The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 3, Episode 13 - The Bank Job - full transcript
Barney questions the level of security at the Mayberry Security Bank but no one will apparently listen to him. The elderly guard, Asa, is asleep on a chair most of the time and his gun is as old as he is. The manager takes no interest in Barney's suggestions and Andy is no different. Barney decides to show them how insecure it all is by dressing as a cleaning woman and staging a hold-up. The bank manager and his teller are soon onto him and in the confusion, Barney locks himself in the safe. He manages to get out by kicking a hole in the back wall but when real bank robbers try to hold up the bank, they all think it's Barney trying to make his point yet again.
Starring Andy Griffith...
With Ronny Howard...
Also starring Don knotts.
Barn.
Andy.
Boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy.
When will people
ever learn?
When will they
ever learn?
What's the matter?
They're having themselves
a regular crime wave
over there
in Marshall county.
It's no wonder.
Huh?
Listen to this--
"a recent rash
of burglaries
"in this community
"has the local sheriff's office
greatly concerned.
"The sheriff attributes
most of the robberies
"to the lack of security
on the part of town merchants.
"Said sheriff Wilson, 'we would
have fewer robberies
if folks showed
less a-pathy.'"
apathy.
Right.
Well, my friend...
Today it's happening
over in Marshall county
and tomorrow it's us.
What do you mean?
Well, I'm surprised
we've been spared
this long, Andy.
Andy, this town
is a piece of cake.
A crook could come in here
and walk off with the place.
And why?
Because
there's no security.
And why is there
no security?
A-pathy.
Apathy.
Would you like me
to give you particulars?
If you want...
A: Earl Johnson
left his key in
the car all night.
Well, don't you
remember, Barn?
That key broke of in there
last spring.
He can't get it out.
All right. B:
No night-light on
in the office
of the Mayberry icehouse.
I know it.
What do you mean,
you know it?
The light keeps
the watchman awake.
That's "c."
Oh, Andy, everywhere
you look in this town
it's just carelessness
and indifference.
You sure are awful police
this morning.
What did you and Thelma Lou
do last night?
What's that got
to do with anything?
We gotta shape up here, chief.
"Chief"?
You never call me chief
unless, uh...
You went to the movies,
didn't you?
I think so.
What was playing?
I don't remember.
All I know is the situation
around here is desperate.
Uh...let's see...
Thursday, Friday
and Saturday
Glenn Ford in "g-men."
That's what
you saw, huh?
I don't remember.
That's what you saw.
Glenn Ford in "g-men."
Now you're gonna Glenn Ford it
all over town.
Try to control it,
will you, Barn?
I got to go out
and do
a little business.
I'll be back
after a while.
Well, where are
you going to be?
Come on, let's have
some organization.
Fill me in.
All right.
One: Take squad car
to filling station
and have lube.
Two: Walk block and a half
to drugstore.
Three: Eat lunch,
consisting of
a: Egg salad sandwich;
b: Hold lettuce
and tomato;
c: Coffee, black.
Oh, and, d: Have one of them
little yellow cookies.
You got the rundown,
Glenn?
Stick 'em up.
Oh, hiya, Barney.
All right, Asa,
on your feet.
This is a security check.
What?
On your feet.
Well, give me a hand,
will you, Barney?
I got the misery
in my back.
Now what's this
I can do for you?
I said this is
a security check.
Security check!
Oh, window number two.
Miss Harriet
will cash it.
No, Asa, I don't want
to cash a check.
I'm checking
the security
of this bank.
This place
is a pushover.
For a robbery, you mean?
Have you heard something?
Is there going
to be a robbery?
No, no, no.
But there could be.
This place
is just begging for it.
What are your official
countermeasures
in the event of a 10
seems to me I heard
someone else say that
in the last few days.
Now who was that?
Well, come on, who was it?
Maybe the bank's being cased.
Well, let's see...
Come on, think, Asa, think.
Nice-looking fella about 35,
dark hair...
A stranger?
No. I've seen him before.
Now wait a minute...
Well?
Glenn Ford-- that's who it was.
Did you see
that picture?
Wasn't he wonderful?
I ain't interested
in movies.
I'm interested in
your official countermeasures.
What would you do
in the event
of a holdup?
Well, uh...
First thing, I, uh...
I-I'd pull my gun.
All right, draw.
Uh, I should have
warned you, Barney.
You see, the flap holds
the handle on the gun.
I lost the screws
about four years ago.
I'll get over
to the hardware store
on of these days
and get some new ones.
The hardware store
is right down the street.
What are them green things
in your cartridge belt?
Bullets.
They're moldy.
Asa, let me show you what
a bullet ought to look like.
Now there's
bullet maintenance.
Oh, Barney, that's beautiful.
I've heard about
your bullet, Barney.
It's beautiful.
I like for things
to be nice and shiny.
One of these days
I'll bring over
my ball of tinfoil.
Hey, Barn?
I finished eating lunch.
You want to eat?
I'm so disgusted,
I don't feel like eating.
Come here.
Andy, these people
are making a fool
out of the word
"security".
The bank guard
is a joke.
Look at him.
Cash drawers
are left open.
The vault is open.
Barney, you're gettin'
all steamed up over this.
Why don't you just
take the rest
of the day off?
Go on over
to the drugstore
and have
a nice lunch.
The businessman's special
is a hollowed-out tomato
stuffed with avocado
and raisins.
It's good, too.
And top things off
with a lemon phosphate
and you're
right in business.
Take a walk
over to the grand--
watch them
change the marquee.
Well, you always
enjoy that.
You must take me
for the biggest idiot
on the American scene.
Now, Barn...
Why don't you come
right out and say it--
I'm a jerk.
Well, come on,
come on, say it.
J-e-r-k.
Jerk.
Slapping me
in the face
with this
businessman's special
and a lemon phosphate
and taking
a day off.
Andy, Barney.
Something
I can do for you?
Yeah. I'll give it to you
straight from the buttonhole
sheriff Taylor
not withstanding.
This bank is a cracker box
and a pushover.
I have given it
a complete
and thorough examination,
and I cannot see one--
not one, mind you--
acceptable countermeasure
in the event of a 10-12.
Barney, I think
you got hold of something there.
Come here.
Harriet, can you
come here a minute?
I want you
to hear something.
Go ahead, Barney.
Tell her
what you told me.
Well, I simply said that
after a thorough examination
I find this bank lacking
any countermeasures whatsoever
in the event of a 10-12.
Well?
Glenn Ford.
Of course.
Man:
That was great, Barney.
Now simmer down,
Barn.
Four years Asa's
been walkin' around
without any screws
in his gun.
Where's the
hardware store?
Right down the street
a whiff and
a whisker away.
Boy, oh, boy.
All right.
I'll go get screws
and put 'em
in Asa's gun.
What kind of
gun's Asa got?
Oh, one of them
old Teddy Roosevelt
horse pistols.
I remember it.
My daddy got Asa
to show it to me
when I was a boy.
He let me put it in my belt.
Boy, it was heavy.
I remember
it slipped through
and tore the buckle
off my knickers and everything.
What's the action here?
Why are we stoppin'
at Mrs. Kelsey's?
Mrs. Kelsey had
to go to mt. Pilot.
Oh, we're going
to check the locks, huh?
Uh, no, we're going
to take in her laundry.
What?!
She asked
in very nice way
and I said we would.
Now come on, Barn.
The back
screen door's open.
Just leave it
on the service porch.
Andy, I'm a deputy sheriff.
You're also a servant
of the people.
Now come on, Barn.
Fine work for a highly trained,
skilled officer of the law.
Hey, Barn,
don't get hurt.
What?
Them clothespins
got awful strong Springs.
Well, hello, Leon.
Mrs. Kelsey's away.
I'm just taking down
her clothes.
Don't never be
a police officer, Leon.
Not in this town, anyways.
You know what a police officer
is in this town?
A laundry boy.
No, thanks, Leon.
Well, I hope
when you grow up
you move to a town
that has a better bank.
That bank is in
such a sorry state.
I'd like to see them
get held up just once--
just once, just to scare
the heck out of them.
That's all.
Just once.
I'd like to find
some way to show them
what kind of an easy Mark
they are.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Don't you say nothin'
about this, Leon.
May I help you, ma'am?
I'm Mrs. Magruder's
cousin.
I'm here to clean
for her.
Where's Mrs. Magruder?
She's sick.
What's wrong with her?
Uh...
Fungus of the knee.
* you're as welcome
as the flowers in may *
* to dear old donegal
* mm, to dear
old donegal *
Mr. Meldrin.
What is it, Harriet?
Come down here
a minute.
Look at that
old woman.
Mrs. Magruder?
It's not
Mrs. Magruder.
It's supposed to be
Mrs. Magruder's cousin,
but it isn't.
Take a good look.
Barney Fife?
Oh, this is incredible.
I think we offended
him this morning.
He's trying to teach
us a lesson.
Watch this.
Stop, thief!
Oh, my heavens!
It's locked,
and it won't open again
till 8:00
tomorrow morning.
He'll smother
in there.
Thank goodness
he doesn't sound
like he's hurt.
Asa! Asa!
Hmm?
Time to go home?
No. Deputy Fife
is locked in the vault.
Run over to the filling station
and tell them we need
an acetylene torch.
Harriet, get
sheriff Taylor.
All right.
Oh, that stupid deputy.
Hey, Barn!
You all right?
Hurry up, gomer--
he don't answer.
This stuff's thick.
It ain't like cuttin'
through a mashed Fender.
I sure hope
he's all right.
Hi, Mrs. Rodenbach.
Hi, Barney.
Got a case?
What's the matter?
Haven't you ever seen
a man take off a dress before?
Oh, that fool,
that fool.
Why did he do this?
He thought he was doing it
for your own good.
Barney:
Right.
Barney, you're all right.
I'm fine.
Doggone you, we thought
you was in that vault.
I was.
I crashed through
the back wall
into the beauty shop.
If that don't prove
what a crackerbox bank you got,
I don't know what does.
You've done nothing
but cause trouble.
You had us all
worried sick.
Well, worried or not,
have I made my point
or haven't I?
I bet there ain't a bank
in the whole world
that has less security
than the Mayberry security bank.
The guard's
always asleep.
The cash drawers
are left open.
A faulty vault.
No alarm system.
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe someday
you people'll learn.
Hey, Barn.
Barn, listen.
Hey, Barn, wait up.
All right,
I'll pay a half
but I think the sheriff's
department
ought to pay
the other half.
Okay.
Oh, I forgot
to tell you--
that door's still hot.
Did you pass the check?
Didn't even get
to the window.
I got a better idea, mort.
You been wanting to do
a bank job, haven't you?
Yeah.
Well, this is it.
The softest touch
I've ever seen.
Get in. I'll lay
it out for you.
Good morning.
Good morning, Leon.
No, thank you.
I just had breakfast.
Reach.
What on earth...?
Barney, Barney, Barney.
Won't you ever learn?
Just reach and shut up.
Barney, enough's enough.
Now, I have a bank to run.
Smart guy.
You're not Barney.
Never mind who I am.
Now, let's get to it.
Come on. Come on.
Good morning,
Harriet.
Don't "good morning"
me, sheriff.
That Barney Fife
is at it again.
What?
Another fake holdup.
I saw him plain as day
through the bank door
waving his gun
and wearing
a silly stocking
over his face.
All right, let's go.
All right, now move.
Keep 'em up,
keep 'em up.
All right, that's good,
right here.
Face the wall
with your hands up
and don't move
till you've counted a hundred.
Good morning, everybody.
Get over against the wall
with your friend.
That you in there,
Barn?
Better come over here, Asa.
That isn't Barney.
This is a real holdup.
All right,
get over there.
Oh, mercy. Mercy.
All right, Barney,
enough's enough.
Quit handling
Asa so rough.
He's a old man.
And take that silly-looking
stocking off your face.
Pull that shade down
and toss that gun
over here.
I've been trying
to tell you, Andy,
this isn't Barney.
All right,
get over here,
both of you.
Come on, move.
He broke my gun.
That's all right, Asa.
Go get the other gun.
Yes, sir.
I'll check
the getaway car.
Beat it, Howie!
Hold it!
You're covered!
All right, come on!
Back here.
Come on, move.
Come on.
Congratulations,
Barn. You got him.
Yeah, these
out-of-town smart alecks.
I'm throwing
the book at him.
Overtime parking.
Causing a nuisance.
No driver's license.
Bank robbery.
Bank robbery...
No registration certificate,
resisting arres...
Bank robbery?
Look, Mr. Butler, you're
a newspaper publisher, right?
Okay. You're
a well
you know a lot of facts.
You get 'em all straight,
right?
Okay,
now listen carefully.
It happens every time.
I tell you
every time it happens,
but you don't remember.
My name is Fife --
f-i-f-e.
For the third time now,
you've printed it fike --
f-i-k-e.
Okay.
Appreciate it.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
What'd he say?
"I'll get it right
next time, Howie."
Oh, hiya, Asa.
Hello, Andy.
Hi, Asa.
Hey, Barney,
look at this.
See there?
I got it fixed.
I went
to the hardware store
and got some screws
for the handle.
Good. Good.
Ain't they good-lookin' screws
in there?
Yeah, they look
just fine.
Show it to Andy.
See my new screws,
Andy?
Nice-lookin' screws, Asa.
Yeah. Genuine brass.
They won't rust
in case the gun gets wet.
For Pete's sake, Asa,
why would you ever
get your gun wet?
Well, sometimes I leave it
out on the front porch
and it gets rained on.
And sometimes
when I take a shower,
the room gets all steamy.
That could make it rust.
And look here, Barney.
Remember how you used to
hate my bullets
because they were all green
and moldy?
Look.
Oh, good.
That's good.
I polished it with Emery cloth
and laundry soap.
Compare it with yours.
See, Andy?
It's nice, Asa.
You and Barney got the most
beautiful bullets in town.
Really, Andy?
Sure.
Uh, Asa, let me
ask you something.
Are you off today?
No.
Well, is it some kind
of holiday or something?
No.
Why?
Well, nothin'.
I was just wondering who's
over there watching the bank.
Huh?
Oh, the bank.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
I'll see you, boys.
Asa, you forgot
your gun.
Well, some days are like that,
huh, Howie?
With Ronny Howard...
Also starring Don knotts.
Barn.
Andy.
Boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy.
When will people
ever learn?
When will they
ever learn?
What's the matter?
They're having themselves
a regular crime wave
over there
in Marshall county.
It's no wonder.
Huh?
Listen to this--
"a recent rash
of burglaries
"in this community
"has the local sheriff's office
greatly concerned.
"The sheriff attributes
most of the robberies
"to the lack of security
on the part of town merchants.
"Said sheriff Wilson, 'we would
have fewer robberies
if folks showed
less a-pathy.'"
apathy.
Right.
Well, my friend...
Today it's happening
over in Marshall county
and tomorrow it's us.
What do you mean?
Well, I'm surprised
we've been spared
this long, Andy.
Andy, this town
is a piece of cake.
A crook could come in here
and walk off with the place.
And why?
Because
there's no security.
And why is there
no security?
A-pathy.
Apathy.
Would you like me
to give you particulars?
If you want...
A: Earl Johnson
left his key in
the car all night.
Well, don't you
remember, Barn?
That key broke of in there
last spring.
He can't get it out.
All right. B:
No night-light on
in the office
of the Mayberry icehouse.
I know it.
What do you mean,
you know it?
The light keeps
the watchman awake.
That's "c."
Oh, Andy, everywhere
you look in this town
it's just carelessness
and indifference.
You sure are awful police
this morning.
What did you and Thelma Lou
do last night?
What's that got
to do with anything?
We gotta shape up here, chief.
"Chief"?
You never call me chief
unless, uh...
You went to the movies,
didn't you?
I think so.
What was playing?
I don't remember.
All I know is the situation
around here is desperate.
Uh...let's see...
Thursday, Friday
and Saturday
Glenn Ford in "g-men."
That's what
you saw, huh?
I don't remember.
That's what you saw.
Glenn Ford in "g-men."
Now you're gonna Glenn Ford it
all over town.
Try to control it,
will you, Barn?
I got to go out
and do
a little business.
I'll be back
after a while.
Well, where are
you going to be?
Come on, let's have
some organization.
Fill me in.
All right.
One: Take squad car
to filling station
and have lube.
Two: Walk block and a half
to drugstore.
Three: Eat lunch,
consisting of
a: Egg salad sandwich;
b: Hold lettuce
and tomato;
c: Coffee, black.
Oh, and, d: Have one of them
little yellow cookies.
You got the rundown,
Glenn?
Stick 'em up.
Oh, hiya, Barney.
All right, Asa,
on your feet.
This is a security check.
What?
On your feet.
Well, give me a hand,
will you, Barney?
I got the misery
in my back.
Now what's this
I can do for you?
I said this is
a security check.
Security check!
Oh, window number two.
Miss Harriet
will cash it.
No, Asa, I don't want
to cash a check.
I'm checking
the security
of this bank.
This place
is a pushover.
For a robbery, you mean?
Have you heard something?
Is there going
to be a robbery?
No, no, no.
But there could be.
This place
is just begging for it.
What are your official
countermeasures
in the event of a 10
seems to me I heard
someone else say that
in the last few days.
Now who was that?
Well, come on, who was it?
Maybe the bank's being cased.
Well, let's see...
Come on, think, Asa, think.
Nice-looking fella about 35,
dark hair...
A stranger?
No. I've seen him before.
Now wait a minute...
Well?
Glenn Ford-- that's who it was.
Did you see
that picture?
Wasn't he wonderful?
I ain't interested
in movies.
I'm interested in
your official countermeasures.
What would you do
in the event
of a holdup?
Well, uh...
First thing, I, uh...
I-I'd pull my gun.
All right, draw.
Uh, I should have
warned you, Barney.
You see, the flap holds
the handle on the gun.
I lost the screws
about four years ago.
I'll get over
to the hardware store
on of these days
and get some new ones.
The hardware store
is right down the street.
What are them green things
in your cartridge belt?
Bullets.
They're moldy.
Asa, let me show you what
a bullet ought to look like.
Now there's
bullet maintenance.
Oh, Barney, that's beautiful.
I've heard about
your bullet, Barney.
It's beautiful.
I like for things
to be nice and shiny.
One of these days
I'll bring over
my ball of tinfoil.
Hey, Barn?
I finished eating lunch.
You want to eat?
I'm so disgusted,
I don't feel like eating.
Come here.
Andy, these people
are making a fool
out of the word
"security".
The bank guard
is a joke.
Look at him.
Cash drawers
are left open.
The vault is open.
Barney, you're gettin'
all steamed up over this.
Why don't you just
take the rest
of the day off?
Go on over
to the drugstore
and have
a nice lunch.
The businessman's special
is a hollowed-out tomato
stuffed with avocado
and raisins.
It's good, too.
And top things off
with a lemon phosphate
and you're
right in business.
Take a walk
over to the grand--
watch them
change the marquee.
Well, you always
enjoy that.
You must take me
for the biggest idiot
on the American scene.
Now, Barn...
Why don't you come
right out and say it--
I'm a jerk.
Well, come on,
come on, say it.
J-e-r-k.
Jerk.
Slapping me
in the face
with this
businessman's special
and a lemon phosphate
and taking
a day off.
Andy, Barney.
Something
I can do for you?
Yeah. I'll give it to you
straight from the buttonhole
sheriff Taylor
not withstanding.
This bank is a cracker box
and a pushover.
I have given it
a complete
and thorough examination,
and I cannot see one--
not one, mind you--
acceptable countermeasure
in the event of a 10-12.
Barney, I think
you got hold of something there.
Come here.
Harriet, can you
come here a minute?
I want you
to hear something.
Go ahead, Barney.
Tell her
what you told me.
Well, I simply said that
after a thorough examination
I find this bank lacking
any countermeasures whatsoever
in the event of a 10-12.
Well?
Glenn Ford.
Of course.
Man:
That was great, Barney.
Now simmer down,
Barn.
Four years Asa's
been walkin' around
without any screws
in his gun.
Where's the
hardware store?
Right down the street
a whiff and
a whisker away.
Boy, oh, boy.
All right.
I'll go get screws
and put 'em
in Asa's gun.
What kind of
gun's Asa got?
Oh, one of them
old Teddy Roosevelt
horse pistols.
I remember it.
My daddy got Asa
to show it to me
when I was a boy.
He let me put it in my belt.
Boy, it was heavy.
I remember
it slipped through
and tore the buckle
off my knickers and everything.
What's the action here?
Why are we stoppin'
at Mrs. Kelsey's?
Mrs. Kelsey had
to go to mt. Pilot.
Oh, we're going
to check the locks, huh?
Uh, no, we're going
to take in her laundry.
What?!
She asked
in very nice way
and I said we would.
Now come on, Barn.
The back
screen door's open.
Just leave it
on the service porch.
Andy, I'm a deputy sheriff.
You're also a servant
of the people.
Now come on, Barn.
Fine work for a highly trained,
skilled officer of the law.
Hey, Barn,
don't get hurt.
What?
Them clothespins
got awful strong Springs.
Well, hello, Leon.
Mrs. Kelsey's away.
I'm just taking down
her clothes.
Don't never be
a police officer, Leon.
Not in this town, anyways.
You know what a police officer
is in this town?
A laundry boy.
No, thanks, Leon.
Well, I hope
when you grow up
you move to a town
that has a better bank.
That bank is in
such a sorry state.
I'd like to see them
get held up just once--
just once, just to scare
the heck out of them.
That's all.
Just once.
I'd like to find
some way to show them
what kind of an easy Mark
they are.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Don't you say nothin'
about this, Leon.
May I help you, ma'am?
I'm Mrs. Magruder's
cousin.
I'm here to clean
for her.
Where's Mrs. Magruder?
She's sick.
What's wrong with her?
Uh...
Fungus of the knee.
* you're as welcome
as the flowers in may *
* to dear old donegal
* mm, to dear
old donegal *
Mr. Meldrin.
What is it, Harriet?
Come down here
a minute.
Look at that
old woman.
Mrs. Magruder?
It's not
Mrs. Magruder.
It's supposed to be
Mrs. Magruder's cousin,
but it isn't.
Take a good look.
Barney Fife?
Oh, this is incredible.
I think we offended
him this morning.
He's trying to teach
us a lesson.
Watch this.
Stop, thief!
Oh, my heavens!
It's locked,
and it won't open again
till 8:00
tomorrow morning.
He'll smother
in there.
Thank goodness
he doesn't sound
like he's hurt.
Asa! Asa!
Hmm?
Time to go home?
No. Deputy Fife
is locked in the vault.
Run over to the filling station
and tell them we need
an acetylene torch.
Harriet, get
sheriff Taylor.
All right.
Oh, that stupid deputy.
Hey, Barn!
You all right?
Hurry up, gomer--
he don't answer.
This stuff's thick.
It ain't like cuttin'
through a mashed Fender.
I sure hope
he's all right.
Hi, Mrs. Rodenbach.
Hi, Barney.
Got a case?
What's the matter?
Haven't you ever seen
a man take off a dress before?
Oh, that fool,
that fool.
Why did he do this?
He thought he was doing it
for your own good.
Barney:
Right.
Barney, you're all right.
I'm fine.
Doggone you, we thought
you was in that vault.
I was.
I crashed through
the back wall
into the beauty shop.
If that don't prove
what a crackerbox bank you got,
I don't know what does.
You've done nothing
but cause trouble.
You had us all
worried sick.
Well, worried or not,
have I made my point
or haven't I?
I bet there ain't a bank
in the whole world
that has less security
than the Mayberry security bank.
The guard's
always asleep.
The cash drawers
are left open.
A faulty vault.
No alarm system.
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe someday
you people'll learn.
Hey, Barn.
Barn, listen.
Hey, Barn, wait up.
All right,
I'll pay a half
but I think the sheriff's
department
ought to pay
the other half.
Okay.
Oh, I forgot
to tell you--
that door's still hot.
Did you pass the check?
Didn't even get
to the window.
I got a better idea, mort.
You been wanting to do
a bank job, haven't you?
Yeah.
Well, this is it.
The softest touch
I've ever seen.
Get in. I'll lay
it out for you.
Good morning.
Good morning, Leon.
No, thank you.
I just had breakfast.
Reach.
What on earth...?
Barney, Barney, Barney.
Won't you ever learn?
Just reach and shut up.
Barney, enough's enough.
Now, I have a bank to run.
Smart guy.
You're not Barney.
Never mind who I am.
Now, let's get to it.
Come on. Come on.
Good morning,
Harriet.
Don't "good morning"
me, sheriff.
That Barney Fife
is at it again.
What?
Another fake holdup.
I saw him plain as day
through the bank door
waving his gun
and wearing
a silly stocking
over his face.
All right, let's go.
All right, now move.
Keep 'em up,
keep 'em up.
All right, that's good,
right here.
Face the wall
with your hands up
and don't move
till you've counted a hundred.
Good morning, everybody.
Get over against the wall
with your friend.
That you in there,
Barn?
Better come over here, Asa.
That isn't Barney.
This is a real holdup.
All right,
get over there.
Oh, mercy. Mercy.
All right, Barney,
enough's enough.
Quit handling
Asa so rough.
He's a old man.
And take that silly-looking
stocking off your face.
Pull that shade down
and toss that gun
over here.
I've been trying
to tell you, Andy,
this isn't Barney.
All right,
get over here,
both of you.
Come on, move.
He broke my gun.
That's all right, Asa.
Go get the other gun.
Yes, sir.
I'll check
the getaway car.
Beat it, Howie!
Hold it!
You're covered!
All right, come on!
Back here.
Come on, move.
Come on.
Congratulations,
Barn. You got him.
Yeah, these
out-of-town smart alecks.
I'm throwing
the book at him.
Overtime parking.
Causing a nuisance.
No driver's license.
Bank robbery.
Bank robbery...
No registration certificate,
resisting arres...
Bank robbery?
Look, Mr. Butler, you're
a newspaper publisher, right?
Okay. You're
a well
you know a lot of facts.
You get 'em all straight,
right?
Okay,
now listen carefully.
It happens every time.
I tell you
every time it happens,
but you don't remember.
My name is Fife --
f-i-f-e.
For the third time now,
you've printed it fike --
f-i-k-e.
Okay.
Appreciate it.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
What'd he say?
"I'll get it right
next time, Howie."
Oh, hiya, Asa.
Hello, Andy.
Hi, Asa.
Hey, Barney,
look at this.
See there?
I got it fixed.
I went
to the hardware store
and got some screws
for the handle.
Good. Good.
Ain't they good-lookin' screws
in there?
Yeah, they look
just fine.
Show it to Andy.
See my new screws,
Andy?
Nice-lookin' screws, Asa.
Yeah. Genuine brass.
They won't rust
in case the gun gets wet.
For Pete's sake, Asa,
why would you ever
get your gun wet?
Well, sometimes I leave it
out on the front porch
and it gets rained on.
And sometimes
when I take a shower,
the room gets all steamy.
That could make it rust.
And look here, Barney.
Remember how you used to
hate my bullets
because they were all green
and moldy?
Look.
Oh, good.
That's good.
I polished it with Emery cloth
and laundry soap.
Compare it with yours.
See, Andy?
It's nice, Asa.
You and Barney got the most
beautiful bullets in town.
Really, Andy?
Sure.
Uh, Asa, let me
ask you something.
Are you off today?
No.
Well, is it some kind
of holiday or something?
No.
Why?
Well, nothin'.
I was just wondering who's
over there watching the bank.
Huh?
Oh, the bank.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
I'll see you, boys.
Asa, you forgot
your gun.
Well, some days are like that,
huh, Howie?