That Girl (1966–1971): Season 4, Episode 26 - All's Well That Ends - full transcript
It's Ann's birthday. She's disappointed that Donald was not able to get the tickets to the impossible to get tickets for Broadway play, Among the Living, for tonight. As such, Ann suggests to her friend Janie Downs - who is generally housebound taking care of her one year old, Bobby - that she and Janie's husband Harry Downs join them for a birthday dinner out. When the one and only person Janie trusts to babysit can't do so, Ann suggests Plan C, which is for Janie and Harry to go out for dinner alone, while Ann takes care of Bobby. What Ann is unaware of is that Donald actually did manage to get the tickets, with which he wanted to surprise Ann. There is no way that Ann will entrust Bobby's security to anyone else to go see the play. Beyond Donald trying to sell the expensive tickets, Ann and Donald face what it will be like to be parents, especially as Bobby seems to becoming down with some unknown malady. That malady looks to be the mumps, which may not be too bad for Bobby in the long run, but which may be terrible for Ann who never had them as a child.
Happy Birthday!
Aah!
Oh, here come the fudge.
Oh, thanks a lot.
Do you like fudge?
Oh, yeah, I love it.
Then you'll love this.
It'll remind you of it.
You're right.
It's really close.
I make fudge harder
than most people.
You make it harder
than most rocks.
Where's Don taking you tonight
on your, uh, uh...
Which birthday?
Present.
My present birthday.
Well, hopefully, we're going
to see Among the Living.
A friend in Donald's office
is trying to get
us some tickets.
Among the Living.
Impossible. Nobody
can get tickets to that.
That's my Donald.
Nobody.
Here we are, Don.
Two for tonight.
Murray, you're
fantastic. You did it!
So did you.
Oh, I'm sorry. How
did you get them?
Pull.
I reached in my pocket,
I pulled out 30 bucks.
Ann's worth every penny of it.
Don, Ann is worth
diamonds, yachts, minks.
But not $30 cash.
Oh, yeah, right.
Right. Sorry, Murray. Here.
Oh, would you get that, Janie?
Hello?
Ann Marie's residence.
Oh, hi, Don. It's Janie.
How are you?
It's for me.
Donald, did you get them?
I'm sorry, sweetheart,
I did everything I could.
I tried everywhere.
Murray just couldn't get them.
Oh. Oh, well.
That's okay.
Listen, we'll try
for another night.
Oh, sure, sure. Another night.
I'll come over around
7:30 and pick you up
and we'll go out
to dinner, okay?
Okay.
Okay, honey. Bye-bye.
Don, are you crazy?
What are you trying
to do to that girl?
♪♪
Mad, huh?
Oh, no.
I'm not mad.
I'm a little disappointed,
but I'm not really mad.
Frankly, I'd be
thrilled just to know
I'd almost gone out in
the middle of the week.
Yeah, I know, you
don't get out much.
Much? Ann, you
don't know what it's like
being the mother
of a 1-year-old child.
You start looking forward
to taking out the garbage
just so you'll have ten
seconds of peace and quiet.
But you keep talking
about having more children.
Sure, I keep praying
one of them will be a maid.
When was the last
time you had dinner out?
When I was in
the maternity ward.
Can you get someone
to take care of the baby?
My baby?
Listen, there are only
two people in the world
I'd let take care
of that baby...
My Aunt Helen and
maybe Dr. Spock.
Where does your Aunt Helen live?
By the phone,
praying someday I'll phone her
and ask her to watch the baby.
Perfect, here.
Call up Harry and tell
him that you and he
are having dinner
with us tonight.
Impossible. He'll
think I'm crazy.
It's the middle of the week.
It's my birthday. Tell
him I want to have a party.
Dial!
Uh, Mr. Downs, please.
Mrs. Downs.
Listen, you know, he's
going to think I'm crazy.
Hello, Harry.
No, no. Listen,
everything's fine.
The baby's fine.
Yes. Uh, I'll tell
you why I called.
This isn't...
How would you like to
take me out to dinner tonight
with Don and Ann to
celebrate Ann's birthday,
because she doesn't
want to be alone,
and it was her idea
to phone and not mine.
And if you don't want
to, you're perfectly right.
What?
Darling!
Oh, no, no, no. Don't
worry about a thing.
Listen, I'm going
to call Aunt Helen,
and she'll mind the
baby. Everything'll be fine.
Oh, good-bye, sweetheart.
Oh, honey.
He is such a doll!
Oh, you're such a doll!
Oh, I'm going out in
the middle of the week.
Great. Aunt Helen, Aunt Helen.
Aunt Helen, Aunt Helen.
Do you mind? Of course not.
Listen, help yourself.
I wouldn't let a dime
stand between
you and Shangri-La.
I'm going out in the
middle of the week.
Oh, Aunt Helen.
Janie.
Here's your chance.
Tonight you can
stay with the baby.
Harry and... Wha...
Oh, okay. Good-bye.
What's Dr. Spock's phone number?
What's the matter?
She has the flu.
Oh, how awful.
Ah, it's not so terrible.
I was sort of looking forward
to spending the
evening at home tonight.
I found a new way
to fold a diaper.
Thought I'd try it out.
Janie, you and Harry are
going out for dinner tonight.
I'll take care of the baby.
Happy Birthday!
Thank you, sweetheart.
Okay, are you ready?
Ah, a surprise?
Yeah, now shut your eyes.
Open them, open them?
Okay, open them.
Ah, oh, Donald!
You got the tickets.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Everybody said nobody
could get them, and you did,
and you did it for
me, and I love you,
and I can't go. Can't go?
You're putting me on.
You're not putting me on.
What do you mean, you can't go?
Well, I've got a
little surprise for you.
Surprise.
What's he or she doing here?
Isn't that Bobby Downs?
Of course it is.
What are you doing with him?
I'm taking care of him.
Well, I'm here to relieve him.
You're going to
take care of me now.
You can take him
back. We've got to go.
Oh, Donald, I
can't take him back.
What are you talking about?
Well, Janie finally got Harry
to take her out to dinner,
so I said I'd take
care of the baby
until they got back
and then we'd go out.
Oh, Donald. Isn't
he getting darling?
Yes, honey, he's just darling.
I mean, he really has
a person's face now.
A person's face.
Ann, it's your birthday.
I mean, in all the
birthday books,
it says the birthday
person gets to go out
and have goodness done to her.
It doesn't say that
she stays home
and does goodness
for somebody else.
Oh, Donald, when they
get back, we're going out.
Honey, do you know what I
went through to get these tickets?
I mean, forget the $30.
Oh, $30!
Yeah, honey, I wanted everything
to be perfect for your birthday.
Oh, Donald, I'm sorry.
That's what I get for
planning a surprise.
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What are you going to do?
I'm going to call a
friend that has kids.
They can give us the number
of a babysitter and then...
Oh, Donald, I can't do that.
Until Janie and Harry get home,
this baby is my responsibility.
Honey, maybe we can
find somebody responsible.
Donald, I can't do that.
She doesn't trust
anybody with the baby.
She trusted me.
Now, I can't leave him
with somebody else.
Here, sweetheart.
All right, all right, honey.
Let me think this out.
Let me think this
out. You like that?
I got it, I got it.
We'll take the baby with us.
Oh, you're kidding.
No, I'm not.
We'll leave it in
the cloak room.
They're very responsible.
Did you ever read those checks?
Not responsible for
hats or umbrellas.
They don't say
anything about babies.
Look, all right.
You've got to go
and I'll stay here
and take care of the baby.
Donald, now, that's ridiculous.
I wouldn't enjoy myself
if you weren't with me.
Honey, it's a crime
to waste these tickets.
Now, look, I'd be much
happier with your seeing the play.
But Donald, I don't
want to go alone.
It's my birthday.
Well, we'll celebrate it.
As soon as Janie
and Harry get back,
I'll come down to the theater
and we'll go out dancing.
And then you can tell me
the whole show, word for word.
Oh, Donald, I don't
want to do that.
Now, put the baby on my bed.
Go on, come on.
Now, I want to
stay home with you.
It's my birthday,
and I want to spend my
birthday with the man I love.
I didn't know you felt
so strongly about the kid.
Well, I do.
Now, go on. Put him on the bed.
And put all the
pillows around him
so he doesn't fall off.
And I'll fix our dinner.
Okay.
Here you go. That's a good boy.
That's a boy, yes!
Good boy.
That's a boy, okay.
Okay, okay. That a boy.
Here's the tickets, we're
not going to use them.
Okay.
Yeah, you've got them. Okay.
Oh, Donald, I don't
want him to have those.
They're dirty.
Are you sure he'll
be safe enough?
Well, he looks
like an active kid.
He must be strong
and tough and athletic.
Oh, Donald, he's safe.
Now, come on,
let's let him sleep.
Honey, does he look
a little pink to you?
No. Donald, all babies are pink.
Oh, I thought girls were
supposed to be pink
and boys were blue.
Come on.
Now, what would
you like for dinner?
Pot roast or hunger?
Pot roast sounds great.
I've had hunger today.
All right, sweetheart,
now go to sleep.
That's a good boy.
Shh. Now nighty night.
Nighty night.
Oh, Donald, he is a little warm.
I think you're right.
He does look a little pink, too.
Maybe he's got a little fever.
Have you found anything yet?
Not yet.
Where did you get this book?
At the supermarket.
It was only a dollar.
Isn't it terrific?
It's better than
a first aid book.
It has every disease
known to mankind in it.
By the time I find out
what the baby's got,
he won't have it anymore.
Let me look.
You get on the phone and
try and get rid of the tickets.
Okay.
There's just about
a half an hour
before the show starts.
Let's see, Ruthie
and Jerry are away.
Stan and Louise!
They live near here.
What's the medical
term for dribbling?
Drooling. No.
Yeah, drooling.
Well, why wouldn't
they stick with dribbling?
That's no big improvement.
Dribbling to drooling?
There's no answer.
Who else lives near here?
The measles.
What's their number?
They don't have a
number, they're a disease.
Oh, the measles.
What's it say about the measles?
I don't know. I
haven't found it yet.
Murray.
Murray. Murray lives near here.
No, I don't think
it's the measles.
Chickenpox.
Hello, Murray? Don.
No, we didn't go.
My little surprise backfired,
and we're staying home.
Yeah.
Yeah, right. Yeah.
Listen, you want the tickets?
Good.
Um, Murray, you
don't have to thank me.
Uh, Murray...
Murray, why are you thanking me?
I don't think you understand.
I'm not giving you the tickets,
I'm selling them to you.
Yeah, right.
What do you mean,
How much do they cost?
You know how much they
cost. You got them for me.
They're $15 a ticket.
Right.
Look, I know they're
only $6 tickets,
but you had to pay $15
apiece to get them for me, right?
So $15 a ticket, that's it.
Mur... Murray, wait a
minute. Wait a minute.
I'd rather throw them away
before I'd sell them to anybody
for less than $14 a ticket.
Right. $14 a ticket.
I mean, that's it.
It's the principle.
Now... Murray. Murray,
now wait a minute.
I'd give them to
a perfect stranger
before I'd settle for anything
less than $13 a ticket.
12, 12 to a friend.
Okay. What?
All right, all right.
It's the last minute.
Yeah... Well, all right.
But they're certainly worth $10
even on such short notice.
All right. $10 a ticket.
Right? $10. All
right, now listen.
I'll leave them in Ann's
mailbox downstairs.
You pick them up and then you
can pay me in the morning, okay?
Te... All right.
Right. Thanks, Murray. Bye-bye.
You think I was
too tough on him?
Oh, I don't know.
I think if you held
out a little longer
he might have
even paid 6 for them.
Oh, here it is, Donald.
Wait a second.
Here it is. The mumps.
It could be the mumps!
Now, honey, listen.
Why don't you call
Janie at the restaurant.
Maybe it's something
she knows about.
Oh, Donald, she'd
have mentioned it
if it was something
she knew about.
They're in some
restaurant I don't even know.
She couldn't even
remember the name of it.
It's some restaurant
in New Jersey.
She said when she got there
she'd give me the number.
Donald, it's the mumps.
I know it's the mumps.
Honey, all right, all right.
Now... Now calm down.
What pediatrician do they use?
Do you know? Yeah, sure I know.
It's, uh... It's, uh...
Gosh, it's a name she's
mentioned a million times.
It's, uh, Goodwill.
Dr. Goodwill. Wrong.
How do you know it's wrong?
Because I know your memory.
And Goodwill is too
pat a name for a doctor.
When you heard it it may
have sounded like Goodwill,
but it really isn't Goodwill.
Yeah, you're right.
The Good is good.
The Will is bad.
It's Doctor, uh...
Dr. Good-something.
Dr. Good... Dr. Good... way.
Dr. Goodw... Goodway!
Right, Dr. Goodwin, that's it.
Honey, honey, honey, honey.
Now, look, please, I
want you to calm down.
Before you call, I
want you to calm down.
In the first place, it may
be nothing but a cold.
And in the second place,
even if it is the mumps,
every kid gets the mumps
and it's not so terrible.
It's terrible when
adults get them
because it's very painful
and it hurts and it's very bad.
I know all that, Donald.
So then relax.
How can I? I never
had the mumps.
Yet.
Call the doctor.
Ann, honey... Shh,
Donald. Listen. What?
Did you hear that?
The baby isn't crying.
I heard the baby not crying.
Maybe it's not the mumps.
It probably isn't.
Donald, you can't
say, It probably isn't.
Well, no.
I mean, maybe isn't a probably.
R-Right. Maybe it isn't.
And maybe it is.
Well, if maybe it isn't,
then I guess maybe it is.
You see, maybe is
one of those words
that has an isn't for every is.
Why doesn't the
doctor call back?
He will, honey.
His service said he'd
call within an hour.
I hope the baby's all right.
Leave it to me.
I get the baby one night
and he gets the mumps.
Well, you're just
careless, that's all.
Oh, Donald, do you realize
how much I've got
to do next week?
I've got two interviews
and three auditions.
Honey, honey, look.
If it is the mumps,
it's going to be
at least two weeks
before it shows up on you.
I mean, if the baby has it now,
there's at least a
two-week incubation period
before you'll get it.
Two weeks? That's no
enough time. For what?
For them to invent something
to keep me from getting them.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Donald, I feel so dumb.
I've ruined everything...
Your whole night
and surprise and everything.
Come here. Donald,
don't touch me.
I'll mump you. I've been mumped.
Now, listen.
I'm the one who should
be walking around here,
hitting his head against
the wall for being so stupid.
Yeah, well, don't do
it. You'll wake the baby.
If I hadn't been so smart
about my nifty surprise,
we would've been
at the theater tonight
and you wouldn't be
home taking care of a baby
and worrying about getting
the mumps on your birthday.
Oh, Donald, don't feel bad.
I won't. And you know why?
Because I'm going to get tickets
to that show for another night.
I mean, you and I can go
out any other night together.
And it's much more special
to remember this birthday
as the night we
waited for a pediatrician
rather than go to a play.
Now, if you promise not to
feel bad about ruining my night,
I promise not to feel
bad about ruining yours.
Stone, that's what you are.
Solid stone.
Okay, Ann. Now, look.
You look through this book
and check all the baby's
symptoms until the doctor calls,
and I'll go take a
look at the baby.
Okay. Okay.
Uh...
He seems fine.
His nose is still a
little runny, though.
You know, Donald,
this is really an
interesting book.
There's a whole chapter
on child psychology.
Oh, yeah?
Donald, suppose you
had a 3-year-old son
who purposely broke
your eyeglasses.
What would you do?
I'd have him imprisoned.
Really? Would you hit him?
Well, that depends.
You mean you might hit him.
I might.
So you believe under
certain circumstances
it's all right for a
father to hit his son?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Yeah, well, like
what circumstances?
I don't know, honey.
Come on, Donald, just
tell me a for instance.
Like, when would you think it'd
be all right for you to hit your son?
It depends. No depends.
Tell me one surefire
time that you would hit
your 3-year-old son.
When he bombed England.
Donald.
Honey, I have no way of knowing.
The point being you
would hit your child.
Under certain
circumstances, yes.
How could you?
That's the way I am.
I'd also probably slap a
snake if it was going to bite me.
Donald, don't treat
this so unimportantly.
I happen to think
that it's wrong
under any circumstances
to strike a child.
Okay, okay, honey,
what does it say
in the book about hitting?
I'll get you some more wine.
Hello?
Oh, yes, Dr. Goodwin.
Yes, this is Ann Marie.
I'm taking care of
the Downs' baby
and I think he's sick, and
I've never been a mother,
and I was wondering
if you'd come over.
Oh. Well, I live
right down the hall
from the Downs... ses.
Well... Oh, he's sleeping now,
but I was just thinking
if you could come over...
Whatever it costs, I don't care.
Please come.
Yes, Doctor. 4D.
Thank you, Doctor.
That's terrific.
Bye.
Is he coming over? Yes, he is.
Donald, I am really bad.
I really am bad, Donald.
I never realized until tonight
just how bad I really am.
I'm just as worried about
myself getting the mumps
as I am about the baby.
What's so bad about that, Ann?
The mumps certainly are as bad
for you as they are for the baby.
Women aren't supposed to be
concerned with themselves, Donald.
Where's my maternal instinct?
Ann, in the first place,
Bobby Downs isn't even your son.
All women are all
mother's sons, Donald.
I don't believe that.
Oh, sure. It's easy for you.
You go around
hitting 3-year-olds.
All right, honey, you're
getting a little wacky.
I'll tell you what
we're going to do.
We'll play some cards,
get your mind off it till
the doctor comes out.
Go get the cards. Go
ahead, get the cards.
Atta girl.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Janie.
Oh, everything's fine.
It's... It's just great!
Yeah. You having a good time?
Oh, good.
Listen, just in case
anything should,
you know, come up,
where do I reach you?
Oh, yeah, the Fireside. Right.
Oh, yeah. No, no, I
can get the number.
Okay, well, have
a real good time.
Bye.
You didn't want to
ruin their evening.
Donald, she gets out so seldom
and the doctor's on his way.
I mean, if it's anything,
I can always call her.
You're right. I agree with you.
And that's one of the
nice things about you.
Come on. Here.
Donald, if I do get the mumps,
I don't want you to think
you have to come
over here all the time
and stay with me and eat
with me and everything.
I won't. I feel it would be
a great opportunity for me
to go out to dinners and shows
in a tuxedo with a hat and a cane.
I really mean it, Donald.
I wouldn't want to be a burden.
Honey, come on.
Pick up your cards.
What are we playing? Cribbage.
I don't know how
to play cribbage.
I know that. It's
a dollar a hand.
Let's go. Donald.
Okay, you got five
cards in your hand.
Now we're going to play poker.
Poker?
I've always wanted
to play poker with you.
You've never wanted
to play with me.
I know, but tonight's
your birthday.
Do you want any cards?
Yeah, that's... Deal again.
Honey, you can take three,
but you can't ask
to deal them again
just because they're bad.
Why not?
Because I'm wrong and
we'll deal them again.
Oh, Doctor, is it the mumps?
It is not the mumps. Oh!
Nor anything else.
Thank goodness.
There is nothing whatsoever
wrong with that child.
That's wonderful. I'll
send a bill to the Downs.
Oh, no, that's all right.
I'll pay for it, Doctor. Ann.
Well, Donald, there's
nothing wrong with him.
I'm sure they'd rather pay
to find out it was healthy
than to find out it was sick.
I'm sure they know he's healthy.
I'm the one who
thought he was sick.
How much is it, Doctor?
$10. $10?
Uh, here you go, Dr. Goodwin.
Donald, you don't
have to do that.
Consider it part of
your birthday night.
It would have cost
me at least that much
to take you out to dinner.
Then add on a 15% tip.
Well, good night.
Oh, by the way, Ms. Marie,
there are mump shots now.
Get them. Yes.
You know, Doctor,
I was just kind of
wondering about something.
Yes, what is it?
Well, um, I have this nephew
and, um, he took his
father's eyeglasses
and he threw them on the ground
and he broke them purposely.
And he's about 3 years old.
I don't care how old he
is, he should be spanked.
Excuse me, go on.
And, uh, then he fell
asleep. It's a very dull story.
Well, thanks a lot for
coming over, Doctor.
You're very welcome.
Good night. Night.
Just because he said
he'd spank the child
doesn't make it right.
I know that and
everyone is entitled
to their own opinions
in these things.
I guess you're right.
Oh, Donald, I'm so sleepy.
Between worrying about the baby
and that wine,
I'm just exhausted.
That was some birthday you had.
The best thing that
happened to you
is you found out you
didn't have the mumps.
You just tell me
how wonderful I am
and it'll be a perfect birthday.
How Wonderful You Are...
And why you love me.
And Why I Love You
by Donald Hollinger.
I love you because
you're beautiful
and witty and... logical.
Shh. Huh?
Shh shh, Donald.
Just... Just let me
sleep about five minutes.
That's really all I need.
Just take a little nap and I'll
feel real good when I wake up.
Honey, if you fall asleep now,
you're going to be out
for the rest of the night.
Ann?
Ann?
Great.
Happy birthday, honey.
"Happy birthday, darling.
"No, you're not
sleeping on the baby.
"Janie came back
and took him home
"and you slept through it all.
"I put you to bed and
stood at the foot of it
"and stared at you and realized
"that everything that I
loved in the whole world
"was in between those toes
that wiggle when you sleep
"and those bangs up
at your forehead that,
"for some strange reason,
don't ever get messed up,
"no matter how many
times you turn over.
"You've asked me many
times why I love you.
"When I can explain why I
feel like I swallowed a feather
"when someone
mentions your name,
"when I can explain
why I can miss
"an entire inning of a
Mets baseball game
"because I've been staring at
your picture on my television set,
"and when I can explain
why I stand in your bedroom
"watching you sleep,
"then I'll be able to
explain why I love you.
"Meanwhile, just
take my word for it,
"or I'll tell everybody
your toes wiggle
"while you sleep.
Good night, my love."
Donald?
Donald, I don't know
how to tell you this,
but someone last
night put me to bed
and then left me a
beautiful unsigned note.
Why?
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
Aah!
Oh, here come the fudge.
Oh, thanks a lot.
Do you like fudge?
Oh, yeah, I love it.
Then you'll love this.
It'll remind you of it.
You're right.
It's really close.
I make fudge harder
than most people.
You make it harder
than most rocks.
Where's Don taking you tonight
on your, uh, uh...
Which birthday?
Present.
My present birthday.
Well, hopefully, we're going
to see Among the Living.
A friend in Donald's office
is trying to get
us some tickets.
Among the Living.
Impossible. Nobody
can get tickets to that.
That's my Donald.
Nobody.
Here we are, Don.
Two for tonight.
Murray, you're
fantastic. You did it!
So did you.
Oh, I'm sorry. How
did you get them?
Pull.
I reached in my pocket,
I pulled out 30 bucks.
Ann's worth every penny of it.
Don, Ann is worth
diamonds, yachts, minks.
But not $30 cash.
Oh, yeah, right.
Right. Sorry, Murray. Here.
Oh, would you get that, Janie?
Hello?
Ann Marie's residence.
Oh, hi, Don. It's Janie.
How are you?
It's for me.
Donald, did you get them?
I'm sorry, sweetheart,
I did everything I could.
I tried everywhere.
Murray just couldn't get them.
Oh. Oh, well.
That's okay.
Listen, we'll try
for another night.
Oh, sure, sure. Another night.
I'll come over around
7:30 and pick you up
and we'll go out
to dinner, okay?
Okay.
Okay, honey. Bye-bye.
Don, are you crazy?
What are you trying
to do to that girl?
♪♪
Mad, huh?
Oh, no.
I'm not mad.
I'm a little disappointed,
but I'm not really mad.
Frankly, I'd be
thrilled just to know
I'd almost gone out in
the middle of the week.
Yeah, I know, you
don't get out much.
Much? Ann, you
don't know what it's like
being the mother
of a 1-year-old child.
You start looking forward
to taking out the garbage
just so you'll have ten
seconds of peace and quiet.
But you keep talking
about having more children.
Sure, I keep praying
one of them will be a maid.
When was the last
time you had dinner out?
When I was in
the maternity ward.
Can you get someone
to take care of the baby?
My baby?
Listen, there are only
two people in the world
I'd let take care
of that baby...
My Aunt Helen and
maybe Dr. Spock.
Where does your Aunt Helen live?
By the phone,
praying someday I'll phone her
and ask her to watch the baby.
Perfect, here.
Call up Harry and tell
him that you and he
are having dinner
with us tonight.
Impossible. He'll
think I'm crazy.
It's the middle of the week.
It's my birthday. Tell
him I want to have a party.
Dial!
Uh, Mr. Downs, please.
Mrs. Downs.
Listen, you know, he's
going to think I'm crazy.
Hello, Harry.
No, no. Listen,
everything's fine.
The baby's fine.
Yes. Uh, I'll tell
you why I called.
This isn't...
How would you like to
take me out to dinner tonight
with Don and Ann to
celebrate Ann's birthday,
because she doesn't
want to be alone,
and it was her idea
to phone and not mine.
And if you don't want
to, you're perfectly right.
What?
Darling!
Oh, no, no, no. Don't
worry about a thing.
Listen, I'm going
to call Aunt Helen,
and she'll mind the
baby. Everything'll be fine.
Oh, good-bye, sweetheart.
Oh, honey.
He is such a doll!
Oh, you're such a doll!
Oh, I'm going out in
the middle of the week.
Great. Aunt Helen, Aunt Helen.
Aunt Helen, Aunt Helen.
Do you mind? Of course not.
Listen, help yourself.
I wouldn't let a dime
stand between
you and Shangri-La.
I'm going out in the
middle of the week.
Oh, Aunt Helen.
Janie.
Here's your chance.
Tonight you can
stay with the baby.
Harry and... Wha...
Oh, okay. Good-bye.
What's Dr. Spock's phone number?
What's the matter?
She has the flu.
Oh, how awful.
Ah, it's not so terrible.
I was sort of looking forward
to spending the
evening at home tonight.
I found a new way
to fold a diaper.
Thought I'd try it out.
Janie, you and Harry are
going out for dinner tonight.
I'll take care of the baby.
Happy Birthday!
Thank you, sweetheart.
Okay, are you ready?
Ah, a surprise?
Yeah, now shut your eyes.
Open them, open them?
Okay, open them.
Ah, oh, Donald!
You got the tickets.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Everybody said nobody
could get them, and you did,
and you did it for
me, and I love you,
and I can't go. Can't go?
You're putting me on.
You're not putting me on.
What do you mean, you can't go?
Well, I've got a
little surprise for you.
Surprise.
What's he or she doing here?
Isn't that Bobby Downs?
Of course it is.
What are you doing with him?
I'm taking care of him.
Well, I'm here to relieve him.
You're going to
take care of me now.
You can take him
back. We've got to go.
Oh, Donald, I
can't take him back.
What are you talking about?
Well, Janie finally got Harry
to take her out to dinner,
so I said I'd take
care of the baby
until they got back
and then we'd go out.
Oh, Donald. Isn't
he getting darling?
Yes, honey, he's just darling.
I mean, he really has
a person's face now.
A person's face.
Ann, it's your birthday.
I mean, in all the
birthday books,
it says the birthday
person gets to go out
and have goodness done to her.
It doesn't say that
she stays home
and does goodness
for somebody else.
Oh, Donald, when they
get back, we're going out.
Honey, do you know what I
went through to get these tickets?
I mean, forget the $30.
Oh, $30!
Yeah, honey, I wanted everything
to be perfect for your birthday.
Oh, Donald, I'm sorry.
That's what I get for
planning a surprise.
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What are you going to do?
I'm going to call a
friend that has kids.
They can give us the number
of a babysitter and then...
Oh, Donald, I can't do that.
Until Janie and Harry get home,
this baby is my responsibility.
Honey, maybe we can
find somebody responsible.
Donald, I can't do that.
She doesn't trust
anybody with the baby.
She trusted me.
Now, I can't leave him
with somebody else.
Here, sweetheart.
All right, all right, honey.
Let me think this out.
Let me think this
out. You like that?
I got it, I got it.
We'll take the baby with us.
Oh, you're kidding.
No, I'm not.
We'll leave it in
the cloak room.
They're very responsible.
Did you ever read those checks?
Not responsible for
hats or umbrellas.
They don't say
anything about babies.
Look, all right.
You've got to go
and I'll stay here
and take care of the baby.
Donald, now, that's ridiculous.
I wouldn't enjoy myself
if you weren't with me.
Honey, it's a crime
to waste these tickets.
Now, look, I'd be much
happier with your seeing the play.
But Donald, I don't
want to go alone.
It's my birthday.
Well, we'll celebrate it.
As soon as Janie
and Harry get back,
I'll come down to the theater
and we'll go out dancing.
And then you can tell me
the whole show, word for word.
Oh, Donald, I don't
want to do that.
Now, put the baby on my bed.
Go on, come on.
Now, I want to
stay home with you.
It's my birthday,
and I want to spend my
birthday with the man I love.
I didn't know you felt
so strongly about the kid.
Well, I do.
Now, go on. Put him on the bed.
And put all the
pillows around him
so he doesn't fall off.
And I'll fix our dinner.
Okay.
Here you go. That's a good boy.
That's a boy, yes!
Good boy.
That's a boy, okay.
Okay, okay. That a boy.
Here's the tickets, we're
not going to use them.
Okay.
Yeah, you've got them. Okay.
Oh, Donald, I don't
want him to have those.
They're dirty.
Are you sure he'll
be safe enough?
Well, he looks
like an active kid.
He must be strong
and tough and athletic.
Oh, Donald, he's safe.
Now, come on,
let's let him sleep.
Honey, does he look
a little pink to you?
No. Donald, all babies are pink.
Oh, I thought girls were
supposed to be pink
and boys were blue.
Come on.
Now, what would
you like for dinner?
Pot roast or hunger?
Pot roast sounds great.
I've had hunger today.
All right, sweetheart,
now go to sleep.
That's a good boy.
Shh. Now nighty night.
Nighty night.
Oh, Donald, he is a little warm.
I think you're right.
He does look a little pink, too.
Maybe he's got a little fever.
Have you found anything yet?
Not yet.
Where did you get this book?
At the supermarket.
It was only a dollar.
Isn't it terrific?
It's better than
a first aid book.
It has every disease
known to mankind in it.
By the time I find out
what the baby's got,
he won't have it anymore.
Let me look.
You get on the phone and
try and get rid of the tickets.
Okay.
There's just about
a half an hour
before the show starts.
Let's see, Ruthie
and Jerry are away.
Stan and Louise!
They live near here.
What's the medical
term for dribbling?
Drooling. No.
Yeah, drooling.
Well, why wouldn't
they stick with dribbling?
That's no big improvement.
Dribbling to drooling?
There's no answer.
Who else lives near here?
The measles.
What's their number?
They don't have a
number, they're a disease.
Oh, the measles.
What's it say about the measles?
I don't know. I
haven't found it yet.
Murray.
Murray. Murray lives near here.
No, I don't think
it's the measles.
Chickenpox.
Hello, Murray? Don.
No, we didn't go.
My little surprise backfired,
and we're staying home.
Yeah.
Yeah, right. Yeah.
Listen, you want the tickets?
Good.
Um, Murray, you
don't have to thank me.
Uh, Murray...
Murray, why are you thanking me?
I don't think you understand.
I'm not giving you the tickets,
I'm selling them to you.
Yeah, right.
What do you mean,
How much do they cost?
You know how much they
cost. You got them for me.
They're $15 a ticket.
Right.
Look, I know they're
only $6 tickets,
but you had to pay $15
apiece to get them for me, right?
So $15 a ticket, that's it.
Mur... Murray, wait a
minute. Wait a minute.
I'd rather throw them away
before I'd sell them to anybody
for less than $14 a ticket.
Right. $14 a ticket.
I mean, that's it.
It's the principle.
Now... Murray. Murray,
now wait a minute.
I'd give them to
a perfect stranger
before I'd settle for anything
less than $13 a ticket.
12, 12 to a friend.
Okay. What?
All right, all right.
It's the last minute.
Yeah... Well, all right.
But they're certainly worth $10
even on such short notice.
All right. $10 a ticket.
Right? $10. All
right, now listen.
I'll leave them in Ann's
mailbox downstairs.
You pick them up and then you
can pay me in the morning, okay?
Te... All right.
Right. Thanks, Murray. Bye-bye.
You think I was
too tough on him?
Oh, I don't know.
I think if you held
out a little longer
he might have
even paid 6 for them.
Oh, here it is, Donald.
Wait a second.
Here it is. The mumps.
It could be the mumps!
Now, honey, listen.
Why don't you call
Janie at the restaurant.
Maybe it's something
she knows about.
Oh, Donald, she'd
have mentioned it
if it was something
she knew about.
They're in some
restaurant I don't even know.
She couldn't even
remember the name of it.
It's some restaurant
in New Jersey.
She said when she got there
she'd give me the number.
Donald, it's the mumps.
I know it's the mumps.
Honey, all right, all right.
Now... Now calm down.
What pediatrician do they use?
Do you know? Yeah, sure I know.
It's, uh... It's, uh...
Gosh, it's a name she's
mentioned a million times.
It's, uh, Goodwill.
Dr. Goodwill. Wrong.
How do you know it's wrong?
Because I know your memory.
And Goodwill is too
pat a name for a doctor.
When you heard it it may
have sounded like Goodwill,
but it really isn't Goodwill.
Yeah, you're right.
The Good is good.
The Will is bad.
It's Doctor, uh...
Dr. Good-something.
Dr. Good... Dr. Good... way.
Dr. Goodw... Goodway!
Right, Dr. Goodwin, that's it.
Honey, honey, honey, honey.
Now, look, please, I
want you to calm down.
Before you call, I
want you to calm down.
In the first place, it may
be nothing but a cold.
And in the second place,
even if it is the mumps,
every kid gets the mumps
and it's not so terrible.
It's terrible when
adults get them
because it's very painful
and it hurts and it's very bad.
I know all that, Donald.
So then relax.
How can I? I never
had the mumps.
Yet.
Call the doctor.
Ann, honey... Shh,
Donald. Listen. What?
Did you hear that?
The baby isn't crying.
I heard the baby not crying.
Maybe it's not the mumps.
It probably isn't.
Donald, you can't
say, It probably isn't.
Well, no.
I mean, maybe isn't a probably.
R-Right. Maybe it isn't.
And maybe it is.
Well, if maybe it isn't,
then I guess maybe it is.
You see, maybe is
one of those words
that has an isn't for every is.
Why doesn't the
doctor call back?
He will, honey.
His service said he'd
call within an hour.
I hope the baby's all right.
Leave it to me.
I get the baby one night
and he gets the mumps.
Well, you're just
careless, that's all.
Oh, Donald, do you realize
how much I've got
to do next week?
I've got two interviews
and three auditions.
Honey, honey, look.
If it is the mumps,
it's going to be
at least two weeks
before it shows up on you.
I mean, if the baby has it now,
there's at least a
two-week incubation period
before you'll get it.
Two weeks? That's no
enough time. For what?
For them to invent something
to keep me from getting them.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Donald, I feel so dumb.
I've ruined everything...
Your whole night
and surprise and everything.
Come here. Donald,
don't touch me.
I'll mump you. I've been mumped.
Now, listen.
I'm the one who should
be walking around here,
hitting his head against
the wall for being so stupid.
Yeah, well, don't do
it. You'll wake the baby.
If I hadn't been so smart
about my nifty surprise,
we would've been
at the theater tonight
and you wouldn't be
home taking care of a baby
and worrying about getting
the mumps on your birthday.
Oh, Donald, don't feel bad.
I won't. And you know why?
Because I'm going to get tickets
to that show for another night.
I mean, you and I can go
out any other night together.
And it's much more special
to remember this birthday
as the night we
waited for a pediatrician
rather than go to a play.
Now, if you promise not to
feel bad about ruining my night,
I promise not to feel
bad about ruining yours.
Stone, that's what you are.
Solid stone.
Okay, Ann. Now, look.
You look through this book
and check all the baby's
symptoms until the doctor calls,
and I'll go take a
look at the baby.
Okay. Okay.
Uh...
He seems fine.
His nose is still a
little runny, though.
You know, Donald,
this is really an
interesting book.
There's a whole chapter
on child psychology.
Oh, yeah?
Donald, suppose you
had a 3-year-old son
who purposely broke
your eyeglasses.
What would you do?
I'd have him imprisoned.
Really? Would you hit him?
Well, that depends.
You mean you might hit him.
I might.
So you believe under
certain circumstances
it's all right for a
father to hit his son?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Yeah, well, like
what circumstances?
I don't know, honey.
Come on, Donald, just
tell me a for instance.
Like, when would you think it'd
be all right for you to hit your son?
It depends. No depends.
Tell me one surefire
time that you would hit
your 3-year-old son.
When he bombed England.
Donald.
Honey, I have no way of knowing.
The point being you
would hit your child.
Under certain
circumstances, yes.
How could you?
That's the way I am.
I'd also probably slap a
snake if it was going to bite me.
Donald, don't treat
this so unimportantly.
I happen to think
that it's wrong
under any circumstances
to strike a child.
Okay, okay, honey,
what does it say
in the book about hitting?
I'll get you some more wine.
Hello?
Oh, yes, Dr. Goodwin.
Yes, this is Ann Marie.
I'm taking care of
the Downs' baby
and I think he's sick, and
I've never been a mother,
and I was wondering
if you'd come over.
Oh. Well, I live
right down the hall
from the Downs... ses.
Well... Oh, he's sleeping now,
but I was just thinking
if you could come over...
Whatever it costs, I don't care.
Please come.
Yes, Doctor. 4D.
Thank you, Doctor.
That's terrific.
Bye.
Is he coming over? Yes, he is.
Donald, I am really bad.
I really am bad, Donald.
I never realized until tonight
just how bad I really am.
I'm just as worried about
myself getting the mumps
as I am about the baby.
What's so bad about that, Ann?
The mumps certainly are as bad
for you as they are for the baby.
Women aren't supposed to be
concerned with themselves, Donald.
Where's my maternal instinct?
Ann, in the first place,
Bobby Downs isn't even your son.
All women are all
mother's sons, Donald.
I don't believe that.
Oh, sure. It's easy for you.
You go around
hitting 3-year-olds.
All right, honey, you're
getting a little wacky.
I'll tell you what
we're going to do.
We'll play some cards,
get your mind off it till
the doctor comes out.
Go get the cards. Go
ahead, get the cards.
Atta girl.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Janie.
Oh, everything's fine.
It's... It's just great!
Yeah. You having a good time?
Oh, good.
Listen, just in case
anything should,
you know, come up,
where do I reach you?
Oh, yeah, the Fireside. Right.
Oh, yeah. No, no, I
can get the number.
Okay, well, have
a real good time.
Bye.
You didn't want to
ruin their evening.
Donald, she gets out so seldom
and the doctor's on his way.
I mean, if it's anything,
I can always call her.
You're right. I agree with you.
And that's one of the
nice things about you.
Come on. Here.
Donald, if I do get the mumps,
I don't want you to think
you have to come
over here all the time
and stay with me and eat
with me and everything.
I won't. I feel it would be
a great opportunity for me
to go out to dinners and shows
in a tuxedo with a hat and a cane.
I really mean it, Donald.
I wouldn't want to be a burden.
Honey, come on.
Pick up your cards.
What are we playing? Cribbage.
I don't know how
to play cribbage.
I know that. It's
a dollar a hand.
Let's go. Donald.
Okay, you got five
cards in your hand.
Now we're going to play poker.
Poker?
I've always wanted
to play poker with you.
You've never wanted
to play with me.
I know, but tonight's
your birthday.
Do you want any cards?
Yeah, that's... Deal again.
Honey, you can take three,
but you can't ask
to deal them again
just because they're bad.
Why not?
Because I'm wrong and
we'll deal them again.
Oh, Doctor, is it the mumps?
It is not the mumps. Oh!
Nor anything else.
Thank goodness.
There is nothing whatsoever
wrong with that child.
That's wonderful. I'll
send a bill to the Downs.
Oh, no, that's all right.
I'll pay for it, Doctor. Ann.
Well, Donald, there's
nothing wrong with him.
I'm sure they'd rather pay
to find out it was healthy
than to find out it was sick.
I'm sure they know he's healthy.
I'm the one who
thought he was sick.
How much is it, Doctor?
$10. $10?
Uh, here you go, Dr. Goodwin.
Donald, you don't
have to do that.
Consider it part of
your birthday night.
It would have cost
me at least that much
to take you out to dinner.
Then add on a 15% tip.
Well, good night.
Oh, by the way, Ms. Marie,
there are mump shots now.
Get them. Yes.
You know, Doctor,
I was just kind of
wondering about something.
Yes, what is it?
Well, um, I have this nephew
and, um, he took his
father's eyeglasses
and he threw them on the ground
and he broke them purposely.
And he's about 3 years old.
I don't care how old he
is, he should be spanked.
Excuse me, go on.
And, uh, then he fell
asleep. It's a very dull story.
Well, thanks a lot for
coming over, Doctor.
You're very welcome.
Good night. Night.
Just because he said
he'd spank the child
doesn't make it right.
I know that and
everyone is entitled
to their own opinions
in these things.
I guess you're right.
Oh, Donald, I'm so sleepy.
Between worrying about the baby
and that wine,
I'm just exhausted.
That was some birthday you had.
The best thing that
happened to you
is you found out you
didn't have the mumps.
You just tell me
how wonderful I am
and it'll be a perfect birthday.
How Wonderful You Are...
And why you love me.
And Why I Love You
by Donald Hollinger.
I love you because
you're beautiful
and witty and... logical.
Shh. Huh?
Shh shh, Donald.
Just... Just let me
sleep about five minutes.
That's really all I need.
Just take a little nap and I'll
feel real good when I wake up.
Honey, if you fall asleep now,
you're going to be out
for the rest of the night.
Ann?
Ann?
Great.
Happy birthday, honey.
"Happy birthday, darling.
"No, you're not
sleeping on the baby.
"Janie came back
and took him home
"and you slept through it all.
"I put you to bed and
stood at the foot of it
"and stared at you and realized
"that everything that I
loved in the whole world
"was in between those toes
that wiggle when you sleep
"and those bangs up
at your forehead that,
"for some strange reason,
don't ever get messed up,
"no matter how many
times you turn over.
"You've asked me many
times why I love you.
"When I can explain why I
feel like I swallowed a feather
"when someone
mentions your name,
"when I can explain
why I can miss
"an entire inning of a
Mets baseball game
"because I've been staring at
your picture on my television set,
"and when I can explain
why I stand in your bedroom
"watching you sleep,
"then I'll be able to
explain why I love you.
"Meanwhile, just
take my word for it,
"or I'll tell everybody
your toes wiggle
"while you sleep.
Good night, my love."
Donald?
Donald, I don't know
how to tell you this,
but someone last
night put me to bed
and then left me a
beautiful unsigned note.
Why?
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA