That Girl (1966–1971): Season 5, Episode 23 - Soot Yourself - full transcript

And where were you?

Among other place
I've been today,

I'm also in the paper on page 5.

In the newspapers?

You did something this morning

that got you in the
newspapers this afternoon?

That's right, on page 5.

There's a picture.

What picture? Where?

Right there, on the
bottom of the page.

You're kidding.



You're really kidding.
This girl, she...

No.

I'm telling you,
Marcy, I'm that girl.

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She spins a lot of dreams ♪

♪ She's everything that
every girl should be ♪

♪ Sable, popcorn, white wine ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪



♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!

[no audible dialogue]

Oh, look. Oh, look.

Here's Diane Gordon's name.

She's our president.

Let me look at this
for just a minute.

Oh, isn't that exciting?

Oh, Marcy, you really
should join up with us.

I mean, all the girls are
so seriously dedicated

to ridding the
world of pollution.

If you can find one

who's seriously dedicated
to being my maid,

I'll be able to go out with
you all day in a gas mask.

On, come on. You
can find the time.

Who's going to watch the twins

while I'm out at meetings?

They could have
been with us today.

While you were picketing,

they could have been
right along with us.

How does this thing go on?

Oh, here. Let me show you.

Did you wear that to point
out how bad the air is?

Well, all the other girls did.

I wore it to hide my identity.

You know where
we picketed today?

No.

News View.

Don's magazine?

Why did you choose
Don's magazine?

I didn't choose it. The
committee chose it.

Does Don know
you were picketing?

I don't think so. I
sure didn't tell him.

Yes, Elaine?

Ha.

Is it my walk or
the way I dress?

Oh. Oh, Mr. Adams.

I'm sorry. I thought
you were my secretary.

Yes, yes. That's why I asked.

Ah, well, that...
That's a good joke.

That's really a good one.

Uh, would you sit down?

No. No, thank you,

but, uh, you might care to

when you read this local...

What is it besides this
afternoon's newspaper?

Well, it's a little story

about those polluted
pickets today.

Oh, about pollution
pickets, you mean?

- Ha.
- Oh, no, you don't.

You're going for another
one of those jokes.

You didn't get down there
to see them, I suppose.

Uh, no, sir. I worked
through lunch.

Ahh, yes. Yes, so
I see. Very good.

You almost finished, too.

Hmm?

Y-Yes.

This girl looks like...

No.

You mean that girl
with the gas mask.

Uh, yes.

She does look a little
familiar, doesn't she?

Well, just a little, sir, yes.

Uh, but, Mr. Adams,
if you think this is Ann,

you're wrong, sir.

Uh, in the first place,

she doesn't wear a gas mask.

She doesn't? I
thought she always did.

No, no, no, sir. Not
even now and then.

And in the second place,

she wouldn't
picket this building.

She knows I work here.

Uh-huh. Then I guess
she knows something

that I'm not too sure of, Don.

Boy, Mr. Adams, you...

You sure have a
knack for, uh, words.

Well, look, check
it out, will you?

The girl in the gas mask.

Oh, I get it.

The air is filtered
out through here?

- That's right.
- Uh-huh.

And the smog and the
rest of the dust particles

all come out through there.

- That's right.
- Oh, yeah.

- That's a nice thing.
- [phone rings]

Oh, wait. Let me get the phone.

Hello.

- Ann?
- Yeah, hi, Donald.

Honey, what's the matter?

Nothing. Why?

I don't know. You sound funny.

I guess we must
have a bad connection.

Oh, no. That's because
I have on my gas mask.

But why couldn't you tell me?

Because you have
tried to talk me out of it.

- How would you know?
- Because I know.

- Hi, kids.
- You do, do you? Hi, Nino.

Well, wouldn't you have?

You're darn right I would have.

- Is our booth ready?
- Yes, it's...

- Hi, Nino.
- Hi.

Why didn't you admit
that in the first place?

Because, honey,
that's not the point.

What is the point?

You two want separate tables?

The point is

if you were going to
picket my place of business,

you should have told
me, and you didn't. Why?

Because, Donald, you'd
have tried to talk me out of it,

and you probably
would have succeeded,

which would have been
very weak on my part.

But News View magazine

and a lot of other
big corporations

deserve to be picketed.

It just so happens that today

the committee chose News View.

Yeah, but why News View?

What does News View
got to do with air pollution?

I wrote an article
against air pollution

over a year ago in News View.

Aha.

Aha? What is that aha?

That article you wrote
was so marvelous

that it is now
framed and hanging

behind Diane Gordon's desk.

Who is Diane Gordon?

She happens to be

the president of
our organization.

If it wasn't for your
marvelous article,

she never would have
been inspired, Donald,

to form this organization,

to really do something positive

about our environment.

Yeah, but then why is
she mad at News View?

Because News View published
that article over a year ago,

and they haven't done another
thing on the subject since.

And furthermore, their
paper plant in Hastings

is spewing garbage
into the Hudson River,

and their furnaces
are burning waste

and polluting the air.

Look at you, honey.

You've turned
into a total fanatic.

Well, Donald, that's
what happens to all of us.

We wait so long to do something

so that by the time
we decide to do it,

we've already become fanatics.

But you do finally do
something about it, don't you?

Oh, Donald, I just
knew you'd understand

once I explained the
whole thing to you.

Just don't do it around
News View anymore.

Donald.

We've decided for
at least one week,

starting yesterday,

to do everything we
can to fight pollution,

and, Donald, that means
all kinds of pollution.

There's air pollution,
food pollution.

- There's waste...
- Hearing.

Hearing?

Loud noises is a
form of air pollution.

Filling the air with
excessive noises

has been proven
to hasten deafness

and raise the aggravation rate.

If you really did
read my article,

you would have known that.

That's right, that's right.

Higher anxieties and ill tempers

were directly related
to the amount of noise

people absorbed in the subways.

I remember that now.

Oh, Donald, you want a peach?

Wait a minute. Wait
a minute, honey.

How come you have peaches?

Why not peaches?

Well, they cause garbage.
You know, the pits.

Or am I expected
to eat the pits?

No, but you are
expected to plant them.

To plant a peach
pit in New York City?

Which has about as
much chance of surviving

as a peach pit in New York City.

So try planting it
indoors, Donald.

The worst thing
that can happen is

you throw it away,

and because it's organic,

it eventually will serve
a healthful purpose.

Very good. Okay, listen, honey,

I have to get back to the office

and finish an article.

It's going to be rough
getting a cab now.

Donald, there will be
no cab getting this week.

There won't?

Well, Donald, you
know that gasoline

is one of the major
contributors to pollution.

During the campaign,
cabs are out.

Well, honey, may I suggest

that you ease up
on that restriction?

Donald!

No, no. Not Donald. Annold.

If I take a cab to work,

there's going to be
one vehicle involved.

If I try to run to work now,

there's going to
be an ambulance,

a police car, and at
least one rescue truck

dispatched to revive me.

So, for the sake of the
air, I'm going to take a cab.

May I remind you that
you wrote that article?

May I remind you

that the only reason you read it

is because I have
a job at News View,

which I'm not going
to have much longer

if you don't stop this craziness

and I don't go
back to the office

and finish my article?

I don't care.

Well, you will care
after we're married

and I can't afford to buy
you peaches for your farm

on 54th Street.

Funny, funny, funny writer.

Hypocritical, but funny.

Hypocritical?

Mm-hmm.

- You know what?
- What?

You're right.

Donald, don't try
and... I'm right?

Yeah. I'm going to take a
cab back to the office now,

but after I finish work tonight,

I'm going to walk back here.

Oh, but you'll be here so late.

Oh. You're right.
I'll take a cab.

For you.

Donald, don't try and trap me.

Don't take a cab for me. Walk.

Honey, it's freezing outside.

Oh, all right. Do
whatever you think is right.

But I've got to get
to bed early tonight

because I've got to be up
early in the morning picketing.

Where?

Well... Well, Donald, you see...

News View? You're going
to picket my building again?

- It's on the list.
- Well, take it off the list.

- I can't.
- Ann.

- What?
- Take it off the list!

[sigh]

Hello, Mr. Gordon.
Is your wife there?

Oh, good.

Hi, Diane. It's Ann Marie.

Yes, listen. I'm really
having trouble with Donald.

Well, of course it's about
the News View thing.

Is there anything we can do

to try and not picket
that building tomorrow?

Well, I was wondering.

Maybe we'll try
the dinner thing.

You know, that whole
scheme about the dinner.

Can we do that with Mr. Adams?

Well, I thought if I
invite him up here

and do that whole
thing with him,

maybe then we could take
him off the picketing list.

Oh, that would be great.

Yeah. Well.

I don't think Don will
be so crazy about it,

but if he found out
the reason I did that

was to get him off
the picketing list,

he wouldn't be so mad. Maybe.

Okay. Yeah, thanks, Diane.

Bye-bye.

Hello. Mr. Adams?

Hi. This is Ann Marie.

How are you? Oh, good.

Uh, I was wondering

if maybe you could come
to dinner tomorrow night.

Well, you see, it's...
It's Donald's birthday,

and I just decided
at the last minute

to give him a
surprise birthday party.

Well, he's always saying

how much he'd just love to
have you and Mrs. Adams over,

so I thought it would be
great to have you here.

Uh-huh. Oh, that's great.
I'm so glad you can come.

Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye-bye.

Oh, Donald, please forgive me.

[knock on door]

Just a minute.

Oh, hi, Mr. Stone.

Hello. My wife says

you have some complaint
about the heating.

- Yes, I do.
- [phone rings]

Oh, let me just get this.

Hello. Oh, hi, Marcy.

Oh, yeah. I'm going
to be here all afternoon.

Come on over.

Oh, listen, bring
that big salad bowl

you have, will you?

Well, I'm going to give
a surprise birthday party

for Donald tonight.

Okay. Thanks. Bye.

That's nice. How
old is he going to be?

- Who?
- The birthday person.

Oh, it's not really
his birthday.

Now, Mr. Stone...

It's not really his birthday,

but you're giving
him a surprise party?

That's right.
Listen, Mr. Stone...

Why, may I ask?

Well, I have this reason.

Please, Mr. Stone, it
really doesn't involve you.

You're right. I apologize.

Now, there is something
I'd like you to do.

I can't give more heat.

I want you to give me less heat.

- Less heat?
- Right.

In fact, it would be great

if you could give
me no heat at all.

You're giving a birthday
party without a birthday,

and you want less heat.

Uh, Miss Marie, maybe I should
come back some other time.

Wait a minute, Mr. Stone.

Have you forgotten
that the city decided

that Mr. Dawson had better
replace that bad furnace?

Well, I'm just the
superintendent.

He's the landlord.

I know that.

Oh, please.

I'm not blaming you, Mr. Stone,

it's just that I don't believe

in talking to you
as a superintendent.

Please sit down.

I'm talking to you as
another person in this building

in New York city,

in the world, for that matter.

Mr. Stone, I want to
talk to you about life.

Please, I'm a married man.

Mr. Stone, don't you feel at
all what's happening to us?

That's a good-bye.

Oh, Mr. Stone, I don't
mean us, you and me,

I mean the country.

The bad furnace in this building

is pouring gas and
pollution into the air,

and it's bad for us, all of us.

The city said that that
furnace has got to be replaced.

He said he would replace it.

Oh, sure, in his own sweet time.

In the meantime, it's killing us

and the birds and
the grass and the park

and the flowers and
the trees and your heels.

My heels? My heels are dying?

That's right, they're dying.

The rubber in the
heels of your shoes

is being disintegrated
by pollution.

You have to act now, Mr. Stone.

Good morning, Don.

Oh, Mr. Adams.
Good morning, sir.

How are you?

Oh. not too bad for
an old sea dog, huh?

A few aches and
pains here and there,

but then again, we're
all getting on, aren't we?

Yes, sir, yes, sir, each
and every one of us.

Too true. Too true.

Well, tell me, how's
the article coming along

- on the 747?
- Fine. Fine, Mr. Adams, fine.

I think I've found
the right angle on it.

Ah. Good, good.
For a while there,

I was afraid it wasn't
going to get off the ground.

The article, that
is, not the airplane.

- Yeah.
- Sorry. Sorry, Don.

Terrible double entendre, huh?

I didn't mean that.

I'm telling you, Mr. Adams,

you have a natural
sense for comedy.

Oh-ho, easy with
that sweet talk.

A guy might get the feeling

that you expect something
special from me today, huh?

Well, uh, Mr. Adams,
as a matter of fact, I do.

All right, well, then, you go
right ahead and ask, huh?

After all, why
shouldn't you be entitled

to a little extra
something today, hmm?

Why is that, sir?

Because, after
all, today's your...

Uh, t-today's, uh,

Be Kind to Reporters Day.

To the resolution I just
made up, you know, Donald?

So, now, what can I do for you?

Well, Mr. Adams...

Mr. Adams, it's about

those women picketing yesterday.

Ah, yes, yes.

Thank goodness they're
not back again today, huh?

Y-Yes, yes. Uh, well,
frankly, Mr. Adams,

I think we ought to do
a follow-up article on it...

You know, keep it alive.

Don, you've already
written that article.

And very good, too.

You covered it thoroughly.

We had a lot of nice
word of mouth on it,

but now it's over,
done with, finis.

People are getting tired

about all this talk
about pollution

and TV specials on it,

public service films,

articles in the
newspapers every day.

That's all gone. It's
over, through, finished,

like beating a dead horse.

I'm sorry, Mr. Adams.
I'm sorry, sir,

but I... I disagree with you.

- Oh?
- I don't think it's enough

until we see a reversal
in human behavior.

I mean nothing's happening.

It's getting worse
than it ever was.

I think we just have
to keep drumming at it.

Don.

Don, will you do me a favor

and just continue on
the 747 article, huh?

I wouldn't want to get into
an argument with you today.

Especially today.

Boy, time really flies.

Seems like six months
ago, it was Donald's birthday.

Yeah, well, it was.

This is just an excuse

to get Mr. Adams
over here for dinner.

What are you going to serve him?

This.

Are you out of your mind?

Marcy, this is a whole part

of our campaign for pollution.

You see, you invite
polluters over to dinner,

and you show them the
different hazards of pollution.

And one of them is giving them
a whole meal made of leftovers

so they can understand
the whole idea

of not creating garbage.

Now, what else goes
with leftover roast beef,

tomato paste, ketchup,
and Worcestershire sauce?

Well, if you're
making a poison dart,

all you need is the dart.

How did you get Don
to agree to all this?

Oh, I didn't tell Donald.

Oh, swell.

Well, now I got to go out
and buy myself a new dress.

- For what?
- Your funeral.

[knock on door]

Donald?

[Donald] No. No,
Donald is frozen

on the corner of
48th and Madison.

I'll be right there.
Just a minute.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Guess who just walked 20 blocks

in 30 degree weather.

- Frosty the Snowman.
- Besides him.

- Uh, Donald, the Cold.
- On the nose.

Cheeks, chin, fingers.

It's cold.

That takes care of the lips.

Now send out the girls

to kiss my cheeks and fingers.

No chance.

One girl for my chin?

Be happy your lips are warm.

I'm happy.

Hey, honey, that smells good.

Well, it's an hour overdone.

Smells an hour
overdone, but good.

Now, Miss Marie,
may I thank you?

Yes, you may. For what?

For no picketing today.

I'm sure it was your doing.

Well, I did have a little
something to do with it.

Oh, sweetheart, thank you.

I hope you're not sorry.

- For what?
- Nothing, nothing.

Honey, isn't it a
little cold in here?

Well, I guess it is a little.

Well, why don't you
turn up the heat?

Because, Donald, why
don't you make me warm?

Who's going to make me warm?

I'll make you warm.

You know, I bet I could pick
up a few thousand dollars

by selling you out
as a thermostat.

Honey, I mean it. Why
don't you turn up the heat?

Because it pollutes the air.

- It pollutes the air?
- Yes.

Yes, there's a bad
furnace in this building,

and until they fix it,
I refuse to use heat.

I see. You know what
else pollutes the air?

- What?
- Sneezing and coughing.

Oh, Donald, I'm
not going to get sick.

Don't you realize

that Eskimos live in
below-freezing temperatures

and it doesn't
bother them a bit?

- Oh, is that right?
- That's right.

Why do you think they
kiss by rubbing noses?

It's their custom.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Well, that proves

just how little you know.

It so happens they like
to kiss on the mouth,

- the same as we do.
- Oh, Donald.

But the first time
two of them tried it,

their lips were wet,
and they froze together.

All right.

And their friends pulled
and pulled and pulled,

but couldn't get them apart,

and their lips and their cheeks

stretched and stretched,

but they wouldn't separate.

You are unbelievable.

So they just left them there,

frozen stiff, just like that.

And now, every once in a while,

they turn them upside-down

and rent them out
to a sign company

as a "U."

That is the worst
thing you've ever said.

In all the years,

that's the worst thing
you have ever said.

You're right. I'm going
to turn up the heat.

Honey, who else
is coming to dinner?

Well, Donald, I'm
glad you asked me that.

There's been something
I've been wanting to tell you.

Like who else is
coming to dinner?

Yes. Because I really
should tell you things.

I mean, ever since that
whole picketing thing,

I'm convinced now that
I should tell you things,

so here's a thing
I want to tell you.

- All right.
- [knock on door]

That's it. Someone's
at the door is the thing.

Well, I could have
figured that out myself

by the knocking on the door.

See? That's why I don't bother

telling you these things.

- [knocking]
- Why don't you get it?

I'll get it.

Don.

Mr. Adams.

Well, say "Happy Birthday."

- Happy Birthday.
- Happy Birthday.

Marvelous dinner,
Annie. Just wonderful.

- Thank you.
- Not at all.

And you, Don, you're a
mighty lucky young fella.

- You realize that?
- Thank you, sir.

Hmm? Ha, ha. Very,
very lucky, indeed.

Ha, ha. You realize
how unlucky you'd be

if you had to eat this
three times a day?

- Jonathan!
- Agnes.

Sir?

Come on, now, Don. Get with it.

You... You do read the
magazine, don't you?

Do you realize what
we've been served here

- is an anti-pollution dinner?
- Jonathan.

Huh? Isn't that right, Annie?

What's he talking about?

Well, Donald, he's
talking about the magazine.

You read the magazine,
don't you? News View?

Ann.

Don, Ann didn't tell
us it was your birthday

just to get me and the missus
over here socially, you know.

Now, I realize

the anti-pollution
women of America

have a big campaign going on,

and one of their gimmicks

is to ask polluters
to dinner, you know?

And then they
serve them leftovers.

Ah, yes. Yes, and
another ploy they use

is to turn the heat way
down in the apartment,

as it is now,

so these alleged
polluters will become aware

of the hazards of
pollution. Am I right, Ann?

Well, you're half-right.

[chuckling] You're improving.

Aggie.

Well, you see, sir, I
also wanted to show you

that if people know
that problems exist,

they'd do something about them.

I mean our whole
organization came about

because we were made aware
by that article in your magazine.

It's hanging over
Diane Gordon's desk.

Is it?

Yes, sir. And, you
see, now we're aware,

but we have to make
other people aware,

and you've got the
power to alert them, sir,

through your magazine.

I mean, through
a follow-up article

and then another article
and another article.

Look, Ann's right, Mr. Adams.

Look, I'm sorry.

I apologize for the
dinner and the evening

and any embarrassment,

but look, she's right.

We took a stand on something,

and then we backed away.

Look, let me just say this.

Don, boy, you'll say
nothing, absolutely nothing...

- Jonathan!
- Agnes!

You'll say nothing, boy.

I don't pay you to
say. I pay you to write.

Ha, ha.

And if I were you, young fellow,

I'd get down to that office

bright and early
tomorrow morning,

start punching out
a follow-up article

on the article you
already wrote on pollution.

And if you're fast enough
and it's good enough,

we just might be able

to get it into this
week's edition.

Oh, Mr. Adams, I could kiss you!

You certainly could.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Ah, well, now that the heavy

has suddenly and dramatically
turned into the good guy,

do you think I might be
entitled to ask a small favor?

Sure. Anything. What?

Can I take you all out
to a nice warm restaurant

for a decent meal?

Oh, Donald, this
is really fantastic.

I'm so proud of you.

Anybody who reads this

will be moved to do
something about pollution.

"Written by Donald Hollinger."

It should say,
"Inspired by Ann Marie."

By the way, my superintendent

ordered the furnace
fixed on his very own,

and the landlord didn't
say a word about it.

Honey, you are
tops in anti-pollution.

They ought to make you

this year's
anti-pollution poster girl.

Miss Smog.

No, no, no, something
a little more imaginative.

You know, like,
you and I could pose

as Uncle and Auntie Pollution.

You know, you could wear a shawl

and horn-rimmed glasses,
and have knitting needles,

and a bikini...
Auntie Pollution.

That's a terrible idea.

With my figure, I'd
look awful in a shawl.

How about just a
bikini and a face mask?

How about just a face mask?

How about lunch?

- I'll buy that.
- I certainly hope so.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!