The Avengers (1961–1969): Season 5, Episode 10 - Never, Never Say Die - full transcript

(? Smooth jazz on radio)

(Static)

(Tyres screech)

Call the morgue. Dead on arrival.

'Mrs Peel? We're needed.'

Where's the body?

- (Steed) There isn't one.
- No body?

- No body.
- There's always a body.

- There was.
- Ah.

But this one got up
and walked away.

I can confirm that.



Mrs Peel, this is Dr James,
the duty resident.

It's a fact, Mrs Peel.

There was no pulse,
heartbeat, respiration.

Ice-cold to the touch,
pupils completely dilated.

- All the symptoms of death.
- Yes.

- If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes ...
- Doctor?

- Is it all right if I go now?
- Do you feel fit enough to drive?

Oh, fine, yes.

I admit, it did shake me up a little bit,
but now that I know he's alive again ...

- He is alive?
- Not when I examined him.

Well, alive or not,
he's up and about again, isn't he?

That's all that matters.

How severe were the man's injuries?

The car hit him head-on.
He was thrown 20 feet.



If I hadn't seen him,
I'd have said his chances were nil.

Well, if he's hurt that badly,
he can't have gone far.

(? Smooth jazz playing)

(Static)

- Well, goodbye, Dr James.
- Dr James! I've killed him.

I've killed him again.

(Siren wailing)

But he was here. Just there.

I tell you, he was just there.

It looks as though
the dear departed has departed.

And not a sign of blood.

(Emma reads note out)

Anagram?

You're absolutely sure
it was the same man?

Yes, same man again.

Dead again.

It's ridiculous.

- It's ludicrous.
- It's medically impossible.

- And yet it did happen.
- Twice.

I must say, he seems to be
sadly lacking in traffic sense.

Well, what do we do now? Sit and wait
for him to be knocked down again?

Well, not me.

MOT-NRU must mean something.

I'll do some checking.

Let me know if the body turns up.

(? Smooth jazz playing)

(Static)

(Interference)

(Crackling)

Casualty, found unconscious
a mile from here. He'd been attacked.

By a banana?

- What happened?
- He ... he hit me.

- (Doctor) Who did?
- This man, huge fellow.

He attacked you?

And the radio, he smashed the radio.

(? Jazz music playing)

Well, this looks
as nice a place as any.

I say, excuse me, Sergeant,
but we are on manoeuvres.

The rest of the battalion ...

With any luck, the rest of the battalion
is ten miles away by now.

- Look, we're the forward patrol, right?
- Right.

And what was the last thing
the Major said to us before we left?

- Use your initiative, right?
- Right.

Sitting here while the rest go
chasing through the mud,

that's real initiative, right?

- Right.
- Then be a good boy and sit down.

Right.

(Bleeping)

- (Major) 'Forward patrol.'
- Yes, sir.

- 'What's your position?'
- We're heading north, sir.

- 'What's the terrain like?'
- Pretty tough, but we're ploughing on.

- 'Good show. Keep it up, men.'
- Yes, sir.

That's initiative.

All right, you can stop now.
I said you ca...

Hold it.

Hold it!

Concussed.
And severely shocked, I'd say.

- What happened?
- You won't believe it.

Try us.

We were on manoeuvres
and we'd stopped for a rest.

- You were using the radio?
- Yes, sir.

- And then this man appeared.
- A big man? Very big?

Yes, sir. He slammed into him and
then he came at me, so I shot him.

I had to. It was self-defence.
He came at me like a mad thing.

- Where have you left him?
- I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

He wasn't hurt. He came right at me.
I could see the bullet holes in his chest.

He took a whole magazine
and he wasn't hurt.

- Then he smashed the radio.
- And then?

- He walked away.
- Where did he go?

Into the forest.

(Creaking)

(Door slams)

Net.

Quickly.

You know the regulations.
Grade A personnel only.

- But ...
- It's all right.

Everything's ready.
Professor Stone can handle him.

I've had patients who claimed
a cast-iron constitution,

but this fellow ...

Steed, MOT-NRU stands for ...

Ministry of Technology,
Neoteric Research Unit.

Good guess.

I've seen the place.
It's about a mile from here.

- What else did you find out about it?
- Not a thing.

- Neoteric? That means ...
- Modern, futuristic, advanced.

The Ministry wouldn't say
a word about it.

- What goes on in there, Doctor?
- It's a research establishment.

- It's run by a man named Stone.
- Stone?

- Professor Frank N Stone.
- I found this at his cottage.

"See George Eccles, Aerial Cottage,
serious interference."

Worth following up.

And I'll see the Professor.

Pass, please, sir.

This way, sir, to your left, please.

I'll need your pass again, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Dr Penrose, this is Mr Steed.
He's from Security.

Security?
Thank you, Carter.

Oh, yes, we've some VIPs
arriving next week.

- You're here to ...
- To make sure they're safe and secure.

Perhaps if you wouldn't mind
waiting in the Professor's office.

Your security appears
to be more than adequate.

I can't recall meeting
such stringent precautions.

Very necessary, I assure you.

I'm assured, but I'm curious
to know what you're harbouring.

Under the rules covering
this establishment,

our work may only be discussed
with our immediate superiors.

I have only one, Professor Stone.

(Buzzer)

Ah, that will be him now.

Mr Steed, meet Professor Stone.

(Eccles, Russian accent) A threat
to the Queen I cannot allow, Vladimir.

(Vladimir) 'If my plan is to succeed,
it is vital to remove her.'

(Eccles) Then, comrade,
you give me no alternative.

(Vladimir) 'What can you do?
You are trapped, surrounded.'

That's where you're wrong,
comrade.

Bishop to queen's knight four.

(Vladimir) 'Please,
I must have time to consider.'

- But of course.
- Mr Eccles?

- (English accent) Yes?
- (Ringtone)

(Pakistani accent) Hello.

- Is that you, Savi?
- 'Indeed, it is me.'

- And have you deliberated your move?
- 'I have.'

After much thought and prayer,

my knight moves to rook six.

Ah, I shall answer
with my rook to bishop four.

(Savi) 'Goodness gracious me.'

- Mr George Eccles?
- That's right.

And Mrs Twiggy.
She's quite harmless really.

This is Mrs Peel
and I'm quite harmless too.

Yes, well, I'm afraid you've caught me
at a rather inopportune moment.

It's my daily chess hour.

There's nothing like chess
to improve international relations.

- (Ringtone)
- Excuse me.

(Japanese accent) Hello? Tokyo?

- 'Gleetings, George.'
- Gleetings.

I am still luminating.

Luminate all you wish.

- What do you think?
- Most implessive.

(Ringtone)

This is rather fun, isn't it?

(American drawl) Come in, Carolina.

- What can I do for you, Mrs Peel?
- It's about Professor Stone.

- (Woman) 'Carolina calling Eccles.'
- Eccles receiving y'all.

'Have little ol' you
made your little ol' move yet?'

I was thinking of moving
my pawn to bishop five.

'OK.'

- What about Professor Stone?
- You do know him?

Of course I know him.
He's been hounding me for months.

- What about?
- Interference.

Interference?

Interference,
downright interference.

Our security arrangements
couldn't possibly be tighter.

All the same, I thought perhaps
I'd better just check up on you.

- On me?
- Well, your establishment.

Do you spend much time
in the village?

Very little. Our work is reaching a climax.
I like to be close at hand.

So you don't see your cottage much.

Cottage?

Your weekend cottage, Professor.

Oh, yes, of course.
That answers your question, Mr Steed.

It's been so long since I've been there,
I've forgotten I ever owned it.

When did you last leave
the establishment?

Oh, must've been about a month ago.
Really, Mr Steed ...

You haven't been beyond
these walls for a month?

Professor Stone is
a dedicated man, Mr Steed.

May I ask just why it's so important?

Well, it could be important.

The Ministers of Science, Technology
and Finance are coming here shortly.

We don't want to expose them to risk,

so could we go over your security
arrangements just once more?

Over and out.

- Now, then ...
- Professor Stone.

Ah, yes, the dear Professor.

Said I was interfering
with his experiments.

- How?
- Using certain radio frequencies.

Said they clashed
with a project he was developing.

- Which frequencies?
- Oh, about 540 megacycles.

Hardly my territory, though.
Only operates over short distances.

Ah, well, perhaps the Professor
was using that waveband.

Could be. We can easily find out.

Tune in.

Do you mind?
She's not very heavy.

(Faint interference)

Hmm ...

Well, there's something there,
but it's very faint.

Can you boost it?

We can have a go.

(Interference builds)

That's about it, Mr Steed.

Our complete security layout.

- What's this section?
- That's the experimental section.

- Oh, I'd like to see it.
- That's out of bounds, even to you.

But surely if we came round here
we wouldn't be in any ...

Professor?

- Are you all right?
- Yes.

Yes, it's just a slight headache.

Perhaps you ought to lie down
and rest, hm?

I'm perfectly all right, thank you.

He suffers from a slight migraine,
nothing serious.

You really ought to lie down, sir, rest.

He really ought to.

You won't mind if we continue
this discussion at some later date?

Not at all.

- Are you sure it's not serious?
- Nothing we can't handle.

Quickly, Professor, hurry.

(Radio interference intensifies)

Is that as high as it will go?

No, we could cut in another amplifier.

Let's do that.

(Breaking wood)

(Interference continues)

(Sound builds)

(Breaking glass)

Quickly, fetch the ambulance.
He's gone again.

No one's using this waveband.

It's a collection of signals
and harmonics from other stations.

Then why did Stone complain?

Well, if you tune
into these high frequencies,

it can cause interference.

Affects instruments.

(Crashing)

Easy, Twiggy.

(Crash)

- You saw no one?
- Just his handiwork.

He disposed of Eccles
and wrecked his equipment.

Well, if it is Professor Stone,
Jekyll and Hyde.

You say he was identical
to our corpse?

- Identical.
- How did he behave?

Very courteously.

They rolled out the carpet,
gave me the full VIP treatment.

- No hint of what was going on?
- Not a glimmering. All very mysterious.

Stone's cottage hasn't been
lived in for weeks.

He explained that.
He's residing at the unit.

Sounds believable,
but it merits another look.

Thems are my sentiments.

Dr James.

I can assure you that whatever
has occurred in the village

has got nothing to do
with what's happened up here.

- You'll have to convince me.
- I thought we had.

What I mean is,
when you were here last.

When I was here last,
the Professor was not at his best.

- How are you now, by the way?
- I'm fully recovered, thank you.

- No chance of a relapse?
- None whatever.

Good, then I can have a look
at the experimental section.

I thought I'd made it quite clear ...

Oh, I have official consent.
You can check it if you like.

I see I'll have
to lay my cards on the table.

We have had problems here.

Problems which, perhaps foolishly,
we have tried to cover up.

But now we have solved them.

There will be no more incidents,
I promise you.

I suppose we shall have to show him.

Mr Steed, an inquiry now
could put back the entire project.

It could even finish it altogether.

If we can show you
the results of our work,

if we can convince you
that it's perfectly safe,

can we rely on your support?

Ask me again
after you've shown me.

Very well. If you'll be good enough
to come with me.

- Please.
- (Steed) Thank you.

No, no.

No, Mr Steed, that is not my twin.

That is a machine,
what we call a duplicate.

- A robot?
- No.

Robots need a master control

and men to build them
and maintain them.

- What's the difference?
- This can repair and recreate itself.

All it needs is power.

It's programmed like a computer
with a man's complete memory,

his total experience.

It's based on the absorption
of electrical impulses,

what you would call, I suppose,
a brain transfusion.

I see.

By this means, Mr Steed,
great minds need never die.

We can preserve
not only memory and experience

but thought processes as well.

- Is that skin plastic?
- And heat resistant.

I utilised new alloys.
It's virtually indestructible.

- Why does it have to look like you?
- In my own image, you mean?

Vanity, perhaps.
I was the first of the guinea pigs.

Of course, we still have our problems.
The weight, for instance.

And certain radio frequencies
affect the circuits.

But this one's nothing to worry about.

I've drained the memory.
It's completely harmless now.

But this one, this is my mark two.

He will be perfect.

Are you quite certain
he's securely tucked up?

Quite certain, Mr Steed.

(Whirring)

So you will appreciate the need
for absolute secrecy, Mr Steed.

If we are to preserve
our finest minds,

in a matter of 10 or 20 years
we shall outstrip every other nation.

There will be no limit
to our advancement.

I don't relish the idea
of permanent politicians.

The duplicates will be carefully selected
from amongst the creative fields.

There will be adequate controls.

- Goodbye, Mr Steed.
- Goodbye, Professor.

Oops, excuse me.

This problem of radio frequency
appears insoluble.

Nothing is insoluble, Doctor.

I've utilised every technique.

Yes, I'm sure you have.

Perhaps the answer lies
in our earlier papers.

(Phone rings)

Hello?

- Hello. Dr James?
- 'Yes, Mrs Peel.'

- ls Steed there?
- No, he isn't.

'Would you tell him I called?
Tell him I'm at ...'

Get off!

I'll take those, Mrs Peel.

- Oh, Doctor? Any news?
- No.

- Did Mrs Peel call by any chance?
- As a matter of fact, she did.

- And?
- She's gone back to town.

If you're the real one,
who's minding the store?

- What else did Mrs Peel say?
- Just what I've told you.

- She's going back to town.
- But why?

- Did she explain why?
- Just what I've told you.

Surely ... surely she must've said
something else.

(Banging on door)

Mr Steed.

Do you know Dr James,
Dr Betty James?

Yes, she runs the village hospital.

- How well do you know her?
- Hardly at all.

Let's put it this way.
How closely have you studied her?

Why don't you get to the point?

The point is that I have just
locked away a replica of Dr James.

- A replica? I don't understand.
- A duplicate.

- An exact duplicate.
- Nonsense.

That model of yours downstairs,
the one that you didn't show me.

Who did you duplicate this time?
Dr James?

No, it was Penrose,
as a matter of fact.

The mark two model is his duplicate.
I made it in his image.

Penrose.

Who models the faces, the features?
Somebody must do it.

Well, yes, Penrose does.
He has a certain artistic flair.

Penrose! Do you know
what's been happening?

It isn't Penrose who's assisting you.
It's his duplicate.

- That's quite impossible.
- But it answers so many questions.

I think, perhaps,
you'd better let me deal with this.

- Are you sure you can deal with it?
- Yes, of course I can.

- You wanted me, Professor?
- Yes, Penrose.

Mr Steed wishes to see
the brain transfuser in operation.

I told him I was sure
you'd be willing to cooperate.

Certainly, Professor.

Would you care to come over here?

It's possible to feed
the vibrations into the duplicate,

or, with a touch of this switch,
withdraw them.

(Bleeping)

(Bleeping intensifies)

(High-pitched, rapid bleeping)

(Bleeping stops)

Come with me, Mr Steed.

(Bleeping starts up again)

Mrs Peel, Dr James, I do apologise.
I can't tell you how sorry I am.

- I hope you haven't come to any harm.
- Untouched by human hand.

- Do you have a key?
- Oh, yes, of course.

I really am extremely sorry.

Dr James.

You have the real Dr Penrose in here.

- And?
- And the real Dr James.

And?

Remarkable.

Whoever heard of a robot
growing a beard?

You're a duplicate.
Come on, Doctor!

We duplicates are programmed
to survive, Mr Steed.

We are programmed to take over.

Your ministers will arrive
on their tour of inspection

but duplicates will leave,

duplicates so perfect
they will defy detection.

- Want the latest cricket scores?
- Mm-hm.

- Frequency 540.
- (Static)

(Static)

(Static)

(Interference builds)

(Interference fades)

Do you find her attractive?

Not a patch on you.

How about him?

('Western soundtrack and gunfire')

'And now, friends, we bring you
your number one pop programme ...'

('Car chase and sirens')

Isn't there anything intellectually
stimulating, morally uplifting?

Maybe a comment
on the rich pageant of life.

Something with warmth, humanity,

substance, tragedy,

maybe even a touch of humour.

Ah, you mean a political broadcast.

'We bring you a political broadcast.
Here is the Minister of Economics.'

(Minister) 'Good evening.'

'Tonight I wish to talk to you
about the engendered five-year plan'

'for the establishment of industrial
sanctions and arbitrations'

'in the north-eastern sector
of heavy and light-heavy industries.'

'I am sure you would all agree,
a fascinating topic ...'

- You know, we just averted a disaster.
- Eh?

Can you imagine plastic politicians?

(Political broadcast continues)

Who would ever know the difference?
Cheers.