That Girl (1966–1971): Season 1, Episode 30 - The Mating Game - full transcript

Donald needs an angle for the plum assignment he has about writing an article, with his own byline, on the television dating show, "The Mating Game", where an eligible bachelorette asks three unseen eligible bachelors relationship and dating questions upon which she chooses one to go out on a date paid by the show. Don believes the angle is to get a girl on the show who he knows to provide him with a first hand account, without telling the show's producers that he's planted a female contestant. He asks Ann, who initially declines since she isn't "eligible", but ultimately agrees if only to help Don while giving her and thus her acting career national exposure. Ann does manage to get on the show, but after her interview, the show's producer, Eddie Turner, thinks that Don would make a perfect bachelor contestant on the same show as Ann's. Don agrees, but isn't allowed to tell Ann, and as such he also decides to disguise his voice on the show so that she won't know it's him. Don believes there is no way Ann won't choose him, but even if she doesn't, he thinks he has a way to ensure that Ann won't connect permanently with her chosen bachelor, as so often happens with the show's contestants.

[Donald] Yes, sir.

Well, yes sir, yes.

Uh... yes, sir.

Of course, I'm
grateful, Mr. Hamlin.

Uh... yes sir.

I realize that, sir. It's
a good break for me.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Thank you very much, sir.

I'll get right on it.

Bye, sir.

As soon as you stop
groveling and get off your knees,



you'll get right on what?

Jerry...

Jerry, have you ever
heard of a television show

called "The Mating Game"?

Sure, it's your
secretary's favorite.

She can tell you all about it.

Is that right? Oh.

Nancy, would you come
in here a second, please?

Thank you.

Is that the assignment?

A feature article,
my own byline.

Yes, sir?

Nancy, you watch "The Mating
Game". Will you tell me about it?

[Nancy] Oh well,
it's really groovy.



They get this girl, and these three
men who never seen each other before.

And the girl asks the
guys personal questions.

And then the guy tries to be
witty and say something funny.

Sometimes he says something
embarrassing and everybody laughs.

Then the girl goes
out with one of them.

Well, it's sorta
like a cocktail party.

Well, thank you. I guess.

Is that all?

Yes Nancy, that's
all. Thank you.

Don, if you don't feel
it's your thing, tell Hamlin.

No, no, no, it's
fine. If I can just find

an interesting slant on it.

Well, uh... mull it over.

Maybe something
will occur to you.

I just mulled!

I personalize it, find
a girl, put her on the

show and write her
experiences first hand.

Not bad. [phone ringing]

Wait.

Yes?

Perfect! Send her in.

You think you can
find a guinea pig?

I've got one. Only she's
more like a pussy cat. Who?

Hi Donald.

That girl!

♪♪ [theme song]

Uh... well, uh.

Well now, how about a little lunch
to celebrate? To celebrate what?

We'll talk about it
in the restaurant.

No, no, we'll talk about it here. I
hate to make a scene in public.

Okay, okay. Make
yourself comfortable.

[Donald] Uh... let's see.

You're an actress, right?

There's a rumor to that effect.

What's the best
thing for an actress?

Acting.

Wrong, exposure.

Ann, how would you
like to appear on network

television in front
of 30 million people?

As what?

As Ann Marie, bright,
lovely and charming.

All right Donald, now let's
start again. And this time,

try it one simple declarative
sentence at a time.

I've been assigned to do a story on a
television show called the "Mating Game".

Next sentence. I want you to
be a contestant on that show.

Next.

Recording a subject's reactions
to the whole experience from start

to finish, will give
me the angle I need.

Is me the subject?

No. Me is the predicate,
you is the subject.

I don't wanna be the subject,
Donald. Now, I've seen that show.

And girls only go on
that to meet boyfriends.

I already have a boyfriend.

Right. A boyfriend who is
asking you to do him a favor.

Well I just can't do that.

I mean, stand up on that stage.

I'm an actress. I know
how to do acting parts.

What if I make a fool of myself
in front of all those people?

Look Ann, there
isn't that much to do.

You just go up and talk to
the producer and charm him

so he puts you on the
show. It's no big deal.

Not to you.

I'm the one who has to ask those
strange boys all those personal questions.

Do you believe in
love at first sight?

And do you kiss on
a first date? And...

Oh, I thought you
two went to lunch.

Well, we're just about to.

Jerry, what would you say
if one night you turned on

your television
set, and there I was,

flirting with three strange men?

I'd say: "Hey! there's Ann
Marie, the actress playing

herself on "The Mating Game".

You know about it.

You don't think
it's unprofessional?

Not at all. Neither
would 30 million

other viewers with
their eyes glued to you.

That's 60 million eyes.

All focused on Ann Marie.

You really think I should do it?

Sure.

Come on honey, what do say?

Well...

Okay.

Great. I'll set up an
interview with the producer.

You'll be my
personal guinea pig.

Uh, I mean pussy cat.

Let's go.

Thanks. Wait!

It's not even.

It's straight, it's straight.

I'm uneven.

I have to do this part over.

Oh will you please
hurry, please hurry.

That show is so romantic,

three gorgeous
men to choose from.

When I was going
with my husband Alvin,

I had the same problem.

What problem?

I had to choose
between Alvin and Herbie.

Oh, I'm gonna be so late.

I decided to have one last date
with each one, and then choose.

As you know, I chose Alvin.

Yeah.

What made you decide on Alvin?

Herbie never showed up.

Okay. Okay. You're done.

Oh, thanks. Thanks, Ruby.

Thanks for everything.
Now don't forget, lock up.

Okay. Ann! What?

If you plug my dress on
the show, I'd appreciate it.

Okay, I'll try. Bye.

Ann!

What?

Remember me to Don.

No! Don't.

You're not suppose to know him.

Ahh.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, there you are.

Ah, Ms. Marie, thank
you for dropping by.

This is Mr. Hollinger.

Oh, how do you do? Awfully
nice to meet you, Mr. Horinger.

Uh, Hollinger.

Oh, sorry.

He's doing a story
for his magazine.

Oh, News View. What
a marvelous publication.

How did you know that?

What?

Well, did I say News View?

No, I did.

That's what I mean,
how did you know?

Oh. Well I've probably seen
his name on many articles,

Donald Horinger.

Hollinger.

Oh, yes.

Mr. Horinger will
be doing... Hollinger.

Thank you. Don't mention it.

He's doing an
article on our show.

Would you be seated,
please? Certainly.

Of course, your application will
give us all of the vital statistics,

but I just wanted to meet you and
have you answer a few questions.

You don't mind if Mr. Hollinger
sits in? Oh, no, not at all.

As long as the questions
aren't too personal.

[laughing]

We try to get to the
basic human being.

You see, to me, the "Mating
Game" is not just a show.

Oh, no.

It's a goal, faith, a
mission with a high Nielsen.

Now, I don't like to brag,

but do you know that
over 30% of the contestants

from the "Mating Game" marry
the dates that they met on our show?

Is that so?

Love is blind, Mr. Hollinger,

but then, Dan Cupid gets a
little help from Eddie Turner.

And Eddie Turner gets
a little help from the stars.

Now, you're a Scorpio?

Yes. [Eddie] Warm-hearted,
but very determined, huh?

That's amazing.

Well, don't be surprised.

I know the zodiac signs of
everyone who walks into this room.

Well Ms. Marie, with the moon
on its fourth quarter and just

on the cusp, I think
you're gonna be

a wonderful guest
on the "Mating Game".

Oh, thank you!

Isn't that wonderful, Donald?

Mr. Hollinger?

Well it certainly is, Ms. Marie.

Well, uh, goodbye
and thank you so much.

Thank you.

Bye. Bye.

Yeah.

I think she's gonna
be one of them.

One of what?

The marrying kind.

All I have to do is supply
the right combination.

She's a Scorpio.

I'll need a Leo,
Taurus and a Libra.

Say, when's your birthday?

September 26th.

Libra.

Are you married?

No, no. I'm not.

A bachelor and a Libra?

Perfect.

Perfect for what?

The show!

You're going to be
one of the contestants.

But remember, if
you see Ms. Marie,

you're not allowed
to... tell her.

Well, how did you do?

It's all set, and guess who's gonna be
one of the contestants? Rock Hudson!

No, but you're close.
Me. You're kidding.

It was the producer's idea,
and nobody is supposed

to know about
it, especially Ann.

I'm gonna disguise my voice.

Oh, what a terrible, dumb idea!

What are you talking about?

It's a very harmonious
time for Scorpio and Libra.

Forget about Scorpio and Libra,
are the other guys good-looking?

I guess so.

Suppose she picks one of 'em?

What if she does? They go out on a
date, and they never see each other again.

Congratulations, you've just
won the Ostrich of the Year award.

Oh, look. I know
Ann pretty well.

I don't care how good-looking or
charming those guys are. You're sure?

Sure, I'm sure.
Doesn't bother me a bit.

Then how come you're
sharpening your pen?

And here he is now,
ladies and gentlemen.

Mr. Mating Game
himself, Bob William.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you very much.

Hi there love lovers,
welcome to the Mating Game.

Hidden behind our partition
are three eligible young men.

Our charming female
guest will ask them questions

about love, and then choose
the man she'll date. You got it?

Our first young lady is Ms.
Ann Marie, she's an actress.

But before we bring her
out, let's meet the fellows.

[Bob] Contestant
Number 1, Mr. Peter Blake.

He's a bachelor
with a steady job.

Any chance our guest
tonight will change that, Pete?

Oh, I don't think so, girls
usually find me very easy to resist.

Eduardo Guzman, our Number 2 contestant,
is a ladies' man from South of the border.

I hope you're taking our game
tonight seriously tonight, Eduardo.

Well, anything to do with
ladies, I take very seriously.

And finally,
Contestant Number 3,

Don Hollinger, a reporter
from News View Magazine.

Now, he is the only one who's
ever met our guest before.

They seemed to like each
other then. How about it, Don?

Will she remember
and, uh, choose you?

Well, to be fair, I'm
disguising my voice.

Even if she doesn't remember, I
hope she'll choose the new me.

Let us remember, our
contestants are entitled

to the big triple date bonus.

Tonight, dinner at one of the
most elegant restaurants in town.

Tomorrow night, tickets to
the Broadway hit of their choice,

and Thursday night, the opening
of a brand new show at the Copa.

So, will you please come
out now, Ms. Ann Marie.

[applause]

Hi there, Ann. Hi

So, you're an
actress. Yes, I am.

And a very pretty
one, too. Thank you.

Certainly wish you a lot of
luck, won't you please sit down?

Ann, you know the rules of the
game, you start the questions.

Thank you.

Contestant Number 1, would you
describe your idea of the perfect wife?

Well, I guess she'd be a woman...
who likes to cook and sew and clean.

She'd enjoy doing dishes.

Uh, she'd be a sort of woman who'd,
uh, have to tidy up after me, a lot.

Sounds like you'd do
better with a mother.

That's what Mom says.

Contestant Number 2.
Define masculine charm.

It's the ability in a man that makes the
woman feel that he only sees her virtues.

Oh, that's lovely. I
mean, it's just lovely.

And phony, too.

I beg your pardon?

Uh, never mind.

Number 3, do you
think a woman can

successfully support a
career and a marriage?

Well, in certain cases, a
woman might have to make

a career successful in
order to support a marriage.

What does that mean?

Why don't you ask
contestant number 2?

Contestant Number 1, do you
believe in kissing on the first date?

Oh, gosh. That...

that all depends on the girl.

Contestant Number 2?

What else is there?

Contestant Number 3?

No.

And if she's got a boyfriend,
she shouldn't even be dating.

You don't have to get angry.

Contestant Number
3, do you drink?

Yes.

Contestant Number 1?

Oh, not hard liquor.

Number 2?

I love champagne.

The bubbles tickle his nose.

I'm very confused.

Number 3, I have
a feeling that...

[buzzer ringing]
Sorry Ann, time's up.

Well, our three eligible
bachelors have answered

your questions, and now you must
decide which one of these young men

will be the date who
could become your mate.

Will it be... Number 1?

Number 2, or, Number 3?

Will it be Number 1, Number 2,

or, Number 3?

Well, I choose [Ann] Number 2.

Why didn't you tell me you
were on? I wasn't allowed to.

Oh.

That voice you
used sounded terrific.

Well, if you liked it so much,
why didn't you pick me?

I was so nervous and
so mixed up, and anyway,

Number 2 sounded so romantic.

Well, I don't know.

He was just so suave and so
charming and everything and

he seemed to know the
perfect thing to say and...

I mean, not as charming
as you, of course.

Anyway, it will be a better
story for your assignment.

And it's only one date,
and everything like that.

Everything like what?
Well... you know.

Well. I'm gonna know,
because I'm going on your date.

You are?

For the interview, remember?

Oh yeah, that's right.

You sound disappointed?

Oh, it's not that.

Well, what it is?

Donald, you're shouting.
What are you so angry about?

Well, you just humiliated
me in front of the entire world.

I didn't even know it was you.

Anyway, this whole
thing was your idea.

You were great, Scorpio.

Thank you, Mr. Turner.

Wasn't she great? I mean great.

Say, have you seen
that Sagittarius dentist?

He's on next...
ahh, there he is.

Well, have fun, and if
you and Eduardo need

a marriage license in a hurry,

[Mr. Turner] you
know who to call.

Eddie Turner and Dan Cupid.

It's a partnership.

And I get top billing.

The car is waiting. Oh, good.

Oh Eduardo, this
is Donald Hollinger.

That's right,
you've already met.

Shall we go?

Yeah, well, I'll
get my equipment.

I'll see you out front.

He's not coming with us?

Well, yes he is.

See, he's a reporter
for a magazine,

and he's doing a story on us.

I'm sorry to hear that.

♪♪ [Greek ballad]

I've never been in a Greek
restaurant before. It's so charming.

Oh yes, the Greeks have a
marvelous sense of atmosphere.

They appreciate the
warm. The intimate...

Testing 1-2-3, hello, hello.

Donald, that's a tape
recorder. Good for you.

You mean, you're actually
gonna tape our conversation?

I mean, that's actually
exactly what I'm gonna do.

But, Mr. Hollinger this is...

Just relax, enjoy yourself.

Forget it's on.

Now, what were you saying? Huh?

Oh. I believe I was
telling Ann about Greece.

I think you'll like it there.

In fact, I know you would.

I would? Why?

Well, it's difficult
to put it into words.

But I will try.

A land like Greece can be
many things to many people,

but there are certain...
special women.

Who are able to give themselves
totally to an experience.

Women whose eyes
search for the beautiful,

whose spirit
longs for the joyful.

Women who are born for
the purpose of loving life,

passionately,
and of being loved.

I think that you, Ann,
are one of those women.

Uh, Ed?

Could you repeat
that? I ran out of tape.

♪♪ [Greek]

He's very persistent.

I know. I really
can't understand him.

He's never acted
like this before.

You mean you know
him from before?

Well, uh, you see, he arranged
for me to be on the show.

Oh, he did?

Well it doesn't matter. I'm
enjoying myself in spite of him.

I hope you are, too.

Yes.

Do you mind?

Is this part of the interview?

That, and it's good exercise.

Is that how they
dance in Brazil?

Donald, what are
you talking about?

Close, you were dancing close.

When one party dances
with the second party,

the two parties are generally
within a few feet of each other.

Speaking as a third party,
the third party doesn't relish

seeing the second party
clutching at the first party.

He was not clutching at me.

Uh huh. Then how come you're not dancing
as close with me as you were with him?

For one thing, because your
tape recorder is digging into me.

Not that I blame him.

"For you, my dear, are a woman
who is, how we say, a woman

"who enjoys the beautiful in
life, the sunsets, the nightingales."

Donald I really
don't believe it.

You are behaving like a child.

Yeah, and you're behaving like
the woman from Never on Sunday.

You're only saying that because
we're in a Greek restaurant.

You heard me. You're a
Jezebel, that's what you are.

"Oh, I choose Number
2. He's so charming."

He is charming.

Okay. If that's the way you feel
about it, I won't cramp your style.

Donald!

What about your story?

Here's the tape recorder, take
down whatever you think is important.

[Donald] That button is
record, that is play back.

Make sure it's on balanced tone.

And it's rented,
so don't drop it.

Goodbye, Ms.
Marie. Enjoy yourself.

Donald.

Donald?

Yes?

You're walking
into the men's room.

Don't you think I know that?

Hi.

Hi Jerry.

Have a headache?

Thanks for the offer.

Right now, a headache would
be the high point of my day.

I take it last night
didn't go too well.

Jerry, I made a
complete idiot of myself.

I mean complete.
No stone left unturned.

That bad? That bad.

You know, so bad, so bad
I spent the entire evening

in the men's room,
for no reason at all.

I mean, there was a man in there
to brush me off. But I didn't need it.

I'd already been
brushed off by Ann.

Come on, Don.

Let's look at the bright side.

That is the bright side.

Anything I can do to help?

Yeah, load a revolver
and leave it on the desk.

I'll know what to do with it.

[knock on door]

Come in, Nancy.

[knock on door]

Mr. Hollinger? Ms. Marie?

Yes. Here are the
tapes you asked for,

I trust you'll find
them in order.

Thank you, and goodbye.

Ann, wait...

[Eduardo] Will you
have another drink?

[Ann] I've had so many, already.

[Eduardo] But that
would be harmless.

[Eduardo] Waiter, another
round of Triple Tornadoes, please.

[Ann giggling]

[Ann] Oh Eduardo, I'm dizzy.

Just watching that
dance is too much for me.

[Eduardo] It's a traditional
Greek folk dance.

[Ann] But I have never
seen anything so uninhibited-

so primitive.

[Ann] Why, in an American
nightclub, a man wouldn't dream

of ripping off his shirt
in the middle of a dance.

[Eduardo] That's how
they do it in Greece.

[Ann] Well, it's
terribly exciting.

[Ann] And when we
get home, Eduardo,

I'm gonna sew up
that shirt for you.

[Eduardo] Oh, that's delightful!

[Ann] Shh! We're gonna
wake up the neighbors.

[Eduardo] What
time is it anyway?

[Ann] Time?

[Ann] I guess it's around
five in the morning.

[Ann] Ahh... wait,
wait I'll check.

[Ann] I can't see the numbers.

[Ann] Can you
reach the light switch?

The lights are off.

They're sitting there in the dark,
at five o'clock in the morning.

Talking, drinking...

[Eduardo] Let's not
spoil the moment.

Not spoiling moments.

[Eduardo] You know Ann,
being with you like this,

a man knows the feeling
of perfect contentment.

I want to make this
moment... go on forever.

Shut up! Why doesn't he shut up?

[Ann] Oh, Eduardo.

♪♪ [music playing]

Say something, why
don't they say something?

[Eduardo] How about a drink?

Thank goodness he's
only plying her with liquor.

[Ann] Oh Eduardo, there are so
many things I want to say to you.

[Ann] What this
evening has meant.

[Ann] How sweet you
were to do this for me.

[Ann] But mostly, mostly
what I want to say is,

[Ann] Donald, you
dope. You really had this

coming to you for
acting like a crazy nut,

and you really deserved it. And I
hope you've learned your lesson.

Because I'm waiting for you
on the other side of the door.

You goof.

Come here.

Oh!

Isn't this sweet?

What's that honey?
It's a note from Eduardo.

He read your article in News View, and
he asked me to tell you how much liked it.

Oh, that's nice.

"And I'd love to see you for dinner,
next Saturday when I'm in town."

Now Donald, don't
worry, I'm not going.

I certainly don't want to start all
that crazy jealous business again.

No, no, actually I
think you should accept.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not. After all he gave
us all those theater tickets,

he let me be your
date at the nightclub.

The guy deserves
one enjoyable evening.

Oh, Donald that's
very nice of you.

Honey, it's only fair.

I'll just tell him "yes" then.

Good.

But honey. Huh?

This time we go Dutch.

♪♪ [theme music]