The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 3, Episode 15 - Barney and the Governor - full transcript

Starring Andy Griffith...

With Ronny Howard...

Also starring Don knotts.

Hi, boys.

Barn.
Barn.

All right, who did that?

Come on, come on.
Who did it?

Did what, Barney?

Threw that piece of paper
in the street.

All right,
I'm gonna count to 10,

and then I want the man
that threw that paper...



Oh, for Pete's sake, Barney.
I did it.

What's so terrible about that?
Just a gum wrapper.

I'll tell you
what's so terrible about it...

You start with gum wrappers,
and then it's paper bags...

Then newspapers,
then tin cans, then rubbish.

First thing you know,
Mayberry's up to here in litter.

Now, litter brings slums,
and slums brings crime.

Now, is that what you want to
see started here in Mayberry...

A crime wave?

Well, I don't,
and I aim to nip it in the bud.

Now, you get
that piece of paper,

and you dispose of it properly.

Oh, come on, Barney.
Nip it!

Better hurry and get
that piece of paper, Chester,



before this town turns into
a regular dodge city.

See, there, boys?

With an eagle-eyed deputy
like that,

we can all sleep
real relaxed and easy.

Ooh-wee.

That's at least
a half a acre of car.

What a wagon!

I'll say.

The owner of this car

must have a real tough time

recollectin' his number.

Fella can afford this

probably has three hired hands

to recollect it for him.

Any idea who it is?

No.

So that's what a
governor's car looks like.

Governor's car?

Sure. That's his
chauffeur in there now.

Jack.

Barney!

Barney, come here.

Yeah?

You ain't exactly
on the job, deputy.

What do you mean?

Well, you see
where this baby's parked?

Right smack in the middle

of a "no parking" zone.

Yeah, it sure is.

And don't think I didn't
spot it neither.

What did I tell you
about old eagle

you got to get up early

to put anything past this boy.

These out-of-towners
think they can come in here

and break
every rule in the book, huh?

Exactly what me
and the boys were saying.

Yeah, well, they got
another think coming.

They're going to learn
different the hard way.

Something wrong, officer?

Oh.

Nothing that a little traffic
violation ticket won't fix.

You're kidding. Do you have
any idea whose car this is?

I don't care if it belongs
to the governor himself.

This vehicle registered
in your name?

Nope.

The governor's.

You can tell the governor...

Governor?

Now, what was it you
wanted me to tell him?

Oh, um, oh...

See, I...

You can tell the governor for me

that he's gone and bought
hisself a traffic ticket...

Compliments of Barney Fife.

Okay.

This ain't exactly going
to make you a pinup

at the state house.

I ain't wearing this uniform

to make friends
and influence people, you know.

Furthermore, I'm calling
on you men for the last time

to disperse and disassemble.

Break it up!

Come on, move!

You too.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, come on!

Fellow thinks he can
ride roughshod over Mayberry

just because he happens
to be the...

Oh, boy, the governor.

The governor?!

Now, Andy, before
you go jumping all over me,

just answer one question.

I'm not jumping
all over you, Barn.

Just one question... that's all.

I am a police officer
sworn to uphold the law.

I'll go along with that.

And doggone it, Andy,
when the time comes,

if I have to dish out
special privileges

just because somebody happens...

Don't have a spell.

I think you did fine.

You do?

Yes. Fella parks his car
illegally, he gets a ticket.

Right.

A parking violation's
a parking violation.

That's it.

Of course, since it was
the governor's car,

some folks might feel
the diplomatic thing

would have been
to just kind of overlook it.

That's right.

Jump all over me.

I'm not jumping
all over you, Barn.

I'm just...

Oh, howdy, mayor.

Well, sheriff Taylor,
just what kind

of a department
are you running here?

The best we know how.

And does that include tagging
the governor's car

when it passes through?

It wasn't exactly
"passing through," mayor.

It was parked
in a "no parking" zone.

That's right... right out there
where them two signs is,

in front of the post office.

Quiet!

Is that what you call

running an efficient department?

Now, by golly, sheriff,
you just get on that telephone

and you call
the governor's office

and you apologize to them.

You tell them
to tear up that ticket.

You tell them it was all just
one big, stupid mistake.

Now, look here, mayor... Barney
was out there doing his duty,

and that's all there is to it.

Are you going to call
the governor or not?

Barney, you better get on over
to the school crossing.

No, I'm not going
to call the governor.

You want to call the governor?

Right there's the phone.

Sarah? Mayor stoner here.

Put me through to the governor's
office at once.

Top priority.

I just want him to know

that we're not all
stupid down here.

The best thing is for me to talk
to the governor himself.

Fortunately, I know him.

It may make things
a little easier.

Hello?

Mayor Roy stoner of Mayberry
calling the governor.

We'll get this thing

straightened out
in no time at all.

When I explain to ed that...
Hello?

Stoner.
S-t-o-n-e-r. Stoner.

And it's very important.

Must be a new secretary.

Hello, ed.

How are you?

Long time, no see.

Look, ed... stoner.

Roy stoner?

Look, ed, your car
was passing through...

Stoner. S-t-o-n-e-r. Stoner.

Ed, your car
was passing through...

Roy stoner?

Why don't I just turn you
over to sheriff Taylor

and let him explain
the whole thing in full?

Yes, sir, governor?

This is sheriff Taylor.

Uh, governor,
my deputy, Barney Fife,

tagged your car this morning

and, well, I'm sorry about that,

but the fact is...

Why be sorry, sheriff?

I think what your deputy did
was commendable.

Sir?

That's right.

It shows a man's on the job.

I like that.

We could use more men

like him.

Uh, governor, would, uh...

Would you mind repeating that?

I said what your deputy did
was highly commendable.

You know, in all the years
I've been in office,

this is the first time
anyone's had the spunk

to tag my car.

Why apologize for it?

A man does his duty,

he should be commended.

What was that name again?

Stoner. S-t-o...

No, no, no. The deputy.

Fife, Barney Fife.

Fine. I have some business
that takes me in your vicinity

later in the day.

I might drop in on you.

I'd like to see
this deputy of yours

and just shake his hand.

Good day, sheriff.

All right, sir.

He's coming here.

To Mayberry.

To congratulat Fife.

Listen, don't say anything
to Barney.

Let me tell him.

I want to see
the look on his face

when I tell him
the governor's coming here

to shake his hand.

The governor's...
Not mad at all.

Thanks to you, mayor.

If you and him
wasn't such good friends,

ain't no telling

what might have happened.

Hiya, deputy.

What are you going to give
the governor

Wisenheimers.

Bunch of wisenheimers.

They don't appreciate
a thing you do around here.

Hiya, deputy.

Otis?

What are you doing here?

It's only Friday afternoon.

I decided to take a long weekend

because of the holiday.

What holiday?

I think it's our anniversary.

Why ain't you home
with your wife?

What kind of a holiday
would that be?

Since you're planning to spend
such a long weekend with us,

maybe I'd better frisk you

and make sure
you ain't sneaking in

any of that bottled goods
of yours.

I don't have a pillowcase.

Would you get me one, please?

And bring me an extra blanket.

I feel a little
sniffle coming on.

Otis, we're supposed
to be running a jail here,

not a hotel.

Sheriff's office.
Fife speaking.

This is mayor stoner.

Well, hi, Mr. Mayor.

Fife, when the governor

arrives this afternoon,

be sure and have the sheriff
call me at once.

The governor's coming here?

Why, yes.
To pay you a visit.

Didn't Andrew tell you?

No.

Oh.

Well, he will.

In any event,
as mayor of Mayberry,

I think it's only proper
that I should be present.

So, don't forget.

Have the sheriff call me.

Good-bye, Fife.

Uh, g-g-good-bye.

The governor's coming here.

Oh, he's really going
to let me have it.

There goes my job.

Can you imagine that?

Can you just imagine that?

And the mayor and Andy
both in on it.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

I just can't believe that.

Oh, Barney...

Otis, did you hear
what they want to do to me?

They want to humiliate me,
embarrass me,

and the mayor and Andy both
standing there watching it.

What do you say to that?

Cheers.

I got to clean out this crock.

They're actually going
to permit the governor

to come all the way down here
just to hold me up to ridicule.

And why?

Just because I did my duty,
that's why.

Can you imagine that?

Bottoms up.

Well, I don't have to take
that kind of treatment.

I'm sick and tired

of all the wisenheimers
snickering at me.

I've had a bellyful.

And a snootful.

You know what?

I just ain't going to be around,
that's what.

I just ain't going to give them
the satisfaction.

I'm going to take the day off.

That's what I'm going to do.

So you just give them that
little message for me, Otis.

You just tell them for me
that deputy Barney Fife

regrets that he cannot meet
with the governor

as he has a few other
frish to fy.

Imagine a guy
getting that gassed

and he don't know enough
to appreciate it.

Hey, Barn.

Oh, hi, Otis.

You seen Barney?

Barney, what's with you?

Hi.

Have you been...?

You have.

Barney, what'd you do?

You're going
to mess up everything.

Oh, am I now?

Do you know
who's coming here today?

The governor
of this state's coming here

and do you know why?

I know why.

But Barney Fife isn't
going to be here.

I don't have to take
this humiliation, Andy.

So... I am leaving
for the day.

You can tell the governor

to put that in his
smipe and poke it.

W-Wait, wait,
wait a minute, Barney.

Now listen to me.

You've got it all wrong.

The governor is coming here
to shake your hand.

Oh, sure, sure.

He told me so on the phone.

Sure, Mike, sure.

Listen, Barn, listen.

The governor said
that he was actually pleased

that somebody had
spunk enough to...

Listen, listen.

He said he was pleased

somebody had spunk enough
to tag his car

and he wants to come here
to meet you.

Now, I never have lied
to you before, Barn,

and I ain't lying to you now.

The governor is coming
here to shake my hand?

Yes.

Bless his heart.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

How'd you get this way?

Hmm?

Otis, what do you know
about this?

I think it's the fallout.

It's affecting our milk.

Come on.

Let's get you home
and sobered up. Come on.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, uh, Otis, listen,
if the mayor comes by...

I thought he was coming
to bawl me out.

Forget it, Barn.
Forget it.

Otis, listen...

It means I didn't trust you.

It's all right. Otis...

You're my friend

and here I've accused you
of plotting against me.

I'm no good, Andy.
I'm just no good.

Otis, tell the mayor
we'll be back after a while.

Come on, Barney.

I'm no good.
That's all right.

I'm no good. I'm no good.
Come on. It's okay.

Hey, everybody,

:
Barney Fife is...

I'm just no good.

I'm no good, Andy.

I'm just no good.

Okay. Come on.

I'm no good.

I'm...

No good, Andy.

Barney, will you quit?

Let's get in the house.

Now, we got to move fast.

But it's true.

I'm just no good.

It's not true, Barney.

You're good.

Come on.

Just saying that.

No, I'm not.

Do you really believe that?

Yes. Now, come on.

Then say it again.

You're good.
You're good.

Now let's get in the house.

Here we go.

That's it.

Here we go.

Andy...

What?

You're good, too.

Okay.

And I like you.

Swell. Come on.

Let's get in the house.

No, I can...
I can... I can get up.

Oh, good, good.

There you are.

Do you like me?

Yes. Now come on.

Well, why don't you say it?

I like you.

I like you, too.

Good. I like you, too.

I liked you first.

I have always liked you. Good.

Have you always liked me?

Barney, can't I
make you understand?

We got to get you straightened
out before the governor gets here.

Now, will you cooperate?

The governor...
Yes.

...is coming here.
That's right.

To shake my hand.
To shake your hand.

Bless his heart.

Come on.

And that's all he said?

Nothing more?

That's all, mayor.

Just said they'd be back.

Well, they are always
in this office.

Always.

Today of all days that...

Well, that is just fine.

That is just fine.

They ever clean this crock?

The governor coming here today

and the man he's coming
specifically to see

doesn't even have
the decency to show up.

Oh, dear.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

I just hope when the governor
does get here,

they'll at least come by.

Uh, mayor.

What?

Skoal.

There you go.

I never had so many
hot and cold showers in my life.

Now, tell me one more time...
The last thing you remember

is taking a drink of water
out of the cooler?

That was it, Andy.

Next thing I know
it's happy new year.

I don't understand it.

I had a drink of water

out of that cooler
this morning and...

Otis.
Otis.

He spiked the spring water.

I don't know whether
I can stand this, Andy.

I never shook hands
with a governor before.

Oh, pull yourself
together, Barn.

It's just like any other hand.
Come on.

Oh, sorry to keep you
waiting, governor.

I'm sheriff Taylor.

Hello, sheriff.

This is my deputy, Barney Fife.

Yes, the man who gave
me a parking ticket.

I like that very much.

To me, it's a splendid example

of a man concentrating
on his duty.

You know, you can't really have

100% law enforcement

if you make exceptions
to a few privileges.

Good, good.

Keep up the fine work.

:
Thank you.

I thought it was
important enough

to come here
and tell you myself.

Well, that was mighty nice
of you, governor.

We sure do appreciate it.

I'd like to stay here

and visit with you some more,

but I have to start
back to the capital.

Pleasure meeting you, boys.

Appreciate you coming down.

Keep up the fine work, sheriff.

We'll try.

We'll see you.

Well... that's the hand
that shook the hand, did it?

Yeah.

I got a good mind not
to wash it for a week.

Wonder where the mayor is.

Otis, you seen the mayor?

Mayor?

Hmm?

Andy... he's smashed.

Mayor, you missed the governor.

Governor?

Hi, governor.

Mayor stoner of Mayberry.

Showers?

Showers.

That was a terrible thing,
Otis...

Spiking the water in the cooler.

That's a serious offense.

You beat everything.
You know that?

Well, I'm sorry, Andy.

I guess it was
sort of a dumb thing to do.

I was just settling down
for a long weekend,

and... well, I'm sorry.

I still say we ought to throw
the book at him,

put him in that cell,
and throw away the key.

He's going back to his cell...
Never mind about that.

All right, Otis.
Let's go.

We'll just keep you
a little longer than usual.

Can I have a drink?

Help yourself, and hurry up.

Mm.

Oh, what is that?

Water, Otis...
Pure, clear spring water.

Oh, it's disgusting.

You fellas really drink that?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, what a weekend
this is gonna be.

Cheers.