The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 2, Episode 20 - Barney and the Choir - full transcript
The choir director invites Barney to join the choir before he realizes Barney can't sing.
UH, HEY -- HEY, BARN?
YEAH?
ARE THEY THE NEW WANTED FLYERS
THAT COME IN FROM RALEIGH?
YEAH.
* NITA
UH, BARN?
ANYTHING INTERESTING IN 'EM,
LIKE, MAYBE, A SUSPECT
WE MIGHT FIND IN THE AREA?
NO.
* NITA
* DEE DEE DEE DA DA DA DA
Bee: LUNCH, EVERYBODY!
Andy: OH, HI, AUNT BEE!
HI, BOYS --
OH, I HOPE IT'S GOOD!
OH, IT'LL BE FINE.
I'LL GET WASHED UP.
AUNT BEE, BARNEY'S
BEEN SINGING AGAIN.
I DON'T KNOW
HOW HE DOES IT
BUT HE'S GOT A KNACK
OF HITTIN' A NOTE
JUST ENOUGH OFF
TO MAKE YOUR SKIN CRAWL.
OH, ANDY,
EVERYBODY CAN'T SING.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE
TOLERANT OF HIM.
Barney:
* NITA, JUANITA
* AH-DAH-DAH-DEE
DAH-DA-DA-DA *
HAVE A SANDWICH, BARNEY.
YEAH, FILL UP YOUR
MOUTH THERE, BARN.
EAT SLOW.
EAT A WHOLE LOT
AND EAT REAL SLOW.
ALL RIGHT.
( door opening )
WELL, HOWDY, JOHN.
Bee:
HELLO, JOHN.
HELLO, BEE.
Andy:
WELL, WHAT'S
THE TROUBLE?
ANDY, I'VE GOT
TO TALK TO YOU.
WELL, WON'T YOU
HAVE A SANDWICH?
NO. NO, THANK YOU.
ANDY, WE'VE GOT
A BIG PROBLEM WITH THE CHOIR.
WE HAVE?
RALPH PRITCHARD IS DROPPING OUT.
OH, NO.
NO, HE'S NOT.
YES, SIR --
WITH HIS NEW JOB OF HIS,
HE'S ON THE ROAD
TWO WEEKS OUT OF THREE
SO HE HAS TO STEP OUT.
WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE WE GOING
TO DO ABOUT A FIRST TENOR?
I JUST DON'T KNOW, ANDY.
Bee:
WHAT ABOUT FRED MASON?
WORKS NIGHTS,
CAN'T EVER MAKE PRACTICE.
AND WITH THAT CONCERT
COMING UP
WE NEED PLENTY
OF PRACTICE.
WE SURE DO THAT.
HOW ABOUT
RICK JACKSON?
MAYBE HE'S A TENOR
NOW THAT HE'S HAD
HIS TONSILS AND...
NO.
NO?
HE'S GOT THAT FOGHORN VOICE
EVEN WITH HIS PASSAGES
CLEARED OUT.
ORDINARILY,
IT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD.
I MEAN,
WE COULD GET BY
BUT YOU KNOW THE JUDGES OF THE
STATE CONTEST WILL BE THERE.
Andy:
THAT'S RIGHT.
YES, THEY WILL -- AND IF WE
DON'T MAKE A GOOD SHOWING
FOR THEM,
WE WON'T EVEN BE CONSIDERED
FOR THE FINALS AT ROANOKE.
Bee:
AFTER US WORKING
SO HARD ALL YEAR.
YEAH, IT'S TOUGH,
ALL RIGHT.
AS MY OLD VOICE TEACHER
USED TO SAY
A CHOIR
WITHOUT ITS TENOR
IS LIKE A STAR
WITHOUT ITS GLIMMER.
YOU KNOW WHO
USED TO SAY THAT?
MY OLD VOICE TEACHER.
THAT'S THE TEACHER I HAD
WHEN I STUDIED VOICE.
BARNEY, YOU HAVE
A TRAINED VOICE?
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU STUDIED SINGING.
OH, WELL,
JUST A LITTLE.
UH, JOHN...
ANDY, THIS COULD SOLVE
EVERYTHING FOR US!
BARNEY, WHAT PART DID YOU SING?
OH, FIRST TENOR.
OH, TENOR.
JOHN...
WELL, BARNEY, HOW ABOUT
YOU JOINING THE CHOIR?
ME?
SURE! WITH ALL
YOUR TRAINING
YOU'RE JUST WHAT
WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.
WELL, GOSH... GEE...
GOLLY,
I NEVER GAVE THAT MUCH THOUGHT.
DID YOU, ANDY?
NO, I SURE NEVER DID.
YOU NEED A TENOR, HUH?
OH, WITH THAT
CONCERT COMING UP
IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS,
WE'RE DESPERATE.
OH, WELL...
I GUESS I WOULDN'T BE
A VERY CIVIC-MINDED CITIZEN
IF I REFUSED, WOULD I?
YOU CAN COUNT
ON OLD BARN, JOHN.
I'LL STEP IN AND HELP YOU OUT --
WHEN'S PRACTICE?
PRACTICE IS TONIGHT
AT THE TOWN HALL.
AND YOU CAN COME
RIGHT ALONG WITH ANDY.
RIGHT, SHERIFF?
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
I'LL BRING HIM.
BARNEY, THAT'S
JUST WONDERFUL.
ISN'T THAT JUST
WONDERFUL, BEE?
YES.
BARNEY, SPEAKING
FOR THE WHOLE CHOIR,
WELCOME ABOARD.
WELL, THANK YOU, JOHN.
WAIT TILL THELMA LOU
HEARS ABOUT THIS.
SHE'LL BE THRILLED.
BARNEY'S GOING TO BE IN
THE CHOIR -- MY BARNEY?
THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT BARNEY CAN'T SING.
I KNOW.
HE'S A WARM, WONDERFUL PERSON
AND I LOVE HIM DEARLY,
BUT HE CAN'T SING.
THAT'S TRUE.
HE'S KIND,
CONSIDERATE
THE MOST GENTLE PERSON
I'VE EVER KNOWN
BUT HE CAN'T SING.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE'S THE MAN I WANT TO MARRY,
THE MAN I WANT TO BE THE FATHER
OF MY CHILDREN...
BUT HE CAN'T SING.
NOT A LICK.
WELL, I'M AFRAID HE'S GONNA SING
AND THERE'S NOTHING
WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
JOHN MASTERS ALREADY
WELCOMED HIM ABOARD.
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN
AT CHOIR PRACTICE TONIGHT?
WELL, I EXPECT EVERYBODY
WILL FIND OUT BARNEY CAN'T SING.
NOT A LICK.
PLEASE TURN TO NUMBER 14-A
FOR OUR FIRST SELECTION.
READY? HAZEL?
( Barney singing off-key):
* WELCOME, SWEET SPRINGTIME
* WE GREET THEE IN SONG...
OH, OH... SHH.
FOLKS, I THINK I DETECTED
A LITTLE FLAT NOTE THERE.
WELL, PERHAPS
I'M MISTAKEN.
BUT LET'S JUST TRY IT
AGAIN, SHALL WE?
HAZEL...
* WELCOME, SWEET SPRINGTIME
* WE GREET THEE IN SONG...
NO, NO, NO, NO.
SHH. FOLKS...
I DEFINITELY HEARD IT
THIS TIME.
SOMEONE IS DEFINITELY
SINGING OFF-KEY.
NOW, LET'S JUST WATCH IT,
SHALL WE?
HAZEL...
( whispering ):
EXCUSE ME.
WHAT?
MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU OUT.
I'LL SORT OF MOVE AROUND,
SEE IF I CAN SPOT WHO IT IS.
VERY GOOD, BARNEY.
HAZEL...
( off-key )
* WELCOME, SWEET SPRINGTIME
* WE GREET THEE IN SONG
* MURMURS OF GLADNESS
* FALL ON THE EAR
* VOICES LONG HUSHED
NOW THEIR FULL NOTES PROLONG *
( others stop singing )
* ECHOING FAR AND NEAR...
I THINK YOU CUT OUT
A LITTLE TOO SOON.
I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE
TO SPOT WHO IT WAS.
KEEP IT GOING.
YOU SURE HE DIDN'T
FOLLOW YOU?
OH, NO.
AFTER HE TOOK ME HOME,
I WAITED TILL HE DROVE OFF
AND THEN JUST TO MAKE SURE,
I SLIPPED OUT THE BACK WAY.
GOOD.
WELL, THELMA LOU,
I GUESS YOU KNOW
WHY I CALLED THIS
EMERGENCY MEETING.
I'M GOING TO TELL BARNEY FIFE
TO GET OUT OF THE CHOIR.
NOW, JOHN, YOU CAN'T
KICK HIM OUT
THE VERY DAY
YOU ASKED HIM TO JOIN.
I'VE GOT TO, ANDY,
OR HE'LL RUIN THE CHOIR.
WELL, THERE'S BOUND
TO BE ANOTHER WAY.
UH, THELMA LOU,
YOU'RE HIS GIRL...
OH, NO, I-I COULDN'T.
AUNT BEE, HE LIKES YOU.
WELL, WHY ME?
ANDY, YOU'RE HIS FRIEND.
OH, NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
THEN I'LL TELL HIM.
NO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT, JOHN.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?
MAYBE HE'LL FALL DOWN
AND BREAK HIS MOUTH.
( doorbell rings )
Andy:
HI, JOHN.
HI. COME ON IN.
HOW ARE YOU?
HI, GANG.
All:
HI.
BOY, YOU SURE DID WAIT
TILL THE LAST MINUTE
TO CHANGE THE MEETING
PLACE. HOW COME?
WE FIGURED WE HAD
TO HAVE ONE PRACTICE
WITHOUT BARNEY
SO'S WE GET AN IDEA
OF WHERE WE'RE GOING.
THE POOR BOY.
HE'LL BE EXPECTING US
ALL OVER AT TOWN HALL.
THAT'S THE TRUTH.
WELL, I HAD
TO DO SOMETHING.
DO YOU REALIZE THAT CONCERT
IS A WEEK FROM TONIGHT
AND WE HAVEN'T SUNG
ONE NUMBER THROUGH ON KEY.
( all agreeing )
WELL, OF COURSE,
THERE'S ALWAYS
THE ALTERNATIVE.
I COULD TELL HIM
TO HIS FACE.
NO...
OH, NO.
DON'T DO THAT.
WE'LL DO IT.
THEN LET'S BEGIN,
SHALL WE?
BEE...
THELMA LOU...
ANDY...
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT NOW.
NOW, EVERYBODY -- 14-A,
FROM THE BEGINNING.
EVERYBODY READY?
NOW A NICE GROUP, PLEASE...
NICE GROUP.
READY?
HAZEL...
( playing introduction )
* WELCOME, SWEET SPRINGTIME
* WE GREET THEE IN SONG
* MURMURS OF GLADNESS
FALL ON THE EAR *
* VOICES LONG HUSHED
* NOW THEIR FULL NOTES
PROLONG... *
( doorbell ringing repeatedly )
( doorbell continues ringing )
HI, JOHN.
HI, EVERYBODY.
HI, BARN.
GEE, YOU CHANGED THE
MEETIN' PLACE, HUH?
GOLLY, IT'S A LUCKY THING
I TURNED DOWN ELM STREET
AND HEARD THE SINGING.
NEXT TIME YOU CHANGE
THE MEETING PLACE
YOU OUGHT TO LET
A FELLA KNOW.
WHO'S THE PHONE COMMITTEE?
OH, UH, DIDN'T ANYBODY
CALL YOU, BARN?
NO, THEY DIDN'T.
I'M SORRY, BARNEY.
I DON'T KNOW HOW
THAT OVERSIGHT CAME ABOUT.
WELL, NO HARM DONE.
ALL'S WELL
THAT ENDS WELL.
HERE I AM.
LET'S GET STARTED.
OH, GOOD OLD 14-A.
( clearing throat )
( humming )
* ME-ME-ME-ME
* ME-ME-ME-ME, AAAH...
OKAY.
HAZEL...
( piano introduction )
* WELCOME, SWEET SPRINGTIME
* WE GREET THEE IN SONG
( off-key )
* MURMURS OF GLADNESS...
I'M SORRY, ANDY,
BUT MY MIND IS MADE UP.
THIS CANNOT GO ON.
THE CONCERT IS
DAY AFTER TOMORROW
AND I WILL NOT
HAVE IT RUINED
BY THAT
CATERWAULING TENOR.
WELL?
WHAT'S IT TO BE?
YOU OR ME?
ALL RIGHT, JOHN,
IF IT'S GOT TO BE DONE
I GUESS IT'S
OUR PLACE TO DO IT.
THELMA LOU, YOU AND BARNEY
COME ON OVER
TO THE HOUSE TONIGHT
AND WE'LL TRY TO THINK
OF SOME WAY
TO KEEP HIM FROM SHOWING UP
AT THAT CONCERT.
WELL, ALL RIGHT, BUT HOW?
WELL, AFTER SUPPER,
WE'LL, WE'LL TAKE HIM IN
AND SET HIM DOWN,
AND TALK TO HIM --
REASON WITH HIM,
EXPLAIN IT ALL TO HIM --
THEN WE'LL TIE HIM UP
AND PUT HIM IN THE CLOSET.
YEAH, THAT WAS REALLY,
REALLY GOOD TO EAT, YEAH.
I BELIEVE I'LL HAVE
SOME MORE OF THAT COFFEE.
UH, HEY, BARN?
HUH?
THERE'S, UH...
THERE'S SOMETHING
WE'VE BEEN WANTING
TO TALK WITH YOU ABOUT.
SOMETHING WE'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT THE CHOIR.
AND I BET I KNOW
JUST WHAT IT IS.
THE WAY WE BEEN
SINGING GOOD OLD 14-A
LEAVES A LOT
TO BE DESIRED.
LISTEN, WHILE
WE'RE ALL HERE
WHY DON'T WE JUST GET IN
A LITTLE EXTRA PRACTICE?
WELL, THAT'S...
WELL, IT WOULDN'T
HURT NONE, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN,
NO MATTER HOW GOOD WE ARE
THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM
FOR IMPROVEMENT.
NONE OF US IS PERFECT.
COME ON, THELMA LOU
YOU CAN TICKLE
THE OLD IVORIES.
SET RIGHT DOWN
HERE NOW.
ONE THING ABOUT SINGING,
YOU NEVER GET TOO MUCH PRACTICE.
THAT'S WHAT MY VOICE TEACHER
USED TO SAY.
HERE IT IS.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
COME ON, COME ON!
THAT'S THE PLACE,
I BELIEVE.
ALL RIGHT.
* ME...ME...ME.
OKAY, EVERYBODY READY?
ALL RIGHT.
( Barney singing off-key ):
* WELCOME, SWEET SPRINGTIME
* WE GREET THEE IN SONG
SOMEBODY
SOUNDS TERRIBLE.
* MURMURS OF GLADNESS
FALL ON THE EAR *
IT'S BARNEY!
* VOICES LONG HUSHED
NOW THEIR FULL NOTES PROLONG *
HEY, HOLD IT.
HOLD IT!
DID SOMEBODY
HIT A SOUR NOTE?
WORSE THAN THAT.
OPEN UP YOUR MOUTH.
HUH?
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
I WANT TO SEE SOMETHING.
AH...
AH...
AH...
AH...
OH-OH.
OH-OH?
AUNT BEE
YOU AND THELMA LOU LOOK,
SEE IF YOU SEE IT.
OPEN UP. AH.
OH, IT'S ALL RED!
IT'S RED AS CAN BE.
IT IS?
YES. AND SWELLED UP.
OH, THERE'S A LUMP
IN THERE THAT BIG.
WELL, ANDY,
I DON'T FEEL SICK.
I MEAN, NOT VERY.
IT'S LIKELY
IT JUST STARTED.
YOU'LL BE FEELING
IT IN A FEW HOURS.
I THINK YOU BETTER GET TO BED.
GET TO BED?!
FOR HOW LONG?
I MEAN, THERE'S THE CONCERT
AND EVERYTHING!
OH, WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO
FORGET ABOUT THAT.
HUH? FORGET ABOUT IT?
NOT BE IN IT?
LEAVE YOU WITHOUT
A FIRST TENOR?
WELL, IT'LL BE
A BLOW TO THE GROUP.
BLOW TO THE GROUP,
THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT
BUT, WELL, IT
CAN'T BE HELPED.
BUT, ANDY, I THINK
I CAN MAKE IT.
BARNEY, YOU
HAVE TO THINK
OF THE OTHERS.
I MEAN, THEIR HEALTH --
THEIR HEALTH.
YOU HAVE TO THINK
OF THEIR HEALTH.
EVEN IF YOU
COULD MAKE IT
YOU WOULDN'T WANT
TO SPREAD YOUR GERMS
ALL OVER EVERYBODY ELSE,
WOULD YOU?
HONEY, I'LL
TAKE YOU HOME.
NOW GO ALONG
WITH HER, BARNEY.
AND DON'T YOU THINK
ABOUT THE CONCERT.
YOU JUST THINK
ABOUT GETTING WELL.
BUT TO BE
THIS CLOSE...
REST, BARNEY, REST.
( buzzing )
WHO COULD THAT BE
AT THIS HOUR?
I DON'T KNOW.
I RECKON I BETTER SEE,
HADN'T I?
BARNEY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
ANDY, I GOT GREAT NEWS!
MY THROAT AIN'T
SORE AFTER ALL.
HOW'D YOU FIND OUT?
HE INSISTED ON
STOPPING BY
DOC KRAVITS.
THIS WAS IMPORTANT.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LET
THE GROUP DOWN.
I FIGURED MAYBE
HE COULD GIVE ME
ONE OF THEM MIRACLE
DRUGS OR SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW WHAT
THE MIRACLE WAS?
THERE AIN'T NOTHING
WRONG WITH MY THROAT.
MY THROAT AIN'T
NO DIFFERENT THAN
ANYBODY ELSE'S.
THAT'S WHAT
THE DOC SAID.
GOOD OLD DOC.
YOU KNOW THAT
LUMP YOU SEEN?
THAT'S THE UVULA.
EVERYBODY'S GOT ONE.
DID YOU KNOW
YOU HAD A UVULA, ANDY?
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
GO ON, OPEN IT!
THERE'S THE
OLD UVULA.
SEE, YOU GOT A UVULA.
THEY GOT A UVULA.
I GOT A UVULA.
ALL GOD'S CHILDREN
GOT A UVULA.
HALLELUJAH.
IT'S JUST INCREDIBLE
HOW A MAN CAN SING SO FLAT
AND TALK SO NORMAL.
YUP.
SHAME BARNEY CAN'T
TALK HIS PART.
YEAH.
HI, EVERYBODY.
GEE, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
HOPE I DIDN'T
HOLD YOU UP.
WHY, NO, BARN.
MATTER OF FACT, WE
WAS JUST DISCUSSING
A NEW IDEA
THAT INVOLVES YOU.
OH, YEAH? SOMETHING
TO DO WITH THE GROUP?
YOU BETTER KNOW
IT HAS.
UH, WE'RE GOING
TO MAKE YOU SOLOIST.
RIGHT, JOHN?
SOLOIST?
YEAH.
SOLOIST? ME?
YEAH, AND YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE
YOUR OWN MICROPHONE
AND EVERYTHING!
I AM?
OH, YEAH.
WE HAVE TO KEEP YOU
WAY SEPARATE
FROM THE GROUP.
YOU DO?
YEAH. THAT'S SO
YOUR RECITATIONS
WILL STAND OUT.
MY RECITATIONS?
YEAH. THERE'S GOING
TO BE ONE IN EVERY NUMBER.
AND YOU'RE GOING
TO DO 'EM.
YOU MEAN I DON'T
GET TO SING?
I JUST TALK?
OH, IT WILL BE
SO EFFECTIVE.
WON'T IT?
( all agreeing )
EFFECTIVE!
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF ALL THIS SINGING
WILL COME
YOUR DRAMATIC VOICE...
SPEAKING YOUR PART.
WON'T THAT BE EFFECTIVE?
( all agreeing )
WELL, IF YOU'RE
ALL AGREED
I GUESS THE
LEAST I CAN DO
IS GIVE HER A TRY.
OH, GOOD, GOOD.
YOU STAND OVER HERE
KIND OF BY YOURSELF
AND WE'LL DO 14-A.
AND WHEN WE GET
TO THE SECOND VERSE
YOU TALK IT, RIGHT?
OKAY, GOOD OLD 14-A?
LET'S START AT
"VOICES LONG HUSHED."
ALL RIGHT, ANDY.
NOW, TALK.
HAZEL.
* VOICES LONG HUSHED
NOW THEIR FULL NOTES PROLONG *
* ECHOING FAR AND NEAR
( group humming )
"BALMY AND LIFE-BREATHING
BREEZES ARE BLOWING.
SWIFTLY TO NATURE,
NEW VIGOR BESTOWING."
* OH, HOW MY HEART
* BEATS WITH RAPTURE ANEW
HOLD IT!
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE TALKING.
OH, IT'S NO USE, ANDY.
CAN YOU TELL
A BIRD TO TALK?
CAN YOU TELL A BIRD
TO JUST GO CHIRP,
CHIRP, CHIRP?
NO, ANDY, I'M
LIKE A BIRD.
I WAS BORN TO SING.
BARNEY, BARNEY, BARNEY.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME
I GOT SOME THROAT SPRAY
IN THE CAR.
IF I'M DOING SOLOS
I BETTER GIVE MYSELF
A COUPLE SQUIRTS.
YOU STILL WANT TO
GO THROUGH WITH IT?
LET HIM SING SOLO?
NO, ANDY, NO.
WAIT A MINUTE,
JOHN.
IT'LL WORK.
IT COME TO ME YESTERDAY
WHEN I SAW BARNEY LISTENING
TO A PHONOGRAPH RECORD.
NOW, LISTEN.
BARNEY'LL DO THE SOLOS
ALL RIGHT.
BUT IT WON'T BE
WITH HIS VOICE.
YOU SEE, BARNEY,
HE'LL BE ON STAGE
SINGING INTO A DEAD MICROPHONE.
THE LIVE MICROPHONE
WILL BE BACKSTAGE
WITH GLEN CRIPE
SINGING INTO IT.
IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
BUT GLEN CRIPE
IS NOT A TENOR.
IT'LL WORK, JOHN.
HOW ARE YOU GOING
TO KEEP BARNEY QUIET?
EVEN THOUGH
HIS MICROPHONE IS DEAD
PEOPLE CAN
STILL HEAR HIM.
I ALREADY GOT THAT
WORKED OUT.
JUST LEAVE IT TO ME
AND DON'T WORRY.
THIS HERE IS A SOLO MICROPHONE.
VERY, VERY, SENSITIVE.
THIS THING WILL AMPLIFY
YOUR VOICE A THOUSAND TIMES.
REALLY STRONG, HUH?
STRONG? ( whistles )
YOU BLAST AWAY
AT THIS THING
AND YOU'LL BUST
EVERY EARDRUM
IN THE AUDITORIUM.
WHAT DO I DO?
YOU HAVE TO SING
REAL LOW, REAL LOW.
NOW TRY IT.
OKAY.
( clears throat )
* BALMY AND LIFE...
HOLD IT.
HOLD IT.
TOO LOUD. LOW.
* BALMY AND LIFE...
THAT'S STILL TOO LOUD,
BARNEY.
WHEN I MEAN LOW,
I MEAN REAL LOW.
IT DON'T TAKE MUCH
TO BE HEARD.
TRY IT AGAIN.
TRY IT AGAIN, OKAY.
* BALMY AND LIFE-BREATHING
BREEZES ARE BLOWING *
WAS THAT ALL RIGHT?
THAT'S STILL
TOO LOUD, BARNEY.
STILL WAY YONDER
TOO LOUD.
BELIEVE ME, NOW
TOMORROW NIGHT,
WHEN THIS MICROPHONE'S HOT
AND THE AMPLIFIERS
ARE AMPLIFYING
AND THE ACOUSTICS AND ALL...
WHY, I TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU JUST KEEP SINGING
SOFTER AND SOFTER
AND WHEN YOU GOT IT
ABOUT RIGHT
I'LL TELL YOU.
OKAY.
* BALMY AND LIFE...
* BALMY AND LIFE...
* BALMY AND...
* BALMY AND...
( no audio )
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S IT! YOU GOT IT!
NOW YOU DO IT
JUST LIKE THAT
AND YOU'LL COME
THROUGH FINE.
ANDY, I WAS BARELY
MAKING A SOUND.
YOU THINK YOU WAS
BARELY MAKING A SOUND
BUT TOMORROW NIGHT
WHEN THIS MICROPHONE'S ON
AND YOU SING LIKE THAT
YOUR GLORIOUS VOICE
WILL REVERBERATE
ALL THROUGH THIS HALL.
WON'T IT, GANG?
* WELCOME, SWEET SPRINGTIME,
WE GREET THEE IN SONG *
* MURMURS OF GLADNESS
FALL ON THE EAR *
* VOICES LONG HUSHED,
NOW THEIR FULL NOTES PROLONG *
* ECHOING FAR AND NEAR
* OOH
* SUNSHINE NOW WAKES
ALL THE FLOWERS FROM SLEEP *
* JOY-GIVING INCENSE
FLOATS ON THE AIR *
* SNOWDROPS AND PRIMROSE
BOTH TIMIDLY PEEP *
* PALING THE GLAD NEW YEAR
( deep voice ):
* BALMY AND LIFE-BREATHING
BREEZES ARE BLOWING *
* SWIFTLY TO NATURE,
NEW VIGOR BESTOWING *
* OH, HOW MY HEART BEATS
WITH RAPTURE ANEW *
* EARTH'S FAIREST BEAUTY
AGAIN MEETS MY VIEW *
* SUNSHINE NOW WAKES
ALL THE FLOWERS FROM SLEEP *
* JOY-GIVING INCENSE
FLOATS ON THE AIR *
* SNOWDROPS AND PRIMROSE
BOTH TIMIDLY PEEP *
* PALING THE GLAD NEW YEAR
* NEW YEAR *
YOU KNOW, ANDY...
I JUST CAN'T GET OVER
THAT STRANGE FEELING
I HAD LAST NIGHT --
WHEN I HEARD MY LITTLE VOICE
COMING OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER
BACK AT ME, I...
WELL, IT JUST DIDN'T
SOUND LIKE ME.
THAT'S COMMON.
IT IS?
SURE! EVER HEAR YOURSELF
ON TELEPHONE?
YOU WOULDN'T HARDLY
BELIEVE IT'S YOU.
YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL, IT SURE WAS A LUCKY DAY
ALL AROUND
WHEN THEY ASKED ME
TO JOIN THAT CHOIR.
I SURE AM GOING TO ENJOY
SINGING WITH THEM
DOWN THROUGH THE YEARS.
OH, UH, ABOUT THAT,
BARNEY, UH...
I'M AFRAID THAT
WON'T BE POSSIBLE.
HUH?
WELL, YOU KNOW THAT AWARD
THEY GIVE YOU
FOR BEING THE OUTSTANDING
PERFORMER?
YOU MEAN, THE $10
MERCHANDISE CERTIFICATE?
YEAH -- YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS, DON'T YOU?
THAT MEANS YOU ARE
A PROFESSIONAL SINGER.
WHAT?
THAT'S RIGHT,
THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY GIVE YOU REMUNERATION
FOR YOUR TALENT,
AND THAT MAKES YOU
A PROFESSIONAL SINGER,
AND YOU ARE NO LONGER ELIGIBLE
TO SING WITH THE AMATEUR RANKS.
NOT SING WITH THE CHOIR?
EVER? ANYMORE?
WELL, YOU WOULDN'T WANT
THE MAYBERRY CHOIR TO BE
DISQUALIFIED FROM STATE
COMPETITION, WOULD YOU?
WELL, NO! BUT...
WELL, THEN...
OH, GEE, ANDY, THIS COMES AS
DISAPPOINTING NEWS.
IN ONE WAY.
COURSE, IN ANOTHER WAY, IT COULD
BE A BLESSING IN DISGUISE.
I MEAN, IF THE DEPUTY SHERIFF
BUSINESS
EVER FALTERS, I'VE GOT
AN ACE IN THE HOLE.
YOU KNOW, I COULD MOVE RIGHT
OVER INTO THE SHOWBUSINESS.
YOU KNOW, SINGING AT WEDDINGS
AND FUNERALS.
OH, ABSOLUTELY, YEAH.
OF COURSE, IN CASE
THAT EVER HAPPENS,
I BETTER KEEP
THE OLD VOICE IN SHAPE!
* NITA
* JUANITA
* DA DA DA DA DA
DA DA *
YEAH?
ARE THEY THE NEW WANTED FLYERS
THAT COME IN FROM RALEIGH?
YEAH.
* NITA
UH, BARN?
ANYTHING INTERESTING IN 'EM,
LIKE, MAYBE, A SUSPECT
WE MIGHT FIND IN THE AREA?
NO.
* NITA
* DEE DEE DEE DA DA DA DA
Bee: LUNCH, EVERYBODY!
Andy: OH, HI, AUNT BEE!
HI, BOYS --
OH, I HOPE IT'S GOOD!
OH, IT'LL BE FINE.
I'LL GET WASHED UP.
AUNT BEE, BARNEY'S
BEEN SINGING AGAIN.
I DON'T KNOW
HOW HE DOES IT
BUT HE'S GOT A KNACK
OF HITTIN' A NOTE
JUST ENOUGH OFF
TO MAKE YOUR SKIN CRAWL.
OH, ANDY,
EVERYBODY CAN'T SING.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE
TOLERANT OF HIM.
Barney:
* NITA, JUANITA
* AH-DAH-DAH-DEE
DAH-DA-DA-DA *
HAVE A SANDWICH, BARNEY.
YEAH, FILL UP YOUR
MOUTH THERE, BARN.
EAT SLOW.
EAT A WHOLE LOT
AND EAT REAL SLOW.
ALL RIGHT.
( door opening )
WELL, HOWDY, JOHN.
Bee:
HELLO, JOHN.
HELLO, BEE.
Andy:
WELL, WHAT'S
THE TROUBLE?
ANDY, I'VE GOT
TO TALK TO YOU.
WELL, WON'T YOU
HAVE A SANDWICH?
NO. NO, THANK YOU.
ANDY, WE'VE GOT
A BIG PROBLEM WITH THE CHOIR.
WE HAVE?
RALPH PRITCHARD IS DROPPING OUT.
OH, NO.
NO, HE'S NOT.
YES, SIR --
WITH HIS NEW JOB OF HIS,
HE'S ON THE ROAD
TWO WEEKS OUT OF THREE
SO HE HAS TO STEP OUT.
WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE WE GOING
TO DO ABOUT A FIRST TENOR?
I JUST DON'T KNOW, ANDY.
Bee:
WHAT ABOUT FRED MASON?
WORKS NIGHTS,
CAN'T EVER MAKE PRACTICE.
AND WITH THAT CONCERT
COMING UP
WE NEED PLENTY
OF PRACTICE.
WE SURE DO THAT.
HOW ABOUT
RICK JACKSON?
MAYBE HE'S A TENOR
NOW THAT HE'S HAD
HIS TONSILS AND...
NO.
NO?
HE'S GOT THAT FOGHORN VOICE
EVEN WITH HIS PASSAGES
CLEARED OUT.
ORDINARILY,
IT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD.
I MEAN,
WE COULD GET BY
BUT YOU KNOW THE JUDGES OF THE
STATE CONTEST WILL BE THERE.
Andy:
THAT'S RIGHT.
YES, THEY WILL -- AND IF WE
DON'T MAKE A GOOD SHOWING
FOR THEM,
WE WON'T EVEN BE CONSIDERED
FOR THE FINALS AT ROANOKE.
Bee:
AFTER US WORKING
SO HARD ALL YEAR.
YEAH, IT'S TOUGH,
ALL RIGHT.
AS MY OLD VOICE TEACHER
USED TO SAY
A CHOIR
WITHOUT ITS TENOR
IS LIKE A STAR
WITHOUT ITS GLIMMER.
YOU KNOW WHO
USED TO SAY THAT?
MY OLD VOICE TEACHER.
THAT'S THE TEACHER I HAD
WHEN I STUDIED VOICE.
BARNEY, YOU HAVE
A TRAINED VOICE?
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU STUDIED SINGING.
OH, WELL,
JUST A LITTLE.
UH, JOHN...
ANDY, THIS COULD SOLVE
EVERYTHING FOR US!
BARNEY, WHAT PART DID YOU SING?
OH, FIRST TENOR.
OH, TENOR.
JOHN...
WELL, BARNEY, HOW ABOUT
YOU JOINING THE CHOIR?
ME?
SURE! WITH ALL
YOUR TRAINING
YOU'RE JUST WHAT
WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.
WELL, GOSH... GEE...
GOLLY,
I NEVER GAVE THAT MUCH THOUGHT.
DID YOU, ANDY?
NO, I SURE NEVER DID.
YOU NEED A TENOR, HUH?
OH, WITH THAT
CONCERT COMING UP
IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS,
WE'RE DESPERATE.
OH, WELL...
I GUESS I WOULDN'T BE
A VERY CIVIC-MINDED CITIZEN
IF I REFUSED, WOULD I?
YOU CAN COUNT
ON OLD BARN, JOHN.
I'LL STEP IN AND HELP YOU OUT --
WHEN'S PRACTICE?
PRACTICE IS TONIGHT
AT THE TOWN HALL.
AND YOU CAN COME
RIGHT ALONG WITH ANDY.
RIGHT, SHERIFF?
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
I'LL BRING HIM.
BARNEY, THAT'S
JUST WONDERFUL.
ISN'T THAT JUST
WONDERFUL, BEE?
YES.
BARNEY, SPEAKING
FOR THE WHOLE CHOIR,
WELCOME ABOARD.
WELL, THANK YOU, JOHN.
WAIT TILL THELMA LOU
HEARS ABOUT THIS.
SHE'LL BE THRILLED.
BARNEY'S GOING TO BE IN
THE CHOIR -- MY BARNEY?
THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT BARNEY CAN'T SING.
I KNOW.
HE'S A WARM, WONDERFUL PERSON
AND I LOVE HIM DEARLY,
BUT HE CAN'T SING.
THAT'S TRUE.
HE'S KIND,
CONSIDERATE
THE MOST GENTLE PERSON
I'VE EVER KNOWN
BUT HE CAN'T SING.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE'S THE MAN I WANT TO MARRY,
THE MAN I WANT TO BE THE FATHER
OF MY CHILDREN...
BUT HE CAN'T SING.
NOT A LICK.
WELL, I'M AFRAID HE'S GONNA SING
AND THERE'S NOTHING
WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
JOHN MASTERS ALREADY
WELCOMED HIM ABOARD.
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN
AT CHOIR PRACTICE TONIGHT?
WELL, I EXPECT EVERYBODY
WILL FIND OUT BARNEY CAN'T SING.
NOT A LICK.
PLEASE TURN TO NUMBER 14-A
FOR OUR FIRST SELECTION.
READY? HAZEL?
( Barney singing off-key):
* WELCOME, SWEET SPRINGTIME
* WE GREET THEE IN SONG...
OH, OH... SHH.
FOLKS, I THINK I DETECTED
A LITTLE FLAT NOTE THERE.
WELL, PERHAPS
I'M MISTAKEN.
BUT LET'S JUST TRY IT
AGAIN, SHALL WE?
HAZEL...
* WELCOME, SWEET SPRINGTIME
* WE GREET THEE IN SONG...
NO, NO, NO, NO.
SHH. FOLKS...
I DEFINITELY HEARD IT
THIS TIME.
SOMEONE IS DEFINITELY
SINGING OFF-KEY.
NOW, LET'S JUST WATCH IT,
SHALL WE?
HAZEL...
( whispering ):
EXCUSE ME.
WHAT?
MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU OUT.
I'LL SORT OF MOVE AROUND,
SEE IF I CAN SPOT WHO IT IS.
VERY GOOD, BARNEY.
HAZEL...
( off-key )
* WELCOME, SWEET SPRINGTIME
* WE GREET THEE IN SONG
* MURMURS OF GLADNESS
* FALL ON THE EAR
* VOICES LONG HUSHED
NOW THEIR FULL NOTES PROLONG *
( others stop singing )
* ECHOING FAR AND NEAR...
I THINK YOU CUT OUT
A LITTLE TOO SOON.
I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE
TO SPOT WHO IT WAS.
KEEP IT GOING.
YOU SURE HE DIDN'T
FOLLOW YOU?
OH, NO.
AFTER HE TOOK ME HOME,
I WAITED TILL HE DROVE OFF
AND THEN JUST TO MAKE SURE,
I SLIPPED OUT THE BACK WAY.
GOOD.
WELL, THELMA LOU,
I GUESS YOU KNOW
WHY I CALLED THIS
EMERGENCY MEETING.
I'M GOING TO TELL BARNEY FIFE
TO GET OUT OF THE CHOIR.
NOW, JOHN, YOU CAN'T
KICK HIM OUT
THE VERY DAY
YOU ASKED HIM TO JOIN.
I'VE GOT TO, ANDY,
OR HE'LL RUIN THE CHOIR.
WELL, THERE'S BOUND
TO BE ANOTHER WAY.
UH, THELMA LOU,
YOU'RE HIS GIRL...
OH, NO, I-I COULDN'T.
AUNT BEE, HE LIKES YOU.
WELL, WHY ME?
ANDY, YOU'RE HIS FRIEND.
OH, NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
THEN I'LL TELL HIM.
NO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT, JOHN.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?
MAYBE HE'LL FALL DOWN
AND BREAK HIS MOUTH.
( doorbell rings )
Andy:
HI, JOHN.
HI. COME ON IN.
HOW ARE YOU?
HI, GANG.
All:
HI.
BOY, YOU SURE DID WAIT
TILL THE LAST MINUTE
TO CHANGE THE MEETING
PLACE. HOW COME?
WE FIGURED WE HAD
TO HAVE ONE PRACTICE
WITHOUT BARNEY
SO'S WE GET AN IDEA
OF WHERE WE'RE GOING.
THE POOR BOY.
HE'LL BE EXPECTING US
ALL OVER AT TOWN HALL.
THAT'S THE TRUTH.
WELL, I HAD
TO DO SOMETHING.
DO YOU REALIZE THAT CONCERT
IS A WEEK FROM TONIGHT
AND WE HAVEN'T SUNG
ONE NUMBER THROUGH ON KEY.
( all agreeing )
WELL, OF COURSE,
THERE'S ALWAYS
THE ALTERNATIVE.
I COULD TELL HIM
TO HIS FACE.
NO...
OH, NO.
DON'T DO THAT.
WE'LL DO IT.
THEN LET'S BEGIN,
SHALL WE?
BEE...
THELMA LOU...
ANDY...
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT NOW.
NOW, EVERYBODY -- 14-A,
FROM THE BEGINNING.
EVERYBODY READY?
NOW A NICE GROUP, PLEASE...
NICE GROUP.
READY?
HAZEL...
( playing introduction )
* WELCOME, SWEET SPRINGTIME
* WE GREET THEE IN SONG
* MURMURS OF GLADNESS
FALL ON THE EAR *
* VOICES LONG HUSHED
* NOW THEIR FULL NOTES
PROLONG... *
( doorbell ringing repeatedly )
( doorbell continues ringing )
HI, JOHN.
HI, EVERYBODY.
HI, BARN.
GEE, YOU CHANGED THE
MEETIN' PLACE, HUH?
GOLLY, IT'S A LUCKY THING
I TURNED DOWN ELM STREET
AND HEARD THE SINGING.
NEXT TIME YOU CHANGE
THE MEETING PLACE
YOU OUGHT TO LET
A FELLA KNOW.
WHO'S THE PHONE COMMITTEE?
OH, UH, DIDN'T ANYBODY
CALL YOU, BARN?
NO, THEY DIDN'T.
I'M SORRY, BARNEY.
I DON'T KNOW HOW
THAT OVERSIGHT CAME ABOUT.
WELL, NO HARM DONE.
ALL'S WELL
THAT ENDS WELL.
HERE I AM.
LET'S GET STARTED.
OH, GOOD OLD 14-A.
( clearing throat )
( humming )
* ME-ME-ME-ME
* ME-ME-ME-ME, AAAH...
OKAY.
HAZEL...
( piano introduction )
* WELCOME, SWEET SPRINGTIME
* WE GREET THEE IN SONG
( off-key )
* MURMURS OF GLADNESS...
I'M SORRY, ANDY,
BUT MY MIND IS MADE UP.
THIS CANNOT GO ON.
THE CONCERT IS
DAY AFTER TOMORROW
AND I WILL NOT
HAVE IT RUINED
BY THAT
CATERWAULING TENOR.
WELL?
WHAT'S IT TO BE?
YOU OR ME?
ALL RIGHT, JOHN,
IF IT'S GOT TO BE DONE
I GUESS IT'S
OUR PLACE TO DO IT.
THELMA LOU, YOU AND BARNEY
COME ON OVER
TO THE HOUSE TONIGHT
AND WE'LL TRY TO THINK
OF SOME WAY
TO KEEP HIM FROM SHOWING UP
AT THAT CONCERT.
WELL, ALL RIGHT, BUT HOW?
WELL, AFTER SUPPER,
WE'LL, WE'LL TAKE HIM IN
AND SET HIM DOWN,
AND TALK TO HIM --
REASON WITH HIM,
EXPLAIN IT ALL TO HIM --
THEN WE'LL TIE HIM UP
AND PUT HIM IN THE CLOSET.
YEAH, THAT WAS REALLY,
REALLY GOOD TO EAT, YEAH.
I BELIEVE I'LL HAVE
SOME MORE OF THAT COFFEE.
UH, HEY, BARN?
HUH?
THERE'S, UH...
THERE'S SOMETHING
WE'VE BEEN WANTING
TO TALK WITH YOU ABOUT.
SOMETHING WE'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT THE CHOIR.
AND I BET I KNOW
JUST WHAT IT IS.
THE WAY WE BEEN
SINGING GOOD OLD 14-A
LEAVES A LOT
TO BE DESIRED.
LISTEN, WHILE
WE'RE ALL HERE
WHY DON'T WE JUST GET IN
A LITTLE EXTRA PRACTICE?
WELL, THAT'S...
WELL, IT WOULDN'T
HURT NONE, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN,
NO MATTER HOW GOOD WE ARE
THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM
FOR IMPROVEMENT.
NONE OF US IS PERFECT.
COME ON, THELMA LOU
YOU CAN TICKLE
THE OLD IVORIES.
SET RIGHT DOWN
HERE NOW.
ONE THING ABOUT SINGING,
YOU NEVER GET TOO MUCH PRACTICE.
THAT'S WHAT MY VOICE TEACHER
USED TO SAY.
HERE IT IS.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
COME ON, COME ON!
THAT'S THE PLACE,
I BELIEVE.
ALL RIGHT.
* ME...ME...ME.
OKAY, EVERYBODY READY?
ALL RIGHT.
( Barney singing off-key ):
* WELCOME, SWEET SPRINGTIME
* WE GREET THEE IN SONG
SOMEBODY
SOUNDS TERRIBLE.
* MURMURS OF GLADNESS
FALL ON THE EAR *
IT'S BARNEY!
* VOICES LONG HUSHED
NOW THEIR FULL NOTES PROLONG *
HEY, HOLD IT.
HOLD IT!
DID SOMEBODY
HIT A SOUR NOTE?
WORSE THAN THAT.
OPEN UP YOUR MOUTH.
HUH?
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
I WANT TO SEE SOMETHING.
AH...
AH...
AH...
AH...
OH-OH.
OH-OH?
AUNT BEE
YOU AND THELMA LOU LOOK,
SEE IF YOU SEE IT.
OPEN UP. AH.
OH, IT'S ALL RED!
IT'S RED AS CAN BE.
IT IS?
YES. AND SWELLED UP.
OH, THERE'S A LUMP
IN THERE THAT BIG.
WELL, ANDY,
I DON'T FEEL SICK.
I MEAN, NOT VERY.
IT'S LIKELY
IT JUST STARTED.
YOU'LL BE FEELING
IT IN A FEW HOURS.
I THINK YOU BETTER GET TO BED.
GET TO BED?!
FOR HOW LONG?
I MEAN, THERE'S THE CONCERT
AND EVERYTHING!
OH, WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO
FORGET ABOUT THAT.
HUH? FORGET ABOUT IT?
NOT BE IN IT?
LEAVE YOU WITHOUT
A FIRST TENOR?
WELL, IT'LL BE
A BLOW TO THE GROUP.
BLOW TO THE GROUP,
THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT
BUT, WELL, IT
CAN'T BE HELPED.
BUT, ANDY, I THINK
I CAN MAKE IT.
BARNEY, YOU
HAVE TO THINK
OF THE OTHERS.
I MEAN, THEIR HEALTH --
THEIR HEALTH.
YOU HAVE TO THINK
OF THEIR HEALTH.
EVEN IF YOU
COULD MAKE IT
YOU WOULDN'T WANT
TO SPREAD YOUR GERMS
ALL OVER EVERYBODY ELSE,
WOULD YOU?
HONEY, I'LL
TAKE YOU HOME.
NOW GO ALONG
WITH HER, BARNEY.
AND DON'T YOU THINK
ABOUT THE CONCERT.
YOU JUST THINK
ABOUT GETTING WELL.
BUT TO BE
THIS CLOSE...
REST, BARNEY, REST.
( buzzing )
WHO COULD THAT BE
AT THIS HOUR?
I DON'T KNOW.
I RECKON I BETTER SEE,
HADN'T I?
BARNEY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
ANDY, I GOT GREAT NEWS!
MY THROAT AIN'T
SORE AFTER ALL.
HOW'D YOU FIND OUT?
HE INSISTED ON
STOPPING BY
DOC KRAVITS.
THIS WAS IMPORTANT.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LET
THE GROUP DOWN.
I FIGURED MAYBE
HE COULD GIVE ME
ONE OF THEM MIRACLE
DRUGS OR SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW WHAT
THE MIRACLE WAS?
THERE AIN'T NOTHING
WRONG WITH MY THROAT.
MY THROAT AIN'T
NO DIFFERENT THAN
ANYBODY ELSE'S.
THAT'S WHAT
THE DOC SAID.
GOOD OLD DOC.
YOU KNOW THAT
LUMP YOU SEEN?
THAT'S THE UVULA.
EVERYBODY'S GOT ONE.
DID YOU KNOW
YOU HAD A UVULA, ANDY?
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
GO ON, OPEN IT!
THERE'S THE
OLD UVULA.
SEE, YOU GOT A UVULA.
THEY GOT A UVULA.
I GOT A UVULA.
ALL GOD'S CHILDREN
GOT A UVULA.
HALLELUJAH.
IT'S JUST INCREDIBLE
HOW A MAN CAN SING SO FLAT
AND TALK SO NORMAL.
YUP.
SHAME BARNEY CAN'T
TALK HIS PART.
YEAH.
HI, EVERYBODY.
GEE, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
HOPE I DIDN'T
HOLD YOU UP.
WHY, NO, BARN.
MATTER OF FACT, WE
WAS JUST DISCUSSING
A NEW IDEA
THAT INVOLVES YOU.
OH, YEAH? SOMETHING
TO DO WITH THE GROUP?
YOU BETTER KNOW
IT HAS.
UH, WE'RE GOING
TO MAKE YOU SOLOIST.
RIGHT, JOHN?
SOLOIST?
YEAH.
SOLOIST? ME?
YEAH, AND YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE
YOUR OWN MICROPHONE
AND EVERYTHING!
I AM?
OH, YEAH.
WE HAVE TO KEEP YOU
WAY SEPARATE
FROM THE GROUP.
YOU DO?
YEAH. THAT'S SO
YOUR RECITATIONS
WILL STAND OUT.
MY RECITATIONS?
YEAH. THERE'S GOING
TO BE ONE IN EVERY NUMBER.
AND YOU'RE GOING
TO DO 'EM.
YOU MEAN I DON'T
GET TO SING?
I JUST TALK?
OH, IT WILL BE
SO EFFECTIVE.
WON'T IT?
( all agreeing )
EFFECTIVE!
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF ALL THIS SINGING
WILL COME
YOUR DRAMATIC VOICE...
SPEAKING YOUR PART.
WON'T THAT BE EFFECTIVE?
( all agreeing )
WELL, IF YOU'RE
ALL AGREED
I GUESS THE
LEAST I CAN DO
IS GIVE HER A TRY.
OH, GOOD, GOOD.
YOU STAND OVER HERE
KIND OF BY YOURSELF
AND WE'LL DO 14-A.
AND WHEN WE GET
TO THE SECOND VERSE
YOU TALK IT, RIGHT?
OKAY, GOOD OLD 14-A?
LET'S START AT
"VOICES LONG HUSHED."
ALL RIGHT, ANDY.
NOW, TALK.
HAZEL.
* VOICES LONG HUSHED
NOW THEIR FULL NOTES PROLONG *
* ECHOING FAR AND NEAR
( group humming )
"BALMY AND LIFE-BREATHING
BREEZES ARE BLOWING.
SWIFTLY TO NATURE,
NEW VIGOR BESTOWING."
* OH, HOW MY HEART
* BEATS WITH RAPTURE ANEW
HOLD IT!
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE TALKING.
OH, IT'S NO USE, ANDY.
CAN YOU TELL
A BIRD TO TALK?
CAN YOU TELL A BIRD
TO JUST GO CHIRP,
CHIRP, CHIRP?
NO, ANDY, I'M
LIKE A BIRD.
I WAS BORN TO SING.
BARNEY, BARNEY, BARNEY.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME
I GOT SOME THROAT SPRAY
IN THE CAR.
IF I'M DOING SOLOS
I BETTER GIVE MYSELF
A COUPLE SQUIRTS.
YOU STILL WANT TO
GO THROUGH WITH IT?
LET HIM SING SOLO?
NO, ANDY, NO.
WAIT A MINUTE,
JOHN.
IT'LL WORK.
IT COME TO ME YESTERDAY
WHEN I SAW BARNEY LISTENING
TO A PHONOGRAPH RECORD.
NOW, LISTEN.
BARNEY'LL DO THE SOLOS
ALL RIGHT.
BUT IT WON'T BE
WITH HIS VOICE.
YOU SEE, BARNEY,
HE'LL BE ON STAGE
SINGING INTO A DEAD MICROPHONE.
THE LIVE MICROPHONE
WILL BE BACKSTAGE
WITH GLEN CRIPE
SINGING INTO IT.
IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
BUT GLEN CRIPE
IS NOT A TENOR.
IT'LL WORK, JOHN.
HOW ARE YOU GOING
TO KEEP BARNEY QUIET?
EVEN THOUGH
HIS MICROPHONE IS DEAD
PEOPLE CAN
STILL HEAR HIM.
I ALREADY GOT THAT
WORKED OUT.
JUST LEAVE IT TO ME
AND DON'T WORRY.
THIS HERE IS A SOLO MICROPHONE.
VERY, VERY, SENSITIVE.
THIS THING WILL AMPLIFY
YOUR VOICE A THOUSAND TIMES.
REALLY STRONG, HUH?
STRONG? ( whistles )
YOU BLAST AWAY
AT THIS THING
AND YOU'LL BUST
EVERY EARDRUM
IN THE AUDITORIUM.
WHAT DO I DO?
YOU HAVE TO SING
REAL LOW, REAL LOW.
NOW TRY IT.
OKAY.
( clears throat )
* BALMY AND LIFE...
HOLD IT.
HOLD IT.
TOO LOUD. LOW.
* BALMY AND LIFE...
THAT'S STILL TOO LOUD,
BARNEY.
WHEN I MEAN LOW,
I MEAN REAL LOW.
IT DON'T TAKE MUCH
TO BE HEARD.
TRY IT AGAIN.
TRY IT AGAIN, OKAY.
* BALMY AND LIFE-BREATHING
BREEZES ARE BLOWING *
WAS THAT ALL RIGHT?
THAT'S STILL
TOO LOUD, BARNEY.
STILL WAY YONDER
TOO LOUD.
BELIEVE ME, NOW
TOMORROW NIGHT,
WHEN THIS MICROPHONE'S HOT
AND THE AMPLIFIERS
ARE AMPLIFYING
AND THE ACOUSTICS AND ALL...
WHY, I TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU JUST KEEP SINGING
SOFTER AND SOFTER
AND WHEN YOU GOT IT
ABOUT RIGHT
I'LL TELL YOU.
OKAY.
* BALMY AND LIFE...
* BALMY AND LIFE...
* BALMY AND...
* BALMY AND...
( no audio )
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S IT! YOU GOT IT!
NOW YOU DO IT
JUST LIKE THAT
AND YOU'LL COME
THROUGH FINE.
ANDY, I WAS BARELY
MAKING A SOUND.
YOU THINK YOU WAS
BARELY MAKING A SOUND
BUT TOMORROW NIGHT
WHEN THIS MICROPHONE'S ON
AND YOU SING LIKE THAT
YOUR GLORIOUS VOICE
WILL REVERBERATE
ALL THROUGH THIS HALL.
WON'T IT, GANG?
* WELCOME, SWEET SPRINGTIME,
WE GREET THEE IN SONG *
* MURMURS OF GLADNESS
FALL ON THE EAR *
* VOICES LONG HUSHED,
NOW THEIR FULL NOTES PROLONG *
* ECHOING FAR AND NEAR
* OOH
* SUNSHINE NOW WAKES
ALL THE FLOWERS FROM SLEEP *
* JOY-GIVING INCENSE
FLOATS ON THE AIR *
* SNOWDROPS AND PRIMROSE
BOTH TIMIDLY PEEP *
* PALING THE GLAD NEW YEAR
( deep voice ):
* BALMY AND LIFE-BREATHING
BREEZES ARE BLOWING *
* SWIFTLY TO NATURE,
NEW VIGOR BESTOWING *
* OH, HOW MY HEART BEATS
WITH RAPTURE ANEW *
* EARTH'S FAIREST BEAUTY
AGAIN MEETS MY VIEW *
* SUNSHINE NOW WAKES
ALL THE FLOWERS FROM SLEEP *
* JOY-GIVING INCENSE
FLOATS ON THE AIR *
* SNOWDROPS AND PRIMROSE
BOTH TIMIDLY PEEP *
* PALING THE GLAD NEW YEAR
* NEW YEAR *
YOU KNOW, ANDY...
I JUST CAN'T GET OVER
THAT STRANGE FEELING
I HAD LAST NIGHT --
WHEN I HEARD MY LITTLE VOICE
COMING OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER
BACK AT ME, I...
WELL, IT JUST DIDN'T
SOUND LIKE ME.
THAT'S COMMON.
IT IS?
SURE! EVER HEAR YOURSELF
ON TELEPHONE?
YOU WOULDN'T HARDLY
BELIEVE IT'S YOU.
YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL, IT SURE WAS A LUCKY DAY
ALL AROUND
WHEN THEY ASKED ME
TO JOIN THAT CHOIR.
I SURE AM GOING TO ENJOY
SINGING WITH THEM
DOWN THROUGH THE YEARS.
OH, UH, ABOUT THAT,
BARNEY, UH...
I'M AFRAID THAT
WON'T BE POSSIBLE.
HUH?
WELL, YOU KNOW THAT AWARD
THEY GIVE YOU
FOR BEING THE OUTSTANDING
PERFORMER?
YOU MEAN, THE $10
MERCHANDISE CERTIFICATE?
YEAH -- YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS, DON'T YOU?
THAT MEANS YOU ARE
A PROFESSIONAL SINGER.
WHAT?
THAT'S RIGHT,
THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY GIVE YOU REMUNERATION
FOR YOUR TALENT,
AND THAT MAKES YOU
A PROFESSIONAL SINGER,
AND YOU ARE NO LONGER ELIGIBLE
TO SING WITH THE AMATEUR RANKS.
NOT SING WITH THE CHOIR?
EVER? ANYMORE?
WELL, YOU WOULDN'T WANT
THE MAYBERRY CHOIR TO BE
DISQUALIFIED FROM STATE
COMPETITION, WOULD YOU?
WELL, NO! BUT...
WELL, THEN...
OH, GEE, ANDY, THIS COMES AS
DISAPPOINTING NEWS.
IN ONE WAY.
COURSE, IN ANOTHER WAY, IT COULD
BE A BLESSING IN DISGUISE.
I MEAN, IF THE DEPUTY SHERIFF
BUSINESS
EVER FALTERS, I'VE GOT
AN ACE IN THE HOLE.
YOU KNOW, I COULD MOVE RIGHT
OVER INTO THE SHOWBUSINESS.
YOU KNOW, SINGING AT WEDDINGS
AND FUNERALS.
OH, ABSOLUTELY, YEAH.
OF COURSE, IN CASE
THAT EVER HAPPENS,
I BETTER KEEP
THE OLD VOICE IN SHAPE!
* NITA
* JUANITA
* DA DA DA DA DA
DA DA *