The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 3, Episode 24 - Aunt Bee's Medicine Man - full transcript
With the recent death of a friend, Aunt Bee is feeling particularly blue. She is feeling her age and is listless and without energy. On her way home one day, she sees a handsome man hawking his Colonel Harvey's Elixir as a tonic that will fix any ailment. She buys two bottles and by the time Andy gets home later that day, she is singing and happy. There's seems to be little they can do about Colonel Harvey. His vendor's permit is in order and he's doesn't seem to be breaking any laws. Until they have the elixir analyzed that is and find that it is in fact 85% alcohol and the reason Aunt Bee and her friends feel so good is because they are gassed.
Starring Andy Griffith...
With Ronny Howard...
Also starring Don knotts.
Oh, uh... aunt bee.
Hello, Barney.
Do you mind if I just sit down
for a minute?
Why, aunt bee,
ain't you feeling good?
Here, you just set
yourself right down here.
Thank you, Barney.
I... I just feel
a little faint.
Faint? Now...
Now, don't do that.
Uh, uh, I'll get you
a glass of water.
I'll... maybe I'll...
Maybe we better...
Better loosen something.
You got something we can loosen?
Oh, wait, here,
let's get your feet up.
Barney, please!
Listen, we'll just
rub your wrists here.
What for?
I don't know.
They always do that.
Please, Barney.
You're gonna be fine.
Aunt bee, w
oh, aunt bee's just
sick as she can be.
W
I'll be all right, Andy.
I've just... I've just
had a shock, that's all.
W
Did you hear
about Augusta Finch?
No. What happened to her?
She passed away...
At 10:30 this morning.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It was a blow, a terrible blow.
Well, aunt bee,
you and miss Finch
never was that close
for you to carry on like this.
Close?
She was exactly my age.
Well, just 'cause
she was your age
don't mean anything.
Augusta always enjoyed
poor health
as long as I can remember,
but you've always been healthy.
Oh, I may not complain, maybe...
Well, we all have
to go sometime.
Uh, aunt bee,
if you're not feeling good
why don't you go see
doc Andrews?
Oh, doc Andrews,
a lot he can do.
A lot he did for gussie.
Well, he's always
taken good care of us.
Let me just give him a ring.
Don't you dare!
I know what he'll tell me
and I don't want to hear it.
He tells me the same thing
every time I see him.
What's that?
"We're no spring chickens
anymore."
Well, maybe he isn't.
I'm not going to pay
doc Andrews five dollars
just to tell me how old I am.
And I'm not that old.
No, you're not, but if
you're not feeling good...
I feel fine!
And don't be late for supper.
Aunt bee! Aunt bee!
Aunt bee!
Aunt bee!
Opie, I always told you
to go straight home from school.
Come and see, aunt bee.
He's telling
all about the Indians.
Who?
Him.
My friends, that is
an excellent question...
He got kidnapped by the Indians.
He got adopted by their chief.
He lived with them,
aunt bee, real Indians.
He learned all their secrets.
Come on and listen.
He's roped wild ponies!
Mark it well, my friends.
Colonel Harvey's Indian elixir...
Good for what ails you.
Are you feeling tired
and rundown?
Do you drag yourself
out of bed in the morning?
Does life seem
hardly worth living?
Then, friends,
give me your attention.
Aw, heck, it's just
another commercial.
Come on, aunt bee.
You run on along home, Opie.
I want to listen.
Okay.
My mission in life is health
is zest, is vigor,
is the joy of living.
Now, what I offer you,
my friends, is no medicine.
It is far more than that.
It is a tonic, an elixir
to purge the body
and lift the spirits
to put a light in the eye
and a spring in the step
a lilt in the voice
and hope in the human heart.
Breathes there a man
with soul so dead
he can say he is not interested?
At only one dollar a bottle?
Please, friends, I know
the price is ridiculous.
It only helps defray the cost.
While the supply lasts,
do I hear a voice?
I'll take two.
Ah, there speaks someone
in whom the spark is not dead.
Are there others?
Step forward, please.
I'll take one.
One for the lady.
One for you, and one for you.
And you...
Colonel Harvey?
I'd like to tell you
how much I admire
the work you're doing.
Ah... thank you,
dear lady.
Are you planning
to stay long in Mayberry?
Would that I might.
Seldom in all my travels
have I come upon
so charming a town
with so many fine people,
not least among them
your own charming self.
Colonel, when's the last time
you had a home
oh, no. Why...
I read your thoughts.
They shine from your eyes,
like the goodness within.
We'd be very happy
to have you for supper.
You're most kind.
Who could resist the opportunity
of making
your better acquaintance?
Oh, good.
Shall we say 6:00?
6:00.
What time do the Indians eat?
Indians?
Oh, well, they eat most anytime,
uh, 6:35, 7:00, 7:15...
Good. Well,
we'll say 6:00?
I shall count the hours.
The address is 332 maple road.
It is a tonic, an elixir,
to purge the body...
Hey, wait a minute...
What's that?
...to put a light in the eye
and a spring in the step.
Looks like a sideshow.
Yeah.
Park it, and let's take a look.
My mission in life is health,
is zest, is vigor,
is the joy of living.
What I offer you is no medicine.
It is far more than that.
It is a tonic, an elixir,
to purge the body.
Are you overweight?
Do you worry too much?
Worry about money?
Worry about the future?
Well, then, friends,
let me ask you one thing...
Have you every seen
a fat, old, worried Indian?
Have you ever known
an Indian with ulcers?
I ain't ever known
an Indian, have you?
No.
...because the Indian's way
is nature's way.
Nature's way
is colonel Harvey's way.
Colonel Harvey's Indian elixir...
Good for what ails you.
Uh, colonel, could I
ask you a question?
By all means.
Come closer, friend.
Have you got a license
that allows you
to sell on the street?
Indeed I have, sheriff.
Duly applied for and received
from your county clerk.
You got a license that
allows you to sell medicine?
No, sheriff, my elixir is
no drug, no so-called medicine.
Examine the label.
You will find no claim
which cannot be substantiated.
You will not see it advertised.
It is not sold in drugstores,
nor through the mail
as an interstate commerce.
Here you are, sheriff.
May I offer you this bottle
with my compliments?
No, you keep that.
No, please test it.
See if it doesn't
make you feel better.
I feel fine.
Let's go, Barney.
"None so blind
as those who will not see."
Mark it well, my friends,
colonel Harvey...
Whatcha think?
Well, we can't hold
him on a 6-0-3.
No.
Or even a 1-1-5.
What's a 1
parking next to a hydrant.
Oh.
Well, let's go.
...is health, is zest,
is vigor, is...
♪ toot, toot, tootsie,
good-bye ♪
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie,
don't cry... ♪
Come on, Opie, and sing.
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie,
good-bye ♪
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie,
don't cry ♪
♪ The choo-choo train
that takes me ♪
♪ Away from you, no words
can tell how sad it makes me ♪
♪ Kiss me, tootsie, and then
♪ do it over again
♪ look for the mail,
I'll never fail ♪
♪ If you don't get a letter,
then you'll know I'm in jail ♪
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie,
good-bye ♪
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie,
good-bye ♪
Whee!
Oh, hello, Andy.
Aunt bee.
Yeah, w...
Ooh, I must have made
myself a little dizzy.
My, my.
I ain't heard you play
that piano in years.
Well, I thought
I'd forgotten how.
Well, you were sure
playing the daylights
out of it then.
Uh, you, uh, feelin' all right?
Oh, I never felt better.
Well, what'd you do?
Break down and
go see doc Andrews?
Ooh-hoo, doc Andrews.
I found something
much better than that.
Oh, my goodness,
what time is it?
Uh, aunt bee...
Oh, now, don't start
asking me questions.
I have s-supper in the oven.
We have a-a guest coming.
A guest?
Opie, would you get my apron
from the kitchen, please?
No, never mind.
I'm going that way anyway.
Oh, Barney...
Where did you come from?
Well, I've been right here,
aunt bee...
Oh, Andy, why
didn't you tell me?
Oh, h-he ain't stayin'.
He's just droppin' me off.
Oh, well, it was very
nice to see you, Barney.
Don't be such a stranger.
Stranger?
Aunt bee sure is
feeling good, huh, paw?
She sure is.
Uh, Opie, you want to go
out in the kitchen
and see what happened?
What happened, aunt bee?
Mm, oh, nothing, child, nothing.
I'll just sweep it up later.
Uh, Andy, I don't like
to say this, but...
You don't have to.
If it was anybody else,
I'd say she was tiddly.
If it was anybody else,
you'd be right,
but she won't even
allow fruitcake
in the house...
Account of a brother she had.
Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
Well, where there's smoke,
there's firewater.
I'd better get going.
What'd I come in here for?
Oh, your raincoat in the closet.
Oh, yeah.
Andy?
Maybe this'll explain
why aunt bee's feeling so good.
Sure looks like she
took the adult dose.
Hey, listen, tell you
what I want you to do...
Run this over to doc Andrews
and have him analyze it.
Right.
Good.
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie,
good-bye ♪
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie,
don't cry ♪
Well, aunt bee,
tell me about your afternoon.
Oh, Andy,
I had one of the most
extraordinary experiences
of my life.
Well, tell me about it.
Nothing happened to me
like that since...
Since I was baptized.
Oh, this man, he has such power.
What man?
Well, you'll meet him.
He's coming to supper.
You know, just listening to him,
I felt better.
And afterwards, when I
actually talked with him...
Oh! Good heavens!
That's him... that's him.
I'll get it.
Opie!
I'll get it.
Andy...
I'll get it.
Well...
Good evening, dear lady.
Well, we meet again.
Oh, do you two know each other?
You might say
we know each other.
Well, it is a small world.
Well, Andy, just
don't stand there.
Take the colonel's hat.
And I made you the most...
Oh, my...
Miss bee, I have dined
in the finest restaurants
in New Orleans,
but never have I
tasted food like that.
Oh...
Well, colonel...
Oh, colonel,
now, how can you say that?
It was only just potluck,
you know.
Tush, my dear lady, tush.
There is potluck
and there is potluck.
It's not only the ingredients,
it's the magic
with which it's prepared,
and you, my dear lady
have the magical touch.
My compliments.
Well, thank you, colonel.
Can you make smoke
come out of your ears?
No, my boy, that I cannot do.
But I can do something else.
Have you ever seen
Indian smoke signals?
Then I shall show you.
You know what that means?
The cavalry is coming.
Send another message, colonel.
Oh, Opie...
You'll have to forgive
the child.
He's simply captivated by you
and I can't blame him.
Opie, say good night
to the colonel
and run on up
and do your homework.
But I haven't got any.
Now, don't tell me that.
I want to stay.
You got your orders, son.
Okay, paw.
Good night, aunt bee.
Good night, Opie.
Good night, paw.
Good night, colonel.
Just a minute, boy.
You know what that means?
Neku ya-te-eh sho-chu-neh.
Wow.
Oh, colonel,
that's simply wonderful.
Shawnee... I lived among 'em...
They're devils.
Andy, why don't you
entertain the colonel
while I get some coffee.
Pardon me.
Dear lady.
Well, colonel...
How long, uh...
How long you figurin' on
stayin' in these parts?
Sheriff, my travels
have taken me
to many villages and hamlets
in this great land of ours,
but never have I met such warm,
wonderful, gracious people
as you have in this town.
Yeah. Let me ask you...
I wish that I could say
that my permanent address
is Mayberry, U.S.A.
Good.
Now, let me ask you...
But alas,
my mission calls me
to ever far distant lands.
Yeah, I guess
there is a great need.
Oh, sheriff...
If you only knew.
If you only knew.
Let me ask you...
Here we are.
Let me help you, dear lady.
Thank you, colonel.
Colonel, I just had
the most wonderful idea.
How would you like
to address a meeting
of my ladies aid
church committee?
We can meet right here
tomorrow afternoon.
There, you see?
I never know when I shall
be called upon to serve.
I would deem it a privilege.
Here's your evidence...
Exhibit "a".
85% alcohol?
Phew! No wonder
she was feeling no pain.
There's your grounds...
Selling plain liquor.
Let's run him out of town.
No. It ain't that simple.
But, Andy, the guy's a grade
"a", double-barreled phony.
I know, but aunt bee
believes in him.
If I run him
out of town like this,
she'll never forgive me.
We'll have to prove it to her.
But while we're
stalling around here,
he could be giving us the slip.
Well, he ain't
leaving right now.
He's over at the house
addressin' the ladies aid
church committee right now.
Oh, it's gonna be a
red-letter day in Mayberry
if the whole ladies aid
church committee gets crocked.
Hey, Barn, you may just
have something there.
Huh?
♪ When the lights are low...
♪ Chinatown, my Chinatown
ladies! Ladies!
♪ Where the lights are low
♪ hearts that know
no other land ♪
♪ Drifting to and fro...
Ladies. Ladies.
Ho-ho-hold it, hold it, ladies.
Hold it!
Oh...
Girls, look who's here...
Sheriff Matt Dillon.
Where's Chester?
Ladies... ladies, I-I hate
to break in on you like this
but, uh... this is a raid.
A raid?
Huh?
That's right, ladies.
You're all under arrest.
Andy, you can't be serious.
Yes, I am.
That stuff of the colonel's
is supposed to purge the body
and lift the spirit.
Actually, what it does
is give you a buzz.
The colonel calls it elixir.
Other names are "hooch," "booze"
"happy water," "old red-eye"...
In other words, ladies,
you got gassed.
Oh! He wouldn't.
Oh!
All right, come on!
Come on, move!
Get in here.
Hey...
Well, ladies...
You look well.
I assume this is my suite.
Yes. Come on, move.
Move! Come on!
All right, ladies, I, uh...
I guess you can go now.
Would you mind dropping me off?
Oh!
Terrible man!
Absolutely unspeakable!
Ridiculous!
Unethical!
Andy, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right, aunt bee.
You had a good time.
I'll tell you the truth...
I'm gonna kind of
miss that singin'.
Hey, I got a idea...
For supper tonight
why don't you make
a big rum cake
and get back on
that piano stool.
Oh, Andy, please!
Oh, hi, aunt bee.
Well, I saw your
old doc Andrews.
Good.
Everything all right?
Mm-hmm, I told him
how I was feeling...
The aches, the pains,
the tiredness, the dizziness,
and what do you think he said?
What?
"We're not spring chickens
anymore."
But you're all right?
Yes, for someone who's
no longer a spring chicken.
Women.
Boy, they can talk themselves
into anything, can't they?
They sure can.
They just let their imaginations
run away with them.
Yeah.
Hey, Barn?
Hmm?
How long has it been
since you had a checkup?
Me?
You kidding?
What do I need a checkup for?
I feel fine.
Good.
Why'd you ask that?
What?
When did I have a checkup?
Oh, I don't know.
I just think everybody
ought to have a checkup
every now and then.
You've been looking
a little pale, too.
Maybe you're tired,
or it's lack of sleep.
Your move.
I don't feel tired.
Good.
I look pale to you, huh?
Yeah, you look a little pale.
Eyes look a little funny,
and, uh...
And what?
What else
oh, I don't know.
You just look a little...
It's probably nothing, though.
You know, I do look pale.
My eyes look funny.
I feel warm.
I wouldn't worry about it.
You know, it wouldn't hurt
to have doc Andrews
take a look at me.
I'll get on the phone.
I've been having these
palpitations.
I didn't tell you about that.
I woke up just this morning
get me doc Andrews, will you?
And hurry, Sarah.
It's an emergency.
Stick with me, will you, ange?
Right to the end, buddy.
With Ronny Howard...
Also starring Don knotts.
Oh, uh... aunt bee.
Hello, Barney.
Do you mind if I just sit down
for a minute?
Why, aunt bee,
ain't you feeling good?
Here, you just set
yourself right down here.
Thank you, Barney.
I... I just feel
a little faint.
Faint? Now...
Now, don't do that.
Uh, uh, I'll get you
a glass of water.
I'll... maybe I'll...
Maybe we better...
Better loosen something.
You got something we can loosen?
Oh, wait, here,
let's get your feet up.
Barney, please!
Listen, we'll just
rub your wrists here.
What for?
I don't know.
They always do that.
Please, Barney.
You're gonna be fine.
Aunt bee, w
oh, aunt bee's just
sick as she can be.
W
I'll be all right, Andy.
I've just... I've just
had a shock, that's all.
W
Did you hear
about Augusta Finch?
No. What happened to her?
She passed away...
At 10:30 this morning.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It was a blow, a terrible blow.
Well, aunt bee,
you and miss Finch
never was that close
for you to carry on like this.
Close?
She was exactly my age.
Well, just 'cause
she was your age
don't mean anything.
Augusta always enjoyed
poor health
as long as I can remember,
but you've always been healthy.
Oh, I may not complain, maybe...
Well, we all have
to go sometime.
Uh, aunt bee,
if you're not feeling good
why don't you go see
doc Andrews?
Oh, doc Andrews,
a lot he can do.
A lot he did for gussie.
Well, he's always
taken good care of us.
Let me just give him a ring.
Don't you dare!
I know what he'll tell me
and I don't want to hear it.
He tells me the same thing
every time I see him.
What's that?
"We're no spring chickens
anymore."
Well, maybe he isn't.
I'm not going to pay
doc Andrews five dollars
just to tell me how old I am.
And I'm not that old.
No, you're not, but if
you're not feeling good...
I feel fine!
And don't be late for supper.
Aunt bee! Aunt bee!
Aunt bee!
Aunt bee!
Opie, I always told you
to go straight home from school.
Come and see, aunt bee.
He's telling
all about the Indians.
Who?
Him.
My friends, that is
an excellent question...
He got kidnapped by the Indians.
He got adopted by their chief.
He lived with them,
aunt bee, real Indians.
He learned all their secrets.
Come on and listen.
He's roped wild ponies!
Mark it well, my friends.
Colonel Harvey's Indian elixir...
Good for what ails you.
Are you feeling tired
and rundown?
Do you drag yourself
out of bed in the morning?
Does life seem
hardly worth living?
Then, friends,
give me your attention.
Aw, heck, it's just
another commercial.
Come on, aunt bee.
You run on along home, Opie.
I want to listen.
Okay.
My mission in life is health
is zest, is vigor,
is the joy of living.
Now, what I offer you,
my friends, is no medicine.
It is far more than that.
It is a tonic, an elixir
to purge the body
and lift the spirits
to put a light in the eye
and a spring in the step
a lilt in the voice
and hope in the human heart.
Breathes there a man
with soul so dead
he can say he is not interested?
At only one dollar a bottle?
Please, friends, I know
the price is ridiculous.
It only helps defray the cost.
While the supply lasts,
do I hear a voice?
I'll take two.
Ah, there speaks someone
in whom the spark is not dead.
Are there others?
Step forward, please.
I'll take one.
One for the lady.
One for you, and one for you.
And you...
Colonel Harvey?
I'd like to tell you
how much I admire
the work you're doing.
Ah... thank you,
dear lady.
Are you planning
to stay long in Mayberry?
Would that I might.
Seldom in all my travels
have I come upon
so charming a town
with so many fine people,
not least among them
your own charming self.
Colonel, when's the last time
you had a home
oh, no. Why...
I read your thoughts.
They shine from your eyes,
like the goodness within.
We'd be very happy
to have you for supper.
You're most kind.
Who could resist the opportunity
of making
your better acquaintance?
Oh, good.
Shall we say 6:00?
6:00.
What time do the Indians eat?
Indians?
Oh, well, they eat most anytime,
uh, 6:35, 7:00, 7:15...
Good. Well,
we'll say 6:00?
I shall count the hours.
The address is 332 maple road.
It is a tonic, an elixir,
to purge the body...
Hey, wait a minute...
What's that?
...to put a light in the eye
and a spring in the step.
Looks like a sideshow.
Yeah.
Park it, and let's take a look.
My mission in life is health,
is zest, is vigor,
is the joy of living.
What I offer you is no medicine.
It is far more than that.
It is a tonic, an elixir,
to purge the body.
Are you overweight?
Do you worry too much?
Worry about money?
Worry about the future?
Well, then, friends,
let me ask you one thing...
Have you every seen
a fat, old, worried Indian?
Have you ever known
an Indian with ulcers?
I ain't ever known
an Indian, have you?
No.
...because the Indian's way
is nature's way.
Nature's way
is colonel Harvey's way.
Colonel Harvey's Indian elixir...
Good for what ails you.
Uh, colonel, could I
ask you a question?
By all means.
Come closer, friend.
Have you got a license
that allows you
to sell on the street?
Indeed I have, sheriff.
Duly applied for and received
from your county clerk.
You got a license that
allows you to sell medicine?
No, sheriff, my elixir is
no drug, no so-called medicine.
Examine the label.
You will find no claim
which cannot be substantiated.
You will not see it advertised.
It is not sold in drugstores,
nor through the mail
as an interstate commerce.
Here you are, sheriff.
May I offer you this bottle
with my compliments?
No, you keep that.
No, please test it.
See if it doesn't
make you feel better.
I feel fine.
Let's go, Barney.
"None so blind
as those who will not see."
Mark it well, my friends,
colonel Harvey...
Whatcha think?
Well, we can't hold
him on a 6-0-3.
No.
Or even a 1-1-5.
What's a 1
parking next to a hydrant.
Oh.
Well, let's go.
...is health, is zest,
is vigor, is...
♪ toot, toot, tootsie,
good-bye ♪
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie,
don't cry... ♪
Come on, Opie, and sing.
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie,
good-bye ♪
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie,
don't cry ♪
♪ The choo-choo train
that takes me ♪
♪ Away from you, no words
can tell how sad it makes me ♪
♪ Kiss me, tootsie, and then
♪ do it over again
♪ look for the mail,
I'll never fail ♪
♪ If you don't get a letter,
then you'll know I'm in jail ♪
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie,
good-bye ♪
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie,
good-bye ♪
Whee!
Oh, hello, Andy.
Aunt bee.
Yeah, w...
Ooh, I must have made
myself a little dizzy.
My, my.
I ain't heard you play
that piano in years.
Well, I thought
I'd forgotten how.
Well, you were sure
playing the daylights
out of it then.
Uh, you, uh, feelin' all right?
Oh, I never felt better.
Well, what'd you do?
Break down and
go see doc Andrews?
Ooh-hoo, doc Andrews.
I found something
much better than that.
Oh, my goodness,
what time is it?
Uh, aunt bee...
Oh, now, don't start
asking me questions.
I have s-supper in the oven.
We have a-a guest coming.
A guest?
Opie, would you get my apron
from the kitchen, please?
No, never mind.
I'm going that way anyway.
Oh, Barney...
Where did you come from?
Well, I've been right here,
aunt bee...
Oh, Andy, why
didn't you tell me?
Oh, h-he ain't stayin'.
He's just droppin' me off.
Oh, well, it was very
nice to see you, Barney.
Don't be such a stranger.
Stranger?
Aunt bee sure is
feeling good, huh, paw?
She sure is.
Uh, Opie, you want to go
out in the kitchen
and see what happened?
What happened, aunt bee?
Mm, oh, nothing, child, nothing.
I'll just sweep it up later.
Uh, Andy, I don't like
to say this, but...
You don't have to.
If it was anybody else,
I'd say she was tiddly.
If it was anybody else,
you'd be right,
but she won't even
allow fruitcake
in the house...
Account of a brother she had.
Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
Well, where there's smoke,
there's firewater.
I'd better get going.
What'd I come in here for?
Oh, your raincoat in the closet.
Oh, yeah.
Andy?
Maybe this'll explain
why aunt bee's feeling so good.
Sure looks like she
took the adult dose.
Hey, listen, tell you
what I want you to do...
Run this over to doc Andrews
and have him analyze it.
Right.
Good.
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie,
good-bye ♪
♪ Toot, toot, tootsie,
don't cry ♪
Well, aunt bee,
tell me about your afternoon.
Oh, Andy,
I had one of the most
extraordinary experiences
of my life.
Well, tell me about it.
Nothing happened to me
like that since...
Since I was baptized.
Oh, this man, he has such power.
What man?
Well, you'll meet him.
He's coming to supper.
You know, just listening to him,
I felt better.
And afterwards, when I
actually talked with him...
Oh! Good heavens!
That's him... that's him.
I'll get it.
Opie!
I'll get it.
Andy...
I'll get it.
Well...
Good evening, dear lady.
Well, we meet again.
Oh, do you two know each other?
You might say
we know each other.
Well, it is a small world.
Well, Andy, just
don't stand there.
Take the colonel's hat.
And I made you the most...
Oh, my...
Miss bee, I have dined
in the finest restaurants
in New Orleans,
but never have I
tasted food like that.
Oh...
Well, colonel...
Oh, colonel,
now, how can you say that?
It was only just potluck,
you know.
Tush, my dear lady, tush.
There is potluck
and there is potluck.
It's not only the ingredients,
it's the magic
with which it's prepared,
and you, my dear lady
have the magical touch.
My compliments.
Well, thank you, colonel.
Can you make smoke
come out of your ears?
No, my boy, that I cannot do.
But I can do something else.
Have you ever seen
Indian smoke signals?
Then I shall show you.
You know what that means?
The cavalry is coming.
Send another message, colonel.
Oh, Opie...
You'll have to forgive
the child.
He's simply captivated by you
and I can't blame him.
Opie, say good night
to the colonel
and run on up
and do your homework.
But I haven't got any.
Now, don't tell me that.
I want to stay.
You got your orders, son.
Okay, paw.
Good night, aunt bee.
Good night, Opie.
Good night, paw.
Good night, colonel.
Just a minute, boy.
You know what that means?
Neku ya-te-eh sho-chu-neh.
Wow.
Oh, colonel,
that's simply wonderful.
Shawnee... I lived among 'em...
They're devils.
Andy, why don't you
entertain the colonel
while I get some coffee.
Pardon me.
Dear lady.
Well, colonel...
How long, uh...
How long you figurin' on
stayin' in these parts?
Sheriff, my travels
have taken me
to many villages and hamlets
in this great land of ours,
but never have I met such warm,
wonderful, gracious people
as you have in this town.
Yeah. Let me ask you...
I wish that I could say
that my permanent address
is Mayberry, U.S.A.
Good.
Now, let me ask you...
But alas,
my mission calls me
to ever far distant lands.
Yeah, I guess
there is a great need.
Oh, sheriff...
If you only knew.
If you only knew.
Let me ask you...
Here we are.
Let me help you, dear lady.
Thank you, colonel.
Colonel, I just had
the most wonderful idea.
How would you like
to address a meeting
of my ladies aid
church committee?
We can meet right here
tomorrow afternoon.
There, you see?
I never know when I shall
be called upon to serve.
I would deem it a privilege.
Here's your evidence...
Exhibit "a".
85% alcohol?
Phew! No wonder
she was feeling no pain.
There's your grounds...
Selling plain liquor.
Let's run him out of town.
No. It ain't that simple.
But, Andy, the guy's a grade
"a", double-barreled phony.
I know, but aunt bee
believes in him.
If I run him
out of town like this,
she'll never forgive me.
We'll have to prove it to her.
But while we're
stalling around here,
he could be giving us the slip.
Well, he ain't
leaving right now.
He's over at the house
addressin' the ladies aid
church committee right now.
Oh, it's gonna be a
red-letter day in Mayberry
if the whole ladies aid
church committee gets crocked.
Hey, Barn, you may just
have something there.
Huh?
♪ When the lights are low...
♪ Chinatown, my Chinatown
ladies! Ladies!
♪ Where the lights are low
♪ hearts that know
no other land ♪
♪ Drifting to and fro...
Ladies. Ladies.
Ho-ho-hold it, hold it, ladies.
Hold it!
Oh...
Girls, look who's here...
Sheriff Matt Dillon.
Where's Chester?
Ladies... ladies, I-I hate
to break in on you like this
but, uh... this is a raid.
A raid?
Huh?
That's right, ladies.
You're all under arrest.
Andy, you can't be serious.
Yes, I am.
That stuff of the colonel's
is supposed to purge the body
and lift the spirit.
Actually, what it does
is give you a buzz.
The colonel calls it elixir.
Other names are "hooch," "booze"
"happy water," "old red-eye"...
In other words, ladies,
you got gassed.
Oh! He wouldn't.
Oh!
All right, come on!
Come on, move!
Get in here.
Hey...
Well, ladies...
You look well.
I assume this is my suite.
Yes. Come on, move.
Move! Come on!
All right, ladies, I, uh...
I guess you can go now.
Would you mind dropping me off?
Oh!
Terrible man!
Absolutely unspeakable!
Ridiculous!
Unethical!
Andy, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right, aunt bee.
You had a good time.
I'll tell you the truth...
I'm gonna kind of
miss that singin'.
Hey, I got a idea...
For supper tonight
why don't you make
a big rum cake
and get back on
that piano stool.
Oh, Andy, please!
Oh, hi, aunt bee.
Well, I saw your
old doc Andrews.
Good.
Everything all right?
Mm-hmm, I told him
how I was feeling...
The aches, the pains,
the tiredness, the dizziness,
and what do you think he said?
What?
"We're not spring chickens
anymore."
But you're all right?
Yes, for someone who's
no longer a spring chicken.
Women.
Boy, they can talk themselves
into anything, can't they?
They sure can.
They just let their imaginations
run away with them.
Yeah.
Hey, Barn?
Hmm?
How long has it been
since you had a checkup?
Me?
You kidding?
What do I need a checkup for?
I feel fine.
Good.
Why'd you ask that?
What?
When did I have a checkup?
Oh, I don't know.
I just think everybody
ought to have a checkup
every now and then.
You've been looking
a little pale, too.
Maybe you're tired,
or it's lack of sleep.
Your move.
I don't feel tired.
Good.
I look pale to you, huh?
Yeah, you look a little pale.
Eyes look a little funny,
and, uh...
And what?
What else
oh, I don't know.
You just look a little...
It's probably nothing, though.
You know, I do look pale.
My eyes look funny.
I feel warm.
I wouldn't worry about it.
You know, it wouldn't hurt
to have doc Andrews
take a look at me.
I'll get on the phone.
I've been having these
palpitations.
I didn't tell you about that.
I woke up just this morning
get me doc Andrews, will you?
And hurry, Sarah.
It's an emergency.
Stick with me, will you, ange?
Right to the end, buddy.