That Girl (1966–1971): Season 5, Episode 21 - Stag Party - full transcript

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no"?

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- That's definitely a no-no.

- "No, no, no, no, no, no"...
- Shh!

I found the amount of shushes
a man gets from his wife

is directly proportionate to the
number of years they've been married.

- Jerry!
- Our first year of marriage,
not one shush did she make.

Today, after seven years,
it's like living with a librarian.

Donald, you are going
to eat at your stag party.

Ann, nobody eats those cakes.

Once all the girls come out of
them, they're all broken anyway.



They really do have girls coming
out of cakes at stag parties?

Are you kidding? Don,
remember my stag party?

Remember it? The only
reason I asked Ann to marry me

was to have a stag
party like yours.

You never told me about it.

Every time I've asked
you, you change the subject.

You know all about
it. You have to know.

The guys gave me four pieces
of luggage for our honeymoon.

Did I ever tell you
about our honeymoon?

Shh!

Again, shush.

- Shouldn't we get going?
- Hey, yeah.

Uh, Donald, you will, uh,

call me from there sometime?



Oh, Ann!

- Jerry!
- What?

- "What"?
- Shush?

- Right.
- Honey, if I can call you,
I'll call you.

Oh, no. Don't
bother. That's silly.

That was really
silly of me, Donald.

You go, and you have
a good time without me.

If you could, though, do
one thing, I'd appreciate it.

- What?
- Try and not have
such a good time without me.

Jerry, you're sure my father
knows where the restaurant is?

Yeah, sure. He's probably
there waiting for us already.

So long. See you
later. Bye-bye, shusher.

I'll call you first thing
in the morning. Bye-bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Have a good time. Live it up.

- I don't like it.
- What?

The stag party. I mean, I
know they always have them.

But I heard that at some of them, a
girl really does come out of the cake.

Ann, it's all in fun.

What could happen?
What could she do?

I don't know. I'd just feel
a lot more secure tonight

if I were... that girl.

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She spins a lot of dreams ♪

♪ She's everything that
every girl should be ♪

♪ Sable, popcorn, white wine ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!

- ♪♪ [piano]
- [chattering]

- [whistles]
- [men] Hey!

[all talking at once]

Don... Don... Hey, guys.

Hey, Donald, now,
listen, pal. I got to tell you.

This might be your last
wild party as a bachelor,

so be prepared for anything.

I think I can handle anything
you guys can dish out.

But listen, I'm just a little
worried about Ann's father.

Why is that? I mean,
what is that all about?

What is he, under 21?

Well, you know, he
and I aren't that friendly.

I don't even swear
in front of him.

Oh, well, then three
is a definite need

to bring you two together,
to make them closer.

Oh, yeah, you and your
father-in-law should be close friends.

- Bosom buddies.
- Absolutely.

This is going to be
some great night.

Is there somewhere in the plans for
the evening that I enjoy myself, too?

- No.
- Or maybe I'm just in the way.

[Man] Make way!
Come on! Hold it!

Hold it, hold it. Make
way, make way, make way.

- Hey, thanks.
- Here we go.

Our first toast of the
evening to our guest of honor.

- Who makes it, Maury?
- Oh, uh, Jerry.

Jerry Bauman, would you
make the toast, s'il vous plaît?

Oh, yeah. S'il vous plaît.
That's French for "with jelly."

Jerry, you want
to make the toast?

I'd like to propose
the first toast

to my old buddy, Don Hollinger.

- Hear! Hear!
- Thank you, dear.

To the last of the
great holdouts.

May he be granted total recall

so that he never forgets
what it was like to be free.

You don't know, Don. As soon
as you say, "I do," you're through.

You're pronounced
"man and chain."

Do you guys know what it's going to
cost us to get this one night out alone?

Just one night? We're going
to have to buy dinners out

for our wives for a week.

It's not that they resent
us leaving them alone.

They resent us having a
good time without them.

So enjoy yourself. You
have a few more weeks.

And just remember these four
great words that can still save your life:

"I changed my mind."

- Drink!
- Hey!

Oh, Donald, you've carried
me over the threshold.

Simply a Hollinger
family tradition, darling.

Oh, Donald, I love
it, and I love you.

- Where are you going?
- To get the luggage.

You're not going out.

But...

Here we are,
married only six hours,

and already you want
to go tramping around.

Ann, I don't call
12 inches tramping.

All right, fine. Go
on. Go right ahead.

But don't expect me to
be here when you get back.

Ann, I just want to reach out
that door and bring in the luggage.

I don't want that
luggage anymore.

- What are you talking about?
- It's old and used

and scratched, and I
just don't want it anymore.

It's one-week old.

Well, if you can afford to spend our
money running around every night,

I can have new luggage.

Every night.

All right. I'm not going out.

- Fine.
- You are.

What are you talking about?

Another great
Hollinger family tradition.

- Heeeeeelp!
- [Maury] Donald.

[men cheering]

[chattering]

- He's terrific, isn't he?
- He really is.

- That's great.
- Be terrific, too.

- Come on.
- Oh, no. Now, wait a minute.

Come on, Don. Don't
let the guys down.

Not only have they
gathered here on your behalf,

they've also chipped in a fortune for your
surprise gift at the end of the evening.

- Come on. Chugalug.
- [all chanting] Chugalug.

Chugalug. Chugalug.

Chugalug. Chugalug. Chugalug.

- Chugalug. Chugalug.
- All right, all right,
all right, all right, all right.

- To my friends.
- [men] Hey!

Chugalug. Chugalug.
Chugalug. Chugalug.

Chugalug. Chugalug. Chugalug.
Chugalug. Chugalug. Chugalug.

Chugalug. Chugalug.
Chugalug. Chugalug. Chugalug.

Chugalug. Chugalug. Chugalug.
Chugalug. Chugalug. Chugalug.

Chugalug. Chugalug.
Chugalug. Chugalug.

- Yeah!
- [men cheering]

I don't know whether getting
married is worth one of those.

You don't, eh?

Oh, uh, Mr. Marie, how are
you? I didn't know you were here.

Obviously.

Uh, certainly you
know I was just joking?

I certainly do.

Will somebody get the
father of the bride a beer?

Uh, somebody get
the old man a beer.

[laughter]

How long do those things last?

Jerry's lasted two full days.

Two full days!

Well, the party
lasted four hours.

The headache
lasted the other 44.

Oh.

I wonder what really
happens at those things.

We never really ever find out.

I think they only tell
us the parts they can

and don't mention the
parts we wouldn't like to hear.

Oh. What did he tell you?

He drank nonstop for four hours,

listened to insults
about me for four hours

and danced on the
table with some girls

who suddenly
appeared out of nowhere.

What?

Those are the parts he
thought you could hear?

Ruthie, what could possibly be
the parts he didn't want you to hear?

I don't know.

I only know I was just
glad to have him back,

even though he called
me Frieda for a week.

And she said, "Chop
a hole in the ceiling

and kiss your old
mother good-bye."

I love that joke. I could
tell that joke for a week.

- That's terrific!
- Truly a funny joke.

How you doing?

- Hiya.
- Hiya.

Is Don here yet?

Yeah. He's over there.

Oh, yeah. Hey,
you met his chick?

"His chick"?

Yeah, man. The
girl he's engaged to.

- You met her?
- Yes, I've met her.

Is she, uh, great?

She's lovely.

Who cares if she's
lovely? Is she great?

You know what I mean.
Great, where it counts.

Hey, Frankie, how you
doing? Come on over.

- You know what I mean, fella?
- Come on.

- Hey, Frankie, how you doing?
- Hey, good to see you.

- Good to be here.
- Having a good time, sir?

You have a very interesting
collection of friends, Hollinger.

- Is that right?
- Yes. Incidentally,
some of them are quite rude.

Well, Mr. Marie, maybe all of
them don't know you're Ann's father.

I should really introduce you.

No. If you don't mind, I enjoy
meeting them as they are.

Well, Look, Mr. Marie, the
guys don't mean any harm...

[stammering]

Hey, does everybody
want to quiet down here?

Now it's time for the second major
toast of the evening, before dinner.

If you want to fill up your
mugs over at the bar...

- [chattering]
- Hey, dinner, Mr. Marie!

How do you like that? I didn't know
they had prepared a whole dinner.

They couldn't have had
the dinner at my restaurant?

Well, they probably didn't know.

You couldn't have
mentioned it to them?

I wasn't supposed
to get involved.

You couldn't have made
up your mind to get involved?

You couldn't have
called to tell me to?

Hollinger, how much
have you had to drink?

Only one.

Here's your second!

Are you going to drink that?

Well, uh, Mr. Marie, I was really
going to try my very best, sir.

- But if you really want it...
- I don't want it.

Hey, Jerry, the toast.
You want to make it?

Yeah.

Guys, come around. Jerry's
going to make the toast for Donald.

- Second toast.
- Guys, guys.

Here's a toast to Don Hollinger.

May he have a happy
life as a husband.

And now let's talk seriously.

Hey, fellas, hold it.

Guys, we all know
what it's like to have kids.

Don, you are in for some of the
happiest moments of your life...

When your kids
get out of the house.

- Oh!
- Drink up, guys!

Hi, Daddy.

Oh, hello, beautiful
daughter with pigtails.

- Mommy home?
- No. She's still downtown,
shopping.

- For luggage again?
- Yes, dear.

Daddy, how come I
have such a funny name?

Oh, it's really not funny, Lew.

Well, I hate it.

Well, it was your mother's idea.

You see, her father
was named Lew.

Yes, I know.

You two never really
got along, did you?

Oh, now, I wouldn't say that.

We were closer at the end.

May he rest in peace.

Well, Mother thinks you
never really liked him.

I know. She said that
even after I was acquitted.

You know, Daddy, a lot of
people think I remind them of him.

Oh, I don't know. I guess so.

Is it the way I look?

I don't know.

Or the way I walk
or the things I do?

I really don't know, sweetheart.

In fact, sometimes you
remind me of him, too.

But it matters not.

It is late.

Good night, darling.

Good night, Hollinger.

[Lew] Hollinger.

Uh... Oh.

I-I-I'm sorry. I just had
a funny, silly thought.

About the, uh, honeymoon,
I'll bet, eh, Don boy?

I've had just about
enough from you.

Who is this old guy anyway?

Old, am I? Step
outside a minute,

and I'll show you
how old am I... I am.

Wait a minute,
Mr. Marie. Wait a minute.

All right. Come on.

Now, hold it, Frankie. Hold it.

You step outside with him,
I'm going to knock your block off.

This happens to be
my future father-in-law.

Oh. Well, he ought to
have a sense of humor.

- I'll show you
a sense of humor.
- Wait a minute.

Wait. The guys
don't mean any harm.

They don't, huh? As far as I'm concerned,
they don't mean any good, either,

and they're obviously
just right for you.

- Good night!
- Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- Wait a minute.
- No, no.

He was just ruining
the party anyway.

Let him go. Come on. Toast
number three, everybody.

- [all talking at once]
- Toast number three!

- [phone ringing]
- Hello?

- [slurred] Did I wake you?
- Oh, no. Hi!

Yes, I did. Yes, I
did. I woke you up.

Are you drinking?

I just... I've just had
a couple with the guys

for old times' sake, honey.

Honey, listen, I'm
sorry I woke you up.

You didn't wake me.

Look, honey, you're just
trying not to make me feel bad.

Uh, uh, to... to... to not...
Not to make me feel bad.

Uh, uh, uh, to feel me not bad.

Circle one of the above.

Oh, Donald.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I don't think I've
ever heard of a man

calling his fiancée
from his stag party.

Honey, listen, listen.

Honey, is your father there?

My father? I thought he
was going to your party.

He did... was.

He was here, honey, but he left.

How come?

Honey, one of the...
one of the guys...

I think one of the guys
said something to him

about you that he didn't like.

Oh, no, Donald.

I didn't mind it, though.

Oh, that's fine.

No, I mean, I didn't mind
the guy saying it to him.

I know that's what you mean.

No, no. [stammering]

Wait a minute, honey.
You don't follow me.

You don't follow me. You see,

the guy that said it to him...

When he said it
to him, he didn't...

He didn't know
it was your father

that he was saying
it to, so it was okay.

Why does that make it okay?

Honey, you're having a very
difficult time understanding this.

Have you been drinking?

No, I haven't been drinking.

What did he say, Donald?

He didn't say
anything. He just left.

No, I don't mean Daddy. I mean the
man who said something about me.

What's the difference?

Well, the difference
is I'd like to know

what terrible things
people say about me

that you don't mind them saying.

Honey, you're making a
mountain out of a malted.

Listen, go back to sleep, okay?

Go back to sleep.

[kissing] Kiss, kiss.

Good night, baby. Bye.

[chattering]

- Hey, Donnie!
- Hey!

[enthusiastic greetings]

Jerry.

Jerry... Jerry... Jerry, listen.

Mr. Marie isn't at Ann's.

Where could he have gone?

Could've gone home.

- Jerry, that's right.
- Hmm?

That's right. He's got
a home of his own.

He could've gone home.

- He could be at his home
of his own.
- Sure.

♪♪ [hums racetrack fanfare]

Hey, it's Old Maury
going... ♪♪ [humming]

Now it's time for
toast number four,

and the honor goes
to Herbie Robinson.

[cheering, whooping]

- A toast. Fill them up.
- Toast!

Fill them up. Here we go.

- Fill them up. Fill them up.
- Okay, gang.

Hey, hold it a minute. Don,
the guest of honor, can't...

- To the future groom!
- To the future groom!

- [cheering]
- Oh.

Ah, the future groom.
To the future groom.

♪♪ ["Wedding March"]

♪♪ [continues]

Hollinger, what
are you doing here?

Ann, go home.

♪♪ [ends]

Hey, what's the matter, pal?

Oh. Oh, Jerry.

[stammering]

I shouldn't have let
Mr. Marie go home.

Oh, forget about it, Don.

He should've had a
better sense of humor.

What do you mean,
a sense of humor?

Well, those boys
get to drinking,

and they can say
anything and not mean it.

Oh, I don't care
that they said it.

I don't even care
that Daddy heard it.

I just care that
Donald didn't mind it.

You don't even know what it was.

Well, it was bad enough to
make Daddy leave the party.

You know how
sensitive fathers are.

He probably didn't even stop
to think if it were true or not.

True? How could it be true?

Well, I don't know, Ann. I
don't even know what it was.

Ruthie, you know me.

What awful thing do I do,

or did I do, that someone
could say about me?

Ann, I don't know.

And maybe it wasn't
so awful to do it.

I mean, we're living
in a modern society.

Ruthie!

I... I want to go.

No, no. Don, now,
come on. Come on.

No, Jerry. I want to see Ann.

She's unhappiness...
Ha-ha-happinessless.

Ha... Ha... She's unhappy.

Well, what are you going
to do to make her happy?

Mumble on her?

Jerry, I'm going to... I'm
going to tell her that I love her.

She already knows you love her.

What... How... How
could she know that?

I mean, I've let people
go and insult her,

and her father hates me.

Don, look, don't
get crazy, will you?

- Crazy?
- Yeah.

- Jerry, listen.
- Huh?

Now, listen, that's the
trouble with being engaged.

What?

- If I wasn't engaged, - Yeah?

I wouldn't be here tonight,

and my engagement
wouldn't be in jeopardy.

It's too late. You are crazy.

Here it is!

- ♪♪ [piano fanfare]
- [cheering, whooping,
applauding, whistling]

No, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no! Not the
old "girl in the cake" bit.

No. That's it.

I'm definitely staying.

[laughter, applause]

Okay, here it is.

The bachelor party
cake. It's filled with sweets.

- Great! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- Sweets! Sweets! Sweets for the old groom!

Oh, yeah!

Now, for our friend Don,

a normal cake wouldn't
be good enough.

[shouts of agreement]

So we had a little something

special put in the recipe.

An extra added
ingredient, right?

Right!

Right! Added ingredient.

- Music, maestro.
- ♪♪ [piano, "The Stripper"]

Music, maestro!

[men whistling, whooping]

- Oh, boy!
- Whoa-ho!

- All right!
- Whoo!

[whooping continues, applause]

Here we come. Here we come.

Well, that's either
my future father-in-law

or the ugliest lady
in the whole world.

Look at that! Lew!

Mr. Marie!

That's terrific! That really is!

Oh ho ho!

And your father Lewie.

Lewie?

Lewie Marie. He's your father.

Yes, sweetheart, I know.

Honey, honey, he
was... he was terrific.

- H-Honey?
- What?

He staged that whole
make-believe fight

to fool me, and he f...

He fool had me s-sure... he...

Sure had you fooled.

He sure did.

See... See, honey...
Honey, he staged...

He staged that whole fight.

Just to fool you.

Hey.

You knew about it?

No. You told me about it.

Well, how could I...
How could I tell you?

I didn't even know
about it un-until they did it.

You just told me about it.

Well, of course.

Of course. I mean,

a future husband
doesn't keep secrets

from a future wife.

- That Lewie...
- Wha...

He... That Lewie,
he's all right.

He's all right.

A future wife. I love
the sound of that.

My future wife.

Let's never get married

so I can always say
you're my future wife.

Well, I think "wife" sounds
much nicer than "future wife."

Okay.

You can call me
your future wife.

Okay. Okay.

Honey, I think I'd
better have some coffee.

Oh, I think that's
a very good idea.

Hey.

You made that just for me?

You bet I did.

You're a terrific kid, Annie.

I mean it. You...
Aside from loving you,

you really are a terrific kid.

- Thank you.
- I mean that.

Thank you.

Even if I didn't love you,

I'd be crazy about
you as a human being.

Thank you, Donald.

- I really mean that.
- I know it.

- Do you understand that?
- Yes, I do.

I mean, I'm... I'm
some lucky guy.

Not only are you
a great future wife.

You're my best friend.

Oh, Donald.

Oh, that is so sweet.

That's the loveliest
thing you could have said.

If I wasn't marrying you...

I'd ask you to be my best man.

- You know what?
- What?

I'd do it.

Thanks, fella.

Ohh!

- Oh, I mean...
- I know, I know.

Oh, Donald, this is really
some terrific present.

Yeah, and the guys told me

your father gave
the most money for it.

I told you he really likes you.

Tell him, tell him.

Okay, now stand over
there by the fireplace.

Don't you want
to try it out first?

We'll try it on us.

If it doesn't work, we
can always afford the film.

Yeah, you're right.

Money's no object

when you've got a
rich future father-in-law.

If I'd known that sooner,

we would have
been married by now.

- Come on. Stand over there.
- Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Okay. Get in
real tight. That's it.

Here. Put this arm up like that.

That's it.

Wait a minute. Here.

Put that up there like that.

That's it. That's it.

Get real close. That's it.

When does it go off?

When I go back and set it.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!