktor!

You have given me the courage

to realise ... that my work must go on.

Together. Herr Doktor, I love you.

I would go
to the end of the Earth for you.

Yes, Natasha.

- Now.
- Now.

- Now?
- Now.

- Now.
- Now.

Now.

No! Cut, cut, cut, cut!

(Chuckles) That ... that comes last.

Once you throw that switch,
the film is over.

And we've only got one chance at that.
Now remember it.

Now first of all I want you
to have some coverage

gloating over your helpless victim, eh?

Come on, my pets. Gloat, eh? Gloat!

(Laughs)

(Chuckles)

Gloat all you like,

but just remember ...
I'm the star of this picture.

Cut! Cut!

- How was it, ZZ?
- Fine, my lovelies. Fine, fine.

Now it is the last scene
and then the picture will be complete.

Where's the body?

What body?

The actor I auditioned and you shot.

Oh! That fellow.

We need him for the final sequence.
Find him, find him!

- Where is he?
- He's on the other set. Follow me.

Yes, Damita, dear.

(Chuckles)

End sequence, Mrs Peel, eh? Hm.

Now ... I tell you what ...

You ... you take his feet, Damita.

(Damita shrieks)

- What?
- I cannot do it, Stewart. He's too heavy.

There is an old wheelchair
somewhere around here.

Oh, is there?

Right, now you ...
you take his umbrella, Damita.

- And help me with his hand will you? Up!
- Careful, Stewart. Ooh!

Goodbye, Mrs Peel.

(Whirrs)

Magnificent.
It will pack out the art houses.

You are not feeling the part, Mrs Peel!

I have a feeling I will be feeling it.

Ah! Music! We need the right music!

(Chuckles)

(Plays dramatic music)

(Damita gasps and yells)

- Mama mia!
- Stop him, Kirby! Stop him!

Ha!

Don't! This is no prop, my friend.
This is real.

Now this will mean a change of title.

To "The Destruction of Peel and Steed".

Ow!

(Breathes heavily)

Steed!

(Gunshot)

(Gasps) Cut!

Print.

(Peel sighs)

Luckily I got here in the nick of time.
Otherwise, did you enjoy the picture?

Ooh, not bad.
At least it had a happy ending.

But my favourite bit
was the sequence where Kirby went ...

Steed.

(Steed groans)

Steed!

What happened?

The chair was a real one.

(Groans) Mrs Peel.

Made up your mind?

Still looking.

Well, here's one.

"The film they said couldn't be made."

"The heart-searing story
of an impossible forbidden love."

What's it called?

"I Was Napoleon's Nanny."

Lasagne six and a half.

I walked out of it
three-eighths of the way through.

There's an old Stewart Kirby movie
at the Plaza!

(Chuckles)

"Nights of the Abandon" at the Art.

"The critics said it was unbridled,
full of passions."

"The screen explodes with sensuality."

"Hailed as a masterpiece
throughout the world."

"It won a German award,
it won a French award ..."

It closed yesterday.

Oh, dear. (Tuts)

Unbridled passions.

Why don't we just spend
the evening at home?

Why not? Let's get back to my apartment.