That Girl (1966–1971): Season 1, Episode 22 - Paper Hats & Everything - full transcript

Hello, Harriet. My
wife get off all right?

Yes. And I'm sure
glad you're back.

Now I don't have to write all
the things she told me to tell you.

She says... I know.

Don't forget to
lock the back door.

Don't forget to drink a warm
glass of milk every night.

Handkerchiefs in the top drawer,

shirts in the middle drawer

and the socks in
the bottom drawer.

That's right. Of course it is.

And she promised
that when she got back



she's gonna let me cross the
street alone, without a boy scout.

I think you don't
appreciate the missus.

The way that she worried about
leaving you alone for three days.

Me, alone? She should know
by now I won't be alone for long.

All I have to do is call Ava Gardner
and tell her my wife's out of town.

So, what happened
to Sophia Lauren?

What Sophia doesn't
know won't hurt her.

Anything else? Yes.

She said for you not
to forget Ann's birthday.

You don't think I'd forget
my daughter's birthday.

Well, she thought it
would be nice for you

to take her out to dinner.

She must be kidding.
On a Saturday night,

I'd stand a better chance
if I did call Ava Gardner.



It only takes 10
cents to find out.

30 cents, it's a toll call.

It's not the money, it's just
that I can't stand rejection.

A grown man should be
able to stand a little rejection.

I can, but not from that girl.

♪♪

Uh uh.

Oh, Daddy, I'd love to
have dinner with you.

No, I don't have a date.

Oh, I love The Carlton Room.

Honestly, Daddy,
I don't have a date.

Okay.

See you Saturday night.

Bye.

But you do have a date with Don.

Why didn't you
tell him the truth?

Because Daddy
wasn't telling the truth.

Oh, so it's a family tradition.

Ann, what are you talking about?

You know how I love surprises.

Especially birthday
surprises. Yes.

Well, I think that's
what's gonna happen.

In fact, I'm sure
it's gonna happen.

Daddy didn't once mention
on the telephone anything

about my birthday, and
all of a sudden mother's off

on this mysterious visit to
Aunt Gladys up in Baltimore.

See, it's obvious.

What's obvious?

A surprise party.
Can't you see it?

We go to The Carlton Room, the
maitre d' ushers Daddy and I to a table,

we sit down, a little
chitchat, and then the

whole family pops up
and yells, "surprise!"

Aunt Rosie, Uncle
Harry, Aunt Gladys,

the whole family and mother.

Oh, do you really think so?

Oh, I'm sure of it.

And I'm gonna have to act
like I never suspected a thing.

It'll be tougher than any
audition I ever went on.

What are you gonna do about Don?

Oh, I better call him
and break our date.

I'm sure he'll understand.

Sure, honey, he's your
father, I understand perfectly.

You do?

You mean you're not angry?

Of course not. Why
should I be angry?

Well, after all we
did have a date.

Wait a minute, honey.
Now wait a minute.

You're making it sound as though
I called you to break our date.

You called me, remember?

Oh, well.

Okay.

Okay.

I'll talk to you later.

Okay.

Maybe.

Bye.

Oh, what a dope I am.

Donald's gonna be at
my surprise party, too.

Who is it? Me.

Okay.

Why did you open the door?

To let you in. How did
you know it was me?

Because you said it was you.

Do you always open up the door

to anybody who says it's me?

Do you think if it was a
burglar he'd say it was burglar?

I could have been a burglar.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Mother never would
have married you.

Sure, make jokes.

And I'm not supposed to
worry that you're living alone.

Now, Daddy, no picking.

We're gonna have a nice evening.

Okay.

How's this for a start?

Oh, Daddy.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

Well?

Very nice.

But do you have to
wear so much make up?

Isn't that skirt a little short?

Now, Daddy, if you
don't stop picking,

I'm gonna go in there and
put on my longest earrings.

You know how you feel
about me in long earrings.

All right.

Okay. No more picking?

No more picking.

Okay.

I can't wait to get to
The Carlton Room.

They got the best music there.

There.

Ann, are you sure this
thing is warm enough?

Honestly, Daddy,
you certainly got

a lot to learn about
taking out a date.

Looks like I'm out with
the last of the big spenders.

Well, easy come, easy go.

Good evening.

Eh, can I help you?

Good evening. Marie, L. Marie.

Ah, yes.

I have something
that will suit you nicely.

This way, please.

Thank you.

Wait, Ann.

I don't want this
table. But, sir.

When I called, I was
promised a good location.

This isn't it.

I am terribly sorry, sir,

but the only other thing I
have is a table for eight.

I don't care if it's a
table for eighteen.

I was promised the best,

and that's what
I'm going to get.

Come on, Ann.

But, sir, it is not
possible for you...

Look, I am in the
restaurant business, too.

When you promise a
customer a good table,

he gets it.

Very well, monsieur.

I told him, didn't I?

Oh, you certainly did.

What's so funny?

Oh, Daddy, you really
are a rotten actor.

What are you talking about?

Now the maitre d'
wasn't bad, but you,

you just came on too strong.

I don't see what
you're driving at.

Cocktail before dinner?

Uh, yes.

I'll have a scotch on the rocks.

And for the lady?

Uh, thank you. I'll have a
Vermouth Cassis, very dry.

Merci.

Hmm, Vermouth Cassis, very dry.

When did you learn that?

Where else?

From an old Charles
Boyer picture.

Who is it?

It's me, Don.

Come on in.

What's going on?

Why did you call? Where's Ann?

Ann is on a date
with her father.

What are you doing
in her apartment?

Look, I left the
latch off the door

so that I could come in and
she wouldn't know about it.

It's all part of my master plan.

What master plan?

Well, you're not at her surprise
party tonight, and neither am I.

Okay.

Well, Ann's expecting a big
surprise party and when you

weren't invited and I
knew I wasn't invited,

I figure maybe there
wasn't going to be a party.

Okay.

Well she's expecting
this big surprise party.

If she doesn't get it, she's
gonna be terribly disappointed.

So?

So I figure we make her a party
and make sure she's not disappointed.

Are you nuts? She's
out with her father.

Who knows when she'll get home.

What difference does it make?

Tomorrow's Sunday, you can do
the crossword puzzle in the afternoon.

Now come on, there
are a million things to do.

Now I want you to go out and buy her the
biggest cake you can with her name on it.

And hurry.

Daddy, I never knew.

It wasn't for nothing that they named
a sandwich after me at Roseland.

I'll bet it had ham in it.

Why not? And you inherited

a little bit of it yourself.

Ann, your coffee.

Oh. Thank you, Daddy.

Ann, you've been twisting your
neck ever since we got here.

What are you looking for?

Oh, nothing, nothing at all.

I just thought maybe somebody
we know might come in.

Now, who would come
in here that we know?

That's true.

Funny about Mother just going
off to Aunt Gladys', so sudden like.

Funny? Your Uncle
Oscar had to go to Chicago

for a few days and your aunt is
afraid to stay in the house alone.

That's what Mother
said over the telephone.

But I thought that was kind
of a strange, crazy reason.

Strange no, crazy yes.

Remember, your Aunt Gladys is
on your mother's side of the family.

But why should that bother you?

Oh, no reason.

Are you having a good time?

Oh, Daddy, I'm having
a wonderful time.

Good.

Happy Birthday, sweetheart.

Oh, Daddy. You shouldn't have.

You know this entire evening
is gonna cost you a fortune.

It's all right, your mother
gives me a big allowance.

You mean I can wear them?

Of course you can wear them.

But these are the kind

you said I wasn't grown
up enough to wear.

Well, now you are.

You know something, Daddy?

This is the most important present
I've ever received in my whole life.

How can you turn a pair of
earrings into a federal case?

Oh, Daddy, don't you see?

Getting these from you
means that you've accepted me

as a whole entire
separate person.

A whole entire separate person.

Good. That's the only
kind I like to dance with.

Sandwiches, um, people, people.

Aren't you gone yet?

Where am I gonna get a
birthday cake at this hour?

Oh, try a bakery.

All the hardware
stores are closed.

Dr. Bessemer, please.

Hello, Leon, you've gotta
come home right away.

Oh. Well, deliver the
baby as fast as you can.

Leon, this is an
emergency delivery, too.

Now you've got to come home
as fast as you can and bring

home sandwiches
of all different kinds

and potato chips and coleslaw...

Tell me young lady, did
you take a bath this morning?

Why, is there one missing?

I say, would you care to
join me in a cup of tea?

Are you sure there's
room for both of us?

Okay, wait, wait. I've got one.

Have you?

I just got a wonderful job.

I'm a matter in a furniture
factory. What's a matter?

Nothing's a matter,
I'm feeling just fine.

How old did you say you were

when we carried on like that?

Nine.

Nine years old.

Daddy, why should
that make you sad?

Why shouldn't it?

Look at all this
grey hair since then.

You know what?

I'm gonna come home and take
care of you until mother gets back.

No, no. There's
no need for that.

I can take care of myself.

No. Now, I've made up my mind.

We don't even have
to stop at my apartment.

I've still got plenty
of skirts and sweaters

left at home. Okay?

If I said no, I'd be lying.

And you know what a
rotten liar your old man is.

But we still have places to go.

Garçon, L'addition.

Hey, that's very good.

Well, you're not the only one
who sees Charles Boyer movies.

I better call Judy and tell her

I'm not coming home.
She'll be worried stiff.

Could I borrow a dime?

I haven't got a dime.

Here's a quarter.

Thank you, Diamond Jim.

Bring back the change.

Eight corned beef on
rye, eight salami on rye,

one corned beef on white.

A corned beef on white?

You never know when
some square might show up.

I like it on white.

Well, present company excluded.

Oh, you got it. Yup.

I can describe every closed bakery on
Madison, Second and Third Avenues.

I got this one guy as he was
putting the key in the lock.

Oh, you're marvelous.

The biggest cake I ever seen.

What, what flavor did...

"Happy birthday, Bessie"?

It was either that, or
"Happy Bar Mitzvah, Kevin".

Now we can shoot
rockets to the moon

but an eraser for
whipped cream...?

I'll get it.

Hello.

Hello?

There's no one on.

It's still ringing.

Hello?

Hey, that's our phone.

Now let's pull this up,
and see what it looks like.

I want you to know a lot of
time and effort went into this.

I could see that.

And what do you think?

"Happy Birhtday?"

Oh. Well, don't worry, Leon. It's
not the spelling, it's the sentiment.

Let me have it.
We'll do it again.

Forget it. What do you mean?

What? Forget the entire thing.

Ann is going home
with her father.

Oh no. Oh.

What are we gonna do now?

I know what. What?

Let's eat the sandwiches.

Oh no. Now, wait a minute.

After all the trouble I went
through to get that cake,

even if it was made for Bessie,

Ann is gonna have her party.

We're did she call
from? The Carlton Room.

I'll catch them there,
I'll be right back. Great.

So this is where you and
your actor friends hang out.

Nicer than I figured.

What you figured was
probably an opium den.

Daddy, when are you gonna realize
that acting is a legitimate profession,

filled with serious people
who are studying their craft?

Oh yes.

Ann, I'm being followed.

Read this menu,
memorize it and eat it.

It's better than the food.

Daddy, this is Johnny Arthur.

We went to drama school
together. This is my dad.

Oh, I'm glad to meet you.

Any dad of Ann's
is a dad of mine.

Thanks. Thanks very much.

What'll you have?

Two cups of cappuccino.

Two cups of cappuccino, right.

Well, it was very
nice meeting you,

and I hope we see
a lot of one another.

Auf wiedersehen, my darling.

Isn't he cute?

Adorable.

Well, I guess
he is a little nutty.

Nutty? What makes
you say a thing like that?

Marie.

Ah yes. Here it is, sir.

Mr. Lou Marie and lady.

Now, now, look, look.

She mustn't see me. Where?

Which table? Where is she at?

Please, they have already gone.

Gone? Where did they go?

Our patrons,
upon departing, sir,

are not required to leave
a forwarding address.

Oh. Hmm.

Well, it's a very good policy.

We didn't have a
cup of cappuccino,

but we had a glass
of cappuccinos.

So here you have
two 'glassaccinos"

How can I thank you?

Years from now when you speak
of this, and you will... be kind.

What's that all about?

We once did a scene
from Tea and Sympathy.

Actors, actresses...
Ann, you still got time.

Go to school, learn to
be a dental assistant.

Daddy, why didn't you
learn to be a chiropodist?

Mother told me all about it.

Your father wanted
you to be a chiropodist.

Yeah, well maybe he was right.

There's a lot of money in feet.

If you just listen to
me, Ann, I know that...

Now Daddy, please, not tonight.

You promised.

All right.

Oh, by the way, how
come the magazine tycoon

didn't ask you out
on your birthday?

He's a fine one.

You know something?

I would like to hear you say
something nice about Donald just once.

All right, I will.

He's not an actor.

Hi, Al.

Could I have a
double scotch, please?

Sure.

It's a funny thing,
take a dozen guys

each one steamed
off about something,

I can spot in a minute just
what's bugging each one of them.

One because of a horse
that lost by a short nose,

another because of his boss.

But take you now, it's written
all over your face: jealousy.

Jealousy? Oh,
Al, don't be silly.

Tell me, have you
seen Ann tonight?

You gotta keep one
thing in your mind.

If your girl's in show business,

she's gotta go out with a
producer once in a while.

Ann with a producer?

What producer? What
are you talking about?

I could spot em in a minute.

And I'm never wrong.

Man in his fifties, nice
looking, a gentleman.

Where did you see them? Which
way did they go? Look over the top.

And the actor was doing
all this busy gestures

in the scene and
Mr. Benedict said,

"Don't just do
something, stand there."

It's them. She's
with her father.

Father? Yeah, sure.

Don, that's the first time I'm wrong
spotting a producer in 17 years.

Look, Al, you gotta help me.

I gotta get her
father out of there.

Oh, did I? Oh, Dad.

Wait till I tell you what
you did to your Aunt Gladys.

Daddy, what's the matter?

There's a man winking at me.

Oh, Daddy.

Must be some kind of a lunatic.

Uh, here.

What's that?

It's your check.

I didn't ask for one.

Why wait till the last minute?

Must be rough having
a deadbeat for a father.

Oh, he's not.

Here, read it and weep.

What's the matter now?

I don't know.

Uh, maybe it's nerves.

I-I-I've been working too hard.

I-I tell you what we better do,

I'll take you back to
your place, and I'll spend

the night at a Turkish bath.

A steam and a
rub might relax me.

Yes, I think you'd better.

Come on.

Are you sure you're okay?

I'm just a little
nervous, that's all.

Oh, Daddy. I'm fine.

Look, when I take a lady home,

I like to be sure that she
gets home safe and sound.

Thank you, Mr. Marie,
for a lovely evening.

And if you've got a minute, I've
got a little confession to make.

Wouldn't we be more
comfortable in the apartment?

Do you know what I've been
thinking all evening, Daddy?

Sure. Your old man's a cornball.

No. And you're not a cornball.

What I've been thinking is that,

well, I thought you'd planned
a surprise party for me.

And any minute, I expected
to see Mom or Aunt Rosie

or Donald or the whole
family jump out of somewhere

and yell "surprise'.

But it never happened.

You know what?

I'm glad.

Are you sure?

Positive.

This is the best
birthday I ever had.

Thanks, honey.

I enjoyed it, too.

Good.

Uh, you got your key?

Yes. What's the hurry?

Oh, that's right. You
asked the cab driver to wait.

Forget the cab. What does
a cab mean to Diamond Jim?

You know what?

There's something I've wondered
about for the longest time.

What?

Well, it's funny.

I don't know how to start.

The beginning is
always a good place.

Well, what I want to know is,

when mother was in the
hospital expecting me,

uh, that sounds kind of silly.

Anyway, there you were,

pacing up and down
and, and... Yes?

Well, the nurse came in
and she said, "it's a girl."

How did you feel?

Were you terribly disappointed?

Well, let me think back.

First, I asked how
your mother was.

Then I asked if you had 10 toes,

10 fingers, 2 eyes and a nose.

She said yes.

Then I thanked God.

Then they let me look at you.

And I knew that you were
what I'd been praying for.

Really, Daddy?

Let me put it this way.

If it was a factory
where I could've ordered

to my own specifications, you
would've been what I ordered.

Even with all your craziness.

Thank you, Daddy.

I never did approve
of you lingering

at the front door with
your dates, remember?

Come on, let's go inside.

Shh. Shh. Here he comes.

Shh.

Surprise! Surprise!

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, paper hats and everything.

Take this, honey.
You'll shrink his coat.

Thank you, Daddy.

Are you really surprised?

Yes, I really am.

Oh, Paul, thank you.

Mr. Benedict will be
here later. Oh, good.

Leon.

Oh. Thank you.

Don't thank me.

Thank Alvin Murgeson.
He came early.

Patty. I thought you
were gonna be away?

For you, and free
food, I came back.

Oh, thank you.

Judy.

How did you keep a secret?

I didn't plan it
till after you left.

Thank you... Who are you?

I'm Marvin Kronfell,
the cab driver.

Where's my money?

Here's 5. Keep the change.

Here, have a salami sandwich.

And here's a corned beef.

Take 2.

You'll need something
to drink with that.

Just a plain night, right?

Boy, what must go on
here on New Year's Eve.

Hey, come on.
You're the birthday girl.

You should be laughing.

I am. This is wet laughing.

I'll give your kiss
to the baby. Yes, do.

Goodnight, Leon. Goodnight.

Thank you. Kiss
the baby. Goodnight.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Oh, Donald.

Wasn't that terrific? Yeah.

Come on. I'll help you
clean up before I go.

Okay.

Did I tell you what
my father said?

About being glad
you weren't a boy?

He isn't the only one.

You know something, Donald?

I'm the luckiest girl
in the whole world.

Oh, no, you're not.

Bessie is. Bessie?

Yeah. That's the
worst cake I ever tasted.