That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 8, Episode 22 - That '70s Finale - full transcript

December 31st, 1979
10:45

Man, the last day of the seventies.

You know, thinking back it?s like
one big blur.

You?re welcome...

You know Donna, it kinda sucks that
you are leaving for college today.

I mean I kinda wanted to ring in the new
year by throwing out all your curduroy boy-pants.

Well classes start on Monday
and Eric gets back at five

so I just wanna like get out of here
before all the drama.

Wait a second...

If you?re actually going,

then who is going to be the recipient
of Fez? traditional midnight feel-up?



Well I was thinking that Fez?ll be
feeling up Jackie.

I mean, she?s his new victim...

I mean... girlfriend.

Oh. I don't know Jackie and I haven?t
even had our first official kiss yet.

Yeah it?s been a little hard making
the transition.

Yeah and I don?t know what
to do because...

now that she is not pushing me away
and saying "get off" it?s just awkward.

Wait a second...

Why are we wasting our time
talking about this?

Donna?s leaving town,
it?s the end of the decade,

we should be doing something
awesome man.

Something we have never done before...

Or this.

Wow...



Wine at eleven-thirty huh?

Did you run out of Bourbon?

Well I am just a complete wreck.

I?ve decided I don?t wanna
leave Wisconsin.

D?you tell Red?

Well I... I?ve been trying to but, he?s just,
he?s so excited about Florida.

Oh, but I?ve been dropping hints,

I told him that sunshine makes people whistle

because I know how much he wants
to punch those people in the face.

Steven!

Here?s a cheque for you.

It?s for all the rent you?ve paid
over the years.

I put it into a savings account so
you?d have something to get you started.

Wow!

This will buy me a monster bag of?

marshmellows...

Yeah well, you gonna need a place
to live now that we?re moving to Florida.

Boy...

It?s gonna be strange selling the house.

That?s true.

Plenty of warm memories?

You morons just hung vacancy-signs
on your asses! And my foot?s looking for a room!

You know I had to vandalize
your ass with my foot...

Sleep tight and don?t let the bedbugs
put their foot in your ass...

How?d you like to own a little bit
of my foot in your ass?

How about I drive my foot into
this thing called your ass?

You know we could call in a specialist
to find my foot in your ass...

My foot is about to drill a hole
in your ass...

And you are about to read a book
that my foot wrote...

It?s called ?On the road to in your ass?.

Did you ever actually do that
with your foot?

Once...

On Iwo Jima.

I can't talk about it...

I love this song.

Yes.

It?s perfect for our first real kiss.

What?

Stop it!

You smiled first!

Well I was thinking about tootsie rolls!

Uh Fez, we?re forcing this.

Our first kiss has to be romantic
and spontaneous.

And as a guy, it?s your job
to completely plan that out.

I hate being the guy.

And not just because of this.

The shoe selection is aweful.

Oh, Mrs. Forman...

I have here something

that might make Red reconsider
about moving.

Oh my God!

Packers season tickets?

Red had been on that waiting list
for ever!

Yeah my grandfather was
on that list for 30 years.

When the tickets finally came
he was 90 years old.

He ate them.

How did you get these?

I used the cash that Red gave me.

Oh I would hug you but
I know you don?t like that.

Thank you...

You are such a good boy!

Alright Mrs. Forman, that?s enough.

I?ll say when we?re done...

Jackie wants our first kiss to happen
somewhere romantic.

I wish I could bring her here
but this place is ruined...

"Michael + Jackie"...

It?s like going out after Sinatra.

Yeah we?ve had some good times
up here man.

My favourite thing was watching
how people got down?

This is a dangerous spot!

There you guys are.

KELSO!

Hey man, when did you get back?

Man, c'mon! I'm not going to spend
New Year's without my friends...

C'mon! Besides, it's, like the turn
of the century!

It?s so good to see you..

Did you just kiss my ear?

A little?

I liked it?

I?m so psyched, man...

I got this like four-foot bottle rocket

and then I?m gonna like tie it to my arm
and light it and just blast into the future!

Hey you guys...

I just thought of the perfect way
to put the seventies to bed.

What do you say the three of us jump
of this thing one last time together?

You?re reading my freakin? mind!

Alright you guys ready?

Okay...

One? two?

Wait, wait.

I know how this works...

You?re gonna say three and
I?m gonna be the only one that jumps.

Well if it makes you feel any better,
why don?t you do the counting?

That way we all have to jump!

Alright...

Here we go...

One?

two?

three!

AAAAHHHHAAAAHH!

I just can't wait to see my Eric!

I wonder what he'll look like?

I'm going to go out on a limb
and say...

...skinny.

- Hey.
- What the hell man!

I thought you left for school like
three hours ago.

I just want to see Eric
one last time, you know?

Show him that even though
he broke up with me that I'm fine.

Uh-huh...

Or maybe it's cause you still
looooove him...

You are so off.

- Oh he's here!
- Oh my God, how's my hair?

Where?s Eric?

The genius missed his flight.

I circled the airport so many times...

...that my finger actually hurts
from flipping people off!

This is so typical of Eric.

I let myself get all excited and then
he even doesn?t show up.

You know Mrs. Forman I?m sorry,
but your son...

is an inconsiderate jerk and
I?m so glad I?m through with him!

Yeah, things are going great in Chicago.

I even taught my baby daughter
how to say "Burn"...

She doesn't use it right though.

I get her a lot more than she gets me.

Hey, you?re still doing security
at the Playboy-club?

Yeah. I got promoted to supervisor.

I?m the guy who says:
"don?t touch".

Can you believe that?!
Me?!

Hey speaking of hot chicks, what's going
on with you and that stripper wife of yours?

Hmmm... not good, man.
She's gone.

Apparently she?s not the sweet innocent
little girl she pretends to be
at the start of her act.

That?s bad news.

I totally would?ve done it with her...

Man, Hyde, that was right on the bone.

My arm?s all tingly.

Just like your wife would have been
if I would have done it with her!

Oww!

Ah I missed this?

Remember that time you shot me
with a BB gun?

I still have the BB stuck
underneath my skin.

I like to play with it sometimes
when I get bored.

Just like I would have done
with your wife?

Awesome my tooth is loose!

Okay Jackie...

I think I figured out why we haven?t been
able to have our first kiss.

We have too much history together.

So... I thought that tonight...

...would be romantic if I rewrite
some of that history.

Look!

Oh crap!
It was dark...

This really shouldn?t be this hard.

I just want everybody to know
how much I love you.

I always have.

That was really nice.

Yeah... you have a really
strong tongue.

Yeah, it's from all the talking.

Just when I thought I can't like
Florida any more,

they reinstate the death penalty!

Red...

you are not gonna believe
what just came for you...

My Packer tickets?!

I know! Isn't it terrific?

Fifth row.

You can hear the knees
blowing out from there!

I can't believe I have to
give them away...

What?

I know how much you're looking
forward to Florida.

I wouldn't do that to you.

Red, I don't wanna move...

What...?

Well...

I was gonna tell you, but ever since
we decided to move you...

you've been so happy and smiley...

and you're never that way except
for when you kill a deer.

Red this is my home.

I don't wanna leave.

Kitty we don't have to go anywhere.

I don't care where I live.

As long as I'm with you...

- Really?
- Of course.

Red...

- I love you.
- Ohhh I love you too...

I was...
talking to the tickets...

- Hey.
- Oh hey man.

If you're looking for Forman,
he's still not here.

I don't wanna see him.

I just wanna get drunk and ring in
the New Year with my friends.

Oh...
Well in that case...

welcome on board of
"Wasted Airlines"...

Should you experience a loss of buzz,
a beer will fall into your hand...

Please make sure to drink that beer
before helping small children with theirs.

Everybody...

...we have an announcement...

we've decided...

not to sell the house.
We're going to stay in Point Place.

Hey, that's so weird, man. I was just
thinkin' of movin' to Point Place!

Well...

I am just...

I am just so happy we're staying
because...

I would miss you so.

Like Fez...

the way you and I have tea and...

make fun of male ice-skaters...

And Jackie...

you're such a doll.

I don't even mind your bad-handed
compliments.

Ohhh Mrs. Forman,
you're my favourite old lady!

Oh, and you too Leo...

You always make my day when
you wave and smile hello.

Even when you are urinating
on my mailbox...

Oh, and Bob...

No matter what I cook,
you can't pass it up.

Kinda like...

you can't pass up a woman's rear end
without yelling "Whoohoo"!

Just being polite.

And Steven...

My second son...

I adore you...

But you know uhm...

now that we're staying maybe you could
shave your mustache, because, Honey...

you look like a forty-year old
male prostitute.

And Donna, sweetheart...

No matter where you go...

I will always love you like a daughter.

I'm so sorry things didn't work out
with you and Eric.

Uhm...
I think I need some air...

So...

speaking of daughters...

has anyone seen Laurie?

Now listen Bob, uh...

I know that you were counting on me
for the bait shop and all...

Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.
I'm a big boy...

I can make it on my own...

I'm gonna miss you so much!

Wow, you're getting really good
at this kissing thing...

It's magical...

I couldn't ask for anything else.

So...
when do we get to second base?

Oh Mr. Forman, can I light this
off in your house?

Sure, and then I'll light my foot
off in your ass.

And that my friends, is the last
foot-in-ass of the decade!

Cheers!

Michael, I just...
it's so good to see you.

The girls in the emergency room
were just asking about you.

You know, it's like
I've been gone for so long...

I almost forgot you're a hot Mom!

You know what else it hot?
My foot when it's in your ass.

Look at that.
He got one more in him!

(Big Star's "Thirteen" playing)

Won't you let me walk you
home from school?

And won't you let me
meet you at the pool?

Maybe friday I can

get tickets
for the dance

And I'll take you

Ooh, hoo

Happy new year.

Eric.

Donna, I'm sorry I'm late.

I caught the last flight out.

So, uh...

Awkward.

So... how are you?

I'm good.

I start college next week.

Oh...

- That's awesome.
- Yeah.

So what, you just came back here
for New Year's Eve?

Look Donna...

when I left I was so...

positive that I was doing
the right thing.

- But now I've been gone so long...
- Eric, things are a lot different now...

I know.

It's just Donna, I thought
about you every day.

And you know what?
It turns out that, uhm...

Red was right...

I am a dumb-ass!

Donna, I'm sorry.

So uh...

- sounds like there is a party going on
in there? - Yeah there is...

You're Mom's like really drunk...

Oh okay...

Yeah I don't know if I'm ready
for all that.

I wish there was just some way
to take the edge off...

Edge, you are officially off!

Eric, I have the most incredible news.

I have kissed Jacqueline Burkhart!

Yeah Fez.
I have some incredible news too...

So has everyone else!

I think it makes total sense
that Fez ended up with Jackie.

She started out with me,
the Ferrari...

And then she went to Hyde,
the Mustang...

And now she's with Fez,
who's like a...

donkey pulling a cart full of brightly
colored Mexican blankets!

Oh hey Kelso, I almost forgot...

I got you something from Africa
for your daughter.

Check it out.
A genuine... plastic rhino-horn.

Awesome!
Look guys, I'm a rhino!

Guys, I think it's time we honor all
the braincells that survived the seventies.

Despite our best efforts
some of those bastards pulled through.

Tonight, they're going down...

Die braincells, die!
And you're next liver...

Hey... did you guys hear about
that car that runs on water?

It's got a fiberglass aircooled engine
and it runs on water, man!

It's like we never run out of things
to talk about down here...

I knew you burnouts were down here.

You guys, it's almost midnight.
Mrs. Forman is pouring the champagne.

Hey guys, last one up the stairs...

has to call Red a dumb-ass!

Oh man...

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5...

4, 3, 2, 1.

"Hello It's Me" by Todd Rundgren

It's important to me

that you got to have freedom

Free

'cause I never wanna
make you change for me

Boy we're good!

We're really good!