The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 2, Episode 22 - The Merchant of Mayberry - full transcript
When door to door salesman Bert Miller returns to Mayberry, Barney and Andy decide to help him out a little. If truth be told, Bert likes selling but is always hesitant to push his goods on anyone, so soft sell is the only way he knows to do business. They set him up in a vacant lot and soon has several customers but it also raises the ire of crotchety old department store owner Ben Weaver who cites municipal ordinances against selling on the street. Andy decides to have a little fun with old Ben and eventually, Bert has a booth to sell out of. When old Ben decides to run Bert out of business by lowering his prices, Andy comes up with an even better way of helping Bert out.
I WOULDN'T THINK
OF DISTURBING HIM.
OH, AUNT BEE,
HAVE YOU GOT
ANY LIPSTICK
IN YOUR PURSE?
YES, WHY?
OH, COULD I
BORROW IT?
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
WANT IT FOR?
OH, NOTHING,
JUST LET ME BORROW IT.
TSK.
HEY, BARNEY, BARNEY,
BARNEY, BARNEY.
HUH, WHAT, WHAT?
I BELIEVE JOE WATERS
HAS GOT HIS TRUCK PARKED
A LITTLE TOO CLOSE
TO THAT FIRE HYDRANT.
ARE YOU GOING TO
TELL HIM TO MOVE?
OH, YEAH, YEAH,
I'LL TELL HIM.
HEY, JOE.
YOU GOT YOUR TRUCK RIGHT
HERE TO THAT FIRE HYDRANT.
MOVE IT OUT OF HERE.
SURE, BARNEY, SURE.
[ LAUGHING ]
HEY, BARNEY!
MWAH!
[ LAUGHING ]
WHAT'S WITH
THAT JOE WATERS?
WHY?
HE JUST THREW ME
A KISS.
WELL, I DON'T BLAME HIM,
BARNEY --
WITH THAT LIPSTICK
ALL OVER YOUR FACE,
YOU DO LOOK
KIND OF SWEET.
OH, BOY, YOU'RE JUST
FULL OF FUN TODAY,
AREN'T YOU?
WHY DON'T WE GO UP
TO THE OLD PEOPLE'S HOME
AND WAX THE STEPS?
[ LAUGHING ]
WELL, I'LL BE DOGGED.
HOWDY, BERT!
HI, ANDY.
BERT, I AIN'T SEEN YOU
IN A WHILE.
HOW YOU BEEN?
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW,
I'M MIDDLIN', MIDDLIN.
YEAH, MY FEET HAVE BEEN
TROUBLING ME A LOT LATELY
AND I GOT THE BURSITIS
IN MY SHOULDER
FROM CARRYING
THAT SUITCASE AROUND.
GOT SO I CAN'T STAND
THE SOUND OF THEM DOORBELLS.
BUT I'M MIDDLIN',
MIDDLIN'.
THAT'S A GOOD WAY
TO BE, MIDDLIN'.
YOU KNOW, ANDY --
HI, BERT! HOW ARE YOU?
MIDDLIN'.
HE'S MIDDLIN'.
HE'S MIDDLIN'.
WHAT ARE YOU SELLING,
THESE DAYS, BERT,
ANYTHING?
OH, THIS AND THAT.
LIKE WHAT?
WELL, FIRST, ONE THING,
THEN ANOTHER.
WELL, WHAT'S
IN THE SUITCASE?
DIFFERENT THINGS.
FOR PETE'S SAKE, BERT,
OPEN IT UP!
WE MIGHT BUY SOMETHING
OFF OF YOU.
OH, YOU PROBABLY DON'T
NEED NOTHING, NO WAY,
AND I DON'T WANT
TO APPEAR PUSHY.
NOBODY WILL EVER ACCUSE
YOU OF THAT, BERT.
NOW, WHAT'S
IN THE SUITCASE?
SHOW US.
OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT.
AH! SEE?
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN ABOUT
THAT BURSITIS IN MY SHOULDER.
TELLING ANDY -- FROM
LIFTING THIS SUITCASE.
SHAME.
MY FEET BEEN TROUBLING ME
A LOT LATELY, TOO.
TELL HIM ABOUT
THE DOORBELLS, BERT.
RINGING THOSE DOORBELLS,
DRIVING ME CRAZY.
WELL, JUST LIKE
I TOLD YOU, FELLAS --
A LITTLE BIT OF THIS
AND A LITTLE BIT OF THAT
AND THE NEXT THING,
AND THAT'S ABOUT THE WHILE
KIT 'N' KABOODLE.
WELL, LET US LOOK
IN THERE ONE TIME, BERT.
YOU GOT
ANY RAZOR BLADES?
RAZOR BLADES?
YEAH. WHY?
WELL, I'D LIKE
TO BUY SOME.
ARE YOU SURE? I MEAN, DON'T BUY
THEM UNLESS'N YOU NEED THEM.
I'M SURE, I'M SURE.
WELL, NOW, LOOK, ANDY,
IF IT'S A SHAVE YOU WANT,
I'LL LEND YOU MY RAZOR.
NO, BERT.
WELL, IT DON'T LOOK TO ME
LIKE YOU NEED A SHAVE.
BERT, I'D LIKE
TO GET SOME BLADES.
WELL, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
JUST DON'T WANT
TO PUSH MYSELF ON YOU.
YOU GOT ANY SOCKS, BERT?
SOCKS?
SIZE 10 1/2.
YEAH, BUT I'M GOING TO
GIVE YOU A SIZE 11.
THEY'RE JUST AS CHEAP AND THEY
WEAR A LITTLE BIT LONGER.
IT COULD BE
YOU'RE STILL GROWING.
[ LAUGHS ]
THAT'S GOOD, BERT.
YEAH, I HEARD THAT
FROM A FELLER IN RALEIGH.
WELL, HELLO,
THERE, BERT.
OH.
OH, HI, AUNT BEE.
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN BY
OUR HOUSE LATELY.
WELL, NO, MA'AM --
I WAS TELLING
THE FELLAS HERE, I HAVE
TROUBLE WITH MY FEET LATELY.
TELL HER ABOUT
YOUR BURSITIS.
YEAH, AND THE DOORBELLS
BOTHER HIM, TOO.
THOSE DOORBELLS
ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
OH, WELL, I'M SORRY.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
IN YOUR SUITCASE?
FIRST, ONE THING,
AND THEN ANOTHER.
WHAT ABOUT
DIFFERENT THINGS?
I FORGOT. AND A WHOLE LOT
OF THIS 'N' THAT.
OH,I DON'T KNOW,
I THINK AUNT BEE
WOULD LIKE
ONE THING AND ANOTHER.
HARD TO TELL -- EITHER
THAT OR DIFFERENT THINGS.
YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
NOW, LOOK HERE,
AUNT BEE, IT'S EITHER
GOING TO BE SOCKS,
RAZOR BLADES,
OR FIRST, ONE THING,
AND THEN ANOTHER.
NOW, WE AIN'T GOT TIME
TO STAND AROUND HERE
WHILE YOU MAKE UP
YOUR MIND -- WE'RE BUSY.
I WANT AN APRON.
YOU WANT AN APRON,
YOU GET AN APRON.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS
SPEAK UP.
WHERE ARE THEY?
UNDER THE SPOONS.
THERE'S YOUR APRON.
AND HERE'S A PAIR OF SOCKS.
SOCKS? WHAT DOES SHE
WANT WITH SOCKS?
SHE'S GOT SOME
REAL LONG GARTERS.
OH, STOP IT!
87 CENTS.
WELL, YOU PAY FOR IT,
ANDY.
YOU SEE TO IT THAT YOU
COME BY OUR HOUSE.
BYE, BOYS!
BYE, AUNT BEE.
OOH! WATCH THE HAT.
DON'T WANT TO SQUASH
THE HAT.
NO, WITH THE BURSITIS
AND THE SORE FEET,
WE DON'T WANT TO GIVE HIM
A HEAD COLD.
Ben: IS THAT ALL THE HIGH
SHERIFF GOT TO DO, JUST SET?
WELL, HOWDY, BEN. IS THERE
SOMETHING I OUGHT TO BE DOING?
YEAH, YOU OUGHT TO BE TENDING
TO YOUR JOB, IS WHAT.
HUH?
COME ON OVER HERE.
YOU KNOW THEY
DON'T ALLOW PEDDLING
ON THE STREETS OF MAYBERRY,
WHY DON'T YOU STOP HIM?
BERT? OH, HE AIN'T
REALLY PEDDLING.
WELL, IT SURE
LOOKS LIKE IT TO ME.
WHAT IF HE IS, BEN?
NOW, LOOK,
I'M A LEGITIMATE,
TAXPAYING MERCHANT
AND I SAY
GET HIM OFF THE STREET.
OH, HE'LL BE MOVING
ALONG PRETTY SOON.
ANYTHING ELSE?
NO, THERE'S NOTHING MORE.
JUST STOP HIM SELLING
ON THE STREET.
IF YOU WANT TO KEEP ON
BEING SHERIFF,
GET HIM OFF THE STREET.
WELL, OF ALL THE GALL!
WHY'D YOU LET HIM TALK
TO YOU LIKE THAT, ANDY?
I SURE WOULDN'T.
YOU WOULDN'T?
NO. YOU KNOW WHAT
I WOULD'VE SAID,
IF HE'D HAVE JUMPED
ON ME LIKE THAT?
WHAT?
I WOULD'VE SAID, "WHO DIED
AND LEFT YOU THE BOSS?
"WHY DON'T YOU GO SET
IN THE GROCERY STORE,
SO WE CAN ALL KNOW
YOU'RE THE BIG CHEESE?"
[ LAUGHS ]
"KNOW YOU'RE THE BIG
CHEESE," HUH?
THAT'S GOOD.
HEY, UH --
HEY, BARN?
WE AIN'T GOT MUCH TO DO,
RIGHT HERE IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE WEEK, HAVE WE?
NO.
WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN?
HOW?
LET'S PICK AT OLD BEN
A LITTLE BIT.
HE SAYS HE DON'T WANT
BERT SELLING ON THE STREET.
LET'S MOVE THAT BENCH
OVER HERE
IN THE VACANT LOT AND PUT
BERT'S SUITCASE ON IT
AND SET HIM UP A LITTLE
TEMPORARY STORE, HUH?
YEAH, LET'S DO THAT.
HEY, BERT? SAY, YOUR
FEET BEEN BOTHERING YOU?
AND YOUR SHOULDERS
ARE HURTING YOU.
AND THE DOORBELLS
BOTHER YOU.
OH, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T
STAND THEM DOORBELLS.
WELL, I BELIEVE
WE GOT A CURE FOR THAT.
HUH?
WHY DON'T YOU MOVE
YOUR SUITCASE OVER HERE
TO CROWLEY'S VACANT LOT AND SET
YOU UP A LITTLE TEMPORARY STORE?
OH, NO,
I COULDN'T DO THAT.
Andy: WELL, WHY NOT?
WELL, FOLKS MIGHT GET
THE IDEA I WAS BEING PUSHY.
WHY WOULD THEY
DO THAT?
ALL YOU'D BE DOING WOULD BE
SETTIN' AND SELLIN'.
NO WALKING,
NO CARRYING THE SUITCASE,
NO RINGING DOORBELLS --
DON'T THAT SOUND GOOD?
YEAH, IT DOES.
WELL, DO IT, THEN!
WELL, NOW, ARE YOU SURE
THAT THEY WON'T SUSPECT
I WAS BEING PUSHY?
I'M SURE.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING I HATE,
IT'S A PUSHY SALESMAN.
I KNOW. COME ON.
GET THE END THERE.
OKAY, GOT IT?
* YOU GET A LINE AND I'LL GET
A POLE, MY HONEY *
* YOU GET A LINE AND I'LL
GET A POLE, MY BABE *
* YOU GET A LINE
AND I'LL GET A POLE *
* AND WE'LL GO DOWN
TO THE CRAWDAD HOLE *
* HONEY, BABY, MINE
* WHAT YOU GONNA DO WHEN
THE WELL RUNS DRY, MY HONEY? *
* WHAT YOU GONNA DO WHEN
THE WELL RUNS DRY, MY BABE? *
* WHAT YOU GONNA DO
WHEN THE WELL RUNS DRY *
* SET ON THE BANK
AND CRY, CRY, CRY *
* HONEY, BABY, MINE? *
YEAH, YEAH?
ANDY, HERE COMES BEN.
I THINK WE GOT TO HIM.
OH, GOOD. HEY,
LET'S BE SINGING.
"SUNSHINE."
* SPREAD A LITTLE SUNSHINE
EVERY DAY *
* SPREAD A LITTLE
SUNSHINE EVERY DAY *
* HELP SOMEONE ALONG --
SHERIFF, I WANT --
WAIT.
* HELP SOMEONE
ALONG LIFE'S WAY *
* SPREAD A LITTLE SUNSHINE
EVERY DAY **
AIN'T THAT PURDY?
I DIDN'T COME HERE
FOR A CONCERT.
I COME HERE WITH
A COMPLAINT, SHERIFF.
WELL, WHAT
WOULD THAT BE, BEN?
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT THAT
DRUMMER PEDDLING IN THE STREET.
OH, BERT? OH, BERT AIN'T
ON THE STREET.
HE'S ON CROWLEY'S VACANT LOT --
I'D SAY THAT'S A GOOD
7, 8 FEET OFF THE STREET,
WOULDN'T YOU, BARN?
OH, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
BESIDES, THE LAW SAYS
THAT A BUSINESS ESTABLISHMENT
IS NOT A BUSINESS
UNLESS IT'S GOT A ROOF OVER.
NOW, WHAT BERT MILLER'S DOING
IS AGAINST THE LAW.
HE'S PEDDLING IN THE STREET.
NOW, YOU DO SOMETHING
ABOUT IT!
NOW, BEN, YOU'RE GETTING
YOURSELF ALL WORKED UP
OVER NOTHING -- NOW,
JUST LISTEN TO THIS SONG.
LIKE THEY SAY,
"MUSIC HATH CHARMS
TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE BEAST."
* HELP SOMEONE
ALONG LIFE'S WAY *
* SPREAD A LITTLE SUNSHINE
EVERY DAY *
AIN'T THAT PRETTY?
AHH!
WE GOT HIM GOING GOOD.
HEY, YOU KNOW,
BEN'S RIGHT, THOUGH.
YOU MEAN ABOUT GETTING
BERT OFF THE STREET?
NO, ABOUT A ROOF --
A BUSINESS ESTABLISHMENT
AIN'T A BUSINESS
UNLESS IT'S GOT A ROOF.
YOU GOT AN IDEA?
YEAH, AND IT'LL MAKE BEN
SO HAPPY. COME ON.
SHERIFF!
OH, HOWDY, BEN.
WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE
ABOUT TO HAVE A SPELL.
YOU THINK YOU'RE PRETTY SMART,
DON'T YOU, SHERIFF?
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, BEN?
YOU KNOW DOGGONE WELL
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
BERT MILLER,
SELLING ON THE STREET.
HE'S STILL AT IT!
BEN, YOU SAID A BUSINESS
AIN'T A BUSINESS
UNLESS IT'S GOT A ROOF
ON IT.
WELL, HE'S GOT ONE.
I'D SAY THAT'S A ROOF.
WOULDN'T YOU, BARNEY?
WELL, YEAH,
I'D SAY THAT.
I DIDN'T ASK YOU!
NOW, BEN,
IF THAT'S A ROOF,
THE MAN'S GOT
A LEGITIMATE BUSINESS.
I'LL SEE YOU.
YEAH, BUT --
NOW, LOOK HERE,
SHERIFF --
THAT IS NOT
A LEGITIMATE ROOF.
JUST A MINUTE,
SHERIFF.
OH, HOWDY, BEN.
YOU LOOKING FOR US?
BY "ROOF," I MEAN
A PROPER STRUCTURE.
A BENCH AND AN UMBRELLA
IS NOT A PROPER STRUCTURE.
WELL, I'D SAY A BENCH
AND UMBRELLA
IS A PROPER STRUCTURE,
WOULDN'T YOU, BARN?
IT CERTAINLY LOOKS
TO ME --
I AM TALKING
TO THE SHERIFF.
NOW, LOOK HERE, SHERIFF,
I'VE BEEN RUNNING A STORE
IN THIS TOWN
FOR GOING ON 25 YEARS
AND I AIN'T ABOUT TO LET
ANY FLY-BY-NIGHT PEDDLER
TAKE THE PLAY AWAY FROM
THAT STORE, YOU UNDERSTAND?
NOW, BEN, YOU DON'T
HONESTLY BELIEVE
THAT BERT MILLER IS
ANY COMPETITION TO YOU?
ALL HE'S SELLING --
I'M TALKING
TO THE SHERIFF!
HEY, YOU SEEM TO BE
MIGHTY INTERESTED
IN TRYING TO HELP
THIS FELLOW OUT -- WHY?
WELL, BECAUSE OF A SAYING
YOU MIGHT'VE HEARD OF, BEN --
"LIVE AND LET LIVE."
NOW, THE MAN IS JUST TRYING
TO MAKE AN HONEST LIVING
AND HE AIN'T TAKING NARY
A BIT OF BUSINESS AWAY
FROM YOU,
AND YOU KNOW IT.
THAT'S CERTAINLY THE WAY
I FEEL ABOUT THE WHOLE --
YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!
JUST THE SAME, I'M TELLING YOU,
FOR THE LAST TIME --
YOU GET THAT MAN
OFF THE STREET! YOU HEAR?
I'M GIVING YOU A WARNING!
I WANT IT STOPPED.
AND YOU BETTER SEE TO IT
BECAUSE I CAN GET IT DONE
AND YOU KNOW IT.
[ DOOR OPENS
AND CLOSES ]
[ LAUGHING ]
YOU REALLY WANT
TO GET BEN GOING?
YEAH. HOW?
LET'S BUILD HIM
A STRUCTURE.
I KNOW WHERE WE
CAN GET SOME LUMBER
AND I'LL CALL RALEIGH
AND GET SOME MERCHANDISE
SENT DOWN
ON CONSIGNMENT.
OH, WE'LL BUILD BERT ONE
OUTSTANDING SELLING PLACE.
WE'LL BUILD HIM
A SELLING PLACE
THAT LOOKS LIKE A SELLING
PLACE, HUH?
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
YOU DON'T THINK I'M GETTING
TOO PUSHY, DO YOU?
IF THERE'S ONE THING I CAN'T
STAND, IT'S A PUSHY SHERIFF.
YOU CHARACTER.
COME ON.
THAT OUGHT TO
MAKE BEN HAPPY.
HE SAID HE NEEDED
A PROPER STRUCTURE.
BERT'S GOT A PROPER
STRUCTURE.
OH, HI, THERE, MISS PALMER.
HOW'S DOUG?
OH, HE'S FINE,
BERT, FINE.
THIS IS A REAL NICE
SCARF, BERT -- HOW MUCH?
WELL, I TELL YOU,
MRS. PALMER, I'D BE
RIGHT GLAD TO SELL IT TO YOU
IF YOU THINK YOU NEED IT.
OF COURSE I NEED IT.
WELL, I MEAN, I DON'T WANT
TO FORCE NOTHING ON YOU,
YOU KNOW -- IF YOU THINK
YOU REALLY NEED IT --
I NEED IT.
YEAH.
AND REALLY LIKE IT.
I LIKE IT.
I LOVE IT, BERT.
YEAH, WELL,
IF YOU GET IT HOME
AND START HATING IT,
YOU BRING IT BACK,
YOU HEAR?
I WILL.
YOU DO THAT.
I DON'T CARE FOR IT
MUCH, MYSELF.
I'LL GET YOU
A FANCY BOX.
WELL, HOWDY, BERT.
HOWDY, MRS. MASON.
HOW'S IT GOING?
OH, EVERYTHING'S GOING
FINE, ANDY, JUST FINE.
THANKS TO YOU.
OH, DON'T YOU
MENTION IT.
I TELL YOU, IT BEATS
TRAMPING AROUND,
LUGGING A SUITCASE
AND RINGING THEM DOORBELLS.
GOOD.
YEAH, OH,
THIS IS ALL RIGHT.
I WANT THESE CUPS,
BERT -- HOW MUCH?
SIX OF THEM?
UH-HUH.
HOW MUCH ARE THEY?
OH, YOU DON'T NEED
SIX OF THEM.
OH, YES, I DO.
I CAN USE THEM.
ALL SIX OF THEM?
WELL, THE CHILDREN
KEEP BREAKING THEM.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THREE OF THEM
AND A TUBE OF GLUE?
DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU
THAT THAT BERT
AIN'T EXACTLY WHAT YOU MIGHT
CALL A CRACKERJACK SALESMAN?
YEAH. IT DON'T
MATTER, THOUGH.
FOLKS WILL BUY FROM BERT
BECAUSE THEY LIKE HIM.
THAT'S AS GOOD AS BEING
A CRACKERJACK, AIN'T IT?
YEAH.
I WANT ALL SIX.
WELL, ALL RIGHT --
I JUST DON'T WANT
TO PUSH NOTHING
ON NOBODY.
EXCUSE ME.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HERE HE COMES.
HERE HE COMES.
WHAT IS THIS?!
WHAT IS --
WHAT IS THIS?!
WELL, BEN, WHAT IN THE WORLD
ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT NOW?
YOU SAID THE MAN NEEDED
A ROOF, HE GOT A ROOF.
YOU SAID HE NEEDED
A PROPER STRUCTURE,
HE'S GOT HISSELF A PROPER
STRUCTURE.
WHAT ELSE, BEN?
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
I TRIED TO GET YOU
TO STOP HIM,
I GAVE YOU
THE PROPER REASONS
AND I TRIED T BE
NICE ABOUT IT --
OH, YOU'VE BEEN NICE.
YOU'VE BEEN NICE.
HASN'T HE BEEN NICE,
BARNEY?
OH, HE'S BEEN
A REAL SWEETHEART.
HE SURE HAS.
WOULD YOU SAY
HE WAS NICER
ABOUT THE STAND
THAN THE UMBRELLA
OR WAS HE NICER ABOUT
THE UMBRELLA THAN THE STAND?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I'D SAY HE WAS NICER
ABOUT THE STAND.
BECAUSE IT'S BIGGER.
BEN, YOU KNOW YOU'RE SMART,
YOU'RE SMART
TO MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE
THAT YOU'RE A SKINFLINT
AND A MEAN, OLD TIGHTWAD.
BECAUSE IF THEY EVER
FOUND OUT
HOW SWEET AND KIND
YOU REALLY ARE,
THEY'D TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF YOU.
YOU'LL BE SORRY.
[ Chewing ]
HI, PA.
OH, HI, OPE.
YOU SURE ARE UPTOWN LATE.
HOW COME?
I'VE BEEN OVER
AT WEAVER'S, SHOPPING.
WHAT, AT WHERE?
AT WEAVER'S.
WELL, I GOT
TWO QUESTIONS.
NOW, THAT'S
THE SECOND ONE FIRST.
WHAT'D YOU USE
FOR MONEY?
I DIDN'T NEED ANY MONEY.
HE'S GIVING STUFF AWAY.
THAT TAKES CARE OF
MY FIRST QUESTION, TOO.
NOW, WHAT'S THIS ABOUT WEAVER
GIVING STUFF AWAY?
IT AIN'T JUST STUFF, PA.
IT'S VALUABLE.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
SEE? BALLOONS.
AND GUM.
EVERY KID IN TOWN'S
OVER THERE.
MR. WEAVER'S SURE DOING
A LOT OF BUSINESS.
WITH YOUNG'UNS?
MNH-MNH,
WITH THEIR FOLKS.
HE'S GIVING STUFF
TO THEIR FOLKS?
NOT EXACTLY,
BUT I HEARD THEM SAY
MR. WEAVER SURE IS
SELLING THINGS CHEAP.
SELLING THINGS CHEAP,
HUH?
DID YOU NOTICE
IF ANYBODY WAS
OVER AT
BERT MILLER'S STAND?
I COULDN'T SAY
I'M SURE.
NEVER MIND.
I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
HOWDY, BERT.
OH, HI, ANDY. THINGS ARE
A LITTLE QUIET TODAY.
YEAH, I EXPECT SO.
YEAH, WELL, FOLKS BOUGHT
A LOT OF STUFF YESTERDAY.
OUGHT TO LAST THEM
FOR A GOOD LONG WHILE.
THAT'S WHY I FIGURE
IT'S KIND OF SLOW TODAY.
DON'T YOU RECKON?
WELL, BERT,
THE FACT IS,
YOU'RE BEING SQUEEZED
OUT OF BUSINESS.
WHAT, ANDY?
BEN WEAVER IS SELLING STUFF
A WHOLE LOT CHEAPER
OVER AT HIS STORE
THAN YOU CAN,
SO FOLKS ARE BUYING
FROM HIM.
OH.
[ SIGH ]
UH -- BERT, UH --
MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU OUGHT TO KNOW.
SEE, THIS --
THIS WHOLE THING STARTED
AS A JOKE.
I WAS TRYING TO IRRITATE
BEN A LITTLE BIT
AND, WELL, I GUESS
IT GOT OUT OF HAND.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
OH, GEE, THAT'S
ALL RIGHT, ANDY.
IT DON'T MATTER AT ALL,
SEE, I NEVER EXPECTED
TO STAY IN THIS SPOT
TOO LONG, NO HOW,
JUST LONG ENOUGH TO KIND OF
REST MY FEET FOR A WHILE,
GET OVER THE BURSITIS
IN MY SHOULDER,
AND, YOU KNOW,
GET AWAY FROM
THEM RINGING DOORBELLS
FOR A WHILE.
AHEM, WELL, WE --
WE DID GET ONE THING
DONE, THOUGH.
WE GOT OLD BEN WEAVER
TO SELL THINGS
A LITTLE BIT CHEAPER.
WE DID THAT.
[ LAUGHING ]
WELL, I'LL GET
JIM STEVENS.
HE RUNS THE DEPARTMENT STORE
OVER AT MOUNT PILOT
AND HE OWES ME A FAVOR.
I'LL GET HIM TO LOAN ME ONE
OF HIS TRUCKS
AND WE'LL GET THIS STUFF
BACK TO RALEIGH.
OH, YEAH, ANDY,
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA,
GET THE TRUCKS, SEE,
AND I'LL GET THIS STUFF
ALL PACKED UP HERE,
HUH?
YEAH, YEAH.
MEAN OLD BUZZARD.
WHAT DID IT HURT HIM,
HAVING BERT RUN
HIS LITTLE OLD
STAND THERE?
WELL, WE'VE BEEN
ALL THROUGH THAT.
UH-OH, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE
GOING TO HAVE COMPANY.
HERE COMES BEN.
HE PROBABLY WANTS
TO CROW A LITTLE.
WHAT THIS STEVENS TRUCK
DOING HERE?
WELL, BEN,
IF YOU HAVE TO KNOW --
JIM STEVENS HAS JUST BEEN
ITCHING TO OPEN A STORE
IN MAYBERRY --
NOW WHAT'S GOING ON, ANDY?
WELL --
DID STEVENS MAKE SOME KIND
OF A DEAL WITH BERT?
IT AIN'T FAIR, ANDY.
IT JUST AIN'T FAIR!
WHAT?
I DIDN'T THINK
YOU'D GO THIS FAR, ANDY.
I'VE BEEN IN BUSINESS HERE
IN MAYBERRY FOR 25 YEARS.
NOW, YOU'RE LETTING
AN OUTSIDER IN.
NO, MR. WEAVER!
BEN, WE DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WAS THAT INTERESTED.
COME ON, BARNEY,
WE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
LET'S GET THIS
SHIPMENT UNLOADED.
ANDY, WE JUST --
LET'S GET THE SHIPMENT
UNLOADED.
OH. OH, YEAH!
YEAH,
LET'S GET IT UNLOADED.
NOW, LOOK HERE --
ARE YOU JUST
GOING TO STAND BY
AND LET STEVENS GET
A TOEHOLD ON MAYBERRY?
WAIT A MINUTE,
WHERE'S YOUR LOYALTY
TO THE CITIZENS
OF YOUR OWN HOMETOWN?
WELL, BEN, YOU SHOULD'VE
SAID SOMETHING.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WANTED
TO BUILD ANOTHER STORE HERE.
I DON'T WANT TO START
ANOTHER STORE HERE.
I JUST DON'T WANT
STEVENS IN.
NOW, YOU CAN DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.
WELL, YEAH,
I GUESS I COULD,
BUT WHAT HAPPENS
TO BERT?
WELL, IF STEVENS
CAN SET HIM UP,
I RECKON I CAN, TOO.
HE CAN GO TO WORK
IN MY STORE.
WELL, I'LL HAVE TO
ASK HIM.
BERT, HOW'D YOU LIKE TO GO
TO WORK FOR BEN WEAVER?
WHAT?
NO MORE WALKING,
NO CARRYING A SUITCASE,
NO RINGING DOORBELLS,
JUST A NICE JOB IN A STORE.
YOU SAID YOU LIKED IT.
YEAH. WELL, IT SOUNDS
FINE AND ALL AND --
WELL, YEAH, I'D BE GLAD TO,
IF YOU THINK HE NEEDS ME.
I MEAN, IF HE REALLY
NEEDS ME.
OH, JUST A MINUTE.
UH --
HE SAID THAT HE MIGHT GO
TO WORK FOR YOU,
BUT HE IS WONDERING
SOMETHING --
HE IS WONDERING
WHO NEEDED HIM MORE,
STEVENS OR...?
OH, FOR --
I'LL PAY HIM AS MUCH
AS STEVENS WOULD GIVE HIM,
AND MORE THAN THAT.
JUST A MINUTE.
HE NEEDS YOU, BERT.
HE NEEDS YOU.
OH! THAT'S FINE --
I CAN START ANYTIME,
AS SOON AS I GET
THIS MERCHANDISE RETURNED
AND KIND OF CLEAN UP
AROUND HERE A LITTLE.
UH, WAIT.
WAIT JUST A MINUTE.
UH, HE'LL COME TO WORK
FOR YOU, ON ONE CONDITION.
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT YOU BUY OUT HIS STAND,
LOCK, STOCK, AND BARREL,
AND MOVE IT OFF THE LOT.
I'VE GOT NO USE
FOR THAT STAND.
WELL, SOMEBODY ELSE
MIGHT HAVE.
[ SIGH ]
I GUESS I JUST BOUGHT MYSELF
A STAND -- OKAY.
WHEN CAN YOU GO
TO WORK?
TOMORROW MORNING,
MR. WEAVER.
I HOPE YOU'RE GOING TO
LIKE THE WAY I DO MY JOB.
I CAN SELL,
BUT I JUST DON'T
PUSH MYSELF ON ANYBODY.
Barney: I'LL
TELL YOU ONE THING --
YOU'RE GETTING THE BEST
SALESMAN IN MAYBERRY.
UNH-UNH, SECOND-BEST.
HUH?
WHO'S THE BEST?
YOU OUGHT TO KNOW --
YOU'RE WORKING FOR HIM.
OH, HOWDY, BEN.
HOW IS EVERYTHING?
HOW'S BERT WORKING OUT
AT THE OLD STORE?
OH, HE'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, THE MAIN THING
I WAS INTERESTED IN WAS
SEEING THAT LOT
GET CLEANED UP.
KEEPING A NEW BUSINESS
FROM STARTING UP IN THERE.
IT WOULDN'T LOOK GOOD,
YOU KNOW.
OH, ABOUT THAT, BEN,
I'M AFRAID I GOT
SOME BAD NEWS.
HUH?
DID YOU PASS THE LOT
ON THE WAY OVER HERE?
WELL, YOU OUGHT TO
SEEN IT.
I'M AFRAID THERE A NEW
BUSINESS OVER THERE.
WHAT?!
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE,
BEN.
NO, YOU
WAIT A MINUTE!
YOU PROMISED ME THAT YOU'D
KEEP THAT LOT CLEAN.
NOW, YOU'RE GOING BACK
ON YOUR PROMISE.
YOU AIN'T DEALING
FAIR, SHERIFF.
NOW, BEN, THE LEAST
YOU COULD DO IS
TO GO TALK
WITH THE FELLA.
HAVE A LOOK AT HIS PLACE
AND TALK TO HIM.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK
TO ANYBODY!
NOW, BEN, THIS NEW FELLA
JUST STARTED HIS BUSINESS
THIS MORNING --
HE'S A NICE FELLA.
NOW, IF YOU WON'T TALK
TO HIM --
I'M NOT BUYING OUT
ANY MORE BUSINESSES
AND I QUIT HIRING
ANY MORE SALESMEN!
YOU'VE GOT TO GET HIM OUT
OF HERE, ANDY, DO YOU HEAR?
NOW, BEN, JUST --
YOU CAN'T DO THIS
TO ME!
YOU AND ME
MADE A DEAL.
NOW, YOU WANT
TO DOUBLE-CROSS ME
BY SETTING UP
ANOTHER BUSINESS!
I TELL YOU, I W--
I --
OF DISTURBING HIM.
OH, AUNT BEE,
HAVE YOU GOT
ANY LIPSTICK
IN YOUR PURSE?
YES, WHY?
OH, COULD I
BORROW IT?
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
WANT IT FOR?
OH, NOTHING,
JUST LET ME BORROW IT.
TSK.
HEY, BARNEY, BARNEY,
BARNEY, BARNEY.
HUH, WHAT, WHAT?
I BELIEVE JOE WATERS
HAS GOT HIS TRUCK PARKED
A LITTLE TOO CLOSE
TO THAT FIRE HYDRANT.
ARE YOU GOING TO
TELL HIM TO MOVE?
OH, YEAH, YEAH,
I'LL TELL HIM.
HEY, JOE.
YOU GOT YOUR TRUCK RIGHT
HERE TO THAT FIRE HYDRANT.
MOVE IT OUT OF HERE.
SURE, BARNEY, SURE.
[ LAUGHING ]
HEY, BARNEY!
MWAH!
[ LAUGHING ]
WHAT'S WITH
THAT JOE WATERS?
WHY?
HE JUST THREW ME
A KISS.
WELL, I DON'T BLAME HIM,
BARNEY --
WITH THAT LIPSTICK
ALL OVER YOUR FACE,
YOU DO LOOK
KIND OF SWEET.
OH, BOY, YOU'RE JUST
FULL OF FUN TODAY,
AREN'T YOU?
WHY DON'T WE GO UP
TO THE OLD PEOPLE'S HOME
AND WAX THE STEPS?
[ LAUGHING ]
WELL, I'LL BE DOGGED.
HOWDY, BERT!
HI, ANDY.
BERT, I AIN'T SEEN YOU
IN A WHILE.
HOW YOU BEEN?
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW,
I'M MIDDLIN', MIDDLIN.
YEAH, MY FEET HAVE BEEN
TROUBLING ME A LOT LATELY
AND I GOT THE BURSITIS
IN MY SHOULDER
FROM CARRYING
THAT SUITCASE AROUND.
GOT SO I CAN'T STAND
THE SOUND OF THEM DOORBELLS.
BUT I'M MIDDLIN',
MIDDLIN'.
THAT'S A GOOD WAY
TO BE, MIDDLIN'.
YOU KNOW, ANDY --
HI, BERT! HOW ARE YOU?
MIDDLIN'.
HE'S MIDDLIN'.
HE'S MIDDLIN'.
WHAT ARE YOU SELLING,
THESE DAYS, BERT,
ANYTHING?
OH, THIS AND THAT.
LIKE WHAT?
WELL, FIRST, ONE THING,
THEN ANOTHER.
WELL, WHAT'S
IN THE SUITCASE?
DIFFERENT THINGS.
FOR PETE'S SAKE, BERT,
OPEN IT UP!
WE MIGHT BUY SOMETHING
OFF OF YOU.
OH, YOU PROBABLY DON'T
NEED NOTHING, NO WAY,
AND I DON'T WANT
TO APPEAR PUSHY.
NOBODY WILL EVER ACCUSE
YOU OF THAT, BERT.
NOW, WHAT'S
IN THE SUITCASE?
SHOW US.
OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT.
AH! SEE?
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN ABOUT
THAT BURSITIS IN MY SHOULDER.
TELLING ANDY -- FROM
LIFTING THIS SUITCASE.
SHAME.
MY FEET BEEN TROUBLING ME
A LOT LATELY, TOO.
TELL HIM ABOUT
THE DOORBELLS, BERT.
RINGING THOSE DOORBELLS,
DRIVING ME CRAZY.
WELL, JUST LIKE
I TOLD YOU, FELLAS --
A LITTLE BIT OF THIS
AND A LITTLE BIT OF THAT
AND THE NEXT THING,
AND THAT'S ABOUT THE WHILE
KIT 'N' KABOODLE.
WELL, LET US LOOK
IN THERE ONE TIME, BERT.
YOU GOT
ANY RAZOR BLADES?
RAZOR BLADES?
YEAH. WHY?
WELL, I'D LIKE
TO BUY SOME.
ARE YOU SURE? I MEAN, DON'T BUY
THEM UNLESS'N YOU NEED THEM.
I'M SURE, I'M SURE.
WELL, NOW, LOOK, ANDY,
IF IT'S A SHAVE YOU WANT,
I'LL LEND YOU MY RAZOR.
NO, BERT.
WELL, IT DON'T LOOK TO ME
LIKE YOU NEED A SHAVE.
BERT, I'D LIKE
TO GET SOME BLADES.
WELL, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
JUST DON'T WANT
TO PUSH MYSELF ON YOU.
YOU GOT ANY SOCKS, BERT?
SOCKS?
SIZE 10 1/2.
YEAH, BUT I'M GOING TO
GIVE YOU A SIZE 11.
THEY'RE JUST AS CHEAP AND THEY
WEAR A LITTLE BIT LONGER.
IT COULD BE
YOU'RE STILL GROWING.
[ LAUGHS ]
THAT'S GOOD, BERT.
YEAH, I HEARD THAT
FROM A FELLER IN RALEIGH.
WELL, HELLO,
THERE, BERT.
OH.
OH, HI, AUNT BEE.
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN BY
OUR HOUSE LATELY.
WELL, NO, MA'AM --
I WAS TELLING
THE FELLAS HERE, I HAVE
TROUBLE WITH MY FEET LATELY.
TELL HER ABOUT
YOUR BURSITIS.
YEAH, AND THE DOORBELLS
BOTHER HIM, TOO.
THOSE DOORBELLS
ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
OH, WELL, I'M SORRY.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
IN YOUR SUITCASE?
FIRST, ONE THING,
AND THEN ANOTHER.
WHAT ABOUT
DIFFERENT THINGS?
I FORGOT. AND A WHOLE LOT
OF THIS 'N' THAT.
OH,I DON'T KNOW,
I THINK AUNT BEE
WOULD LIKE
ONE THING AND ANOTHER.
HARD TO TELL -- EITHER
THAT OR DIFFERENT THINGS.
YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
NOW, LOOK HERE,
AUNT BEE, IT'S EITHER
GOING TO BE SOCKS,
RAZOR BLADES,
OR FIRST, ONE THING,
AND THEN ANOTHER.
NOW, WE AIN'T GOT TIME
TO STAND AROUND HERE
WHILE YOU MAKE UP
YOUR MIND -- WE'RE BUSY.
I WANT AN APRON.
YOU WANT AN APRON,
YOU GET AN APRON.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS
SPEAK UP.
WHERE ARE THEY?
UNDER THE SPOONS.
THERE'S YOUR APRON.
AND HERE'S A PAIR OF SOCKS.
SOCKS? WHAT DOES SHE
WANT WITH SOCKS?
SHE'S GOT SOME
REAL LONG GARTERS.
OH, STOP IT!
87 CENTS.
WELL, YOU PAY FOR IT,
ANDY.
YOU SEE TO IT THAT YOU
COME BY OUR HOUSE.
BYE, BOYS!
BYE, AUNT BEE.
OOH! WATCH THE HAT.
DON'T WANT TO SQUASH
THE HAT.
NO, WITH THE BURSITIS
AND THE SORE FEET,
WE DON'T WANT TO GIVE HIM
A HEAD COLD.
Ben: IS THAT ALL THE HIGH
SHERIFF GOT TO DO, JUST SET?
WELL, HOWDY, BEN. IS THERE
SOMETHING I OUGHT TO BE DOING?
YEAH, YOU OUGHT TO BE TENDING
TO YOUR JOB, IS WHAT.
HUH?
COME ON OVER HERE.
YOU KNOW THEY
DON'T ALLOW PEDDLING
ON THE STREETS OF MAYBERRY,
WHY DON'T YOU STOP HIM?
BERT? OH, HE AIN'T
REALLY PEDDLING.
WELL, IT SURE
LOOKS LIKE IT TO ME.
WHAT IF HE IS, BEN?
NOW, LOOK,
I'M A LEGITIMATE,
TAXPAYING MERCHANT
AND I SAY
GET HIM OFF THE STREET.
OH, HE'LL BE MOVING
ALONG PRETTY SOON.
ANYTHING ELSE?
NO, THERE'S NOTHING MORE.
JUST STOP HIM SELLING
ON THE STREET.
IF YOU WANT TO KEEP ON
BEING SHERIFF,
GET HIM OFF THE STREET.
WELL, OF ALL THE GALL!
WHY'D YOU LET HIM TALK
TO YOU LIKE THAT, ANDY?
I SURE WOULDN'T.
YOU WOULDN'T?
NO. YOU KNOW WHAT
I WOULD'VE SAID,
IF HE'D HAVE JUMPED
ON ME LIKE THAT?
WHAT?
I WOULD'VE SAID, "WHO DIED
AND LEFT YOU THE BOSS?
"WHY DON'T YOU GO SET
IN THE GROCERY STORE,
SO WE CAN ALL KNOW
YOU'RE THE BIG CHEESE?"
[ LAUGHS ]
"KNOW YOU'RE THE BIG
CHEESE," HUH?
THAT'S GOOD.
HEY, UH --
HEY, BARN?
WE AIN'T GOT MUCH TO DO,
RIGHT HERE IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE WEEK, HAVE WE?
NO.
WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN?
HOW?
LET'S PICK AT OLD BEN
A LITTLE BIT.
HE SAYS HE DON'T WANT
BERT SELLING ON THE STREET.
LET'S MOVE THAT BENCH
OVER HERE
IN THE VACANT LOT AND PUT
BERT'S SUITCASE ON IT
AND SET HIM UP A LITTLE
TEMPORARY STORE, HUH?
YEAH, LET'S DO THAT.
HEY, BERT? SAY, YOUR
FEET BEEN BOTHERING YOU?
AND YOUR SHOULDERS
ARE HURTING YOU.
AND THE DOORBELLS
BOTHER YOU.
OH, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T
STAND THEM DOORBELLS.
WELL, I BELIEVE
WE GOT A CURE FOR THAT.
HUH?
WHY DON'T YOU MOVE
YOUR SUITCASE OVER HERE
TO CROWLEY'S VACANT LOT AND SET
YOU UP A LITTLE TEMPORARY STORE?
OH, NO,
I COULDN'T DO THAT.
Andy: WELL, WHY NOT?
WELL, FOLKS MIGHT GET
THE IDEA I WAS BEING PUSHY.
WHY WOULD THEY
DO THAT?
ALL YOU'D BE DOING WOULD BE
SETTIN' AND SELLIN'.
NO WALKING,
NO CARRYING THE SUITCASE,
NO RINGING DOORBELLS --
DON'T THAT SOUND GOOD?
YEAH, IT DOES.
WELL, DO IT, THEN!
WELL, NOW, ARE YOU SURE
THAT THEY WON'T SUSPECT
I WAS BEING PUSHY?
I'M SURE.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING I HATE,
IT'S A PUSHY SALESMAN.
I KNOW. COME ON.
GET THE END THERE.
OKAY, GOT IT?
* YOU GET A LINE AND I'LL GET
A POLE, MY HONEY *
* YOU GET A LINE AND I'LL
GET A POLE, MY BABE *
* YOU GET A LINE
AND I'LL GET A POLE *
* AND WE'LL GO DOWN
TO THE CRAWDAD HOLE *
* HONEY, BABY, MINE
* WHAT YOU GONNA DO WHEN
THE WELL RUNS DRY, MY HONEY? *
* WHAT YOU GONNA DO WHEN
THE WELL RUNS DRY, MY BABE? *
* WHAT YOU GONNA DO
WHEN THE WELL RUNS DRY *
* SET ON THE BANK
AND CRY, CRY, CRY *
* HONEY, BABY, MINE? *
YEAH, YEAH?
ANDY, HERE COMES BEN.
I THINK WE GOT TO HIM.
OH, GOOD. HEY,
LET'S BE SINGING.
"SUNSHINE."
* SPREAD A LITTLE SUNSHINE
EVERY DAY *
* SPREAD A LITTLE
SUNSHINE EVERY DAY *
* HELP SOMEONE ALONG --
SHERIFF, I WANT --
WAIT.
* HELP SOMEONE
ALONG LIFE'S WAY *
* SPREAD A LITTLE SUNSHINE
EVERY DAY **
AIN'T THAT PURDY?
I DIDN'T COME HERE
FOR A CONCERT.
I COME HERE WITH
A COMPLAINT, SHERIFF.
WELL, WHAT
WOULD THAT BE, BEN?
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT THAT
DRUMMER PEDDLING IN THE STREET.
OH, BERT? OH, BERT AIN'T
ON THE STREET.
HE'S ON CROWLEY'S VACANT LOT --
I'D SAY THAT'S A GOOD
7, 8 FEET OFF THE STREET,
WOULDN'T YOU, BARN?
OH, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
BESIDES, THE LAW SAYS
THAT A BUSINESS ESTABLISHMENT
IS NOT A BUSINESS
UNLESS IT'S GOT A ROOF OVER.
NOW, WHAT BERT MILLER'S DOING
IS AGAINST THE LAW.
HE'S PEDDLING IN THE STREET.
NOW, YOU DO SOMETHING
ABOUT IT!
NOW, BEN, YOU'RE GETTING
YOURSELF ALL WORKED UP
OVER NOTHING -- NOW,
JUST LISTEN TO THIS SONG.
LIKE THEY SAY,
"MUSIC HATH CHARMS
TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE BEAST."
* HELP SOMEONE
ALONG LIFE'S WAY *
* SPREAD A LITTLE SUNSHINE
EVERY DAY *
AIN'T THAT PRETTY?
AHH!
WE GOT HIM GOING GOOD.
HEY, YOU KNOW,
BEN'S RIGHT, THOUGH.
YOU MEAN ABOUT GETTING
BERT OFF THE STREET?
NO, ABOUT A ROOF --
A BUSINESS ESTABLISHMENT
AIN'T A BUSINESS
UNLESS IT'S GOT A ROOF.
YOU GOT AN IDEA?
YEAH, AND IT'LL MAKE BEN
SO HAPPY. COME ON.
SHERIFF!
OH, HOWDY, BEN.
WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE
ABOUT TO HAVE A SPELL.
YOU THINK YOU'RE PRETTY SMART,
DON'T YOU, SHERIFF?
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, BEN?
YOU KNOW DOGGONE WELL
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
BERT MILLER,
SELLING ON THE STREET.
HE'S STILL AT IT!
BEN, YOU SAID A BUSINESS
AIN'T A BUSINESS
UNLESS IT'S GOT A ROOF
ON IT.
WELL, HE'S GOT ONE.
I'D SAY THAT'S A ROOF.
WOULDN'T YOU, BARNEY?
WELL, YEAH,
I'D SAY THAT.
I DIDN'T ASK YOU!
NOW, BEN,
IF THAT'S A ROOF,
THE MAN'S GOT
A LEGITIMATE BUSINESS.
I'LL SEE YOU.
YEAH, BUT --
NOW, LOOK HERE,
SHERIFF --
THAT IS NOT
A LEGITIMATE ROOF.
JUST A MINUTE,
SHERIFF.
OH, HOWDY, BEN.
YOU LOOKING FOR US?
BY "ROOF," I MEAN
A PROPER STRUCTURE.
A BENCH AND AN UMBRELLA
IS NOT A PROPER STRUCTURE.
WELL, I'D SAY A BENCH
AND UMBRELLA
IS A PROPER STRUCTURE,
WOULDN'T YOU, BARN?
IT CERTAINLY LOOKS
TO ME --
I AM TALKING
TO THE SHERIFF.
NOW, LOOK HERE, SHERIFF,
I'VE BEEN RUNNING A STORE
IN THIS TOWN
FOR GOING ON 25 YEARS
AND I AIN'T ABOUT TO LET
ANY FLY-BY-NIGHT PEDDLER
TAKE THE PLAY AWAY FROM
THAT STORE, YOU UNDERSTAND?
NOW, BEN, YOU DON'T
HONESTLY BELIEVE
THAT BERT MILLER IS
ANY COMPETITION TO YOU?
ALL HE'S SELLING --
I'M TALKING
TO THE SHERIFF!
HEY, YOU SEEM TO BE
MIGHTY INTERESTED
IN TRYING TO HELP
THIS FELLOW OUT -- WHY?
WELL, BECAUSE OF A SAYING
YOU MIGHT'VE HEARD OF, BEN --
"LIVE AND LET LIVE."
NOW, THE MAN IS JUST TRYING
TO MAKE AN HONEST LIVING
AND HE AIN'T TAKING NARY
A BIT OF BUSINESS AWAY
FROM YOU,
AND YOU KNOW IT.
THAT'S CERTAINLY THE WAY
I FEEL ABOUT THE WHOLE --
YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!
JUST THE SAME, I'M TELLING YOU,
FOR THE LAST TIME --
YOU GET THAT MAN
OFF THE STREET! YOU HEAR?
I'M GIVING YOU A WARNING!
I WANT IT STOPPED.
AND YOU BETTER SEE TO IT
BECAUSE I CAN GET IT DONE
AND YOU KNOW IT.
[ DOOR OPENS
AND CLOSES ]
[ LAUGHING ]
YOU REALLY WANT
TO GET BEN GOING?
YEAH. HOW?
LET'S BUILD HIM
A STRUCTURE.
I KNOW WHERE WE
CAN GET SOME LUMBER
AND I'LL CALL RALEIGH
AND GET SOME MERCHANDISE
SENT DOWN
ON CONSIGNMENT.
OH, WE'LL BUILD BERT ONE
OUTSTANDING SELLING PLACE.
WE'LL BUILD HIM
A SELLING PLACE
THAT LOOKS LIKE A SELLING
PLACE, HUH?
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
YOU DON'T THINK I'M GETTING
TOO PUSHY, DO YOU?
IF THERE'S ONE THING I CAN'T
STAND, IT'S A PUSHY SHERIFF.
YOU CHARACTER.
COME ON.
THAT OUGHT TO
MAKE BEN HAPPY.
HE SAID HE NEEDED
A PROPER STRUCTURE.
BERT'S GOT A PROPER
STRUCTURE.
OH, HI, THERE, MISS PALMER.
HOW'S DOUG?
OH, HE'S FINE,
BERT, FINE.
THIS IS A REAL NICE
SCARF, BERT -- HOW MUCH?
WELL, I TELL YOU,
MRS. PALMER, I'D BE
RIGHT GLAD TO SELL IT TO YOU
IF YOU THINK YOU NEED IT.
OF COURSE I NEED IT.
WELL, I MEAN, I DON'T WANT
TO FORCE NOTHING ON YOU,
YOU KNOW -- IF YOU THINK
YOU REALLY NEED IT --
I NEED IT.
YEAH.
AND REALLY LIKE IT.
I LIKE IT.
I LOVE IT, BERT.
YEAH, WELL,
IF YOU GET IT HOME
AND START HATING IT,
YOU BRING IT BACK,
YOU HEAR?
I WILL.
YOU DO THAT.
I DON'T CARE FOR IT
MUCH, MYSELF.
I'LL GET YOU
A FANCY BOX.
WELL, HOWDY, BERT.
HOWDY, MRS. MASON.
HOW'S IT GOING?
OH, EVERYTHING'S GOING
FINE, ANDY, JUST FINE.
THANKS TO YOU.
OH, DON'T YOU
MENTION IT.
I TELL YOU, IT BEATS
TRAMPING AROUND,
LUGGING A SUITCASE
AND RINGING THEM DOORBELLS.
GOOD.
YEAH, OH,
THIS IS ALL RIGHT.
I WANT THESE CUPS,
BERT -- HOW MUCH?
SIX OF THEM?
UH-HUH.
HOW MUCH ARE THEY?
OH, YOU DON'T NEED
SIX OF THEM.
OH, YES, I DO.
I CAN USE THEM.
ALL SIX OF THEM?
WELL, THE CHILDREN
KEEP BREAKING THEM.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THREE OF THEM
AND A TUBE OF GLUE?
DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU
THAT THAT BERT
AIN'T EXACTLY WHAT YOU MIGHT
CALL A CRACKERJACK SALESMAN?
YEAH. IT DON'T
MATTER, THOUGH.
FOLKS WILL BUY FROM BERT
BECAUSE THEY LIKE HIM.
THAT'S AS GOOD AS BEING
A CRACKERJACK, AIN'T IT?
YEAH.
I WANT ALL SIX.
WELL, ALL RIGHT --
I JUST DON'T WANT
TO PUSH NOTHING
ON NOBODY.
EXCUSE ME.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HERE HE COMES.
HERE HE COMES.
WHAT IS THIS?!
WHAT IS --
WHAT IS THIS?!
WELL, BEN, WHAT IN THE WORLD
ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT NOW?
YOU SAID THE MAN NEEDED
A ROOF, HE GOT A ROOF.
YOU SAID HE NEEDED
A PROPER STRUCTURE,
HE'S GOT HISSELF A PROPER
STRUCTURE.
WHAT ELSE, BEN?
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
I TRIED TO GET YOU
TO STOP HIM,
I GAVE YOU
THE PROPER REASONS
AND I TRIED T BE
NICE ABOUT IT --
OH, YOU'VE BEEN NICE.
YOU'VE BEEN NICE.
HASN'T HE BEEN NICE,
BARNEY?
OH, HE'S BEEN
A REAL SWEETHEART.
HE SURE HAS.
WOULD YOU SAY
HE WAS NICER
ABOUT THE STAND
THAN THE UMBRELLA
OR WAS HE NICER ABOUT
THE UMBRELLA THAN THE STAND?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I'D SAY HE WAS NICER
ABOUT THE STAND.
BECAUSE IT'S BIGGER.
BEN, YOU KNOW YOU'RE SMART,
YOU'RE SMART
TO MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE
THAT YOU'RE A SKINFLINT
AND A MEAN, OLD TIGHTWAD.
BECAUSE IF THEY EVER
FOUND OUT
HOW SWEET AND KIND
YOU REALLY ARE,
THEY'D TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF YOU.
YOU'LL BE SORRY.
[ Chewing ]
HI, PA.
OH, HI, OPE.
YOU SURE ARE UPTOWN LATE.
HOW COME?
I'VE BEEN OVER
AT WEAVER'S, SHOPPING.
WHAT, AT WHERE?
AT WEAVER'S.
WELL, I GOT
TWO QUESTIONS.
NOW, THAT'S
THE SECOND ONE FIRST.
WHAT'D YOU USE
FOR MONEY?
I DIDN'T NEED ANY MONEY.
HE'S GIVING STUFF AWAY.
THAT TAKES CARE OF
MY FIRST QUESTION, TOO.
NOW, WHAT'S THIS ABOUT WEAVER
GIVING STUFF AWAY?
IT AIN'T JUST STUFF, PA.
IT'S VALUABLE.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
SEE? BALLOONS.
AND GUM.
EVERY KID IN TOWN'S
OVER THERE.
MR. WEAVER'S SURE DOING
A LOT OF BUSINESS.
WITH YOUNG'UNS?
MNH-MNH,
WITH THEIR FOLKS.
HE'S GIVING STUFF
TO THEIR FOLKS?
NOT EXACTLY,
BUT I HEARD THEM SAY
MR. WEAVER SURE IS
SELLING THINGS CHEAP.
SELLING THINGS CHEAP,
HUH?
DID YOU NOTICE
IF ANYBODY WAS
OVER AT
BERT MILLER'S STAND?
I COULDN'T SAY
I'M SURE.
NEVER MIND.
I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
HOWDY, BERT.
OH, HI, ANDY. THINGS ARE
A LITTLE QUIET TODAY.
YEAH, I EXPECT SO.
YEAH, WELL, FOLKS BOUGHT
A LOT OF STUFF YESTERDAY.
OUGHT TO LAST THEM
FOR A GOOD LONG WHILE.
THAT'S WHY I FIGURE
IT'S KIND OF SLOW TODAY.
DON'T YOU RECKON?
WELL, BERT,
THE FACT IS,
YOU'RE BEING SQUEEZED
OUT OF BUSINESS.
WHAT, ANDY?
BEN WEAVER IS SELLING STUFF
A WHOLE LOT CHEAPER
OVER AT HIS STORE
THAN YOU CAN,
SO FOLKS ARE BUYING
FROM HIM.
OH.
[ SIGH ]
UH -- BERT, UH --
MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU OUGHT TO KNOW.
SEE, THIS --
THIS WHOLE THING STARTED
AS A JOKE.
I WAS TRYING TO IRRITATE
BEN A LITTLE BIT
AND, WELL, I GUESS
IT GOT OUT OF HAND.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
OH, GEE, THAT'S
ALL RIGHT, ANDY.
IT DON'T MATTER AT ALL,
SEE, I NEVER EXPECTED
TO STAY IN THIS SPOT
TOO LONG, NO HOW,
JUST LONG ENOUGH TO KIND OF
REST MY FEET FOR A WHILE,
GET OVER THE BURSITIS
IN MY SHOULDER,
AND, YOU KNOW,
GET AWAY FROM
THEM RINGING DOORBELLS
FOR A WHILE.
AHEM, WELL, WE --
WE DID GET ONE THING
DONE, THOUGH.
WE GOT OLD BEN WEAVER
TO SELL THINGS
A LITTLE BIT CHEAPER.
WE DID THAT.
[ LAUGHING ]
WELL, I'LL GET
JIM STEVENS.
HE RUNS THE DEPARTMENT STORE
OVER AT MOUNT PILOT
AND HE OWES ME A FAVOR.
I'LL GET HIM TO LOAN ME ONE
OF HIS TRUCKS
AND WE'LL GET THIS STUFF
BACK TO RALEIGH.
OH, YEAH, ANDY,
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA,
GET THE TRUCKS, SEE,
AND I'LL GET THIS STUFF
ALL PACKED UP HERE,
HUH?
YEAH, YEAH.
MEAN OLD BUZZARD.
WHAT DID IT HURT HIM,
HAVING BERT RUN
HIS LITTLE OLD
STAND THERE?
WELL, WE'VE BEEN
ALL THROUGH THAT.
UH-OH, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE
GOING TO HAVE COMPANY.
HERE COMES BEN.
HE PROBABLY WANTS
TO CROW A LITTLE.
WHAT THIS STEVENS TRUCK
DOING HERE?
WELL, BEN,
IF YOU HAVE TO KNOW --
JIM STEVENS HAS JUST BEEN
ITCHING TO OPEN A STORE
IN MAYBERRY --
NOW WHAT'S GOING ON, ANDY?
WELL --
DID STEVENS MAKE SOME KIND
OF A DEAL WITH BERT?
IT AIN'T FAIR, ANDY.
IT JUST AIN'T FAIR!
WHAT?
I DIDN'T THINK
YOU'D GO THIS FAR, ANDY.
I'VE BEEN IN BUSINESS HERE
IN MAYBERRY FOR 25 YEARS.
NOW, YOU'RE LETTING
AN OUTSIDER IN.
NO, MR. WEAVER!
BEN, WE DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WAS THAT INTERESTED.
COME ON, BARNEY,
WE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
LET'S GET THIS
SHIPMENT UNLOADED.
ANDY, WE JUST --
LET'S GET THE SHIPMENT
UNLOADED.
OH. OH, YEAH!
YEAH,
LET'S GET IT UNLOADED.
NOW, LOOK HERE --
ARE YOU JUST
GOING TO STAND BY
AND LET STEVENS GET
A TOEHOLD ON MAYBERRY?
WAIT A MINUTE,
WHERE'S YOUR LOYALTY
TO THE CITIZENS
OF YOUR OWN HOMETOWN?
WELL, BEN, YOU SHOULD'VE
SAID SOMETHING.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WANTED
TO BUILD ANOTHER STORE HERE.
I DON'T WANT TO START
ANOTHER STORE HERE.
I JUST DON'T WANT
STEVENS IN.
NOW, YOU CAN DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.
WELL, YEAH,
I GUESS I COULD,
BUT WHAT HAPPENS
TO BERT?
WELL, IF STEVENS
CAN SET HIM UP,
I RECKON I CAN, TOO.
HE CAN GO TO WORK
IN MY STORE.
WELL, I'LL HAVE TO
ASK HIM.
BERT, HOW'D YOU LIKE TO GO
TO WORK FOR BEN WEAVER?
WHAT?
NO MORE WALKING,
NO CARRYING A SUITCASE,
NO RINGING DOORBELLS,
JUST A NICE JOB IN A STORE.
YOU SAID YOU LIKED IT.
YEAH. WELL, IT SOUNDS
FINE AND ALL AND --
WELL, YEAH, I'D BE GLAD TO,
IF YOU THINK HE NEEDS ME.
I MEAN, IF HE REALLY
NEEDS ME.
OH, JUST A MINUTE.
UH --
HE SAID THAT HE MIGHT GO
TO WORK FOR YOU,
BUT HE IS WONDERING
SOMETHING --
HE IS WONDERING
WHO NEEDED HIM MORE,
STEVENS OR...?
OH, FOR --
I'LL PAY HIM AS MUCH
AS STEVENS WOULD GIVE HIM,
AND MORE THAN THAT.
JUST A MINUTE.
HE NEEDS YOU, BERT.
HE NEEDS YOU.
OH! THAT'S FINE --
I CAN START ANYTIME,
AS SOON AS I GET
THIS MERCHANDISE RETURNED
AND KIND OF CLEAN UP
AROUND HERE A LITTLE.
UH, WAIT.
WAIT JUST A MINUTE.
UH, HE'LL COME TO WORK
FOR YOU, ON ONE CONDITION.
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT YOU BUY OUT HIS STAND,
LOCK, STOCK, AND BARREL,
AND MOVE IT OFF THE LOT.
I'VE GOT NO USE
FOR THAT STAND.
WELL, SOMEBODY ELSE
MIGHT HAVE.
[ SIGH ]
I GUESS I JUST BOUGHT MYSELF
A STAND -- OKAY.
WHEN CAN YOU GO
TO WORK?
TOMORROW MORNING,
MR. WEAVER.
I HOPE YOU'RE GOING TO
LIKE THE WAY I DO MY JOB.
I CAN SELL,
BUT I JUST DON'T
PUSH MYSELF ON ANYBODY.
Barney: I'LL
TELL YOU ONE THING --
YOU'RE GETTING THE BEST
SALESMAN IN MAYBERRY.
UNH-UNH, SECOND-BEST.
HUH?
WHO'S THE BEST?
YOU OUGHT TO KNOW --
YOU'RE WORKING FOR HIM.
OH, HOWDY, BEN.
HOW IS EVERYTHING?
HOW'S BERT WORKING OUT
AT THE OLD STORE?
OH, HE'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, THE MAIN THING
I WAS INTERESTED IN WAS
SEEING THAT LOT
GET CLEANED UP.
KEEPING A NEW BUSINESS
FROM STARTING UP IN THERE.
IT WOULDN'T LOOK GOOD,
YOU KNOW.
OH, ABOUT THAT, BEN,
I'M AFRAID I GOT
SOME BAD NEWS.
HUH?
DID YOU PASS THE LOT
ON THE WAY OVER HERE?
WELL, YOU OUGHT TO
SEEN IT.
I'M AFRAID THERE A NEW
BUSINESS OVER THERE.
WHAT?!
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE,
BEN.
NO, YOU
WAIT A MINUTE!
YOU PROMISED ME THAT YOU'D
KEEP THAT LOT CLEAN.
NOW, YOU'RE GOING BACK
ON YOUR PROMISE.
YOU AIN'T DEALING
FAIR, SHERIFF.
NOW, BEN, THE LEAST
YOU COULD DO IS
TO GO TALK
WITH THE FELLA.
HAVE A LOOK AT HIS PLACE
AND TALK TO HIM.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK
TO ANYBODY!
NOW, BEN, THIS NEW FELLA
JUST STARTED HIS BUSINESS
THIS MORNING --
HE'S A NICE FELLA.
NOW, IF YOU WON'T TALK
TO HIM --
I'M NOT BUYING OUT
ANY MORE BUSINESSES
AND I QUIT HIRING
ANY MORE SALESMEN!
YOU'VE GOT TO GET HIM OUT
OF HERE, ANDY, DO YOU HEAR?
NOW, BEN, JUST --
YOU CAN'T DO THIS
TO ME!
YOU AND ME
MADE A DEAL.
NOW, YOU WANT
TO DOUBLE-CROSS ME
BY SETTING UP
ANOTHER BUSINESS!
I TELL YOU, I W--
I --