The ABC Saturday Superstar Movie (1972–1974): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Mad, Mad, Mad Monsters - full transcript
All of Universal's greatest classic monsters gather at the Transylvania Astoria Hotel for Frankenstein's monster and his bride's Friday the 13th midnight wedding.
(tires squealing)
- Everything is set, Igor.
But be careful.
The Monster is going to take
this car on his honeymoon.
- That not fair.
Monster have honeymoon
then Igor should have girl.
- I refuse to discuss this subject.
Just watch where you're driving.
(tires squealing)
I'm going to my study to make
out the wedding invitations.
Igor, where are you going?
- I say nighty night to Monstress.
(siren wailing)
(upbeat music)
- Girl mine.
- Of course she's yours, old bean.
Now, put the car down like a good boy.
(Monster grunts)
Igor, do drive slowly
through the living room.
- 10-4.
It's not fair.
I want girl.
Make own girl.
Show baron.
Monster Making Made Easy.
- [Baron Voiceover] Plus,
my favorite desert recipes.
- Let's see.
Three eggs.
(laughs)
(humming)
Shake well.
(laughing)
Finished.
Igor have created.
Igor wanted girl.
Cake good, but girl better.
Next time try different recipe.
- Ah, that's the last one.
(bell ringing)
Igor.
Igor!
- Did you call?
- Yes.
Take these invitations and mail them.
- Yes.
(clattering)
- Hurry now, Igor.
They must go out with tomorrow's mail.
(thunder rumbling)
(grunting)
Don't be impatient, old sport.
You'll be a married man soon enough.
(grunting)
(thunder rumbling)
(wind howling)
It's finished, Igor.
Finished.
Check everything carefully.
We can't have any slip-ups.
And you stay out of the way, Rosebud.
(squawks)
- Yes, master. (laughs)
Head bone connected to the knee bone.
- No, no, no.
The head bone is connected
to the neck bone.
You haven't been paying
attention all these years, Igor.
If help wasn't so hard to get.
Ah, that's it.
Splendid.
All right, Igor.
Now, to begin the countdown.
(dramatic music)
(electricity zapping)
Four, three, two, one.
Now, Igor!
Now.
(Igor laughing)
(Rosebud squawking)
(Igor grunting)
Don't stop.
All right, Igor.
Raise the platform.
(wind howling)
(thunder rumbling)
Lower the platform, Igor.
(thunder rumbles)
Igor, close the trap door.
Igor, where are you?
- Here, master.
(laughs)
- Listen, Igor.
(heart beating)
(fingers snapping)
I've done it, Igor.
I created life again.
The fools said it couldn't be done.
I have accomplished the impossible twice.
I've taken the cosmic
forces out of nature.
- (yawns) No more old speech, master.
- Si, si girl.
(heart beating)
- Hmm.
Do you suppose I left her
in the lightning too long?
(yelling)
- Girl for Igor.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Girl for Igor.
- No, no, Igor, my friend.
This Monstress is for The Monster.
He's getting to be a big boy now
and it's time he settled down.
(subdued music)
(glass shattering)
Ah, yes.
She is a beauty, all right.
Igor, fetch The Monster from the dungeon.
He should meet his bride-to-be.
- No, no, no.
Girl belong Igor.
- Igor, if you value your
job, you'll do as you're told.
Very few mad scientists
are hiring assistants nowadays, you know.
There's a good lad.
(blowing raspberries)
(door creaking)
- Come.
(grunts)
- Hello there, old chap.
Have I got a girl for you.
- What a dish.
- Splendid, splendid.
Love at first sight.
It's almost as though they
were made for each other.
But, of course, they
were made for each other.
Now, to make the wedding arrangements.
Igor, fetch the car.
The sports car, I think.
It suits my mood.
(uptempo music)
(tires squealing)
(metal crunching)
I want to thank you for your valuable help
in my latest experiment.
I don't know what I would've
done for body parts.
And I've decided to reward you.
- Girl
You give me girl?
- No, no.
I'm going to let you give the bride away.
- Huh, me?
Give bride away?
(laughing)
- Always keep your hands
on the wheel, Igor.
It's one of the rules of the road.
- Me give bride away.
(grunting)
Me keep her.
- Now, now.
We've been through all that.
I'll hear no more such nonsense.
(tires squeal)
(screams)
(bell ringing)
- You rang?
Oh, hi.
Say, don't I know you from someplace?
- Is the manager about, my good man?
- Yeah, he's around here someplace.
Hey, did you use to work
down at Joe's Body Shop?
- I have my own body shop.
- Boy, your pal plays a mean bell.
- He does have an ear
for music, doesn't he?
- Please, please.
- Ah, another music lover.
Igor would stay and play
requests all day if I'd let him,
but we have business to transact.
- Hey, do you know The Transylvania Polka?
(bell ringing)
- Stop.
Stop, Norman.
Norman!
- Huh, what can I do for you, boss?
- Get out of my sight.
- Okay, boss.
Bye.
- Now then, sir.
(clears throat)
How may the Transylvania
Astoria serve you?
- I want to have a wedding
in the grand ballroom.
- Surely, you jest.
- Sir, I never jest.
I'm Baron Henry von Frankenstein.
- I'm terribly sorry, Baron.
But we're booked solid for two years.
I can put you on a waiting list.
Of course, Friday the 13th is open,
but nobody ever has weddings on that day.
- Friday the 13th is perfect.
I wouldn't have it on any other day.
I want this to be the most
elaborate wedding in history.
First, I want a very special dinner.
- Well, how about our
famous flaming shish kabob?
- No.
Some of my guests are allergic to fire.
Let's see.
We'll have jellyfish
consomme, stuffed iguana,
roast vulture.
(squawks)
Oh, sorry, Rosebud.
Better scratch the roast vulture.
Let's see now.
Where was I?
Black widow spiders on fried toadstool,
octopus salad with lizard's
gizzards, and blood pudding.
Ah, with regard to the pudding.
Your rarest type, of course.
My guests are accustomed to the very best.
And one other thing.
Would you be so good as to
take care of our friend Rosebud
until after the wedding?
We wouldn't want him to
embarrass our guests.
(squawks)
- Certainly, Baron.
We'd be happy to take
care of your vulture.
What am I saying?
Let's see now.
That was Friday the 13th for a wedding.
(laughs) Yes, I'm sure
that's what he said.
Jellyfish consomme, toadstools,
spiders, rare blood.
Take hold of yourself, Harold.
Look at this nonsense I've been writing.
It couldn't possibly have happened.
I'm seeing and hearing strange things.
Oh, I need a vacation.
I'll make arrangements immediately.
Stuffed iguana, indeed.
(bright guitar music)
- Hey, Harvey.
I got some special deliveries here.
Hmm.
They're wedding invitations.
- They're all from a baron.
It's probably one of
those fancy-type affairs
with royalty and all.
This is strange.
This letter is for a Mr.
Creature who lives in the swamp.
Funny, I didn't know anybody
lives out there in the water.
- Probably got a yacht out there.
You know how those rich
playboys live. (laughs)
- I don't like the water.
I get seasick.
Man, the things they expect
from a mailman these days.
Sometimes, I think I outta
get into another line of work.
I mean, who needs this?
I guess this must be the place.
Weird spot for a mailbox.
(whistling)
(yells)
(dog barking)
- [Woman] Ghoul, will you
stop playing with that dog?
- [Ghoul] Aw, Mom.
What good is having a dog
if you can't play with him?
- [Man] Let the child alone, Nagatha.
- [Nagatha] And you?
All you can do is sit there
smelling up the whole house
with that filthy pipe.
- [Man] You're nagging again, Nagatha.
(doorbell rings)
(dog barking)
- [Nagatha] Oh, answer the door.
I look a fright with my hair in curlers.
- [Man] With or without, my dear.
- [Nagatha] That's right, insult me.
Go ahead, insult me.
- [Man] I'll try.
(doorbell rings)
(dog barking)
- Huh?
Hey, in there.
I got a special delivery for ya.
- [Man] No need to shout, my good man.
- I'm sorry, I didn't see ya.
I still don't see ya.
Where?
- [Man] May I have my mail, please?
- Oh, sure.
What, where, how?
(dog growling)
(dog barking)
- [Man] Ghoul, would you go fetch, Goblin?
He's attached himself
to the mailman again.
- [Ghoul] Okay, Dad.
- [Man] Ah, we've been
invited to a wedding.
- [Nagatha] And me with
not a thing to wear.
If you think I'm going to appear
in that same old formal shroud,
you're sadly mistaken.
- [Man] Grateful as I am that
I can't see you, my dear,
I've often wished that I
also couldn't hear you.
- I don't know what's wrong with me.
I must be seeing things.
I mean, I must be not seeing things.
Oh, I don't know what I mean.
Mr. Mummy, care of the Egyptian Museum.
He must be the curator, or the
head Egyptian, or something.
The kind of day it's been so far,
I could do with the peace
and quiet of a museum.
Yoo-hoo, anybody here?
Hello?
I guess they all went out to
build a Sphinx or something.
Look at this poor fella.
Must've been in a terrible accident.
I think maybe I outta be on my way.
(cat meows)
Just get through this day, Harvey boy.
That's all.
You'll laugh at all of
this in the morning.
Nerves, that's what.
You're a bundle of nerves.
Let's see now.
Count Dracula.
Now, this is the right address.
What a junkyard.
Count or no count,
he must be having
trouble making ends meet.
Things are tough all over.
(knocking on door)
(gong crashes)
- Good evening.
- Count Dracula?
- Yes, my friend.
I am Count Dracula.
What can I do to you?
- I'm the mailman.
- How interesting.
What blood type are you?
- Huh?
Blood type?
Why?
- Type Y?
Ah, my favorite flavor.
So hard to get these days.
- I have a special
delivery letter for you.
- How interesting.
Now, what have I done with my glasses?
- I saw them upstairs, Papa.
I fly up and get them for you.
- Thank you, Boobula.
Such a considerate child.
Hmm, now I wonder where he went.
- And then, this little
kid turned into a bat
and flew upstairs.
And then, all those other weirdos.
- Harvey, Harvey.
None of these things really happened.
Don't you understand?
It's just that you're out of your mind.
- What?
- Merely a temporary condition, actually.
It's your work.
It does not agree with you.
Your nerves are shattered.
You should change jobs.
- Funny you should suggest that.
My brother Harold asked
me to fill in for him
managing the Transylvania Astoria Hotel
while he goes on vacation.
- I strongly recommend that.
There you will mingle
with the beautiful people.
The jet set.
- I'll do it.
The jet set.
No more weirdos.
I have one more letter to deliver
and then the post office
and I are through.
Doctor, I feel better already.
- I must caution you though, Harvey.
These hallucinations might reoccur.
You must then repeat to
yourself over and over again,
this is not happening,
it's all in my imagination.
- This is not happening.
It is all in my imagination.
- And once you realize
that, you'll be cured.
Do you understand?
- Of course, Doctor.
It's all my imagination.
These things never happened.
It's all my imagination.
(bell ringing)
Mr. Ron Chanley?
Special delivery.
I'm sorry I'm so late,
but I've had a day you wouldn't believe.
You're the first normal
person I've seen today.
There's eight cents due on
this letter, Mr. Chanley.
Mr. Chanley?
(howling)
It's all in my imagination.
I imagined the whole thing.
Forget the eight cents, Mr. Chanley.
Forget it.
It's all in my imagination.
It's not happening.
- There you are, Harvey.
I'll be back in two weeks.
I can't thank you enough.
I've been so overworked lately
that I started seeing things.
The other day this creepy
baron was in here and...
- I think I know what you mean.
I think it's happening to me, too.
Are we being watched?
(squawks)
- Oh, dear.
It's still there.
Maybe it'll go away if you
pay no attention to it.
Goodbye.
Thanks again, Harv.
- Seeing things.
A vulture, a creepy baron.
Egad, I wonder if it runs in the family.
Maybe I'm not cut out for
the hotel business either.
- [Norman] Don't worry, Harvey baby.
If you got any problems, old
Norman here will help you.
- Oh, no.
A talking tree.
- Where?
Where's a talking tree?
(laughs) You mean this?
Nah, this tree's not talking.
It's me Norman.
I'm talking.
- What are you doing in the tree?
- I'm on my coffee break.
I like to commune with
nature every chance I get.
Harvey, I guarantee you
will not have any problems
with me around.
Like, I have been in the hotel
business almost six months.
Harvey, old boy, just
leave everything to Norman.
- Welcome to the Transylvania Astoria.
- Oh, well thank you very much.
I hope this is a quiet place.
I'm under doctor's orders to
have complete rest and quiet.
- I'm sure you'll be satisfied.
(bell rings)
Norman, kindly take Mrs.
Snodgrass' bags to her room.
- Sure thing, Harv.
Follow me, lady.
Oh boy, you're a fat one, aren't ya?
- Of all the nerve.
- Leave everything to Norman?
- [Nagatha] Now, why did you
reserve only one room, Claude?
Why not a suite?
We're only gonna be here two nights.
Why not live it up?
You're so chintzy.
My mother told me not to marry you.
- [Claude] Your mother
was a wise woman, my dear.
I wish you had listened to her.
- Claude, my friend.
How good not to see you again.
- [Claude] Count Dracula,
you old bloodhound.
You remember the little woman?
- Ah, Nagatha.
My dear, you look radiant.
The shroud was made for you.
- [Nagatha] Oh, go on.
I swear, you could charm the
bats right out of the caves.
- [Claude] And this is our son Ghoul.
- Ghoul, I would like you
to meet my son Boobula.
- Hey, kid.
You want to fight?
- [Ghoul] Why not.
There's nothing else to
do in this creepy place.
(grunting)
(cat screeches)
- Ah, it is so heartwarming
to see children
and their pets at play.
- Please, please.
We mustn't have this sort of...
No, no.
I'm not seeing this.
Imagination.
Hallucination.
I'm sorry, but you'll have to
keep your children in line.
We can't have such disturbances
in the lobby of the Transylvania Astoria.
- [Claude] But, the
children and their pets
are just getting acquainted.
- And that's another thing.
No pets allowed.
(cat screeching)
But, perhaps we can make
an exception in this case.
- Good grief, my favorite movie stars.
Mr. Invisible and Count Dracula.
- Charming lad.
- [Claude] Indeed, indeed.
- Type A in my book.
- [Claude] We're with
the Frankenstein party.
- Oh, yeah.
The wedding tomorrow night.
Oh, boy.
I bet this place will be
crawling with celebrities
for that blast.
Say, are you fellas going to
the bachelor party tonight?
I hear the Wicked Witch of the East
is gonna pop out of the cake at midnight.
(laughs)
- I wouldn't miss it for the world.
- [Nagatha] Oh, you men are all alike.
- Hey, let me take your bags.
I mean, you're coffins.
- Yes, of course, my friend.
Please, take the coffins.
- May I help you, sir?
- I'd like a room without a
bath for my friend The Mummy.
And a bath without a
room for The Creature.
We'll be staying tonight
and tomorrow night.
(laughing)
- A room no bath.
And a bath.
I'm not seeing this like
the doctor said. (laughs)
What about you, sir?
- For me a kennel.
(howling)
- This isn't happening.
Imagination and all that.
(people chattering)
- Who is it?
Let me guess.
Um, It's Lance, right?
No.
Marvin?
That's it, it must be Marvin.
Maybe it's Tab.
Matthew?
Rock?
Oh, I give up.
(yells)
(yelling)
(grunting)
(howling)
- Boy, I can't believe it.
Can I have your autograph?
You are one of my favorites.
(howling)
Look at them.
The Mummy, The Creature.
Oh, boy.
Those all-stars still got that magic.
They still drive the people wild.
- It's not happening.
It's not.
I'm imagining all this.
(birds chirping)
- Hey, Harv.
Guess what?
The whole staff quit.
They just up and left.
- So did the guests.
I can't understand it.
Everyone seems to be having
the same hallucinations I'm having.
(squawks)
- Yeah, you know what?
I hear there's a lot of that going around.
All the movie stars are still here though.
Boy, look at the autographs I got.
Real collector's items.
And here's Count Dracula.
You know, I wonder if
he was putting me on.
Yeah, it's probably red ink or ketchup.
That's the way they do
things in Hollywood.
And The Monster put his
footprint in front of the hotel
and it wasn't even wet cement either.
Just boom, right in the sidewalk.
- Norman?
- Yeah, what is it, Harv?
- Go away.
- Sure thing, Harv.
I gotta feed and brush
the werewolf anyway.
- Oh, how nicely you've redone
the place for the wedding.
There'll be a little something extra
in your tip envelope, my good man.
I assure you.
But please, keep Rosebud in his cage.
He's liable to terrify my guests.
(snoring)
- Hey book, tell me how to stop wedding.
Girl mine.
Chain to bed. (laughs)
(chain rattling)
Shh.
Shh.
(yawning)
(slurping)
(uptempo music)
- [Nagatha] Claude,
everybody's staring at you.
You're using the wrong
fork for your salad.
You don't care how you
embarrass and humiliate me.
(chomping)
Did you ever see a
person with worse manners
than my husband?
I hate to be seen anywhere with him.
He doesn't care how I feel.
Oh, no.
He's only interested in himself.
(growling)
(slurping)
- What is this slop?
- [Ghoul] Ice cream.
- The stuff they make you
eat at these fancy places.
What I wouldn't give for a chicken neck.
(Goblin growling)
(Goblin barking)
(uptempo music)
- Norman, these hors
d'oeuvres are delicious.
- Hey, go easy on 'em.
Those black widow spiders are hard to get.
- [Claude] Well, young fellow.
How does it feel knowing you're
about to give up your freedom?
(grunts)
- Yes, by this time tomorrow night,
your carousing days will
be a thing of the past.
- [Claude] And such a dashing
young gentleman you are, too.
- Indeed.
Remember that nurse you
picked up in Luxembourg?
Not only the nurse, but
two doctors, the driver,
and the ambulance as well.
(laughing)
And what about the time you went on a tear
right in the heart of
downtown Transylvania?
Ah, yes.
I remember it well.
The whole town turned out that night.
(laughing)
- [Nagatha] Will you three stop?
You're embarrassing the boy.
- [Claude] And what
about that last Halloween
at the office party?
(grunts)
- He say you not tell that one.
- [Nagatha] Well, I should hope not.
(laughing)
(clears throat)
- May I have your attention, please?
Ladies, gentlemen, and
all assorted creatures.
The great merriment is at hand.
As you all know, I am
one of the truly fabulous
scientists of all time.
(snoring)
The scientific world
said it couldn't be done,
but I have accomplished the impossible.
I have created life.
Not once, but twice.
- My dear, Baron.
We have all heard the speech.
Let us now see the chick.
(regal trumpet music)
(all gasping)
She can put her shoes under
my coffin anytime she wishes.
(howling)
- Gentlemen, please.
- [Girl] Well, it's fabulous.
All these groovy guys fighting over me.
(uptempo music)
- Boy, oh boy.
Isn't this a fantastic bash.
Huh, Harvey?
These cats really know
how to throw a party.
Fantastic.
- I haven't the vaguest idea
what you're talking about, Norman.
- [Ghoul] Well, it's about time they got
the party games going.
- Yeah, it was getting to be a drag.
(clattering)
- [Nagatha] Claude, you're disgusting.
There's a speck of food on your chin.
Why don't you use your napkin?
- [Claude] Excellent suggestion, my dear.
- [Nagatha] And another thing.
As I was...
(gasping)
- [Claude] Lovely party.
(howling)
(bell chimes)
(laughing)
- Igor, take the girl into the hills
and hide her until the wedding.
Bring her back tomorrow at midnight.
That's Friday the 13th.
Have you got that?
- Midnight, Friday 13th.
- Good, good.
Now go.
Ah, she'll be safe.
Good old reliable Igor
will take care of her.
Now I can relax and enjoy the festivities.
- Midnight, Friday 14th?
No.
13 o'clock.
No, no.
Thursday 76th at 20 o'clock?
(dramatic music)
Hide girl from Monster.
Hide girl.
Hide girl for Igor.
(laughing)
Smart think, Igor.
Some kind of tom tom. (laughs)
(snoring)
- Bride.
Me want bride.
- Don't worry, old sport.
Your bride is with Igor.
- Igor?
- I assure you she's perfectly safe.
(dramatic music)
(liquid bubbling)
Now, you get a good day's sleep, my boy.
Tonight's the big night.
Right now your bride-to-be is
in a nice, warm, safe place
resting up for the wedding.
(liquid bubbling)
It's time for you to go beddy-bye.
You have a big day tomorrow.
Just think.
At this moment The
Monstress is thinking of you
as she floats away on the wings of love.
(screeching)
(clattering)
- Where girl?
Here rest.
Nobody find here. (laughs)
(growling)
- [Monstress] Does every
bride go through this
on her wedding day?
(footsteps stomping)
- Igor, what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be guarding the bride.
- Gone.
- What do you mean gone?
(mumbling)
What are you trying to say?
Speak up, man.
(grunting)
Ah, charades.
Two syllables.
First syllable.
First syllable sounds like.
Your mowing the lawn.
Good grief.
She was run over by a lawn mower?
(grunting)
Mow.
The first syllable is mow.
You're sick?
Ill.
Oh, sounds like ill.
Mows ill.
Mowthill.
Gojill, movill.
Nowill.
Mozill.
Mozill.
Modzula.
(cheering)
Now hear this.
The Monstress has been taken by Modzula.
We must get her back.
(monsters shouting)
- Oh, boy.
Modzula.
Hey, Harvey.
You coming?
- Of course not.
I'm going to my room and
have a nervous breakdown.
- Which way, Igor?
- This way.
It other way I think.
- Maybe you can pick up the scent.
This is from her wardrobe.
(growling)
(Goblin barking)
(yelling)
- [Claude] Dr. Frankenstein, look.
Footprints.
- They go this way.
Let's go.
- [Claude] How are we going to get across?
- Wait, I have an idea.
(tense music)
- Oh, it's him, it's him.
Where's my autograph book?
- No, don't throw that.
He might drop the girl and I'd never
get her put back together
in time for the wedding.
- [Claude] Good heavens, Baron.
Look.
Another one.
(tense music)
As if we didn't have enough trouble,
now there are two of them.
- Wait a moment.
I recognize her.
It's the old girl herself.
Mrs. Zula.
I'm afraid poor old Mod is
in for a tongue lashing.
He's always had an eye
for the ladies, you know.
- [Claude] Handsome devil that
he is, I can understand why.
(chittering)
- Good heavens.
I never heard a lady use such language.
- [Claude] Spirited lass, isn't she?
Reminds me of my own spouse in a way.
Especially about the waistline.
- There she is, lad.
What are you waiting for?
(grunts)
- [Claude] Ah, true love.
- It is beautiful, is it not?
- If only I were a few
thousand years younger.
(electricity zapping)
- Good grief!
I hope they haven't damaged one another.
Spare parts are hard to come by.
Has anybody seen the minister?
And where's the hotel tailor?
The groom's suit hasn't arrived.
- They both probably left the country
which is what I should've done.
- What are we going to do?
- Your worries on the suit are over.
It just so happens that my cousin Conrad
is in the suit business.
I'll call him, give him
the measurements, and zap,
he shall deliver the
best suit you ever seen.
Neck, 31.
Yeah, his neck.
Not his waist.
I told you he was a big star.
Shoulders, 142.
I said 142.
What's the matter, we got a
bad connection or something?
Shoe size, 54 triple Z.
Hello, Conrad?
Conrad?
Conrad, are you there?
- Where in blazes is that
bellboy with the suit?
It's almost time for the wedding.
(knocking on door)
Come in.
- Another job well done by
Norman Nustamacker in action.
Sorry it took so long, Baron.
But, we had a little
trouble getting the shoes.
You can never find a
blacksmith when you need one.
- Thank you, young man.
All right, Igor.
Help him get dressed.
I have to get the other
things ready for the wedding.
(blowing raspberries)
(whimsical music)
(fabric tearing)
(sneezes)
- Nice.
Look nice.
- Everything is set but the minister.
And the ceremony begins at 12 o'clock.
I'm afraid you'll have
to stand in, young man.
Your position is the same as
that of a captain of a ship.
- I'm the captain of the hotel.
Why not?
I'm all at sea anyway.
- You come.
Come.
Marry.
- No.
Me afraid.
(uptempo piano music)
- Igor, where is the groom?
- In (laughs) room.
(teeth chattering)
- There's nothing to be afraid of.
People get married every day.
You're a big boy now.
Come out of there.
- [Monster] No.
- I marry girl, yeah?
- Did you hear that?
If you don't come out, Igor
will marry The Monstress.
- Girl mine.
- [Nagatha] Don't you know it's bad luck
to see the bride before the ceremony?
Imagine, carrying her to the alter.
How romantic.
You didn't even carry
me across the threshold.
- [Claude] I had to deal
with one problem at a time,
my dear.
The first was squeezing
you through the threshold.
(crying)
- Do you, Monstress, take this thing
to be your lawful wedded husband?
- [Monstress] Oh, yes.
- And do you, Monster,
take this, take her,
to be your lawful wedded wife?
- [Monster] Uh-huh.
- The ring, please.
- The ring.
Oh, no.
We forgot the ring.
- As captain of this madhouse,
I pronounce you man and wife.
You can kiss her.
Kiss her.
(electricity zapping)
(wind howling)
(thunder crashing)
- Egad.
How could I have made such an error?
The bride is on alternate current
and the groom is on direct current.
(clattering)
- Now, Harvey.
I assure you these so-called monsters
were merely figments of your imagination.
But, Doctor.
They seemed so real.
- I think you're just nervous and upset.
You have to learn to relax.
When I find myself getting uptight,
I take a little drinky winky.
- I guess you're right.
I mean, how could such creatures be real?
I'm beginning to feel much
better already, Doctor Jekyll.
(laughing)
(uptempo music)
- [Ghoul] Wait for me.
- Oh, boy.
Look, it's Mr. Hyde.
It's Mr. Hyde.
If I can get his autograph I'll, like,
really have the whole scene.
Hey, Mr. Hyde!
Wait up, will ya?
- (laughs) Crows?
(laughing)
That's rich.
(laughing)
Look, everybody.
I'm a scarecrow.
(laughing)
- Please, Mr. O'Lantern.
You're frightening Coleen and the animals.
- And this is me chapeau I suppose.
- Billy, don't.
- Why you cheeky little duff.
- Don't hurt him, Mr. O'Lantern.
- [Narrator] Rankin/Bass present
Festival of Family Classics.
(uptempo music)
♫ All of the tales that you know so well
♫ Features and fables will story tell
♫ Each classic creation in new animation
♫ Today's presentation will be
- [Narrator] The exciting
adventures of an elfish
will-o-the-wisp, Jack O'Lantern.
♫ So, bring on the whole family
- [Kids] Grandpa.
- (laughs) Aw, children.
Just the sight of you makes
me feel 50 years younger.
- [Boy] Tell us the story.
Please, Grandpa.
- Story?
Now, what story might that be?
- You know.
The story about Jack.
- Jack O'Lantern.
- Over there on your window sill.
- Well, I guess Jack
would never forgive me
if I put off telling his story.
Over here, children.
(kids cheering)
Let's see now.
A long, long time ago when
your Great Aunt Coleen and I
were tots just like you two,
our father brought us up from the city
to live right here on this very farm.
We were very poor and
things didn't go well
from the beginning.
Ah, there's my father now.
Poor man.
Trying to coax a meager
crop from the stingy soil.
Do you see him?
- [Boy] Yes.
Yes, I can see him.
- [Grandpa] There's my sister,
Coleen, with Lulu the cow.
We'd have gone without milk
if it hadn't been for Lulu.
There I am with Swayback the old gray mare
who did the heavy work around the farm.
And that's Billy our pet goat.
He didn't do much of
anything, but cause trouble.
(kids laugh)
- We're all finished, Father.
- I've had it for the day, too.
I don't know where all this
hard work is getting us.
We slave all day putting
the fields to rights
then wake up the next
morning to find the soil
hard as a rock from frost
or scorched by brush fire.
What crops there are, picked
to pieces by those mangy crows.
- But, it can't be the crows, Father.
They've stayed away ever since
Michael made the scarecrow.
- Then, it must be ghosties and goblins
because every farmer in the
area has the same problem.
- Maybe we need a better scarecrow.
- What we need, Michael,
is some kind of miracle.
- Michael, what are we going to do?
- I still say if we had a
better scarecrow it would help.
Look at that poor thing.
How could he ever scare anybody?
He doesn't even have a
head on his shoulders.
- But, how?
- I've got it.
That pumpkin you brought in
from the field the other day.
Where is it?
- In the kitchen.
- Go get it and meet me in the barn.
- Now, what are those kids up to?
- Beats me, but it must
be something important.
Billy, you come away from there.
Can't you see the kids are busy?
- All I want is a little taste.
- Little taste, my hoof.
You'd eat anything you can lift.
- All I had for lunch
was two rusty tin cans.
- Times are tough all over.
Now, get out of Coleen's way and be quiet.
- They expect you to do a day's
work on two crummy tin cans.
- There, it's finished.
- Michael, it's just beautiful.
- It's supposed to be scary.
- Oh, well it's that, too.
(gasping)
- [Pumpkin] Who's the
blatherskite been chopping holes
in me pumpkin and left me in the draft
fit to give a body a case of the vapors?
- [Coleen] Oh, Michael.
- My, my.
Fancy that.
It talks.
- The old talking pumpkin trick, eh?
- Is there no one here
with the common decency
to answer a simple question?
Who's been cutting up me pumpkin shell?
- Don't be afraid, Coleen.
- Michael?
Coleen.
What beautiful names you have.
Takes me right back to the old
sod, the very sound of them.
- I cut the holes in
your shell, Mr. Pumpkin.
- Sure and I'm a
leprechaun, not a pumpkin.
- A leprechaun?
- Leprechaun?
- That I am.
I just changed meself into a pumpkin seed
to hibernate for the winter.
And a fine rest I was having
till you come hacking away
at me boudoir with your carving knife.
- Gosh, Mr., Ms.
- Jack.
Jack O'Lantern is the name of
the Donny Garlough Lanterns
I'll have you know.
- I'm sorry about your
pumpkin shell, Mr. O'Lantern.
We were just trying to make
a head for our scarecrow.
- [Jack] A head for your?
Now, why on earth would you want
to do a thing like that for?
- To scare away the crows who
ruin the farms every night.
- Crows is it?
(laughs)
Crows?
(laughing)
Oh, that's rich.
(laughing)
Look, everybody.
I'm a scarecrow.
(laughing)
- Please, Mr. O'Lantern.
You're frightening Coleen and the animals.
- And this is me chapeau I suppose.
- Billy, don't.
- Why you cheeky little duff.
- Oh, don't hurt him, Mr. O'Lantern.
- Of course I won't hurt him, lad.
Wouldn't hurt to teach the little beggar
some respect for his elders though.
- But, why did you carry on so
when I told you about the crows?
- It isn't the crows that
be freezing the earth
and scorching your crops.
And it isn't the crows
that be eating your corn
and rhubarb every night.
- Then who?
- 'Tis the ghosts.
The ghouls, and goblins,
and herself Zelda the Witch.
Along with her jellyfish of a husband,
Sir Archibald the Warlock.
- Ghosts?
- Goblins?
- Sure and they want to drive
all you farmers away from here
so they can have the land for themselves.
- What are we going to do?
- Now, don't you worry your
pretty little head, lass.
Old Jack will take care
of the demons for ya.
You're talking to a leprechaun.
And all us leprechauns have a pot of gold.
- You have?
- Right here in me pumpkin shell.
And with me pot of gold
I've got more magical powers
than the whole flock of
spookies put together.
- [Both] Gosh.
- Tell you what we'll do.
You two run off and get some sleep
while I stand guard in the fields.
Then, sneak out and meet me at midnight.
- Okay, Mr. O'Lantern.
- Don't be so formal, lad.
Call me Jack.
Now, scoot.
- Anything you say, Jack.
Come on, Coleen.
- Sure there's gonna be a fine brew ha-ha
before this night's over.
- I didn't see it, I didn't hear it.
It never happened.
- It was just a bad dream.
- Sure.
That's what it was.
A dream.
- How come all three of
us had the same dream?
- [Both] You and your big mouth.
- [Michael] Neither Coleen
nor I slept a bit that night.
We just lay there in our beds
shivering with excitement.
And a few minutes before the witching hour
we quietly sneaked out to meet
our new friend Jack O'Lantern
and heaven knows what else.
(humming)
- Ah, there you are, youngins.
And just in time I might add.
The fireworks should
start pretty soon now.
- Fireworks?
- Oh, yes.
Zelda and her bunch like
to make a big entrance.
I'm surprised you never heard them before.
They make enough racket to wake the dead.
But wait, do you hear it?
- Hear what?
- The wind, lad.
The wind.
Don't you hear it beginning
to moan kinda weird like?
That means they're on their way.
Zelda and her pack of blackards
will be upon us any minute now.
No, no, little ones.
There's nothing to be feared of.
So long as I got me pot of
gold, no harm can come to you.
Old Jack O'Lantern will
best them at every turn.
Just you watch.
Look, there they come now.
(dramatic music)
(laughing)
- Oh, really, Zelda darling.
Must you cackle like that?
It's hardly ladylike.
- How many times do I
have to tell you, stupid?
Witches aren't supposed to be ladylike.
(laughing)
- Oh, dear.
Every night the same old noise.
Can't we spend a nice quiet
evening at home once in a while?
- You were the one who
said we should acquire
a nice piece of land for
when we reach retirement age.
- But, I mean, this is so undignified.
- Here they come.
- But, what are they going to do?
- Well, they usually
start the proceedings off
with a rain of hailstones.
But, I handled that old
trick many times in the past
with me trusty horn of plenty.
You are in for a treat now.
Watch closely.
- Zelda to demons.
Zelda to demons.
Let's hit 'em with a
barrage of hailstones.
We'll have 'em running
for the hills in no time.
- Oh, dear.
(laughing)
- Come on, Zelda, you old baggage.
Let's get on with the donnybrook.
- Hailstones away.
- So, you finally got
things going, have you?
High time I'd say.
(metal clinking)
Not a bad try, you ugly heathens.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
(horn blowing)
- What's this?
Our own hailstorm backfiring on us?
I sense foul play afoot.
- I should say so.
Some cad's ruined my topper.
- I smell a rat here.
- Oh, I do hope so.
I'm famished.
- Oh, Jack.
You were wonderful.
- It's not over with yet.
They'll be back.
Herself is no pushover.
- I say, Zelda darling.
This is most unusual.
- You're right, Archie.
I'm going down to have a look.
- Look, here she comes.
- That's herself all right.
The old biddy is coming
down breathing fire.
(Zelda laughing)
- A brush fire.
Quick, form a bucket brigade.
- No, no, lad.
I told you I have the
situation well in hand.
See this little bit of powder?
It's called instant tropical storm.
All you do is add water and...
(thunder rumbling)
- Oh.
Oh, Jack.
You're terrific.
- Of course I am, darling.
Ain't I been telling you that all along?
- Of all the double-dealing dirty tricks.
A tropical storm.
- Something amiss, my love?
- You bet it is and I think
I know who's behind it.
Zelda to demons.
Dive in formation.
(clattering)
- Jack, they're frosting the soil.
- No crop could ever come up through that.
- Now, when will the two of
you ever become believers
in old Jack?
(kids grunting)
Oh, sorry, yougins.
I forgot you were just mortals.
(both sigh)
Now, as I was saying.
There's nothing these beasties can do
that Jack O'Lantern can't undo.
All I need to do is place
a call to the North Pole,
order a dash of the midnight sun,
(chittering)
and poof.
Not only is the frost gone,
but the fields have been watered.
- The midnight sun from the North Pole.
- Jack, you're the greatest.
- True, true, true.
- Let's face it, my dear.
There's someone down there with magic
more powerful than ours.
- You bet there is and I know who.
He's pulled that midnight
sun bit on me before.
Jack O'Lantern.
- Jack O'Lantern?
Well, that just about wraps things up
as far as I'm concerned.
Shall we off for home?
- Not on your broomstick, birdbrain.
Jack O'Lantern's had the
best of us for the last time.
Now, I've found his Achilles' heel.
- His what?
- His weak spot.
Those two kids down there.
He's obviously fond of them.
- Oh, please, Zelda.
Let's don't get children
involved in all this business.
They always manage to botch things up so.
- Not this time they won't.
Once we grab those kids,
we'll have Jack O'Lantern in our power.
(laughing)
- Oh, dear.
I sometimes wonder if this
is the same sweet girl
I married 1,600 years ago.
- The rest of you will follow me.
We'll dive on that scarecrow in formation.
That's where Jack O'Lantern is hiding out.
And while we keep him busy,
Archie will grab the kids.
- Me?
Surely you jest, Zelda.
Me capture two children?
You know how I loathe the little monsters.
- Oh, stop whining, you
worm, and do as you're told.
Demons, attack.
(laughing)
- Just as I feared.
Here they come again.
You two hide yourself behind that haystack
whilst I give 'em what for.
- Be careful, Jack.
(dramatic music)
(electricity zapping)
- Boy, did you see that?
- Michael, I'm scared.
- What's to be scared about?
Nobody can hurt us.
Not with Jack O'Lantern on our side.
Help!
Help, Jack!
- Put me down!
- Help!
- Let go of me!
- Oh, I say.
Do stop making such a fuss.
I'm not enjoying this
anymore than you are.
- And let that be a lesson to you.
Don't tangle with Jack O'Lantern
unless you are prepared
to take a shellacking.
(Zelda laughing)
Well, if it ain't Ms. Death Valley, 1808.
- We meet again, Jack O'Lantern.
And this time I will be victorious.
- (laughs) Tell that to
your bunch of boobies
I just sent packing.
- Oh, I know you've got powerful magic
in your pot of gold, you scoundrel.
But, I have the ace in the hole.
Both aces as a matter of fact.
- Jack, help!
- One more move, O'Lantern,
and I'll turn these brats to stone
before you can pull any of your tricks.
- I'm warning you, Zelda.
If any harm comes to
either of them youngsters
you will not escape the
wrath of Jack O'Lantern
and that's a fact.
- I'll worry about that later.
Right now I'm giving the orders.
Unless you want two young
statues on your hands,
you'll come out of that pumpkin shell
and leave your pot of gold inside.
Leave me pot of gold?
Are you daft, woman?
You know I'd never leave
it out of me sight.
- Either that or I zap the kids.
What's it gonna be?
- All right.
You win, Zelda.
(Zelda laughing)
(suspenseful music)
(fingers snap)
(laughs)
- I've got it.
I've got his pot of gold.
- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.
Here, you hold this while me and my demons
drive these farmers out
of here once and for all.
- Oh, dear me.
- [Zelda] (laughs) All right, demons.
Follow me.
- I don't think she's a very nice lady.
- I'm not too crazy about the
sissy with the pumpkin either.
- They certainly aren't
being very nice to the kids.
- Yeah, and that sure gets my goat.
No offense, Billy.
- The three of you just
stay where you are.
Remember, I've got the magic pot of gold,
so there's no use trying anything tricky.
- Ah, the spineless toad.
If I could only get me hands on him.
(thunder rumbling)
- There must be something we can do.
- I certainly hope so.
- I'll tell you what I'd like to do.
I'd like to butt that
warlock through a wall.
- Kids, I think I just got me an idea.
- What is it, Jack?
- Just you watch.
Oh, Archie, me lad.
Would you be so kind as to fetch me lid?
There's an awful draft in this place.
- I suppose so, but no tricks now.
- I'm the soul of innocence.
Do your stuff, Billy me boy.
- [Archie] Oh, you fiend, Jack O'Lantern.
This is another one of
your ghastly tricks.
- That outta hold you, old chap.
- That's really dirty pool.
I dare say Zelda will raise
an awful fuss about this.
- Would you kindly get a
move on, you beastly bovine?
- I'm doing the best I can.
(gulps)
Oh, my.
This isn't bad at all.
- Now what, Jack?
- All I gotta do is hop into me pumpkin
and trash them spooky
blithers to a fare thee well.
(uptempo music)
- Come on.
I gotta see this.
(electricity zapping)
(glass breaking)
- That outta learn ya to
mess with an O'Lantern.
And as for you two vipers.
- Jack, you did it again.
- Was there ever any doubt?
I told you I'd do it and I done it.
Of course, I had a little help.
- I'm afraid it was too late though.
- Kids, I'm prepared
to make a deal with ya.
Being as how I'm getting
on to 6,000 years old,
it's time I was thinking of me retirement.
Now, in return for a
nice, warm, peaceful home
for me and me pumpkin shell,
I could promise ya a bumper crop
by the time the sun is full up.
- You could live with us forever.
- Done.
(fingers snap)
(uplifting music)
(coins jingling)
- [Michael] And Jack's
been with me ever since.
- [Boy] Wow.
- Gosh.
- Now, I've got to see if your grandmother
needs help in the kitchen.
- Gee, that's a terrific story.
- Yeah.
- I don't believe it though, do you?
- No, I don't think so.
- What do ya mean ya don't believe it?
In my day we were taught better manners
than to go about accusing
our elders of fibbing.
You don't believe it indeed.
Something wrong with kids
these days if you ask me.
(laughing)
(uptempo orchestral music)
- Everything is set, Igor.
But be careful.
The Monster is going to take
this car on his honeymoon.
- That not fair.
Monster have honeymoon
then Igor should have girl.
- I refuse to discuss this subject.
Just watch where you're driving.
(tires squealing)
I'm going to my study to make
out the wedding invitations.
Igor, where are you going?
- I say nighty night to Monstress.
(siren wailing)
(upbeat music)
- Girl mine.
- Of course she's yours, old bean.
Now, put the car down like a good boy.
(Monster grunts)
Igor, do drive slowly
through the living room.
- 10-4.
It's not fair.
I want girl.
Make own girl.
Show baron.
Monster Making Made Easy.
- [Baron Voiceover] Plus,
my favorite desert recipes.
- Let's see.
Three eggs.
(laughs)
(humming)
Shake well.
(laughing)
Finished.
Igor have created.
Igor wanted girl.
Cake good, but girl better.
Next time try different recipe.
- Ah, that's the last one.
(bell ringing)
Igor.
Igor!
- Did you call?
- Yes.
Take these invitations and mail them.
- Yes.
(clattering)
- Hurry now, Igor.
They must go out with tomorrow's mail.
(thunder rumbling)
(grunting)
Don't be impatient, old sport.
You'll be a married man soon enough.
(grunting)
(thunder rumbling)
(wind howling)
It's finished, Igor.
Finished.
Check everything carefully.
We can't have any slip-ups.
And you stay out of the way, Rosebud.
(squawks)
- Yes, master. (laughs)
Head bone connected to the knee bone.
- No, no, no.
The head bone is connected
to the neck bone.
You haven't been paying
attention all these years, Igor.
If help wasn't so hard to get.
Ah, that's it.
Splendid.
All right, Igor.
Now, to begin the countdown.
(dramatic music)
(electricity zapping)
Four, three, two, one.
Now, Igor!
Now.
(Igor laughing)
(Rosebud squawking)
(Igor grunting)
Don't stop.
All right, Igor.
Raise the platform.
(wind howling)
(thunder rumbling)
Lower the platform, Igor.
(thunder rumbles)
Igor, close the trap door.
Igor, where are you?
- Here, master.
(laughs)
- Listen, Igor.
(heart beating)
(fingers snapping)
I've done it, Igor.
I created life again.
The fools said it couldn't be done.
I have accomplished the impossible twice.
I've taken the cosmic
forces out of nature.
- (yawns) No more old speech, master.
- Si, si girl.
(heart beating)
- Hmm.
Do you suppose I left her
in the lightning too long?
(yelling)
- Girl for Igor.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Girl for Igor.
- No, no, Igor, my friend.
This Monstress is for The Monster.
He's getting to be a big boy now
and it's time he settled down.
(subdued music)
(glass shattering)
Ah, yes.
She is a beauty, all right.
Igor, fetch The Monster from the dungeon.
He should meet his bride-to-be.
- No, no, no.
Girl belong Igor.
- Igor, if you value your
job, you'll do as you're told.
Very few mad scientists
are hiring assistants nowadays, you know.
There's a good lad.
(blowing raspberries)
(door creaking)
- Come.
(grunts)
- Hello there, old chap.
Have I got a girl for you.
- What a dish.
- Splendid, splendid.
Love at first sight.
It's almost as though they
were made for each other.
But, of course, they
were made for each other.
Now, to make the wedding arrangements.
Igor, fetch the car.
The sports car, I think.
It suits my mood.
(uptempo music)
(tires squealing)
(metal crunching)
I want to thank you for your valuable help
in my latest experiment.
I don't know what I would've
done for body parts.
And I've decided to reward you.
- Girl
You give me girl?
- No, no.
I'm going to let you give the bride away.
- Huh, me?
Give bride away?
(laughing)
- Always keep your hands
on the wheel, Igor.
It's one of the rules of the road.
- Me give bride away.
(grunting)
Me keep her.
- Now, now.
We've been through all that.
I'll hear no more such nonsense.
(tires squeal)
(screams)
(bell ringing)
- You rang?
Oh, hi.
Say, don't I know you from someplace?
- Is the manager about, my good man?
- Yeah, he's around here someplace.
Hey, did you use to work
down at Joe's Body Shop?
- I have my own body shop.
- Boy, your pal plays a mean bell.
- He does have an ear
for music, doesn't he?
- Please, please.
- Ah, another music lover.
Igor would stay and play
requests all day if I'd let him,
but we have business to transact.
- Hey, do you know The Transylvania Polka?
(bell ringing)
- Stop.
Stop, Norman.
Norman!
- Huh, what can I do for you, boss?
- Get out of my sight.
- Okay, boss.
Bye.
- Now then, sir.
(clears throat)
How may the Transylvania
Astoria serve you?
- I want to have a wedding
in the grand ballroom.
- Surely, you jest.
- Sir, I never jest.
I'm Baron Henry von Frankenstein.
- I'm terribly sorry, Baron.
But we're booked solid for two years.
I can put you on a waiting list.
Of course, Friday the 13th is open,
but nobody ever has weddings on that day.
- Friday the 13th is perfect.
I wouldn't have it on any other day.
I want this to be the most
elaborate wedding in history.
First, I want a very special dinner.
- Well, how about our
famous flaming shish kabob?
- No.
Some of my guests are allergic to fire.
Let's see.
We'll have jellyfish
consomme, stuffed iguana,
roast vulture.
(squawks)
Oh, sorry, Rosebud.
Better scratch the roast vulture.
Let's see now.
Where was I?
Black widow spiders on fried toadstool,
octopus salad with lizard's
gizzards, and blood pudding.
Ah, with regard to the pudding.
Your rarest type, of course.
My guests are accustomed to the very best.
And one other thing.
Would you be so good as to
take care of our friend Rosebud
until after the wedding?
We wouldn't want him to
embarrass our guests.
(squawks)
- Certainly, Baron.
We'd be happy to take
care of your vulture.
What am I saying?
Let's see now.
That was Friday the 13th for a wedding.
(laughs) Yes, I'm sure
that's what he said.
Jellyfish consomme, toadstools,
spiders, rare blood.
Take hold of yourself, Harold.
Look at this nonsense I've been writing.
It couldn't possibly have happened.
I'm seeing and hearing strange things.
Oh, I need a vacation.
I'll make arrangements immediately.
Stuffed iguana, indeed.
(bright guitar music)
- Hey, Harvey.
I got some special deliveries here.
Hmm.
They're wedding invitations.
- They're all from a baron.
It's probably one of
those fancy-type affairs
with royalty and all.
This is strange.
This letter is for a Mr.
Creature who lives in the swamp.
Funny, I didn't know anybody
lives out there in the water.
- Probably got a yacht out there.
You know how those rich
playboys live. (laughs)
- I don't like the water.
I get seasick.
Man, the things they expect
from a mailman these days.
Sometimes, I think I outta
get into another line of work.
I mean, who needs this?
I guess this must be the place.
Weird spot for a mailbox.
(whistling)
(yells)
(dog barking)
- [Woman] Ghoul, will you
stop playing with that dog?
- [Ghoul] Aw, Mom.
What good is having a dog
if you can't play with him?
- [Man] Let the child alone, Nagatha.
- [Nagatha] And you?
All you can do is sit there
smelling up the whole house
with that filthy pipe.
- [Man] You're nagging again, Nagatha.
(doorbell rings)
(dog barking)
- [Nagatha] Oh, answer the door.
I look a fright with my hair in curlers.
- [Man] With or without, my dear.
- [Nagatha] That's right, insult me.
Go ahead, insult me.
- [Man] I'll try.
(doorbell rings)
(dog barking)
- Huh?
Hey, in there.
I got a special delivery for ya.
- [Man] No need to shout, my good man.
- I'm sorry, I didn't see ya.
I still don't see ya.
Where?
- [Man] May I have my mail, please?
- Oh, sure.
What, where, how?
(dog growling)
(dog barking)
- [Man] Ghoul, would you go fetch, Goblin?
He's attached himself
to the mailman again.
- [Ghoul] Okay, Dad.
- [Man] Ah, we've been
invited to a wedding.
- [Nagatha] And me with
not a thing to wear.
If you think I'm going to appear
in that same old formal shroud,
you're sadly mistaken.
- [Man] Grateful as I am that
I can't see you, my dear,
I've often wished that I
also couldn't hear you.
- I don't know what's wrong with me.
I must be seeing things.
I mean, I must be not seeing things.
Oh, I don't know what I mean.
Mr. Mummy, care of the Egyptian Museum.
He must be the curator, or the
head Egyptian, or something.
The kind of day it's been so far,
I could do with the peace
and quiet of a museum.
Yoo-hoo, anybody here?
Hello?
I guess they all went out to
build a Sphinx or something.
Look at this poor fella.
Must've been in a terrible accident.
I think maybe I outta be on my way.
(cat meows)
Just get through this day, Harvey boy.
That's all.
You'll laugh at all of
this in the morning.
Nerves, that's what.
You're a bundle of nerves.
Let's see now.
Count Dracula.
Now, this is the right address.
What a junkyard.
Count or no count,
he must be having
trouble making ends meet.
Things are tough all over.
(knocking on door)
(gong crashes)
- Good evening.
- Count Dracula?
- Yes, my friend.
I am Count Dracula.
What can I do to you?
- I'm the mailman.
- How interesting.
What blood type are you?
- Huh?
Blood type?
Why?
- Type Y?
Ah, my favorite flavor.
So hard to get these days.
- I have a special
delivery letter for you.
- How interesting.
Now, what have I done with my glasses?
- I saw them upstairs, Papa.
I fly up and get them for you.
- Thank you, Boobula.
Such a considerate child.
Hmm, now I wonder where he went.
- And then, this little
kid turned into a bat
and flew upstairs.
And then, all those other weirdos.
- Harvey, Harvey.
None of these things really happened.
Don't you understand?
It's just that you're out of your mind.
- What?
- Merely a temporary condition, actually.
It's your work.
It does not agree with you.
Your nerves are shattered.
You should change jobs.
- Funny you should suggest that.
My brother Harold asked
me to fill in for him
managing the Transylvania Astoria Hotel
while he goes on vacation.
- I strongly recommend that.
There you will mingle
with the beautiful people.
The jet set.
- I'll do it.
The jet set.
No more weirdos.
I have one more letter to deliver
and then the post office
and I are through.
Doctor, I feel better already.
- I must caution you though, Harvey.
These hallucinations might reoccur.
You must then repeat to
yourself over and over again,
this is not happening,
it's all in my imagination.
- This is not happening.
It is all in my imagination.
- And once you realize
that, you'll be cured.
Do you understand?
- Of course, Doctor.
It's all my imagination.
These things never happened.
It's all my imagination.
(bell ringing)
Mr. Ron Chanley?
Special delivery.
I'm sorry I'm so late,
but I've had a day you wouldn't believe.
You're the first normal
person I've seen today.
There's eight cents due on
this letter, Mr. Chanley.
Mr. Chanley?
(howling)
It's all in my imagination.
I imagined the whole thing.
Forget the eight cents, Mr. Chanley.
Forget it.
It's all in my imagination.
It's not happening.
- There you are, Harvey.
I'll be back in two weeks.
I can't thank you enough.
I've been so overworked lately
that I started seeing things.
The other day this creepy
baron was in here and...
- I think I know what you mean.
I think it's happening to me, too.
Are we being watched?
(squawks)
- Oh, dear.
It's still there.
Maybe it'll go away if you
pay no attention to it.
Goodbye.
Thanks again, Harv.
- Seeing things.
A vulture, a creepy baron.
Egad, I wonder if it runs in the family.
Maybe I'm not cut out for
the hotel business either.
- [Norman] Don't worry, Harvey baby.
If you got any problems, old
Norman here will help you.
- Oh, no.
A talking tree.
- Where?
Where's a talking tree?
(laughs) You mean this?
Nah, this tree's not talking.
It's me Norman.
I'm talking.
- What are you doing in the tree?
- I'm on my coffee break.
I like to commune with
nature every chance I get.
Harvey, I guarantee you
will not have any problems
with me around.
Like, I have been in the hotel
business almost six months.
Harvey, old boy, just
leave everything to Norman.
- Welcome to the Transylvania Astoria.
- Oh, well thank you very much.
I hope this is a quiet place.
I'm under doctor's orders to
have complete rest and quiet.
- I'm sure you'll be satisfied.
(bell rings)
Norman, kindly take Mrs.
Snodgrass' bags to her room.
- Sure thing, Harv.
Follow me, lady.
Oh boy, you're a fat one, aren't ya?
- Of all the nerve.
- Leave everything to Norman?
- [Nagatha] Now, why did you
reserve only one room, Claude?
Why not a suite?
We're only gonna be here two nights.
Why not live it up?
You're so chintzy.
My mother told me not to marry you.
- [Claude] Your mother
was a wise woman, my dear.
I wish you had listened to her.
- Claude, my friend.
How good not to see you again.
- [Claude] Count Dracula,
you old bloodhound.
You remember the little woman?
- Ah, Nagatha.
My dear, you look radiant.
The shroud was made for you.
- [Nagatha] Oh, go on.
I swear, you could charm the
bats right out of the caves.
- [Claude] And this is our son Ghoul.
- Ghoul, I would like you
to meet my son Boobula.
- Hey, kid.
You want to fight?
- [Ghoul] Why not.
There's nothing else to
do in this creepy place.
(grunting)
(cat screeches)
- Ah, it is so heartwarming
to see children
and their pets at play.
- Please, please.
We mustn't have this sort of...
No, no.
I'm not seeing this.
Imagination.
Hallucination.
I'm sorry, but you'll have to
keep your children in line.
We can't have such disturbances
in the lobby of the Transylvania Astoria.
- [Claude] But, the
children and their pets
are just getting acquainted.
- And that's another thing.
No pets allowed.
(cat screeching)
But, perhaps we can make
an exception in this case.
- Good grief, my favorite movie stars.
Mr. Invisible and Count Dracula.
- Charming lad.
- [Claude] Indeed, indeed.
- Type A in my book.
- [Claude] We're with
the Frankenstein party.
- Oh, yeah.
The wedding tomorrow night.
Oh, boy.
I bet this place will be
crawling with celebrities
for that blast.
Say, are you fellas going to
the bachelor party tonight?
I hear the Wicked Witch of the East
is gonna pop out of the cake at midnight.
(laughs)
- I wouldn't miss it for the world.
- [Nagatha] Oh, you men are all alike.
- Hey, let me take your bags.
I mean, you're coffins.
- Yes, of course, my friend.
Please, take the coffins.
- May I help you, sir?
- I'd like a room without a
bath for my friend The Mummy.
And a bath without a
room for The Creature.
We'll be staying tonight
and tomorrow night.
(laughing)
- A room no bath.
And a bath.
I'm not seeing this like
the doctor said. (laughs)
What about you, sir?
- For me a kennel.
(howling)
- This isn't happening.
Imagination and all that.
(people chattering)
- Who is it?
Let me guess.
Um, It's Lance, right?
No.
Marvin?
That's it, it must be Marvin.
Maybe it's Tab.
Matthew?
Rock?
Oh, I give up.
(yells)
(yelling)
(grunting)
(howling)
- Boy, I can't believe it.
Can I have your autograph?
You are one of my favorites.
(howling)
Look at them.
The Mummy, The Creature.
Oh, boy.
Those all-stars still got that magic.
They still drive the people wild.
- It's not happening.
It's not.
I'm imagining all this.
(birds chirping)
- Hey, Harv.
Guess what?
The whole staff quit.
They just up and left.
- So did the guests.
I can't understand it.
Everyone seems to be having
the same hallucinations I'm having.
(squawks)
- Yeah, you know what?
I hear there's a lot of that going around.
All the movie stars are still here though.
Boy, look at the autographs I got.
Real collector's items.
And here's Count Dracula.
You know, I wonder if
he was putting me on.
Yeah, it's probably red ink or ketchup.
That's the way they do
things in Hollywood.
And The Monster put his
footprint in front of the hotel
and it wasn't even wet cement either.
Just boom, right in the sidewalk.
- Norman?
- Yeah, what is it, Harv?
- Go away.
- Sure thing, Harv.
I gotta feed and brush
the werewolf anyway.
- Oh, how nicely you've redone
the place for the wedding.
There'll be a little something extra
in your tip envelope, my good man.
I assure you.
But please, keep Rosebud in his cage.
He's liable to terrify my guests.
(snoring)
- Hey book, tell me how to stop wedding.
Girl mine.
Chain to bed. (laughs)
(chain rattling)
Shh.
Shh.
(yawning)
(slurping)
(uptempo music)
- [Nagatha] Claude,
everybody's staring at you.
You're using the wrong
fork for your salad.
You don't care how you
embarrass and humiliate me.
(chomping)
Did you ever see a
person with worse manners
than my husband?
I hate to be seen anywhere with him.
He doesn't care how I feel.
Oh, no.
He's only interested in himself.
(growling)
(slurping)
- What is this slop?
- [Ghoul] Ice cream.
- The stuff they make you
eat at these fancy places.
What I wouldn't give for a chicken neck.
(Goblin growling)
(Goblin barking)
(uptempo music)
- Norman, these hors
d'oeuvres are delicious.
- Hey, go easy on 'em.
Those black widow spiders are hard to get.
- [Claude] Well, young fellow.
How does it feel knowing you're
about to give up your freedom?
(grunts)
- Yes, by this time tomorrow night,
your carousing days will
be a thing of the past.
- [Claude] And such a dashing
young gentleman you are, too.
- Indeed.
Remember that nurse you
picked up in Luxembourg?
Not only the nurse, but
two doctors, the driver,
and the ambulance as well.
(laughing)
And what about the time you went on a tear
right in the heart of
downtown Transylvania?
Ah, yes.
I remember it well.
The whole town turned out that night.
(laughing)
- [Nagatha] Will you three stop?
You're embarrassing the boy.
- [Claude] And what
about that last Halloween
at the office party?
(grunts)
- He say you not tell that one.
- [Nagatha] Well, I should hope not.
(laughing)
(clears throat)
- May I have your attention, please?
Ladies, gentlemen, and
all assorted creatures.
The great merriment is at hand.
As you all know, I am
one of the truly fabulous
scientists of all time.
(snoring)
The scientific world
said it couldn't be done,
but I have accomplished the impossible.
I have created life.
Not once, but twice.
- My dear, Baron.
We have all heard the speech.
Let us now see the chick.
(regal trumpet music)
(all gasping)
She can put her shoes under
my coffin anytime she wishes.
(howling)
- Gentlemen, please.
- [Girl] Well, it's fabulous.
All these groovy guys fighting over me.
(uptempo music)
- Boy, oh boy.
Isn't this a fantastic bash.
Huh, Harvey?
These cats really know
how to throw a party.
Fantastic.
- I haven't the vaguest idea
what you're talking about, Norman.
- [Ghoul] Well, it's about time they got
the party games going.
- Yeah, it was getting to be a drag.
(clattering)
- [Nagatha] Claude, you're disgusting.
There's a speck of food on your chin.
Why don't you use your napkin?
- [Claude] Excellent suggestion, my dear.
- [Nagatha] And another thing.
As I was...
(gasping)
- [Claude] Lovely party.
(howling)
(bell chimes)
(laughing)
- Igor, take the girl into the hills
and hide her until the wedding.
Bring her back tomorrow at midnight.
That's Friday the 13th.
Have you got that?
- Midnight, Friday 13th.
- Good, good.
Now go.
Ah, she'll be safe.
Good old reliable Igor
will take care of her.
Now I can relax and enjoy the festivities.
- Midnight, Friday 14th?
No.
13 o'clock.
No, no.
Thursday 76th at 20 o'clock?
(dramatic music)
Hide girl from Monster.
Hide girl.
Hide girl for Igor.
(laughing)
Smart think, Igor.
Some kind of tom tom. (laughs)
(snoring)
- Bride.
Me want bride.
- Don't worry, old sport.
Your bride is with Igor.
- Igor?
- I assure you she's perfectly safe.
(dramatic music)
(liquid bubbling)
Now, you get a good day's sleep, my boy.
Tonight's the big night.
Right now your bride-to-be is
in a nice, warm, safe place
resting up for the wedding.
(liquid bubbling)
It's time for you to go beddy-bye.
You have a big day tomorrow.
Just think.
At this moment The
Monstress is thinking of you
as she floats away on the wings of love.
(screeching)
(clattering)
- Where girl?
Here rest.
Nobody find here. (laughs)
(growling)
- [Monstress] Does every
bride go through this
on her wedding day?
(footsteps stomping)
- Igor, what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be guarding the bride.
- Gone.
- What do you mean gone?
(mumbling)
What are you trying to say?
Speak up, man.
(grunting)
Ah, charades.
Two syllables.
First syllable.
First syllable sounds like.
Your mowing the lawn.
Good grief.
She was run over by a lawn mower?
(grunting)
Mow.
The first syllable is mow.
You're sick?
Ill.
Oh, sounds like ill.
Mows ill.
Mowthill.
Gojill, movill.
Nowill.
Mozill.
Mozill.
Modzula.
(cheering)
Now hear this.
The Monstress has been taken by Modzula.
We must get her back.
(monsters shouting)
- Oh, boy.
Modzula.
Hey, Harvey.
You coming?
- Of course not.
I'm going to my room and
have a nervous breakdown.
- Which way, Igor?
- This way.
It other way I think.
- Maybe you can pick up the scent.
This is from her wardrobe.
(growling)
(Goblin barking)
(yelling)
- [Claude] Dr. Frankenstein, look.
Footprints.
- They go this way.
Let's go.
- [Claude] How are we going to get across?
- Wait, I have an idea.
(tense music)
- Oh, it's him, it's him.
Where's my autograph book?
- No, don't throw that.
He might drop the girl and I'd never
get her put back together
in time for the wedding.
- [Claude] Good heavens, Baron.
Look.
Another one.
(tense music)
As if we didn't have enough trouble,
now there are two of them.
- Wait a moment.
I recognize her.
It's the old girl herself.
Mrs. Zula.
I'm afraid poor old Mod is
in for a tongue lashing.
He's always had an eye
for the ladies, you know.
- [Claude] Handsome devil that
he is, I can understand why.
(chittering)
- Good heavens.
I never heard a lady use such language.
- [Claude] Spirited lass, isn't she?
Reminds me of my own spouse in a way.
Especially about the waistline.
- There she is, lad.
What are you waiting for?
(grunts)
- [Claude] Ah, true love.
- It is beautiful, is it not?
- If only I were a few
thousand years younger.
(electricity zapping)
- Good grief!
I hope they haven't damaged one another.
Spare parts are hard to come by.
Has anybody seen the minister?
And where's the hotel tailor?
The groom's suit hasn't arrived.
- They both probably left the country
which is what I should've done.
- What are we going to do?
- Your worries on the suit are over.
It just so happens that my cousin Conrad
is in the suit business.
I'll call him, give him
the measurements, and zap,
he shall deliver the
best suit you ever seen.
Neck, 31.
Yeah, his neck.
Not his waist.
I told you he was a big star.
Shoulders, 142.
I said 142.
What's the matter, we got a
bad connection or something?
Shoe size, 54 triple Z.
Hello, Conrad?
Conrad?
Conrad, are you there?
- Where in blazes is that
bellboy with the suit?
It's almost time for the wedding.
(knocking on door)
Come in.
- Another job well done by
Norman Nustamacker in action.
Sorry it took so long, Baron.
But, we had a little
trouble getting the shoes.
You can never find a
blacksmith when you need one.
- Thank you, young man.
All right, Igor.
Help him get dressed.
I have to get the other
things ready for the wedding.
(blowing raspberries)
(whimsical music)
(fabric tearing)
(sneezes)
- Nice.
Look nice.
- Everything is set but the minister.
And the ceremony begins at 12 o'clock.
I'm afraid you'll have
to stand in, young man.
Your position is the same as
that of a captain of a ship.
- I'm the captain of the hotel.
Why not?
I'm all at sea anyway.
- You come.
Come.
Marry.
- No.
Me afraid.
(uptempo piano music)
- Igor, where is the groom?
- In (laughs) room.
(teeth chattering)
- There's nothing to be afraid of.
People get married every day.
You're a big boy now.
Come out of there.
- [Monster] No.
- I marry girl, yeah?
- Did you hear that?
If you don't come out, Igor
will marry The Monstress.
- Girl mine.
- [Nagatha] Don't you know it's bad luck
to see the bride before the ceremony?
Imagine, carrying her to the alter.
How romantic.
You didn't even carry
me across the threshold.
- [Claude] I had to deal
with one problem at a time,
my dear.
The first was squeezing
you through the threshold.
(crying)
- Do you, Monstress, take this thing
to be your lawful wedded husband?
- [Monstress] Oh, yes.
- And do you, Monster,
take this, take her,
to be your lawful wedded wife?
- [Monster] Uh-huh.
- The ring, please.
- The ring.
Oh, no.
We forgot the ring.
- As captain of this madhouse,
I pronounce you man and wife.
You can kiss her.
Kiss her.
(electricity zapping)
(wind howling)
(thunder crashing)
- Egad.
How could I have made such an error?
The bride is on alternate current
and the groom is on direct current.
(clattering)
- Now, Harvey.
I assure you these so-called monsters
were merely figments of your imagination.
But, Doctor.
They seemed so real.
- I think you're just nervous and upset.
You have to learn to relax.
When I find myself getting uptight,
I take a little drinky winky.
- I guess you're right.
I mean, how could such creatures be real?
I'm beginning to feel much
better already, Doctor Jekyll.
(laughing)
(uptempo music)
- [Ghoul] Wait for me.
- Oh, boy.
Look, it's Mr. Hyde.
It's Mr. Hyde.
If I can get his autograph I'll, like,
really have the whole scene.
Hey, Mr. Hyde!
Wait up, will ya?
- (laughs) Crows?
(laughing)
That's rich.
(laughing)
Look, everybody.
I'm a scarecrow.
(laughing)
- Please, Mr. O'Lantern.
You're frightening Coleen and the animals.
- And this is me chapeau I suppose.
- Billy, don't.
- Why you cheeky little duff.
- Don't hurt him, Mr. O'Lantern.
- [Narrator] Rankin/Bass present
Festival of Family Classics.
(uptempo music)
♫ All of the tales that you know so well
♫ Features and fables will story tell
♫ Each classic creation in new animation
♫ Today's presentation will be
- [Narrator] The exciting
adventures of an elfish
will-o-the-wisp, Jack O'Lantern.
♫ So, bring on the whole family
- [Kids] Grandpa.
- (laughs) Aw, children.
Just the sight of you makes
me feel 50 years younger.
- [Boy] Tell us the story.
Please, Grandpa.
- Story?
Now, what story might that be?
- You know.
The story about Jack.
- Jack O'Lantern.
- Over there on your window sill.
- Well, I guess Jack
would never forgive me
if I put off telling his story.
Over here, children.
(kids cheering)
Let's see now.
A long, long time ago when
your Great Aunt Coleen and I
were tots just like you two,
our father brought us up from the city
to live right here on this very farm.
We were very poor and
things didn't go well
from the beginning.
Ah, there's my father now.
Poor man.
Trying to coax a meager
crop from the stingy soil.
Do you see him?
- [Boy] Yes.
Yes, I can see him.
- [Grandpa] There's my sister,
Coleen, with Lulu the cow.
We'd have gone without milk
if it hadn't been for Lulu.
There I am with Swayback the old gray mare
who did the heavy work around the farm.
And that's Billy our pet goat.
He didn't do much of
anything, but cause trouble.
(kids laugh)
- We're all finished, Father.
- I've had it for the day, too.
I don't know where all this
hard work is getting us.
We slave all day putting
the fields to rights
then wake up the next
morning to find the soil
hard as a rock from frost
or scorched by brush fire.
What crops there are, picked
to pieces by those mangy crows.
- But, it can't be the crows, Father.
They've stayed away ever since
Michael made the scarecrow.
- Then, it must be ghosties and goblins
because every farmer in the
area has the same problem.
- Maybe we need a better scarecrow.
- What we need, Michael,
is some kind of miracle.
- Michael, what are we going to do?
- I still say if we had a
better scarecrow it would help.
Look at that poor thing.
How could he ever scare anybody?
He doesn't even have a
head on his shoulders.
- But, how?
- I've got it.
That pumpkin you brought in
from the field the other day.
Where is it?
- In the kitchen.
- Go get it and meet me in the barn.
- Now, what are those kids up to?
- Beats me, but it must
be something important.
Billy, you come away from there.
Can't you see the kids are busy?
- All I want is a little taste.
- Little taste, my hoof.
You'd eat anything you can lift.
- All I had for lunch
was two rusty tin cans.
- Times are tough all over.
Now, get out of Coleen's way and be quiet.
- They expect you to do a day's
work on two crummy tin cans.
- There, it's finished.
- Michael, it's just beautiful.
- It's supposed to be scary.
- Oh, well it's that, too.
(gasping)
- [Pumpkin] Who's the
blatherskite been chopping holes
in me pumpkin and left me in the draft
fit to give a body a case of the vapors?
- [Coleen] Oh, Michael.
- My, my.
Fancy that.
It talks.
- The old talking pumpkin trick, eh?
- Is there no one here
with the common decency
to answer a simple question?
Who's been cutting up me pumpkin shell?
- Don't be afraid, Coleen.
- Michael?
Coleen.
What beautiful names you have.
Takes me right back to the old
sod, the very sound of them.
- I cut the holes in
your shell, Mr. Pumpkin.
- Sure and I'm a
leprechaun, not a pumpkin.
- A leprechaun?
- Leprechaun?
- That I am.
I just changed meself into a pumpkin seed
to hibernate for the winter.
And a fine rest I was having
till you come hacking away
at me boudoir with your carving knife.
- Gosh, Mr., Ms.
- Jack.
Jack O'Lantern is the name of
the Donny Garlough Lanterns
I'll have you know.
- I'm sorry about your
pumpkin shell, Mr. O'Lantern.
We were just trying to make
a head for our scarecrow.
- [Jack] A head for your?
Now, why on earth would you want
to do a thing like that for?
- To scare away the crows who
ruin the farms every night.
- Crows is it?
(laughs)
Crows?
(laughing)
Oh, that's rich.
(laughing)
Look, everybody.
I'm a scarecrow.
(laughing)
- Please, Mr. O'Lantern.
You're frightening Coleen and the animals.
- And this is me chapeau I suppose.
- Billy, don't.
- Why you cheeky little duff.
- Oh, don't hurt him, Mr. O'Lantern.
- Of course I won't hurt him, lad.
Wouldn't hurt to teach the little beggar
some respect for his elders though.
- But, why did you carry on so
when I told you about the crows?
- It isn't the crows that
be freezing the earth
and scorching your crops.
And it isn't the crows
that be eating your corn
and rhubarb every night.
- Then who?
- 'Tis the ghosts.
The ghouls, and goblins,
and herself Zelda the Witch.
Along with her jellyfish of a husband,
Sir Archibald the Warlock.
- Ghosts?
- Goblins?
- Sure and they want to drive
all you farmers away from here
so they can have the land for themselves.
- What are we going to do?
- Now, don't you worry your
pretty little head, lass.
Old Jack will take care
of the demons for ya.
You're talking to a leprechaun.
And all us leprechauns have a pot of gold.
- You have?
- Right here in me pumpkin shell.
And with me pot of gold
I've got more magical powers
than the whole flock of
spookies put together.
- [Both] Gosh.
- Tell you what we'll do.
You two run off and get some sleep
while I stand guard in the fields.
Then, sneak out and meet me at midnight.
- Okay, Mr. O'Lantern.
- Don't be so formal, lad.
Call me Jack.
Now, scoot.
- Anything you say, Jack.
Come on, Coleen.
- Sure there's gonna be a fine brew ha-ha
before this night's over.
- I didn't see it, I didn't hear it.
It never happened.
- It was just a bad dream.
- Sure.
That's what it was.
A dream.
- How come all three of
us had the same dream?
- [Both] You and your big mouth.
- [Michael] Neither Coleen
nor I slept a bit that night.
We just lay there in our beds
shivering with excitement.
And a few minutes before the witching hour
we quietly sneaked out to meet
our new friend Jack O'Lantern
and heaven knows what else.
(humming)
- Ah, there you are, youngins.
And just in time I might add.
The fireworks should
start pretty soon now.
- Fireworks?
- Oh, yes.
Zelda and her bunch like
to make a big entrance.
I'm surprised you never heard them before.
They make enough racket to wake the dead.
But wait, do you hear it?
- Hear what?
- The wind, lad.
The wind.
Don't you hear it beginning
to moan kinda weird like?
That means they're on their way.
Zelda and her pack of blackards
will be upon us any minute now.
No, no, little ones.
There's nothing to be feared of.
So long as I got me pot of
gold, no harm can come to you.
Old Jack O'Lantern will
best them at every turn.
Just you watch.
Look, there they come now.
(dramatic music)
(laughing)
- Oh, really, Zelda darling.
Must you cackle like that?
It's hardly ladylike.
- How many times do I
have to tell you, stupid?
Witches aren't supposed to be ladylike.
(laughing)
- Oh, dear.
Every night the same old noise.
Can't we spend a nice quiet
evening at home once in a while?
- You were the one who
said we should acquire
a nice piece of land for
when we reach retirement age.
- But, I mean, this is so undignified.
- Here they come.
- But, what are they going to do?
- Well, they usually
start the proceedings off
with a rain of hailstones.
But, I handled that old
trick many times in the past
with me trusty horn of plenty.
You are in for a treat now.
Watch closely.
- Zelda to demons.
Zelda to demons.
Let's hit 'em with a
barrage of hailstones.
We'll have 'em running
for the hills in no time.
- Oh, dear.
(laughing)
- Come on, Zelda, you old baggage.
Let's get on with the donnybrook.
- Hailstones away.
- So, you finally got
things going, have you?
High time I'd say.
(metal clinking)
Not a bad try, you ugly heathens.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
(horn blowing)
- What's this?
Our own hailstorm backfiring on us?
I sense foul play afoot.
- I should say so.
Some cad's ruined my topper.
- I smell a rat here.
- Oh, I do hope so.
I'm famished.
- Oh, Jack.
You were wonderful.
- It's not over with yet.
They'll be back.
Herself is no pushover.
- I say, Zelda darling.
This is most unusual.
- You're right, Archie.
I'm going down to have a look.
- Look, here she comes.
- That's herself all right.
The old biddy is coming
down breathing fire.
(Zelda laughing)
- A brush fire.
Quick, form a bucket brigade.
- No, no, lad.
I told you I have the
situation well in hand.
See this little bit of powder?
It's called instant tropical storm.
All you do is add water and...
(thunder rumbling)
- Oh.
Oh, Jack.
You're terrific.
- Of course I am, darling.
Ain't I been telling you that all along?
- Of all the double-dealing dirty tricks.
A tropical storm.
- Something amiss, my love?
- You bet it is and I think
I know who's behind it.
Zelda to demons.
Dive in formation.
(clattering)
- Jack, they're frosting the soil.
- No crop could ever come up through that.
- Now, when will the two of
you ever become believers
in old Jack?
(kids grunting)
Oh, sorry, yougins.
I forgot you were just mortals.
(both sigh)
Now, as I was saying.
There's nothing these beasties can do
that Jack O'Lantern can't undo.
All I need to do is place
a call to the North Pole,
order a dash of the midnight sun,
(chittering)
and poof.
Not only is the frost gone,
but the fields have been watered.
- The midnight sun from the North Pole.
- Jack, you're the greatest.
- True, true, true.
- Let's face it, my dear.
There's someone down there with magic
more powerful than ours.
- You bet there is and I know who.
He's pulled that midnight
sun bit on me before.
Jack O'Lantern.
- Jack O'Lantern?
Well, that just about wraps things up
as far as I'm concerned.
Shall we off for home?
- Not on your broomstick, birdbrain.
Jack O'Lantern's had the
best of us for the last time.
Now, I've found his Achilles' heel.
- His what?
- His weak spot.
Those two kids down there.
He's obviously fond of them.
- Oh, please, Zelda.
Let's don't get children
involved in all this business.
They always manage to botch things up so.
- Not this time they won't.
Once we grab those kids,
we'll have Jack O'Lantern in our power.
(laughing)
- Oh, dear.
I sometimes wonder if this
is the same sweet girl
I married 1,600 years ago.
- The rest of you will follow me.
We'll dive on that scarecrow in formation.
That's where Jack O'Lantern is hiding out.
And while we keep him busy,
Archie will grab the kids.
- Me?
Surely you jest, Zelda.
Me capture two children?
You know how I loathe the little monsters.
- Oh, stop whining, you
worm, and do as you're told.
Demons, attack.
(laughing)
- Just as I feared.
Here they come again.
You two hide yourself behind that haystack
whilst I give 'em what for.
- Be careful, Jack.
(dramatic music)
(electricity zapping)
- Boy, did you see that?
- Michael, I'm scared.
- What's to be scared about?
Nobody can hurt us.
Not with Jack O'Lantern on our side.
Help!
Help, Jack!
- Put me down!
- Help!
- Let go of me!
- Oh, I say.
Do stop making such a fuss.
I'm not enjoying this
anymore than you are.
- And let that be a lesson to you.
Don't tangle with Jack O'Lantern
unless you are prepared
to take a shellacking.
(Zelda laughing)
Well, if it ain't Ms. Death Valley, 1808.
- We meet again, Jack O'Lantern.
And this time I will be victorious.
- (laughs) Tell that to
your bunch of boobies
I just sent packing.
- Oh, I know you've got powerful magic
in your pot of gold, you scoundrel.
But, I have the ace in the hole.
Both aces as a matter of fact.
- Jack, help!
- One more move, O'Lantern,
and I'll turn these brats to stone
before you can pull any of your tricks.
- I'm warning you, Zelda.
If any harm comes to
either of them youngsters
you will not escape the
wrath of Jack O'Lantern
and that's a fact.
- I'll worry about that later.
Right now I'm giving the orders.
Unless you want two young
statues on your hands,
you'll come out of that pumpkin shell
and leave your pot of gold inside.
Leave me pot of gold?
Are you daft, woman?
You know I'd never leave
it out of me sight.
- Either that or I zap the kids.
What's it gonna be?
- All right.
You win, Zelda.
(Zelda laughing)
(suspenseful music)
(fingers snap)
(laughs)
- I've got it.
I've got his pot of gold.
- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.
Here, you hold this while me and my demons
drive these farmers out
of here once and for all.
- Oh, dear me.
- [Zelda] (laughs) All right, demons.
Follow me.
- I don't think she's a very nice lady.
- I'm not too crazy about the
sissy with the pumpkin either.
- They certainly aren't
being very nice to the kids.
- Yeah, and that sure gets my goat.
No offense, Billy.
- The three of you just
stay where you are.
Remember, I've got the magic pot of gold,
so there's no use trying anything tricky.
- Ah, the spineless toad.
If I could only get me hands on him.
(thunder rumbling)
- There must be something we can do.
- I certainly hope so.
- I'll tell you what I'd like to do.
I'd like to butt that
warlock through a wall.
- Kids, I think I just got me an idea.
- What is it, Jack?
- Just you watch.
Oh, Archie, me lad.
Would you be so kind as to fetch me lid?
There's an awful draft in this place.
- I suppose so, but no tricks now.
- I'm the soul of innocence.
Do your stuff, Billy me boy.
- [Archie] Oh, you fiend, Jack O'Lantern.
This is another one of
your ghastly tricks.
- That outta hold you, old chap.
- That's really dirty pool.
I dare say Zelda will raise
an awful fuss about this.
- Would you kindly get a
move on, you beastly bovine?
- I'm doing the best I can.
(gulps)
Oh, my.
This isn't bad at all.
- Now what, Jack?
- All I gotta do is hop into me pumpkin
and trash them spooky
blithers to a fare thee well.
(uptempo music)
- Come on.
I gotta see this.
(electricity zapping)
(glass breaking)
- That outta learn ya to
mess with an O'Lantern.
And as for you two vipers.
- Jack, you did it again.
- Was there ever any doubt?
I told you I'd do it and I done it.
Of course, I had a little help.
- I'm afraid it was too late though.
- Kids, I'm prepared
to make a deal with ya.
Being as how I'm getting
on to 6,000 years old,
it's time I was thinking of me retirement.
Now, in return for a
nice, warm, peaceful home
for me and me pumpkin shell,
I could promise ya a bumper crop
by the time the sun is full up.
- You could live with us forever.
- Done.
(fingers snap)
(uplifting music)
(coins jingling)
- [Michael] And Jack's
been with me ever since.
- [Boy] Wow.
- Gosh.
- Now, I've got to see if your grandmother
needs help in the kitchen.
- Gee, that's a terrific story.
- Yeah.
- I don't believe it though, do you?
- No, I don't think so.
- What do ya mean ya don't believe it?
In my day we were taught better manners
than to go about accusing
our elders of fibbing.
You don't believe it indeed.
Something wrong with kids
these days if you ask me.
(laughing)
(uptempo orchestral music)