That Girl (1966–1971): Season 2, Episode 1 - Pass the Potatoes, Ethel Merman - full transcript
After auditioning for a small one-line walk-on part for a stage production of "Gypsy", Ann is excited not only to get the part, but to be chosen specifically by the production's leading lady, Ethel Merman. Ann thinks that Miss Merman may regret her decision when Ann acts more like a star struck fan than a professional actress during rehearsals. As such, Ann tries to avoid Miss Merman when they aren't rehearsing on stage. But when Donald and Ann see Miss Merman eating dinner alone in her dressing room, Donald, on a whim, asks her if she would like to join him and Ann for dinner at Ann's apartment. This act mortifies Ann, as her star struck self wouldn't even think that someone of Ethel Merman's celebrity status would even consider it. To Ann's surprise, Miss Merman not only says yes, but offers to cook dinner for them. Beyond the true star struck fans from Ann's apartment building descending on her apartment during the evening to catch a glimpse of Ethel Merman, Ann sees that a celebrity such as Ethel Merman is just a human being who has human foibles such as putting too much pepper in her stuffed cabbages.
Thank you, Miss Bridges.
My pleasure.
Next, please.
Name?
Ann... Ann... Ann Marie.
Would you walk upstage
and back, please?
Oh. Uh... any
particular kind of walk?
An ordinary walk.
Ordinary. Right.
Thank you. That's all.
That's all?
This is a one-line part, miss.
We're mostly interested
in your stage presence.
Oh.
I... I really wouldn't
mind doing a reading.
I'm prepared.
It isn't necessary.
Well, would you like to
see me walk some more?
Well, uh, we'll watch
you as you walk away.
Oh. Oh, good.
Uh, pardon me.
Yes? What is it?
Well, uh, you said you were
gonna watch me walk away,
and, uh, then
you started talking,
and I, uh, just, you
know, wondered
if I should wait till you
were through or not.
You can walk
now. We're all eyes.
Thank you.
Hi, Ed.
Oh, hi!
That's Ethel Merman!
You're early.
Well, I didn't have
anything else to do,
so I thought I'd meander over
and find out how it was going.
Incidentally... how is it going?
Fine.
We're, uh, just
about finished here.
We're casting a walk-on.
Any of those girls
look right to you?
If you don't step back,
I'm gonna yank out
every hair in your head.
As a matter of fact,
I do see someone.
Let's use... that girl.
♪♪
♪♪
Ann! Up here! Up here, Ann!
Donald! I got it!
You got it?
H-Honey, here, let's sit down
and you tell me all
about it. All right?
I want to call my
folks and tell them.
I'll be right back.
Two coffees, please.
Operator, could I please
have Brewster 279-9970?
Oh. Okay.
Oh! Well, there has
to be somebody there!
I ought to know. I was
born and raised there.
Well, could you
ring a little louder?
I know. Isn't it wonderful?
I still can't believe
it really happened.
I knew you'd be excited.
Thanks. Thanks again.
It was nice talking
to you, operator.
Bye.
I'm sorry I tied it up so long.
I just didn't mean to. I
just forgot about the time.
Well... blame it
on Ethel Merman.
I'm sorry I took so long.
Were your folks excited
when you told 'em?
Oh, Donald, the
whole town was excited
when I told them.
No wonder it took you so long.
It isn't only that
I got the part.
But Ethel Merman
herself picked me out!
Honey, I think it's great.
This is the most unbelievable,
chance of a lifetime,
incredible thing
that's ever happened to me.
Somehow, you've
managed to make "great"
sound pretty flat.
All right, tell me
about the audition.
What did you read?
I didn't read. I walked.
Walked?
That's all?
Well, they did have
me do an encore.
What kind of part is it?
Who cares? It's... it's
probably no part at all.
But it's a chance to be
on the same stage with
Ethel Merman, Donald.
Ethel Merman! Ohhh!
W-What's wrong?
What if I forget my lines?
I mean... I mean,
what if I just go up?
What if I... I could
ruin the play...
make a mockery of an
Ethel Merman production.
There'll she be in front
of thousands of people,
and I'll... I'll go... I
mean, I'll go blank!
I won't be able to
remember a thing!
All you have is
a small case of stage fright.
Wrong. All I have is a
large case of stage fright.
Why worry? You might
not have any lines.
And you can't
forget how to walk.
Donald!
What?
Bite your tongue.
Good morning, Ms. Merman.
Hi, Charlie. Hi, Ed.
Good morning, Ethel.
We're gonna start
from the top as
soon as the dancers
are finished warming up.
Okay. Holler when you want me.
Hi, kids. Hi, fellas.
How's everything going?
Good morning.
Good morning, Ethel Merman!
"Good morning, Ethel Merman"?
Good morning, Ms. Merman.
Good morning, Ethel.
Or just plain "Good morning."
"Good morning, Ethel Merman"?
I'm sure she doesn't think
you're anything of the kind.
She was probably flattered
that you were so impressed.
If I act as such a nervous
wreck just speaking,
what can she expect
of me onstage?
Honey, I'm sure a great star
like Ethel Merman understands.
Shh! That's her dressing
room. That's her dressing room.
Oh, yeah? Shh!
Will you be quiet?
What's the matter?
She doesn't want to disturb you.
You don't have to tiptoe.
I'm not the kind of person
who yells at people
for walkin' around.
Well, I just didn't
want to appear
to be excessively noisy.
Oh. Excuse me.
This is my boyfriend.
Donald Hollinger, Ethan Mermel.
How do you do, Ms. Merman?
How do you do?
I meant Ethel Merman.
Yes. I figured that.
Ann is a very great admirer
of yours, and so am I.
Oh. Thank you very much.
I'm so glad you're
with the show.
Oh, thank you.
I'm glad you're
with the show, too.
Well, I... I... I mean...
I know what you mean.
I know what you mean.
Well... nice to have met you.
A pleasure.
You see? You see?
Honey, will you stop worrying?
When are you through?
We're supposed
to be finished at 6.
I'll pick you up.
If I don't get fired first.
Then you pick me up.
♪ Funny ♪
♪ Isn't it? ♪
♪ Small ♪
♪ And funny ♪
♪ And fine ♪
♪♪
Hey, everybody, here
comes the picnic wagon!
Okay, hold it a minute.
Oh, Ann.
Yes, sir?
Could I, uh, talk
to you for a minute?
Something wrong?
Oh. Uh... no. No, no, no.
You're reading
the line real fine.
Oh, you want a
bigger smile there.
Maybe a little more energy.
How about a bigger move?
No, no, honey.
I want you to do it
without applause.
Oh. Did I applaud?
Every time Ethel
finishes a song.
Gee, I... I didn't realize.
I just think she's so
terrific when she sings.
I... I guess I just
didn't realize.
Well, we all feel the
same way you do,
but it's gonna look funny
if every time Ethel
finishes singing,
you're the only one
in the cast applauding.
The audience will think
the rest of us don't like her.
Oh, sure. I can see that.
I'm really sorry,
Mr. Burns. I... I'm very sorry.
That's all right.
Okay, kids, that's
it. See you tomorrow.
9:00 tomorrow. Top of Act II.
Good night. Good night.
Is everybody gone?
I think so. What's
taking you so long?
I just wanted to be
the last one to leave.
Why? What happened?
I don't know.
Everything I did
today was all wrong.
I didn't act like a
professional at all.
I had Brewster, New
York, written all over me.
Honey, look, I think
you're making everything
a lot worse than it really is.
I can just see Ethel Merman now.
Probably sitting at Sardi's,
telling everybody about
this silly little amateur
who just cracked up
at everything she did all day.
I don't know what
happened to me.
I just got so... so tongue-tied
and so... oh, for heaven's sake.
Oh, honey.
Honey. Sweetheart.
Now, it can't be that bad.
I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
Honey, this was your first day.
The first day on any new
job is always the roughest.
Please, Donald. I
just want to forget
about the whole mess.
As a matter of fact,
we have a whole new
mess to look forward to.
What's that?
I'm making dinner tonight.
What? What's the matter?
That's her dressing room.
Oh, so what?
Shh! Shh! Shh!
She's probably gone.
"Probably"? Check.
Oh, please double-check.
Honey, what...
Suppose she's in there.
What difference does it make?
I don't want her to see me.
Oh, please, Donald.
Get over here.
She in there? Yes.
What's she doing?
She's eating a hamburger.
Donald, will you stop joking?
I am not joking. Honey, she is
sitting in there
eating a hamburger.
How could Ethel
Merman be sitting
all alone in her dressing
room eating a hamburger?
All right. You'll see
when you walk past.
Now, will you come on?
You're right. She is
eating a hamburger.
So, that's what I told you.
Honey, okay, can we go now?
Please.
Hi.
Uh... well, good
evening, Ms. Merman.
Something wrong?
You are eating a hamburger.
Did I get your order?
Oh, no, no, not at all.
I ordered a well-done
with onions and relish
and a chocolate malt.
I didn't order anything.
Oh. Then this couldn't be yours.
No. It isn't.
Well, I'm very sorry
that we disturbed you.
Oh, but you didn't
disturb me at all.
I... I just thought maybe...
you lost something,
you know, the way
you kept... passing by
in front of my dressing room.
Oh, well, that was just...
plain ol'...walking
past a dressing room.
Yeah. That's all that was.
Well, I'm real sorry
we bothered you.
Why do you keep saying
you're bothering me?
You... you're not
bothering me at all.
Well, it's just that you're
so busy and everything.
I'm not busy, either.
I'm finished for the day.
Well, aren't you going home?
Uh, yeah, I'm going back
to the hotel in a little while.
Hotel?
Well, you see, I
live in the country.
I don't come to New
York very often, so I...
live in a hotel.
You mean... you're by yourself?
Uh-huh.
Is that your dinner?
Uh-huh.
Uh, excuse me, Ms. Merman.
I have an idea.
Would you care to join
Ann and me for dinner?
Donald! Of course Ms.
Merman wouldn't care to...
Oh, I would so care to.
It's just that I'm so
tired of restaurants.
That's why this.
Oh, no, no. We're not
goin' to a restaurant.
Ann is gonna cook.
How do you like
macaroni and cheese?
I can't stand it.
Donald, please. Of
course you can't stand it.
Well, we really have
to go. Good night.
Hey. Hey, hold it a minute.
Do you like stuffed cabbage?
One of my favorites.
I don't know how to
make stuffed cabbage.
Well, I do.
You mean you'll cook for us?
Wait a minute. I'll get my coat.
How do you feel now?
I feel wonderful.
Gee, she's really
marvelous, isn't she?
I told you.
That's what I love
about the theater.
You know what I mean, Donald?
One day you're
nobody, and the next,
Ethel Merman's
stuffing your cabbage.
Ann, wait a minute.
I saw you in the supermarket,
but I guess you didn't
hear me when I called you.
I'm sorry. Ruthie,
this is... Hi, Don.
Hi, Ruthie.
Jerry's not gonna
be home for dinner,
and I figured you were
tired of macaroni and cheese,
so I was gonna invite
you over for goulash.
But I see you got company. Hi.
Hi.
I'm Ruth Bauman,
a friend of Ann's.
I'm Ethel Merman.
Good meetin' you.
Likewise.
See you all later.
If there's anything you
need, Ann, just holler.
Yeah, right. See you later.
Come on in.
Here we are.
Say! This is nice!
It's a small apartment.
Well, small doesn't mean bad.
Where's the kitchen?
Oh, I'll show you.
It's right back here.
Ethel Merman?!
You are Ethel Merman!
I can't believe
it! I can't tell you
how much I admire
you and everything.
I can't believe it!
Ruthie, please.
I know. I'm sorry, but
I just got so excited.
I guess you and
Ann have to rehearse.
Uh, Ruthie,
I only have one
line in the play.
Ms. Merman's
just here for dinner.
You're havin' dinner here?
Well, I wa...
And I knew you when
you were a waitress!
Well, I'll get outta your hair.
Um, I guess Ann has to
get busy in the kitchen.
No, not Ann, me.
I do the cooking.
You... You're doin' the cookin'?
Will you excuse me, please?
Oh, by all means!
You're excused.
Thank you.
I can't believe it!
What's she gonna make?
Stuffed cabbage.
Oh, Ann! Save me some, please?
You finish, then
you can come over
and have dessert with us.
Oh, thanks, Ann.
I think I'll change into
something more... you know.
Formal?
Yeah. No.
W-Where is she?
Ann?
Not Ann. The one. The one.
Are you supposed to be somebody?
Well... I'm Don Hollinger.
Who's that?
Uh, no one in particular.
Who are you?
I'm Mrs. Brentano
from the third floor.
They told me at the supermarket
that Ann was with a celebrity
but I didn't get the name.
Oh, that.
Who is it?
Ethel Merman.
Who?
Ethel Merman.
Ethel Merman.
I don't think that was the name.
Well... well, that's who it was.
I'll double-check with the man
at the checkout counter.
Okay, you do that.
Of course I'll do
it! I love celebrities.
Once I saw Bert Parks in a cab.
Oh, Don, I need another
half pound of chopped meat
and some garlic. Would you mind?
Not at all. I'll be right back.
Ann, you home? Ann?
Hello.
Hi.
Um, I'm Ann's father.
Do you... you happen
to know where she is?
Oh. She went across the hall
to get me a bigger skillet.
Excuse me, please.
Uh, you look vaguely familiar.
Have we ever met?
I don't think so. I'm Ethel.
I'm Lou.
Oh, hiya, Lou.
Hand me the pepper,
will you, please?
Yeah. Sure. There you are.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Are you a cook?
I like to think so.
What are you making?
Stuffed cabbage.
I suppose you know
that my daughter is an actress.
Uh-huh.
Too much tomato paste.
Are you a critic?
No, I own a restaurant.
Have you ever seen my
daughter on the stage?
Uh-huh.
Easy on the vinegar.
She's pretty good, isn't she?
Mmm, she's not bad.
What do you mean, not bad?
I mean she'll get better.
Give me back the
pepper, will you?
You've put in enough pepper!
Look, why are you trying
to start trouble around here?
Just give me back the pepper.
I'm trying to make dinner!
You're trying to ruin dinner!
My daughter won a drama
award at Brewster College!
You didn't know that, did you?
No, I didn't!
But will you give
me back the pepper?
They don't give that
award to just anybody.
Stuffed cabbage
happens to be my specialty!
Pepper! That's your specialty!
Why don't you take
the word of an expert?
Expert? Let me
tell you something!
I could write a book
about what you don't know
about stuffed cabbage!
Yelling will get you noplace!
If you think this is yelling,
you ain't heard yelling.
Listen!
Daddy!
Will you tell this lady,
whoever she is, who I am?
Tell her who knows
about cooking?
Yes. This is my father.
He knows about cooking.
Daddy, this is Ethel Merman.
I knew it wasn't Betty Crocker!
Who?
Ethel Merman, Daddy!
The Miss Ethel Merman,
the star of Gypsy,
with whom I am lucky enough
to have a small part this week.
Well, I'll be darned.
I saw you in the show Oklahoma!
The only reason I
didn't recognize you,
I had a bad seat. I was
way up in the balcony,
and I couldn't... Uh, Daddy.
Ms. Merman's never
been in Oklahoma!
See? If you don't know
anything about musicals,
how would you know
about stuffed cabbage?
Daddy, why don't you go relax
and read the newspaper?
Well, I think I'm needed here.
However... Good. Good.
Just take it easy.
You know, my father's
been a staunch admirer
of yours for years, Ms. Merman.
Well, you know, there
are a lot of people
who can take or
leave me on the stage.
But in a kitchen,
I'm unbeatable.
Is there something
I can do for you?
Yes, you can get me
those little onions over there.
Little onions. Right. Right.
Right away. Here I come.
Oh, my gosh! Oh, I'm sorry.
I just don't know what's
the matter with me.
You gotta pull
yourself together.
Ms. Merman, I gotta
tell you something.
I've been a nervous
wreck for almost a week.
I think I've got 'em all.
Well, what are you
so nervous about?
Well, it's just that...
I've got so much
respect for you.
Well, I have a lot of
respect for you, too.
For me? Why?
Well, because you're
just getting started.
It's gonna be a
lot tougher on you
than it ever was for me.
Competition is tougher.
It couldn't have
been easy for you.
It's never easy.
I can remember
my first club job.
I got out there, and I sang...
♪ After you've gone... ♪
You must have been terrific.
I got fired. The customers
thought I was too loud.
Did you ever hear anything
so ridiculous in your life?
Never!
Of course.
Ann, let me give you a tip.
Now, say, for instance,
this is the audience.
You must always
let the audience know
that you're enjoying what
you're doing out there. See?
And if you ever feel nervous,
you just reach out.
Just reach out.
Yeah, and you grab
'em by the throat!
Grab 'em by the throat?
Yes. And then you shake 'em.
Shake 'em!
No, I mean really shake 'em!
Really shake 'em! Yes, ma'am!
And then you let out, out, out!
Out! Out! Out!
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Roses ♪
♪ Roses ♪
♪ Everything's coming up roses ♪
♪ Yes, ma'am ♪
♪ You got it ♪
♪ I got it ♪
♪ Have you got a bay leaf? ♪
♪ A bay leaf ♪
♪ I'll get it next door ♪
♪ After you've gone ♪
Too loud.
Here's coffee, everybody.
Does anybody want anything else?
Yeah. Any more cabbage left?
Oh, there's only one piece left,
and I promised that to Mrs.
Heffner for the fourth floor.
The whole floor?
Well, everybody gets a bite,
just so they can say they
had dinner with Ethel Merman.
I'll go. I'll go.
Miss Merman! Sing
something! Just one...
Please sing one little thing.
♪ There's no business
like show business ♪
♪ Like no business I know ♪
Oh, brava! Brava!
See how little it takes
to make people happy?
Here. How does that look?
Looks like a bowl of fruit.
Honey, I'm tellin'
you, this has been
one exciting
evening around here.
I know. Isn't she
marvelous, Donald?
I mean, she's really the
most wonderful person
I've ever met.
See? And look how
worried you were.
Well, when someone
meets an idol, Donald,
you can't help
but fall apart a little
the first time you meet them.
That's right. But
then she turns out
to be a perfectly
normal human being,
fallible enough to
understand your shortcomings
because she's capable
of making mistakes herself.
I know. That's why
I'm so crazy about her.
She put too much pepper
in the stuffed cabbage.
And that reminds me.
Once I did a show
in Atlantic City,
and... hey, what time is it?
Uh, almost 11.
Almost 11:00! Well, that's it.
Beddy-bye time. Zero hour.
Aww... No, no, no.
I gotta get some sleep
if I'm gonna hit high
"J" over "R" tomorrow.
Ann?
Over here! Over here!
Oh.
Oh, no. Oh, please don't go.
Come here.
I hate to tell you this,
but I'm leaving
you with the dishes.
It's my pleasure.
Gee, I'm so glad you came over.
You're a lucky
girl. You're pretty...
and talented...
and you've got nice friends.
Thanks for a wonderful evening.
Thank you.
Bye.
Step aside, folks.
No autographs, please.
Ms. Merman's got a
show to do tomorrow.
Please, step aside, folks.
Good night, everybody.
Good-bye. Good night, Ann.
Good night, Ethel Merman.
♪ Curtain up ♪
♪ Light the lights ♪
♪ You've got nothin'
to hit but the heights ♪
♪ You'll be swell ♪
♪ You'll be great ♪
♪ I can tell ♪
♪ Just you wait ♪
♪ That lucky star I talk about ♪
♪ Is due ♪
♪ Honey, everything's ♪
♪ Comin' up roses ♪
♪ And daffodils ♪
♪ Everything's ♪
♪ Comin' up ♪
♪ Roses for me ♪
♪ And for ♪
♪ You ♪
♪♪
Oh, it was great!
You were just terrific!
Oh, so were you.
What a delivery.
They could've heard
you in Honolulu.
Say, was that your
father out there?
Yeah, the first row.
You know, he was right
about that stuffed cabbage.
I've had heartburn
for three days.
♪♪
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
My pleasure.
Next, please.
Name?
Ann... Ann... Ann Marie.
Would you walk upstage
and back, please?
Oh. Uh... any
particular kind of walk?
An ordinary walk.
Ordinary. Right.
Thank you. That's all.
That's all?
This is a one-line part, miss.
We're mostly interested
in your stage presence.
Oh.
I... I really wouldn't
mind doing a reading.
I'm prepared.
It isn't necessary.
Well, would you like to
see me walk some more?
Well, uh, we'll watch
you as you walk away.
Oh. Oh, good.
Uh, pardon me.
Yes? What is it?
Well, uh, you said you were
gonna watch me walk away,
and, uh, then
you started talking,
and I, uh, just, you
know, wondered
if I should wait till you
were through or not.
You can walk
now. We're all eyes.
Thank you.
Hi, Ed.
Oh, hi!
That's Ethel Merman!
You're early.
Well, I didn't have
anything else to do,
so I thought I'd meander over
and find out how it was going.
Incidentally... how is it going?
Fine.
We're, uh, just
about finished here.
We're casting a walk-on.
Any of those girls
look right to you?
If you don't step back,
I'm gonna yank out
every hair in your head.
As a matter of fact,
I do see someone.
Let's use... that girl.
♪♪
♪♪
Ann! Up here! Up here, Ann!
Donald! I got it!
You got it?
H-Honey, here, let's sit down
and you tell me all
about it. All right?
I want to call my
folks and tell them.
I'll be right back.
Two coffees, please.
Operator, could I please
have Brewster 279-9970?
Oh. Okay.
Oh! Well, there has
to be somebody there!
I ought to know. I was
born and raised there.
Well, could you
ring a little louder?
I know. Isn't it wonderful?
I still can't believe
it really happened.
I knew you'd be excited.
Thanks. Thanks again.
It was nice talking
to you, operator.
Bye.
I'm sorry I tied it up so long.
I just didn't mean to. I
just forgot about the time.
Well... blame it
on Ethel Merman.
I'm sorry I took so long.
Were your folks excited
when you told 'em?
Oh, Donald, the
whole town was excited
when I told them.
No wonder it took you so long.
It isn't only that
I got the part.
But Ethel Merman
herself picked me out!
Honey, I think it's great.
This is the most unbelievable,
chance of a lifetime,
incredible thing
that's ever happened to me.
Somehow, you've
managed to make "great"
sound pretty flat.
All right, tell me
about the audition.
What did you read?
I didn't read. I walked.
Walked?
That's all?
Well, they did have
me do an encore.
What kind of part is it?
Who cares? It's... it's
probably no part at all.
But it's a chance to be
on the same stage with
Ethel Merman, Donald.
Ethel Merman! Ohhh!
W-What's wrong?
What if I forget my lines?
I mean... I mean,
what if I just go up?
What if I... I could
ruin the play...
make a mockery of an
Ethel Merman production.
There'll she be in front
of thousands of people,
and I'll... I'll go... I
mean, I'll go blank!
I won't be able to
remember a thing!
All you have is
a small case of stage fright.
Wrong. All I have is a
large case of stage fright.
Why worry? You might
not have any lines.
And you can't
forget how to walk.
Donald!
What?
Bite your tongue.
Good morning, Ms. Merman.
Hi, Charlie. Hi, Ed.
Good morning, Ethel.
We're gonna start
from the top as
soon as the dancers
are finished warming up.
Okay. Holler when you want me.
Hi, kids. Hi, fellas.
How's everything going?
Good morning.
Good morning, Ethel Merman!
"Good morning, Ethel Merman"?
Good morning, Ms. Merman.
Good morning, Ethel.
Or just plain "Good morning."
"Good morning, Ethel Merman"?
I'm sure she doesn't think
you're anything of the kind.
She was probably flattered
that you were so impressed.
If I act as such a nervous
wreck just speaking,
what can she expect
of me onstage?
Honey, I'm sure a great star
like Ethel Merman understands.
Shh! That's her dressing
room. That's her dressing room.
Oh, yeah? Shh!
Will you be quiet?
What's the matter?
She doesn't want to disturb you.
You don't have to tiptoe.
I'm not the kind of person
who yells at people
for walkin' around.
Well, I just didn't
want to appear
to be excessively noisy.
Oh. Excuse me.
This is my boyfriend.
Donald Hollinger, Ethan Mermel.
How do you do, Ms. Merman?
How do you do?
I meant Ethel Merman.
Yes. I figured that.
Ann is a very great admirer
of yours, and so am I.
Oh. Thank you very much.
I'm so glad you're
with the show.
Oh, thank you.
I'm glad you're
with the show, too.
Well, I... I... I mean...
I know what you mean.
I know what you mean.
Well... nice to have met you.
A pleasure.
You see? You see?
Honey, will you stop worrying?
When are you through?
We're supposed
to be finished at 6.
I'll pick you up.
If I don't get fired first.
Then you pick me up.
♪ Funny ♪
♪ Isn't it? ♪
♪ Small ♪
♪ And funny ♪
♪ And fine ♪
♪♪
Hey, everybody, here
comes the picnic wagon!
Okay, hold it a minute.
Oh, Ann.
Yes, sir?
Could I, uh, talk
to you for a minute?
Something wrong?
Oh. Uh... no. No, no, no.
You're reading
the line real fine.
Oh, you want a
bigger smile there.
Maybe a little more energy.
How about a bigger move?
No, no, honey.
I want you to do it
without applause.
Oh. Did I applaud?
Every time Ethel
finishes a song.
Gee, I... I didn't realize.
I just think she's so
terrific when she sings.
I... I guess I just
didn't realize.
Well, we all feel the
same way you do,
but it's gonna look funny
if every time Ethel
finishes singing,
you're the only one
in the cast applauding.
The audience will think
the rest of us don't like her.
Oh, sure. I can see that.
I'm really sorry,
Mr. Burns. I... I'm very sorry.
That's all right.
Okay, kids, that's
it. See you tomorrow.
9:00 tomorrow. Top of Act II.
Good night. Good night.
Is everybody gone?
I think so. What's
taking you so long?
I just wanted to be
the last one to leave.
Why? What happened?
I don't know.
Everything I did
today was all wrong.
I didn't act like a
professional at all.
I had Brewster, New
York, written all over me.
Honey, look, I think
you're making everything
a lot worse than it really is.
I can just see Ethel Merman now.
Probably sitting at Sardi's,
telling everybody about
this silly little amateur
who just cracked up
at everything she did all day.
I don't know what
happened to me.
I just got so... so tongue-tied
and so... oh, for heaven's sake.
Oh, honey.
Honey. Sweetheart.
Now, it can't be that bad.
I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
Honey, this was your first day.
The first day on any new
job is always the roughest.
Please, Donald. I
just want to forget
about the whole mess.
As a matter of fact,
we have a whole new
mess to look forward to.
What's that?
I'm making dinner tonight.
What? What's the matter?
That's her dressing room.
Oh, so what?
Shh! Shh! Shh!
She's probably gone.
"Probably"? Check.
Oh, please double-check.
Honey, what...
Suppose she's in there.
What difference does it make?
I don't want her to see me.
Oh, please, Donald.
Get over here.
She in there? Yes.
What's she doing?
She's eating a hamburger.
Donald, will you stop joking?
I am not joking. Honey, she is
sitting in there
eating a hamburger.
How could Ethel
Merman be sitting
all alone in her dressing
room eating a hamburger?
All right. You'll see
when you walk past.
Now, will you come on?
You're right. She is
eating a hamburger.
So, that's what I told you.
Honey, okay, can we go now?
Please.
Hi.
Uh... well, good
evening, Ms. Merman.
Something wrong?
You are eating a hamburger.
Did I get your order?
Oh, no, no, not at all.
I ordered a well-done
with onions and relish
and a chocolate malt.
I didn't order anything.
Oh. Then this couldn't be yours.
No. It isn't.
Well, I'm very sorry
that we disturbed you.
Oh, but you didn't
disturb me at all.
I... I just thought maybe...
you lost something,
you know, the way
you kept... passing by
in front of my dressing room.
Oh, well, that was just...
plain ol'...walking
past a dressing room.
Yeah. That's all that was.
Well, I'm real sorry
we bothered you.
Why do you keep saying
you're bothering me?
You... you're not
bothering me at all.
Well, it's just that you're
so busy and everything.
I'm not busy, either.
I'm finished for the day.
Well, aren't you going home?
Uh, yeah, I'm going back
to the hotel in a little while.
Hotel?
Well, you see, I
live in the country.
I don't come to New
York very often, so I...
live in a hotel.
You mean... you're by yourself?
Uh-huh.
Is that your dinner?
Uh-huh.
Uh, excuse me, Ms. Merman.
I have an idea.
Would you care to join
Ann and me for dinner?
Donald! Of course Ms.
Merman wouldn't care to...
Oh, I would so care to.
It's just that I'm so
tired of restaurants.
That's why this.
Oh, no, no. We're not
goin' to a restaurant.
Ann is gonna cook.
How do you like
macaroni and cheese?
I can't stand it.
Donald, please. Of
course you can't stand it.
Well, we really have
to go. Good night.
Hey. Hey, hold it a minute.
Do you like stuffed cabbage?
One of my favorites.
I don't know how to
make stuffed cabbage.
Well, I do.
You mean you'll cook for us?
Wait a minute. I'll get my coat.
How do you feel now?
I feel wonderful.
Gee, she's really
marvelous, isn't she?
I told you.
That's what I love
about the theater.
You know what I mean, Donald?
One day you're
nobody, and the next,
Ethel Merman's
stuffing your cabbage.
Ann, wait a minute.
I saw you in the supermarket,
but I guess you didn't
hear me when I called you.
I'm sorry. Ruthie,
this is... Hi, Don.
Hi, Ruthie.
Jerry's not gonna
be home for dinner,
and I figured you were
tired of macaroni and cheese,
so I was gonna invite
you over for goulash.
But I see you got company. Hi.
Hi.
I'm Ruth Bauman,
a friend of Ann's.
I'm Ethel Merman.
Good meetin' you.
Likewise.
See you all later.
If there's anything you
need, Ann, just holler.
Yeah, right. See you later.
Come on in.
Here we are.
Say! This is nice!
It's a small apartment.
Well, small doesn't mean bad.
Where's the kitchen?
Oh, I'll show you.
It's right back here.
Ethel Merman?!
You are Ethel Merman!
I can't believe
it! I can't tell you
how much I admire
you and everything.
I can't believe it!
Ruthie, please.
I know. I'm sorry, but
I just got so excited.
I guess you and
Ann have to rehearse.
Uh, Ruthie,
I only have one
line in the play.
Ms. Merman's
just here for dinner.
You're havin' dinner here?
Well, I wa...
And I knew you when
you were a waitress!
Well, I'll get outta your hair.
Um, I guess Ann has to
get busy in the kitchen.
No, not Ann, me.
I do the cooking.
You... You're doin' the cookin'?
Will you excuse me, please?
Oh, by all means!
You're excused.
Thank you.
I can't believe it!
What's she gonna make?
Stuffed cabbage.
Oh, Ann! Save me some, please?
You finish, then
you can come over
and have dessert with us.
Oh, thanks, Ann.
I think I'll change into
something more... you know.
Formal?
Yeah. No.
W-Where is she?
Ann?
Not Ann. The one. The one.
Are you supposed to be somebody?
Well... I'm Don Hollinger.
Who's that?
Uh, no one in particular.
Who are you?
I'm Mrs. Brentano
from the third floor.
They told me at the supermarket
that Ann was with a celebrity
but I didn't get the name.
Oh, that.
Who is it?
Ethel Merman.
Who?
Ethel Merman.
Ethel Merman.
I don't think that was the name.
Well... well, that's who it was.
I'll double-check with the man
at the checkout counter.
Okay, you do that.
Of course I'll do
it! I love celebrities.
Once I saw Bert Parks in a cab.
Oh, Don, I need another
half pound of chopped meat
and some garlic. Would you mind?
Not at all. I'll be right back.
Ann, you home? Ann?
Hello.
Hi.
Um, I'm Ann's father.
Do you... you happen
to know where she is?
Oh. She went across the hall
to get me a bigger skillet.
Excuse me, please.
Uh, you look vaguely familiar.
Have we ever met?
I don't think so. I'm Ethel.
I'm Lou.
Oh, hiya, Lou.
Hand me the pepper,
will you, please?
Yeah. Sure. There you are.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Are you a cook?
I like to think so.
What are you making?
Stuffed cabbage.
I suppose you know
that my daughter is an actress.
Uh-huh.
Too much tomato paste.
Are you a critic?
No, I own a restaurant.
Have you ever seen my
daughter on the stage?
Uh-huh.
Easy on the vinegar.
She's pretty good, isn't she?
Mmm, she's not bad.
What do you mean, not bad?
I mean she'll get better.
Give me back the
pepper, will you?
You've put in enough pepper!
Look, why are you trying
to start trouble around here?
Just give me back the pepper.
I'm trying to make dinner!
You're trying to ruin dinner!
My daughter won a drama
award at Brewster College!
You didn't know that, did you?
No, I didn't!
But will you give
me back the pepper?
They don't give that
award to just anybody.
Stuffed cabbage
happens to be my specialty!
Pepper! That's your specialty!
Why don't you take
the word of an expert?
Expert? Let me
tell you something!
I could write a book
about what you don't know
about stuffed cabbage!
Yelling will get you noplace!
If you think this is yelling,
you ain't heard yelling.
Listen!
Daddy!
Will you tell this lady,
whoever she is, who I am?
Tell her who knows
about cooking?
Yes. This is my father.
He knows about cooking.
Daddy, this is Ethel Merman.
I knew it wasn't Betty Crocker!
Who?
Ethel Merman, Daddy!
The Miss Ethel Merman,
the star of Gypsy,
with whom I am lucky enough
to have a small part this week.
Well, I'll be darned.
I saw you in the show Oklahoma!
The only reason I
didn't recognize you,
I had a bad seat. I was
way up in the balcony,
and I couldn't... Uh, Daddy.
Ms. Merman's never
been in Oklahoma!
See? If you don't know
anything about musicals,
how would you know
about stuffed cabbage?
Daddy, why don't you go relax
and read the newspaper?
Well, I think I'm needed here.
However... Good. Good.
Just take it easy.
You know, my father's
been a staunch admirer
of yours for years, Ms. Merman.
Well, you know, there
are a lot of people
who can take or
leave me on the stage.
But in a kitchen,
I'm unbeatable.
Is there something
I can do for you?
Yes, you can get me
those little onions over there.
Little onions. Right. Right.
Right away. Here I come.
Oh, my gosh! Oh, I'm sorry.
I just don't know what's
the matter with me.
You gotta pull
yourself together.
Ms. Merman, I gotta
tell you something.
I've been a nervous
wreck for almost a week.
I think I've got 'em all.
Well, what are you
so nervous about?
Well, it's just that...
I've got so much
respect for you.
Well, I have a lot of
respect for you, too.
For me? Why?
Well, because you're
just getting started.
It's gonna be a
lot tougher on you
than it ever was for me.
Competition is tougher.
It couldn't have
been easy for you.
It's never easy.
I can remember
my first club job.
I got out there, and I sang...
♪ After you've gone... ♪
You must have been terrific.
I got fired. The customers
thought I was too loud.
Did you ever hear anything
so ridiculous in your life?
Never!
Of course.
Ann, let me give you a tip.
Now, say, for instance,
this is the audience.
You must always
let the audience know
that you're enjoying what
you're doing out there. See?
And if you ever feel nervous,
you just reach out.
Just reach out.
Yeah, and you grab
'em by the throat!
Grab 'em by the throat?
Yes. And then you shake 'em.
Shake 'em!
No, I mean really shake 'em!
Really shake 'em! Yes, ma'am!
And then you let out, out, out!
Out! Out! Out!
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Roses ♪
♪ Roses ♪
♪ Everything's coming up roses ♪
♪ Yes, ma'am ♪
♪ You got it ♪
♪ I got it ♪
♪ Have you got a bay leaf? ♪
♪ A bay leaf ♪
♪ I'll get it next door ♪
♪ After you've gone ♪
Too loud.
Here's coffee, everybody.
Does anybody want anything else?
Yeah. Any more cabbage left?
Oh, there's only one piece left,
and I promised that to Mrs.
Heffner for the fourth floor.
The whole floor?
Well, everybody gets a bite,
just so they can say they
had dinner with Ethel Merman.
I'll go. I'll go.
Miss Merman! Sing
something! Just one...
Please sing one little thing.
♪ There's no business
like show business ♪
♪ Like no business I know ♪
Oh, brava! Brava!
See how little it takes
to make people happy?
Here. How does that look?
Looks like a bowl of fruit.
Honey, I'm tellin'
you, this has been
one exciting
evening around here.
I know. Isn't she
marvelous, Donald?
I mean, she's really the
most wonderful person
I've ever met.
See? And look how
worried you were.
Well, when someone
meets an idol, Donald,
you can't help
but fall apart a little
the first time you meet them.
That's right. But
then she turns out
to be a perfectly
normal human being,
fallible enough to
understand your shortcomings
because she's capable
of making mistakes herself.
I know. That's why
I'm so crazy about her.
She put too much pepper
in the stuffed cabbage.
And that reminds me.
Once I did a show
in Atlantic City,
and... hey, what time is it?
Uh, almost 11.
Almost 11:00! Well, that's it.
Beddy-bye time. Zero hour.
Aww... No, no, no.
I gotta get some sleep
if I'm gonna hit high
"J" over "R" tomorrow.
Ann?
Over here! Over here!
Oh.
Oh, no. Oh, please don't go.
Come here.
I hate to tell you this,
but I'm leaving
you with the dishes.
It's my pleasure.
Gee, I'm so glad you came over.
You're a lucky
girl. You're pretty...
and talented...
and you've got nice friends.
Thanks for a wonderful evening.
Thank you.
Bye.
Step aside, folks.
No autographs, please.
Ms. Merman's got a
show to do tomorrow.
Please, step aside, folks.
Good night, everybody.
Good-bye. Good night, Ann.
Good night, Ethel Merman.
♪ Curtain up ♪
♪ Light the lights ♪
♪ You've got nothin'
to hit but the heights ♪
♪ You'll be swell ♪
♪ You'll be great ♪
♪ I can tell ♪
♪ Just you wait ♪
♪ That lucky star I talk about ♪
♪ Is due ♪
♪ Honey, everything's ♪
♪ Comin' up roses ♪
♪ And daffodils ♪
♪ Everything's ♪
♪ Comin' up ♪
♪ Roses for me ♪
♪ And for ♪
♪ You ♪
♪♪
Oh, it was great!
You were just terrific!
Oh, so were you.
What a delivery.
They could've heard
you in Honolulu.
Say, was that your
father out there?
Yeah, the first row.
You know, he was right
about that stuffed cabbage.
I've had heartburn
for three days.
♪♪
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA