That Girl (1966–1971): Season 4, Episode 23 - Gone-A-Courtin - full transcript
Ann is auditioning for famed Broadway producer William Samuels for a part in his new play. During the audition, Samuels is seemingly preoccupied and in a violent mood, which flusters Ann. He apologizes to her, and mentions that his thoughts are on a lawsuit issued by New York Times columnist Morgan Jerome, the two who have had a mutual professional dislike for years based on Jerome's criticisms of Samuels' past plays. The suit is based on an incident where Jerome claims that Samuels stabbed him with a flaming shish kebab at a nightclub. Samuels claims that Jerome, flustered by their encounter, accidentally stabbed himself. Because of Samuels' current preoccupied state of mind, he postpones the remainder of Ann's audition. Later, Ann is surprised and excited by a telephone call from Samuels asking her to come in for a follow-up audition. Ann learns that Samuels does have a role for her, but not quite the one she was expecting. Because of how flustered Ann was at the audition, he believes she can help recreate Jerome being flustered the way he was at the nightclub. In court, she is to act as Samuels' lawyer's clumsy assistant, culminating in a reenactment of the nightclub scene with a flaming shish kebab going toward Jerome. Will Ann pretending to be a clumsy legal mind go up in flames like the shish kebab in her hands?
Thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thank you!
Has anybody ever told you
you're the cutest hat-check
girl in New York City?
Well, let me see. There
were two men today,
and then yesterday there
was that Texan, and then on...
Honey, look, you gotta be
careful in a place like this.
I mean, if a man comes up to you
with a tired old cornball
line like that... Yes?
And he happens to be clean cut
and affable and his initial are D.H.,
you should go out to lunch
with him this afternoon.
[chuckles] I'm
skipping lunch today.
Why, you can't tear yourself
away from this glamorous job?
Are you kidding?
This is the dullest.
Please. Oh, yes, sir.
23, 24.
May I help you with
your coat, madam?
The lady's coat
is the blue wool.
Yes. There you are.
Then again, the job
does have its moments.
Why no lunch, honey?
Oh, because I've been
waiting for a call from my agent.
William Samuels is auditioning
people for his new play.
So I've been kind
of waiting around
to see if Seymour's gonna
call and get me an audition.
Oh, we might as
well go to lunch.
The phone hasn't rung all day.
It's not gonna ring now.
[phone rings]
It's not Seymour.
[ring] Hello.
Oh, hi, Seymour.
Samuels won't see me.
What?
You're kidding!
Oh, Seymour, that's fantastic!
Okay! Bye!
Donald, it's fantastic!
Mr. Samuels wants to see me!
Well, it's the power
of positive thinking.
Oh, Donald, what am I gonna do?
Samuels wants to
see me right now.
Who am I gonna get to
attend the stand for me?
Honey, you're
not thinking that...
Oh, Donald, please.
I won't be gone very long.
You were thinking
that. No, honey, no!
It doesn't take
very long at all.
You don't want me to
lose this job here, do you?
And then possibly a part later?
Oh, please, Donald.
Honey, I also don't want
to run a hat-check stand.
And I also don't want
to get the mumps.
But if you look at me that
way, I'll get 'em for you.
Oh, Donald. I love you.
You're a doll. A doll.
Isn't that one of those easily
manipulated windup little things?
Excuse me, did I
leave my briefcase...
You're not the same...
No, no, no. You
want, uh... the hat girl.
♪♪ [theme]
"Perhaps someone can give you
the gift of manhood, Gerald, but not I.
I've given you all I had."
There isn't any more.
Continue, Miss Brown.
There isn't any more.
Yes. Yes, go on from there.
I mean, that's the
end of the scene.
There isn't any more.
Oh. Well, thank you, Miss Brown.
Uh...
No, you were fine, just
fine. Thank you very much.
Bye.
Who's next, Lydia?
Miss Ann Marie, Mr. Samuels.
Oh, Mr. Samuels!
I can't tell you how happy I am
to have this chance
to read for you.
Even if I don't get the part,
just the fact that
you remembered me.
You... You do remember me?
Oh, yes, of course.
We met, uh...
In the elevator.
In the... We were going up.
Oh, yes, yes.
Uh, how have you been, Mary Ann?
It's, uh, Ann Marie.
You don't remember me, do you?
No. No, I'm sorry.
Well, I guess you do meet a
lot of people in the elevator.
Uh, yes, especially going up.
Would you sit down, please?
Now, Miss Marie, in this
scene you play Norma
visiting your former sweetheart.
He's a weak, uncertain man.
On the other hand, you're
strong-willed, domineering.
The, uh, classic
emancipated female.
Ah.
Give me a script.
I was just trying
to get into the part.
Oh. Right here.
I'll read Gerald, page 37.
"Norma, oh, I'm so glad
you agreed to see me.
"I'm so grateful.
My, you haven't changed."
"Neither have you, Gerald.
You still talk in that
wounded whisper, I see."
"No, I haven't changed.
Nothing's changed.
I still need you."
"What you mean, Gerald,
is you need my spine
"since you don't
have one of your own.
"And don't cry, Gerald!
"It is so unbecoming in a man.
But then of course,
you're not a man, are you?"
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Mr. Samuels, the
morning paper's here.
Let's have it.
Uh, excuse me, Miss Marie.
There's something I want
to check here in the papers.
Oh, uh... "I might become a
man if you came back to me."
Oh. Uh... uh...
"That's not..." Oh.
"Ha! That's not
very likely, Gerald.
"I gave you every
opportunity in the past.
If only once..."
Well, go on, please.
Oh, uh...
"If only once you
could get mad, Gerald.
"If... If only once you
showed some spirit.
"I'm insulting you, Gerald.
"Why don't you do something?
Hit me. Go ahead, hit me."
Aah! Don't hit me!
Excuse me, Miss Marie.
Uh, uh, Would you
mind picking it up again?
Oh, yes, I'll pick it up.
Here. Uh... Let's see, uh...
Uh... "Hit me. Go on,
Gerald, just hit me."
"I could never do that.
You know I hate violence."
"In other people, that's
a strength, Gerald.
"In you, it's a weakness
"Look at the way you've always
knuckled under to your father.
"Why don't you
ever stand up to him?
Tell him off!"
I ought to kill him.
Your father?
Mr. Samuels, who
are you made at? Me?
Oh. No.
No, no, it's that swine
Jerome in the morning paper.
Oh, you mean Morgan
Jerome, the columnist?
Yes! Read it! Go ahead, read it!
Sure.
"That over-praised
and under-talented
charlatan of the theater..."
That must be you.
I mean, is he referring to you?
"untalented charlatan
of the theater
"is understandably
worried about our
"approaching lawsuit we hear.
"And for good reason.
"This column has
previously exposed him
as an egomaniac
and a monomaniac."
What's a monomaniac?
"On Thursday, we
shall prove him to be
a homicidal maniac as well."
The man's got a
persecution complex.
He insists I tried to kill him.
[gasps] Oh, I remember
reading about that.
Where you had some
trouble with him in a nightclub...
It was in a nightclub,
but it didn't happen.
These assault charges
are completely unfounded.
Oh, I'm sure they are.
Don't you worry, Mr. Samuels.
Decent people know better than
to believe everything they hear.
And that Jerome is nothing
but a unprincipled,
vicious gossip monger.
Oh, do you know Jerome?
No, but I've heard
a lot about him.
Well, it's my
problem, not yours.
I'm sorry to burden you with it.
Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Marie.
I just can't concentrate
on a reading this morning.
However, you did very well.
Oh, thank you. Mr. Samuels.
I hope I get another
chance to read for you
when you're in a
better frame of mind.
Of course. I'll call you.
Oh, I'll be looking
forward to hearing from you
I'll be calling you.
Aaahhh!
Was that you calling me?
No, I don't suppose it was.
Good-bye.
[knock on door] Who is it?
[Donald] The hat-check girl.
Oh, come in.
I don't know why, really,
but I picked up $4,000
worth of tips today.
Oh, Donald, you went to the bank
just so you could do that.
Right. Was it worth it?
You're worth it.
It wasn't worth it.
What are you doing
to that old trunk?
I'm transforming it.
When I get through, you
won't even recognize it.
I won't, huh? Uh-uh.
See, first, I'm gonna
mold it with all this paper,
and then I'll paint it,
and then I'll varnish
the whole thing.
And you know what
it will look like then?
Main Street, downtown Warsaw.
[laughs]
No. Anyway, it's keeping my mind
off of that terrible
interview today.
You wanna help me,
Donald? Come on.
No, no.
Oh, come on. Misery
loves company.
Honey...
Honey, you act like you never
lost out on an audition before.
Well, it's just that it
started out so well.
I mean, Samuels asking
for me and everything.
And it was all
going kind of well
and then he got so violent
over Jerome's article.
I mean, Donald,
he really got violent.
Yeah, Jerome has
that effect on people,
but very few people stab him.
Did Mr. Samuels do that?
That's what Jerome
said Samuels did,
but Samuels said he didn't.
And that's the stuff that
lawsuits are made of.
Well, I don't believe
anything Jerome says.
He's been picking on Mr. Samuels
for years in his columns.
Honey, this won't hold.
Let me see.
Oh, it's just watery.
Here, look, just hold
onto it. That's good.
Just hold onto
it till it dries...
With both hands. That's good.
Just hold on.
See? Like that, until it dries.
Good.
Don't you feel kinda stupid?
No.
[phone rings]
Now I do.
[ring]
Put your hand there.
[ring]
Hello?
[gasps] Donald, it's Seymour.
Fine. Say hello and
scratch my nose.
Oh, Donald! What's
happening, Seymour?
Honey, I'm warning you, come
scratch my nose or I'm gonna let go.
Seymour, hold on a minute. I
have to scratch Donald's nose.
Seymour, he is holding my trunk.
Seymour, no
elephant jokes, please.
What? Your kidding!
Of course I can! Sure, I'll
get over there right now!
Right! Okay, right! Bye!
Donald, Mr. Samuels
wants to see me
right this minute in his office.
At 8:00 at night? Yeah.
Seymour says he was
really impressed with me,
and he wants to
see me right now.
He says come over
just the way I am.
Maybe he's got an old
trunk he wants you to antique.
Donald, don't let go!
Honey, how long am
I supposed to hold it?
About four minutes. Bye.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Wait! Scratch my nose!
Oh, then I'll have
to do double duty.
So you'll take a look at her
and tell me what you think.
Well, if she's all right for
you, she's all right for me.
[knock on door] Come in.
Oh, Mr. Samuels, I was
so excited that you called.
Hello, Miss Marie. I'd like
you to meet Lionel Vernon.
He's my attorney.
Was I that bad?
No, I've been telling
Lionel about you.
I wanted him to
get a look at you.
You may be just the girl
for a part we have in mind.
[gasps] Oh, that's fantastic!
But not the one
you read for today.
Sit down, please. Oh, sure.
She's the right age, and
she's intelligent-looking.
I think so, too.
May I call you
Ann? Oh, certainly.
You up to another audition, Ann?
Anything you say, Mr. S.
Hand me that script.
[laughs] No script
this time, Ann.
I'll tell you what to do.
Something you did this
morning gave me an idea.
Really? What was that?
Well, you, uh,
dropped your script,
and you dropped
your purse, and, uh...
you were very clumsy.
Well, sure, because...
Would you do it again,
be clumsy, I mean?
Well, I... I really
don't know if I can.
I mean, you know, I... I need
the motivation as an actress.
I mean, this morning,
I wasn't really acting...
Be clumsy!
What do you think, Lionel?
I like it.
As far as I'm concerned,
she's got the part.
[laughs nervously]
It's unbelievable. It's
really unbelievable.
I mean, who's gonna believe
you're a lawyer's assistant?
You don't know
anything about the law.
I don't have to know
anything about the law.
All I have to know is how
to act, and I know about that.
Well enough to fool the judges?
Well, well enough
to... Hey! See!
That's all I have to do,
Donald. I fooled you.
All I have to do is act like
Mr. Samuels' lawyer's dumb secretary
and just make Mr. Jerome think
I'm the clumsiest thing in the world.
But why? Well, because.
Mr. Jerome says that Mr. Samuels
stabbed him with a shish-kebab,
and Mr. Samuels says that
Jerome was in this frenzy,
and he just stabbed
himself with the shish-kebab.
Yeah, but what does
that have to do with you?
Well, if I show Mr. Jerome
how clumsy I am and everything,
when he sees me
with a shish-kebab,
he'll get in such a frenzy
that he'll stab himself again,
and Mr. Samuels
will win his case.
How do you know Samuels
really didn't stab him?
Mr. Samuels told me he didn't.
Ah! Ah! [chuckles]
Some legal assistant!
Don't you know
that's just ipse dixit?
What?
Ipse dixit. Latin.
It means "he
himself has said it."
It doesn't mean a thing.
"Ipse dipse."
You're making that up.
The one with the boutonnière.
Oh. Excuse me.
Uhh!
For heaven sakes, young
lady! Oh, my goodness!
I am terribly...
You're Morgan Jerome,
the famous columnist.
Yes.
Oh, I read your
column every day!
It's such a pleasure...
Oh, here let me
get that for you.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.
Still?
Really, it's nothing
personal, believe me.
I'm Mr. Vernon's assistant.
Then we shouldn't
even be talking.
Oh, for goodness' sakes.
You've got a
smudge on your collar.
Oh, dear! I'm so sorry.
What else can I say?
Good-bye would be perfect.
Order in the court.
All rise, please.
Court is in session. Be seated.
Jerome vs. Samuels.
Council is ready for
opening statements?
Yes, Your Honor.
Oh, yes, Your Honor.
Then let us proceed. Mr. Vernon?
Yes. Miss Marie,
my papers, please?
Oh, yes, sir. Oh!
Oh, I'm, uh, so sorry.
Uh, Your Honor, I hope to
make it clear to this court...
Your Honor!
Young lady, do you
see what you're doing?
Oh! Oh, my gosh! I'm so sorry.
Oh, my gosh!
And when I went
into the nightclub,
I had no idea that William
Samuels would be there.
I mean, not that I
would have avoided it.
I'm not a coward.
I can... I can certainly take
care of myself... in a fair fight.
Objection, Your Honor.
Sustained. Just state
the facts, Mr. Jerome.
Certainly. Well,
as I say, I, uh...
I went into the
nightclub, and uh...
I spotted Mr. Samuels
and his party in progress,
and I approached him,
intending to tell him
what I thought of his play.
He turned, and the
instant he saw me,
he became enraged.
I put out my hand to
shake hands with him,
and he lunged at me,
and I was stabbed in the hand.
He stabbed you.
With what kind of weapon?
Well, it was a...
some kind of a sword.
Objection! It was no sword.
It was a shish-kebab.
Hardly a weapon.
[Lawyer] And this act was
deliberate and unprovoked?
[Jerome] Yes, yes! He
lunged at me like a madman
with that flaming shish-kebab.
Do you know why
Mr. Samuels would attack you?
Certainly.
He's not man enough
to take the criticism
I've dealt his
plays in my column.
His resentment plus his notorious
lack of self-control were responsible.
Then, of course,
there's his vindictiveness.
He told me that
someday he'd get even.
Objection, Your Honor!
Ixie Dixie! Ixie Dixie!
[pounds gavel]
Young lady! Sit
down and be quiet!
Now, where were we?
Oh. Mr. Vernon, Do you
wish to cross-examine?
Not at this time, Your Honor.
But I would like to
read into the record
an item from
Mr. Jerome's own column
which has some
bearing on his testimony.
Very well. Let's have it.
Uh, Miss Marie,
the clippings, please.
Oh, yes. The, uh, clippings.
We're waiting, young lady.
Oh, yes, sir. I'm coming.
Oh! Oh, uh, here it is.
Oh, I'm so...
Counselor, if you
can't contain that girl,
don't bring her back.
This court is
recessed for lunch.
[whispering] Here he comes.
Oh. Excuse me.
See, Donald? It's
working. It's really working.
It should. I caught
some of your act in there.
You're a smash.
You know, Mr. Samuels
hasn't said anything yet,
but I can tell he thinks I'm
doing a pretty good job of it.
If William Samuels likes
you, you're on your way.
Just think. This case
may be appealed,
and you get a
chance to play Albany
and then on to the big
time: the Supreme Court.
The only thing that
really bothers me
is I'm making an enemy
for life out of Morgan Jerome,
and he's nobody to
have as an enemy.
He's nobody to have
as a friend, either.
The first loyalty is to your
employers, so don't worry about it.
Wait till you see
my grand finale.
I have to get him so nervous
that he sticks himself
on my shish-kebab.
Your what?
Since eyewitness reports
cancel each other out
and the testimony of both
men is diametrically opposed,
I submit that a
reenactment of the situation
is necessary and justified.
Well, I have my doubts
that all of this is necessary,
but... go ahead.
Miss Marie.
Uh...
Will someone please
assist that young lady
so we can get on with it?
Order! Order!
[pounding gavel] Order! Order!
It was approximately at this
time that the incident occurred.
My shish-kebab were about ready,
and my guests were coming up
to the fire and helping themselves.
Mr. Jerome stepped into the room
approximately over there.
Oh, yes. It was at this time
that I had just presented
a young actress
with a shish-kebab.
Miss Marie, would
you substitute, please?
Oh.
She took the shish-kebab
and started to her table.
Keep away from me. Keep
away from me with that!
Stop her! Stop her!
She's a menace!
I'll sue!
I'll bring charges
against that... that jinx!
Your Honor, we rest our case.
Mr. Jerome is wrong
again, Your Honor.
This young lady is not a jinx.
She's not even clumsy.
Miss Marie? Yes, sir.
We just tried to show
how Mr. Jerome could build
up a situation in his own mind
that could cause him
to physical harm himself,
and we've certainly proven that.
In the words of the late,
great Oliver Wendell Holmes,
itsy bitsy.
Just what is it that
you're looking for?
For Jerome's column.
I wanna see if maybe he
mentioned my performance.
Were you expecting a
good review from Jerome?
Well, Donald, after all,
I was doing a
professional job, you know.
You know, that
experience in court
would make a
great idea for a play.
I'm gonna speak to
Mr. Samuels about it.
You'd be perfect for the part.
That's what I was thinking.
And I'll bet we could run a couple
of seasons with a play like that.
Yeah, you might even get a
chance to get into the movie version.
And then, of course, you could go back
to the stage to do the musical version.
And then, of course, you
could go back to the movies
to do the movie version
of the musical version.
Oh, Donald, wouldn't that be...
And they could call it
The Phantom Klutz Strikes Again.
Well, I don't know
if I like that title.
Get your hand away.
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thank you!
Has anybody ever told you
you're the cutest hat-check
girl in New York City?
Well, let me see. There
were two men today,
and then yesterday there
was that Texan, and then on...
Honey, look, you gotta be
careful in a place like this.
I mean, if a man comes up to you
with a tired old cornball
line like that... Yes?
And he happens to be clean cut
and affable and his initial are D.H.,
you should go out to lunch
with him this afternoon.
[chuckles] I'm
skipping lunch today.
Why, you can't tear yourself
away from this glamorous job?
Are you kidding?
This is the dullest.
Please. Oh, yes, sir.
23, 24.
May I help you with
your coat, madam?
The lady's coat
is the blue wool.
Yes. There you are.
Then again, the job
does have its moments.
Why no lunch, honey?
Oh, because I've been
waiting for a call from my agent.
William Samuels is auditioning
people for his new play.
So I've been kind
of waiting around
to see if Seymour's gonna
call and get me an audition.
Oh, we might as
well go to lunch.
The phone hasn't rung all day.
It's not gonna ring now.
[phone rings]
It's not Seymour.
[ring] Hello.
Oh, hi, Seymour.
Samuels won't see me.
What?
You're kidding!
Oh, Seymour, that's fantastic!
Okay! Bye!
Donald, it's fantastic!
Mr. Samuels wants to see me!
Well, it's the power
of positive thinking.
Oh, Donald, what am I gonna do?
Samuels wants to
see me right now.
Who am I gonna get to
attend the stand for me?
Honey, you're
not thinking that...
Oh, Donald, please.
I won't be gone very long.
You were thinking
that. No, honey, no!
It doesn't take
very long at all.
You don't want me to
lose this job here, do you?
And then possibly a part later?
Oh, please, Donald.
Honey, I also don't want
to run a hat-check stand.
And I also don't want
to get the mumps.
But if you look at me that
way, I'll get 'em for you.
Oh, Donald. I love you.
You're a doll. A doll.
Isn't that one of those easily
manipulated windup little things?
Excuse me, did I
leave my briefcase...
You're not the same...
No, no, no. You
want, uh... the hat girl.
♪♪ [theme]
"Perhaps someone can give you
the gift of manhood, Gerald, but not I.
I've given you all I had."
There isn't any more.
Continue, Miss Brown.
There isn't any more.
Yes. Yes, go on from there.
I mean, that's the
end of the scene.
There isn't any more.
Oh. Well, thank you, Miss Brown.
Uh...
No, you were fine, just
fine. Thank you very much.
Bye.
Who's next, Lydia?
Miss Ann Marie, Mr. Samuels.
Oh, Mr. Samuels!
I can't tell you how happy I am
to have this chance
to read for you.
Even if I don't get the part,
just the fact that
you remembered me.
You... You do remember me?
Oh, yes, of course.
We met, uh...
In the elevator.
In the... We were going up.
Oh, yes, yes.
Uh, how have you been, Mary Ann?
It's, uh, Ann Marie.
You don't remember me, do you?
No. No, I'm sorry.
Well, I guess you do meet a
lot of people in the elevator.
Uh, yes, especially going up.
Would you sit down, please?
Now, Miss Marie, in this
scene you play Norma
visiting your former sweetheart.
He's a weak, uncertain man.
On the other hand, you're
strong-willed, domineering.
The, uh, classic
emancipated female.
Ah.
Give me a script.
I was just trying
to get into the part.
Oh. Right here.
I'll read Gerald, page 37.
"Norma, oh, I'm so glad
you agreed to see me.
"I'm so grateful.
My, you haven't changed."
"Neither have you, Gerald.
You still talk in that
wounded whisper, I see."
"No, I haven't changed.
Nothing's changed.
I still need you."
"What you mean, Gerald,
is you need my spine
"since you don't
have one of your own.
"And don't cry, Gerald!
"It is so unbecoming in a man.
But then of course,
you're not a man, are you?"
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Mr. Samuels, the
morning paper's here.
Let's have it.
Uh, excuse me, Miss Marie.
There's something I want
to check here in the papers.
Oh, uh... "I might become a
man if you came back to me."
Oh. Uh... uh...
"That's not..." Oh.
"Ha! That's not
very likely, Gerald.
"I gave you every
opportunity in the past.
If only once..."
Well, go on, please.
Oh, uh...
"If only once you
could get mad, Gerald.
"If... If only once you
showed some spirit.
"I'm insulting you, Gerald.
"Why don't you do something?
Hit me. Go ahead, hit me."
Aah! Don't hit me!
Excuse me, Miss Marie.
Uh, uh, Would you
mind picking it up again?
Oh, yes, I'll pick it up.
Here. Uh... Let's see, uh...
Uh... "Hit me. Go on,
Gerald, just hit me."
"I could never do that.
You know I hate violence."
"In other people, that's
a strength, Gerald.
"In you, it's a weakness
"Look at the way you've always
knuckled under to your father.
"Why don't you
ever stand up to him?
Tell him off!"
I ought to kill him.
Your father?
Mr. Samuels, who
are you made at? Me?
Oh. No.
No, no, it's that swine
Jerome in the morning paper.
Oh, you mean Morgan
Jerome, the columnist?
Yes! Read it! Go ahead, read it!
Sure.
"That over-praised
and under-talented
charlatan of the theater..."
That must be you.
I mean, is he referring to you?
"untalented charlatan
of the theater
"is understandably
worried about our
"approaching lawsuit we hear.
"And for good reason.
"This column has
previously exposed him
as an egomaniac
and a monomaniac."
What's a monomaniac?
"On Thursday, we
shall prove him to be
a homicidal maniac as well."
The man's got a
persecution complex.
He insists I tried to kill him.
[gasps] Oh, I remember
reading about that.
Where you had some
trouble with him in a nightclub...
It was in a nightclub,
but it didn't happen.
These assault charges
are completely unfounded.
Oh, I'm sure they are.
Don't you worry, Mr. Samuels.
Decent people know better than
to believe everything they hear.
And that Jerome is nothing
but a unprincipled,
vicious gossip monger.
Oh, do you know Jerome?
No, but I've heard
a lot about him.
Well, it's my
problem, not yours.
I'm sorry to burden you with it.
Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Marie.
I just can't concentrate
on a reading this morning.
However, you did very well.
Oh, thank you. Mr. Samuels.
I hope I get another
chance to read for you
when you're in a
better frame of mind.
Of course. I'll call you.
Oh, I'll be looking
forward to hearing from you
I'll be calling you.
Aaahhh!
Was that you calling me?
No, I don't suppose it was.
Good-bye.
[knock on door] Who is it?
[Donald] The hat-check girl.
Oh, come in.
I don't know why, really,
but I picked up $4,000
worth of tips today.
Oh, Donald, you went to the bank
just so you could do that.
Right. Was it worth it?
You're worth it.
It wasn't worth it.
What are you doing
to that old trunk?
I'm transforming it.
When I get through, you
won't even recognize it.
I won't, huh? Uh-uh.
See, first, I'm gonna
mold it with all this paper,
and then I'll paint it,
and then I'll varnish
the whole thing.
And you know what
it will look like then?
Main Street, downtown Warsaw.
[laughs]
No. Anyway, it's keeping my mind
off of that terrible
interview today.
You wanna help me,
Donald? Come on.
No, no.
Oh, come on. Misery
loves company.
Honey...
Honey, you act like you never
lost out on an audition before.
Well, it's just that it
started out so well.
I mean, Samuels asking
for me and everything.
And it was all
going kind of well
and then he got so violent
over Jerome's article.
I mean, Donald,
he really got violent.
Yeah, Jerome has
that effect on people,
but very few people stab him.
Did Mr. Samuels do that?
That's what Jerome
said Samuels did,
but Samuels said he didn't.
And that's the stuff that
lawsuits are made of.
Well, I don't believe
anything Jerome says.
He's been picking on Mr. Samuels
for years in his columns.
Honey, this won't hold.
Let me see.
Oh, it's just watery.
Here, look, just hold
onto it. That's good.
Just hold onto
it till it dries...
With both hands. That's good.
Just hold on.
See? Like that, until it dries.
Good.
Don't you feel kinda stupid?
No.
[phone rings]
Now I do.
[ring]
Put your hand there.
[ring]
Hello?
[gasps] Donald, it's Seymour.
Fine. Say hello and
scratch my nose.
Oh, Donald! What's
happening, Seymour?
Honey, I'm warning you, come
scratch my nose or I'm gonna let go.
Seymour, hold on a minute. I
have to scratch Donald's nose.
Seymour, he is holding my trunk.
Seymour, no
elephant jokes, please.
What? Your kidding!
Of course I can! Sure, I'll
get over there right now!
Right! Okay, right! Bye!
Donald, Mr. Samuels
wants to see me
right this minute in his office.
At 8:00 at night? Yeah.
Seymour says he was
really impressed with me,
and he wants to
see me right now.
He says come over
just the way I am.
Maybe he's got an old
trunk he wants you to antique.
Donald, don't let go!
Honey, how long am
I supposed to hold it?
About four minutes. Bye.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Wait! Scratch my nose!
Oh, then I'll have
to do double duty.
So you'll take a look at her
and tell me what you think.
Well, if she's all right for
you, she's all right for me.
[knock on door] Come in.
Oh, Mr. Samuels, I was
so excited that you called.
Hello, Miss Marie. I'd like
you to meet Lionel Vernon.
He's my attorney.
Was I that bad?
No, I've been telling
Lionel about you.
I wanted him to
get a look at you.
You may be just the girl
for a part we have in mind.
[gasps] Oh, that's fantastic!
But not the one
you read for today.
Sit down, please. Oh, sure.
She's the right age, and
she's intelligent-looking.
I think so, too.
May I call you
Ann? Oh, certainly.
You up to another audition, Ann?
Anything you say, Mr. S.
Hand me that script.
[laughs] No script
this time, Ann.
I'll tell you what to do.
Something you did this
morning gave me an idea.
Really? What was that?
Well, you, uh,
dropped your script,
and you dropped
your purse, and, uh...
you were very clumsy.
Well, sure, because...
Would you do it again,
be clumsy, I mean?
Well, I... I really
don't know if I can.
I mean, you know, I... I need
the motivation as an actress.
I mean, this morning,
I wasn't really acting...
Be clumsy!
What do you think, Lionel?
I like it.
As far as I'm concerned,
she's got the part.
[laughs nervously]
It's unbelievable. It's
really unbelievable.
I mean, who's gonna believe
you're a lawyer's assistant?
You don't know
anything about the law.
I don't have to know
anything about the law.
All I have to know is how
to act, and I know about that.
Well enough to fool the judges?
Well, well enough
to... Hey! See!
That's all I have to do,
Donald. I fooled you.
All I have to do is act like
Mr. Samuels' lawyer's dumb secretary
and just make Mr. Jerome think
I'm the clumsiest thing in the world.
But why? Well, because.
Mr. Jerome says that Mr. Samuels
stabbed him with a shish-kebab,
and Mr. Samuels says that
Jerome was in this frenzy,
and he just stabbed
himself with the shish-kebab.
Yeah, but what does
that have to do with you?
Well, if I show Mr. Jerome
how clumsy I am and everything,
when he sees me
with a shish-kebab,
he'll get in such a frenzy
that he'll stab himself again,
and Mr. Samuels
will win his case.
How do you know Samuels
really didn't stab him?
Mr. Samuels told me he didn't.
Ah! Ah! [chuckles]
Some legal assistant!
Don't you know
that's just ipse dixit?
What?
Ipse dixit. Latin.
It means "he
himself has said it."
It doesn't mean a thing.
"Ipse dipse."
You're making that up.
The one with the boutonnière.
Oh. Excuse me.
Uhh!
For heaven sakes, young
lady! Oh, my goodness!
I am terribly...
You're Morgan Jerome,
the famous columnist.
Yes.
Oh, I read your
column every day!
It's such a pleasure...
Oh, here let me
get that for you.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.
Still?
Really, it's nothing
personal, believe me.
I'm Mr. Vernon's assistant.
Then we shouldn't
even be talking.
Oh, for goodness' sakes.
You've got a
smudge on your collar.
Oh, dear! I'm so sorry.
What else can I say?
Good-bye would be perfect.
Order in the court.
All rise, please.
Court is in session. Be seated.
Jerome vs. Samuels.
Council is ready for
opening statements?
Yes, Your Honor.
Oh, yes, Your Honor.
Then let us proceed. Mr. Vernon?
Yes. Miss Marie,
my papers, please?
Oh, yes, sir. Oh!
Oh, I'm, uh, so sorry.
Uh, Your Honor, I hope to
make it clear to this court...
Your Honor!
Young lady, do you
see what you're doing?
Oh! Oh, my gosh! I'm so sorry.
Oh, my gosh!
And when I went
into the nightclub,
I had no idea that William
Samuels would be there.
I mean, not that I
would have avoided it.
I'm not a coward.
I can... I can certainly take
care of myself... in a fair fight.
Objection, Your Honor.
Sustained. Just state
the facts, Mr. Jerome.
Certainly. Well,
as I say, I, uh...
I went into the
nightclub, and uh...
I spotted Mr. Samuels
and his party in progress,
and I approached him,
intending to tell him
what I thought of his play.
He turned, and the
instant he saw me,
he became enraged.
I put out my hand to
shake hands with him,
and he lunged at me,
and I was stabbed in the hand.
He stabbed you.
With what kind of weapon?
Well, it was a...
some kind of a sword.
Objection! It was no sword.
It was a shish-kebab.
Hardly a weapon.
[Lawyer] And this act was
deliberate and unprovoked?
[Jerome] Yes, yes! He
lunged at me like a madman
with that flaming shish-kebab.
Do you know why
Mr. Samuels would attack you?
Certainly.
He's not man enough
to take the criticism
I've dealt his
plays in my column.
His resentment plus his notorious
lack of self-control were responsible.
Then, of course,
there's his vindictiveness.
He told me that
someday he'd get even.
Objection, Your Honor!
Ixie Dixie! Ixie Dixie!
[pounds gavel]
Young lady! Sit
down and be quiet!
Now, where were we?
Oh. Mr. Vernon, Do you
wish to cross-examine?
Not at this time, Your Honor.
But I would like to
read into the record
an item from
Mr. Jerome's own column
which has some
bearing on his testimony.
Very well. Let's have it.
Uh, Miss Marie,
the clippings, please.
Oh, yes. The, uh, clippings.
We're waiting, young lady.
Oh, yes, sir. I'm coming.
Oh! Oh, uh, here it is.
Oh, I'm so...
Counselor, if you
can't contain that girl,
don't bring her back.
This court is
recessed for lunch.
[whispering] Here he comes.
Oh. Excuse me.
See, Donald? It's
working. It's really working.
It should. I caught
some of your act in there.
You're a smash.
You know, Mr. Samuels
hasn't said anything yet,
but I can tell he thinks I'm
doing a pretty good job of it.
If William Samuels likes
you, you're on your way.
Just think. This case
may be appealed,
and you get a
chance to play Albany
and then on to the big
time: the Supreme Court.
The only thing that
really bothers me
is I'm making an enemy
for life out of Morgan Jerome,
and he's nobody to
have as an enemy.
He's nobody to have
as a friend, either.
The first loyalty is to your
employers, so don't worry about it.
Wait till you see
my grand finale.
I have to get him so nervous
that he sticks himself
on my shish-kebab.
Your what?
Since eyewitness reports
cancel each other out
and the testimony of both
men is diametrically opposed,
I submit that a
reenactment of the situation
is necessary and justified.
Well, I have my doubts
that all of this is necessary,
but... go ahead.
Miss Marie.
Uh...
Will someone please
assist that young lady
so we can get on with it?
Order! Order!
[pounding gavel] Order! Order!
It was approximately at this
time that the incident occurred.
My shish-kebab were about ready,
and my guests were coming up
to the fire and helping themselves.
Mr. Jerome stepped into the room
approximately over there.
Oh, yes. It was at this time
that I had just presented
a young actress
with a shish-kebab.
Miss Marie, would
you substitute, please?
Oh.
She took the shish-kebab
and started to her table.
Keep away from me. Keep
away from me with that!
Stop her! Stop her!
She's a menace!
I'll sue!
I'll bring charges
against that... that jinx!
Your Honor, we rest our case.
Mr. Jerome is wrong
again, Your Honor.
This young lady is not a jinx.
She's not even clumsy.
Miss Marie? Yes, sir.
We just tried to show
how Mr. Jerome could build
up a situation in his own mind
that could cause him
to physical harm himself,
and we've certainly proven that.
In the words of the late,
great Oliver Wendell Holmes,
itsy bitsy.
Just what is it that
you're looking for?
For Jerome's column.
I wanna see if maybe he
mentioned my performance.
Were you expecting a
good review from Jerome?
Well, Donald, after all,
I was doing a
professional job, you know.
You know, that
experience in court
would make a
great idea for a play.
I'm gonna speak to
Mr. Samuels about it.
You'd be perfect for the part.
That's what I was thinking.
And I'll bet we could run a couple
of seasons with a play like that.
Yeah, you might even get a
chance to get into the movie version.
And then, of course, you could go back
to the stage to do the musical version.
And then, of course, you
could go back to the movies
to do the movie version
of the musical version.
Oh, Donald, wouldn't that be...
And they could call it
The Phantom Klutz Strikes Again.
Well, I don't know
if I like that title.
Get your hand away.
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA