The A-Team (1983–1987): Season 1, Episode 2 - Children of Jamestown - full transcript

Kidnapping is
such a tricky business.

You're gonna let a slime
like Scarlett go? Knowing
he's committed a murder?

Smith, that is my daughter.

You turn this guy's key
and l'm back on the street.

(B.A.)
You guys knocked me out
and flew me to Italy.

My friends and l are going to
try and get you out of here.

(Crane)
Where does he
think he's going?

(Decker)
Who knows? Smith hasn't had
traction for years.

l don't believe it.
You're me!

You never looked this good.

(Face)
Hey, B.A., slow down!
No, no flying!



(B.A.)
I like it.

Yeah! Is everybody
having a good time?

Of course.
Of course.

How do l look?

You look smashing.

Drop your weapons, now!

(Decker)
I don't believe this.

(Hannibal)
Let's get out of here!

(male narrator)
In 1972,
a crack commando unit...

was sent to prison
by a military court...

for a crime
they didn't commit.

These men promptly escaped...

from a maximum-security
stockade...

to the Los Angeles
underground.



Today, still wanted
by the government...

they survive
as soldiers of fortune.

If you have a problem,
if no one else can help...

and if you can find them...

maybe you can hire
the A-Team.

[gun firing]

[door opening]

Hey.

(Del)
How are you doing, Joe?
How am l doing, Del?

l don't know. You tell me.

Well, l think
we're in good shape.

The judge has my writ
and l don't think
they have a chance.

You think this Judge Mordente
cares about my rights
being violated?

You think this guy gives
a toot from next Tuesday...

about whether or not
l understood my rights?

They got Joe Scarlett, Del.
Do you understand that?

They're holding
a big potato...

and they're not gonna let me
drop through the bottom...

because of some legal-beagle
action you might think up.

[sighing]

ls Nicky handling
that matter or what?

Joe, concern yourself
about the legal proceedings.

l could get disbarred
for even discussing--
This is Joe.

The guy who got you
through the bar exam.

You're not a bad lawyer
when the other side is
not thinking too straight.

The only way l'm out of this
is that judge tossing
the case out.

And the only chance of that
is by twisting his tube
of toothpaste so bad...

he's got no choice.

Now, is Nicky on that,
or what?
Yeah.

Then everything is
going to be all right.

Joe, look...

your brother's
coming from ltaly.
What? How?

Come on, Joe,
it's been
in all the papers.

Call him.
Tell him not to bother.

He's already left.
He's on his way.

All rise for
the honorable
Judge Leonard Mordente.

[door closing]

l want Nicky on this now.
He's on it.

l want this taken care of
before my brother
gets here, capiche?

You turn this guy's key
and l'm back on the street.

(woman)
Question,
counsel for defense:

''Did Mr. Scarlett
display any abusive behavior

''when you conducted
the search of his home?''

Answer, Officer Bowman:
''Well, no, sir, not exactly.''

l...

l need to be excused
for a personal matter.

Court will be adjourned
until tomorrow morning.

[gavel bangs]

(bailiff)
All rise.

l'm glad my brother's coming.

Give him a chance to show him
how we do things in America.

[door closing]

[elevator bell dinging]

[grunting]

Oh, no. Look--
Howdy, Judge.

[grunting]
Come on. Take it easy.
Take it easy.

l'm Hannibal Smith,
The A-Team.
Smith? l don't--

l know.
You're afraid of heights.
Mr. Lee mentioned that.

You must be the real thing...

to come all the way up here
to get your daughter back.
Here.

Buckle that up.
lt will make you feel
a lot better.

Then you know that
Joe Scarlett took her.

And you're gonna declare him
not guilty...

even if the jury says he is.

How long has that jury
been deliberating?
Almost two days.

They could come back with
a verdict anytime now.

And what do you think?
Almost definitely guilty.

lf l'm reading them correctly,
and l'm pretty good at
guessing the outcome.

What are you gonna do, Judge?

Are you gonna let a slime
like Scarlett go...

knowing he's committed
a murder?

Smith, that is my daughter.

l can always get a mistrial
declared later, once she's
been returned safely.

lf she's returned safely.

[tires screeching]

[sirens wailing]

(Hannibal)
Uh-oh!

Hang on, Judge.

Hi, guys.

Where does he think
he's going?

Captain, there's no way
off that building.

Let's go.

(Hannibal)
You have any idea
where they're holding her?

(Mordente)
No, no.

l just make them send me proof
that she's still alive.

Every week they send
someone with some proof,
a photograph...

with something current in it.
Yeah?

When do you see
the guy next time?
Tonight.

Since we expect a verdict
any minute, they want to
keep me ready.

[grunting]

[phone ringing]

Are you gonna help me?
Can you find my daughter?

Well, we don't have
much to go on, you know.

And you're a very hot item,
Judge Mordente.

l mean, a judge digging
through the files,
looking for the A-Team.

The military's been
all over you.

l mean, l don't think you're
a bird dog intentionally.

But they've been behind you
every step of the way.

Come on, we'll catch them
on the roof. Move out.

(Decker)
Move out, Captain.
Move out!

Now, give me a hand, Judge.
What are you doing?
What is this?

Tools of the trade, Judge.

Just stay at home, Judge,
wait for their contact.
l'll be in touch.

Hi, guys.

l don't believe this.

[phone ringing]

At the tone...

the time will be
12.:22 in Hong Kong.

(Face)
Murdock,
will you listen to me?

Now, we've got a job to do
and here's how
we're gonna run it.

Now, General Barnaby,
he was your C.O. in Nam.
You got that?

And he needs
a kidney transplant. So--

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

l gave a kidney away
last year to Colonel Morgan.

And year before that
it was Westmoreland...

and l gave my lung away
the year before that...

to my Aunt Sophie.

We even took out your spleen
eight months ago, didn't we?

l'm practically
a shell of my former self.

Well, l'll tell you,
sometimes this is moving
too fast for me, you know.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Did we ever give you
a lobotomy?

No sweat.
Oh, Guy of the Countenance!
l've got this thing handled.

Now, wait a minute, Murdock...

the Colonel's
waiting for us, huh?

And this is a kidnapping,
so, you know, we don't have
a lot of spare time.

l have tunneled my way out.

You tunneled...

Murdock, that went out
with Hogan's Heroes.

Right behind
the psychiatric boardroom,
there's a sundeck.

Right behind that is
a walkway with a tree.

Meet me right there. Bye-bye.

l give him 10 minutes
and then l go
for the lobotomy.

Man, l can't believe
he wanted me to
give another kidney.

Give, give, give.

(Dr. Craig)
l've seen too many cases
of schizophrenia...

and far too many cases...

of those trying to perpetrate
a fraud on hospitals
and government funding.

Face, l'm here.

Look, you've asked me here
specifically to review
Mr. Murdock's case.

l continue to feel
the man's a fraud.

Certainly, you all had
a chance to review
Mr. Murdock's file. Yes?

[sawing]
And there are times
when he appears quite lucid.

So these reports
of violent outbursts
and aberrant behavior....

l mean, is there a....

You just can't put
any credence in them.

[thudding]
l know this man. l've been
in the same room with him.

We're soul brothers.
That man is as sane as l am.

[mimicking Bugs Bunny]

What's up, Doc?

Bob, call security quickly.

Oh, me lady.

Murdock?

No problem. No problem.
l got him. l got him.

So, sue me.

Hey, Augie.
You want l should
go in with you?

Why? You afraid of staying
out here alone?

[chuckling]

[speaking in European accent]
Good evening, sir.

Hey, l ain't never
seen you before.

May l take your coat?

[groaning]
No.

May l take your tie?

Okay, where is Mordente?

He is in the study, sir.

l have not announced you yet.

l don't need no announcement.
The Judge and l are pals.

May l take your shoes, sir?

Hey, Judge.

What's with the Addams Family
come to work here
all of a sudden?

You ain't getting funny on me,
are you, Judge?

No, no, l swear to you.

The man was supposed
to come to work tomorrow.
He came today, a day early.

My other servant, the old man,
had an illness in his family
and had to leave.

Yeah. Well...

there's a little illness
in this guy's family,
too, huh?

My daughter. How is she?
Here. Look it up.

So...

how's my favorite
jury coming, huh?

lt's a little early to tell.

Well, what do we care.
Because whatever they say...

you are gonna
make it right, right?

May l take your socks?

Now, get rid of this creep.

Then may l take your picture?

[groaning]

Hey, okay, now.

Okay.

Now...

may we take your clothes, sir?

[camera clicking]
You're all dead, you hear?

The Judge's little girl
is dead, you hear?
Hey, Judge, you hear me?

So much for the left profile.
Now a little bit
of the right profile.

You hear me, Judge?

(Augie)
Your little girl's
gonna pay, Judge.

You hear that, Judge?
Get out here.

l hope you know
what you're doing.

We're dealing with
savage people, Judge.

Now, Scarlett didn't go
to all that trouble
to beat a murder rap...

just so he can release
your daughter who can
send him up for kidnapping.

Here you go, Colonel.

l thought you could use
a blow-up for some
of the detail work.

(Hannibal)
Nice.

Could you get me
a three-quarter left?
Sure.

Gee, it looks like it's gonna
have to be let out
a little in the waist.

No kidding?
Yeah.

Okay. You do it.
Right.

Whatever you guys
are gonna try, you're gonna
get away with zip.

We got every precaution.

You try and find that girl,
you better decide...

you want her buried
in cherry wood or pine.

Nobody sees that girl
but me and who l say.

(Hannibal)
That's exactly
what we figured.

Oh, that's good, Colonel.
He wore it on the left.
Little further back.

l don't believe it.
You're me!

You never looked this good.

You took your sweet time.
Some kind of trouble?

Nobody gives me trouble.
Just drive the car.

Tough guy.

You thinkin'?
Yeah, l'm thinkin'.

'Cause you're real quiet.

l'm quiet 'cause l'm thinkin'.

When l'm done thinkin'
then l'll be done bein' quiet!

l was just asking.

'Cause you was quiet.

'Cause l was thinkin'.

[tires screeching]

Hey!

[shotgun cocking]

Hiya, doll.

What are you, crazy?
You don't give the knock?

Maybe he's testing me again.
Yes, Augie?

He likes to test me.

So how's the girl, huh?

She still doesn't eat.
Maybe that's why
she's so skinny.

Well, l'm starving, eh?

How about something for me?
Come on.

Hey!

He's thinkin'.

[door closing]

Lori, you don't look
too skinny to me. But l think
you ought to eat more.

Don't, you try anything
and l'll....

Shh.

Your father sent me.
My father?

l'm Hannibal Smith.
Your voice?

My friends and l are gonna try
and get you out of here.

Now, l'll loosen these ropes.
l don't understand.

So you can slide out
if you need to.

There. Just hang in there.

Have they hurt you?
No. You can help me?

lt's gonna be all right.

lf you don't like it,
cook for yourself!

How many times
l gotta eat it, huh?

[laughing]
l mean...

how many times
can you eat the same thing?

Look who l'm asking.
You love that stuff.

That's why she makes it.

[gun cocking]

You ain't fooling me, friend.
l know.

What do you know?
Don't play with me.

That whole act don't fool me.

l've been doing
a lot of my own thinkin'.

l wasn't born under
the armpit of no rabbit.

That game
you and Marta played
don't fool nobody.

l see the way you was
lookin' at one another.
l know.

She used to look at me
that way when she was
Sally Boy's girl.

l can't believe
you'd do this to me.

Nicky, you don't know nothing.
l don't know nothing, huh?

Her always cookin' those
Polish sausages for you.

Me, l hate Polish sausages.
They make me sick.

This whole thing
makes me sick!

What is Mr. Scarlett
gonna think?

You pull that trigger...

and blow this
whole thing over a broad.

Nicky,
if l was smart enough...

to get a looker like Marta...

l wouldn't be dumb enough
to try and take her
from you, huh?

lf you're lyin',
you're dying, Augie.

He drives me crazy.
l can't stand him anymore.

Well, l think Nicky knows.
Who cares?

Tonight, l give him
the kiss of death.

Yeah, well,
at least he'll die happy.

Then you and l, we go.
Yeah.

Until Scarlett finds us.

With $500,000, we can be
pretty hard to find.

Every penny
Nicky has earned...

he thinks it is still in that
numbered Swiss account.

That bookkeeper gave me
that number a long time ago.

l moved all the money.
Nicky still doesn't know.

And he never will.
Well, that sounds wonderful...

unless l wake up
with my throat cut.

Only if l catch you
looking at other women, huh?

That redhead in
trailer number 10?

But you are
too smart to do that.

You are different
than all of the others.

l thought it would be
something like that.

''So when Peter Pan
found out that Tiger Lily...

''and the Little Lost Boys
had been captured
by Captain Hook...

''he and Wendy...''
Now, that's his main squeeze.

B.A., why don't you
drop me off at this next
corner up here?

l'm gonna dig up
what l can on Joe Scarlett.

l'll meet you guys
back at the Judge's.

''He and Wendy went
looking for their friends...

''but what he didn't know...''

B.A., have you been eating
Murdock's books again?

(Murdock)
l can't believe that.

How will l find out
the ending?

Now, l'll never know
what happened.

[tires screeching]

[guns firing]

l can't believe
l let that happen.

lt was just as much my fault.

Who would have thought
he'd try that?

He could have been killed.

Yeah. Well,
he probably figured
he's good as dead anyway...

when Joe Scarlett
got a hold of him.

Now, we have no way
to warn the Colonel.

(Cindy)
Well, good afternoon.

lt certainly seems to be.

And where has
my Augie-Waugie been?

Oh...

busy-wizzy.

The phone broke down
in my place and l thought
maybe l could use yours.

Maybe, if you rub my back.

Yeah. Well, it is important.

And l have to make the call.

All right, but hurry back.
l burn easily.

Yeah, bet you do.

[telephone ringing]

Hello. Yes.

Yes, they are.
lt's Smith.

Colonel,
thank heavens you called.

What's the matter?
Augie got away.

lt's all my fault.
l should've been
ready for him...

but he could be there
anytime now.

Okay, listen up.

l'm at the Pleasant
View Motor Park off l-10.

A 40-foot RV at the back.

Beige, brown stripes,
green awning.

Now there's a guard,
right inside the main gate...

and then there's
an Airstream...

and a camper pick-up
right near the hot spot.

l count three armed outside,
and two inside.

We're on our way, Colonel.
Okay.

These guys are ready.
Don't let them see you comin'.

Colonel, you were right.

The wire tap on Mordente's
telephone paid off.

Smith just called him.
We trace it?

Didn't have to,
Smith said where he was.

''Pleasant View
Motor Park off l-10.''

Let's do it.

[dog barking]

(Augie)
Hiya, baby.
l'll see you later.

Augie?

l said l'd see you later.

But Augie, how did you get
out of my trailer?

You stay right here.

Augie?

[grunting]

[crockery smashing]

[glass shattering]

[thudding]

[grunting]

[groaning]

[groaning]

Thanks for the use
of the phone.

[gun cocking]

Excuse me.
Gee, l love that hat.

Listen, l need
somebody to talk to
about taking that RV.

l'm from Acme Axle Repair.

(Nicky)
You better tell me...

how many people
you got working for you.

Or what? You'll kill me?

Seems to me l get
that door prize whether
l talk to you or not, pal.

lt's just a matter of how much
you end up liking it.

See Marta here?
She used to be a nurse
for a plastic surgeon.

She knows all kinds of stuff
about knives and skin.

And real bad hurts.

l'll bet she likes to
cut people's throats
while they're asleep.

What you messing with him for?

l told you how many guys
l saw at the Judge's.

We ought to take him out
and whack him.
You shut up.

Just tell them to get
the chopper here.
lt's on the way.

Judge wasn't supposed
to call nobody.
No cops. Nobody.

These guys ain't cops.
Look here.

You let your lQ peek
through for a minute.

l don't know, Nicky.
He pulled the tarp
over your eyes.

What're you talking?
Him and your lady here.

l ought to
plug you right here.
Hold!

What are you talkin'?

Nick, you said
you thought Marta was
involved with somebody.

What are you
listening him for?

What are you
so nervous about?

'Cause we ought to whack him.
Maybe l should whack you.

(Hannibal)
Sure, Augie.
That way...

she doesn't have to split
Nicky's dough with you.

[shouting in foreign language]

Be nice.
Money? What money? What?

All that money you had
in the Swiss bank account.

The money that Marta moved.

Nobody whacks nobody
till l find out
what's goin' on here.

Howdy to you.

How're doing there?
Nice looking outfit you got.

Listen, could you
point me the direction
of the main office here?

l....

Well, now, that's ever
so nice of you.

Keep right on movin', pal.

Hey, what's goin' on
over there?

[guns firing]

Get down. Stay there.

What's goin' on here?

Man, here comes Hannibal.
Let's give him cover.

You guys all right?

l'm telling you,
finding a spot in these
trailer parks is murder.

Where's the girl?
She's still in there.

lf we can keep her there,
we got it made.

[guns firing]
Give me a weapon.

[bullets ricocheting]

[sirens wailing]

Oh, no!

Guys, it's Decker!

(Decker on megaphone)
Smith, this is Colonel Decker.
Come out with your hands up.

ls he kidding?

You're completely surrounded.
You can count on it.

l don't believe this.

[helicopter whirring]

[gun firing]

Return fire!

Get that chopper, Captain.

None of the A-Team, sir.
Concentrate on that trailer!

Let's get out of here!

Gino.

Gino.

l can't believe
you came all this way.
Giuseppe, or Joe?

Joe, that's what
they call you here.

Come on, Gino.
Joe Scarlett.

The scourge
of the American underworld.

Okay, Gino, enough already.

Enough? Enough is right.

Are you ready to
come back with me?
Come back?

America has been good to me.

Oh, looks like
it's been good to you.

You come here...

become a boss
of a bunch of idiots.

They can't even
sit on this girl
until you're free.

What are you talkin' about?
They still got her.

l got her.

And she stays with me
until this is finished.

You don't understand, Gino.

You never did.
You're right.

l never did.

lt was always you, Gino.
Always.

Papa would teach you,
talk to you,
and put you in charge.

l was little Giuseppe.
Little Giuseppe this,
little Giuseppe that.

Here, l'm somebody.

People are afraid of me.
Joe Scarlett.

That name means something.
They shake when
l walk into a room.

l'm a big man, Gino.
l'm a big man here.

You're a big man, my brother.

You're a very big man.

You are my brother.
We are blood.

l do for you.

l get you out of this mess...

that you always got into
since you were younger.

You and l will know...

l got you out of this.

l make you a big boss again.

Guard!

You tell your big-time
American lawyer
that he call me...

at my home in Palermo...

to tell me of your release.

[door clanks shut]

Kay, l can't tell you...

how much l've been
impressed by your work
at the office.

For a junior law clerk,
you really have
a future ahead of you.

Yes. What is it?

Which phone?

(Face)
Payphone, right over there.

Excuse me for a minute.

Well, he certainly knows
his champagne. May l?

We have 10 minutes.

Why don't you tell me
everything about yourself?

Joe?
lt's me calling.

(Shaber)
Hey!

l tell you, if you've ever
seen the sun go down behind
Chappaquiddick Mountain....

l swear.
l don't know anything about
Judge Mordente's daughter.

l'm just an attorney.

Please!

[gasping]

You better get
used to it, fool.
Because you're gonna be...

spending a lot of time
in hospitals
in the near future.

Please, you don't understand.

Scarlett would kill me.

And his brother--
Wait. Wait, wait.

Hold on the presses, Marty...

l think we got a hot one
coming over the wire.

lt's the most
magnificent sight.
See, it sort of just--

Hey! We're on our way.
We gotta pick up
Hannibal at the Judge's.

ltaly, my friend. ltaly.

ltaly.

And we ain't flyin'.

That's where they're
holding her all right.
Yeah?

Well, l guess
when you're the local don...

you don't have to worry
about keeping a low profile.

l mean, who's gonna
mess with you?
This is a front door job.

No, Hannibal.
We did that at the trailer.

We're not gonna try that
twice in a row, are we?

Sure we are.

We'll need a back door out.
Yeah.

Well, there's a dirt airstrip
over that hill there.

We can get a DC-3 off of it.
But we'll have to refuel...

and that's going to
drain us of our remaining
working capital.

But we'll be on our way home.

[B.A. groaning]

[yawns]

(B.A.)
You guys
put me on a plane.

(B.A.)
You dead.
You hear me? Dead.

You put me on a plane.

That's what you done.
We're in ltaly, right?

You guys knocked me out
and flew me to ltaly.

And if you keep up
this unsightly behavior,
we shall be dead in ltaly.

Those are the bad guys.

No more, you hear?
No more planes.

l'm gonna help you guys rescue
that poor little girl...

but we ain't
getting on no plane.

B.A., we haven't got a plane.

(Hannibal)
The one that Face scammed
is out of gas.

We have to find
some other way home.

Now, let's concentrate on
rescuing the girl.

Hannibal has a plan.

We're going through
the front door again, right?

l think he's
getting to know me.
Let's go.

[birds chirping]

lf my father does
what you ask,
will you let me go?

Kidnapping is such
a tricky business.

First, we see
what the good Judge decides
about my wonderful brother...

then we see
what Don Scarlatti decides...

about the Judge's
lovely daughter.

Guido?
Si.

l leave Salvatore
here with you.

As soon as you hear from me,
take her out and....

Capiche?
Capiche.

[car door closing]

[tires screeching]

[birds chirping]

[man whistles]

[car horn honking]

[speaking in ltalian]

All right, all right.
Silenzio.

[groaning]

[horse snorting]

Jeez.

Helpless old man.

[grunting]
Why don't you hire somebody
to give you a hand?

lf l had a son like you,
l'd shoot myself.

l just might do
that for you...

if you don't hurry up
in getting this cart
unloaded and go.

Grazie, grazie.

You have one more bad deed
on your conscience
when you go to die.

[birds chirping]

Hey, you're not
from around here?

No, l come from America.

Chicago, the land of the home
and the braves.

Why do you think
l got no accent, huh?

[horse nickering]

[yells]

Stop! Please!

[groaning]

Missed me.

[grunting]

[exclaiming]

[groaning]

[both grunting]

Give me, give me.

[grunting]

l can't believe
you came after me.

Yeah, we're pretty amazing.

Face!

Get in the car!

Move!

[guns firing]

[bullet ricocheting]

l knew it.
l knew you guys were trying
to put me on a plane.

l just want to stop by
and pick up my suitcase.

l told you, l don't
go on no plane.

l'll go by boat
or l'll even drive,
but no flying.

l really believe that
this is not the proper time...

for such a debate,
Mr. Baracus!

l ain't flying!

Then time to drop us off
and write when you get work.

[guns firing]

Okay, B.A., slow down.

B.A.!

Hey, B.A., slow down!
No, no flying!

How could you do that
to a poor, defenseless
DC-3?

She didn't stand a chance.

l don't believe this.

Now we're stuck
in this country without
any means of escape!

The Captain has
a point there, B.A.

What do you got
to say about it?

We ain't flyin'.

[sighing]

Well, l like it.

And, well, l spent
all our funds...

getting the plane
and artillery
for this little jaunt.

So, l have
only enough money...

for, maybe, maybe one room.

l like it.

Gonna have to get
accommodations for all of us
without any money.

Of course.
Of course.

Now, Face...

if we had endless amounts
of money at our disposal...

and could do whatever we want,
whenever we wanted...

we wouldn't really need you,
now would we?

That's why l stick around,
Hannibal.

You have such
a wonderful way...

of making one feel
so much a part of the team.

Well, what can you do?
l mean, if you haven't
any money...

and you don't know
anyone onboard,
how will you get us on?

Well, it's really
just a matter...

of looking like you know
what you are doing,
you know...

and then steering
a wide enough berth...

until someone fills
in the proper blank.

Which someone
eventually always does.

But it does help
when just the right person
fills in the blanks.

Correct, Lieutenant?

All right.

Peck, Templeton Peck.

The new replacement?

Carla Singer,
Entertainment Director.
Well, how do you do?

lt's very nice to meet you.

You know, l really thought
l was going to
miss the boat. Ship.

See, l was
supposed to meet you
at your last port of call...

but l was 10 minutes late,
so l got down here
as fast as l could.

Right. All right.
Yeah. l'm so glad l did.

Well, you must either be
the new pool boy
or Doctor Forbes' assistant.

[knocking on door]

Dr. Forbes,
l hope l'm not interrupting.

l'm Dr. Peck,
your new assistant.

Well, they told me
l couldn't have one.
Really?

Well, be that as it may,
here l am.

They give you all that grot
about budgets, cutbacks--

Right, right, right.

You mind, if l....

No, no, no, no,
you might as well
look the part.

lt's about as close to
being doctors as we get
aboard this thing.

We just dispense the liniments
for the sunburn...

and we try and assure
the people that there
never has been...

a recorded case
of death by seasickness.

Well, that suits me just fine.

l mean, you....
After 15 operations a week...

some lasting
eight, ten hours....

l almost had
a nervous breakdown.

l was recuperating
in ltaly, you know...

and l decided to get back
into it real slow...

and then
this offer cropped up.

Where did you do
your pre-med work?

Boston.
l interned at St. Francis.
You're kidding.

Boston and St. Francis?

Why, did you go there?

No. No, l would have
liked to have gone there
when l was studying.

Yeah, wonderful school.

(purser)
l still don't understand
where you're going with that.

l told you
l have to be ready...

for when
Mr. Allerdyce arrives.

But l don't have
a Mr. Allerdyce booked
on this cruise.

Well, if the patient,
l mean, passenger
isn't booked on this cruise...

then what am l
doing with the man's
medical records, huh?

Why have they been
forwarded to me,
along with some rather...

special medical equipment
to be set up in his cabin?

Now, l suggest
that you do something
about this...

especially,
considering the fact...

that Mr. Allerdyce
is first cousin
to Conrad Stevens.

Conrad Stevens.
Chairman of the
Carnival Cruise Lines.

Well, no one has booked any
of the presidential suites.

Well, l'm sure
they'll do just fine.

The one on A-deck...

so he doesn't have
that far to travel
to get out for some sun.

That's perfect. l'll mention
your assistance in this matter
to Mr. Allerdyce.

l'm sure he'll be
most appreciative.

[ship horn blowing]

No way.
l ain't going to let you
take care of me.

You're the one who's sick.
You can't even
take care of nothing.

Not true, not true, not true.

B.A., it's your fault
that we're on this ship.
Now try and cooperate.

Now, Lori, you have
the cabin next door.
There's your key.

Oh, and this is for you.

A package?
Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, they have a really nice
boutique on the upper deck.

Believe me, l know what
a strain kidnapping can put
on one's wardrobe.

How thoughtful.
lt's just a little something.

l'll say.

What about us, Face?
You and l'll bunk
in the cruise quarters.

And you're gonna be
the doctor?

Assistant, Hannibal,
doctor's assistant.

You still haven't told me
about the other job,
the one l'm stuck with.

Haven't l?
Face.

l could have
sworn l mentioned....

Yeah, well, you are
going to help out...

all the beautiful ladies
around the pool.

You mean l'm the pool boy?

Well, we like to
call them ''pool persons.''

Face.
Hannibal, l'm sorry...

but, you know,
l figured that
we only had the money...

for the one room for Lori...

so, B.A., being the most
conspicuous, had to come in
as Mr. Allerdyce.

Now, let's see.
Oh, yeah, that's you.

You know
how you love a uniform.

[door opening]

Well, how do l look?

[sighing]

The pool, Hannibal,
it's gonna be flesh,
flesh and more flesh.

What do you know about
being a doctor?

Hannibal, please,
piece of cake.

Besides,
90% of the cases
on board this ship...

are nothing but sweet,
young things who've been
too long in the sun.

That's just wonderful.

l could just sit here
for hours while you do that.

Yeah.
Well, look, you can take
this tube with you--

Please don't stop.

No, you see, when you stop,
it just hurts so bad.

Yeah. Well, now,
if you just use this stuff
twice a day, the....

The label says
three times a day.

Yeah, well they just
print that stuff.

l mean, you can use it
three times a day,
if you feel you need to.

Yes, make it
three times a day.

Okay, bye now.

(Forbes)
Dr. Peck.

My assistant will be
with you momentarily.

Mr. Liebowitz here
needs a colonic.

Could you take care of him,
please?

A colonic?

[buzzing]

Will you excuse me a minute?

Believe it or not,
l would have rather
stayed here with you.

[[[singing Volare]

[clicks tongue]

Hey, who loves you, baby?

Johnny?
Yeah.

Here's the list of
anniversaries and birthdays
for this evening's show.

Okay.
And Mrs. Petrie would like
you to come over...

and present an autographed
album to Aunt Gretel.

Sure. Anytime l can
put a little sunshine...

into the life of
the little people, you know?

Carla, honey,
what do l have to give you
to get a little kiss?

Chloroform.

Oh!

Carla? Hi.
Hi.

Look, l'm sorry
to interrupt--
Then, why are you?

Be nice, Johnny.
Right, especially
to the less fortunate.

Templeton Peck,
this is Johnny Angel.

Johnny Angel. l like it.
Most people do.

Look, Carla,
l was just wondering...

l saw a motor launch
let some people off
on the boat.

Yes, a Mr. Scarlatti
and his party.

Mr. Scarlatti.

Yes, l guess they missed
the boat back at Palermo...

so the captain sent
a motor launch
to bring him out.

He's in the presidential suite
on C deck.
Thanks.

Why do you look at him
like that? What is he?

Cute.

[chuckling]

Hey, baby,
come win the taste test.

Someone had to have seen them.

lf not the girl, then
one of those four scungillis
who grabbed her.

l'll check with
the purser's office.

Find out about the persons
who got on board at Palermo.

l just want to know
they're on board.

lf they're here,
then she is here.
And l want her dead.

lf l have to, l'll blow up
the whole damn ship.

l got less than 24 hours.

l promise each
and everyone here...

if my brother
gets convicted...

l'll cut your hearts out
and mail them to him.

Now, find that girl
and kill her.

[speaking in ltalian]

Don't you worry, my brother.

Don't you worry.

How did you get in here?
l'm sorry.
l was looking for C-61 .

Would you look there?
''E-61,'' wrong deck.

l'm the ship's doctor, l....

Somebody reported
a very bad case of
seasickness, so l'll just....

Do l look seasick to you,
Doctor?

No, no, actually you look....

Perhaps, you could take
a very deep breath and....

[moaning]

l'm sorry. Look,
l can explain. lt's just--
l understand.

You do?
lt happens wherever l go.

Men just can seem to
stay away from me.

lt must be
a terrible burden.

Especially with my boyfriend
being so jealous.

Yes, well, l do recall...

having to tell
someone something....

You know, Bull does his laps
every day until 3:00.

Bull?
That's just what
his friends call him.

Arnold Bulinsky is his name.
''Bull'' for short.

l see.
For a minute there l thought
that was because he was...

you know, built.

Yes, until 3:00, huh? Right.

l really do have to
tell someone something...

very, very, important.

[exclaiming]

Kitty!
Thank God.
Quick, quick, some water.

What are you doing?

What am l doing?
What do you think l'm doing?

l'm trying to
bring her around.

[moaning]
Now quick, the water, move.

Hey, the water.
Thanks.

Here.
Maybe you better sit up.

Easy, easy.

Sip it. Nice and slow.

Would you.... Thanks.

Now, if you'll just lie back.
There you go.

Oh, boy, your pulse feels
like a trip hammer.

No kidding.

What happened, honey?
Bull, l don't know.

Well, l just found her
lying on the floor there.

l mean, luckily l was
on the wrong deck, you know.

Someone recorded
a very bad case of halitosis.

So, l came
to the wrong deck...

and l just happened
to spot Miss....

Tremayne.
Miss Tremayne.
But of course....

Anyway, l don't think you've
hit your head or sustained
any concussion or anything...

but l just suggest you take it
easy for a day or two...

and you know,
don't push....

What caused it?
Maybe she's ill?

No. lt's just your typical
case of, uh, anatonia...

caused by a shift
in the currents
in lower latitudes.

Perhaps you've been
experiencing some
of these symptoms.

[groaning]

l'm as fit as a horse.
Of course you are.

[moaning]
l've been telling you to
stay more in shape, babe.

ls there anything else
that l need, Doctor?

Well, yes. l think you should
take a nap
in the afternoons...

whenever you feel the need.

[door closing]

[screaming]

[people chattering]

[women screaming]

Anything you ladies need?

Towels, suntan lotion.
Suntan lotion--

Yo, boy,
where's that towel, huh?

As l said, anything you need,
feel free to call--

What are you doing,
knitting the lousy thing?

Excuse me.

Where's the drink?
l ordered another drink
over 10 minutes ago.

Johnny, did anyone ever
tell you that you got
one set of lousy manners?

Certainly not a towel boy...

and nobody calls me Johnny
without my say-so.

Hey, she can have my say-so.

Let me tell you something.

But l like to let
the little people off
with the first offense...

especially when
they're my name-sake.

But next time you'll be
paddling back to Capri
on a rubber horsie.

So, get me that towel
and find me that cold drink.

And maybe if you bring around
a date after my show...

l'll mention your name
on the mike.

See, it guarantees extra tips
when you're tight
with The Angel.

You know, Face,
l really like this
job you got me...

but l may have to
go to the lounge soon...

because that guy Angel is
going fishing very shortly--

lxnay that, Hannibal,
we got real trouble.

That launch that took off
on the side of ship?

Right. Left the entire cast
of The Cotton Club behind.

We'd better get out of sight.
l'll get B.A. and Murdock.

See if you can spring
Lori from Jaws.

Say cheeks, all right.
Here we go.

[camera clicking]

You better get below deck.
What's going on?

Hey, Kildare, why don't you go
peddle your aspirin elsewhere?

You better get below deck,
you see, you'll....

Yeah, you're absolutely
H-positive skin type.
Now, now....

l'll stop by
with the liniment.

Hey, what cabin can l
deliver the photos to?

That's all right.
l'll see that she gets it.

Liniment? Where do you guys
come up with these raps?

Well, you pick them up
in very short order
around here.

[camera clicking]
Say cheeks.

[whooping]

All right, all right,
that's a definite
upward trend...

for members of the black team.

l want to get out of here,
Murdock.

All right, B.A., just cool.
This is all part
of the disguise.

l mean, old crotchety people
love to play shuffleboard.

l said l want to
go downstairs.
l want to go to my cabin.

All right. Well,
you can't just get up
and walk, all right?

You're gonna have to
sit down and you gonna have to
enjoy this game of skill.

l want to go down.

Well, you can't.
Not until your nurse,
and that is moi, says you can.

You gonna take me
downstairs now or
l'm gonna give you...

the worst case of ring around
the collar you ever saw.

B.A., put Murdock down,
get back in your chair...

and meet me
in your cabin right away.

[Murdock panting]

Not bad, especially when
you put my neck in
the U of that hook.

l was just trying to teach you
how to have a good time...

when you grow up to be
an old lady, because make
no doubt about it...

when you're 45
you're gonna be
wearing a drip...

and ain't nobody's gonna
wanna dance with you.

Are you absolutely sure
that it's Scarlatti?

Well, some faces make
an indelible impression,
you know.

Especially when you see them
for the first time...

over the barrel
of a machine gun.

How many men
did he have with him?

lt was like the Volkswagen
at the circus.

Guys just kept coming out,
each one bigger than the next.

l ran into four of 'em
just trying to find you guys.

The first thing
they'll do is to check
the ship's registry.

Find out how many cabins
we took after we sailed
from Palermo.

Lori, don't go back
to your cabin. Stay here.

(B.A.)
Stay here?

Hannibal, we all can't stay
cooped up in the same cabin
for two weeks.

B.A., there are more of them
than there are of us.

Besides,
we don't have any weapons
that we can conceal.

We'll have to
thin them out a little.

l don't understand.
l mean, if there are
so many of them...

what can you do
if they're all armed?

Cut down the odds.
Take some of
the other side out.

We'll run across
a couple of guns
along the way.

lf we start roaming
around the ship,
they're gonna recognize us.

We could all move
around freely...

if we were all in disguise.

(Carla)
A costume party?

Everybody who's come
to see me, which is half
the people on this boat....

Ship, has said,
''What about a costume party?''

l've been a cruise director
for four years now...

and l've never heard
of a costume party.

Really?
They went out
with hula hoops.

Well, half the people
on this cruise
went out with hula hoops.

Yeah, that's the trouble
with cruises today.

l mean, why get rid of
a good thing, you know?

l can't believe that
many people asked about one.

Are you kidding? Oh, sure.

l mean, all kinds of people
have been coming up to me.

You see, the best costume
gets to sit at the captain's
table for dinner.

lt's an old custom.
l'm surprised
you haven't heard of it.

Yeah,
even the captain was saying--
The Captain?

Yeah, By the way,
l love this scarf.

Yeah, l was giving
the Captain a shot
in his cabin, B-1 2.

And he was saying how much
he missed the good
old days. So l said--

No costume party was
mentioned when people
signed up for the cruise.

Yeah, but--
No one has any costumes.

That's half the fun.
You get to create
your own costume.

You really don't know
anything about this, do you?
lt's amazing.

Are you trying to do
my job for me or something?

No, please,
No, l....
No?

That doctor,
he gets more action....

Look, l'm sorry.
l don't know
what came over me.

You've never done anything
like that before?

No, no.
No.

lt's kind of hard
to explain. You see--

A costume party, huh?
Yeah.

Yeah?

Come on.
Shut up, fool.

Please, B.A., please.

(B.A.)
l said, no. And no is no.

What's going on?

Well, l have nothing to wear.
l mean l have absolutely
nothing to wear.

l asked him if l could
borrow those delicious
feathered earrings?

He's not even going
to that party today...

and he said no.
Do you know why?
Because he is jealous.

That's why.
Because l'll get a date.

Perhaps l would be
the first to marry...

and mine will be
the first-born male child
on the A-Team.

And he just couldn't
have that, could he?

Little tuck
here and there, you know.

Gold braid...

on the shoulder...

toy sword and voila!

Charge Of The Light Brigade.

Well, that's it, then.
l mean that's it.

All the good
costumes are gone.

Where does that
leave me then?

Hey, you can sit on Face's lap
and go as Jerry Mahoney.

Don't you talk to me,
Mr. Won't-lend-his-earrings.

[people chattering]

I'm going to keep everybody
having a good time
happy all over this ship.

[people cheering]

Hey, Donnie,
why don't you check up there?

A nice round of applause,
ladies and gentlemen...

for our M and M twins.

Let's here it,
ladies and gentlemen.

[[[Murdock singing]

Oh, wow, my, my!

How inventive!

l mean, l just can't get over
the cleverness,
the ingenuity of it.

You are definitely gonna win
today's contest.

You are the best-dressed
Bowery bum l've ever seen.

You have a problem, buddy?

[laughing]

l'm just a little giddy.

Everything is so refreshing.
You want some punch?

[door closing]

l got him.

No weapons, Murdock?
You looking for these?

Oh.

Nice.

Now we need something
for the rest of you guys.

l shall be back
by the stroke of midnight.

Or sooner, if they run out
of finger sandwiches.

[laughing]

The man does not long
for this world, Hannibal.

l'm not sure
he was ever in it.

Yeah! Is everybody
having a good time?

(crowd)
Yeah!

All right, come on, people!

(Johnny)
Having a good time,
aren't you? Yeah!

Let's have a nice hand
for this guy.

Yeah! Yeah!

[[[music playing]

(Johnny)
Carla!

Carla,
this was a brilliant idea.

Of all the cruise directors
that l've worked
with before...

l was wondering who was gonna
pull this one out of the trunk
and dust it off.

You really are special.
Like me.

So, l was thinking that
two special people--
ls one too many.

Yeah.

So, Johnny, you like
the costume party, huh?

lt's a real dipstick idea.

A bunch of grown-ups
runnin' around, dressed
for Halloween?

l mean, there's something
unnatural. l mean,
what do you call this?

l'm a class act
direct from Vegas.

Did you see
the card out front?

lt says, ''Johnny Angel,
the King of Croon.''

Right about now,
l'd be into the Sinatra set.

Doing Strangers In the Night
or My Way...

which is old Blue-Eyes'
favorite the way l do it.

l end the show off with
some Volare, which usually
brings the house down.

l'm out here playing
Monty Hall to a couple
of cucumber sandwiches...

from Keokuk Falls.

Well, hang in there, Johnny.

Remember,
it's all in good fun...

and l hear you're
into having fun.

[[[singing Volare]

What do you think?
l am the ghost
of Christmas future.

You see what happened
to the guy who was with me?

Too much punch.

(Carla)
Everyone's having
a good time.

l never would have
believed this.

Got two .25 automatic,
Hannibal, and one extra clip.

With this P38
what Face can get us,
we should be all right.

We got to find him.
l'll take the upper deck.

l'll check
if you'd like, Colonel.
lt's a heck of a party.

You got to
check it out, too, B.A.

l'll lend you my sheet.

Everybody having a good time?

[laughing]

(Johnny)
You got it!

[people chattering]

l thought we could....
Well....

[moaning]

Look, l have a patient
in traction and l have to
look in on her.

Really.

Kitty, what, what--

Doctor, l'm feeling
sick again. l think
l need mouth to mouth.

Yeah, l really do have
a patient in traction
that l have to look in on.

The traction is not
going anywhere.

l knew it!

How dare you?

[groaning]

l knew it.

[grunting]

[gasping]

What did you do to him?

What do you mean,
what did l do to him?

He tried to kill me,
for cryin' out aloud.

He was trying to protect me.
You're right.

No mask.

[groaning]

[groaning]

Put him down, pal.

Oh....

[gasping]

[coughing]

How very charming.

That's her.
Si.

[door opening]

What do you call this?
What are you guys
doing in my room?

That's a very pretty girl...

and obviously
a good friend of yours.

All pretty girls are
good friends of mine...

but that still don't
give you guys the right
to break into my room.

Perhaps this does, hmm?

ls everybody around here
going crazy?

You guys know
who you're messing with?

l open for Ol' Blue-Eyes
when he plays Tahoe.

What, wait a minute.
Where is she?

Now get hold of the Captain.

Tell him to get
the authorities out here
to arrest these jokers.

My baby.
He'll be fine, believe me.

[groaning]
Here's a little present
for you.

That fish you caught
don't have any scales.

Have a nice swim, Lieutenant?

Now, we got
everybody except Scarlatti
and his lieutenant, right?

Right.

Let's go get him.

[women screaming]

[screaming]

Drop your weapons, now!

l think we have
a first-prize winner here:
''Best Gangster.''

Now, or we sending
this little girl home
to Papa in a shoebox!

Too many innocent bystanders.

lt's his call, guys.

(Captain)
This is M.S. Tropicale
calling...

the Italian coast guard
station at Palermo.

The ship is under siege.

Armed gunmen are
aboard the ship.

We are 38 degrees,
20. 10 minutes north...

and 10 degrees
06.30 minutes east.

We need immediate assistance.

[woman screaming]

Let's go.

Now remember...

anybody who sticks their
nose out gets it shot off.

Mr. Scarlatti,
everything is under control.

Get the Captain's
launch lowered.

Bernie, Rico,
you take care of
these gentlemen.

Come on, let's go.

(Lori)
What do you want?

You and l have some business
to discuss, family business.

My brother and your father.

[grunting]

No, wait!
Help!

Murdock....

lt's all right.
l got him.

Please....

Please don't hurt my friends.

l'll do anything.
Anything you want.
Of course you will.

Of course
you'll do anything l want.

You realize
what kind of difficulties
you put me through?

Don't you realize
it's too late? Huh?

You're worried
about hurting people?

Why you take me
around the floor
with this tarantella?

Now l got to blow up this ship
with all these witnesses.

[gun cocking]
God, no, not all these
innocent people.

Life can be unfair, no?

But what we got to do
is call up your father...

you tell him
what l say you to tell him.

Or things will go
from bad to worse,
in no time at all.

[all grunting]

[grunting]

[groaning]

[groaning]

Pull back! Come on down!

We need that chopper,
Captain. What do you say?

[chuckling]

[woman groaning]

Do you want to see
why we just swam...

200 yards to get you?

Look at this. Look.

[bullet ricocheting]

[machine gun firing]

[bullet ricochets]

Yeah!

[ Smash him, thrash him,
throw him on the floor [

[ Rock him, sock him,
knock him in the jaw [[

[[[Murdock humming]

[exclaiming]