That Girl (1966–1971): Season 3, Episode 18 - Many Happy Returns - full transcript

November 9th, 1968.

[phone rings] Oh, just a minute.

Ann Marie.

[ring]

Hello. Oh, hi, Daddy.

That's some greeting for a
man whose every thought

ever since the day you
were born has been...

I'm sorry. How are you, dear
Father whom I adore? Is that better?

Slightly, but when
you have to ask...

I'm sorry.

I was just preoccupied.



I've been pasting
things in my scrapbook.

I certainly have an awful
lot of those "also in the cast."

I really hate those
sort of billings.

I wish I'd never
started saving them.

But I guess it's too
late now. I'm committed.

That shows a
sense of discipline,

which, of course, you get
from my side of the family.

How is Mother?

12 pounds overweight.

Oh, she went off her diet?

Not at all. She just added
what was on her diet

to what she normally eats.

Anyway, she insists she can't go to
the annual Gourmet Society Banquet

because her dresses won't zip.



Aw, and you've been
planning on that for months.

[door buzzer] Just
a minute, Daddy.

Somebody's at the
door. Hold on a second.

Ms. Marie? Yes?

Cobb is my name. Leon Cobb.

Could I have about half
an hour of your time?

Oh, my gosh, no.
I'm way too busy.

I'm on the telephone, and
I'm expecting company,

and if you'll please excuse me.

Well, what's it about?
It's a financial matter.

I really don't have time
to buy anything right now.

And, you know, just
between you and me,

there's a sign downstairs
that says "No soliciting."

If they catch you going door to
door, you can get into a lot of trouble.

I've got to go
back to the phone.

Thank you so much. Good-bye.

Sorry, Daddy. It was a salesman.

When's the banquet?

Tonight. Your mother suggested

between deep knee bends
that I ask you to go with me.

I'd love to go. What do I wear?

I mean, is it
informal, semi-formal,

or down to the floor?

Well, I'm wearing
my dark pinstripe.

It goes down to the floor.
You decide accordingly.

[door buzzer] Just a minute.
Someone's at the door again.

Ms. Marie, I'm not
selling anything,

but it really is important.

Who are you? Cobb. Leon
Cobb. That's my name.

Yeah, you already told me.

I'm sorry.

I'm an agent with... An agent?

I already have an
agent, Mr. Cobb.

I'm very well represented
by Gilliam and Norris.

So thank you very much. I'm
still on the phone. Good-bye.

Hi, Daddy. What time?

7:00 will be fine.

No, no. I know what to wear.

I just have to run out and
buy a pair of stockings.

All rightie, I'll
see you at 7:00.

Okay? Okay.

Bye.

With the Department
of Internal Revenue.

Oh, for heaven's
sakes, Mr. Cobb,

would you please
tell me what you want?

Oh, certainly.

I'll try to be as brief
as possible. Thank you.

You see, I have to talk to
you about your income taxes.

For heaven's sakes, can't
we do that some other time?

I've got to go out and
do some shopping.

And a friend is coming. I have
to be dressed for dinner at 7:00.

We've written you several
letters and you haven't answered.

I'm sorry about that, but
I'm in a rush. Excuse me.

So they said to me down at the
department, "Leon, you gotta go out

and collect a whole lot of
back-taxes from that girl."

♪♪ [theme]

Back-taxes?

Gee, I don't know anything
about back-taxes, Mr. Cobb.

We mentioned it in those
letters that we sent you,

the ones you didn't answer.

Oh, yeah.

I, uh... I don't remember them.

I could've gotten them.

I'm not saying I
don't believe you,

but I must have thought
they were advertisements.

And not being interested,
I just threw them away.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, I thought I'd bring you
your final notice in person.

Final notice? About what?

You sort of owe the
government some money.

Oh. Oh.

If I do, I guess I do.

Will you take a check? Sure.

Oh, good. How much is it?

Is it a lot of money?

That depends on
your point of view.

It's really not a lot
of money... Oh, good.

If you're rich. But I'm not.

Then it's a lot of money.

Like how much a lot?

I hate to tell you.

$2,600.

$2,600?

$2,600?

It might as well be 26 million!

Yeah, not many people can put
their hands on that kind of money.

Well, I certainly can't!
My bank balance is...

Well, it's embarrassing,
that's what it is.

I can't possibly give it to you.

Oh...

They'll make me
take your furniture.

You're kidding! I wouldn't
joke about a thing like that.

But you can't do that!

You wouldn't believe the
things they've made me do.

Last week it was a house.
The week before that, a car.

It was a big house
and a brand-new car.

Pitiful.

But I already paid
last year's taxes!

This is for 1965.

1965? When was that?

It was a few years ago.

Oh, I don't know. I just
can't remember anything.

I mean, you open the door and
there's a G-Man standing there.

I'm sorry.

Oh, that's okay.

I suppose it's not your fault.

I... I just don't believe this.

Can you dispute it?

Dispute it?

I don't know. Can I?

You can if you can.

I can? I do!

Okay, I dispute it!

Is that it?

No, what I mean is you
bring your records for 1965

down to my office tomorrow
and we can talk about it.

M-My records?

Ms. Marie, you've
got to show up.

Otherwise... Otherwise what?

Terrible.

Terrible?

Attachments.

Attachments?

On your bank account
and all your assets.

And naturally, that
check that's coming in

from the commercial that
you're going to do next week.

Commercial? What commercial?

I don't know anything
about a commercial.

It's for a soap.

But my agent never said a word!

He doesn't know about it yet.

You are going to get $200!

I mean we're going to get $200.

How do you know?

We've got ways.

That's frightening.

Isn't it?

So tomorrow, be at my
office and we'll talk about it.

Please? I will. I will.

And I can't apologize enough
for not answering your letters.

Oh, don't worry. We'll
be in personal touch. Oh.

Good-bye. Good-bye, Mr., uh...

Cobb, Leon Cobb.

Yes. Good-bye, Mr. Cobb.

$2,600.

$2,600.

[banging at door] It's a
mistake! It's a mistake!

I'm the wrong Ann Marie!

Not as far as I'm
concerned. Oh, hi, Donald.

Something's the
matter. What is it?

Donald, the G-Man was here

from the Internal
Revenue Department

and these terrible attachments
are going to happen!

All right, calm down now
and tell me what happened.

This person came,
this income tax person.

His name is Cobb, Leon Cobb,

and I didn't know those
letters were from him!

You got letters about
your income tax?

Well, not exactly letters.
They were notices.

Didn't you answer them?

I didn't even open
them. Why not?

Because I thought they were ads,

and I didn't think
I'd be able to go.

Go where? To their dance.

You thought the Department
of Internal Revenue wrote you

to invite you to a dance?

Well, the Fire Department
invited me to a picnic once.

What did they say? "Would
you like to come to a picnic?"

No, I meant the Internal
Revenue Department.

Oh, them.

They said I owe them
for back-taxes for 1965.

1965?

Yeah. $2,600,
Donald! Twenty-six...

Honey, that's impossible!
I don't pay that much.

Well, sure. You're
not in the theater.

What difference does that make?

I read somewhere
that the income tax men

secretly hate
everybody in the theater.

Why?

Because we get all the applause.

Well, I doubt that very much.

I sure hope you're right.

1965...'65... Now
that was your...

That was your first year
in New York, right? Right.

Look, so what we're
going to have to do first

is we're going to have to
go through all your records.

Records? What records?

Why does everybody keep
asking me about records?

Honey, it's the only
way to determine

whether you're right
and they're wrong, okay?

So we'll go and we'll have
a nice, relaxing dinner...

Oh, Donald, I can't. I've
got a date with Daddy,

and if I break it, he's
going to want to know why.

If I tell him that I'm in trouble
with the Income Tax Department...

Okay, okay, okay. I'll stay,
and I'll work on it, and you go.

Oh, Donald, would you? Yes.

Oh, thank you, Donald.

What time is he
picking you up? 7:00.

That gives us just two hours.

I have to get dressed.

That gives us just 20 minutes.

You go and I'll stay
here and work on it.

Oh, Donald, there are no
words to express my appreciation.

Depreciation. Depreciation.

That's what we
concentrate on tonight.

Depreciation and
deduction. Whatever you say.

Okay. Okay.

Now, where do you
keep your records?

Well, that's the first thing
we're going to have to deduce.

I'm not sure I have any.

Where's your tax return?

For 1965? Yes.

I sent it to them.

But you kept a copy. I did?

Yeah, of course, in case they
decide to audit your tax four years later.

Uh-huh!

Then where would it be?

In your file. What file?

Honey, don't you keep a file?

Well, not per se.

What does "not per se" mean?

According to Webster,
"By, of, or in itself."

No, I know what it
means to Webster.

What I want to know is
what does it mean to you?

It means I don't know
where anything is!

Not anything? Not
anything, by, of, or of itself,

except my scrapbook and
my recipes. Okay, okay.

What about receipts or bills?

What good are they
after they're used?

What about important papers?

I paste them in a book.

You paste your
check stubs in a book?

No, of course not, Donald.

I throw them away. Why?

Because they're no
good. You can't cash them.

And this place is
cluttered up enough.

Honey, you must keep
some important papers.

I do, especially when I'm
not sure exactly what they are.

Where do you keep them?

I keep them with other little
extra bits and pieces of paper

up here in this
closet on the shelf.

What kind of other
bits and pieces?

Donald, they wouldn't be bits
and pieces if I knew what they were.

Naturally, naturally.
I'm sorry about that.

Could we take a look? Feel free.

Oh, I do. Not only free,
but a little light-headed.

There are two
canisters up there.

Oh, right. One of them's for bits
and pieces and important papers.

But the other one's
marked "flour."

Why do you keep
flour in the hall closet?

On account of little bugs.

What little bugs?

The little bugs that
always get in the flour.

They find it right
away in the kitchen,

so I figure if I put it up in the
hall closet... Oh, of course.

Yeah. And then up high like
that, it's doubly hard to get to.

Then the bits and pieces
must be in the other one.

Oh, Donald!

Oh, Donald, I'm sorry!

I... I tried to warn you.

Isn't that awful?

But the other can
is marked "flour."

Why put it in the can
that isn't marked at all?

Well, because... Don't tell me.

To make it more difficult
for the little bugs, right?

Oh, Donald, don't be ridiculous.

The little bugs can't read.

Now take off that sweater.

I'll rinse it out
before I get dressed.

I know those little
bugs can't read.

Why do I let her
talk to me like that?

I got most of the flour
out of the sweater.

It's drying. How are we doing?

[scoffs] Uh, we're
doing a lot better.

We actually found some
contracts in that old flour can

along with some bank statements
and four cancelled checks.

See, I knew once
you put mind to it...

But I cannot find
your W-2 forms.

My what? W-2.

Little slips of paper that tell
you exactly what you've earned.

You're making that up.

I am not.

If I were in any kind
of creative mood

at all tonight, I'd
be writing a novel.

I also found part of
your 1965 bank book.

Oh, shouldn't that help?

Yeah. Right.

Except the balance in
your checkbook for June

is different than
what the bank says.

The bank says...$67 more.

Oh, oh. I can explain that.

The difference is the money

I give the bank to
fool around with.

What?

Well, it's a surefire way

of making certain
you're never overdrawn.

You see, if
something costs $9.50,

I make out a check for that.

But in my record book, I
say the check was for $10,

That gives the
bank 50 cents extra.

See, and if you keep doing that,

little by little it mounts up.

And before you know it,
you don't have to ever worry

about the bank running
out of your money.

They always have a little
extra to fool around with.

To fool around with.
[humorless chuckle]

Is it possible in
your earnest desire

to give the bank a
sense of security,

you may also have
given them $352.82?

Of course not. Let me see that.

Oh, no. This is Ruthie Bauman's
phone number in Buffalo. See?

Line 35282.

Honey, a phone number
in the checkbook?

I didn't want to lose it. Oh.

[knocking at door]
[gasps] That's Daddy.

All right now. Take it easy.

I don't want him
to see all this stuff.

Honey, you're
mixing everything up!

Ann, you're messing
everything up! No, I'm not!

I just had to find
something to put it all in.

I just finished
sorting all of that.

[knocking at door] Just a
minute! Coming, Daddy!

You can sort it and work
on it after we've gone.

We'll be back about 11:00.

Yeah, wonderful. Thanks, Donald.

Hi, Daddy. Hello, sweetheart.

As pretty as a picture. Aw.

Uh, evening, Mr. Marie.

So are you.

Isn't that neckline
a little daring?

Oh.

Well, I, uh... I spilled
something on my sweater.

[awkward laugh]

What did you do to your pillow?

Oh, oh. Uh...

Well, this isn't my pillow, sir.

[stammering] It's just a
pillowcase full of, uh...

T-trash!

It's... it's full of trash.

You see, Donald's going to sort
out my trash and throw it out for me.

Sort it out for you?

Yes, it's a, uh... it's a
new rule in the building.

You have to sort
out the combustibles

from the non-combustibles
for the garbage.

Donald, when you get
through sorting out my trash,

you be sure and lock the door.

I just can't tell one
combustible from another

and Donald seems to
have a natural instinct for it.

Good night, Donald. Thank you.

Night.

"The World Makes Its Rounds
Show, September 28, 1965.

Also in the cast: Ann Marie."

The World Makes Its Rounds Show.

Okay, check.

[sigh]

10 after 11:00.

I'd better get out of here.

[door opens]

I never had so
much to eat in my life!

Have you been standing
there all this time?

Hi, Donald. Hi, Ann.

Hi.

Oh, do you smell good.

You know what you smell like?

Freshly baked bread.

What are you wearing?

Uh, my sweater.

It's formed a delicious crust.

Well, did you ever
have 11 courses of wine

with 11 courses of food?

No, no, can't say that I have.

How could he? Unless
they served it here.

I would think you're too
young and healthy a man

to spend an entire evening
standing in the middle of a living room

holding a pillowcase
full of trash.

Well, thank you, sir,
but I've been gone.

I just came back
for some more trash.

But I don't think I got it all,

so I'll just leave this here
and you can fill her up.

Later. Terrific.

Well, good night.

Oh, you have to go?

Yeah, I certainly
do. Don't I, sir?

You do. This is a
very tired young lady.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

I'm a little tired myself.

Good night, Ann.

Good night, sweetheart.

Good night, Daddy.

Thank you for a lovely time.

Good night, Donald.

Thank you for the lovely trash.

After you.

After you.

[banging at door]

Who is it?

Honey, it's me
Donald. Open the door!

Oh.

Just a minute, Donald.

What time is it?

It's 10 after 1:00.

What's the matter?

Honey, we've got to
finish your tax report.

Why did it take you so long?

Because your father
followed me home,

parked across the street, and waited
a half an hour after I put the lights out.

Are you an heiress or
something? I don't know.

I didn't ever hear
him mention it.

Listen, honey, there are
records I need and can't find.

Now where else
would you put papers?

Papers? Oh, I don't know.

I probably stuffed
them somewhere.

Stuffed them where
somewhere? Where somewhere?

Well, I don't know,
lots of different places.

[sigh] For instance?

For instance in a bottle
when you lose a cork.

Yeah, okay. Where
else? Where else?

Where else?

Under tables when
they rock to one side.

Okay, come on. Where else?

In salt and pepper shakers
when you lose the stoppers.

Great. Great.

A pattern is
beginning to emerge.

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

Here's a W-2 form I was missing.

See?

Well, if you find anything
else, let me know.

I already have.

The salt shakers are
a veritable goldmine.

What did I tell you?

See, where I ran into trouble
was in your checkbook, Ann.

Ann?

Ann?

Hi, honey. Donald,
I'm so glad you're here.

I'm so scared. I
don't want to go to jail!

Those awful dresses, and
they cut your hair, I think.

And how long can I ask you
to wait? Honey, I promise you,

I swear to you,
you're not going to jail.

I've checked everything out and you
simply did not make enough money

to warrant that
much additional tax.

I believe you. I hope they will.

I'm sure when they
see your record,

they're going to see there's
something wrong somewhere.

[Leon] Ms. Marie? Yes?

Will you come in, please?

Y-yes.

Yes, sir. I certainly will.

Are you her accountant?

Uh, no, no. Not
exactly. Oh, her lawyer?

No, just a personal friend.

Oh, I envy you.

Nobody around here
has any personal friends.

I'm sorry, but
you'll have to wait.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I was up all night
preparing for this meeting.

So was I.

But you'll have to understand
I don't make the rules.

Oh, but... Okay, okay.

Here's the material,
honey. It's all in there.

I've worked it all out.
Just go in and tell him.

Go ahead. Don't be afraid.

You're all right. Go ahead.

I'll be right out here.

I just want you to know
that the department

will be very fair
about this matter.

We don't want one cent
more than we're entitled to.

Which is more than enough.

You dirty, rotten,
no-good... Please.

This lady is first.

Oh, sorry.

Please sit down.
Thank you, Mr. Cobb.

There we go.

Now, let me see.

Looking over your
records last night,

I see that in 1965,
you earned $13,438.

How much?

$13,438.

That's impossible.

That's what it says here.

Oh, there!

No wonder.

Pay no attention to that.

No attention?

Of course not.
That's ridiculous.

You know I didn't
make that much.

Well, how would I know?

You have ways.

Sometimes we take your word.

Well, then, take my word.

I didn't make anywhere
near that much.

I just didn't want
my father to know.

To know what?

How little I earned that year.

You see, it was my
first year in the city

and my father had only
given me a year to make good

or else I'd have to come home.

So I wanted him to think I
was really making a go of it.

Now, when he
insisted on helping me

with my first income tax report,

well, I had to
exaggerate... a little.

But I thought surely you'd know.

[sigh] Ms. Marie...

Look, let me get my boyfriend
so he can explain it to you.

Thank you.

But I'd better
explain it to him first.

According to my figures,
using the standard deduction

and allowing one exemption,

her 1965 tax came to $508.32.

And she paid...$508.32.

You mean I'm right?
So it would appear.

[gasps] Donald!

Oh, Donald, thank you!

Now? Yes, sir.

You dirty, rotten, no-good...

Wait a minute, sir. Excuse me.

Mr. Cobb, I want to
thank you so much

for being so very helpful.

I, for one, am very grateful to
our government that we met.

And I'm gonna write a
letter to my congressman

and send the
president a fruitcake.

Good morning.

I'm sorry. You were saying, sir?

Are you trying to destroy me?

What's the matter
with you people?

I'm an honest man!

I've made a record
for every one of my...

Donald, isn't it
wonderful? It's all over with.

I told you not to worry.

Oh, my gosh! I almost forgot!

Excuse me, Mr. Cobb,
but about that commercial.

Now I get to keep
the money, right?

I'm afraid not.
You lost the job.

I did?

We suggested another
client... who needed it more.

Oh.

So it isn't so great. I
end up losing $200.

Oh, not really.
What do you mean?

Well, when you figure the
government withholds 30%... Yeah?

You're going to
have to pay New York

City and State income tax. Yeah?

You got to give your
agent 10%. Right.

Yeah, so you wind
up with about $16.

$16?

Yeah, which is about
1/2 what you'd have to pay

an accountant to
explain that to you.

So, actually, Uncle Sam
has saved you some money.

I never looked at it like that.

You know, Donald,
it's thinking like that

that makes America great.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA