The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 1, Episode 20 - Andy Saves Barney's Morale - full transcript
Barney is acting sheriff when Andy goes to Centerville, and he's just itching to throw his weight around...
NOW, I'LL BE BACK
ON THE 4:15 BUS THIS AFTERNOON.
YEAH, YEAH.
SAY, ANDY,
DON'T YOU THINK
WE OUGHTA HAVE
A SIGN MADE
"BARNEY FIFE,
ACTING SHERIFF?"
I DON'T HARDLY SEE
HOW THAT'D
BE WORTHWHILE.
BY THE TIME IT'S READY,
I'LL BE BACK.
OH.
NOW, DON'T FORGET
TO COVER THE SCHOOL CROSSING
AT 3:00.
YEAH, YEAH.
OH, BOY.
SURE GIVES AN ACTING SHERIFF
A GOOD FEELING
TO HAVE THESE BABIES AROUND.
YEAH.
NOW, IF YOU NEED ME
YOU'LL FIND ME AT THE
COURTHOUSE IN CENTERVILLE.
YEAH, SURE.
SAY, YOU KNOW, ANDY,
I BEST BREAK OUT
THEM TEAR GAS BOMBS.
WHAT FOR?
WELL, WHAT IF THERE
SHOULD BE A JAILBREAK?
WELL, I MEAN...
WELL, AN ACTING SHERIFF
NEVER CAN TELL
WHAT HE MIGHT BE
NEEDING 'EM FOR.
I BETTER BREAK 'EM OUT.
BARNEY, IN THE FIRST PLACE,
IN THE WHOLE HISTORY OF MAYBERRY
THEY AIN'T NEVER
BEEN NO NEED FOR 'EM,
AND IN THE SECOND PLACE
THAT ONE BOMB THEY GIVE US
FOUR YEARS AGO IS A SAMPLE.
IT'S PROBABLY SPOILT BY NOW.
AND IN THE THIRD PLACE
I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER
WHERE I HID IT.
OH, IF YOU WAS TO LOSE
THE KEYS TO THE PATROL CAR
THERE'S A EXTRA SET
IN THE TOP DRAWER OF MY DESK.
I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE
TO DEPEND ON THAT OLD RIOT GUN.
IT'S BROKE.
DON'T FORGET TO SWEEP UP
OUT IN THE FRONT.
ANDY, WILL YOU STOP
ALL THAT FUSSING?
A BODY DIDN'T KNOW NO BETTER,
IT'D THINK YOU WASN'T EASY
IN YOUR MIND
ABOUT LEAVING ME IN CHARGE.
IT WOULD?
IT SURE WOULD.
SWEEP UP,
COVER THE SCHOOL CROSSING,
DON'T LOSE THE CAR KEYS.
ANDY, GOSH, IT AIN'T AS IF
YOU WAS LEAVING
SOME YOUNG INEXPERIENCED
WHIPPERSNAPPER IN CHARGE.
YOU'RE LEAVING GOOD OLD
RELIABLE BARNEY FIFE.
YEAH.
ANDY, ARE YOU
TRYING TO TELL ME
YOU DON'T THINK I CAN KEEP
LAW AND ORDER IN MAYBERRY
FOR EIGHT MEASLY
LITTLE OLD HOURS?
IT IS JUST EIGHT MEASLY
LITTLE OLD HOURS.
BARNEY, I WANT YOU TO KNOW
I GOT ALL THE CONFIDENCE
IN THE WORLD IN YOU.
THEM'S THE KIND OF POTATOES
I WAS HOPING I'D HEAR FROM YOU.
[ HORN HONKING OUTSIDE ]
I BETTER HURRY.
THAT BUS GONNA
LEAVE WITHOUT ME.
I PROMISE YOU,
I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.
YOU GO RIGHT ON
TO CENTERVILLE,
AND DO YOUR TESTIFYIN' RELAXED
AND EASY IN YOUR MIND.
BECAUSE YOU'RE
LEAVING THIS TOWN
IN THE GOOD RIGHT HAND
OF BARNEY FIFE.
GOOD.
I'LL SEE YOU, BARNEY.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
[ HORN HONKS ]
HOWDY, BARNEY.
GOOD TO SEE
YOU BACK, SHERIFF.
GOOD TO BE BACK.
EVERYTHING,
UH, ALL RIGHT?
RIGHT AS RAIN, SHERIFF.
YOU DIDN'T THINK I COULD
HANDLE HER, DID YOU?
COME ON, ANDY,
NOW, TELL THE TRUTH.
YOU REALLY DIDN'T THINK
I COULD DO IT, NOW, DID YOU?
NOW, DID YOU?
YOU DOUBTIN' SON OF A GUN.
WELL, NOW, BARNEY,
I GOT TO ADMIT
THERE FOR A MINUTE
THIS MORNING
I DID HAVE MY DOUBTS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK NOW?
WELL, EVERYTHING
LOOKS MIGHTY QUIET.
I TOLD YOU BARNEY FIFE
WOULDN'T LET YOU DOWN.
I TOLD YOU YOU WERE LEAVING
THIS TOWN IN GOOD HANDS.
[ CHUCKLING ]
YEAH.
[ CROWD SHOUTING ]
WELL, NO WONDER
IT'S QUIET IN TOWN.
THE WHOLE POPULATION'S
IN HERE.
LIKE I
PROMISED, SHERIFF.
LAW AND ORDER'S BEEN KEPT
IN MAYBERRY THIS HERE DAY.
WELL, IT'S BEEN KEPT
MORE THIS HERE DAY
THAN ALL THE OTHER DAYS
PUT TOGETHER.
ALL RIGHT, NOW,
JUST QUIET DOWN.
NOW, QUIET. BE QUIET.
EVERYBODY JUST,
JUST QUIET DOWN.
COME ON, COME ON,
QUIET DOWN BACK THERE.
QUIET! WE KNOW HOW TO DEAL
WITH UNRULY PRISONERS.
[ GROWLING ]
YOU GOT 'EM PACKED IN THERE
LIKE SARDINES IN A CAN.
WELL, YOU JUST SWORE ME IN
AS ACTING SHERIFF,
NOT ACTING
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE.
SO I COULDN'T
TRY THEM, COULD I?
NO.
WE BETTER
GET THE CAN OPENERS
AND LET 'EM OUT
SO AS THE ONES IN THE BACK
CAN START BREATHING AGAIN.
NOW, WHEN I LET YOU OUT
IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND
JUST LINE UP
IN FRONT OF MY DESK OVER HERE
AND I GUESS WE CAN
JUST TRY YOU RIGHT NOW.
HELLO, HARRY.
MISS MARY, HOW ARE YOU?
HELLO, JUDD, HOW YOU DOING?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
MAYOR -- MAYOR?!
IT'S AN OUTRAGE,
THAT'S WHAT IT IS -- AN OUTRAGE!
HOW ARE YOU,
MISS JOHNSON?
HELLO, FRANKLIN,
HOW ARE THINGS AT THE BANK?
HELLO, CHARLIE.
HEY, NELLIE,
THAT'S A NICE DRESS.
AUNT BEE?
OH, HE SHOWED NO FAVORITISM.
I'LL SAY THAT FOR HIM.
BUT IT'S ALL I'LL SAY FOR HIM.
COME ALONG, OPIE.
YOU DIDN'T ARREST
OPIE, TOO?
WELL, I COULDN'T LEAVE HIM
HOME ALONE, COULD I?
COME ALONG, CRIMINAL.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M GLAD YOU ALL ARE...
HI, ANDY.
HELLO, THERE, CHESTER.
OTIS, HOW ARE YOU?
YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.
WHAT'D YOU DO,
DROP A NET ON THE WHOLE TOWN?
JUST ABOUT.
[ PEOPLE MURMURING ]
EXCUSE ME,
HERE, EXCUSE ME.
WELL, WE MIGHT AS WELL
GET ON WITH IT, BARNEY.
WHAT'S THE FIRST CASE?
JUDD FLETCHER.
ALL RIGHT,
WHAT'S THE CHARGE?
JUDD FLETCHER,
AGE: 74, HAIR: GRAY
EYES: BLUE...
I KNOW HOW OLD HE IS,
AND I KNOW HIS NAME,
AND I CAN SEE THE COLOR
OF HIS HAIR AND EYES.
NOW, JUST READ OFF
THE CHARGE, BARNEY.
VIOLATION OF MUNICIPAL
CODE NUMBER 721-8,
DISTURBING THE PEACE.
DISTURBING THE PEACE?
OLD JUDD HERE?
HE'S TETCHED, ANDY.
I AIN'T HAD THE STRENGTH
TO DISTURB THE PEACE
NIGH ON TO 30 YEARS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT DON'T
TAKE MUCH STRENGTH
TO THROW A CHECKERBOARD
OFF THE PORCH
OF THE MAYBERRY HOTEL
AND CALL OLD CHESTER JONES
A TWO-FACED CHEATING LIAR
AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS.
THAT'S DISTURBING THE PEACE,
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.
UH-HUH. JUDD, WOULD
YOU MIND HOLLERING
"TWO-FACED, CHEATING LIAR"
AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS?
[ Quietly ]
CHESTER JONES, YOU'RE
A TWO-FACED CHEATING LIAR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, HE DID
WILLFULLY
AND WITH MALICE AFORETHOUGHT
THROW A CHECKERBOARD
FULL OF CHECKERS.
COULD HAVE BLINDED SOMEBODY.
WELL, NOW, SEEING AS
HOW THAT'S BEEN GOING ON
BETWEEN CHESTER
AND OLD JUDD HERE
FOR AROUND 20 YEARS,
THAT'S MORE A PART
OF THE PEACE
THAN IT IS
DISTURBING THE PEACE.
CASE DISMISSED, JUDD.
YOU CAN GO ON HOME.
THANK YOU, ANDY.
AND THANK YOU,
TOO, BARNEY.
WHAT FOR?
CONSIDERING
THE KIND OF CRIME I DONE,
FOR NOT TRYING TO GET ME HUNG.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NEXT CASE.
BEE TAYLOR.
AUNT BEE,
ARE YOU BACK THERE?
COME ON THROUGH.
WHAT'S THE CHARGE?
BEE TAYLOR --
AGE --
YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD,
BARNEY FIFE,
AND YOU'LL REGRET IT.
WHAT'S THE CHARGE,
BARNEY?
CODE NUMBER 421:
UNLAWFUL ASSEMBLAGE
AND INCITING TO RIOT.
AUNT BEE?!
YES, AUNT BEE.
[ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I WAS STANDING
IN FRONT OF THE COURTHOUSE
CHATTING WITH A GROUP OF LADIES.
THAT'S UNLAWFUL
ASSEMBLAGE IN MY BOOK.
AND I ASKED THEM
REAL NICE TO MOVE ALONG.
BUT AUNT BEE KEPT
RIGHT ON TALKING.
SO I ASKED HER AGAIN AND
SHE SAID, "STOP INTERRUPTING."
AND THEN ONE OF THE WOMEN
RAISED HER UMBRELLA TO ME.
NOW, THAT'S
INCITING A RIOT.
WELL, NOW, BARNEY
IT LOOKS LIKE TO ME
YOU COULD HAVE OVERLOOKED IT,
SEEING AS HOW THE WOMEN
ALWAYS DO CONGREGATE
IN FRONT
OF THE COURTHOUSE HERE
AND TALK TO ONE ANOTHER
AND HAVE BEEN RIGHT ON
AND SEEING AS HOW
IT WAS AUNT BEE...
OH, OVERLOOK NOTHING.
HE WAS TOO BUSY YELLING,
"THERE'LL BE NO FAVORITISM
IN BARNEY FIFE'S
ADMINISTRATION."
YOU GONNA
FINGERPRINT ME, BARNEY?
OH, DON'T JOKE, HONEY.
HE'S LIABLE TO SEND YOU
UP TO STATE PRISON.
NEXT CASE.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
MAYOR PIKE.
OH, UH,
HOW ARE YOU, MAYOR?
HOW AM I?
WHAT'S THE CHARGE,
BARNEY?
VIOLATION OF CODE
NUMBER FOUR --
COME ON, BARNEY.
WHAT'S THE CHARGE?
439: VAGRANCY AND LOITERING.
VAGRANCY AND LOITERING?
THE MAYOR?
UH, I DON'T KNOW, BARNEY.
HE LOOKS PRETTY SOBER TO ME.
BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIM
WHEN I NABBED HIM, ANDY.
I MADE A CHALK LINE
AND TOLD HIM TO WALK IT.
KNOW WHAT HE SAID?
WHAT?
"WHAT LINE?"
I GOT THIS ONE
DEAD TO RIGHTS.
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID --
"WHAT LINE?"
THAT WHAT
YOU SAID, OTIS?
YUP.
WELL, I JUST
DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
THREE HOURS AGO, YOU
COULDN'T SEE A CHALK LINE.
NOW, HOW YOU
EXPLAIN THAT, OTIS?
MAYBE I DIDN'T SEE
THAT THERE LINE
'CAUSE I WASN'T
WEARING MY SPECS.
DRUNK OR SOBER, I CAN'T TELL
VERY MUCH WITHOUT MY GLASSES.
WELL, WERE YOU DRUNK WHEN
DEPUTY FIFE ARRESTED YOU?
I CAN'T TELL.
I WASN'T WEARING MY GLASSES.
I'M AFRAID I'M GOING
TO HAVE TO
DISMISS HIM, BARNEY.
YOU CAN GO, OTIS.
THANKS, ANDY.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
UH, BARNEY...
I HAD 'EM, ANDY.
I HAD 'EM ALL
DEAD TO RIGHTS.
YOU CAN CHECK
THE MANUAL.
EVERY ONE OF 'EM
WAS AS GUILTY AS SIN.
NOW, LISTEN TO ME, BARNEY.
LISTEN TO ME JUST A MINUTE.
NOW, IT'S TRUE YOU HAD 'EM ALL
DEAD TO RIGHTS BY THE BOOK.
BUT NOW, IF YOU WENT
STRICTLY BY THE BOOK,
WHY, I DON'T RECKON WE'D
HAVE ANYTHING IN THIS COUNTRY
BUT 180 MILLION JAILBIRDS.
YEAH.
YEAH, I GUESS
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I GUESS I WAS JUST
TRYING TO SHOW YOU
HOW MUCH YOU
COULD DEPEND ON ME.
WELL, NOW, I, I, I
KNOW YOU WERE, BARNEY.
AND I APPRECIATE THAT.
BUT, WELL, I GUESS YOU
TRIED JUST A MITE TOO HARD.
YEAH.
WELL, LIKE THEY SAY,
"ONCE BURNT IS A LESSON LEARNT."
RIGHT.
"ONE MISTAKE, BETTER CAKE."
"ONCE BIT, BEST FORGIT."
OOH.
GETTING THINNER
ALL THE TIME, MAYOR.
I'VE GOT SOME TONIC
THAT'S GUARANTEED TO GROW HAIR
OVER YOUR EYES.
I DON'T WANT HAIR
OVER MY EYES.
I WANT IT OVER MY HEAD.
THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
[ SNIFFS ]
HI, FELLERS.
WELL, IF IT AIN'T
OLD WILD BILL FIFE.
DUCK, EVERYBODY!
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MAYOR, I DON'T
THINK YOU OUGHT
TO CALL OLD BARNEY HERE
"WILD BILL."
HE'S MUCH MORE LIKE
THAT THERE WYATT EARP FELLA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
Floyd:
OH, NO,
WAIT A MINUTE...
OH, NOW, COME ON,
FELLAS, I...
DON'T LAUGH.
NO, IT AIN'T
EVERY DEPUTY
THAT CAN SMOKE OUT
A DESPERATE OUTLAW
LIKE OLD JUDD!
Pete: DID HE GIVE YOU
MUCH FIGHT, WYATT?
HE SURE DID.
HE SHOT OLD WYATT HERE
FULL OF CHECKERS!
[ GUFFAWING ]
I DON'T THINK WE OUGHT
TO BE MAKING FUN
OF OLD BARN HERE.
NO, FACT IS,
MAYBERRY DON'T DESERVE
A LAW OFFICER
LIKE HIM.
YOU KNOW WHAT, IF WE
WAS REAL GOOD PATRIOTS
WE'D GET IN TOUCH
WITH THE GOVERNMENT
AND OFFER THEM A TRADE --
BARNEY HERE
FOR J. EDGAR HOOVER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S SO FUNNY!
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
BARNEY, QUICK,
YOU GOT TO CATCH HIM!
WHO?
THE FELLA JUST HIT AND RUN!
WHERE?!
OUT TO THE BASEBALL FIELD!
[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
HI, BARN.
OH, NOW, BARNEY,
ARE YOU STILL FRETTING
ABOUT THAT BUSINESS?
NOW, LIKE YOU SAID,
"ONCE BIT, BEST FORGIT."
FORGET?! HOW'S A FELLER
SUPPOSED TO FORGET
WHEN THE WHOLE DANG TOWN
IS LAUGHING AT HIM?
OH, NOW, BARNEY,
YOU'RE JUST BEING
EXTRA-SENSITIVE.
THEY DON'T MEAN
ANYTHING BY IT.
THEY'RE JUST HAVING A LITTLE
SPELL OF INNOCENT FUN.
INNOCENT FUN?
WELL, MAYBE IT DON'T SEEM
SO INNOCENT
WHEN YOU'RE WHAT
THEY'RE HAVING THE FUN AT.
FORGET, YOU SAY.
HOW'S A FELLER
SUPPOSED TO FORGET
WHEN EVERYBODY IN TOWN
IS REMINDING HIM OF IT
EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY?
OH, NOW, BARNEY.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
SHERIFF'S OFFICE.
WHAT? WHERE?
WHAT WAS THAT?
SOMEBODY WANTED DEPUTY FIFE
TO COME OVER TO THE POST OFFICE.
THERE WAS A BIG FIGHT
OVER THERE.
BIG FIGHT?
YEAH.
THE POSTMASTER
JUST LICKED A BUNCH OF STAMPS.
IT'S A JOKE, ANDY.
WHY AIN'T YOU LAUGHING?
I AM.
MORNING, BARNEY.
MORNING.
BARNEY...
UH...
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
BARNEY,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
'COURSE I'M ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THE REASON I ASKED
IS THE WAY YOU'RE DRESSED.
WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THE WAY I'M DRESSED?
YOUR TIE IS CROOKED.
YOUR PANTS LOOK LIKE
THEY WERE SLEPT IN
BY A FELLA THAT TOSSED
AND TURNED ALL NIGHT.
HOW YOU EXPLAIN THAT?
I SLEPT IN 'EM
AND TOSSED AND TURNED ALL NIGHT.
WELL, BARNEY, THIS
IS JUST NOT LIKE YOU.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU GOT
TO SAY TO ALL THIS?
OH, I KNOW,
YOU'RE ACTING THIS WAY
BECAUSE THEY LAUGHED AT YOU.
WELL, YOU CAN MAKE THEM
STOP LAUGHING.
JUST STAND UP STRAIGHT
AND NEAT LIKE YOU USED TO
AND LOOK THEM RIGHT
IN THE EYE, SAYING,
"I'M BARNEY FIFE, DEPUTY
SHERIFF, AS GOOD A MAN AS ANY."
NOW, COME ON,
GIVE HER A TRY.
[ Listless ]
I'M BARNEY FIFE, DEPUTY SHERIFF,
AND I'M AS GOOD A MAN AS ANY.
YOU'RE BARNEY FIFE,
DEPUTY SHERIFF
AND YOU'RE AS GOOD A MAN AS ANY.
TRY HER AGAIN.
YOU'RE BARNEY FIFE,
DEPUTY SHERIFF
AND YOU'RE AS GOOD A MAN AS ANY.
TRY HER AGAIN.
BARNEY, YOU'RE
NOT TRYING AT ALL.
I DECLARE, I DON'T...
[ HORN HONKS ]
WHAT DID I DO WRONG, SHERIFF?
NOTHING, HILDA MAY,
I WAS JUST HOPING
YOU MIGHT BE ABLE
TO HELP ME SET
SOMETHING RIGHT.
ME? HOW?
WELL, LIKE THE FELLA SAYS
WHEN IN DOUBT,
HAVE A LITTLE TALK
WITH THE GIRL THE FELLA'S
GOT A SWEET TOOTH FOR.
COME ON IN
AND SET DOWN.
IT'S BARNEY, HILDA MAY.
HE'S, UH, HE'S
FEELING MIGHTY LOW.
I KNOW.
HE NEEDS BUILDING UP.
HE NEEDS ADMIRING REAL BAD.
I KNOW IT, SHERIFF.
I TRIED TO DO JUST THAT
LAST NIGHT.
YOU DID?
UH-HUH.
WE HAD A DATE.
I'D HEARD WHAT HE'D DONE
SO I WASN'T TOO SURPRISED
WHEN HE CAME OVER JUST DRAGGING
AND LOOKING LIKE
A SAD OLD HOUND DOG.
WELL, KNOWING HIM AS I DO
I KNEW I HAD MY WORK
CUT OUT FOR ME.
SHERIFF, I TELL YOU,
I BUTTERED THAT FELLA UP
FRONTWAYS, BACKWAYS, SIDEWAYS,
AND EDGEWISE.
I DROOLED OVER THE SHAPE
OF HIS NOSE.
I ADMIRED HIS SUIT.
AND I OOHED ABOUT THE SIZE
OF HIS MUSCLES.
AND THAT ISN'T THE HALF OF IT.
I TOLD HIM HOW SMART HE WAS...
I ACTED HOW LUCKY I WAS...
AND I SAT BENT OVER SOME
SO'S HE'D FEEL TALLER.
I TELL YOU, SHERIFF,
THAT FELLA WAS SO BUTTERED UP
IF YOU TRIED TO GRAB HIM, HE'D
SQUOOSH RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HAND.
YES, SIR,
AND IT WAS BEGINNING TO WORK.
HE WAS REALLY PERKING UP.
AND THEN I MADE MY BIG MISTAKE.
I STARTED RUNNING MY FINGERS
THROUGH HIS HAIR
AND MUSSED IT UP.
HE LOOKED SO SILLY
I COULDN'T HELP LAUGHING.
HE CAN'T STAND
TO BE LAUGHED AT.
YEAH, I KNOW IT. HE'S
GOTTEN PRETTY SENSITIVE.
I TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
I JUST DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO
FOR THE POOR FELLA
ANYMORE.
YEAH.
IT ISN'T RIGHT, SHERIFF.
FOLKS ARE REALLY
SO FOND OF HIM.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, THEY ARE.
SURE, EVERYBODY
LIKES BARNEY.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO BAD.
THEY DON'T REALIZE
THEY'RE HURTING HIM.
IT'S JUST A JOKE TO THEM.
UH-HUH.
WELL, NOW, THAT'S
PROBABLY BECAUSE
THEY'VE NEVER THOUGHT
ABOUT IT
QUITE THAT WAY BEFORE.
THAT WILL NEVER DO.
NOW HOLD ON THERE.
ARE WE PLAYING CHECKERS
OR HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK?
I'M PLAYING CHECKERS.
BUT I'LL BE DANGED
IF I CAN FIGURE OUT
WHAT YOU'RE PLAYING!
IS THAT A FACT,
YOU OLD --
BUB-BUB-BUB,
MIND YOUR LANGUAGE.
YOU GO HOLLERING NAMES AT ME
I GOT TO HOLLER
SOME BACK AT YOU.
NEXT THING, THIS SHERLOCK HOLMES
DEPUTY OF ANDY'S HERE
WILL BE RUNNING US IN
FOR DISTURBING THE PEACE.
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
YOU BETTER HOLD YOUR HOLLERING
TILL TOMORROW, JUDD.
MAYBE MY NEW DEPUTY
WON'T HAVE SUCH
SENSITIVE EARS.
NEW DEPUTY?
I CAN'T HARDLY KEEP ON A DEPUTY
THAT EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING AT.
SHERLOCK HOLMES DEPUTY,
THAT'S A ZINGER, THAT IS.
[ LAUGHS ]
WHEW!
[ LAUGHTER ]
I TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
THAT DEPUTY OF MINE
IS GOOD FOR MORE
COMICAL WISECRACKS
THAN A BARRELFUL OF MONKEYS!
YOU'RE RIGHT, ANDY,
THAT HE IS.
YEAH, WHEN I THINK
OF ALL THE GOOD JOKES
WE CAN GET OFF
ON OLD BARNEY,
I'M ALMOST SORRY
I GOT TO LET HIM GO.
[ LAUGHTER STOPS ]
HOW MUCH I OWE YOU, FLOYD?
YOU GOING TO
FIRE HIM, ANDY?
WELL, OF COURSE.
DEPUTY'S GETTING JOKES
MADE ABOUT HIM,
WHY, THAT FELLA'S LOST
THE CONFIDENCE OF THE PEOPLE.
HE AIN'T MUCH USE TO A SHERIFF
ANYMORE, IS HE?
WHAT'S THE DAMAGE, FLOYD?
OH, IT'S
ONE DOLLAR.
THERE YOU ARE.
DESPERATE OUTLAW
LIKE OLD JUDD.
THAT'S A HUMDINGER,
THAT'N IS.
[ LAUGHS ]
WHOO!
WELL, NATURALLY, AUNT BEE.
YOU DON'T EXPECT ME
TO HOLD ONTO A DEPUTY
THAT'S THE BUTT OF ALL
THEM JOKES, DO YOU? HMM!
THAT WAS A FINE DINNER.
THANK YOU, AUNT BEE.
HOWDY, BARN.
DON'T TRY
AND STOP ME, ANDY.
I THOUGHT IT OVER,
AND THERE AIN'T
NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO.
BUT, BARNEY...
WHY SHOULD YOU WANT
A DEPUTY SHERIFF
THAT AIN'T NOTHIN'
BUT A JOKE.
NO, ANDY, THIS IS IT.
THERE'S ONE CAP,
ONE BADGE...
ONE REVOLVER...
ONE BULLET...
ONE GUN BELT.
ANDY TAYLOR, IF YOU WERE ANY
KIND OF A SHERIFF
YOU'D KNOW
THAT UNLAWFUL ASSEMBLAGE
IS NOTHING TO BE SNEEZED AT.
BUT LUCKILY
FOR THIS TOWN
WE HAVE A DEPUTY SHERIFF
WHO KNOWS HIS DUTY
AND HE DOES IT --
AND WITHOUT SHOWING FAVORITISM.
WELL, AUNT BEE,
I-I-I'D...
SHERIFF...
JUST BECAUSE I'M OLD DON'T MEAN
I DON'T KNOW MY RIGHTS!
BUT...
DON'T YOU BUT ME
NO "BUTS", SHERIFF.
74 OR NO, I CAN STILL DISTURB
THE PEACE WITH THE BEST OF THEM.
AIN'T THAT A FACT,
DEPUTY FIFE?
WELL, UH...
BARNEY, AS THE MAYOR
OF THIS FAIR CITY,
I CAN ONLY SAY
I THANK GOODNESS
WE GOT A DEPUTY SHERIFF
WHO DOES HIS DUTY
WITHOUT FEAR
OF OFFENDING PEOPLE
IN HIGH PLACES.
A MAN WHO SEES HIS DUTY
AND DOES IT.
A MAN WHO
MAKES IT POSSIBLE
FOR ALL OF US TO SLEEP
PEACEFULLY AND SAFELY
IN OUR BEDS AT NIGHT.
[ ALL CHEERING ]
I'M TURNING MYSELF IN,
OLD BUDDY-BUDDY.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
LET'S MOVE IT ALONG HERE.
CLOSE IT UP HERE!
LET'S MOVE IT.
COME ON, LADIES.
WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW?
COME ON!
SUCK IN THAT GUT!
YOU GET IN THERE!
YEAH, THAT'S IT.
ALL RIGHT, GET IN THOSE CELLS
AND STAY THERE.
LET'S HAVE SOME ORDER!
THIS IS A NICE JAIL.
LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY!
WE'LL SEE YOU.
SO LONG, ANDY.
YOU COME BACK, NOW.
OH, I WILL.
WELL, BARNEY, YOU OUGHT TO FEEL
PRETTY SET UP
HAVING ALL THOSE FOLKS
COME RIGHT OUT
AND ADMIT YOU WAS RIGHT
AND THEY WAS WRONG.
I DO, ANDY.
NOT SO MUCH FOR BARNEY FIFE,
THE MAN,
AS BARNEY FIFE,
THE LAW-AND-ORDER FELLER.
I SAY YOU'RE EITHER
A GUARDIAN OF THE LAW
OR YOU AIN'T.
YEAH.
I TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
I'M SURPRISED
YOU DIDN'T GET TO ME, TOO.
UH, WELL, IF YOU WANT TO GET
TECHNICAL ABOUT IT...
HUH?
WELL, YOU COULD BE REPRIMANDED
FOR BEING OUT OF UNIFORM.
I MEAN, NO TIE
AND COLLAR OPEN,
PANTS UNPRESSED,
NOT WEARING A REVOLVER
AND GUN BELT,
SLEEVES ROLLED UP,
YOUR SHOES --
[ WHISTLING SPRIGHTLY TUNE ]
ON THE 4:15 BUS THIS AFTERNOON.
YEAH, YEAH.
SAY, ANDY,
DON'T YOU THINK
WE OUGHTA HAVE
A SIGN MADE
"BARNEY FIFE,
ACTING SHERIFF?"
I DON'T HARDLY SEE
HOW THAT'D
BE WORTHWHILE.
BY THE TIME IT'S READY,
I'LL BE BACK.
OH.
NOW, DON'T FORGET
TO COVER THE SCHOOL CROSSING
AT 3:00.
YEAH, YEAH.
OH, BOY.
SURE GIVES AN ACTING SHERIFF
A GOOD FEELING
TO HAVE THESE BABIES AROUND.
YEAH.
NOW, IF YOU NEED ME
YOU'LL FIND ME AT THE
COURTHOUSE IN CENTERVILLE.
YEAH, SURE.
SAY, YOU KNOW, ANDY,
I BEST BREAK OUT
THEM TEAR GAS BOMBS.
WHAT FOR?
WELL, WHAT IF THERE
SHOULD BE A JAILBREAK?
WELL, I MEAN...
WELL, AN ACTING SHERIFF
NEVER CAN TELL
WHAT HE MIGHT BE
NEEDING 'EM FOR.
I BETTER BREAK 'EM OUT.
BARNEY, IN THE FIRST PLACE,
IN THE WHOLE HISTORY OF MAYBERRY
THEY AIN'T NEVER
BEEN NO NEED FOR 'EM,
AND IN THE SECOND PLACE
THAT ONE BOMB THEY GIVE US
FOUR YEARS AGO IS A SAMPLE.
IT'S PROBABLY SPOILT BY NOW.
AND IN THE THIRD PLACE
I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER
WHERE I HID IT.
OH, IF YOU WAS TO LOSE
THE KEYS TO THE PATROL CAR
THERE'S A EXTRA SET
IN THE TOP DRAWER OF MY DESK.
I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE
TO DEPEND ON THAT OLD RIOT GUN.
IT'S BROKE.
DON'T FORGET TO SWEEP UP
OUT IN THE FRONT.
ANDY, WILL YOU STOP
ALL THAT FUSSING?
A BODY DIDN'T KNOW NO BETTER,
IT'D THINK YOU WASN'T EASY
IN YOUR MIND
ABOUT LEAVING ME IN CHARGE.
IT WOULD?
IT SURE WOULD.
SWEEP UP,
COVER THE SCHOOL CROSSING,
DON'T LOSE THE CAR KEYS.
ANDY, GOSH, IT AIN'T AS IF
YOU WAS LEAVING
SOME YOUNG INEXPERIENCED
WHIPPERSNAPPER IN CHARGE.
YOU'RE LEAVING GOOD OLD
RELIABLE BARNEY FIFE.
YEAH.
ANDY, ARE YOU
TRYING TO TELL ME
YOU DON'T THINK I CAN KEEP
LAW AND ORDER IN MAYBERRY
FOR EIGHT MEASLY
LITTLE OLD HOURS?
IT IS JUST EIGHT MEASLY
LITTLE OLD HOURS.
BARNEY, I WANT YOU TO KNOW
I GOT ALL THE CONFIDENCE
IN THE WORLD IN YOU.
THEM'S THE KIND OF POTATOES
I WAS HOPING I'D HEAR FROM YOU.
[ HORN HONKING OUTSIDE ]
I BETTER HURRY.
THAT BUS GONNA
LEAVE WITHOUT ME.
I PROMISE YOU,
I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.
YOU GO RIGHT ON
TO CENTERVILLE,
AND DO YOUR TESTIFYIN' RELAXED
AND EASY IN YOUR MIND.
BECAUSE YOU'RE
LEAVING THIS TOWN
IN THE GOOD RIGHT HAND
OF BARNEY FIFE.
GOOD.
I'LL SEE YOU, BARNEY.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
[ HORN HONKS ]
HOWDY, BARNEY.
GOOD TO SEE
YOU BACK, SHERIFF.
GOOD TO BE BACK.
EVERYTHING,
UH, ALL RIGHT?
RIGHT AS RAIN, SHERIFF.
YOU DIDN'T THINK I COULD
HANDLE HER, DID YOU?
COME ON, ANDY,
NOW, TELL THE TRUTH.
YOU REALLY DIDN'T THINK
I COULD DO IT, NOW, DID YOU?
NOW, DID YOU?
YOU DOUBTIN' SON OF A GUN.
WELL, NOW, BARNEY,
I GOT TO ADMIT
THERE FOR A MINUTE
THIS MORNING
I DID HAVE MY DOUBTS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK NOW?
WELL, EVERYTHING
LOOKS MIGHTY QUIET.
I TOLD YOU BARNEY FIFE
WOULDN'T LET YOU DOWN.
I TOLD YOU YOU WERE LEAVING
THIS TOWN IN GOOD HANDS.
[ CHUCKLING ]
YEAH.
[ CROWD SHOUTING ]
WELL, NO WONDER
IT'S QUIET IN TOWN.
THE WHOLE POPULATION'S
IN HERE.
LIKE I
PROMISED, SHERIFF.
LAW AND ORDER'S BEEN KEPT
IN MAYBERRY THIS HERE DAY.
WELL, IT'S BEEN KEPT
MORE THIS HERE DAY
THAN ALL THE OTHER DAYS
PUT TOGETHER.
ALL RIGHT, NOW,
JUST QUIET DOWN.
NOW, QUIET. BE QUIET.
EVERYBODY JUST,
JUST QUIET DOWN.
COME ON, COME ON,
QUIET DOWN BACK THERE.
QUIET! WE KNOW HOW TO DEAL
WITH UNRULY PRISONERS.
[ GROWLING ]
YOU GOT 'EM PACKED IN THERE
LIKE SARDINES IN A CAN.
WELL, YOU JUST SWORE ME IN
AS ACTING SHERIFF,
NOT ACTING
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE.
SO I COULDN'T
TRY THEM, COULD I?
NO.
WE BETTER
GET THE CAN OPENERS
AND LET 'EM OUT
SO AS THE ONES IN THE BACK
CAN START BREATHING AGAIN.
NOW, WHEN I LET YOU OUT
IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND
JUST LINE UP
IN FRONT OF MY DESK OVER HERE
AND I GUESS WE CAN
JUST TRY YOU RIGHT NOW.
HELLO, HARRY.
MISS MARY, HOW ARE YOU?
HELLO, JUDD, HOW YOU DOING?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
MAYOR -- MAYOR?!
IT'S AN OUTRAGE,
THAT'S WHAT IT IS -- AN OUTRAGE!
HOW ARE YOU,
MISS JOHNSON?
HELLO, FRANKLIN,
HOW ARE THINGS AT THE BANK?
HELLO, CHARLIE.
HEY, NELLIE,
THAT'S A NICE DRESS.
AUNT BEE?
OH, HE SHOWED NO FAVORITISM.
I'LL SAY THAT FOR HIM.
BUT IT'S ALL I'LL SAY FOR HIM.
COME ALONG, OPIE.
YOU DIDN'T ARREST
OPIE, TOO?
WELL, I COULDN'T LEAVE HIM
HOME ALONE, COULD I?
COME ALONG, CRIMINAL.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M GLAD YOU ALL ARE...
HI, ANDY.
HELLO, THERE, CHESTER.
OTIS, HOW ARE YOU?
YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.
WHAT'D YOU DO,
DROP A NET ON THE WHOLE TOWN?
JUST ABOUT.
[ PEOPLE MURMURING ]
EXCUSE ME,
HERE, EXCUSE ME.
WELL, WE MIGHT AS WELL
GET ON WITH IT, BARNEY.
WHAT'S THE FIRST CASE?
JUDD FLETCHER.
ALL RIGHT,
WHAT'S THE CHARGE?
JUDD FLETCHER,
AGE: 74, HAIR: GRAY
EYES: BLUE...
I KNOW HOW OLD HE IS,
AND I KNOW HIS NAME,
AND I CAN SEE THE COLOR
OF HIS HAIR AND EYES.
NOW, JUST READ OFF
THE CHARGE, BARNEY.
VIOLATION OF MUNICIPAL
CODE NUMBER 721-8,
DISTURBING THE PEACE.
DISTURBING THE PEACE?
OLD JUDD HERE?
HE'S TETCHED, ANDY.
I AIN'T HAD THE STRENGTH
TO DISTURB THE PEACE
NIGH ON TO 30 YEARS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT DON'T
TAKE MUCH STRENGTH
TO THROW A CHECKERBOARD
OFF THE PORCH
OF THE MAYBERRY HOTEL
AND CALL OLD CHESTER JONES
A TWO-FACED CHEATING LIAR
AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS.
THAT'S DISTURBING THE PEACE,
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.
UH-HUH. JUDD, WOULD
YOU MIND HOLLERING
"TWO-FACED, CHEATING LIAR"
AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS?
[ Quietly ]
CHESTER JONES, YOU'RE
A TWO-FACED CHEATING LIAR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, HE DID
WILLFULLY
AND WITH MALICE AFORETHOUGHT
THROW A CHECKERBOARD
FULL OF CHECKERS.
COULD HAVE BLINDED SOMEBODY.
WELL, NOW, SEEING AS
HOW THAT'S BEEN GOING ON
BETWEEN CHESTER
AND OLD JUDD HERE
FOR AROUND 20 YEARS,
THAT'S MORE A PART
OF THE PEACE
THAN IT IS
DISTURBING THE PEACE.
CASE DISMISSED, JUDD.
YOU CAN GO ON HOME.
THANK YOU, ANDY.
AND THANK YOU,
TOO, BARNEY.
WHAT FOR?
CONSIDERING
THE KIND OF CRIME I DONE,
FOR NOT TRYING TO GET ME HUNG.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NEXT CASE.
BEE TAYLOR.
AUNT BEE,
ARE YOU BACK THERE?
COME ON THROUGH.
WHAT'S THE CHARGE?
BEE TAYLOR --
AGE --
YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD,
BARNEY FIFE,
AND YOU'LL REGRET IT.
WHAT'S THE CHARGE,
BARNEY?
CODE NUMBER 421:
UNLAWFUL ASSEMBLAGE
AND INCITING TO RIOT.
AUNT BEE?!
YES, AUNT BEE.
[ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I WAS STANDING
IN FRONT OF THE COURTHOUSE
CHATTING WITH A GROUP OF LADIES.
THAT'S UNLAWFUL
ASSEMBLAGE IN MY BOOK.
AND I ASKED THEM
REAL NICE TO MOVE ALONG.
BUT AUNT BEE KEPT
RIGHT ON TALKING.
SO I ASKED HER AGAIN AND
SHE SAID, "STOP INTERRUPTING."
AND THEN ONE OF THE WOMEN
RAISED HER UMBRELLA TO ME.
NOW, THAT'S
INCITING A RIOT.
WELL, NOW, BARNEY
IT LOOKS LIKE TO ME
YOU COULD HAVE OVERLOOKED IT,
SEEING AS HOW THE WOMEN
ALWAYS DO CONGREGATE
IN FRONT
OF THE COURTHOUSE HERE
AND TALK TO ONE ANOTHER
AND HAVE BEEN RIGHT ON
AND SEEING AS HOW
IT WAS AUNT BEE...
OH, OVERLOOK NOTHING.
HE WAS TOO BUSY YELLING,
"THERE'LL BE NO FAVORITISM
IN BARNEY FIFE'S
ADMINISTRATION."
YOU GONNA
FINGERPRINT ME, BARNEY?
OH, DON'T JOKE, HONEY.
HE'S LIABLE TO SEND YOU
UP TO STATE PRISON.
NEXT CASE.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
MAYOR PIKE.
OH, UH,
HOW ARE YOU, MAYOR?
HOW AM I?
WHAT'S THE CHARGE,
BARNEY?
VIOLATION OF CODE
NUMBER FOUR --
COME ON, BARNEY.
WHAT'S THE CHARGE?
439: VAGRANCY AND LOITERING.
VAGRANCY AND LOITERING?
THE MAYOR?
UH, I DON'T KNOW, BARNEY.
HE LOOKS PRETTY SOBER TO ME.
BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIM
WHEN I NABBED HIM, ANDY.
I MADE A CHALK LINE
AND TOLD HIM TO WALK IT.
KNOW WHAT HE SAID?
WHAT?
"WHAT LINE?"
I GOT THIS ONE
DEAD TO RIGHTS.
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID --
"WHAT LINE?"
THAT WHAT
YOU SAID, OTIS?
YUP.
WELL, I JUST
DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
THREE HOURS AGO, YOU
COULDN'T SEE A CHALK LINE.
NOW, HOW YOU
EXPLAIN THAT, OTIS?
MAYBE I DIDN'T SEE
THAT THERE LINE
'CAUSE I WASN'T
WEARING MY SPECS.
DRUNK OR SOBER, I CAN'T TELL
VERY MUCH WITHOUT MY GLASSES.
WELL, WERE YOU DRUNK WHEN
DEPUTY FIFE ARRESTED YOU?
I CAN'T TELL.
I WASN'T WEARING MY GLASSES.
I'M AFRAID I'M GOING
TO HAVE TO
DISMISS HIM, BARNEY.
YOU CAN GO, OTIS.
THANKS, ANDY.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
UH, BARNEY...
I HAD 'EM, ANDY.
I HAD 'EM ALL
DEAD TO RIGHTS.
YOU CAN CHECK
THE MANUAL.
EVERY ONE OF 'EM
WAS AS GUILTY AS SIN.
NOW, LISTEN TO ME, BARNEY.
LISTEN TO ME JUST A MINUTE.
NOW, IT'S TRUE YOU HAD 'EM ALL
DEAD TO RIGHTS BY THE BOOK.
BUT NOW, IF YOU WENT
STRICTLY BY THE BOOK,
WHY, I DON'T RECKON WE'D
HAVE ANYTHING IN THIS COUNTRY
BUT 180 MILLION JAILBIRDS.
YEAH.
YEAH, I GUESS
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I GUESS I WAS JUST
TRYING TO SHOW YOU
HOW MUCH YOU
COULD DEPEND ON ME.
WELL, NOW, I, I, I
KNOW YOU WERE, BARNEY.
AND I APPRECIATE THAT.
BUT, WELL, I GUESS YOU
TRIED JUST A MITE TOO HARD.
YEAH.
WELL, LIKE THEY SAY,
"ONCE BURNT IS A LESSON LEARNT."
RIGHT.
"ONE MISTAKE, BETTER CAKE."
"ONCE BIT, BEST FORGIT."
OOH.
GETTING THINNER
ALL THE TIME, MAYOR.
I'VE GOT SOME TONIC
THAT'S GUARANTEED TO GROW HAIR
OVER YOUR EYES.
I DON'T WANT HAIR
OVER MY EYES.
I WANT IT OVER MY HEAD.
THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
[ SNIFFS ]
HI, FELLERS.
WELL, IF IT AIN'T
OLD WILD BILL FIFE.
DUCK, EVERYBODY!
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MAYOR, I DON'T
THINK YOU OUGHT
TO CALL OLD BARNEY HERE
"WILD BILL."
HE'S MUCH MORE LIKE
THAT THERE WYATT EARP FELLA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
Floyd:
OH, NO,
WAIT A MINUTE...
OH, NOW, COME ON,
FELLAS, I...
DON'T LAUGH.
NO, IT AIN'T
EVERY DEPUTY
THAT CAN SMOKE OUT
A DESPERATE OUTLAW
LIKE OLD JUDD!
Pete: DID HE GIVE YOU
MUCH FIGHT, WYATT?
HE SURE DID.
HE SHOT OLD WYATT HERE
FULL OF CHECKERS!
[ GUFFAWING ]
I DON'T THINK WE OUGHT
TO BE MAKING FUN
OF OLD BARN HERE.
NO, FACT IS,
MAYBERRY DON'T DESERVE
A LAW OFFICER
LIKE HIM.
YOU KNOW WHAT, IF WE
WAS REAL GOOD PATRIOTS
WE'D GET IN TOUCH
WITH THE GOVERNMENT
AND OFFER THEM A TRADE --
BARNEY HERE
FOR J. EDGAR HOOVER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S SO FUNNY!
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
BARNEY, QUICK,
YOU GOT TO CATCH HIM!
WHO?
THE FELLA JUST HIT AND RUN!
WHERE?!
OUT TO THE BASEBALL FIELD!
[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
HI, BARN.
OH, NOW, BARNEY,
ARE YOU STILL FRETTING
ABOUT THAT BUSINESS?
NOW, LIKE YOU SAID,
"ONCE BIT, BEST FORGIT."
FORGET?! HOW'S A FELLER
SUPPOSED TO FORGET
WHEN THE WHOLE DANG TOWN
IS LAUGHING AT HIM?
OH, NOW, BARNEY,
YOU'RE JUST BEING
EXTRA-SENSITIVE.
THEY DON'T MEAN
ANYTHING BY IT.
THEY'RE JUST HAVING A LITTLE
SPELL OF INNOCENT FUN.
INNOCENT FUN?
WELL, MAYBE IT DON'T SEEM
SO INNOCENT
WHEN YOU'RE WHAT
THEY'RE HAVING THE FUN AT.
FORGET, YOU SAY.
HOW'S A FELLER
SUPPOSED TO FORGET
WHEN EVERYBODY IN TOWN
IS REMINDING HIM OF IT
EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY?
OH, NOW, BARNEY.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
SHERIFF'S OFFICE.
WHAT? WHERE?
WHAT WAS THAT?
SOMEBODY WANTED DEPUTY FIFE
TO COME OVER TO THE POST OFFICE.
THERE WAS A BIG FIGHT
OVER THERE.
BIG FIGHT?
YEAH.
THE POSTMASTER
JUST LICKED A BUNCH OF STAMPS.
IT'S A JOKE, ANDY.
WHY AIN'T YOU LAUGHING?
I AM.
MORNING, BARNEY.
MORNING.
BARNEY...
UH...
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
BARNEY,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
'COURSE I'M ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THE REASON I ASKED
IS THE WAY YOU'RE DRESSED.
WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THE WAY I'M DRESSED?
YOUR TIE IS CROOKED.
YOUR PANTS LOOK LIKE
THEY WERE SLEPT IN
BY A FELLA THAT TOSSED
AND TURNED ALL NIGHT.
HOW YOU EXPLAIN THAT?
I SLEPT IN 'EM
AND TOSSED AND TURNED ALL NIGHT.
WELL, BARNEY, THIS
IS JUST NOT LIKE YOU.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU GOT
TO SAY TO ALL THIS?
OH, I KNOW,
YOU'RE ACTING THIS WAY
BECAUSE THEY LAUGHED AT YOU.
WELL, YOU CAN MAKE THEM
STOP LAUGHING.
JUST STAND UP STRAIGHT
AND NEAT LIKE YOU USED TO
AND LOOK THEM RIGHT
IN THE EYE, SAYING,
"I'M BARNEY FIFE, DEPUTY
SHERIFF, AS GOOD A MAN AS ANY."
NOW, COME ON,
GIVE HER A TRY.
[ Listless ]
I'M BARNEY FIFE, DEPUTY SHERIFF,
AND I'M AS GOOD A MAN AS ANY.
YOU'RE BARNEY FIFE,
DEPUTY SHERIFF
AND YOU'RE AS GOOD A MAN AS ANY.
TRY HER AGAIN.
YOU'RE BARNEY FIFE,
DEPUTY SHERIFF
AND YOU'RE AS GOOD A MAN AS ANY.
TRY HER AGAIN.
BARNEY, YOU'RE
NOT TRYING AT ALL.
I DECLARE, I DON'T...
[ HORN HONKS ]
WHAT DID I DO WRONG, SHERIFF?
NOTHING, HILDA MAY,
I WAS JUST HOPING
YOU MIGHT BE ABLE
TO HELP ME SET
SOMETHING RIGHT.
ME? HOW?
WELL, LIKE THE FELLA SAYS
WHEN IN DOUBT,
HAVE A LITTLE TALK
WITH THE GIRL THE FELLA'S
GOT A SWEET TOOTH FOR.
COME ON IN
AND SET DOWN.
IT'S BARNEY, HILDA MAY.
HE'S, UH, HE'S
FEELING MIGHTY LOW.
I KNOW.
HE NEEDS BUILDING UP.
HE NEEDS ADMIRING REAL BAD.
I KNOW IT, SHERIFF.
I TRIED TO DO JUST THAT
LAST NIGHT.
YOU DID?
UH-HUH.
WE HAD A DATE.
I'D HEARD WHAT HE'D DONE
SO I WASN'T TOO SURPRISED
WHEN HE CAME OVER JUST DRAGGING
AND LOOKING LIKE
A SAD OLD HOUND DOG.
WELL, KNOWING HIM AS I DO
I KNEW I HAD MY WORK
CUT OUT FOR ME.
SHERIFF, I TELL YOU,
I BUTTERED THAT FELLA UP
FRONTWAYS, BACKWAYS, SIDEWAYS,
AND EDGEWISE.
I DROOLED OVER THE SHAPE
OF HIS NOSE.
I ADMIRED HIS SUIT.
AND I OOHED ABOUT THE SIZE
OF HIS MUSCLES.
AND THAT ISN'T THE HALF OF IT.
I TOLD HIM HOW SMART HE WAS...
I ACTED HOW LUCKY I WAS...
AND I SAT BENT OVER SOME
SO'S HE'D FEEL TALLER.
I TELL YOU, SHERIFF,
THAT FELLA WAS SO BUTTERED UP
IF YOU TRIED TO GRAB HIM, HE'D
SQUOOSH RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HAND.
YES, SIR,
AND IT WAS BEGINNING TO WORK.
HE WAS REALLY PERKING UP.
AND THEN I MADE MY BIG MISTAKE.
I STARTED RUNNING MY FINGERS
THROUGH HIS HAIR
AND MUSSED IT UP.
HE LOOKED SO SILLY
I COULDN'T HELP LAUGHING.
HE CAN'T STAND
TO BE LAUGHED AT.
YEAH, I KNOW IT. HE'S
GOTTEN PRETTY SENSITIVE.
I TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
I JUST DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO
FOR THE POOR FELLA
ANYMORE.
YEAH.
IT ISN'T RIGHT, SHERIFF.
FOLKS ARE REALLY
SO FOND OF HIM.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, THEY ARE.
SURE, EVERYBODY
LIKES BARNEY.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO BAD.
THEY DON'T REALIZE
THEY'RE HURTING HIM.
IT'S JUST A JOKE TO THEM.
UH-HUH.
WELL, NOW, THAT'S
PROBABLY BECAUSE
THEY'VE NEVER THOUGHT
ABOUT IT
QUITE THAT WAY BEFORE.
THAT WILL NEVER DO.
NOW HOLD ON THERE.
ARE WE PLAYING CHECKERS
OR HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK?
I'M PLAYING CHECKERS.
BUT I'LL BE DANGED
IF I CAN FIGURE OUT
WHAT YOU'RE PLAYING!
IS THAT A FACT,
YOU OLD --
BUB-BUB-BUB,
MIND YOUR LANGUAGE.
YOU GO HOLLERING NAMES AT ME
I GOT TO HOLLER
SOME BACK AT YOU.
NEXT THING, THIS SHERLOCK HOLMES
DEPUTY OF ANDY'S HERE
WILL BE RUNNING US IN
FOR DISTURBING THE PEACE.
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
YOU BETTER HOLD YOUR HOLLERING
TILL TOMORROW, JUDD.
MAYBE MY NEW DEPUTY
WON'T HAVE SUCH
SENSITIVE EARS.
NEW DEPUTY?
I CAN'T HARDLY KEEP ON A DEPUTY
THAT EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING AT.
SHERLOCK HOLMES DEPUTY,
THAT'S A ZINGER, THAT IS.
[ LAUGHS ]
WHEW!
[ LAUGHTER ]
I TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
THAT DEPUTY OF MINE
IS GOOD FOR MORE
COMICAL WISECRACKS
THAN A BARRELFUL OF MONKEYS!
YOU'RE RIGHT, ANDY,
THAT HE IS.
YEAH, WHEN I THINK
OF ALL THE GOOD JOKES
WE CAN GET OFF
ON OLD BARNEY,
I'M ALMOST SORRY
I GOT TO LET HIM GO.
[ LAUGHTER STOPS ]
HOW MUCH I OWE YOU, FLOYD?
YOU GOING TO
FIRE HIM, ANDY?
WELL, OF COURSE.
DEPUTY'S GETTING JOKES
MADE ABOUT HIM,
WHY, THAT FELLA'S LOST
THE CONFIDENCE OF THE PEOPLE.
HE AIN'T MUCH USE TO A SHERIFF
ANYMORE, IS HE?
WHAT'S THE DAMAGE, FLOYD?
OH, IT'S
ONE DOLLAR.
THERE YOU ARE.
DESPERATE OUTLAW
LIKE OLD JUDD.
THAT'S A HUMDINGER,
THAT'N IS.
[ LAUGHS ]
WHOO!
WELL, NATURALLY, AUNT BEE.
YOU DON'T EXPECT ME
TO HOLD ONTO A DEPUTY
THAT'S THE BUTT OF ALL
THEM JOKES, DO YOU? HMM!
THAT WAS A FINE DINNER.
THANK YOU, AUNT BEE.
HOWDY, BARN.
DON'T TRY
AND STOP ME, ANDY.
I THOUGHT IT OVER,
AND THERE AIN'T
NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO.
BUT, BARNEY...
WHY SHOULD YOU WANT
A DEPUTY SHERIFF
THAT AIN'T NOTHIN'
BUT A JOKE.
NO, ANDY, THIS IS IT.
THERE'S ONE CAP,
ONE BADGE...
ONE REVOLVER...
ONE BULLET...
ONE GUN BELT.
ANDY TAYLOR, IF YOU WERE ANY
KIND OF A SHERIFF
YOU'D KNOW
THAT UNLAWFUL ASSEMBLAGE
IS NOTHING TO BE SNEEZED AT.
BUT LUCKILY
FOR THIS TOWN
WE HAVE A DEPUTY SHERIFF
WHO KNOWS HIS DUTY
AND HE DOES IT --
AND WITHOUT SHOWING FAVORITISM.
WELL, AUNT BEE,
I-I-I'D...
SHERIFF...
JUST BECAUSE I'M OLD DON'T MEAN
I DON'T KNOW MY RIGHTS!
BUT...
DON'T YOU BUT ME
NO "BUTS", SHERIFF.
74 OR NO, I CAN STILL DISTURB
THE PEACE WITH THE BEST OF THEM.
AIN'T THAT A FACT,
DEPUTY FIFE?
WELL, UH...
BARNEY, AS THE MAYOR
OF THIS FAIR CITY,
I CAN ONLY SAY
I THANK GOODNESS
WE GOT A DEPUTY SHERIFF
WHO DOES HIS DUTY
WITHOUT FEAR
OF OFFENDING PEOPLE
IN HIGH PLACES.
A MAN WHO SEES HIS DUTY
AND DOES IT.
A MAN WHO
MAKES IT POSSIBLE
FOR ALL OF US TO SLEEP
PEACEFULLY AND SAFELY
IN OUR BEDS AT NIGHT.
[ ALL CHEERING ]
I'M TURNING MYSELF IN,
OLD BUDDY-BUDDY.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
LET'S MOVE IT ALONG HERE.
CLOSE IT UP HERE!
LET'S MOVE IT.
COME ON, LADIES.
WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW?
COME ON!
SUCK IN THAT GUT!
YOU GET IN THERE!
YEAH, THAT'S IT.
ALL RIGHT, GET IN THOSE CELLS
AND STAY THERE.
LET'S HAVE SOME ORDER!
THIS IS A NICE JAIL.
LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY!
WE'LL SEE YOU.
SO LONG, ANDY.
YOU COME BACK, NOW.
OH, I WILL.
WELL, BARNEY, YOU OUGHT TO FEEL
PRETTY SET UP
HAVING ALL THOSE FOLKS
COME RIGHT OUT
AND ADMIT YOU WAS RIGHT
AND THEY WAS WRONG.
I DO, ANDY.
NOT SO MUCH FOR BARNEY FIFE,
THE MAN,
AS BARNEY FIFE,
THE LAW-AND-ORDER FELLER.
I SAY YOU'RE EITHER
A GUARDIAN OF THE LAW
OR YOU AIN'T.
YEAH.
I TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
I'M SURPRISED
YOU DIDN'T GET TO ME, TOO.
UH, WELL, IF YOU WANT TO GET
TECHNICAL ABOUT IT...
HUH?
WELL, YOU COULD BE REPRIMANDED
FOR BEING OUT OF UNIFORM.
I MEAN, NO TIE
AND COLLAR OPEN,
PANTS UNPRESSED,
NOT WEARING A REVOLVER
AND GUN BELT,
SLEEVES ROLLED UP,
YOUR SHOES --
[ WHISTLING SPRIGHTLY TUNE ]