That Girl (1966–1971): Season 5, Episode 20 - That King - full transcript
Late one evening, Ann receives a visit from the US State Department. Their emergency visit is because the visiting King of Kowali, a country with which the US wants to foster relations, saw Ann's appearance on a television commercial and wants to go on a date with her. Despite she and Donald already being engaged, Ann, with Donald's approval, decides to assist her country by going out with the single King. It isn't until the King and his staff come to pick Ann up that she learns that the King is only eleven years old and that he is not in lust with her but was amused by her on the commercial. But the King ends up being a spoiled brat who is used to getting everything he wants when he wants. That attitudes leads to a diplomatic situation between the US an Kowali based on an action by Ann. The King will accept nothing less than a full apology by Ann. Despite the State Department's view that Ann should do what the King asks, Ann's approach to the situation is to treat the King not as a King but an eleven year old boy who needs some adult guidance about what is right and wrong.
You know what?
I think the theme
of that play was
"Vampires are human, too."
I think the theme
of that play was
"There's a sucker
born every minute."
Say, that's interesting.
Ann, honey, it's not
interesting, it's funny.
I thought the play was so bad,
that we were suckers for going.
And vampires are suckers.
It was a little joke that
encompasses all of that.
And if I could buy back
the last three minutes of
this conversation, I would.
Oh, no, no, Donald.
That was funny.
That really was funny.
- Too late.
- [knocking]
It's 12:00. Who could that be?
Who could that be?
It's me, Albert Berg,
U.S. diplomatic corps.
U.S. diplomatic corps?
U.S. diplomatic corps?
[Albert] That's right, sir.
I wish to speak with
a Miss Ann Marie.
What could he want with me?
Uh, what could you want...
It's a matter of
federal importance.
May I please come in?
I'm... I'm sorry to
barge in at this late hour.
Actually, it wasn't
my idea to barge in.
I just do what I'm told,
and I was told to,
uh, barge in on you.
Oh, my kid.
Not in those terms, actually.
But very simply,
and in a manner that
can be understood,
my supervisor called me
just about 15 minutes ago.
He gave me your
name and your address.
And he said "Get over to
that address, right away!
Uncle Sam wants that girl."
♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪
♪ That Girl ♪
♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪
♪ Is That Girl ♪
♪ She spins a lot of dreams ♪
♪ She's everything that
every girl should be ♪
♪ Sable, popcorn, white wine ♪
♪ That Girl ♪
♪ Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway ♪
♪ Is That Girl ♪
♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪
♪ If you find a girl to love ♪
♪ Only one girl to love ♪
♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪
That Girl!
Um, what does the diplomatic
service want with Ann?
Well, believe it or
not, Mr. Hollinger,
we want to enlist her aid.
That darn women's
lib. They got me drafted.
Oh, no, no. You
haven't been drafted.
You see, I am here to ask you
to volunteer for a
diplomatic mission.
Oh.
Uh, could I see those
credentials again, please?
- Oh, sure.
- Yes, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Excuse us, please.
You think he's a phony?
These certainly look official.
Who's Joe DiMaggio?
He played for the
Yankees, center field.
Right.
I saw that movie, too.
That's how they found
out the American soldier
was really a Japanese spy.
If they hadn't seen through that
ruse, it wouldn't have worked out.
Um, okay, Mr. Berg.
Here you are.
Why don't you sit down, sir,
and tell us what
this is all about?
Oh, thank you.
Well, to put this as
simply as possible,
tomorrow night,
our state department
is giving a dinner
for the heads of several
of our newer countries,
including Kawali.
The manganese
capital of the world.
Very true.
With which we have been hoping
to sign a trade agreement.
You're very knowledgeable.
Donald works for
News View magazine.
He knows all about
countries, and manganese,
and subscriptions and things.
Oh, well, then, you
probably know also
that the King of
Kawali is unmarried.
Uh, no, no. I didn't know that.
I didn't know that
either, until an hour ago
when my boss
called me and told me
that he wanted to take you
to dinner tomorrow night.
Your boss wants to take me
out to dinner tomorrow night?
Oh, no, no, no,
the King of Kawali
wants to take you to dinner.
Oh.
The King of Kawali
wants to take me?
Me, he wants to take?
The cow of Kingwali?
Uh, King of Kawali.
Wants to take
me? You're kidding.
You're not kidding.
Are you kidding?
Donald, is he kidding?
He knew who Joe DiMaggio was.
You're not kidding.
No, I'm not.
Well, somebody's got
to be... Jerry Bauman.
Jerry Bauman, he
loves a practical joke.
He's my neighbor,
and I'll bet he called you
and said that he's
your boss, and...
Uh, honey... Well, Donald,
why would the King of
Kawali want to take me out?
He's never met me. I
don't even know who he is.
I don't know any Kawalians.
Kawalines.
See? That proves it.
In the week that the
King has been here,
He has seen you several
times on some commercial,
in which you are
the Duchess Ducky
of Diet Soda Land.
Oh, yes, that's right.
Well, evidently, you
have captured his eye.
I understand
you're single, and...
Hold it, hold it,
hold it. Just hold it.
If you want to talk about
the King and his manganese
taking Ann Marie to
dinner, that's one thing.
But if you're going to get into
"eye capturing" and "single,"
that's another.
Donald is right,
Mr. Berg. We're engaged.
Oh, I'm sorry.
The "eye catching"
and "single" mentioned
was purely my own conjecture.
I actually was only advised
that he would like
to take you to dinner,
and he would be
honored to escort you.
Oh, oh, yeah. Right, right.
He wants her to
join him for dinner,
and he will pick her up.
That's not like a date,
where he would pick her up,
and she would
join him for dinner.
Oh, no.
Listen, Mr. Berg,
I still find this whole
thing impossible to believe.
Oh, please, believe me.
It is true, every word of it.
Our relations with Kawali
must be in an awful lot of
trouble if the state department
is going into the
blind date business.
To put it simply, you're right.
That's putting it
simply, Donald.
Do I have to give you
my answer right now?
Oh, you just think it over,
and you can tell
me in the morning.
Listen, if I do decide to do it,
do I get a free government
pass into movies
or something like that?
No, never mind. That was silly.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Oh, and once last chance
to apologize again for
the lateness of the hour.
Oh, no, listen.
It's not your fault.
It would be just as late
even if you hadn't come over.
Very true.
Yes. Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Donald, this is
just like a movie.
Yeah, yeah.
Annie and the King of Kawali.
[giggling] Yeah.
Annie and the King of Kawali.
Oh, Donald, I
just can't believe it.
I mean, this is so exc...
This is the most exciting thing
that's ever happened to me.
A King!
And all from that
silly commercial.
- See? I was right.
- About what?
The Duchess Ducky
costume... I told you
it was the sexiest
outfit you ever had on,
and you told me I was crazy.
But, you see, a girl
can't judge if a girl is sexy.
Only men can, like me.
And the King of Kawali.
You know, Donald,
this is really a kind
of an honor, too.
Yeah, well, sure, sure,
it's not every duchess
that has a chance
to become a princess,
even if it is only
for one night.
Oh, Donald, I'm so excited.
I just can't believe
how excited I am.
I mean, I really feel
silly I'm so excited.
Oh, Donald.
I'm sorry.
For what?
Well, I mean,
getting all this way
about being
invited out by a king.
[chuckling] Oh,
honey, honey, look.
Don't be sorry. It's natural.
You should be excited.
And you should
accept his invitation.
Well, after all, we are engaged,
and it is a date
with another man.
Oh, honey.
He was right. It's
not a date, it's...
It's like an assignment, a
request from your country.
Well, I was just thinking
how I'd feel if the
positions were reversed,
and you had to go out.
Well, I'd have to decide
if he were my type.
Oh, Donald.
You really don't feel
funny about it at all?
I mean, you're
not at all jealous?
Of course not,
honey. Of course not.
I'm a mature adult,
above petty jealousies,
who has complete trust in you,
who wants you to share
every great experience
life has to offer.
And who is going
to make a fortune
when he writes up
your date with the King
for his magazine.
You see, I am coming along, too.
[both laughing]
Yes, I am.
Almost finished?
Yeah, just about.
Say, where's Ann?
I thought she was
meeting us here for lunch.
Uh, she'll be here any minute.
Good. It's not every day
I get a chance to eat
with a potential queen.
What are you talking about?
Well, he is a king, and
if she appeals to him...
[chuckling] you
know what I mean?
He'll notice she has a
ring on her third finger.
Well, what does a ring on
her third finger mean to a king?
He'll buy her an extra thumb,
so it'll be on
her fourth finger.
[knocking]
- Hi.
- Hi, honey.
I'm sorry I'm late.
My eyes are dazzled
by your brilliance,
Your Highness.
How beneficent of
you to grant us access
to your royal table for din-din.
Oh. Come on, Donald.
I've only got 45 minutes to eat.
What happens then?
You turn into a pumpkin?
No, I've got to get
back to my apartment.
Mr. Berg is bringing over
the jewels I'm going
to wear tonight.
[Ann gasps]
How much are they
worth, Mr. Berg?
$75,000, according
to their latest appraisal.
Oh, my gosh.
I'd be afraid to wear such
an expensive necklace.
What if she loses it?
It's covered by a
government insurance policy.
You know, my engagement ring
looks like the pit
from this necklace.
Sorry, Donald.
Uh, Miss Marie, these jewels
are put away for such occasions.
We want you to
look a, uh, princess.
It's just that I've never
worn a piece of jewelry
whose insurance premiums
are worth more than I am.
Uh, excuse me, sir, but, um,
does the King have a brother?
No, not to my knowledge.
Now, which of these tiaras
would you like for tonight?
[gasping]
You mean I get
to wear those, too?
Just one of them.
They're each worth
about $40,000.
$40,000, I could
buy a new freezer.
Well, I think I like
this one better.
That's very interesting,
because that's the one
that's worth $42,000.
The other one is
only worth $38,000.
Oh, well, cheap is cheap.
Ann, it's just like Grace
Kelly and Prince Rainier.
I know. She was an actress, too.
Well, that's exactly
what I mean.
And he was... he
was only a prince.
You have a full king.
Isn't that unbelievable, Ruthie?
I mean, kings are people
you read about and hear about.
You never even meet them,
let alone go out with them.
Cinderella.
[chuckling] You're right.
I wonder if I've
got the right shoes.
Ann, you have plenty of shoes.
What am I going to wear tonight?
Where are you going?
Oh, well, I thought Jerry and I
might come over to meet him.
But, of course, if you
don't think it's right...
I mean, if you think it's wrong,
then we wouldn't want to.
Well, I mean, if it's not
the custom of your country.
Oh, Ruthie.
[Ann] I'll just be a second.
You'd better hurry, honey.
King somebody will
be here any minute.
[Ann] Oh, my gosh, that's right.
I'm going out with somebody,
and I don't even know his name.
Donald.
How do I look?
Hey, honey, he'll
be here any second.
Don't you think you
ought to get dressed?
Donald.
[knocking]
Oh, Donald.
Donald.
- [knocking]
- Okay, okay. All right.
Take it easy. Take it
easy. Come on. Come on.
Yeah, uh, oh, wait a minute.
Honey, you don't
have... come on.
You don't have to do that.
Wait, wait, will you wait?
Now wait one second.
Wait, wait. All right.
Okay, all right.
All right, Donald.
Open the door.
Hurt your back?
- Ann, you look stunning.
- Do I?
Ravishing is a better word.
Why, really? What
about the jewels?
Do they look as good on
me as they did in the box?
- Better.
- They could fool anyone.
[Ruthie] Oh, quiet.
Thanks for letting us
come over to meet him.
I wish you could come along.
Me too.
I still haven't told her
I'm secretly the
king of Lithuania.
- [Ruthie] Oh, Jerry.
- [knocking]
It's him. That's him.
Okay. Wait, wait.
Donald, wait a minute.
Let me just get ready.
All right, now,
just act natural.
Relax. Smile. All right, Donald.
Uh, good evening, everybody.
His Royal Excellency,
the King of Kawali.
Good evening.
Uh, I'm, uh,
I'm very pleased to
meet you, Your Highness.
I, uh, I would like
to present my fiancé,
Mr. Donald Hollinger
of 73rd street.
Uh, how do you do?
Very well, thank
you, Mr. Hollinger.
This is the King's
personal bodyguard
and his secretary of government.
How do you do?
If you will present your
friends to me, madam,
I shall be very pleased
to present them to His Highness.
Oh, fine, uh,
this is Mr. and Mrs.
Gerald Bauman.
Your Highness, Mr. and
Mrs. Gerald Bauman.
Good evening, Mr. and
Mrs. Gerald Bauman.
- G-Good evening.
- Shh.
But he said...
No, maybe we're
not supposed to...
It's quite all right, really.
Oh.
Hi!
That's an expression
we use in this country.
It means "Hello."
Well, bye. Nice to see you.
- Bye, Jerry.
- Have a fun time.
[Donald clears throat]
Miss Marie, might
I ask a favor of you
so early in our acquaintance?
Oh, of course, Your
Honor... Highness.
Could you talk in duck for me?
I-I beg your pardon?
That's it.
It wasn't the costume
in the commercial,
it was the ducky voice he liked.
I found it and Miss
Marie entirely amusing.
Would you do it for me?
Yes, I'd be very happy to.
To stay within
your low-fat quota,
drink Duchess Ducky Diet Soda.
Oh, superb. Just marvelous.
Thank you. I'm
glad you liked it.
It is time for us to go to
the embassy, Your Majesty.
You dare to interrupt?
I shall wait for you
in the limousine.
Oh, fine.
I-I'm sorry. I
honestly had no idea.
But you realize
that you can't be forced
to go through with this.
But I can't tell you
what it might do
to the public and diplomatic
relationship with the King
if we stood him
up at this point.
Don't worry, Mr. Berg.
I'm very happy
to go along with it.
Oh, very well.
Oh, Donald, you'll be in
the car right behind us.
Yeah, honey, I'll
be right behind you.
Oh, Mr. Berg,
in light of these
new developments,
I do think we should
discuss money.
What money?
Well, I usually
get $1.50 an hour
for babysitting.
Two corned beef on
rye, one roast beef open,
and a chopped liver.
Is, uh, your bodyguard
calling the embassy?
Yes. He will explain
our brief delay.
You... You really
think it's a good idea
to have a hot dog before
dinner, Your Majesty?
Miss Marie, I realize
that you are not familiar
with the ways of my country.
But no one, no
one, questions me.
Shall we sit?
Uh, well, there doesn't
seem to be a table right now.
We'll have to wait.
Wait? I wait for no one.
Well, there doesn't
seem to be a table...
You there. Come here.
Just a minute, I'm busy.
You will come here, now!
Your Majesty, we don't
talk to people like that here.
Miss Marie, please
do not interrupt
when I address the servants.
What have we got
here? Trick and Treat?
I am the King of Kawali.
How do you do? I'm
the prince of pastrami.
I demand a seat, immediately.
You'll wait like everybody else,
and I'll call you
when I have a table
for you and your mother.
Your Highness,
you really don't
have to blow on it.
A milkshake already comes cold.
I'm trying to find my cherry.
It fell into the whipped cream.
Oh.
Well, why don't you try
fishing it out with a spoon?
Because if I put a
spoon into the glass,
the ice cream will
flow over the sides.
Oh, well, why don't you try
sipping it down with a straw?
Then you can fish
it out with a spoon.
Oh. Okay.
[sighing]
Now what's wrong?
The cherry is
clogging the straw.
Oh, well, why don't you
just move the straw over?
I've had enough of this.
Waiter! Waiter!
Please, please, Your Majesty.
[whispering] Please
lower your voice.
Waiter!
Your Majesty, please,
let's not have a scene.
Miss Marie, I cannot
tolerate insubordination
from any servant of any class,
whether it be a
waiter or an actress.
Now just a minute.
There are no classes in America,
Your Majesty.
What's all the commotion?
I demand a new
milkshake with a cherry in it
that doesn't sink to
the bottom like lead.
Aww, his cherry
sank to the bottom.
I'll get you a new cherry.
I don't want another cherry,
I want a whole new milkshake.
What am I going to do
with this one? Throw it out?
What you do with it
after you take it away
is of no concern to me.
Either you take a new
cherry, or you get nothing.
Are you refusing me, a king?
No. I'm refusing
you a milkshake.
[laughing]
Oh, Donald, will you stop it?
It is not funny. It
is not one bit funny.
Oh, honey, it is.
Look at that brat.
And the caption is classic.
"Young king has cool head."
What do you think
is going to happen?
Nothing's going to happen.
Well, something's
going to happen, Donald.
Why did Mr. Berg call and say
he'd be right over this morning?
Because the diplomatic corps
making a parfait out
of the King of Kawali
is a big deal.
Boy, some diplomatic
assistant I turned out to be.
Give me enough time, I
could've single-handedly
alienated Canada, Mexico,
and the Virgin Islands.
The Virgin Islands are
a part of this country.
Give me an extra week,
I can lose them and New Jersey.
[knocking]
Who is it?
It's me, Albert Berg.
Oh. Come in.
Are you alone, or did
you bring the firing squad?
No, no, I'm the firing squad.
And on behalf of all of us
in the diplomatic department,
you're fired.
Washington is a little upset?
Well, let me put it this way.
Oh, yes!
What's going to happen?
Well, that's entirely up to you.
What does that mean?
Well, the government
immediately wrote
a letter of apology to the King.
- Oh.
- Just a minute.
Did you put the blame
on Ann in that note?
Oh, no, no, we put the blame
on the circumstances,
not on Ann.
But the King refuses
to accept our apology.
He wants a direct
apology from Ann.
He won't accept an
apology from the government,
but he'll accept one from me?
That's correct.
Oh, well, fine.
Honey, you don't have
any reason to apologize.
Oh, Donald, yes, I do.
I honestly am sorry that I
poured ice cream on him.
I mean, after all, I should've
used my intelligence.
He's a child, I should've
reasoned with him.
You can tell them honestly
that I really am sorry.
Not enough. It is not enough.
We will only accept
a complete apology
when Miss Marie admits
that she was the
cause of the incident,
that she struck
the King in anger,
and had no justifiable reason.
Out of the question.
Donald, may I just
speak to you for a minute?
Excuse us.
Donald, the only reason
I decided to go out with
the King in the first place
was to do something
good for my country.
Well, so far, I haven't
accomplished that.
I think you have.
The kid needed ice
cream thrown on him,
and you did it perfectly.
- Donald...
- Excuse me.
Let me make this
perfectly clear.
We are not demanding that
you give him what he wants.
But if you do, that would make
matters much more simple.
But if you don't,
we will not involve
you any further.
Excuse me.
Sir, could you please arrange
for me to speak to the
King alone for a minute?
Anything you have
to say to His Majesty
you may say to me.
Well, that really
isn't necessarily true.
Could you please just ask him?
I will speak with her.
Excuse us.
So, you are king.
Yes, I am.
Well, then, King,
tell me who you think
deserves an apology,
because if you are to rule,
you must rule with
honesty and intelligence.
And you, above all, must
know who deserves an apology.
Always.
The one who was wronged.
Definitely.
I definitely agree.
Now tell me who you think
was wronged last night?
You struck me.
I didn't strike you.
I was wronged.
Yes, you were.
I was?
Yes. You were.
And you're right.
I am? Really?
Mmm-hmm.
But tell me who else
was wronged first?
Only I was wronged.
Your Majesty,
you were wrong,
as well, to the waiter.
You were insulting and offensive
to a man old enough
to be your grandfather.
But in my country,
servants are all...
This is not your
country, Your Majesty.
You have to understand that.
No!
He was a meaningless
person, below my class.
And I am not wrong.
You really ought to
be ashamed of yourself.
You have no right
to call yourself a king.
You're not fair,
you're not honest.
I wouldn't even want
you to be my friend.
I don't want you
to be my friend.
Fine, that's just fine.
You're mean.
I am?
Yes. You're mean, and
you're picking on me,
and you're yelling at
me, and I'm only 11.
Well, now, there you go.
I think the very first
sign of being a great,
and a wise, and a sage old king
is being able to admit
you're 11 years old.
Are these matters
always this complicated?
Not quite, Miss Marie.
Diplomatic apologies
raised between diplomats
are always more formal
than those raised between
a king and an actress.
Though, possibly, not as fair.
Shall we?
The apology from Ann
Marie to the King of Kawali.
The apology from
the King of Kawali
to Maurice Cohen, a waiter.
The apology is from Ann
Marie to the people of Kawali.
The apology from the Diplomatic
Corps of the United States
to the King of Kawali.
[gasp] Here's Kawali.
Good grief. It's tiny.
That's why they
have a small king.
The big countries
have huge kings.
Oh, Donald.
Now come on.
Let's write the letter.
What should we
write to the King?
Well, I think you
should write him a note
thanking him for his invitation
for us to spend our
honeymoon there
and accepting.
You really think
we should go there?
Why not? They have great
honeymoon rules in Kawali.
I looked it up in
the encyclopedia.
- Honeymoon rules?
- Yeah.
What honeymoon rules?
Well, it's just a
tradition of the country
that you follow in
order not to offend them.
Oh. Well, what is it?
Well, the honeymoon must
last seven days at least.
Well, we have two
weeks, don't we?
- Right.
- Oh, well, that's easy enough.
The first three days of
which the husband and wife
are totally separated
from each other
- What?
- Both are placed
in a totally relaxed environment
in order to contemplate
their future life together.
- But, Donald...
- Which is really not so terrible.
The husband is
fed and entertained
by 20 of the most beautiful
concubines in the King's harem,
and the wife is
equally entertained
by an organ grinder
and his monkey.
Now, the dining habits
are also interesting.
All right, knock it off.
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪
♪ That Girl ♪
♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪
♪ Is That Girl ♪
♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪
♪ If you find a girl to love ♪
♪ Only one girl to love ♪
♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪
♪ That Girl ♪
I think the theme
of that play was
"Vampires are human, too."
I think the theme
of that play was
"There's a sucker
born every minute."
Say, that's interesting.
Ann, honey, it's not
interesting, it's funny.
I thought the play was so bad,
that we were suckers for going.
And vampires are suckers.
It was a little joke that
encompasses all of that.
And if I could buy back
the last three minutes of
this conversation, I would.
Oh, no, no, Donald.
That was funny.
That really was funny.
- Too late.
- [knocking]
It's 12:00. Who could that be?
Who could that be?
It's me, Albert Berg,
U.S. diplomatic corps.
U.S. diplomatic corps?
U.S. diplomatic corps?
[Albert] That's right, sir.
I wish to speak with
a Miss Ann Marie.
What could he want with me?
Uh, what could you want...
It's a matter of
federal importance.
May I please come in?
I'm... I'm sorry to
barge in at this late hour.
Actually, it wasn't
my idea to barge in.
I just do what I'm told,
and I was told to,
uh, barge in on you.
Oh, my kid.
Not in those terms, actually.
But very simply,
and in a manner that
can be understood,
my supervisor called me
just about 15 minutes ago.
He gave me your
name and your address.
And he said "Get over to
that address, right away!
Uncle Sam wants that girl."
♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪
♪ That Girl ♪
♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪
♪ Is That Girl ♪
♪ She spins a lot of dreams ♪
♪ She's everything that
every girl should be ♪
♪ Sable, popcorn, white wine ♪
♪ That Girl ♪
♪ Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway ♪
♪ Is That Girl ♪
♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪
♪ If you find a girl to love ♪
♪ Only one girl to love ♪
♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪
That Girl!
Um, what does the diplomatic
service want with Ann?
Well, believe it or
not, Mr. Hollinger,
we want to enlist her aid.
That darn women's
lib. They got me drafted.
Oh, no, no. You
haven't been drafted.
You see, I am here to ask you
to volunteer for a
diplomatic mission.
Oh.
Uh, could I see those
credentials again, please?
- Oh, sure.
- Yes, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Excuse us, please.
You think he's a phony?
These certainly look official.
Who's Joe DiMaggio?
He played for the
Yankees, center field.
Right.
I saw that movie, too.
That's how they found
out the American soldier
was really a Japanese spy.
If they hadn't seen through that
ruse, it wouldn't have worked out.
Um, okay, Mr. Berg.
Here you are.
Why don't you sit down, sir,
and tell us what
this is all about?
Oh, thank you.
Well, to put this as
simply as possible,
tomorrow night,
our state department
is giving a dinner
for the heads of several
of our newer countries,
including Kawali.
The manganese
capital of the world.
Very true.
With which we have been hoping
to sign a trade agreement.
You're very knowledgeable.
Donald works for
News View magazine.
He knows all about
countries, and manganese,
and subscriptions and things.
Oh, well, then, you
probably know also
that the King of
Kawali is unmarried.
Uh, no, no. I didn't know that.
I didn't know that
either, until an hour ago
when my boss
called me and told me
that he wanted to take you
to dinner tomorrow night.
Your boss wants to take me
out to dinner tomorrow night?
Oh, no, no, no,
the King of Kawali
wants to take you to dinner.
Oh.
The King of Kawali
wants to take me?
Me, he wants to take?
The cow of Kingwali?
Uh, King of Kawali.
Wants to take
me? You're kidding.
You're not kidding.
Are you kidding?
Donald, is he kidding?
He knew who Joe DiMaggio was.
You're not kidding.
No, I'm not.
Well, somebody's got
to be... Jerry Bauman.
Jerry Bauman, he
loves a practical joke.
He's my neighbor,
and I'll bet he called you
and said that he's
your boss, and...
Uh, honey... Well, Donald,
why would the King of
Kawali want to take me out?
He's never met me. I
don't even know who he is.
I don't know any Kawalians.
Kawalines.
See? That proves it.
In the week that the
King has been here,
He has seen you several
times on some commercial,
in which you are
the Duchess Ducky
of Diet Soda Land.
Oh, yes, that's right.
Well, evidently, you
have captured his eye.
I understand
you're single, and...
Hold it, hold it,
hold it. Just hold it.
If you want to talk about
the King and his manganese
taking Ann Marie to
dinner, that's one thing.
But if you're going to get into
"eye capturing" and "single,"
that's another.
Donald is right,
Mr. Berg. We're engaged.
Oh, I'm sorry.
The "eye catching"
and "single" mentioned
was purely my own conjecture.
I actually was only advised
that he would like
to take you to dinner,
and he would be
honored to escort you.
Oh, oh, yeah. Right, right.
He wants her to
join him for dinner,
and he will pick her up.
That's not like a date,
where he would pick her up,
and she would
join him for dinner.
Oh, no.
Listen, Mr. Berg,
I still find this whole
thing impossible to believe.
Oh, please, believe me.
It is true, every word of it.
Our relations with Kawali
must be in an awful lot of
trouble if the state department
is going into the
blind date business.
To put it simply, you're right.
That's putting it
simply, Donald.
Do I have to give you
my answer right now?
Oh, you just think it over,
and you can tell
me in the morning.
Listen, if I do decide to do it,
do I get a free government
pass into movies
or something like that?
No, never mind. That was silly.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Oh, and once last chance
to apologize again for
the lateness of the hour.
Oh, no, listen.
It's not your fault.
It would be just as late
even if you hadn't come over.
Very true.
Yes. Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Donald, this is
just like a movie.
Yeah, yeah.
Annie and the King of Kawali.
[giggling] Yeah.
Annie and the King of Kawali.
Oh, Donald, I
just can't believe it.
I mean, this is so exc...
This is the most exciting thing
that's ever happened to me.
A King!
And all from that
silly commercial.
- See? I was right.
- About what?
The Duchess Ducky
costume... I told you
it was the sexiest
outfit you ever had on,
and you told me I was crazy.
But, you see, a girl
can't judge if a girl is sexy.
Only men can, like me.
And the King of Kawali.
You know, Donald,
this is really a kind
of an honor, too.
Yeah, well, sure, sure,
it's not every duchess
that has a chance
to become a princess,
even if it is only
for one night.
Oh, Donald, I'm so excited.
I just can't believe
how excited I am.
I mean, I really feel
silly I'm so excited.
Oh, Donald.
I'm sorry.
For what?
Well, I mean,
getting all this way
about being
invited out by a king.
[chuckling] Oh,
honey, honey, look.
Don't be sorry. It's natural.
You should be excited.
And you should
accept his invitation.
Well, after all, we are engaged,
and it is a date
with another man.
Oh, honey.
He was right. It's
not a date, it's...
It's like an assignment, a
request from your country.
Well, I was just thinking
how I'd feel if the
positions were reversed,
and you had to go out.
Well, I'd have to decide
if he were my type.
Oh, Donald.
You really don't feel
funny about it at all?
I mean, you're
not at all jealous?
Of course not,
honey. Of course not.
I'm a mature adult,
above petty jealousies,
who has complete trust in you,
who wants you to share
every great experience
life has to offer.
And who is going
to make a fortune
when he writes up
your date with the King
for his magazine.
You see, I am coming along, too.
[both laughing]
Yes, I am.
Almost finished?
Yeah, just about.
Say, where's Ann?
I thought she was
meeting us here for lunch.
Uh, she'll be here any minute.
Good. It's not every day
I get a chance to eat
with a potential queen.
What are you talking about?
Well, he is a king, and
if she appeals to him...
[chuckling] you
know what I mean?
He'll notice she has a
ring on her third finger.
Well, what does a ring on
her third finger mean to a king?
He'll buy her an extra thumb,
so it'll be on
her fourth finger.
[knocking]
- Hi.
- Hi, honey.
I'm sorry I'm late.
My eyes are dazzled
by your brilliance,
Your Highness.
How beneficent of
you to grant us access
to your royal table for din-din.
Oh. Come on, Donald.
I've only got 45 minutes to eat.
What happens then?
You turn into a pumpkin?
No, I've got to get
back to my apartment.
Mr. Berg is bringing over
the jewels I'm going
to wear tonight.
[Ann gasps]
How much are they
worth, Mr. Berg?
$75,000, according
to their latest appraisal.
Oh, my gosh.
I'd be afraid to wear such
an expensive necklace.
What if she loses it?
It's covered by a
government insurance policy.
You know, my engagement ring
looks like the pit
from this necklace.
Sorry, Donald.
Uh, Miss Marie, these jewels
are put away for such occasions.
We want you to
look a, uh, princess.
It's just that I've never
worn a piece of jewelry
whose insurance premiums
are worth more than I am.
Uh, excuse me, sir, but, um,
does the King have a brother?
No, not to my knowledge.
Now, which of these tiaras
would you like for tonight?
[gasping]
You mean I get
to wear those, too?
Just one of them.
They're each worth
about $40,000.
$40,000, I could
buy a new freezer.
Well, I think I like
this one better.
That's very interesting,
because that's the one
that's worth $42,000.
The other one is
only worth $38,000.
Oh, well, cheap is cheap.
Ann, it's just like Grace
Kelly and Prince Rainier.
I know. She was an actress, too.
Well, that's exactly
what I mean.
And he was... he
was only a prince.
You have a full king.
Isn't that unbelievable, Ruthie?
I mean, kings are people
you read about and hear about.
You never even meet them,
let alone go out with them.
Cinderella.
[chuckling] You're right.
I wonder if I've
got the right shoes.
Ann, you have plenty of shoes.
What am I going to wear tonight?
Where are you going?
Oh, well, I thought Jerry and I
might come over to meet him.
But, of course, if you
don't think it's right...
I mean, if you think it's wrong,
then we wouldn't want to.
Well, I mean, if it's not
the custom of your country.
Oh, Ruthie.
[Ann] I'll just be a second.
You'd better hurry, honey.
King somebody will
be here any minute.
[Ann] Oh, my gosh, that's right.
I'm going out with somebody,
and I don't even know his name.
Donald.
How do I look?
Hey, honey, he'll
be here any second.
Don't you think you
ought to get dressed?
Donald.
[knocking]
Oh, Donald.
Donald.
- [knocking]
- Okay, okay. All right.
Take it easy. Take it
easy. Come on. Come on.
Yeah, uh, oh, wait a minute.
Honey, you don't
have... come on.
You don't have to do that.
Wait, wait, will you wait?
Now wait one second.
Wait, wait. All right.
Okay, all right.
All right, Donald.
Open the door.
Hurt your back?
- Ann, you look stunning.
- Do I?
Ravishing is a better word.
Why, really? What
about the jewels?
Do they look as good on
me as they did in the box?
- Better.
- They could fool anyone.
[Ruthie] Oh, quiet.
Thanks for letting us
come over to meet him.
I wish you could come along.
Me too.
I still haven't told her
I'm secretly the
king of Lithuania.
- [Ruthie] Oh, Jerry.
- [knocking]
It's him. That's him.
Okay. Wait, wait.
Donald, wait a minute.
Let me just get ready.
All right, now,
just act natural.
Relax. Smile. All right, Donald.
Uh, good evening, everybody.
His Royal Excellency,
the King of Kawali.
Good evening.
Uh, I'm, uh,
I'm very pleased to
meet you, Your Highness.
I, uh, I would like
to present my fiancé,
Mr. Donald Hollinger
of 73rd street.
Uh, how do you do?
Very well, thank
you, Mr. Hollinger.
This is the King's
personal bodyguard
and his secretary of government.
How do you do?
If you will present your
friends to me, madam,
I shall be very pleased
to present them to His Highness.
Oh, fine, uh,
this is Mr. and Mrs.
Gerald Bauman.
Your Highness, Mr. and
Mrs. Gerald Bauman.
Good evening, Mr. and
Mrs. Gerald Bauman.
- G-Good evening.
- Shh.
But he said...
No, maybe we're
not supposed to...
It's quite all right, really.
Oh.
Hi!
That's an expression
we use in this country.
It means "Hello."
Well, bye. Nice to see you.
- Bye, Jerry.
- Have a fun time.
[Donald clears throat]
Miss Marie, might
I ask a favor of you
so early in our acquaintance?
Oh, of course, Your
Honor... Highness.
Could you talk in duck for me?
I-I beg your pardon?
That's it.
It wasn't the costume
in the commercial,
it was the ducky voice he liked.
I found it and Miss
Marie entirely amusing.
Would you do it for me?
Yes, I'd be very happy to.
To stay within
your low-fat quota,
drink Duchess Ducky Diet Soda.
Oh, superb. Just marvelous.
Thank you. I'm
glad you liked it.
It is time for us to go to
the embassy, Your Majesty.
You dare to interrupt?
I shall wait for you
in the limousine.
Oh, fine.
I-I'm sorry. I
honestly had no idea.
But you realize
that you can't be forced
to go through with this.
But I can't tell you
what it might do
to the public and diplomatic
relationship with the King
if we stood him
up at this point.
Don't worry, Mr. Berg.
I'm very happy
to go along with it.
Oh, very well.
Oh, Donald, you'll be in
the car right behind us.
Yeah, honey, I'll
be right behind you.
Oh, Mr. Berg,
in light of these
new developments,
I do think we should
discuss money.
What money?
Well, I usually
get $1.50 an hour
for babysitting.
Two corned beef on
rye, one roast beef open,
and a chopped liver.
Is, uh, your bodyguard
calling the embassy?
Yes. He will explain
our brief delay.
You... You really
think it's a good idea
to have a hot dog before
dinner, Your Majesty?
Miss Marie, I realize
that you are not familiar
with the ways of my country.
But no one, no
one, questions me.
Shall we sit?
Uh, well, there doesn't
seem to be a table right now.
We'll have to wait.
Wait? I wait for no one.
Well, there doesn't
seem to be a table...
You there. Come here.
Just a minute, I'm busy.
You will come here, now!
Your Majesty, we don't
talk to people like that here.
Miss Marie, please
do not interrupt
when I address the servants.
What have we got
here? Trick and Treat?
I am the King of Kawali.
How do you do? I'm
the prince of pastrami.
I demand a seat, immediately.
You'll wait like everybody else,
and I'll call you
when I have a table
for you and your mother.
Your Highness,
you really don't
have to blow on it.
A milkshake already comes cold.
I'm trying to find my cherry.
It fell into the whipped cream.
Oh.
Well, why don't you try
fishing it out with a spoon?
Because if I put a
spoon into the glass,
the ice cream will
flow over the sides.
Oh, well, why don't you try
sipping it down with a straw?
Then you can fish
it out with a spoon.
Oh. Okay.
[sighing]
Now what's wrong?
The cherry is
clogging the straw.
Oh, well, why don't you
just move the straw over?
I've had enough of this.
Waiter! Waiter!
Please, please, Your Majesty.
[whispering] Please
lower your voice.
Waiter!
Your Majesty, please,
let's not have a scene.
Miss Marie, I cannot
tolerate insubordination
from any servant of any class,
whether it be a
waiter or an actress.
Now just a minute.
There are no classes in America,
Your Majesty.
What's all the commotion?
I demand a new
milkshake with a cherry in it
that doesn't sink to
the bottom like lead.
Aww, his cherry
sank to the bottom.
I'll get you a new cherry.
I don't want another cherry,
I want a whole new milkshake.
What am I going to do
with this one? Throw it out?
What you do with it
after you take it away
is of no concern to me.
Either you take a new
cherry, or you get nothing.
Are you refusing me, a king?
No. I'm refusing
you a milkshake.
[laughing]
Oh, Donald, will you stop it?
It is not funny. It
is not one bit funny.
Oh, honey, it is.
Look at that brat.
And the caption is classic.
"Young king has cool head."
What do you think
is going to happen?
Nothing's going to happen.
Well, something's
going to happen, Donald.
Why did Mr. Berg call and say
he'd be right over this morning?
Because the diplomatic corps
making a parfait out
of the King of Kawali
is a big deal.
Boy, some diplomatic
assistant I turned out to be.
Give me enough time, I
could've single-handedly
alienated Canada, Mexico,
and the Virgin Islands.
The Virgin Islands are
a part of this country.
Give me an extra week,
I can lose them and New Jersey.
[knocking]
Who is it?
It's me, Albert Berg.
Oh. Come in.
Are you alone, or did
you bring the firing squad?
No, no, I'm the firing squad.
And on behalf of all of us
in the diplomatic department,
you're fired.
Washington is a little upset?
Well, let me put it this way.
Oh, yes!
What's going to happen?
Well, that's entirely up to you.
What does that mean?
Well, the government
immediately wrote
a letter of apology to the King.
- Oh.
- Just a minute.
Did you put the blame
on Ann in that note?
Oh, no, no, we put the blame
on the circumstances,
not on Ann.
But the King refuses
to accept our apology.
He wants a direct
apology from Ann.
He won't accept an
apology from the government,
but he'll accept one from me?
That's correct.
Oh, well, fine.
Honey, you don't have
any reason to apologize.
Oh, Donald, yes, I do.
I honestly am sorry that I
poured ice cream on him.
I mean, after all, I should've
used my intelligence.
He's a child, I should've
reasoned with him.
You can tell them honestly
that I really am sorry.
Not enough. It is not enough.
We will only accept
a complete apology
when Miss Marie admits
that she was the
cause of the incident,
that she struck
the King in anger,
and had no justifiable reason.
Out of the question.
Donald, may I just
speak to you for a minute?
Excuse us.
Donald, the only reason
I decided to go out with
the King in the first place
was to do something
good for my country.
Well, so far, I haven't
accomplished that.
I think you have.
The kid needed ice
cream thrown on him,
and you did it perfectly.
- Donald...
- Excuse me.
Let me make this
perfectly clear.
We are not demanding that
you give him what he wants.
But if you do, that would make
matters much more simple.
But if you don't,
we will not involve
you any further.
Excuse me.
Sir, could you please arrange
for me to speak to the
King alone for a minute?
Anything you have
to say to His Majesty
you may say to me.
Well, that really
isn't necessarily true.
Could you please just ask him?
I will speak with her.
Excuse us.
So, you are king.
Yes, I am.
Well, then, King,
tell me who you think
deserves an apology,
because if you are to rule,
you must rule with
honesty and intelligence.
And you, above all, must
know who deserves an apology.
Always.
The one who was wronged.
Definitely.
I definitely agree.
Now tell me who you think
was wronged last night?
You struck me.
I didn't strike you.
I was wronged.
Yes, you were.
I was?
Yes. You were.
And you're right.
I am? Really?
Mmm-hmm.
But tell me who else
was wronged first?
Only I was wronged.
Your Majesty,
you were wrong,
as well, to the waiter.
You were insulting and offensive
to a man old enough
to be your grandfather.
But in my country,
servants are all...
This is not your
country, Your Majesty.
You have to understand that.
No!
He was a meaningless
person, below my class.
And I am not wrong.
You really ought to
be ashamed of yourself.
You have no right
to call yourself a king.
You're not fair,
you're not honest.
I wouldn't even want
you to be my friend.
I don't want you
to be my friend.
Fine, that's just fine.
You're mean.
I am?
Yes. You're mean, and
you're picking on me,
and you're yelling at
me, and I'm only 11.
Well, now, there you go.
I think the very first
sign of being a great,
and a wise, and a sage old king
is being able to admit
you're 11 years old.
Are these matters
always this complicated?
Not quite, Miss Marie.
Diplomatic apologies
raised between diplomats
are always more formal
than those raised between
a king and an actress.
Though, possibly, not as fair.
Shall we?
The apology from Ann
Marie to the King of Kawali.
The apology from
the King of Kawali
to Maurice Cohen, a waiter.
The apology is from Ann
Marie to the people of Kawali.
The apology from the Diplomatic
Corps of the United States
to the King of Kawali.
[gasp] Here's Kawali.
Good grief. It's tiny.
That's why they
have a small king.
The big countries
have huge kings.
Oh, Donald.
Now come on.
Let's write the letter.
What should we
write to the King?
Well, I think you
should write him a note
thanking him for his invitation
for us to spend our
honeymoon there
and accepting.
You really think
we should go there?
Why not? They have great
honeymoon rules in Kawali.
I looked it up in
the encyclopedia.
- Honeymoon rules?
- Yeah.
What honeymoon rules?
Well, it's just a
tradition of the country
that you follow in
order not to offend them.
Oh. Well, what is it?
Well, the honeymoon must
last seven days at least.
Well, we have two
weeks, don't we?
- Right.
- Oh, well, that's easy enough.
The first three days of
which the husband and wife
are totally separated
from each other
- What?
- Both are placed
in a totally relaxed environment
in order to contemplate
their future life together.
- But, Donald...
- Which is really not so terrible.
The husband is
fed and entertained
by 20 of the most beautiful
concubines in the King's harem,
and the wife is
equally entertained
by an organ grinder
and his monkey.
Now, the dining habits
are also interesting.
All right, knock it off.
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪
♪ That Girl ♪
♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪
♪ Is That Girl ♪
♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪
♪ If you find a girl to love ♪
♪ Only one girl to love ♪
♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪
♪ That Girl ♪