The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 3, Episode 18 - The Loaded Goat - full transcript

A local construction crew is blasting for an underpass near Mayberry. The rumor is that the mayor wants to bring the highway past his brother's gas station. A farmer brings his goat uptown to experience his weekly shopping trip, and partly because of the blasting making the goat nervous. The goat frees itself from a bench on main street and wanders into a storeroom. The goat eats a half of a case of dynamite. Andy and Barney treat the goat with kid gloves and place him in Otis's cell. The fun starts when Otis lets himself into the locked jail using his own key and kicks the goat out of "his" cell.

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Boy, when that dynamite goes off

it makes a racket, don't it?

Ah, but, gentlemen, that noise
is the sound of progress.

Doesn't it make you proud
to know

that Mayberry's going to have
its own underpass?

By jolly, boys, those explosions

are changing the face
of this town.

Howdy, hudge.



Sheriff.

Hello, hudge.

Well, howdy, mayor.

Eh, Floyd, can you
take me for a haircut?

Floyd ain't back there, hudge.

He's out to lunch.
We all waitin' for him.

Lunch?

Mm-hmm. You know Floyd.
Takes a hour or more.

Says if he comes back
to work right after eatin'

it all goes down to his legs.

What are you doin'
with that goat in here?

Huh?

You just don't bring
a goat into a barbershop.

It seems to me you'd know that.



Mayor's right, hudge.

You really oughtn't
bring him inside.

Why didn't you
leave him home anyhow?

Well, I thought
he might like it.

And I been promisin'
to bring him uptown.

Well, besides, I didn't
want to leave him home

all by hisself.

All that blasting's
made him awful jittery.

It'll be over
in another day or two.

Animals wandering
around all over town.

I am trying to make something

out of Mayberry.

Why, with that new underpass

we could be a real Metropolis...

If some folks would
just stop turning

main street into a farmyard.

Now you just march
him out of here.

Well, leave me
tell you somethin'.

Folks is sayin' the main reason

that underpass is goin' in
is to bring the highway

past your brother's
fillin' station.

That is a lie.

That is an outright lie.

May heaven strike me
if that's not a lie.

Come on, Jimmy.

Come on.

I'll see you, hudge.

Yeah.

Come on, Jimmy.

Here.

Now, Jimmy, you stay.
You stay right here.

Look, I got me
some errands to run.

You stay until I get back.

That old buzzard.

Maybe now you'll believe me
when I try to tell you

that comin' uptown
is no big deal.

What... what are you
doin' in here?

What in the world?

Get, get out of here.

Come on, get out of here.
What are you doing?

Come on. Come on.
Get out of here.

What are you doing in here?
Come on, get out of here.

Come on, get, get, get!

Goats.

That's good, Barney.

You gettin' good on that piece.

Well, I been workin'
on it nights.

That's good.

Any phone calls?

No, just old miss vickers.

Every time a blast goes off

she calls askin' if
it's yankee cannons

comin' down the road.

Sheriff's office.

Yes, miss vickers.

No, ma'am, that's just blastin'
on the underpass.

Yes, ma'am, we're still
holdin' on to Richmond.

I don't believe I convinced her.

Huh. Poor old soul.

Yeah.

Sheriff.
Sheriff, he's gone.

He's gone.

Who's gone?

Jimmy, my goat.

I left him out front
and told him to stay put

and when I got back,
he was gone.

I can't imagine
where he's gone to.

He was in here
just a minute ago.

Jimmy was here?

I'll be dogged, Barney.

He liked your
French harp playing.

He must be
in the neighborhood somewhere.

Hudge, you go around that way

and me and Barney will check up

through the alley.

I sure hope
he don't do no damage.

You know that fool goat
will eat anything

he can get his teeth into.

See anything, Andy?

No.

Hey, Otis?

Listen, maybe you can help us.

Oh, I'm afraid not.

How would I know

about anybody selling
moonshine, huh?

We're not lookin'
for a still, Otis.

With all
the explosions going on,

I was out gettin' some
tranquilizers... you're not?

No, we're not, Otis.

Have you seen a big Billy goat

grey hair with
long white whiskers?

Oh, no, no, I haven't
seen anything like that.

But I will.
I will.

Hi, pa.

Oh, hi, son.
You seen Mr. Hudgins around?

Oh, hudge must have caught him
by now, Andy.

Caught who?
You after a crook?

No, we're looking
for Mr. Hudgins' goat.

Oh. I saw a goat
back in the hardware store,

by that old shed.

Oh, good. Thanks, ope.

Come on, Barn.

Well, you check
back of the store

I'll check the other end
of the alley.

Think he might have
gone in this shed?

I don't know.
Take a look.

Jimmy?

You in here, Jimmy?

What's the matter, Barn?

Somethin' wrong?

Looky there.

What's that?

That's Jimmy's rope.

He's been here, all right.

He has?

Yeah. And what's more,
he had lunch here.

Lunch?

You mean he ate dynamite?

Hudge said he'd eat
about anything

and he sure did.

Andy, are you...

Are you saying that...?

Somewhere wanderin'
loose around Mayberry is...

A loaded goat.

A goat full of dynamite?

What are we gonna do?

Well, the main thing
is to stay calm.

That's right,
nothing to worry about.

No sense gettin' in a panic.

Just stay calm and cool and...

There he goes!

No, no, that's just
blastin' on the highway.

Now, remember, when we do
catch up with him, easy does it.

Treat him extra gentle.

Jimmy...

Hey, hey, Jimmy...
Jimmy, you get...

What is the matter with you?

I ain't ever gonna bring
you uptown again.

Oh, I hate to do this

but I am gonna give
you a good kick

just to teach you a lesson.

Hudge!

Don't kick the goat.

Huh?

That goat ate itself
full of dynamite.

Dynamite?

Yeah, one swift kick and blooey.

Barney, go up
to the highway crew

and bring back
their blastin' engineer.

Maybe he can help us.

Eatin' dynamite.

Now ain't that the
way it always is?

First time he comes uptown

he figures he's got
to do everything.

Well, I gotta admit, sheriff.

It's sure a new one on me.

Hey, you'd better keep that on.

You got any idea
how much dynamite's in him?

Oh, probably quite a bit.

He's got a very
healthy appetite.

Is there anything we can do?

Well, it looks like you a doing

about all you can do.

The more hay he eats,
the better.

It could kind of
cushion his insides.

You think he could go off?

Friend, I've been working
with explosives

for 20 years, and I've learned

there's only one thing
you can be sure of...

And that's that there's nothing

you can be sure of.

Well...

Good day, gentlemen.

No smokin'!

What's the matter with you?

Are you crazy?

That goat in there
ate itself full of dynamite.

Dynamite!

So, no smokin' or open fires

or radio transmission

within a hundred feet.

Dynamite?

I-uh...

A-A-A goat full of dynamite?

Mm-hmm.
And lots of it.

He has always had
a good appetite.

Why didn't you just
pick him up and just...

Throw him out of town?

Well, we can't do that, mayor.

Safest things is
just not jostle him...

Keep him extra quiet.

One wrong move and
everything goes blooey.

Is it possible... I...

I mean, could a-a goat...

Blooey?

Mr. Burton here says
anything's possible.

Oh, my.

Anything more we can do?

Anything, anything at all.

Well, to prevent
any chain reaction

we could stop our blasting.

But that'd delay
the underpass...

And I promised my brother

it'd be finished by...

All right, all right...
Stop the blasting.

What would happen if
the goat did go off?

These walls are pretty thick.

Most of the destructive force
would go straight up.

Straight up?

Butoffice is up there.

There's nothing else
I can tell you, sheriff.

I'll have to be getting back.

I'd better evacuate
some of my important papers.

But I'll tell you
what ought to be done.

That animal should be
destroyed immediately.

How would you propose
we do that?

You've got a lot of guns here...
Shoot him.

Shoot him?

Shoot him... with a gun.

All right.

There you are, mayor.

You do it.

Hmm?

You do it.

Oh, but, i-i-I've...

Mayor, when you shoot that goat

he's going to fall
down, ain't he?

Yes.

And when he falls down,
being full of dynamite

what's gonna happen?

Blooey.

So long, mayor.

Well, uh...

Well, I'd...

Surely there must be a more
humane way of doing this

but in the interest
of public safety

I want that goat out of here.

I want him out of this town.

Wh... what are you
gonna do, sheriff?

Jimmy didn't mean no harm.

It's like I say.

He's got a healthy
appetite... that's all.

Huh. Hate to see
anything happen to him.

He's been like a friend to me.

You better go on home, hudge.

Leave it to us.

We'll try to think of something.

All right.

What are you gonna do, Andy?

I don't know.

I suspect the mayor's
right, though.

We got to get him out of town.

I sure don't know how.

We'll just have
to gentle him out.

I got to go get some more hay.

You come along, too,
and get some more pillows

and things to pad the place.

Innkeeper!

Innkeeper!

Innkeeper!

I wonder if it's a holiday.

♪ I'll get a little rest...

♪ oop-Dee, doop-Dee do.

♪ Bee-doo-bee

oh.

Oh... boy.

It's gonna feel so good.

Oh...

Oh, baby's sleepy.

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoo!

Wow, that's a new one.

First time I ever fell
off a bed onto the wall.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Whoo...

Oh, the heck with it.

I think I'll just wait

for the world to turn around
a little more.

Uncle nat?

What are you doin' here?

Well, you're not uncle nat.

You're a goat.

What are...

What are you doing here, anyway?

Okay, this is my cell

and I don't share my cell
with anybody!

This is a decent place
of detention

and it's not a menagerie

and if you don't want a rope
on that throat

then you get.

All right, pal.

To each his own.

Oh, it's... he looks mad.
Ohh!

Oh, watch out, Andy.

Otis, what'd you do?

That's a mad goat.

What'd you do, Otis?

He was in my cell, Andy.

What is this, the middle ages?

Impounding human beings
with animals?

Otis, that goat's
a dangerous weapon.

He's full of dynamite.

Huh?

Yes, he ate a case of dynamite.

You would
have to show up today, Otis.

About one loaded goat at a time
is all we can handle.

Dynamite?

That goat's filled with dy...?

Barney, watch him!

Careful, Barney, the goat's mad.

What happened?

Otis kicked him out of
the cell, and he got mad.

Why didn't somebody tell me?

Why didn't somebody
give me warning?

Why didn't you tie something red
on his tail? That way, he...

Shut up, Otis.
Just shut up.

You know what'll happen if that
goat butts against anything?

Blooey!

You know what'll happen
if he butts against you

with all that alcohol in
ya... you'll both blow up.

Ohh. Ohh.

What are we gonna do, Andy?

I don't know.

Just easy... just take it easy.

How we gonna calm him down?

Look at him... he's liable
to charge this desk any minute.

Just stay calm, Barn, stay calm.

Darn that stupid goat for coming
in here in the first place.

If we ever get out of this alive

I'm going to take that
cy hudgins personally

and I'm going to...

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You got your French harp on you?

Huh?

Have you got your
French harp on you?

At a time like this you want
me to play the French harp?

Have you got your French
harp on you or ain't ya?

Yeah.

Good, good. Play.

Play?

Play.

Are you havin' a spell?

Barney, play.

What do you want me to play?

Play the one you been
practicin' on... play.

Good. Good.

Keep playin'.

Keep playin,' Barney.

Just keep playin.'

see there?

He don't look so mad anymore.

Andy, what do...

Keep playin.'

ease down off the desk.

Ease down.

That's good.

Keep playin'.

Now, work your way to the door.

That's right.

That's good.

That's good.

Now...

Here we go.

Now start walkin'.

Play good;
Play extra good.

You may go down in history

as the first man to ever lead

a loaded goat out of town.

Watch it, Barney.
Watch it, Barney.

A clinker might set him off.

You want to get that stuff
together in there, Barn?

Sarah, get me Mr. Burton
over at the blasting.

I sure am glad it's over.
I'm about played out.

Yeah, that's probably
the first time

a deputy ever got chapped lips
in the line of duty.

Uh, Mr. Burton?
Sheriff Taylor.

You can start up
your blastin' again.

Yeah, we got Jimmy staked out
in a nice field way out of town.

Yeah, I'm sure he'll be fine.

Much obliged.

Right. Bye.

He's a nice fella.

Might as well get this stuff
out of here.

Yeah.

Yes. Yes, hudge.

And I'll just stand by here

in case any official calls
come in while they're gone.

Well, I sure hope
nothing happens to them.

You suppose that was... was...

It could only be them.

They've stopped blasting
on the highway.

It was them...

Both of them...

Snuffed out just like that.

Probably Jimmy, too.

Two brave,
brave public servants,

who gave their all
in the line of duty.

Oh, I don't deny
we had our differences,

but nobody can doubt
that sheriff Andrew Taylor

was a fine man...
Courageous, loyal, dedicated.

Little fella was nice, too.

Indeed, yes.

Deputy Fife will also go down

in the annals
of Mayberry history

as a man of unswerving
devotion to duty,

of unchallenged character,
of the highest ideals.

What more can I say?

What more?

Uh.

Well...

Do you want to run through
that part again

about being loyal
and courageous?

Don't leave out
about my unchallenged character.

Much obliged, mayor!