That Girl (1966–1971): Season 2, Episode 26 - If You Were Almost the Only Man in the World - full transcript

It's times like this
when I almost wish

you had to go away more often.

The whole idea of
a goodbye kiss is,

it's supposed to
hold you till I get back.

And vice versa.

Remember that when
you're in Washington

where the women
outnumber the men 10-1.

My kind of town.

Hey, what about
the baseball game?

Did you find
somebody to go with?

I'm gonna go if I
have to go alone.



I wouldn't miss
that for the world.

Good.

Men outnumber women 10-1

at a ballgame, wouldn't you say?

Now that you mention it...

My kind of sport.

Goodbye, honey.

Be a good girl and
have a good time.

Make up your mind.

What happened? What happened?

Somebody got hit in the
head by Plotsky's line drive.

Who was it? Who was it?

It was that girl.

♪♪



Is she still out cold? Yeah.

Will somebody get a doctor?

Excuse me. Would
you let me through?

Just stand back and give us
some room, will you please?

Thank you.

I'm a doctor. How do you feel?

What?

I'm a little dizzy.

I can't see too good.

Don't worry. You'll
be okay. Take it easy.

How is she, Doc?

She'll be okay. Who got the hit?

Schlees. How about that, huh?

I think I'm gonna faint.

All right, all right.

Listen, I want an ambulance.

I'm gonna send her to
emergency receiving.

Low curve cutting the
corner and the side is retired.

Two hits and one left on.

Am I still at the ballpark?

You're in a hospital.

What you're
hearing is the radio.

How do you feel?

I feel a little dizzy.

I'm not surprised.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, Donald!

Hold it, angel. Hold it.

I'm so happy to see you.

I'm happy to see you, too,

but there's a time and a place.

How did you know?

When did you get here?

Look, now, you just relax
and let that sedative work.

Donald, I feel so weird.

Easy now. Ronald is here.

Ronald? Who's Ronald?

I don't know.

But you can call me Rex.

One of us is very confused.

One of us certainly is.

What happened to Washington?

They lost to the Red Sox 13-1.

Donald, will you stop that?

I don't care anything
about baseball.

I don't blame you, sweetie.

Now you go on back to sleep.

Something very mysterious
has happened to me.

That's all right.

I think I'll go back to
sleep for a little while.

That's my girl.

Excuse me for a minute.

Mm-hmm.

Poor kid. She really caught one.

It's a shame.

If Plotsky had only
straightened that one out,

he would have had a sure triple.

Donald?

No, I'm Dr. Corey.

But if you want to call me
Donald, it's perfectly all right.

Why would I want
to call you Donald?

Well, suppose you tell me.

Am I all right?

What do you think?

How should I know?

You're the doctor.

What kind of a doctor
are you anyway?

I'm the resident
psychiatrist here.

Dr. Kennedy wanted me
to have a little chat with you.

Dr. Kennedy?

But he's not real.
I made him up.

Excellent.

Oh. You mean there
really isn't a Dr. Kennedy.

Oh, there certainly is.

Well, then, what's so excellent?

I mean, if I didn't
make him up...

does he really look
that much like Donald?

Do you want him to?

What does that
have to do with it?

Does everyone look
like Donald to you?

Don't be ridiculous.

Does everybody
look flaky to you?

Fine, fine. We prefer
anger to depression.

Look, Doctor,

I don't want to tell
you your business,

but you're a very difficult
man to communicate with.

Do you think you could please
just give me a sensible answer?

Well, if I can.

Oh, you can. You can if you try.

Now, just listen carefully.

Was Donald
Hollinger in this room,

or did I dream it?

Oh, no. He couldn't have been.

He didn't even act like Donald.

What did he act like?

Flaky.

But sort of sexy
flaky. You know?

That's our Rex.

Is it possible that your
Rex and my Donald

could look that much alike?

Well, it's possible,

but, uh... highly improbable.

I must have been
very seriously hurt.

Easy, now. Considering
your condition,

it's very likely
you hallucinated.

I did?

Oh, very possibly. You see,

doctors represent
security, comfort, love.

Oh, sure.

Sure. That's it.

Then there's...
There's really nothing

for me to be upset
about, is there?

I'm sure it was only temporary.

Oh... What a relief.

What's the relief?

Oh, Donald!

Oh, Donald, I'm
so glad to see you.

Dr. Corey was just
explaining to me

that when I thought you
were the doctor before,

well, that was just temporary.

You see, what
happened, Donald, is,

when I got hit in the
head by the baseball,

I had this temporary
hallucination...

Oh, Donald?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Not again. Every
time she sees me.

They don't call you
Sexy Rexy for nothing.

It's weird.

Hmm.

I mean, you two could be twins.

Really. I mean
it... identical twins.

It's just that Donald
has blond hair

and no glasses.

It gives me the creeps.

I just react to
you automatically,

like Pavlov's dog.

Conditioned reflex.

I want to take your pulse.

My pulse is here.

I was getting there.

How am I?

Wonderful.

So much for the pulse.

What are you gonna do?

I was gonna check
your heartbeat.

Look, would you feel better if
we had a nurse in the room?

And another doctor.

Look, it's nothing
against you personally,

it's just that... well, you
remind me so much...

Look, if you want
another doctor,

you most certainly can have one.

But I want it clearly understood

that I consider it not
only a professional loss,

but a very deep
personal one as well.

Why?

I happen to dig dark hair.

Darker eyes... Especially
when they come

in a nice little neat
compact size 6

with built-in
conditioned reflexes.

I mean, that's something
that ordinarily takes

a great deal of time and
patience to accomplish.

That is not doctor talk.

However, if you don't
trust yourself with me,

perhaps Dr. Copeland.

He's about 60, a
grandfather, very tired.

Oh, it's not that.

It's just that doctors are
supposed to be special people,

like... like teachers or
high school principals.

You just don't expect
them to minister to you

and then tell you you're a
nice compact little package.

Why not? I did
it the first time.

You did what the first time?

Examined you.

You've already examined me?

Patients with concussions have
to be examined very carefully.

How carefully?

I'll call Dr. Copeland.

Oh, wait a minute. You
don't have to do that.

I mean, what's the point?

If you've already... I mean...

The harm's already
been done, Donald.

I meant no harm, surely.

My name is Ann, not Shirley.

My name is Rex, not Donald.

Did I call you Donald again?

I'm sorry.

Ann, please.

Look, let me reassure you,
I am really quite harmless.

Doctors don't ever have
time to be anything else.

Really?

I really always knew that.

Hi, there! How are you
getting along with Sexy Rexy?

I just can't thank you
enough, Dr. Kennedy,

for seeing me all the way home,

and for everything
that you've done.

You get into bed.

I'll call my exchange,
I'll be right with you.

Doctor!

Easy, now. No arguments.
Remember your concussion?

You've got to stay in bed
at least through tomorrow.

Oh! Oh. Oh, yes. Of course.

Get right into bed.
I'll call your exchange

and I'll be with
you in a minute...

I mean the other way around.

Uh, Dr. Kennedy here.

Uh-huh.

Mrs. McDougal?

Okay.

Ginger Caldwell?

Yeah. Okay. Diana Huntress?

You tell them all

I'll call them first
thing in the morning.

Okay. So long, honey.

Ready or not, here I come.

There's somebody at the door.

You get into bed. I'll go.

Where's my daughter?

Oh, Mr. Marie?

I was in town, so I
thought I'd drop by.

Where's Ann?

I just put her into bed.

You what?

There's nothing to worry about.

I'll be the judge of that.

Ann!

Daddy!

What is the meaning of this?

I know how it looks, but
please let me explain it to you.

Allow me. I am the doctor,
and she is my patient.

I know kids of your
age play house,

but aren't you a little
old to be playing doctor?

Daddy, what I'm
trying to tell you

is, he is a doctor.

What did he do, go to
instant medical school?

What I'm trying to
say is, this isn't Donald!

He's a real doctor
with dark hair.

Daddy, this is Dr. Rex Kennedy.

I don't believe it.

Would you like to
see my caduceus?

Would you like a
punch in the mouth?

Daddy!

I suppose you've
already seen it.

Mr. Marie. Here is my
identification card from the hospital.

Now, that is a caduceus...

Serpents entwined
around Mercury.

It's the medical insignia.

Everybody knows that.

What do you think I am, stupid?

Darling, what happened to you?

Oh, I'm fine. I went
to the baseball game

and got hit by a line drive.

Hit by a line drive?

I'm fine, I'm fine.
It's nothing serious.

Thank goodness for that.

Doctor, eh?

Amazing. They
look so much alike.

You can hardly tell them apart.

Been practicing long?

Five years.

Where's your office?

Park Avenue.

Park Avenue. Five years.

You must be pretty good.

Nice manner, too.

Personally, the glasses

don't make a bit
of difference to me.

Why don't I leave you two alone?

You stay with her, Doctor.
Make sure she's all right.

Bye, sweetheart. Bye, Daddy.

And you obey the
doctor's orders.

I will.

Tell Mother not to worry.

Worry? She'll be
tickled to death.

Great dinner.

Thank you.

It's the least I can do.

You wouldn't let me pay you.

Well, what should we do now?

You want to go to movie, or...

Why don't we stay here?

Oh.

Well, sure. We could
watch some television.

Oh, I think we
can find something

more exciting to do than that.

Why do we have to
do anything exciting?

For one thing, it
stimulates digestion.

I don't think I care to
have the slightest idea

of what you're talking about.

Why not trust those
conditioned reflexes of yours?

I mean, if ever a girl
had light in her eyes...

That light is for Donald,

and so are the reflexes.

Now, Don't get angry.

I'm not talking about
anything permanent.

Oh! Well then, excuse me.

If all you're talking about
is something temporary.

I'm trying to be considerate.

How can I propose to a woman?

There's nothing worse than
being married to a doctor.

Then what are you proposing,

a sort of swinging Medicare?

I am a doctor, I am not a monk.

I would accuse
you of many things.

A monk is not one of them.

What are you afraid of,

that you couldn't tell us apart?

Don't be ridiculous!

Donald and I are in love.

We have a chemistry about us.

A meeting of the minds.

We think the same way,

we like the same things.

Poppycock.

That's wish fulfillment.

You love people for
what you want them to be,

not for what they are.

That's ridiculous.

Look, by your own
admission, you reacted to me

the same way as you
react to your Donald.

I can hardly be held responsible
for a moment of insanity

after being hit in
the head by a...

By a Plotsky line drive.

I'm talking about now.

If I didn't have dark
hair and wear glasses,

you could never tell us apart.

That just isn't true.
I'd know in a second.

You're talking like a child.

Look, I do not have to
stay here and be insulted.

I thought it wasn't
my apartment.

But as you can
see, it certainly is.

Well, good night, Dr. Kennedy.

Good night.

Donald! Hi, honey!

I thought you weren't
coming home until tonight.

I didn't expect to. Oh.

Well, why didn't you call me?

I didn't have time. I got to the
airport five minutes before takeoff.

Oh.

Well... How did everything go?

Fine.

What's the matter?

The matter? Nothing, nothing.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

I just made a fresh pot.

Fine. Why are you
looking at me like that?

I'm not sure.

Donald, would you like cream
and sugar in your coffee?

Just like always.

Just slipped my mind
how you always take it.

What was that, now?

Was it black with
sugar or just black?

Black with sugar.

You always take cream!

I do not. I've never
used cream in my life.

You do so! Just the other night,

when we went out
before you went away,

you took cream in your coffee.

I did not. You did.

I did not.

I did?

Yes, because I
always take it black.

Oh. One cup of coffee coming up.

Black. No cream, no sugar.

There you are.

Donald, I was
wondering the other day,

who's your favorite author?

Ann, what's the matter with you?

Me? Nothing. I was
just making conversation.

Well, you're certainly
not yourself today.

Oh, I am. I'm just
not so sure about you.

Who's your favorite
author, Donald?

Arthur Miller.

Wrong! It's William Shakespeare.

It is not William Shakespeare.

Then why did you take me
to see The Tempest last year?

Because he's
your favorite author.

He is?

Has been for as long
as I've known you.

I think you're just deliberately
trying to confuse me.

Why would I do
a thing like that?

Okay.

One last question.

When was the first
time you kissed me?

I don't know. I don't remember.

You don't remember the
first time you kissed me?

No. When was it?

It happened to have
been on our third date.

Or was it our second?

No, no. It was our third.

Uh-huh. So you
don't know yourself.

I thought I did.

Oh, Donald. It's just that...

well, everything's been so...

You see, what happened was,

I got hit on the head
by this baseball,

and when I came to,

there was this
doctor attending me

who looked exactly like you.

No, I mean exactly.
You could be twins,

except he had black
hair and glasses.

And it was just so
confusing for me.

And he's not your ordinary,
everyday type of doctor, either.

What kind of doctor is he?

He's a... you know.

An eye doctor?

No. A swinger.

Oh. How did you find that out?

By talking to him.

Ann, now, you know
I trust you implicitly.

I know you do.

What I just can't believe

is all of the things I
don't know about you.

Come here.

You're not Donald!

You're Rex!

I told you you wouldn't
know the difference.

I knew it! I
suspected it all along.

But you didn't want to believe
it, so you weren't sure, see?

You lying person! You
horrible cheat! You terrible fiend!

You're not gonna hit
a man with glasses.

What glasses? Contact lenses.

Take those contact
lenses and get out of here!

Just a minute.

Donald?

Hi, honey.

Hi.

What kind of welcome
is that? Don't I get a kiss?

Not until I see your
driver's license.

My driver's license?

I just want to be
absolutely sure it's you.

Look, honey, I'm not even
going to pretend to understand.

I'm gonna call a doctor.

Oh, no! For heaven's
sakes, don't do that!

That's how this
whole thing started.

Well, what happened was,

I got hit in the head
by... by this baseball,

and the doctor that was
taking care of me, Donald,

looked exactly like you.

I mean it... the spitting image.

And also, he tried
to confuse me,

and convince me that he was you.

I got so confused
that after a while...

After a while?

What I mean is,
in the beginning,

I couldn't tell the
difference at all.

But then after a while,

and when I kissed him... What?

Believe me, I was every
bit as surprised as you are.

Now, wait a minute. What
do you mean, you kissed him?

Donald, you'd understand
if you could see him.

Come on, Ann. Nobody
could look that much like...

Rex! Donald, look!

This is Rex!

I came to apologize.

Come in. Come right in.

Yes, sir. Come right in.

I... I couldn't get this
stuff out of my hair.

Oh, that's too bad.

Donald, this is Dr. Rex Kennedy.

Dr. Rex Kennedy,
Donald Hollinger.

There.

I mean, here.

Now do you believe me?

You see? Look!

With your own
four eyes together.

Oh, Donald. The only
reason I kissed him

is because I thought he was you.

But then the
minute I kissed him,

I knew he wasn't you.

It was because you and I have
something special together, Donald.

I'm Rex.

I'm dead.

On the contrary.

I tried to prove a point,
and completely failed.

She really could
tell the difference.

Thank you, Rex.

Donald.

Yeah. Thank you... Rex.

What about the thing
about the two of you?

Well, actually,
there is a difference.

I mean, I'm taller than he is.

And paunchier.

He's gotta be at
least two, three,

maybe 10 years older than me.

Ann, how could you imagine...

Look at that guy.
He doesn't look...

I would ever wear
clothes like that?

We've gotta have
a talk if that's...

The tie doesn't...

He looks like he's
never been outdoors.

Can you believe that, Daddy?

They don't think
they look at all alike.

Which one are you
going to stick with?

Don't be ridiculous. You
know how I feel about Donald.

What is he going to amount to?

A writer. Nothing.

The other one, he's
got a real profession.

How can you let a
man like that get away?

Daddy!

People will always
get sick, you know.

They stop reading, but
they'll always get sick.

If you only knew how
much your mother

has always wanted
a doctor in the family.

Daddy, if Mother wants
a doctor in the family,

she's gonna have
to get one of her own.

It's me. Donald Hollinger.
See? It says so right there.

Yes, it certainly is.

Now will the real
Donald Hollinger

please take us out to lunch?

Here you go.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA