That Girl (1966–1971): Season 1, Episode 12 - Soap Gets in Your Eyes - full transcript

Bruce, I'm talking to you not only
as a father-in-law to his son-in-law,

but even as Dr. Randall, chief of surgery,
to Dr. Auldon, his young associate.

But as man to man. Yes, sir.

Bruce, you're destroying yourself
by wallowing in a swamp of desire.

I don't expect you
to understand it, sir.

I, I don't understand it myself.

Your brilliant medical
career, four lovely children,

fifteen years of marriage,
for what? For her!

Don't you understand?

For her!

Vicious, pleasure-seeking,
immoral, self-centered.



I don't care.

- I can't live without...
- Hi, it's me.

That girl.

♪♪

Sheila, I ask you
to consider what

this madness may
do to innocent people.

Not again.

Well, think of Bruce,
or my daughter Miriam.

Think of their four
helpless little children.

Oh, Dr. Randall, I'm just a
helpless little child myself.

Bruce!

Stay with us tomorrow
when Sheila's wanton

lust for life threatens
the marriage

of Dr. Auldon and
his brave little family.



Cut.

Hey.

You were awful.

Oh, I am so sorry.

I mean, I was trying
so hard to be good.

No, I mean Sheila was
awful. You were great.

Really? You mean you
really liked my performance?

You showed us enough rottenness

to keep that character
going for months.

Well, I'll be rotten
as long as it lasts.

Judy, you can't believe
a day like I had today.

And such a big-part,
three whole scenes.

And when I wasn't on,
they were talking about me.

Oh, and what they said.

Ann, the whole building was
watching and my mother called.

And I never realized what a
huge audience this soap opera has.

Are you kidding?

Everybody watches it.

Oh, Ann, you're gonna
be a real celebrity.

Now, Judy, I know
this sounds crazy,

but people actually seem to recognize
me in the subway coming home.

Ann Marie, girl television star.

You wanna come over
and have a sandwich?

No, thanks. I've
got a date for lunch.

Oh, at some fancy restaurant?

The fanciest. Oh, how exciting!
With the television producer?

No, with Donald. I'm meeting
him at Sal's Delicatessen.

Two corned beefs, lean, one
cream soda, one milk. Milk?

The director said I was awful.

I mean, he really hated me.

And you're happy about that?

Yes. The rottener Sheila is,

the longer I stay on the show.

And she is so rotten, Donald.

Here's your corned
beef sandwiches, lean.

Thank you. You promised
a picture, where is it?

Oh, Saul, I didn't
know you were serious.

Certainly.

I'm moving Berle over
the baloney and you're

getting the place of
honor over the bagels.

Donald, isn't that exciting?

Saul's gonna put my
picture over the bagels.

Yeah, if we can
get him to put mine

over the cream cheese,
we've got a sandwich.

Listen, Ann, I got the
call from my parents.

They're definitely coming.

Definitely coming?

I don't know they were
indefinitely coming.

Well, I didn't wanna mention it to
you until I was sure they were coming.

They're coming.
Well, great. When?

In a few days.

I'm very anxious
for you to meet them.

Well, I'm anxious to meet them.

Good, 'cause you're
gonna meet them.

You know, we have to find some of
these fabulous places to take them.

We could take them to
some good restaurants,

and the theater, and the fights.

Wait a minute, what's my
mother gonna do at the fights?

Your father might like them.

And we should
take them to Rocky's.

Now, that's a very
elegant restaurant

and a lot of actors go there.

And it's typically New York.

What's the matter?

Those ladies keep staring at me.

Maybe it's because I'm drinking
milk with a corned beef sandwich.

Donald, I think
she's staring at me.

Why? You've got cream soda.

I was telling Judy how people are
recognizing me now from that soap opera.

Oh, oh, yeah, I guess
a lot of people do see it.

It's really amazing, Donald.

I mean, everywhere I go
now, people seem to look at me

just a little bit longer
than they used to.

Honey, aren't you
exaggerating a bit?

Well, it's a small part,
but a lot of people watch it.

Donald, they're coming over.

Maybe they're gonna
ask me for my autograph.

Don't I know you?

You look familiar.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

Well, I think maybe,
it's because I...

Don't tell me, I know
I've seen you before.

You know, I never forget a face.

Well, I think the reason
I look familiar to you is...

Ann Marie.

That's right.

Helen Marie's daughter.

I remember she was as fat
and round as a cantaloupe.

Well, when you
talk to your mother,

be sure and say that
Rose from Yonkers is asking

after her, won't you? Bye.

Yes, I will. Bye bye.

I certainly hope Saul
didn't hear that. Why?

Berle will be back
over the bagels.

Okay, now, here I come.

Tell me what you think,
and be perfectly frank.

Oh, do you look sexy!

I do?

Oh, that's terrible. I
don't want to look sexy

the first time I
meet Don's parents.

How do you wanna look?

Likeable.

So wear a likeable dress.

What do you think is more
likeable, tweed or jersey?

Look, they'll like you
no matter what you wear.

I don't understand.
Why are you so nervous?

Well, you know.

What happened the first
time you met Leon's parents?

His mother said, "How would you
like to meet my son, the doctor?"

Oh, really? Then they
liked you right away.

Oh, yes.

It was Leon I had
the trouble with.

Okay, now, here I come.

This is a little
more conservative.

Tell me what you think.

Now, that's a likeable dress.

You really think
she'll like me in it?

You can't miss.

They're late.

Oh, no, Mildred, we're early.

Say, this certainly
is a fancy place.

Donald said she suggested it.

I haven't seen the menu but
I'm sure it's very expensive.

Why? Well, you know how
those New York girls are.

Oh, here they are.

Dad, Mother, this is Ann Marie.

Ann, it's nice to
meet you, young lady.

Thank you. It's
nice to meet you, sir.

And it's very nice meeting
you too, Mrs. Hollinger.

Yes.

Well, I certainly hope we
didn't keep you waiting too long.

Oh, not at all.

We left early and walked over.

Well, it's a nice
night for that.

I thought it was quite cold.

Yes, it's a bit chilly.

Well, did you two
have a nice day?

Mom, did you go to that
store Ann suggested?

Oh, you mean that place
on your Third Avenue?

Yes, did you find
anything you like?

No.

No, Donald's father
and I never did like

old furniture full
of dust and dirt.

Uh, waiter.

Shall we order?

Wouldn't anybody like to drink?

Oh, that'd be nice.

No, no, thank
you. I don't drink.

But don't let that stop you.

Oh, no, I was just ordering
because I thought everybody

else was, but
they're not, so I won't.

We'll order.

Boy, that was great.

Wasn't it a great suggestion
of Ann's coming to Rocky's?

Yes, sir. Nothing like a
good bowl of spaghetti.

How did you like the
scallopini, Mrs. Hollinger?

It was a bit too spicy for me.

Well, at least you saw a
lot of famous actors here.

What kind are they?

I never saw them in a movie.

Well, this place is very popular
with the Broadway crowd.

Oh, speaking of Broadway,

you remember Florence Waters?

Uh, yeah, yeah, is she here?

Well, not exactly.

Florence is a wonderful girl.

She started a theater in Shelton,
and people come all the way

from Ferbston just
to see those plays.

She not only stars in them,
but she directs them, too.

Oh. Well she certainly
sounds talented.

She is.

And she was always
crazy about Donald.

Mother, I went out with her
exactly once, and that was as

a favor to her brother.

Cynthia Nathan's
been asking for you.

You know, she's
teaching kindergarten now.

She's a wonderful
teacher, loves children.

Oh, you certainly went out
with her more than once, Donald.

Yes, mother.

Well, that was when
I was in high school.

And you remember Harriet Green?

Uh, Fat Harriet?

Well, she slimmed
down considerably,

and she asks about
you all the time.

Mother, look, this can't
be very interesting to Ann.

Oh, you're right.

Small town talk must be
very boring to a New Yorker.

Oh, no.

You know, actually, I'm
from a small town myself.

Brewster, New York.

It's still New York.

No, no, no Donald,
I know I'm right.

Honey, it isn't that
she doesn't like you.

It's just that she isn't
very demonstrative.

Oh, she was pretty demonstrative
about Florence and Sicily.

Cynthia. And all your
other Shelton playmates.

And she was plenty
demonstrative to me, too.

Oh... She demonstrated
that she hates me.

Honey, she may
have been a little cool...

Cool?

Freezing. Freezing
is more like it.

Sweetheart, you
are exaggerating.

Any mother of a son, I think, would feel
the same way about a girl who someday

might be that son's,
uh, prospective person.

Oh, Donald, now she
didn't like the restaurant

I recommended, and she didn't
like my shop on Third Avenue,

and I heard her whisper
to your father that she

thought my dress was too short.

All right, Ann, listen, you know,
you know what I think it may be?

To my mother, you're
a city girl and well,

she's just kinda
overwhelmed with New York.

And well, let's face it, she just
doesn't have a good sense of humor.

She sure doesn't.

Wait a minute, what
do you mean by that?

I mean what you mean.

Well, I'm not so sure you
mean the same thing as I do.

Well, what do you think I mean?

I think you mean you
don't like my mother.

Donald, I didn't say that, and it's
your mother who doesn't like me.

Ann, she doesn't know you.

See, you admit
she doesn't like me.

I admit no such thing.

And you're on her side, too.

Ann, I am on nobody's side,

but that woman just
happens to be my mother.

Well, what do I have
just happen to be?

Well, right now, you happen
to be a very hysterical woman.

Well, maybe, you just ought
to go and see your mother.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe I will.

Yeah, and you can
go see Fat Harriet, too.

I thought I'd find you here.

Oh, you again.

How dare you
break in here like this.

I've come to fetch Bruce.

His house has been robbed,

his wife is gravely ill,

he's being sued for malpractice.

Always something.

What is it, son?

I, it's nothing.

Just a headache.

Are you coming?

I must go.

If this is all it takes
for you to desert me,

don't you ever come back.

Ever.

Cut.

Joe, I wanna talk to
you about those lights.

You can relax for a few minutes,

and study your lines.

So this is where my son works.

Yeah, this is it. Well,
you're ready for lunch?

Wait a minute. I want to get
some shots of the two of you.

Now, look natural, and,
uh, talk to the camera.

As a matter of fact, Mother, I
do wanna talk to you, about Ann.

Who, dear?

Ann.

She's a fine-looking girl, Don.

Good ankles.

Smile, Donald.

Mother, Ann was
very anxious for you

to like her, and you
were very unfriendly.

I'd like to know why.

All right, dear.

Mildred.

The boy asked me, Father.

Yes, Mother, I asked you
because I really wanna know.

I mean, you seem to dislike
her before you even met her,

before you even
said hello to her.

I know her better
than you'd think.

I'm going on the
observation deck.

I heard all of this.

It just so happened she's
on my favorite soap opera.

Oh, you mean you've seen her?

You bet I've seen her.

And I agree with Dr. Randall.

Who is Dr. Randall?

A wise, sensitive, generous man.

He was opposed to Miriam marrying
Bruce Auldon in the first place.

He probably sensed that someone
like Sheila would come along.

Now, wait, wait a minute.

Is that why you dislike Ann,
because she plays Sheila?

No mother wants to see her son
involved with a woman like that.

But, Mother, you're talking
about imaginary people,

characters in a soap
opera. That is fiction.

It may seem foolish
to you, Donald.

But believe me, I
know what I'm saying.

Mother, Ann is not Sheila.

She is an actress. It's
just make-believe. I know.

But your friend Ann couldn't
play Sheila so convincingly

if she didn't have a lot of
Sheila's qualities deep inside her.

Oh, Mother, that is nonsense.

Is it?

What about Gloria Winkler?

You mean, that little kid I
went to grade school with?

You remember
everyone thought she was

so marvelous as the
witch in Snow White?

Well, she turned out
to be evil in real life.

Yeah, and I play Dopey,
so does that make me...

Sometimes, the way you act and
the people you associate with...

Mother, this is ridiculous.

I mean, Ann is a
talented actress.

She is nothing like
the part she plays.

She is a terrific girl.

Donald, let's go to lunch.

If there's anything
in the world I don't

want to do, it's,
it's to interfere.

Hey, how come you're
not working today?

Bruce Auldon is spending the
day with Miriam and the children.

Oh, well it's about time.

I'll say. I haven't had a
day to myself in a week.

Uh oh. Say, this bathmat
needs a few more minutes.

Would you mind bringing it
up with you when you come?

I have to go up and start lunch.

Go ahead, honey, just leave it.

Thank you.

I uh, I met Judy
in the elevator.

She told me you were down here.

Ann, look, I've found out why
my mother is so unfriendly to you.

Oh? Yes, she watches
that dumb soap opera.

It's not dumb. Yeah, well
what it's caused is dumb.

She's got you all mixed
up with that Sheila.

You're kidding.

No, no, I know it sounds crazy,
but that is what's bothering her.

What, that I'm the
same as Sheila?

Right. Right, we argued
about it all during lunch.

Well, now does she understand?

No, I don't think so. I,
I really don't think so.

I mean, she's got some
kind of block about it.

I mean, you know, but sometimes,
my mother is a little strange.

If you're waiting for me
to agree with you, don't.

Look, I couldn't believe it.

She thinks Dr. Somebody
or other is a saint.

Dr. Randall? Yeah, that's
it. That's it. Dr. Randall.

She thinks he's marvelous,
and she hates Sheila.

And I'm beginning to hate her,
too, and I haven't even seen her.

Hey, Donald, I've got an idea.

Would you mind if I invited
your mother over here for dinner?

No, no, not at all.

I think I've got a way
of winning her over.

You sure you wanna bother?

Positive.

After all, she's your mother.

Oh, Donald, I'm sorry I yelled at
you about going back to Fat Harriet.

No chance. No chance.

I like my girls
on the lean side.

Well, I'm certainly glad I'm not mad
at you anymore, especially right now.

Why right now?

Because I need another
quarter for the washing machine,

and I'd never borrow money
from a man I was mad at.

I don't like that headache.

There be nothing.

You mean you have
a real headache?

No, it's the script
headache I'm worried about.

Danny Stone had a
cough in his scene,

and five segments
later, he was dead.

Well, a little headache
couldn't be very serious.

On this show, a
hang nail can be fatal.

You know, George, my boyfriend's
mother absolutely adores you.

Everybody's mother
adores me. I'm irresistible.

Unfortunately, however, her love for
you is equaled by her hatred for me.

Because you're playing Sheila?

Right, how did you know?

Uh, it's an occupational hazard.

When you're in a soap opera, people
believe that you are what you play.

And to her, I'm Sheila.

If you would like
kindly, wise Dr. Randall

to put in a good word
for you, just say so.

Oh, George, that's
just what I have in mind.

I'm gonna have this little
dinner party Wednesday night

for Donald and his parents.

Could you make
a little house call?

In an emergency, always.

I'll bring my best
bedside manner.

Oh, thanks, George.

My friends call me kindly wise.

Oh, Dr. Randall, I, oh, I'm so
thrilled to meet you personally.

I just, I just can't get used to
calling you by your real name.

I know you so
well as Dr. Randall.

Perfectly understandable.

And as Dr. Randall, I prescribe
a before-dinner drink for you.

Oh, and in that case,
I'll have a little sherry.

Oh, I'll get it
for you. I'll get it.

You know I, I had the impression
you were opposed to alcohol.

Oh, oh, you mean on the show.

Well, I am.

I'm opposed to alcohol
being used to excess.

I'm opposed to anything being
used to excess, including abstinence.

You know, I never
thought of it that way.

Here you are, Mrs. Hollinger.

Oh, thank you.

To your health, my dear.

How you doing? Oh, fine.

It's just taking a lot
longer than I thought.

Do you think your mother is
ready for another glass of sherry?

No, but kindly, wise
Dr. Randall is almost ready

for another bottle of bourbon.

Does he always drink like that?

Like what? A hippopotamus.

You know what I'll never forget?

No, Milly, what would
you never forget?

Four years ago, the operation
you performed on little Ella Comisky.

You know what I never forget?

What?

I need another drink.

Well, everybody, dinner's ready.

What's the rush?

I need a few more belts first.

Well, haven't we had enough?

In forty-five years, I
never had enough.

Come on, Milly, drink up.

This is a toast to the
sweetest little girl in the world.

Little Annie Marie.

George, we really have to eat.

Yes. May I waltz
you to the table?

If there's any
waltzing to do, I'll do it.

Your father's getting angry,
but your mother seems to like it.

Are you kidding? She's in
shock. What are we gonna do?

Well, listen, before
we have a real disaster,

let's eat fast and
get him out of here.

Right. Okay. What are
we gonna have for dinner?

Well, I've made a
beef stew with wine.

Oh, boy. That should do it.

Oh, plenty good food, Ann.

You don't get that kind
of stew much in Shelton.

Let me tell you about
the time I played Shelton.

Which Shelton do you mean?

There are Sheltons in
five or six different states.

Don't mix me up, Milly.

Don't try to trick me.

Excuse me, uh, Georgie, I...

Georgie Boy, I
think that's for you.

What's for me?

Did you drive here?

Well, you're not
gonna drive home.

I gotta drive home.

I'm in no condition to walk.

I ordered you a cab.

Pick up your car in the morning.

Could you take him, please?

324 East 48.

Thank you.

Goodnight, Georgie.

Honey, look, I'm sorry
the way things turned out.

Donald, when I think of the
work that went into this dinner...

Do you know how hard it is to make
mousse? You just see the end-product.

You don't know about the three disasters
that went down the garbage disposal.

Can I help?

No, thank you.

Mrs. Hollinger, Mrs. Hollinger,

I am very sorry about
what happened tonight.

But I just wanted you to like
me or dislike me, but for myself.

I wanted to convince you
I am nothing like Sheila.

Ann,

Ann, Dr. Randall convinced me
you're nothing like Sheila. He did?

He turned out to be nothing like
the man he plays on the show,

so why should you
have to be like Sheila?

Hey, hey, you know what I think?

What? I think my mother
may get to like you.

I sure hope so, Donald.

And you know what else I think?

I think we've got our own private
little soap opera going right here.

Ann,

oh, Ann, what are
we having for dessert?

Oh, I've made a marvelous
chocolate mousse.

Ooh, that's so rich.

You know that soap opera you
were talking about before? Yeah?

Well, I think there are gonna be a lot
more episodes before it's a happy ending.

Hi. Hi.

Well? Well, they're on the
plane, and they both left smiling.

Uh huh. How do my ears
look? What do you mean?

Well, you know that thing about when
people talk about you and your ears burn?

Uh huh. Well right
now, mine are on fire.

Oh, honey, look, I
wouldn't worry about that.

Look, I have a
feeling that with time,

maybe a hundred
years, she'll like you.

Do you really think
so? I'm positive.

How could she help it? And as
far as that Sheila stuff is concerned,

I think she now understands
it's just a part on a show.

Oh, I'm not worried about
Sheila anymore at all.

In fact, Sheila is no longer
a problem to anybody.

What do you mean?

Look, I'll show you.

What? Right there,
see that direction?

Sheila coughs several times.

So what? She's got a cold.

Not on this show.

I figure in about two weeks,
Sheila's cough will be pneumonia,

and Ann Marie
will be unemployed.

Are you sure?

Sure, I'm positive.

I checked with the wardrobe
man, and they've already ordered

Dr. Auldon's black
suit for my funeral.

♪♪