The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 1, Episode 21 - Andy and the Gentleman Crook - full transcript
The state police call and want to leave "Gentleman Dan" Caldwell in the Mayberry jail for a day or two pending his extradition to Atlanta. Barney quickly cleans up the place and kicks Otis out in preparation for their important prisoner. Caldwell soon arrives and in no time has Barney and Aunt Bee eating out of his hand with his compliments and polite manner, and Opie would rather listen to the crook's stories than his own father's. While playing cards with Barney, Caldwell takes his gun and when he is about to lock Aunt Bee and Opie in the cell with Barney in an attempt to escape Andy walks in and foils his plan.
WHAT HAPPENED THEN,
PAW?
AND THEN THE OLD GIANT
COME IN,
AND HE SAYS,
"FI-FIE-FO-FUM,
I SMELL THE BLOOD
OF AN ENGLISHMAN."
HI, BOYS.
OH, HEY, AUNT BEE.
ARE YOU FINISHED?
YES, WE GOT DONE.
I'M JUST FINISHING TELLING OPIE
A LITTLE TALE HERE.
GIANT SAYS,
"FI-FIE-FO-FUM,
I SMELL THE BLOOD
OF AN ENGLISHMAN."
SAYS, "BE HE ALIVE
OR BE HE DEAD,
I'LL GRIND HIS BONES
TO EAT WITH MY PONES."
THAT OLD GIANT'S WIFE SAYS,
"YOU DON'T SMELL NOTHING
BUT THAT POSSUM YOU BROUGHT
IN HERE YESTERDAY."
THE OLD GIANT, HE SAYS,
"YOU RECKON POSSUM SMELLS
LIKE AN ENGLISHMAN?"
AND SHE SAYS, "I RECKON."
AND THE OLD GIANT
WENT ON TO SLEEP.
AND THAT'S WHEN JACK
GRABBED THAT GOLDEN HARP
AND RUN FOR IT.
AND JACK CLIMBED DOWN
THAT BEAN TREE
BEFORE THE OLD GIANT
COULD GET TO HIM,
AND WHEN HE GOT
TO THE BOTTOM,
HE HIT IT A LICK OR TWO
WITH HIS AX,
AND CRASH COME DOWN
THE BEAN TREE.
AND THE OLD GIANT WAS STRETCHED
ACROSS THREE COUNTIES.
DEAD?
THOROUGHLY AND EVERLASTINGLY
EXPIRED.
BOY! TELL ME ANOTHER ONE,
PAW.
TELL YOU NO MORE NOTHING.
YOU'VE GOT TO GO
BACK TO SCHOOL.
NOW MARCH!
THAT WAS A FINE DINNER,
AUNT BEE -- OUTSTANDING.
YEAH, YOU KEEP FEEDING US
LIKE THAT,
NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
THEY'LL BE CALLING ME "PORKY."
IT'S POSSIBLE.
WELL,
I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT.
YEAH, WE'RE LIABLE
TO KEEP YOU ON, AUNT BEE.
WHY, THANK YOU, ANDY.
BYE!
Aunt Bee and Opie:
BYE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GUN-DRAWING PRACTICE.
TEN MINUTES EVERY DAY.
IF I EVER HAVE TO USE THIS BABY
I WANT IT TO COME TO PAPA
IN A HURRY.
NOW, WATCH THIS.
SAY SOMEBODY
JUST SNEAKED IN
THE BACK DOOR
AND HE'S TOLD ME
TO REACH.
NOW YOU SAY "REACH."
I AIN'T GOT TIME
TO PLAY GAMES.
I'VE GOT
WORK TO DO.
OH, COME ON,
TELL ME TO REACH.
OKAY, REACH.
BARNEY!
I'M SORRY, ANDY.
BARNEY,
YOU PROMISED.
HEY...
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE QUIET
AROUND HERE, FELLAS?
BARNEY, YOU
PROMISED ME
WHEN I GAVE YOU
THAT BULLET
YOU'D KEEP IT IN
YOUR SHIRT POCKET.
NOW, WHY'D YOU
TAKE IT OUT?
WELL, I'M SORRY, ANDY.
DOGGONE IT, THAT BULLET
WAS TURNING GREEN IN MY POCKET.
I THOUGHT IT'D KEEP BETTER
IN THE GUN.
BARNEY...
AND BESIDES, I'VE ALREADY LOST
TWO BULLETS IN THE LAUNDRY.
BARNEY, I'M SCARED
TO GIVE YOU ANY MORE BULLETS.
YOU COME VERY NEAR
SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FOOT.
YOU KNOW THERE AIN'T EXACTLY
MUCH OF A CALL
FOR ONE-LEGGED DEPUTIES.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
AW, I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
I GUESS I DON'T DESERVE
A BULLET.
I GUESS ALL I DESERVE
IS AN EMPTY GUN.
NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
I-I-I'LL GIVE YOU
ONE MORE BULLET.
BUT YOU HAVE GOT TO PROMISE ME
THAT YOU'LL KEEP IT
IN YOUR SHIRT POCKET.
NOW, DO YOU PROMISE?
YEAH, I PROMISE.
AND ONE
OTHER THING.
WHEN YOU SEND THAT SHIRT
TO THE LAUNDRY, UNLOAD.
ANOTHER THING
YOU DID--
YOU WOKE UP OUR ONE
AND ONLY PRISONER.
HERE. FILE THESE,
WILL YOU?
WELL, HE SURE WENT
BACK TO SLEEP IN A HURRY.
BOY, THAT OTIS SURE
TIED ONE ON LAST NIGHT.
SOME MEN JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW TO BEGIN TO DRINK.
OH, HE KNOWS HOW
TO BEGIN, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S THE QUITTING PART
HE AIN'T CAUGHT ON TO.
[ PHONE RINGING ]
HELLO?
SHERIFF'S OFFICE.
SHERIFF TAYLOR SPEAKING.
OH, HELLO, SERGEANT.
HOW ARE YOU?
FINE.
WELL, SURE, SURE.
GLAD TO HELP YOU OUT.
WHAT, WHAT'S
THE PRISONER'S NAME?
WELL, I'LL BE DOGGED.
OF COURSE
I'VE HEARD OF HIM.
WE'LL BE LOOKING FOR YOU.
BYE.
WELL, BARNEY...
LOOKS LIKE MAYBERRY JAIL'S
GOING TO PLAY HOST
TO AN OUTSTANDING
LAW-BREAKER.
YEAH? WHO?
DID YOU EVER HEAR
OF DAN CALDWELL?
DA...?
DAN CALDWELL?
GENTLEMAN DAN?
THE FORGER?
THE SWINDLER?
THE CONFIDENCE MAN?
YEAH, BOY.
HE'S GOING TO BE
RIGHT HERE
IN OUR LITTLE
BITTY OLD JAIL.
NO. YOU'RE JUST
SAYING THAT.
NO, SIR. THE STATE
POLICE PICKED HIM UP
AND WANT TO LEAVE HIM HERE
A COUPLE DAYS
TILL THEY EXTRADITE
HIM TO ATLANTA.
DAN CALDWELL...
IS-IS COMING HERE?
AW, COME ON.
YOU'RE PULLING
MY LEG.
I AM NOT.
THEY CALLED ME.
DAN CALDWELL?
DAN CALDWELL'S
COMING HERE?
LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
IT'S A MESS!
THIS CELL
IS SO DRAB, ANDY.
SAY, MAYBE WE CAN
CASTLE-MINE THE CEILING, HUH?
OH, I GOT SOME
SUMMER DRAPES AT HOME
WE AIN'T USING.
ANDY, LISTEN.
WE COULD RENT A FLOOR WAXER.
IT'LL ONLY COST 50 CENTS.
[ COUGHING ]
SLOW DOWN, BARNEY.
YOU'RE BUSIER THAN A COW'S TAIL
IN FLY SEASON.
CALDWELL'S JUST
ANOTHER PRISONER--
A COMMON
CRIMINAL.
AW, COME ON, ANDY.
GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT'S DUE.
DAN CALDWELL'S BEEN
IN JUST ABOUT
EVERY NAME PENITENTIARY
IN THE COUNTRY.
HE'S AN IMPORTANT MAN.
NOW WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?
I FIGURE THIS PICTURE
OF THE OCEAN
WILL MAKE MR. CALDWELL
FEEL AT HOME.
IT'LL REMIND HIM
OF ALCATRAZ.
ALL THIS FUSS OVER A CRIMINAL?
HE'S A BIG MAN.
LET'S FACE IT.
AW, WE GOT TO GET RID
OF OTIS.
WHAT?!
AW, COME ON.
WE CAN'T HAVE A HIGH-CLASS MAN
LIKE DAN CALDWELL
IN THE NEXT CELL
TO A COMMON DRUNK.
BARNEY...
WELL, OTIS HAS HAD
A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
TIME HE WENT
HOME ANYWAY.
ALL RIGHT, OTIS,
WAKE UP.
COME ON, OTIS!
GET UP!
OH...
I'M GLAD YOU'RE
HERE, DEPUTY.
I HAVE A ROBBERY
TO REPORT.
MY BLANKET'S
BEEN STOLEN.
WE AIN'T GOT
TIME FOR THAT.
YOU HAVE TO GO.
BUT MY TIME ISN'T UP.
IT'S UP, IT'S UP.
NOW, GO ON. GO!
BUT I HAVEN'T HAD
MY BREAKFAST.
WE'LL OWE YOU ONE.
SO LONG, OTIS.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
WITH THESE KIND
OF ACCOMMODATIONS
I JUST MIGHT NOT
COME BACK.
GO, GO, GO, GO,
GO, GO, GO.
WELL, IS EVERYTHING IN ORDER
FOR OUR CELEBRATED PRISONER?
WE HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN
ANYTHING, HAVE WE?
UH...
ANDY...
YEAH?
MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO...
PUT ON A TIE.
THIS PLACE AIN'T BEEN
SO CLEAN
SINCE THE BOILER BUSTED
AND FLOODED THE PLACE.
[ SIREN WAILING ]
IT'S HIM! HE'S HERE!
IT'S CALDWELL.
HOW DO I LOOK?
UH, I THINK YOU
OUGHT TO HAVE WORN
STRIPED BRITCHES
AND A CUTAWAY.
UH-HUH.
[ SIREN WINDING DOWN ]
MORNIN', ANDY.
HOW YOU DOIN'?
GOOD TRIP?
FINE.
GOOD.
IF YOU JUST SIGN
THE PAPERS...
ALL RIGHT.
Y'ALL HAD A LITTLE RAIN
AT THE CAPITOL.
OUR CREEK FLOODED OVER.
WELL, YOU BETTER
WATCH THAT MUDDY WATER.
WELL, HE'S
ALL YOURS, ANDY.
OH, UH, SERGEANT.
I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU
THAT I THOROUGHLY
ENJOYED OUR BRIEF
ACQUAINTANCE.
HERE, HAVE A CIGAR.
THESE ARE SPECIALLY
MADE FOR ME BY A
LITTLE MAN IN TAMPA.
WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.
SEE YOU, ANDY.
I'LL SEE YA, SERGEANT.
WELL, MR. CALDWELL
I'M, UH, SHERIFF TAYLOR.
IF YOU'LL COOPERATE
NO REASON WHY WE CAN'T
MAKE THIS A PLEASANT VISIT.
ANDY?
HMM?
OH, THIS IS MY DEPUTY,
BARNEY FIFE.
SURE IS A PLEASURE
TO MAKE YOUR
ACQUAINTANCE, SIR.
ALL RIGHT, BARNEY.
WANT TO ESCORT MR. CALDWELL
TO HIS QUARTERS?
OH, YEAH.
UH, RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR.
EXCUSE ME.
HERE YOU ARE.
OH.
YOU KNOW, I'VE HAD
THE OPPORTUNITY
TO, UH, VISIT
MANY OF OUR FOREMOST
PENAL INSTITUTIONS.
AND WHILE THIS ONE
IS NOT EXACTLY LARGE,
I MUST SAY IT HAS
A CERTAIN INFORMAL CHARM
OF ITS OWN.
I CERTAINLY AM GLAD YOU LIKE IT,
MR. CALDWELL.
THAT REALLY DOES
TAKE A LOAD OFF OF MY MIND.
WOULD YOU COME
OUT NOW, DEPUTY?
THAT ROOM HAPPENS
TO BE A SINGLE.
OH, YEAH.
EXCUSE ME.
I, UH, SURE HAVE HEARD
A LOT ABOUT YOU,
MR. CALDWELL.
OH?
YEAH. UH...
WOULD YOU MIND GIVING
ME YOUR AUTOGRAPH?
OF COURSE NOT.
IT'S, UH,
IT'S NOT FOR ME.
IT, IT'S FOR A
FRIEND OF MINE.
HERE YOU ARE.
YEAH.
BARNEY?
UH, YEAH?
'BOUT TIME FOR THE MAIL.
WANT TO GO DOWN AND PICK IT UP?
OH, YEAH.
MR. CALDWELL, I HAVE TO GO
TO THE POST OFFICE.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO GET YOU SOMETHING
WHILE I'M OUT?
YOU JUST NAME IT.
I WOULD LIKE SOME CIGARS,
IF IT'S NOT AN IMPOSITION.
IT'S NO
TROUBLE AT ALL.
I'LL BE GLAD TO DO IT.
YOU'LL NEED SOME MONEY...
YOUR MONEY'S
NO GOOD HERE.
YOU'RE A GUEST.
YOU'RE AWFULLY NICE TO ME.
WELL...
YOU KNOW, I'LL ALWAYS THINK
OF THIS PLACE
AS MY LITTLE HOUSE
AWAY FROM THE BIG HOUSE.
WELL, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME, BARNEY.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I SAID, "YOU'RE WELCOME."
NO-NO, A-AFTER THAT?
"YOU'RE WELCOME, BARNEY."
YEAH, "BARNEY."
HE CALLED ME BARNEY.
HE CALLED ME BARNEY.
BARNEY, BARNEY, BARNEY.
BABY FACE NELSON
CARVED THIS GUN OUT OF WOOD.
FINALLY, IT WAS PERFECT.
WHEN THE GUARD OPENED
THE DOOR TO HIS CELL...
I KNOW! BABY FACE
MADE BELIEVE
IT WAS A REAL GUN
AND CAPTURED THE GUARD!
YOU'RE A SMART
LITTLE FELLOW.
WHAT HAPPENED THEN?
HE TOOK THE REAL GUN
FROM THE GUARD,
TIED HIM UP IN THE CELL,
PUT ON THE GUARD'S CLOTHES,
AND MARCHED INTO
THE WARDEN'S OFFICE.
WHAT HAPPENED THEN?
THE WARDEN WAS SMART.
HE STEPPED ON
THE SECRET BUTTON
AND THE ALARM WENT OFF.
GEE, YOU WERE
LUCKY TO BE THERE.
SIRENS WERE SCREAMING.
[ IMITATING SIREN ]
SEARCH LIGHTS
CRISS-CROSSING
BUT WAS BABY FACE SCARED?
NO!
HE JUMPED OUT THE WINDOW
RIGHT INTO A LAUNDRY TRUCK,
HIT THE DRIVER ON THE HEAD,
AND STARTED
TO DRIVE THAT TRUCK
ACROSS THE YARD.
BULLETS WERE FLYING.
PING! PING!
[ IMITATING MACHINE GUN ]
BUT BABY FACE
HELD ON TO THAT WHEEL
AND DROVE THAT TRUCK
RIGHT THROUGH THE MAIN GATE
AND THAT'S HOW BABY FACE
MADE HIS GETAWAY.
I SAW THE WHOLE THING
WITH MY OWN EYES.
BOY, THAT WAS
THE BEST STORY
I EVER HEARD IN
MY WHOLE LIFE.
DO YOU KNOW
ANY BETTER ONES?
TELL YOU WHAT, OPIE.
YOU COME BACK TOMORROW
AND I'LL TELL YOU THE STORY
ABOUT JOHN DILLINGER.
WILL YOU? PROMISE?
ON MY WORD AS A GENTLEMAN.
OH, YOU GOT HERE
EARLY, OPIE.
HI, BARNEY.
WELL, COME ALONG.
GOT TO GET YOU
SOME NEW SHOES.
OH, AUNT BEE
THIS IS GENTLEMAN
DAN CALDWELL.
HE'S GOING TO BE
STAYING WITH US
FOR A DAY OR SO.
HE'S A FRIEND
OF MINE.
MR. CALDWELL,
THIS IS AUNT BEE.
AN UNEXPECTED PLEASURE.
HOW DO YOU DO?
TELL HER ABOUT
BABY FACE NELSON.
OPIE, I'M SURE
A WOMAN AS CULTURED AND REFINED
AS YOUR AUNT BEE
ISN'T INTERESTED
IN THAT TYPE OF STORY.
UH, MR. CALDWELL,
AUNT BEE'S THE ONE
THAT FEEDS US.
WAIT TILL YOU
TASTE HER COOKING.
HER RHUBARB PIE
WON A BLUE RIBBON
IN THE COUNTY FAIR.
OH, BARNEY, PLEASE?
I'M SURE AUNT BEE
IS CAPABLE
OF CULINARY MASTERPIECES,
BUT I DON'T DESERVE THEM.
WHAT AM I?
A MISFIT, A SCOUNDREL,
A MISERABLE WRONGDOER,
AND I MUST PAY
FOR MY MISTAKES.
OH, MR. CALDWELL,
EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES,
AND YOU'RE BRAVE AND HONEST
TO FACE THEM.
WELL, THANK YOU.
COME ALONG, OPIE.
GOOD-BYE, MR. CALDWELL.
IT'S BEEN REALLY NICE
MEETING YOU.
THANK YOU AGAIN,
AND MAY I SAY
THAT I NEVER MET
A MORE CHARMING LADY.
OH.
ON MY WORD AS A GENTLEMAN.
Aunt Bee:
COME ON, OPIE.
OH, HI, ANDY.
HI, PAW. YOU SHOULD
HEAR THE STORY
UNCLE DAN TOLD ME
ABOUT THE JAIL BREAK.
SURE WAS EXCITING.
UH-HUH. AUNT BEE, YOU GOING
TO GET OPIE THEM SHOES?
OH, YES, I GUESS
I'D BETTER.
COME, OPIE.
GOOD-BYE, MR. CALDWELL.
Opie:
BYE, UNCLE DAN.
I'LL DRIVE
YOU, AUNT BEE.
GOOD-BYE, UNCLE DAN.
CARE FOR A CIGAR, SHERIFF?
NO, THANKS.
I CAN'T AFFORD IT.
YOU DO REAL WELL
FOR YOURSELF,
DON'T YOU...
UNCLE DAN?
YOU WIN A FEW, LOSE A FEW.
GOT QUITE A KNACK.
I MEAN, THE WAY
YOU MAKE FRIENDS SO EASY.
OH, THAT'S MY BUSINESS,
SHERIFF, MAKING FRIENDS.
SEEM TO HAVE MADE
QUITE A FEW RIGHT
HERE IN MAYBERRY.
THEY'RE NICE PEOPLE,
SHERIFF.
I'D LIKE TO DO
SOMETHING FOR THEM.
SURE YOU WOULDN'T LIKE FOR 'EM
TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU?
NEVER KNOW.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
CERTAINLY IS
A FINE-LOOKING SUPPER
YOU'RE FIXING THERE
FOR MR. CALDWELL.
HMM? OH, YES.
REALLY DOES
LOOK GOOD.
WELL, I HEARD HE WAS
LEAVING US TOMORROW
AND, WELL, I THOUGHT
I'D FANCY IT UP A BIT.
OH, YOU GOT ALL
GUSSIED UP, TOO
DIDN'T YOU?
WELL, I THOUGHT I'D VISIT
THE PARSONS A WHILE LATER.
UH-HUH.
WELL, WHAT'S WRONG?
OH, OH, NOTHING.
NOTHING.
WELL, I ALWAYS FIX
THE PRISONERS MEALS,
AND THEY SEEM
TO APPRECIATE IT.
YEAH, AND GENTLEMAN
DAN'S QUITE AN
APPRECIATOR, TOO.
LADY IN BOWLING
GREEN, KENTUCKY
HE APPRECIATED
RIGHT OUT OF
$8,000 DOLLARS.
ANOTHER LADY IN
JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA.
APPRECIATED A
LOT OF PEOPLE.
WELL, I HAVE TO HURRY.
GOOD NIGHT, OPIE.
NOW, YOU GET TO BED, SURE.
WELL, OPIE, I BELIEVE
WE GOT US TIME FOR
A JACK TALE BEFORE
YOU GO TO BED, OKAY?
OKAY.
LET'S SEE NOW...
HEY, DID-DID I EVER
TELL YOU THE ONE ABOUT
JACK AND THE PRINCESS
THAT COULDN'T LAUGH?
WELL, THERE WAS THIS KING
THAT LIVED A LONG TIME AGO,
AND HE HAD THIS
DAUGHTER THAT WAS
AS PRETTY
AS A PICTURE,
BUT SHE NEVER
COULD SMILE.
AND SO THE KING...
UH, DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR
THAT STORY, OPIE?
NOT SPECIALLY, PAW.
WELL, IS THERE, UH,
IS THERE ANOTHER ONE
THAT YOU'D RATHER HEAR?
YEAH.
WHICH ONE?
DO YOU KNOW THE ONE
ABOUT THE KANSAS CITY
MILLION DOLLAR HEIST
OR THE TOLEDO
PAYROLL CAPER?
ARE THEY, UH,
ARE THEY STORIES
THAT MR. CALDWELL'S
BEEN TELLING YOU?
YEAH. HE SURE TELLS
EXCITING ONES, PAW,
ABOUT REAL PEOPLE.
UH-HUH.
WELL, MAYBE YOU'D BETTER
GO ON TO BED.
OKAY, PAW.
OPIE...
YES, PAW?
NOW-NOW, YOU GO
RIGHT TO SLEEP.
DON'T BE SITTING UP
LOOKING AT PICTURE
BOOKS, YOU HEAR?
I WON'T, PAW.
PROMISE?
ON MY WORD AS A GENTLEMAN.
READY FOR OUR GIN RUMMY
GAME, MR. CALDWELL?
OH, BARNEY.
SURE, SURE.
I'LL TURN THIS OFF.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD
TO THIS GAME.
GOING TO BE
A LITTLE INCONVENIENT
PLAYING THROUGH THESE BARS.
YEAH. HOW CAN
WE FIX THAT?
I HAVEN'T
THE VAGUEST IDEA.
SAY, WE COULD PLAY
IN YOUR CELL THERE.
I MEAN, IF YOU PROMISE
NOT TO SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT IT TO, UH...
WELL, ANDY'S
FUNNY ABOUT IT.
YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T
WANT HIM TO...
BARNEY. BARNEY.
ON MY WORD
AS A GENTLEMAN.
CAN'T ASK FOR
MORE THAN THAT.
IT'S GOING TO BE
A LOT MORE CONVENIENT
YOU KNOW, PLAYING IN HERE.
REALLY IS.
WHAT THE HECK?
IF FRIENDS CAN'T PLAY
A GAME OF CARDS...
YOU KNOW, BARNEY,
I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR ALL THESE LITTLE
CONVENIENCES.
REALLY MADE MY STAY HERE
QUITE PLEASANT.
OH, IT'S BEEN
A PLEASURE.
OH, THIS IS
BETTER, ISN'T IT?
YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D SAY THIS TO A POLICE OFFICER
BUT I'M GOING TO MISS YOU.
THANK YOU... OOPS.
CAREFUL, BARNEY.
YEAH.
THERE WE GO.
YOU KNOW,
MR. CALDWELL
I WANT TO WARN YOU...
YOU BETTER BE
ON YOUR TOES.
I'M PRETTY SLICK
WHEN IT COMES
TO CARDS.
IF YOU EVER DECIDE
TO GIVE UP POLICE WORK,
I HAVE SOME
FRIENDS IN VEGAS
WHO CAN ALWAYS USE
A GOOD DEALER.
OH, YEAH. WELL,
I'LL REMEMBER THAT.
HEY, I COULD USE THAT.
OOPS, CLUMSY OF ME.
YOU KNOW, I'M
SORRY TO HAVE
TO TELL YOU THIS,
MR. CALDWELL
BUT RIGHT OFF THE BAT
I'M AFRAID I GOT
THE WINNING HAND.
I'M AFRAID NOT, BARNEY.
THIS IS THE WINNING HAND.
YOU GAVE ME YOUR WORD.
OH, I GIVE MY WORD
A LOT, BARNEY.
OVER THERE.
MR. CALDWELL...
WHAT-WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
HE'S BUSTING OUT.
YOU GOT A LAUNDRY TRUCK
WAITING OUTSIDE, UNCLE DAN?
I'M SORRY
TO INCONVENIENCE YOU, AUNT BEE,
BUT I'M AFRAID
I'LL HAVE TO ASK YOU AND OPIE
TO STEP INSIDE THE CELL.
MR. CALDWELL,
YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
DEAR LADY, I'M AFRAID I AM.
WELL, THE MIGHTY SHERIFF
OF MAYBERRY.
YOU GOT HERE
JUST IN TIME
FOR THE FUN, PAW.
UNCLE DAN'S GONNA LOCK US UP
AND EVERYTHING.
WHERE'D YOU, UH,
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT GUN?
YOUR DEPUTY OBLIGED ME, SHERIFF.
COME ON OUT HERE, BARNEY.
I WANT TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.
UM, IS-IS-IS
THAT BARNEY'S GUN?
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT.
THAT'S BARNEY'S GUN?
UH, ANDY...
WELL, MR. CALDWELL,
THAT GUN WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD.
IT WON'T?
NO. IT'S NO USE TO YOU,
BECAUSE...
BECAUSE YOU'LL BE PICKED UP
BY THE STATE TROOPERS
IN JUST A FEW MINUTES.
NOT IF WE ALL
ACT QUICKLY.
IF YOU'LL STEP
INTO THE CELL
I'D APPRECIATE IT.
IT SURE WAS SLICKER
THAN A FIRE HOUSE POLE
THE WAY YOU TOOK US ALL IN,
MR. CALDWELL.
SHERIFF...
YOU'RE TRYING MY PATIENCE,
SHERIFF.
OPIE!
YOU WOULDN'T SHOOT MY PAW.
OH, DON'T WORRY, OPIE.
ANY OTHER TIME HE MIGHT,
BUT RIGHT NOW HE WON'T.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE THAT GUN
HE'S HOLDING THERE
AIN'T GOT NO BULLETS IN IT.
SHERIFF, COME ON.
WELL, PULL THE TRIGGER.
Barney:
NO, ANDY,
DON'T. DON'T.
[ CLICKING ]
WELL, MR. CALDWELL,
I'LL JUST TAKE BARNEY'S GUN.
NOW, I ASK YOU,
MR. CALDWELL
WHAT GOOD
WOULD A GUN DO YOU
THAT'S AS EMPTY
AS THIS ONE?
[ GUNSHOT ]
BARNEY!
YOU SEE, YOU DIDN'T KNOW,
BUT YOU THOUGHT THAT I...
BUT I, SEE, I-I KNEW
ALL THE TIME IT WAS...
YOU MEAN,
YOU DIDN'T IN YOUR...
YOU PUT IT IN THE...
I'M GONNA SIT DOWN, TOO.
[ CHUCKLES ]
HERE'S ONE WE WON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT NO MORE.
GENTLEMAN DAN CALDWELL.
YEAH, BOY.
SWINDLER, EMBEZZLER,
AND CONFIDENCE MAN --
CAN BE DANGEROUS.
WELL, I SURE HAVE TO ADMIT --
YOU WAS RIGHT ABOUT HIM.
I SURE FELL FOR HIS LINE.
OH, I DON'T MIND THAT
SO MUCH.
HE WAS A PRETTY SMOOTH
FELLER.
TELL YOU WHAT I DO MIND,
THOUGH.
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT HE WAS ABLE TO TAKE
YOUR GUN OFF OF YOU
WITHOUT YOU EVEN
KNOWING IT.
YOU'RE A TRAINED
LAW OFFICER
LETTING A COMMON CROOK
TAKE YOUR GUN.
COMMON CROOK NOTHING!
YOU SAID YOURSELF
HE WAS A PRETTY SMOOTH FELLER.
DO YOU THINK ANYBODY ELSE
BUT A SHREWD CHARACTER
LIKE GENTLEMAN DAN CALDWELL
COULD GET AWAY WITH IT?
YOU THINK ANYBODY ELSE
COULD BE SO QUICK
THAT WHEN I JUST LEAN OVER
TO PICK UP A CARD,
THAT HE COULD STEAL MY GUN?
NO, SIRREE.
I'LL NEVER BE A PATSY
AGAIN.
FROM NOW ON, I'LL JUST KEEP
MY HAND RIGHT ON MY...
STICK 'EM UP, PATSY.
[ WHISTLING SPRIGHTLY TUNE ]
PAW?
AND THEN THE OLD GIANT
COME IN,
AND HE SAYS,
"FI-FIE-FO-FUM,
I SMELL THE BLOOD
OF AN ENGLISHMAN."
HI, BOYS.
OH, HEY, AUNT BEE.
ARE YOU FINISHED?
YES, WE GOT DONE.
I'M JUST FINISHING TELLING OPIE
A LITTLE TALE HERE.
GIANT SAYS,
"FI-FIE-FO-FUM,
I SMELL THE BLOOD
OF AN ENGLISHMAN."
SAYS, "BE HE ALIVE
OR BE HE DEAD,
I'LL GRIND HIS BONES
TO EAT WITH MY PONES."
THAT OLD GIANT'S WIFE SAYS,
"YOU DON'T SMELL NOTHING
BUT THAT POSSUM YOU BROUGHT
IN HERE YESTERDAY."
THE OLD GIANT, HE SAYS,
"YOU RECKON POSSUM SMELLS
LIKE AN ENGLISHMAN?"
AND SHE SAYS, "I RECKON."
AND THE OLD GIANT
WENT ON TO SLEEP.
AND THAT'S WHEN JACK
GRABBED THAT GOLDEN HARP
AND RUN FOR IT.
AND JACK CLIMBED DOWN
THAT BEAN TREE
BEFORE THE OLD GIANT
COULD GET TO HIM,
AND WHEN HE GOT
TO THE BOTTOM,
HE HIT IT A LICK OR TWO
WITH HIS AX,
AND CRASH COME DOWN
THE BEAN TREE.
AND THE OLD GIANT WAS STRETCHED
ACROSS THREE COUNTIES.
DEAD?
THOROUGHLY AND EVERLASTINGLY
EXPIRED.
BOY! TELL ME ANOTHER ONE,
PAW.
TELL YOU NO MORE NOTHING.
YOU'VE GOT TO GO
BACK TO SCHOOL.
NOW MARCH!
THAT WAS A FINE DINNER,
AUNT BEE -- OUTSTANDING.
YEAH, YOU KEEP FEEDING US
LIKE THAT,
NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
THEY'LL BE CALLING ME "PORKY."
IT'S POSSIBLE.
WELL,
I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT.
YEAH, WE'RE LIABLE
TO KEEP YOU ON, AUNT BEE.
WHY, THANK YOU, ANDY.
BYE!
Aunt Bee and Opie:
BYE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GUN-DRAWING PRACTICE.
TEN MINUTES EVERY DAY.
IF I EVER HAVE TO USE THIS BABY
I WANT IT TO COME TO PAPA
IN A HURRY.
NOW, WATCH THIS.
SAY SOMEBODY
JUST SNEAKED IN
THE BACK DOOR
AND HE'S TOLD ME
TO REACH.
NOW YOU SAY "REACH."
I AIN'T GOT TIME
TO PLAY GAMES.
I'VE GOT
WORK TO DO.
OH, COME ON,
TELL ME TO REACH.
OKAY, REACH.
BARNEY!
I'M SORRY, ANDY.
BARNEY,
YOU PROMISED.
HEY...
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE QUIET
AROUND HERE, FELLAS?
BARNEY, YOU
PROMISED ME
WHEN I GAVE YOU
THAT BULLET
YOU'D KEEP IT IN
YOUR SHIRT POCKET.
NOW, WHY'D YOU
TAKE IT OUT?
WELL, I'M SORRY, ANDY.
DOGGONE IT, THAT BULLET
WAS TURNING GREEN IN MY POCKET.
I THOUGHT IT'D KEEP BETTER
IN THE GUN.
BARNEY...
AND BESIDES, I'VE ALREADY LOST
TWO BULLETS IN THE LAUNDRY.
BARNEY, I'M SCARED
TO GIVE YOU ANY MORE BULLETS.
YOU COME VERY NEAR
SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FOOT.
YOU KNOW THERE AIN'T EXACTLY
MUCH OF A CALL
FOR ONE-LEGGED DEPUTIES.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
AW, I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
I GUESS I DON'T DESERVE
A BULLET.
I GUESS ALL I DESERVE
IS AN EMPTY GUN.
NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
I-I-I'LL GIVE YOU
ONE MORE BULLET.
BUT YOU HAVE GOT TO PROMISE ME
THAT YOU'LL KEEP IT
IN YOUR SHIRT POCKET.
NOW, DO YOU PROMISE?
YEAH, I PROMISE.
AND ONE
OTHER THING.
WHEN YOU SEND THAT SHIRT
TO THE LAUNDRY, UNLOAD.
ANOTHER THING
YOU DID--
YOU WOKE UP OUR ONE
AND ONLY PRISONER.
HERE. FILE THESE,
WILL YOU?
WELL, HE SURE WENT
BACK TO SLEEP IN A HURRY.
BOY, THAT OTIS SURE
TIED ONE ON LAST NIGHT.
SOME MEN JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW TO BEGIN TO DRINK.
OH, HE KNOWS HOW
TO BEGIN, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S THE QUITTING PART
HE AIN'T CAUGHT ON TO.
[ PHONE RINGING ]
HELLO?
SHERIFF'S OFFICE.
SHERIFF TAYLOR SPEAKING.
OH, HELLO, SERGEANT.
HOW ARE YOU?
FINE.
WELL, SURE, SURE.
GLAD TO HELP YOU OUT.
WHAT, WHAT'S
THE PRISONER'S NAME?
WELL, I'LL BE DOGGED.
OF COURSE
I'VE HEARD OF HIM.
WE'LL BE LOOKING FOR YOU.
BYE.
WELL, BARNEY...
LOOKS LIKE MAYBERRY JAIL'S
GOING TO PLAY HOST
TO AN OUTSTANDING
LAW-BREAKER.
YEAH? WHO?
DID YOU EVER HEAR
OF DAN CALDWELL?
DA...?
DAN CALDWELL?
GENTLEMAN DAN?
THE FORGER?
THE SWINDLER?
THE CONFIDENCE MAN?
YEAH, BOY.
HE'S GOING TO BE
RIGHT HERE
IN OUR LITTLE
BITTY OLD JAIL.
NO. YOU'RE JUST
SAYING THAT.
NO, SIR. THE STATE
POLICE PICKED HIM UP
AND WANT TO LEAVE HIM HERE
A COUPLE DAYS
TILL THEY EXTRADITE
HIM TO ATLANTA.
DAN CALDWELL...
IS-IS COMING HERE?
AW, COME ON.
YOU'RE PULLING
MY LEG.
I AM NOT.
THEY CALLED ME.
DAN CALDWELL?
DAN CALDWELL'S
COMING HERE?
LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
IT'S A MESS!
THIS CELL
IS SO DRAB, ANDY.
SAY, MAYBE WE CAN
CASTLE-MINE THE CEILING, HUH?
OH, I GOT SOME
SUMMER DRAPES AT HOME
WE AIN'T USING.
ANDY, LISTEN.
WE COULD RENT A FLOOR WAXER.
IT'LL ONLY COST 50 CENTS.
[ COUGHING ]
SLOW DOWN, BARNEY.
YOU'RE BUSIER THAN A COW'S TAIL
IN FLY SEASON.
CALDWELL'S JUST
ANOTHER PRISONER--
A COMMON
CRIMINAL.
AW, COME ON, ANDY.
GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT'S DUE.
DAN CALDWELL'S BEEN
IN JUST ABOUT
EVERY NAME PENITENTIARY
IN THE COUNTRY.
HE'S AN IMPORTANT MAN.
NOW WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?
I FIGURE THIS PICTURE
OF THE OCEAN
WILL MAKE MR. CALDWELL
FEEL AT HOME.
IT'LL REMIND HIM
OF ALCATRAZ.
ALL THIS FUSS OVER A CRIMINAL?
HE'S A BIG MAN.
LET'S FACE IT.
AW, WE GOT TO GET RID
OF OTIS.
WHAT?!
AW, COME ON.
WE CAN'T HAVE A HIGH-CLASS MAN
LIKE DAN CALDWELL
IN THE NEXT CELL
TO A COMMON DRUNK.
BARNEY...
WELL, OTIS HAS HAD
A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
TIME HE WENT
HOME ANYWAY.
ALL RIGHT, OTIS,
WAKE UP.
COME ON, OTIS!
GET UP!
OH...
I'M GLAD YOU'RE
HERE, DEPUTY.
I HAVE A ROBBERY
TO REPORT.
MY BLANKET'S
BEEN STOLEN.
WE AIN'T GOT
TIME FOR THAT.
YOU HAVE TO GO.
BUT MY TIME ISN'T UP.
IT'S UP, IT'S UP.
NOW, GO ON. GO!
BUT I HAVEN'T HAD
MY BREAKFAST.
WE'LL OWE YOU ONE.
SO LONG, OTIS.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
WITH THESE KIND
OF ACCOMMODATIONS
I JUST MIGHT NOT
COME BACK.
GO, GO, GO, GO,
GO, GO, GO.
WELL, IS EVERYTHING IN ORDER
FOR OUR CELEBRATED PRISONER?
WE HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN
ANYTHING, HAVE WE?
UH...
ANDY...
YEAH?
MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO...
PUT ON A TIE.
THIS PLACE AIN'T BEEN
SO CLEAN
SINCE THE BOILER BUSTED
AND FLOODED THE PLACE.
[ SIREN WAILING ]
IT'S HIM! HE'S HERE!
IT'S CALDWELL.
HOW DO I LOOK?
UH, I THINK YOU
OUGHT TO HAVE WORN
STRIPED BRITCHES
AND A CUTAWAY.
UH-HUH.
[ SIREN WINDING DOWN ]
MORNIN', ANDY.
HOW YOU DOIN'?
GOOD TRIP?
FINE.
GOOD.
IF YOU JUST SIGN
THE PAPERS...
ALL RIGHT.
Y'ALL HAD A LITTLE RAIN
AT THE CAPITOL.
OUR CREEK FLOODED OVER.
WELL, YOU BETTER
WATCH THAT MUDDY WATER.
WELL, HE'S
ALL YOURS, ANDY.
OH, UH, SERGEANT.
I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU
THAT I THOROUGHLY
ENJOYED OUR BRIEF
ACQUAINTANCE.
HERE, HAVE A CIGAR.
THESE ARE SPECIALLY
MADE FOR ME BY A
LITTLE MAN IN TAMPA.
WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.
SEE YOU, ANDY.
I'LL SEE YA, SERGEANT.
WELL, MR. CALDWELL
I'M, UH, SHERIFF TAYLOR.
IF YOU'LL COOPERATE
NO REASON WHY WE CAN'T
MAKE THIS A PLEASANT VISIT.
ANDY?
HMM?
OH, THIS IS MY DEPUTY,
BARNEY FIFE.
SURE IS A PLEASURE
TO MAKE YOUR
ACQUAINTANCE, SIR.
ALL RIGHT, BARNEY.
WANT TO ESCORT MR. CALDWELL
TO HIS QUARTERS?
OH, YEAH.
UH, RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR.
EXCUSE ME.
HERE YOU ARE.
OH.
YOU KNOW, I'VE HAD
THE OPPORTUNITY
TO, UH, VISIT
MANY OF OUR FOREMOST
PENAL INSTITUTIONS.
AND WHILE THIS ONE
IS NOT EXACTLY LARGE,
I MUST SAY IT HAS
A CERTAIN INFORMAL CHARM
OF ITS OWN.
I CERTAINLY AM GLAD YOU LIKE IT,
MR. CALDWELL.
THAT REALLY DOES
TAKE A LOAD OFF OF MY MIND.
WOULD YOU COME
OUT NOW, DEPUTY?
THAT ROOM HAPPENS
TO BE A SINGLE.
OH, YEAH.
EXCUSE ME.
I, UH, SURE HAVE HEARD
A LOT ABOUT YOU,
MR. CALDWELL.
OH?
YEAH. UH...
WOULD YOU MIND GIVING
ME YOUR AUTOGRAPH?
OF COURSE NOT.
IT'S, UH,
IT'S NOT FOR ME.
IT, IT'S FOR A
FRIEND OF MINE.
HERE YOU ARE.
YEAH.
BARNEY?
UH, YEAH?
'BOUT TIME FOR THE MAIL.
WANT TO GO DOWN AND PICK IT UP?
OH, YEAH.
MR. CALDWELL, I HAVE TO GO
TO THE POST OFFICE.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO GET YOU SOMETHING
WHILE I'M OUT?
YOU JUST NAME IT.
I WOULD LIKE SOME CIGARS,
IF IT'S NOT AN IMPOSITION.
IT'S NO
TROUBLE AT ALL.
I'LL BE GLAD TO DO IT.
YOU'LL NEED SOME MONEY...
YOUR MONEY'S
NO GOOD HERE.
YOU'RE A GUEST.
YOU'RE AWFULLY NICE TO ME.
WELL...
YOU KNOW, I'LL ALWAYS THINK
OF THIS PLACE
AS MY LITTLE HOUSE
AWAY FROM THE BIG HOUSE.
WELL, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME, BARNEY.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I SAID, "YOU'RE WELCOME."
NO-NO, A-AFTER THAT?
"YOU'RE WELCOME, BARNEY."
YEAH, "BARNEY."
HE CALLED ME BARNEY.
HE CALLED ME BARNEY.
BARNEY, BARNEY, BARNEY.
BABY FACE NELSON
CARVED THIS GUN OUT OF WOOD.
FINALLY, IT WAS PERFECT.
WHEN THE GUARD OPENED
THE DOOR TO HIS CELL...
I KNOW! BABY FACE
MADE BELIEVE
IT WAS A REAL GUN
AND CAPTURED THE GUARD!
YOU'RE A SMART
LITTLE FELLOW.
WHAT HAPPENED THEN?
HE TOOK THE REAL GUN
FROM THE GUARD,
TIED HIM UP IN THE CELL,
PUT ON THE GUARD'S CLOTHES,
AND MARCHED INTO
THE WARDEN'S OFFICE.
WHAT HAPPENED THEN?
THE WARDEN WAS SMART.
HE STEPPED ON
THE SECRET BUTTON
AND THE ALARM WENT OFF.
GEE, YOU WERE
LUCKY TO BE THERE.
SIRENS WERE SCREAMING.
[ IMITATING SIREN ]
SEARCH LIGHTS
CRISS-CROSSING
BUT WAS BABY FACE SCARED?
NO!
HE JUMPED OUT THE WINDOW
RIGHT INTO A LAUNDRY TRUCK,
HIT THE DRIVER ON THE HEAD,
AND STARTED
TO DRIVE THAT TRUCK
ACROSS THE YARD.
BULLETS WERE FLYING.
PING! PING!
[ IMITATING MACHINE GUN ]
BUT BABY FACE
HELD ON TO THAT WHEEL
AND DROVE THAT TRUCK
RIGHT THROUGH THE MAIN GATE
AND THAT'S HOW BABY FACE
MADE HIS GETAWAY.
I SAW THE WHOLE THING
WITH MY OWN EYES.
BOY, THAT WAS
THE BEST STORY
I EVER HEARD IN
MY WHOLE LIFE.
DO YOU KNOW
ANY BETTER ONES?
TELL YOU WHAT, OPIE.
YOU COME BACK TOMORROW
AND I'LL TELL YOU THE STORY
ABOUT JOHN DILLINGER.
WILL YOU? PROMISE?
ON MY WORD AS A GENTLEMAN.
OH, YOU GOT HERE
EARLY, OPIE.
HI, BARNEY.
WELL, COME ALONG.
GOT TO GET YOU
SOME NEW SHOES.
OH, AUNT BEE
THIS IS GENTLEMAN
DAN CALDWELL.
HE'S GOING TO BE
STAYING WITH US
FOR A DAY OR SO.
HE'S A FRIEND
OF MINE.
MR. CALDWELL,
THIS IS AUNT BEE.
AN UNEXPECTED PLEASURE.
HOW DO YOU DO?
TELL HER ABOUT
BABY FACE NELSON.
OPIE, I'M SURE
A WOMAN AS CULTURED AND REFINED
AS YOUR AUNT BEE
ISN'T INTERESTED
IN THAT TYPE OF STORY.
UH, MR. CALDWELL,
AUNT BEE'S THE ONE
THAT FEEDS US.
WAIT TILL YOU
TASTE HER COOKING.
HER RHUBARB PIE
WON A BLUE RIBBON
IN THE COUNTY FAIR.
OH, BARNEY, PLEASE?
I'M SURE AUNT BEE
IS CAPABLE
OF CULINARY MASTERPIECES,
BUT I DON'T DESERVE THEM.
WHAT AM I?
A MISFIT, A SCOUNDREL,
A MISERABLE WRONGDOER,
AND I MUST PAY
FOR MY MISTAKES.
OH, MR. CALDWELL,
EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES,
AND YOU'RE BRAVE AND HONEST
TO FACE THEM.
WELL, THANK YOU.
COME ALONG, OPIE.
GOOD-BYE, MR. CALDWELL.
IT'S BEEN REALLY NICE
MEETING YOU.
THANK YOU AGAIN,
AND MAY I SAY
THAT I NEVER MET
A MORE CHARMING LADY.
OH.
ON MY WORD AS A GENTLEMAN.
Aunt Bee:
COME ON, OPIE.
OH, HI, ANDY.
HI, PAW. YOU SHOULD
HEAR THE STORY
UNCLE DAN TOLD ME
ABOUT THE JAIL BREAK.
SURE WAS EXCITING.
UH-HUH. AUNT BEE, YOU GOING
TO GET OPIE THEM SHOES?
OH, YES, I GUESS
I'D BETTER.
COME, OPIE.
GOOD-BYE, MR. CALDWELL.
Opie:
BYE, UNCLE DAN.
I'LL DRIVE
YOU, AUNT BEE.
GOOD-BYE, UNCLE DAN.
CARE FOR A CIGAR, SHERIFF?
NO, THANKS.
I CAN'T AFFORD IT.
YOU DO REAL WELL
FOR YOURSELF,
DON'T YOU...
UNCLE DAN?
YOU WIN A FEW, LOSE A FEW.
GOT QUITE A KNACK.
I MEAN, THE WAY
YOU MAKE FRIENDS SO EASY.
OH, THAT'S MY BUSINESS,
SHERIFF, MAKING FRIENDS.
SEEM TO HAVE MADE
QUITE A FEW RIGHT
HERE IN MAYBERRY.
THEY'RE NICE PEOPLE,
SHERIFF.
I'D LIKE TO DO
SOMETHING FOR THEM.
SURE YOU WOULDN'T LIKE FOR 'EM
TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU?
NEVER KNOW.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
CERTAINLY IS
A FINE-LOOKING SUPPER
YOU'RE FIXING THERE
FOR MR. CALDWELL.
HMM? OH, YES.
REALLY DOES
LOOK GOOD.
WELL, I HEARD HE WAS
LEAVING US TOMORROW
AND, WELL, I THOUGHT
I'D FANCY IT UP A BIT.
OH, YOU GOT ALL
GUSSIED UP, TOO
DIDN'T YOU?
WELL, I THOUGHT I'D VISIT
THE PARSONS A WHILE LATER.
UH-HUH.
WELL, WHAT'S WRONG?
OH, OH, NOTHING.
NOTHING.
WELL, I ALWAYS FIX
THE PRISONERS MEALS,
AND THEY SEEM
TO APPRECIATE IT.
YEAH, AND GENTLEMAN
DAN'S QUITE AN
APPRECIATOR, TOO.
LADY IN BOWLING
GREEN, KENTUCKY
HE APPRECIATED
RIGHT OUT OF
$8,000 DOLLARS.
ANOTHER LADY IN
JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA.
APPRECIATED A
LOT OF PEOPLE.
WELL, I HAVE TO HURRY.
GOOD NIGHT, OPIE.
NOW, YOU GET TO BED, SURE.
WELL, OPIE, I BELIEVE
WE GOT US TIME FOR
A JACK TALE BEFORE
YOU GO TO BED, OKAY?
OKAY.
LET'S SEE NOW...
HEY, DID-DID I EVER
TELL YOU THE ONE ABOUT
JACK AND THE PRINCESS
THAT COULDN'T LAUGH?
WELL, THERE WAS THIS KING
THAT LIVED A LONG TIME AGO,
AND HE HAD THIS
DAUGHTER THAT WAS
AS PRETTY
AS A PICTURE,
BUT SHE NEVER
COULD SMILE.
AND SO THE KING...
UH, DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR
THAT STORY, OPIE?
NOT SPECIALLY, PAW.
WELL, IS THERE, UH,
IS THERE ANOTHER ONE
THAT YOU'D RATHER HEAR?
YEAH.
WHICH ONE?
DO YOU KNOW THE ONE
ABOUT THE KANSAS CITY
MILLION DOLLAR HEIST
OR THE TOLEDO
PAYROLL CAPER?
ARE THEY, UH,
ARE THEY STORIES
THAT MR. CALDWELL'S
BEEN TELLING YOU?
YEAH. HE SURE TELLS
EXCITING ONES, PAW,
ABOUT REAL PEOPLE.
UH-HUH.
WELL, MAYBE YOU'D BETTER
GO ON TO BED.
OKAY, PAW.
OPIE...
YES, PAW?
NOW-NOW, YOU GO
RIGHT TO SLEEP.
DON'T BE SITTING UP
LOOKING AT PICTURE
BOOKS, YOU HEAR?
I WON'T, PAW.
PROMISE?
ON MY WORD AS A GENTLEMAN.
READY FOR OUR GIN RUMMY
GAME, MR. CALDWELL?
OH, BARNEY.
SURE, SURE.
I'LL TURN THIS OFF.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD
TO THIS GAME.
GOING TO BE
A LITTLE INCONVENIENT
PLAYING THROUGH THESE BARS.
YEAH. HOW CAN
WE FIX THAT?
I HAVEN'T
THE VAGUEST IDEA.
SAY, WE COULD PLAY
IN YOUR CELL THERE.
I MEAN, IF YOU PROMISE
NOT TO SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT IT TO, UH...
WELL, ANDY'S
FUNNY ABOUT IT.
YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T
WANT HIM TO...
BARNEY. BARNEY.
ON MY WORD
AS A GENTLEMAN.
CAN'T ASK FOR
MORE THAN THAT.
IT'S GOING TO BE
A LOT MORE CONVENIENT
YOU KNOW, PLAYING IN HERE.
REALLY IS.
WHAT THE HECK?
IF FRIENDS CAN'T PLAY
A GAME OF CARDS...
YOU KNOW, BARNEY,
I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR ALL THESE LITTLE
CONVENIENCES.
REALLY MADE MY STAY HERE
QUITE PLEASANT.
OH, IT'S BEEN
A PLEASURE.
OH, THIS IS
BETTER, ISN'T IT?
YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D SAY THIS TO A POLICE OFFICER
BUT I'M GOING TO MISS YOU.
THANK YOU... OOPS.
CAREFUL, BARNEY.
YEAH.
THERE WE GO.
YOU KNOW,
MR. CALDWELL
I WANT TO WARN YOU...
YOU BETTER BE
ON YOUR TOES.
I'M PRETTY SLICK
WHEN IT COMES
TO CARDS.
IF YOU EVER DECIDE
TO GIVE UP POLICE WORK,
I HAVE SOME
FRIENDS IN VEGAS
WHO CAN ALWAYS USE
A GOOD DEALER.
OH, YEAH. WELL,
I'LL REMEMBER THAT.
HEY, I COULD USE THAT.
OOPS, CLUMSY OF ME.
YOU KNOW, I'M
SORRY TO HAVE
TO TELL YOU THIS,
MR. CALDWELL
BUT RIGHT OFF THE BAT
I'M AFRAID I GOT
THE WINNING HAND.
I'M AFRAID NOT, BARNEY.
THIS IS THE WINNING HAND.
YOU GAVE ME YOUR WORD.
OH, I GIVE MY WORD
A LOT, BARNEY.
OVER THERE.
MR. CALDWELL...
WHAT-WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
HE'S BUSTING OUT.
YOU GOT A LAUNDRY TRUCK
WAITING OUTSIDE, UNCLE DAN?
I'M SORRY
TO INCONVENIENCE YOU, AUNT BEE,
BUT I'M AFRAID
I'LL HAVE TO ASK YOU AND OPIE
TO STEP INSIDE THE CELL.
MR. CALDWELL,
YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
DEAR LADY, I'M AFRAID I AM.
WELL, THE MIGHTY SHERIFF
OF MAYBERRY.
YOU GOT HERE
JUST IN TIME
FOR THE FUN, PAW.
UNCLE DAN'S GONNA LOCK US UP
AND EVERYTHING.
WHERE'D YOU, UH,
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT GUN?
YOUR DEPUTY OBLIGED ME, SHERIFF.
COME ON OUT HERE, BARNEY.
I WANT TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.
UM, IS-IS-IS
THAT BARNEY'S GUN?
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT.
THAT'S BARNEY'S GUN?
UH, ANDY...
WELL, MR. CALDWELL,
THAT GUN WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD.
IT WON'T?
NO. IT'S NO USE TO YOU,
BECAUSE...
BECAUSE YOU'LL BE PICKED UP
BY THE STATE TROOPERS
IN JUST A FEW MINUTES.
NOT IF WE ALL
ACT QUICKLY.
IF YOU'LL STEP
INTO THE CELL
I'D APPRECIATE IT.
IT SURE WAS SLICKER
THAN A FIRE HOUSE POLE
THE WAY YOU TOOK US ALL IN,
MR. CALDWELL.
SHERIFF...
YOU'RE TRYING MY PATIENCE,
SHERIFF.
OPIE!
YOU WOULDN'T SHOOT MY PAW.
OH, DON'T WORRY, OPIE.
ANY OTHER TIME HE MIGHT,
BUT RIGHT NOW HE WON'T.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE THAT GUN
HE'S HOLDING THERE
AIN'T GOT NO BULLETS IN IT.
SHERIFF, COME ON.
WELL, PULL THE TRIGGER.
Barney:
NO, ANDY,
DON'T. DON'T.
[ CLICKING ]
WELL, MR. CALDWELL,
I'LL JUST TAKE BARNEY'S GUN.
NOW, I ASK YOU,
MR. CALDWELL
WHAT GOOD
WOULD A GUN DO YOU
THAT'S AS EMPTY
AS THIS ONE?
[ GUNSHOT ]
BARNEY!
YOU SEE, YOU DIDN'T KNOW,
BUT YOU THOUGHT THAT I...
BUT I, SEE, I-I KNEW
ALL THE TIME IT WAS...
YOU MEAN,
YOU DIDN'T IN YOUR...
YOU PUT IT IN THE...
I'M GONNA SIT DOWN, TOO.
[ CHUCKLES ]
HERE'S ONE WE WON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT NO MORE.
GENTLEMAN DAN CALDWELL.
YEAH, BOY.
SWINDLER, EMBEZZLER,
AND CONFIDENCE MAN --
CAN BE DANGEROUS.
WELL, I SURE HAVE TO ADMIT --
YOU WAS RIGHT ABOUT HIM.
I SURE FELL FOR HIS LINE.
OH, I DON'T MIND THAT
SO MUCH.
HE WAS A PRETTY SMOOTH
FELLER.
TELL YOU WHAT I DO MIND,
THOUGH.
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT HE WAS ABLE TO TAKE
YOUR GUN OFF OF YOU
WITHOUT YOU EVEN
KNOWING IT.
YOU'RE A TRAINED
LAW OFFICER
LETTING A COMMON CROOK
TAKE YOUR GUN.
COMMON CROOK NOTHING!
YOU SAID YOURSELF
HE WAS A PRETTY SMOOTH FELLER.
DO YOU THINK ANYBODY ELSE
BUT A SHREWD CHARACTER
LIKE GENTLEMAN DAN CALDWELL
COULD GET AWAY WITH IT?
YOU THINK ANYBODY ELSE
COULD BE SO QUICK
THAT WHEN I JUST LEAN OVER
TO PICK UP A CARD,
THAT HE COULD STEAL MY GUN?
NO, SIRREE.
I'LL NEVER BE A PATSY
AGAIN.
FROM NOW ON, I'LL JUST KEEP
MY HAND RIGHT ON MY...
STICK 'EM UP, PATSY.
[ WHISTLING SPRIGHTLY TUNE ]