The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 3, Episode 23 - Andy Discovers America - full transcript
Opie's had it with his history homework, and misinterprets Andy's empathy as an excuse to skip it and lead his friends in revolt against their teacher, "Old Lady" Crump. When Miss Crump holds Andy responsible, he must find a way to motivate Opie and his pals.
Starring Andy Griffith...
With Ronny Howard...
Also starring Don knotts.
Opie, you better hurry
along with them grits.
You're going to
be late for school.
I ain't hungry.
You ain't hungry?
What's the matter with you?
Feels normal.
Hmm. Ope, uh,
you got something
you want to tell me?
No? Well, you got something
you don't want to tell me?
Oh, it's old lady crump.
Old lady what?
Oh, that's his new teacher.
He liked the old one.
Oh. Well, to
start with
you better call her miss crump.
What is it you
don't like about her?
She gives too much homework.
Mmm. Is it 'cause
she gives too much
or 'cause you ain't done it?
You can ask any of the fellas.
Miss Warner, she never gave us
all this history junk.
History?
All those dates and stuff.
Does seem to me
they're starting 'em
awful young for history.
Well, maybe they have to.
There's more of it these days.
That's right, too, ain't it?
A lot's happened
since Dewey took Manila.
Did he take it?
How's the boy going
to take his learning seriously
if you don't?
Hi.
Am I early?
Oh, hi, Barn.
Come on in.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Have a cup of coffee, Barney.
Okay, thank you, aunt bee.
Just getting Opie
straightened out a little bit
on his schoolwork.
Oh, yeah?
What's the problem, ope?
History.
If it makes you feel any better
I never was much
at history either.
Weren't you, Andy?
No.
That's funny.
History was right up my alley.
It was?
I don't remember that.
Oh, yeah.
History was one of
my best subjects.
It was?
Well, yeah. Don't
you believe me?
Well, ask me something.
Go ahead, ask me anything.
Okay. Uh, what, um...
What was the, uh,
emancipation proclamation?
You kidding?
Everybody knows that.
Well, good. It ought
to be easy for you then.
Go ahead, tell us about it.
Oh, you're kidding.
That's one of the most famous
proclamations in history.
I know.
I'll bet you even
Opie knows that one.
Go on, tell him, ope.
Tell him about the
emancipation proclamation.
I never heard of it.
You never...?
I don't know what they're
teaching 'em these days.
You tell him, aunt bee.
Me? I wasn't there, land sakes.
Well, I guess
it's up to you, Barn.
Listen to this, ope.
You might learn something.
Go ahead, Barn.
Well...
The emancipation proclamation...
Well, how do you like that?
Spot right there on my uniform.
Guess I ought to be sending
this out to the cleaners.
Yeah.
Boy.
Andy, you was, uh, you was
asking about the, uh...?
Emancipation proclamation.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
I'm all ears.
Yeah, you always was.
Well, the emancipation
proclamation...
Uh, was a proclamation,
is what it was.
What was it about?
About emancipation...
What do you think it was about?!
"What was it about?"
Use your head, man.
It's common knowledge.
It was these folks
and how else was they going
to get themselves emancipated
unless there was a proclamation?
So they got themselves
a proclamation
and they called it "the
emancipation proclamation."
Yeah?
Yeah, and I'm surprised at
you for not knowing that
and I'll tell you
something else...
I'm even more surprised
that you think I don't know
about the emancipation
proclamation.
We're still waiting for you
to tell us about it.
Well, if you get so
smart-alecky about it
maybe I'm not even
going to tell you.
You see, ope, you're not
the only one that has
trouble with history.
History was hard for me, too.
It is for some people
so you just do
the very best you can
and grow up to be
a fine young fella
and I'll be satisfied.
Okay?
Okay. Thanks, paw.
And if you don't
know the answers
you just tell
miss what's-her-name
that you come by it naturally.
I'll tell her.
Okay.
Bye, everybody.
Bye.
Bye, Opie.
Opie!
You're forgetting your lunch.
Oh, thanks, aunt bee.
You're welcome.
Can't remember his lunch.
How can he remember his history?
I wouldn't worry about
the emancipation proclamation.
Oh, I ain't worried about it.
Have to feel kind of sorry
for ope, though.
Some of these teachers.
Remember the one we had,
miss thicket?
Thicket? Boy, she must
have been 107 years old.
Take that long to get that mean.
Yeah.
Well, I guess
there's one in every school.
Ope's got one of them
old witches, huh?
Mmm. Looks like it.
Boy, I just hope
she don't break
his spirit, is all.
Miss crump.
All right, class, history now.
Oh, no, don't open your books.
We'll start
with a little review.
Opie Taylor?
Ma'am?
You seem very eager to talk.
We'll start with you.
Tell us about
the founding of jamestown.
Rise, please, Opie.
The founding of jamestown.
Well?
I guess I don't know about that.
You should, Opie.
It was in your assigned reading.
Yeah.
Well...
Did you do your homework, Opie?
Yes, ma'am.
I mean, sort of.
I mean, no, ma'am,
not all of it.
Why not?
Why not, Opie?
Why didn't you do your homework?
Well, my paw said
it wasn't too important...
All that stuff.
Your father said...?
He said he never had to learn it
so why should I?
Opie, your father told you
you didn't need
to do your homework?
Now, you're sure of that?
Well, yeah.
He said it wasn't my fault.
He said it's hard for everybody.
Quiet, class.
Sit down, Opie.
We'll get back to you later.
Howard?
I didn't do nothing.
Rise, please.
We'll let you tell us
about the founding of jamestown.
I don't know.
Why not?
Didn't you do
your homework either?
Well...
He gets away with it.
Why don't I?
Quiet, class!
Quiet, boys!
Nobody is getting away
with anything.
All those
who did not do their homework
will please raise their hands.
Come on, whitey,
put up your hand.
But I did it.
Put it up anyway.
Come on, stick together.
Very well.
Those who did not do their work
will have
their assignment doubled.
Quiet! Quiet, boys!
Nobody is getting away
with anything.
Paw! Paw!
What happened?
Did the dam bust?
Whoa, whoa, take it easy.
Take a deep breath.
I told her like you said, paw.
I told her.
You told who what?
Old lady crump.
Know what she did?
Double homework for everybody.
Only the boys.
Only the boys.
Not the girls.
But you know what? We ain't
gonna do it, right, fellas?
Right.
Right, we ain't gonna do it.
And we told her so, too.
I told her what you said, paw.
What did I say?
How history
ain't important, anyway
and how you really
don't have to do it.
Well, now, wait a minute.
I didn't mean for you
to go over there...
Old lady crump!!!
W-W-Wait, w-wait a... Wha...?
Sheriff Taylor?
You ain't, uh...
You ain't miss crump?
I see my class has come to you
for further instruction.
Uh, how's that?
Sheriff Taylor,
I'm surprised at you.
How can I teach a class
if the parents won't cooperate?
How can I be expected
to maintain discipline?
Well, uh...
Did you or did you not
tell Opie
that he needn't do his history?
Well, uh, w-well, no.
No, I mean, uh,
I-I might have thought
it was a little beyond his years
and he might have got
that idea...
Isn't that
for the teacher to decide?!
Well, well, yes, ma'am,
I mean, I...
When I took over this class
they were woefully behind
in their studies.
I thought with a little pressure
I'd be able to bring them up
to where they belong.
I was just beginning
to make a little progress...
Just beginning,
when you came along,
and you fixed it.
Oh, well, ma'am, if
I've done anything
or if I've said...
Sheriff, I just want you to know
that you've made my job
very difficult for me.
Would you please
do me just one favor?
Just stay out
of my business, please!!!
Ooh-whee.
What was that all about?
Phew!
You see that foot?
How could that great big foot,
all of it, fit in my mouth?
Paw, you did it!
Yeah!
You really did it.
You did it, all right.
Did what?
You must have really told her.
Yeah, teach her a lesson.
She thinks she's so much...
Well, funny on her.
Because you're the sheriff.
And I guess she found that out.
Yeah, you said it!
What are you talkin' about?
Ol' lady crump.
Howie got sent to the
principal's office.
While he was sitting there...
You tell him, Howie.
They were talking... a couple
of those teachers, I mean...
And they said
maybe she's gonna quit.
She might not even
be back Monday.
How 'bout that, paw?
Well...
I guess you, guess you
got rid of her, all right.
We didn't. You did.
You really run her
outta town, paw.
Well, I guess they'll
have to find you
a new teacher, huh?
Hey, th-they might not be able
to find you a new teacher...
All the trouble
you give miss crump...
If they do find one,
I bet she won't
give you any of that
history homework.
I'm glad for you.
You know that?
I'm glad for you.
That history's hard.
You're lucky... you know that?
You know what you oughta do?
Go out and celebrate.
Yeah, listen, listen, listen.
Go out and play
and have a good time.
You won't have to study
all that stuff
and mess around learnin'
all that dull stuff
about-about Indians
and redcoats and cannons
and guns and muskets and stuff.
What about Indians
and redcoats and cannons
and muskets and guns and stuff?
Oh, you know,
Indians and redcoats and...
You know, history.
Yeah?
Yeah, th-they had
the craziest gun.
What gun?
Oh, they had, they had a gun
that fired a shot
that was heard
clear 'round the world.
Durndest thing I ever heard of.
What gun?
What?
What kinda gun?
What kinda gun what?
You know what kinda gun...
The kinda gun
that could fire a shot
that could be heard
clear around the world.
Tell us about that gun.
Well...
Uh, th-there was this fella...
You sure you wanna
hear this story?
It's history.
For Pete's sake, tell the story.
Well...
One time, a long time ago
this country was
a part of england
and we wasn't
gettin' along with 'em too good.
Fact, we was thinkin'
about breakin' away
and startin' our own country
but the king
over there in england
he says, "you do that,
and I'm gonna send my redcoats."
They was British soldiers
and he was gonna send 'em
over here to whup us.
Of all the nerve.
And he says, "you better
think about that thing."
Well, so, your great-great-
great-great-great-granddaddies
all got together,
you know, to think about it
and they argued about it
back and forth a while
and finally one of 'em says,
"let's do it.
Let's start our own country."
Somebody says,
"how you do that?"
Says, "I don't know."
Says, "I reckon you just start."
Says, "what'll we call it?"
Says, "let's call it... "
Let's call it
the United States of America."
That was a good name.
Yeah.
Now, about that time
up in Boston, Massachusetts
there was a fella livin'
up there named Paul revere.
He was a pretty good ol' fella,
just as poor as job's Turkey
but he was
a pretty good ol' fella
and he owned a real good
ol' horse named Nellie.
Now, Paul, he was wandering
around the streets
up there one night
and he come up
on a friend of his
and he says,
"howdy. What's new?"
His friend says,
"what's new?"
Says, "the British is coming.
That's what's new."
What's the matter with thee?"
And Paul says,
"you're kidding."
He says, "it's a fact,"
says, "I just heard it
from an Indian."
"And you know them Indians...
They keep
their ears to the ground."
Paul says, "do the
folks know about this?"
Fella says, "I just"
heard about it myself."
Paul says,
"what we gonna do?"
Fella says,
"I'm gettin' outta town."
Paul says,
"we got to spread the word."
He says, "you spread it.
I'm gettin' outta town."
Well, Paul, he didn't
know what to do
but he knowed he
had to do somethin'.
Now, it happened
it happened
that they had planned
if the British was ever
to come over here
that they'd put a light
up in this high church steeple
and Paul went down there to look
and sure enough,
there was the light
burning brighter'n day.
Well, Paul, he jumped
on his ol' horse and he lit out.
He didn't know
where he was a-going
but he knew he had
to go somewhere.
Oh, I wish you coulda seen it.
That ol' horse
with his ears laid back
and his nostrils wide open was
suckin' in wind
like a jet engine
feet poundin' on
them cobblestones
a-strikin' off sparks
Paul a-holdin' on for dear life
and a-hollerin'
at the top of his lungs.
He says, "the British is comin'!
The British is comin'!"
Get you a gun!
We gonna have us a revolution!"
And them farmers come
a-pilin' outta the hay
like bees out of a beehive.
"Minutemen," they was called.
They grabbed their
squirrel guns...
What's minutemen?
Minutemen?
They was fellas that had to be
ready at a minute's notice.
When Paul come screechin'
down the road that way,
they grabbed their guns
and hid out behind the weeds
and walls and trees
and ever'where
and when the British
come a-prancin' along
all dressed up
in-in-in their red suits
and a-wavin' to the girls
they let 'em have it.
It was a sight to see...
And then it happened.
They fired the gun.
They fired the gun
and the shot was so loud
it was heard
clear around the world.
Oh, get out.
It's a fact.
That's the way this
country started.
You read the book.
What book?
Yeah, what book?
Where'd you get that story, paw?
Oh...
Your history book.
My history book?
Sure. There are all
kinds of good stories
stuck in there
amongst the history.
Yeah? Good as the one
you just told us?
Sure. Some of 'em
even better.
No foolin', paw?
No foolin'.
You fellas look
through that book
I'll betcha in a coupla weeks
you'd be comin' in here
tellin' me stories.
That might not be a bad idea,
you know that?
What?
Form a kind of a troop...
A history troop...
Mayberry minutemen.
Yeah.
Hey.
How about that?
I got a canteen.
Will you help us?
Uh, I mean, help them.
Will you, paw?
Sure. It'll be a pleasure.
Soon as you pass the
fitness test, I'll deputize you.
What's the fitness test?
Oh, let's see, um...
Oh, uh...
How about that list of dates
the teacher give you?
You mean we gotta learn
all th stuff?
You can't let in everybody.
He's right.
We gotta keep somebody out
or it ain't a club.
Yeah.
What say... Mayberry minutemen,
always ready with the answers?
Yeah, yeah.
And any guy that
don't join is British.
I pledge allegiance
to the flag
of the United States of America,
and to the Republic
for which it stands,
one nation under god,
indivisible,
with Liberty and justice
for all.
All right. Class, be seated.
We'll start this morning
with history.
If you'll...
If you'll turn to page, uh...
Boys...
I'm not talking
about the girls now.
Every morning,
when we come in this class
we say a pledge of allegiance
to the flag.
I just wonder if any of you boys
ever hear those words
or-or if you ever think
about what they mean.
I doubt it.
Do any of you
have the faintest idea
how this country got started
or-or have any interest in
if you have,
you just haven't shown it.
I don't know why
you even bother to...
Opie, what is it?!
I know.
You know what?
How this country got started.
Indeed?
Well, suppose you tell us.
Founding of jamestown, 1607.
The first colony was founded
in jamestown, Virginia
by captain John Smith.
He was a friend of pocahontas.
Her father was an Indian chief.
She was an Indian, too
but she was a friend
and wouldn't let 'em...
Kill him, I mean.
He wasn't the first.
Columbus was, in 1492.
It wasn't at jamestown.
It was in San Salvador.
That ain't the United States.
That's the west indies.
What about the pilgrims?
They weren't
the first Americans.
The Indians were.
Ain't that right, miss crump?
Boys?!
Boys, now, you've raised
some very interesting questions.
Uh, suppose we just start
back at the beginning
and, and take them
one at a time.
Paul revere
wasn't even alive then.
That was 100 years later.
Yeah, well,
don't be knockin' him.
Who's knockin' him?
Boys, we'll get to Paul revere,
I promise you.
Now, if-if we can all
just keep our shirts on.
You know, ange...
Hmm?
...I've been thinking.
What about?
Education... modern education
and what's wrong with it.
Is something wrong with it?
Well, there's obviously
something wrong with it
when you can't get a little
feller to remember dates.
Should be the simplest thing in
the world to remember... dates.
All you need is a system.
Yeah, who's got the system?
You?
Yeah.
If they ever introduce
this system into the schools,
it'll revolutionize the whole
world of modern education.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Want to hear about it?
Are you kidding?
Something that could
revolutionize
the whole world of modern
education... I sure do.
Shoot.
All right.
Let's... let's take a
date in history... Okay.
...say, 1776.
Now, that's a famous date.
That's right.
All right,
how do you remember it?
Okay.
The first number is 1.
Yeah.
Now, that's easy to remember,
'cause that's the first number
in the alphabet.
Yeah.
Now, the second number is...
You just remember lucky 7.
Lucky 7.
See? Now you got 1 and 7. Yeah.
Now, what's
the third number? 7.
Now, that's easy to remember,
'cause you just remembered 7, see?
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
Now, you got 1, 7, and 7.
1 and two 7s, yeah.
Now, what's the last number?
All right,
here's how you remember that.
What's 1 from 7?
6.
6. That's it... 1776.
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, it works out, too.
Wouldn't it be just as easy
to just go ahead
and remember 1776?
Well, if you want to do things
the easy way,
you're never gonna learn
anything.
Oh...
Howdy.
Sheriff Taylor...
Just what are you,
some kind of svengali?
I don't believe I know
what you mean.
Well, it's those boys
in my class.
I've never seen such a change.
I just don't know
what to expect of them anymore.
Sheriff, what did you do?
Oh, I didn't do nothin'.
Now, you must have
done something.
Oh, they, uh
they come by, and we
had a little talk.
Oh, I'd love to know
what it was you talked about.
Well, I'll tell you the truth.
I-I didn't know
what to say to 'em.
I just, uh, kind of
told 'em a little tale.
Just told 'em a
little tale, huh?
Well, you know, put a little
extra jam on the bread.
You must have used
a very special jam.
Well, I don't know
that anything I said to 'em
would hold up in court
but, uh, since I got 'em
outta the spirit
I was just tryin'
to get 'em back in it.
Andy and me give 'em
a few pointers, you know
on how to remember dates
and things like that.
This is Barney Fife.
How do you
do, Mr. Fife?
Glad to be a help, ma'am.
History's kind of
a hobby of mine.
I understand you're
in that line yourself.
Yes, I am.
Why don't you sit down?
Uh, Barn...
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, have you got them, uh,
reports filled out?
What reports?
Any reports
that need fillin' out.
Uh, hey, I got an idea.
Why don't I walk you home?
There's a few things I'd
like to talk over with you.
Oh? Oh, you know,
about history and...
Miss crump, do you know
about the
emancipation proclamation?
Well, yes, I do.
Andy here was just askin' me
about it the other day.
Why don't you sit down
and fill us in on that?
Oh, hey, I know...
We can talk about that
on the way over to your house.
I'll bring the car around.
The reports, Barn.
About the
emancipation proclamation...
Well, this is it.
Thank you for walking me home,
sheriff.
Uh, I enjoyed it.
I enjoyed our little talk.
Well, I'm kind of glad I got
a chance to explain things.
I reckon
you do have to be careful
what you say
in front of the young'uns.
They'll pick up
on the durndest things.
They will try
to turn it to their advantage.
They sure will.
I'm kind of glad
about the whole thing, though...
Gave us a chance
to get acquainted.
Yes.
Hi.
Barn.
Hey, Andy, there weren't
any reports to fill out.
I told you
I did them all this morning.
Uh, yeah.
So I called the school to find
out where miss crump lived.
Thought I'd join you.
Did you tell him about the
emancipation proclamation yet?
Well, no, I...
Good, good.
Then I'm just in time.
Go ahead and tell him about it.
I just want to see
if your version jibes with mine.
With Ronny Howard...
Also starring Don knotts.
Opie, you better hurry
along with them grits.
You're going to
be late for school.
I ain't hungry.
You ain't hungry?
What's the matter with you?
Feels normal.
Hmm. Ope, uh,
you got something
you want to tell me?
No? Well, you got something
you don't want to tell me?
Oh, it's old lady crump.
Old lady what?
Oh, that's his new teacher.
He liked the old one.
Oh. Well, to
start with
you better call her miss crump.
What is it you
don't like about her?
She gives too much homework.
Mmm. Is it 'cause
she gives too much
or 'cause you ain't done it?
You can ask any of the fellas.
Miss Warner, she never gave us
all this history junk.
History?
All those dates and stuff.
Does seem to me
they're starting 'em
awful young for history.
Well, maybe they have to.
There's more of it these days.
That's right, too, ain't it?
A lot's happened
since Dewey took Manila.
Did he take it?
How's the boy going
to take his learning seriously
if you don't?
Hi.
Am I early?
Oh, hi, Barn.
Come on in.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Have a cup of coffee, Barney.
Okay, thank you, aunt bee.
Just getting Opie
straightened out a little bit
on his schoolwork.
Oh, yeah?
What's the problem, ope?
History.
If it makes you feel any better
I never was much
at history either.
Weren't you, Andy?
No.
That's funny.
History was right up my alley.
It was?
I don't remember that.
Oh, yeah.
History was one of
my best subjects.
It was?
Well, yeah. Don't
you believe me?
Well, ask me something.
Go ahead, ask me anything.
Okay. Uh, what, um...
What was the, uh,
emancipation proclamation?
You kidding?
Everybody knows that.
Well, good. It ought
to be easy for you then.
Go ahead, tell us about it.
Oh, you're kidding.
That's one of the most famous
proclamations in history.
I know.
I'll bet you even
Opie knows that one.
Go on, tell him, ope.
Tell him about the
emancipation proclamation.
I never heard of it.
You never...?
I don't know what they're
teaching 'em these days.
You tell him, aunt bee.
Me? I wasn't there, land sakes.
Well, I guess
it's up to you, Barn.
Listen to this, ope.
You might learn something.
Go ahead, Barn.
Well...
The emancipation proclamation...
Well, how do you like that?
Spot right there on my uniform.
Guess I ought to be sending
this out to the cleaners.
Yeah.
Boy.
Andy, you was, uh, you was
asking about the, uh...?
Emancipation proclamation.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
I'm all ears.
Yeah, you always was.
Well, the emancipation
proclamation...
Uh, was a proclamation,
is what it was.
What was it about?
About emancipation...
What do you think it was about?!
"What was it about?"
Use your head, man.
It's common knowledge.
It was these folks
and how else was they going
to get themselves emancipated
unless there was a proclamation?
So they got themselves
a proclamation
and they called it "the
emancipation proclamation."
Yeah?
Yeah, and I'm surprised at
you for not knowing that
and I'll tell you
something else...
I'm even more surprised
that you think I don't know
about the emancipation
proclamation.
We're still waiting for you
to tell us about it.
Well, if you get so
smart-alecky about it
maybe I'm not even
going to tell you.
You see, ope, you're not
the only one that has
trouble with history.
History was hard for me, too.
It is for some people
so you just do
the very best you can
and grow up to be
a fine young fella
and I'll be satisfied.
Okay?
Okay. Thanks, paw.
And if you don't
know the answers
you just tell
miss what's-her-name
that you come by it naturally.
I'll tell her.
Okay.
Bye, everybody.
Bye.
Bye, Opie.
Opie!
You're forgetting your lunch.
Oh, thanks, aunt bee.
You're welcome.
Can't remember his lunch.
How can he remember his history?
I wouldn't worry about
the emancipation proclamation.
Oh, I ain't worried about it.
Have to feel kind of sorry
for ope, though.
Some of these teachers.
Remember the one we had,
miss thicket?
Thicket? Boy, she must
have been 107 years old.
Take that long to get that mean.
Yeah.
Well, I guess
there's one in every school.
Ope's got one of them
old witches, huh?
Mmm. Looks like it.
Boy, I just hope
she don't break
his spirit, is all.
Miss crump.
All right, class, history now.
Oh, no, don't open your books.
We'll start
with a little review.
Opie Taylor?
Ma'am?
You seem very eager to talk.
We'll start with you.
Tell us about
the founding of jamestown.
Rise, please, Opie.
The founding of jamestown.
Well?
I guess I don't know about that.
You should, Opie.
It was in your assigned reading.
Yeah.
Well...
Did you do your homework, Opie?
Yes, ma'am.
I mean, sort of.
I mean, no, ma'am,
not all of it.
Why not?
Why not, Opie?
Why didn't you do your homework?
Well, my paw said
it wasn't too important...
All that stuff.
Your father said...?
He said he never had to learn it
so why should I?
Opie, your father told you
you didn't need
to do your homework?
Now, you're sure of that?
Well, yeah.
He said it wasn't my fault.
He said it's hard for everybody.
Quiet, class.
Sit down, Opie.
We'll get back to you later.
Howard?
I didn't do nothing.
Rise, please.
We'll let you tell us
about the founding of jamestown.
I don't know.
Why not?
Didn't you do
your homework either?
Well...
He gets away with it.
Why don't I?
Quiet, class!
Quiet, boys!
Nobody is getting away
with anything.
All those
who did not do their homework
will please raise their hands.
Come on, whitey,
put up your hand.
But I did it.
Put it up anyway.
Come on, stick together.
Very well.
Those who did not do their work
will have
their assignment doubled.
Quiet! Quiet, boys!
Nobody is getting away
with anything.
Paw! Paw!
What happened?
Did the dam bust?
Whoa, whoa, take it easy.
Take a deep breath.
I told her like you said, paw.
I told her.
You told who what?
Old lady crump.
Know what she did?
Double homework for everybody.
Only the boys.
Only the boys.
Not the girls.
But you know what? We ain't
gonna do it, right, fellas?
Right.
Right, we ain't gonna do it.
And we told her so, too.
I told her what you said, paw.
What did I say?
How history
ain't important, anyway
and how you really
don't have to do it.
Well, now, wait a minute.
I didn't mean for you
to go over there...
Old lady crump!!!
W-W-Wait, w-wait a... Wha...?
Sheriff Taylor?
You ain't, uh...
You ain't miss crump?
I see my class has come to you
for further instruction.
Uh, how's that?
Sheriff Taylor,
I'm surprised at you.
How can I teach a class
if the parents won't cooperate?
How can I be expected
to maintain discipline?
Well, uh...
Did you or did you not
tell Opie
that he needn't do his history?
Well, uh, w-well, no.
No, I mean, uh,
I-I might have thought
it was a little beyond his years
and he might have got
that idea...
Isn't that
for the teacher to decide?!
Well, well, yes, ma'am,
I mean, I...
When I took over this class
they were woefully behind
in their studies.
I thought with a little pressure
I'd be able to bring them up
to where they belong.
I was just beginning
to make a little progress...
Just beginning,
when you came along,
and you fixed it.
Oh, well, ma'am, if
I've done anything
or if I've said...
Sheriff, I just want you to know
that you've made my job
very difficult for me.
Would you please
do me just one favor?
Just stay out
of my business, please!!!
Ooh-whee.
What was that all about?
Phew!
You see that foot?
How could that great big foot,
all of it, fit in my mouth?
Paw, you did it!
Yeah!
You really did it.
You did it, all right.
Did what?
You must have really told her.
Yeah, teach her a lesson.
She thinks she's so much...
Well, funny on her.
Because you're the sheriff.
And I guess she found that out.
Yeah, you said it!
What are you talkin' about?
Ol' lady crump.
Howie got sent to the
principal's office.
While he was sitting there...
You tell him, Howie.
They were talking... a couple
of those teachers, I mean...
And they said
maybe she's gonna quit.
She might not even
be back Monday.
How 'bout that, paw?
Well...
I guess you, guess you
got rid of her, all right.
We didn't. You did.
You really run her
outta town, paw.
Well, I guess they'll
have to find you
a new teacher, huh?
Hey, th-they might not be able
to find you a new teacher...
All the trouble
you give miss crump...
If they do find one,
I bet she won't
give you any of that
history homework.
I'm glad for you.
You know that?
I'm glad for you.
That history's hard.
You're lucky... you know that?
You know what you oughta do?
Go out and celebrate.
Yeah, listen, listen, listen.
Go out and play
and have a good time.
You won't have to study
all that stuff
and mess around learnin'
all that dull stuff
about-about Indians
and redcoats and cannons
and guns and muskets and stuff.
What about Indians
and redcoats and cannons
and muskets and guns and stuff?
Oh, you know,
Indians and redcoats and...
You know, history.
Yeah?
Yeah, th-they had
the craziest gun.
What gun?
Oh, they had, they had a gun
that fired a shot
that was heard
clear 'round the world.
Durndest thing I ever heard of.
What gun?
What?
What kinda gun?
What kinda gun what?
You know what kinda gun...
The kinda gun
that could fire a shot
that could be heard
clear around the world.
Tell us about that gun.
Well...
Uh, th-there was this fella...
You sure you wanna
hear this story?
It's history.
For Pete's sake, tell the story.
Well...
One time, a long time ago
this country was
a part of england
and we wasn't
gettin' along with 'em too good.
Fact, we was thinkin'
about breakin' away
and startin' our own country
but the king
over there in england
he says, "you do that,
and I'm gonna send my redcoats."
They was British soldiers
and he was gonna send 'em
over here to whup us.
Of all the nerve.
And he says, "you better
think about that thing."
Well, so, your great-great-
great-great-great-granddaddies
all got together,
you know, to think about it
and they argued about it
back and forth a while
and finally one of 'em says,
"let's do it.
Let's start our own country."
Somebody says,
"how you do that?"
Says, "I don't know."
Says, "I reckon you just start."
Says, "what'll we call it?"
Says, "let's call it... "
Let's call it
the United States of America."
That was a good name.
Yeah.
Now, about that time
up in Boston, Massachusetts
there was a fella livin'
up there named Paul revere.
He was a pretty good ol' fella,
just as poor as job's Turkey
but he was
a pretty good ol' fella
and he owned a real good
ol' horse named Nellie.
Now, Paul, he was wandering
around the streets
up there one night
and he come up
on a friend of his
and he says,
"howdy. What's new?"
His friend says,
"what's new?"
Says, "the British is coming.
That's what's new."
What's the matter with thee?"
And Paul says,
"you're kidding."
He says, "it's a fact,"
says, "I just heard it
from an Indian."
"And you know them Indians...
They keep
their ears to the ground."
Paul says, "do the
folks know about this?"
Fella says, "I just"
heard about it myself."
Paul says,
"what we gonna do?"
Fella says,
"I'm gettin' outta town."
Paul says,
"we got to spread the word."
He says, "you spread it.
I'm gettin' outta town."
Well, Paul, he didn't
know what to do
but he knowed he
had to do somethin'.
Now, it happened
it happened
that they had planned
if the British was ever
to come over here
that they'd put a light
up in this high church steeple
and Paul went down there to look
and sure enough,
there was the light
burning brighter'n day.
Well, Paul, he jumped
on his ol' horse and he lit out.
He didn't know
where he was a-going
but he knew he had
to go somewhere.
Oh, I wish you coulda seen it.
That ol' horse
with his ears laid back
and his nostrils wide open was
suckin' in wind
like a jet engine
feet poundin' on
them cobblestones
a-strikin' off sparks
Paul a-holdin' on for dear life
and a-hollerin'
at the top of his lungs.
He says, "the British is comin'!
The British is comin'!"
Get you a gun!
We gonna have us a revolution!"
And them farmers come
a-pilin' outta the hay
like bees out of a beehive.
"Minutemen," they was called.
They grabbed their
squirrel guns...
What's minutemen?
Minutemen?
They was fellas that had to be
ready at a minute's notice.
When Paul come screechin'
down the road that way,
they grabbed their guns
and hid out behind the weeds
and walls and trees
and ever'where
and when the British
come a-prancin' along
all dressed up
in-in-in their red suits
and a-wavin' to the girls
they let 'em have it.
It was a sight to see...
And then it happened.
They fired the gun.
They fired the gun
and the shot was so loud
it was heard
clear around the world.
Oh, get out.
It's a fact.
That's the way this
country started.
You read the book.
What book?
Yeah, what book?
Where'd you get that story, paw?
Oh...
Your history book.
My history book?
Sure. There are all
kinds of good stories
stuck in there
amongst the history.
Yeah? Good as the one
you just told us?
Sure. Some of 'em
even better.
No foolin', paw?
No foolin'.
You fellas look
through that book
I'll betcha in a coupla weeks
you'd be comin' in here
tellin' me stories.
That might not be a bad idea,
you know that?
What?
Form a kind of a troop...
A history troop...
Mayberry minutemen.
Yeah.
Hey.
How about that?
I got a canteen.
Will you help us?
Uh, I mean, help them.
Will you, paw?
Sure. It'll be a pleasure.
Soon as you pass the
fitness test, I'll deputize you.
What's the fitness test?
Oh, let's see, um...
Oh, uh...
How about that list of dates
the teacher give you?
You mean we gotta learn
all th stuff?
You can't let in everybody.
He's right.
We gotta keep somebody out
or it ain't a club.
Yeah.
What say... Mayberry minutemen,
always ready with the answers?
Yeah, yeah.
And any guy that
don't join is British.
I pledge allegiance
to the flag
of the United States of America,
and to the Republic
for which it stands,
one nation under god,
indivisible,
with Liberty and justice
for all.
All right. Class, be seated.
We'll start this morning
with history.
If you'll...
If you'll turn to page, uh...
Boys...
I'm not talking
about the girls now.
Every morning,
when we come in this class
we say a pledge of allegiance
to the flag.
I just wonder if any of you boys
ever hear those words
or-or if you ever think
about what they mean.
I doubt it.
Do any of you
have the faintest idea
how this country got started
or-or have any interest in
if you have,
you just haven't shown it.
I don't know why
you even bother to...
Opie, what is it?!
I know.
You know what?
How this country got started.
Indeed?
Well, suppose you tell us.
Founding of jamestown, 1607.
The first colony was founded
in jamestown, Virginia
by captain John Smith.
He was a friend of pocahontas.
Her father was an Indian chief.
She was an Indian, too
but she was a friend
and wouldn't let 'em...
Kill him, I mean.
He wasn't the first.
Columbus was, in 1492.
It wasn't at jamestown.
It was in San Salvador.
That ain't the United States.
That's the west indies.
What about the pilgrims?
They weren't
the first Americans.
The Indians were.
Ain't that right, miss crump?
Boys?!
Boys, now, you've raised
some very interesting questions.
Uh, suppose we just start
back at the beginning
and, and take them
one at a time.
Paul revere
wasn't even alive then.
That was 100 years later.
Yeah, well,
don't be knockin' him.
Who's knockin' him?
Boys, we'll get to Paul revere,
I promise you.
Now, if-if we can all
just keep our shirts on.
You know, ange...
Hmm?
...I've been thinking.
What about?
Education... modern education
and what's wrong with it.
Is something wrong with it?
Well, there's obviously
something wrong with it
when you can't get a little
feller to remember dates.
Should be the simplest thing in
the world to remember... dates.
All you need is a system.
Yeah, who's got the system?
You?
Yeah.
If they ever introduce
this system into the schools,
it'll revolutionize the whole
world of modern education.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Want to hear about it?
Are you kidding?
Something that could
revolutionize
the whole world of modern
education... I sure do.
Shoot.
All right.
Let's... let's take a
date in history... Okay.
...say, 1776.
Now, that's a famous date.
That's right.
All right,
how do you remember it?
Okay.
The first number is 1.
Yeah.
Now, that's easy to remember,
'cause that's the first number
in the alphabet.
Yeah.
Now, the second number is...
You just remember lucky 7.
Lucky 7.
See? Now you got 1 and 7. Yeah.
Now, what's
the third number? 7.
Now, that's easy to remember,
'cause you just remembered 7, see?
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
Now, you got 1, 7, and 7.
1 and two 7s, yeah.
Now, what's the last number?
All right,
here's how you remember that.
What's 1 from 7?
6.
6. That's it... 1776.
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, it works out, too.
Wouldn't it be just as easy
to just go ahead
and remember 1776?
Well, if you want to do things
the easy way,
you're never gonna learn
anything.
Oh...
Howdy.
Sheriff Taylor...
Just what are you,
some kind of svengali?
I don't believe I know
what you mean.
Well, it's those boys
in my class.
I've never seen such a change.
I just don't know
what to expect of them anymore.
Sheriff, what did you do?
Oh, I didn't do nothin'.
Now, you must have
done something.
Oh, they, uh
they come by, and we
had a little talk.
Oh, I'd love to know
what it was you talked about.
Well, I'll tell you the truth.
I-I didn't know
what to say to 'em.
I just, uh, kind of
told 'em a little tale.
Just told 'em a
little tale, huh?
Well, you know, put a little
extra jam on the bread.
You must have used
a very special jam.
Well, I don't know
that anything I said to 'em
would hold up in court
but, uh, since I got 'em
outta the spirit
I was just tryin'
to get 'em back in it.
Andy and me give 'em
a few pointers, you know
on how to remember dates
and things like that.
This is Barney Fife.
How do you
do, Mr. Fife?
Glad to be a help, ma'am.
History's kind of
a hobby of mine.
I understand you're
in that line yourself.
Yes, I am.
Why don't you sit down?
Uh, Barn...
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, have you got them, uh,
reports filled out?
What reports?
Any reports
that need fillin' out.
Uh, hey, I got an idea.
Why don't I walk you home?
There's a few things I'd
like to talk over with you.
Oh? Oh, you know,
about history and...
Miss crump, do you know
about the
emancipation proclamation?
Well, yes, I do.
Andy here was just askin' me
about it the other day.
Why don't you sit down
and fill us in on that?
Oh, hey, I know...
We can talk about that
on the way over to your house.
I'll bring the car around.
The reports, Barn.
About the
emancipation proclamation...
Well, this is it.
Thank you for walking me home,
sheriff.
Uh, I enjoyed it.
I enjoyed our little talk.
Well, I'm kind of glad I got
a chance to explain things.
I reckon
you do have to be careful
what you say
in front of the young'uns.
They'll pick up
on the durndest things.
They will try
to turn it to their advantage.
They sure will.
I'm kind of glad
about the whole thing, though...
Gave us a chance
to get acquainted.
Yes.
Hi.
Barn.
Hey, Andy, there weren't
any reports to fill out.
I told you
I did them all this morning.
Uh, yeah.
So I called the school to find
out where miss crump lived.
Thought I'd join you.
Did you tell him about the
emancipation proclamation yet?
Well, no, I...
Good, good.
Then I'm just in time.
Go ahead and tell him about it.
I just want to see
if your version jibes with mine.