The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968): Season 1, Episode 11 - Christmas Story - full transcript

WELL, I'M SORRY, BOYS.

THAT'S THE ONLY KIND
OF PILLOWS WE GOT.

OH, HOWDY, BARNEY.

GOT THE MAIL, DID YOU?

YEAH. GOT ANOTHER BUNCH
OF CHRISTMAS CARDS.

MORE CHRISTMAS CARDS,
I DECLARE.

SEEM LIKE MORE FOLKS
REMEMBERED US THIS YEAR

THAN THEY EVER DID.
YEAH.

I REALLY DO LOVE
TO GET 'EM, TOO.

I'D RATHER OPEN
CHRISTMAS CARDS

THAN ANYTHING I KNOW OF.



OH, DeFLOYD,
UH-HUH.

I AIN'T SEEN HIM
IN A LONG TIME.

OH, THAT'S PRETTY.

AIN'T THAT NICE?

YEAH.

"HAVE THE MERRIEST
CHRISTMAS EVER.

HAPPY NEW YEAR." BOY.

HEY, ANDY, REMEMBER
THE HUBACHER BROTHERS?

OH, YEAH. THEY SENT US A CARD
THIS YEAR, DID THEY?

YEAH. THEY ALWAYS SEND OUT
SUCH A NICE FAMILY PICTURE.

YEAH.
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

UP IN STATE PRISON.

YEAH?

THAT'S NICE.



I DECLARE,
I BELIEVE I LIKE

THE ONE THEY SENT LAST YEAR
BETTER, THOUGH.

IT WAS MORE OUTDOORSY
AND CHRISTMASY FEELING TO IT.

THEY WAS WORKING
OUT ON THE COUNTY ROAD THEN.

OH, YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.

LOOK AT THAT ELMER.

YEAH.
HE'S THE BABY, AIN'T HE?

YEAH.
AIN'T HE GROWED?

"MERRY CHRISTMAS
FROM STATE PRISON."

YEAH. I THINK
IT'S JUST WONDERFUL

THAT THEY'RE ALL TOGETHER
AT CHRISTMAS.

I DO, TOO.

OH, THERE'S ONE FOR YOU
MARKED "PERSONAL.

OH.

[ HUMMING CHEERFUL TUNE ]

OOH, AIN'T THAT
PRETTY? RED.

OH.

[ CHUCKLING ]

THAT'S SWEET.

WELL, WHO'S IT FROM?

WHAT?

THAT CARD THERE,
WHO'S IT FROM?

THE CARD?

YEAH.

OH.

[ MUMBLING ]

WHO?

HILDA MAY.

OH, YOUR
SWEETHEART SENT YOU

A CARD FOR
CHRISTMAS, DID SHE?

YEAH. CHRISTMAS. SHE WOULD.

YEAH? WHAT'D SHE SAY
THAT WAS SWEET?

"SWEET"?

YEAH. I HEARD YOU SAY

"SWEET" WHILE YOU
WAS READING IT.

OH, SHE SAID...SAID,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS."

YEAH?

MM-HMM.

WHAT ELSE'D SHE SAY
THAT WAS SWEET?

"MERRY CHRISTMAS, BARNEY."

COME ON, BARNEY, YOU CAN
TELL ME WHAT SHE SAID.

WHAT'D SHE SAY TO YOU
THAT WAS SO SWEET?

"MERRY CHRISTMAS,
BARNEY PARNEY POOH."

"POOH"?

POOH! I DON'T WANT
TO OPEN ANY MORE CARDS.

WELL, TRY PUTTING A FEW OF THESE

UP ON THE BULLETIN BOARD
THERE, WILL YOU?

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

HELLO?

OH, HEY, AUNT BEE.

YES, MA'AM. I GOT
THE DOODADS FOR THE TREE.

AND ELEANOR,
SHE'S BRINGIN' THE EGGNOG

AND NOW WE GOT TO HAVE SOMEBODY
TO PLAY SANTA CLAUS TONIGHT

AND WE'RE SET.

HUH? NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE
SANTA CLAUS AGAIN THIS YEAR.

I WAS LAST YEAR.

WHAT?

BARNEY?

WELL, I RECKON I COULD TELL OPIE

THAT SANTA CLAUS
HAS BEEN ON A DIET.

I STILL THINK
HE'S A MITE SKINNY FOR THE JOB,

BUT I'LL GIVE IT A TRY.

HEY, BARNEY.

SAY SOMETHIN'
LIKE SANTA CLAUS.

HO, HO, HO, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

TRY PUTTIN' A "POOH"
ON THE END OF IT.

OH, NOTHIN', AUNT BEE.

I WAS JUST PICKIN'
AT BARNEY A LITTLE BIT.

I'LL BE HOME
PRETTY SOON, I RECKON.

COUPLE OF HOURS, I RECKON.

AIN'T NOTHIN' MUCH
GOING ON DOWN HERE.

ALL RIGHT.

BYE.

OH, BOY, WE GONNA HAVE
A GOOD TIME TONIGHT.

AUNT BEE'S GOT EVERYTHING.

WE GONNA SING AND LAUGH,

AND YOU' BE SANTA CLAUS.

NO, I WON'T.
WELL, WHY NOT?

I AIN'T GONNA BE THERE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU AIN'T GONNA BE THERE?

OH, NOT 'CAUSE
I PICKED AT YOU

A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT HILDA MAY.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

THAT AIN'T IT, ANDY.

WHAT IS IT, THEN?

WELL, AS LONG
AS WE GOT US

SOME PRISONERS
IN THE CELLS THERE,

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO
STAY HERE ON DUTY.

OH, YEAH, NOW, THAT DOES
MAKE A PROBLEM, DON'T IT?

IT SURE DOES.

WITH A LITTLE PRACTICE,
I COULD HAVE DONE

A MEAN "HO, HO, HO,
MERRY CHRISTMAS."

YEAH, YEAH.

HEY, BARNEY, I
JUST HAD A THOUGHT.

NOW, WHAT DO WE GOT THEM BOYS
IN THERE FOR?

WELL, JIM THERE
WAS DISTURBING
THE PEACE....

NO, THAT AIN'T
WHAT I MEAN.

WE GOT THEM IN THERE
TO KIND OF TEACH THEM A LESSON.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT?

YEAH.

YEAH. WELL, DON'T THAT MAKE THEM
KIND OF LIKE STUDENTS

AND US KIND OF
LIKE TEACHERS

AND THIS HERE JAIL HERE
KIND OF LIKE A SCHOOL?

YEAH.

YEAH. WELL, EVERYBODY
KNOWS THE STUDENTS

GET A VACATION FROM
SCHOOL DURING CHRISTMAS.

YEAH!

YEAH. SURE.

ALL RIGHT, STUDENTS,

I'M GONNA LET YOU
OUT OF SCHOOL

TILL AFTER CHRISTMAS.

[ PRISONERS SHOUTING ]

NOW, NOW, LISTEN.

LISTEN HERE, NOW.

ANY STUDENT THAT AIN'T BACK
AS SOON AS CHRISTMAS IS OVER

IS GONNA BE PICKED UP

BY THIS TRUANT OFFICER
RIGHT HERE

AND DO A WHOLE LOT OF
EXTRA STAYING AFTER SCHOOL.

NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

YUP. UNDERSTAND.

ALL RIGHT.
SCHOOL'S DISMISSED.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, ANDY.

[ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ]

THANKS, BARNEY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

BE CAREFUL CROSSING
THE STREET, NOW,

AND DON'T DRINK TOO MUCH.

YEAH.

WELL, NOW, I DON'T SEE

WHY WE HAVE TO HAVE
A TEACHER ON DUTY

WITH AN EMPTY SCHOOL,
DO YOU?

NO. HEY, LISTEN, ANDY.
HOW'S THIS SOUND TO YOU?

HO, HO, HO!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

OH, THAT SOUNDS THE BEST
SANTA CLAUS I EVER HEARD.

ALL RIGHT, SHERIFF,
LOCK HIM UP.

WHAT FOR?

MOONSHINING.

I CAUGHT HIM RED-HANDED.

AND HERE'S THE EVIDENCE.

HMM.

EWW.

WELL, I'LL HAVE TO ADMIT,
IT AIN'T EXACTLY SARSAPARILLA.

I WASN'T MEANING
TO SELL IT, SHERIFF.

I...I JUST MADE A BATCH
TO KIND OF MERRY UP CHRISTMAS.

A-HA. HE ADMITS IT.
HE CONFESSED.

YOU HEARD HIM, SHERIFF.
LOCK HIM UP.

LOCK HIM UP?

BUT SCHOOL'S OUT.

I MEAN...

COME ON, SHERIFF, DO YOUR DUTY.

WELL, NOW, BEN, YOU HEARD HIM
SAY HE DIDN'T MAKE IT TO SELL,

AND AFTER ALL,
TOMORROW BEIN' CHRISTMAS

AND SAM, HERE,
BEIN' A FAMILY MAN

AND CHRISTMAS BEIN'
A FAMILY HOLIDAY,

I WAS JUST WONDERIN'...

NO, SIR.

I'D LIKE TO SEE HOW
FORGIVIN' YOU'D BE

IF YOU HAD A STORE
THAT SOLD SPIRITS

AND HALF THE COUNTY WAS
CUTTIN' IN ON YOUR SALES

BY MAKIN' THEIR OWN,
AGAIN' THE LAW.

WELL, NOW, I KNOW
HOW YOU FEEL, BEN.

BUT LIKE I SAY, AFTER ALL,
IT IS CHRISTMAS.

CHRISTMAS?
HA!

NOW, NOW, BEN,
I GIVE YOU MY WORD.

I GIVE YOU MY WORD,
RIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS

I'LL ARREST HIM
AND TRY HIM

STRICTLY ACCORDIN'
TO THE LAW.

NO, AND I'M GONNA KEEP
MY EYE ON THIS JAILHOUSE,

AND IF THIS HERE MOONSHINER
AIN'T IN THAT CELL

EVERY MINUTE OF THE TIME,

I'M GONNA REPORT YOU
TO THE STATE OFFICIALS

FOR BEIN' DERELICT
IN YOUR DUTY.

AND YOU KNOW THEY GOT
ENOUGH PULL UP THERE

TO MAKE IT STICK.

BUT IT'S CHRISTMAS.

CHRISTMAS? HA!

IF THAT AIN'T THE MEANEST,
ORNERIEST, LOW-DOWNEST MAN.

WELL, COME ON, SAM.

I'M SORRY.

I TRIED TO TALK TO HIM,

BUT I'VE HAD DEALINGS
WITH HIM BEFORE

AND I DECLARE, YOU
JUST CAN'T DO
ANYTHING WITH HIM.

YEAH. I SURE FEEL LOW
THINKIN' OF MY FAMILY

SPENDIN' CHRISTMAS
WITHOUT THEIR PAPPY.

YEAH.

ANDY?

HMM?

COULDN'T WE JUST
DISMISS SCHOOL AGAIN?

NO, I'M AFRAID
NOT, BARNEY.

IF IT WAS JUST
UP TO ME, WE COULD,

BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT.

AND HE'S RIGHT.

HE COULD MAKE A WHOLE
LOT OF TROUBLE FOR US.

YEAH, AND I SURE
WAS LOOKIN' FORWARD

TO PLAYIN' SANTA CLAUS.

* JINGLE BELLS

* JINGLE BELLS

* JINGLE ALL...

NO, BY DOG.

THERE'S MORE THAN ONE WAY
TO PLUCK A BUZZARD!

YES, SIR.

ALL RIGHT.

GET IN THERE,
YOUNG 'UNS.

GOT A HUG
FOR YOUR DADDY?

WE'RE GONNA HAVE
A MERRY CHRISTMAS
AFTER ALL.

ALL RIGHT, SHERIFF, I WARNED YOU
I WAS GONNA BE WATCHING OUT

FOR YOUR SHENANIGANS.

SHENANIGANS?
I DON'T RIGHTLY KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT, BEN.

OH, DON'T YOU?

THEN WHY'D YOU BRING
SAM'S WIFE AND YOUNG 'UNS HERE?

WHY, I WAS JUST
TENDING TO

MY SWORN DUTY LIKE
YOU TOLD ME TO.

"SWORN DUTY"?

WHY, CERTAINLY.

I DIDN'T LET THE FACT
IT WAS CHRISTMAS

KEEP ME FROM
ARRESTIN' 'EM.

"ARRESTIN' 'EM"?

YEAH!

BESS, DID YOU KNOW

THAT THE PARTY
OF THE FIRST PART

ONE SAM MUGGINS
IS MAKING A BATCH

OF MOONSHINE?

EFFIE, HONEY,
DID YOU KNOW?

BILLY?

THERE YOU ARE.

IF THAT DON'T MAKE
THEM ACCESSORIES

BEFORE, DURING,
AND AFTER THE FACT,

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT DOES.

BUT--BUT...

YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME

TO LET THREE SUCH
DESPERATE CRIMINALS

RUN AROUND LOOSE
IN OUR FAIR TOWN, WOULD YOU?

WELL, I, UH...

AH, GOOD!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
BARNEY!

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
EVERYBODY.

OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS,
AUNT BEE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

LET ME HELP YOU HERE.

I HOPE YOU MADE THAT
GOOD ORANGE DRESSING

LIKE YOU DID LAST YEAR.

SHERIFF!

LOOK AT THAT
GOOD-LOOKING TURKEY.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE OUT THERE
TO COME IN, AUNT BEE?

OH, YES, BARNEY.

THERE'S A WHOLE BASKETFUL
OF FOOD OUT THERE.

I BETTER GIVE YOU A HAND.

GIVE 'EM A HAND.
HELP EVERYBODY.

LISTEN HERE, SHERIFF...

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
EVERYBODY.

AH, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

OH, LOOK AT
THAT EGGNOG!

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE
A LITTLE BITE OF THAT.

MMM.

LET ME GET
AROUND HERE.

GOLLY, THAT'S
GOOD EGGNOG.

BEN, YOU WANT
A LITTLE EGGNOG?

NO, I DON'T!

HOW ABOUT YOU?

I JUST WANT TO KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE,

THAT'S ALL.

WHAT'S GOING ON

IS I'M JUST TAKING
YOUR GOOD ADVICE, BEN.

MY ADVICE? WHEN DID I ADVISE YOU
TO HAVE A PARTY HERE?

OH, PARTY...GOLLY, NO.

I JUST GOT TO WONDERIN'

WAS I BEING
DUTIFUL ENOUGH

LEAVING THESE
DESPERATE CHARACTERS HERE

GUARDED BY ONLY
ONE DEPUTY.

"NO, SIR,"
I SAYS TO MYSELF.

SO I JUST WENT OUT
AND SWORE ME IN A FEW
MORE DEPUTIES.

NO, SIR!

AIN'T NOBODY
GONNA ESCAPE

FROM THIS JAIL
THIS NIGHT.

Barney:
OKAY, SAM,
SHE'S ALL READY.

LOOK, KIDS--
THEY GOT US A CHRISTMAS TREE!

PUT IT BACK
OVER THERE, BARNEY.

THANK YOU.

AIN'T THAT PRETTY?

OH, BOY, THAT'S
A PRETTY TREE.

A LITTLE TREE
FOR A LITTLE ROOM.

PUT HER RIGHT ON
THAT TABLE THERE.

IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL
LOCKING UP A PRISONER?

OH...WELL, I JUST GOT
TO THINKING

WITH ALL THESE DEPUTIES
I GOT ON DUTY HERE

NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME
TO TRY OUT THE HONOR SYSTEM

THE STATE PENAL COMMISSION
RECOMMENDED.

IT'S DISGRACEFUL.

THAT'S WHAT IT IS--
DISGRACEFUL!

A PRISONER IS FOR PUNISHIN',
NOT FOR PICNICKIN'.

WELL, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
A PRISON WAS A PLACE

FOR TEACHIN' WRONGDOERS
TO GET BACK ON THE PATH.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT?

WELL, YES, BUT...

SAM, YOU FIGURIN' ON DOIN'
ANY MORE MOONSHININ'

WHEN YOU GET OUT?

NO, SHERIFF.

YOU SEE? IT'S
WORKING ALREADY.

I BETTER HELP YOU

WITH THAT TREE, BARNEY.

* DECK THE HALLS
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY *

* FA-LA-LA-LA-LA,
LA-LA-LA-LA *

* 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY

* FA-LA-LA-LA-LA,
LA-LA-LA-LA *

* DON WE NOW
OUR GAY APPAREL *

* FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA,
LA-LA-LA *

* TROLL THE ANCIENT
YULETIDE CAROL *

* FA-LA-LA-LA-LA,
LA-LA-LA-LA *

[ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ]

* DECK THE HALLS
WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY *

* FA-LA-LA-LA-LA

* LA-LA-LA-LA

* 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY

* FA-LA-LA-LA-LA

* LA-LA-LA-LA

* DON WE NOW
OUR GAY APPAREL *

* FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA

* LA-LA-LA

* TROLL THE ANCIENT
YULETIDE CAROL *

* FA-LA-LA-LA-LA,
LA-LA-LA-LA *

PA, PA, COME QUICK. HURRY!

Andy:
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

OUTSIDE-- A ROBBER!

THERE.

BEN!

WHAT IN THE WORLD
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

I'M TAKING THE BENCH.

THAT BENCH
IS COURTHOUSE PROPERTY.

IT'S PUBLIC PROPERTY.

AND I'D LIKE TO SEE IT

SETTING OUT IN FRONT OF MY STORE
FOR A WHILE.

YOU GOT ANY OBJECTIONS?

YOU OUGHT TO LOWER
THE BOOM ON HIM RIGHT NOW.

LET'S RUN HIM IN.

NOW, BEN, I KNOW

THE HOLIDAYS DON'T MEAN
ANYTHING TO YOU,

BUT I CERTAINLY WOULD
FEEL MIGHTY BAD

IF I HAD TO LOCK
A FELLER UP FOR CHRISTMAS.

NOW, YOU JUST PUT
THE BENCH BACK WHERE IT WAS

AND GO ON HOME.

I AIN'T GONNA DO IT.

BEN, MUCH AS I HATE TO,

I'M JUST GONNA HAVE
TO LOCK YOU UP.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
LET'S GO.

WAIT, ANDY.

STUBBORN AND
MEAN AS HE IS,

IT I CHRISTMAS.

WELL, I GUESS
YOU'RE RIGHT.

THERE YOU ARE, BEN.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

COME ON.

THIS IS VERY FINE
EGGNOG, AUNT BEE.

HOW'S THAT?

FINE. I WONDER
WHAT'S KEEPING BARNEY.

WE CAN'T FINISH THE TREE.

OH, HE'LL BE ALONG
IN A LITTLE BIT.

HOW LONG SHOULD IT TAKE HIM
TO GO DOWN TO SMITH'S

FOR SOME EXTRA LIGHT BULBS?

COME ON IN.

BRINGIN' IN A
PRISONER, SHERIFF.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?

PARKED HIS CAR
IN FRONT OF A FIREPLUG.

I WROTE HIM OUT A TICKET,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?

TORE IT UP IN TEENY LITTLE
PIECES, THAT'S WHAT HE DID.

COME ON, YOU.

WELL...WAIT--
WAIT A MINUTE.

DID YOU DO LIKE
BARNEY SAID, BEN?

WHAT IF I DID?

WELL, THAT'S
CONTEMPT OF THE LAW.

I HOPE YOU GOT YOURSELF
A GOOD EXPLANATION.

I HAVE.
YEAH? WHAT IS IT?

I'VE GOT CONTEMPT
FOR THE LAW AROUND HERE.

YOU'RE GONNA BE SORRY
YOU EVER SAID THAT.

THROW THE BOOK AT HIM.

I SURE WOULD HATE TO PUT
YOU AWAY FOR CHRISTMAS.

I TELL YOU WHAT
WE'LL DO THIS TIME.

WE'LL JUST FORGET

ABOUT THAT LITTLE
TICKET-TEARIN' EPISODE,

AND BARNEY, HERE,
HE CAN WRITE YOU OUT

A NEW CITATION,
ALL RIGHT?

FINE. THAT'LL GIVE ME
THE PLEASURE

OF TEARIN' IT UP, TOO.

OKAY, RIGHT IN THE CELL.
COME ON.

NOW...N-N-NOW, WAIT.

NOW, LISTEN, BEN.

A PARKIN' CITATION
IS JUST TWO DOLLARS.

OTHERWISE IT'S GONNA
BE TWO DAYS IN JAIL.

ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TAKE THE TWO DAYS.

DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME

THAT YOU'RE GONNA SPEND
CHRISTMAS IN JAIL

FOR THE SAKE
OF TWO MEASLY DOLLARS?

CHRISTMAS! HA!

ALL RIGHT, IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU
WANT IT, HELP YOURSELF.

ANDY, WAIT.

HMM?

HERE.

WHAT'S THAT?

HIS FINE.

I DIDN'T ASK YOU.

I KNOW, BUT...WELL,
IT I CHRISTMAS EVE.

WHY DON'T YOU STAY OUT OF THIS?

NOW, LOOK, SHERIFF...

OKAY, BEN.

ALL RIGHT, NOW,
COME ON. COME ON.

YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, BEN.

OUT.

WE'D BETTER FINISH
THIS TREE HERE.

LISTEN, BARNEY, IF
YOU'LL PUT THEM BULBS

RIGHT UNDER THERE
WHERE THEY'RE MISSIN'...

OH, I DECLARE
IT'S GONNA BE NICE.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S
THIS ONE OR THAT ONE.

WE CHECKED ALL THE OTHERS.

LET ME TRY THIS ONE.

OKAY.

YEAH.

LOOSE WAS IT?

EVERYBODY, WE'RE
GONNA LIGHT THE TREE.

OKAY, EVERYBODY.

BARNEY, YOU READY?

YUP.

ALL RIGHT, HIT IT.

[ CHEERING ]

OH, ANDY!
THANK YOU.

DON'T THANK ME.

THANK OUR MASTER
ELECTRICIAN HERE--

OLD BARNEY PARNEY POOH.

WELL, YOU CAN'T
MAKE ME MAD TODAY.

IT'S CHRISTMAS.

IT IS.

HEY, SEE IF YOU CAN SEE
SANTA CLAUS ANYWHERE.

YEAH.

OH, THAT IS THE PRETTIEST TREE
I'VE EVER SEEN.

LOOK AT THAT TREE, YOUNG 'UNS.

AIN'T THAT PRETTY? UH-HUH.

[ BALLAD PLAYS ]

MM-HMM.

AH, LET'S SEE.

UH...UH...YEAH.

OH, YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.

[ PICKING UP TEMPO ]

REMEMBER?

[ HUMMING TUNE ]

* AWAY IN A MANGER

* NO CRIB FOR A BED

* THE LITTLE LORD JESUS
LAY DOWN HIS SWEET HEAD *

* THE STARS IN THE SKY
LOOKED DOWN WHERE HE LAY *

* THE LITTLE LORD JESUS
ASLEEP ON THE HAY *

* THE CATTLE ARE LOWING

* THE POOR BABY WAKES

* BUT LITTLE LORD JESUS,
NO CRYING HE MAKES *

* I LOVE THEE, LORD JESUS,
LOOK DOWN FROM THE SKY *

* AND STAY BY MY CRADLE
TILL MORNING IS NIGH *

* AWAY IN A MANGER

* NO CRIB FOR A BED

* THE LITTLE LORD JESUS
LAY DOWN HIS SWEET HEAD *

* THE STARS IN THE SKY
LOOKED DOWN WHERE HE LAY *

* THE LITTLE LORD JESUS
ASLEEP ON THE HAY *

YEAH, SHE'S A PRETTY GIRL, TOO.

Barney:
HO, DONNER!

HO, BLITZEN!

HO, RUDOLPH!

HO, HO, HO!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

HO, HO, HO!

Aunt Bee:
DINNER'S READY.

COME OVER HERE AND
GET SOMETHING TO EAT.

GRAB YOURSELVES A PLATE.

OH, BOY.

[ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ]

EAT A WHOLE
PLATE, NOW.

WHAT'S THAT?

SANTA CLAUS, DID YOU PARK
YOUR REINDEERS OUT IN THE BACK?

HUH?

IT JUST SOUNDS LIKE DONNER
AND BLITZEN AND RUDOLPH

AIN'T GETTIN' ALONG TOO GOOD.

MAYBE I'D BETTER GO SEE
WHAT'S RILING THEM.

I'LL BE BACK
IN A FEW MINUTES.

[ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ]

WHAT'S GOING ON...?!

BEN, WHAT IN THE
WORLD ARE YOU A'DOIN'?

WELL, I...I JUST HAPPENED
TO BE WALKING BY, AND...

IN THE ALLEY
AND AT NIGHT?

WHAT IN THE WORLD FOR?

WHY, I, UH...

IT AIN'T NONE
OF YOUR BUSINESS, SHERIFF.

WELL, NOW, I AIN'T
SO SURE IT AIN'T.

DISTURBIN' THE PEACE,
LITTERIN', PROWLIN' MAYBE.

ALL RIGHT,
YOU LOCK ME UP

AND I'LL SUE YOU
FOR FALSE ARREST.

THREATENIN' AN
OFFICER OF THE LAW.

I DECLARE, BEN,

I DON'T KNOW HOW A MAN
CAN BE SO ORNERY.

FIRST THEM SPITEFUL
VIOLATIONS EARLIER TODAY

AND NOW THIS.

I TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
IF A FELLA WAS TRYIN'

TO GET HISSELF
THROWED IN THE JUG

HE COULDN'T DO
A BETTER JOB THAN...

OH, YOU'RE CRAZY.

WHY WOULD I DO
A FOOL THING LIKE THAT?

YEAH, WHY
WOULD YOU, BEN?

I BELIEVE THAT THAT TRIP DOWN
FROM THE NORTH POLE

MADE ME HUNGRIER
THAN I THOUGHT.

I'D LIKE TO HAVE ANOTHER WING,
IF YOU GOT ONE THERE.

ANDY'S BEEN GONE AN
AWFULLY LONG TIME.

I WONDER WHAT'S
KEEPING HIM.

MAYBE HE TOOK
A REINDEER RIDE.

BARNEY, WOULD YOU
MIND GOING OUT

AND SEEING
WHERE HE IS?

OH, SANTA CLAUS
AT YOUR SERVICE, MA'AM.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

ANDY, WHAT
HAPPENED?

WHAT DID HE
DO THIS TIME?

EMPTYING TRASH CANS
ON THE CITY STREETS.

WHAT TOOK
YOU SO LONG?

WHEN I NABBED HIM,
HE INSISTED ON HIS LAWFUL RIGHT

OF GOING BACK TO HIS STORE

AND GETTIN' A FEW THINGS
HE MIGHT NEED.

WELL, I HAD A RIGHT.

YEAH, YOU
HAD A RIGHT, BEN.

SANTA CLAUS, YOU'D BETTER
CHECK THAT SUITCASE THERE.

WE CAN'T HAVE HIM
SMUGGLIN' IN ANY FILES.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL CHECK IT.

YOU'RE THE LIMIT,
YOU KNOW THAT, BEN?

ELLIE, YOU DON'T KNOW MUCH
ABOUT POLICE BUSINESS.

WHEN YOU PICK UP
A PRISONER,

HE BRINGS IN
A SUITCASE LIKE THAT

WHY, YOU GOT TO CHECK...

WELL, NOW, HOW'D THEM
THINGS GET IN THERE?

I MUST HAVE MISTOOK 'EM
FOR AN ELECTRIC RAZOR.

WELL, I AIN'T GOT
NO USE FOR 'EM
AROUND HERE.

NOW, I THOUGHT THAT
WAS A PILLOW.

YEAH. HERE.

OH, FOR THE LAND'S SAKE.

YOU TAKE IT.

NOW, THAT AIN'T
MY SHAVIN' LOTION.

HERE.

IT'S BEEN LAYING ON MY SHELF
FOR A YEAR AT LEAST.

HERE. HERE.

OH, BEN, NO.

HERE.

BEN, I DECLARE
YOU DIDN'T...

I DECLARE.

* NOEL, NOEL,
THE ANGELS DID SING... *

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT AIN'T YOURS.

HERE.

* ...POOR SHEPHERDS IN FIELDS
WHERE THEY LAY *

WELL, LET'S GO, BEN.

BETTER GET LOCKED UP.

Aunt Bee:
BEN...

GOOD SUPPER.
EXTRA GOOD.

ENJOYED THAT
ORANGE DRESSING AGAIN.

ANDY, YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME
TO STAY AND GUARD?

NO, NO. YOU GO AHEAD ON HOME
AND GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.

YOU'RE PROBABLY ALL WORE OUT
AFTER THEM "HO, HO, HOs."

I'LL HAVE TO ADMIT,
WHEN YOU ZING THEM OUT RIGHT,

THEY DO WEAR
A FELLER OUT.

GOOD NIGHT, BARNEY.
GOOD NIGHT, AUNT BEE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

HEY, SAM.

HMM?

YOU BETTER WAKE UP
AND TAKE THE YOUNG 'UNS HOME

AND PUT 'EM INTO BED.

EASY NOW.
DON'T DROP --

LOOK AT THAT DOLL.

SHE THINKS A LOT OF IT,
DON'T SHE?

THAT'S RIGHT.
JUST EASE HER DOWN.

ANDY, AREN'T YOU
FORGETTING SOMETHING?

A LITTLE MATTER
OF A MOONSHININ' CHARGE?

I'LL BE DOGGED.
I NEVER DID CHECK THAT EVIDENCE.

BETTER DO THAT.

HERE.

WELL, LOOKY THERE.
IT'S EMPTY.

I CAN'T HARDLY HOLD YOU
WITHOUT EVIDENCE, CAN I?

BUT IT WAS --

ANDY, YOU DIDN'T --

OH, NO, NO.

I WOULDN'T TAMPER
WITH THE EVIDENCE.

WHY, THAT'D BE GOING AGAINST
MY SWORN DUTY.

WHAT YOU RECKON
HAPPENED TO IT?

WELL, I GOT TO STUDYIN' THAT
IT WASN'T SAFE OUT IN THE OPEN

DURING THE PARTY
WITH ALL THE PEOPLE

AND THE YOUNG 'UNS
RUNNIN' AROUND.

IT COULD GET BROKE,
YOU KNOW.

SO I THOUGHT IT'D BE A GOOD IDEA
TO PUT IT IN THERE

WHERE IT'D BE SAFE
IN THE CELL THERE WITH BEN.

BEN?
YOU THINK HE DRUNK IT?

WELL, NOW, BEN WAS FEELING
MIGHTY LOW THERE.

HE MIGHT'VE TOOK
A LITTLE PICK-ME-UP.

A LITTLE PICK-ME-UP?

THERE WAS A WHOLE LOT
IN THAT JUG.

WELL, NOW, YOU TAKE A MAN THAT
STARTS OUT AS LOW AS BEN DID,

IT MIGHT TAKE A WHOLE LOT
TO GET HIM PICKED UP.

YOU MEAN --

I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED

BEN'S FULL OF THE EVIDENCE
RIGHT NOW.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

[ WHISTLING SPRIGHTLY TUNE ]