That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 8, Episode 1 - Bohemian Rhapsody - full transcript
It's a month since Eric left for Africa and Hyde disappeared in Chicago; Kitty is preparing a tape to send to Eric. She confesses to sampling some of the guys' stash. Kelso now claims he didn't actually have sex with Jackie, who's just back and furious with him. Hyde returns and punches Kelso. Charlie falls from the water tower - and dies (eliminating himself from the role of replacement Eric). Jackie hears Hyde was intending to propose in Chicago, and tries to make up. He says he's not ready to get married yet - just in time for the arrival of Sam, who announces she and Hyde are already married.
Previously on
That 70's Show...
Wow, uhm
you're gonna take a job
and move to Chicago?
Well, I'm willing to give it
all up and stay here with you.
But if I do that,
I need to know we're
gonna get married.
Well I don't know what
to say right now...
She took the job in Chicago
and she left this morning.
Check check check, no one can see us
doing it from the parking loAAAAHHH!
You're dead!
I'm NUDE!
Mrs. Forman, what a great idea making
a tape to send to Eric in Africa!
Oh please, I am
full of great ideas!
When he went to camp, I sent him
a huge card with my face on it
that says "Mommy loves you".
Well it made him miss me so much he
begged to come home the very next day.
Ah yes, the summer of
a thousand wedgies...
Eric is gonna be so excited
to hear some familiar voices.
OH! I do Porky Pig
Hababadahababada,
that is all people!
Is Hyde here?!
No Michael, you're safe.
We still haven't heard from Steven
since he left Chicago a month ago.
I don't know what
I'm doing here.
Hyde could show up any
minute and kick my ass.
I really need a soda cause I
just ate a whole bunch of salt.
Why is it so good?
I don't know, why don't you ask
Hyde, he is right behind you...
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
!
It's not even funny!
Okay then,
let's start the tape
Hi Eric, it's your mother.
I'm here with
Donna and Fez.
Hi honey!
Thank you for the
postcard with the monkeys.
I'm still bananas
about you too!
Okay, let's see,
where to start...
well your father and I were furious when
we caught you boys in that smokey basement.
The minute you left the airport we went down
there to do what the Fed's call 'a sweep'...
How dare you boys smoke up my
house when you know how hard I work
to keep it smelling
lemony-fresh!
You morons just hung vacancy-signs on your
asses! And my foot is looking for a room!
- Here it is!
- Here it is!
TWO bags?
I've never seen those
before in my life!
Your son has a
real problem!
Kitty, I want you to take this
garbage and flush it down the toilet!
I am just glad that we caught you boys
before this became an every day thing!
Is that all of it?
Yes sir, that's all of it.
Now there is nothing left for
us to do but to smoke Candyland.
I mean, I mean
play Canysmoke...
I mean... Aiii no!
And so I flushed it all down the
toilet and everyone learned a lesson...
Why don't you tell Eric
what else happened?
- Oeh let me, let me!
- Give me that!
I'll tell him...
Kitty! I found
another one!
Kitty?
What the hell?!
What do you have to
say for yourself?!
I'm STARVING!
I still can't believe Red caught you
in the bathroom with the guys stash.
Someone is getting a tye-dyed
apron for their birthday...!
No, I just
I wanted to see what
all the hubbub was about.
I mean I was skeptical about
tupperware and that was lifechanging!
Anyway Eric,
I suffered the consequences, your
father gave me a very stern talking to.
Kitty when we got married,
we took a vow. To be together
through sickness and in health.
But nobody said anything about what to
do if your wife turns into a dope fiend!
You're a nurse for God's sake!
You know this stuff is bad news!
Bad news isn't
the half of it!
Here are the facts:
when the smoke hits the
brain, the cells start dying.
This process causes
impaired judgement
and hallucinations and a
lot of other wonderful things
Is it Eric going away?
Is that why you
used this stuff?
Kitty,
if you were feeling blue, you
didn't have to turn to drugs!
I would have made
you a Martini!
What's so damn funny?!
Is it the big head thing?
I hardly felt a thing.
You ate a whole box
of uncooked spaghetti.
I needed something crunchy.
Anyway Eric,
the day you left,
Steven went to
Chicago to see Jackie
.. when he got there, he walked in on
Jackie and Kelso who were about to...
Get busy.
Have sex
Doooooo
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
Kelso told us the whole story
when he got back the next day.
No, hardly anything
happened okay.
Jackie asked me to stay
cause she was lonely.
The next thing you
know, I'm naked.
And then Hyde shows up
and kicks me out the door
and so I had to drive all the way
back here in this dress that I found.
All the truckers were flashing
their lights and honking their horns.
It was pretty great.
Man Hyde is gonna
kick your ass.
I know. I gotta get out of here
before someone kicks the crap out of me
YOU JERK!
HEY hey! Watch the face!
That's the paycheck!
Jackie,
aren't you supposed
to be in Chicago?!
Well I'm here to
get Steven back.
Uhh, where is he?
Oh he's not here.
He took off after he caught
you two about to DOOOO IIIIIT!
Oh my God, this is horrible.
I quit my job, I
lost my boyfriend.
My whole life is ruined.
Jackie, I'm really sorry
about what happened.
I never meant to come
between you and Hyde.
Let me ask you one question,
are we back
together or not?
Oh you are just
as dumb as ever!
Okay, you know you can insult me all
you want but just answer the question!
NO!
No you won't answer the
question?! Why not?
Because we're not together!
THAT'S the reason you
won't answer the question?!
NOOOOOO!
THEN WHAT'S THE REASON?
.. and that went on for
about... half an hour.
Oh hey Kitty.
I need to borrow some butter or
oil. Pretty much anything greasy.
Are you cooking?
Nope, tanning.
Hey, what's up with
the tape recorder?
Oh, I'm making a tape
to send to Eric. Here,
- say hi!
- Don't give him the microphone!
What's new pussycat
Whooohohoooowww..
What's new pussy..
Ai Donna! Boo! Boo!
Dad, just say
something normal.
Normal doesn't put
asses in the seats Donna.
For the last time,
there are no seats
anywhere around here!
Oh Red honey, here,
say something to Eric!
I'd love to
Son, I was out in the
garage the other day.
I looked down and I saw
your old baseball mitt.
And it made me think
what I always think.
What a waste of money
Actually Eric, you leaving
was very hard on your father.
The next day he just
sat around, moping.
I feel like
dancing!
By the way Eric, we gave some
of your toys to the church!
Give up Eric?
That's a deck of cards
hitting a bottle of soy sauce.
Eric, please come home. You
have no idea how much I miss you.
I miss you too honey.
I don't think I'll be
happy until I see you again.
Hey.
STEVEN'S HOME!
Okay Miss Kitty, he
doesn't like to be hugged!
Don't you ever
leave me again!
I spilled my
soda... Hiiiiiii.
I don't know
what to say man.
What about "Ow"?
Why would I say ow?
I get it!
Eric,
Steven just hit Michael.
And while I'm very disappointed
in Steven for hitting Michael,
it was very exciting!
Come on man, get up.
Why? So you can
deck me again?
Actually I'm fine now.
Everything I wanted to say
was in that one punch. Come on
It was a good one too.
Peed myself a little
on the way down.
I'm gonna go change
Hyde, where have you been?
Uh
I've been hanging out in Las Vegas
my man. And I've learned this:
you don't wanna show up
late to a Don Rickles Show
with puffy hair.
Well, you could have let
us know where you were.
I was worried sick about
you and I am very...
I got you this
A little tiny slotmachine!
It is so cute
Steven you're back!
Look, we have to talk.
About what? How
you nailed Kelso?
No, about our relationship.
Oh okay. I'll
start... You nailed Kelso!
You never gave me a
chance to explain!
BECAUSE YOU NAILED KELSO!
Mrs. Forman, start taping! Eric
loves it when he screams at her!
Steven I never even
slept with Michael.
Yeah right because Kelso is always showing
up at my hotelroom naked with a bucket of ice.
You know this is
your fault too.
Okay you two,
just stop yelling!
Go ahead.
No forget it.
Well I guess that's that.
Well that was horrible.
I know.
Where the hell is my
little tiny slotmachine...
Red
can you please just do me a favour
and tell Eric you miss him a little?
Oh fine. Give me the thing
Eric,
this is a little hard for me
cause I'm not real emotional but
I wanted to tell you that
you GI Joe's were killed.
In the great
Dumpster-war of 1979
Well your meatloaf
was lost in the great
"Make-your-own-dinner-war"
of 19-TODAY!
Well Eric,
now that I have a second,
I should catch you up on
your new friend Charlie.
Okay.
Who brought the beer?
I thought you were
bringing the beer.
No,
you were bringing
beer, I was chips.
YOU'RE bringing
beer, I was chips.
Fine. Give me the chips.
I forgot the chips.
You know what I forgot?
To stay home.
You guys.
How much do we
love this guy?
He's a prince!
Charlie, it is so awesome
hanging out with you.
Ah thanks guys, it feels so good to
finally belong to something you know.
It's like the first day
of the rest of my life!
THE BEER!
That was a pretty
awkward landing...
I hope he's okay.
Of course he's okay.
It's not like anyone ever died
falling off the watertower.
And so they renamed it the Charlie
Richardson Memorial Watertower.
Jackie, Hyde just needed to blow
off some steam, you guys aren't over.
Well if you
won't talk to me,
then maybe you'll
talk to Mr. Fluffycakes
Jackie!
My magical horn senses that you're
sad and you need someone to talk to!
Great.
Now he can't hear you
Hey
Jackie.
Oh, what do you want?
Man,
I feel really bad about
the way things turned out.
You and Hyde should be
together okay. Go talk to him.
Look there is no point okay.
I'm starting to think Steven never
really wanted to be with me at all.
This must be how ugly
people feel all the time.
I wouldn't know
about the ugly thing.
But I do know that he
does wanna be with you.
Why else would he drive all the
way to Chicago to propose to you?
Wait, what?!
Oh my God!
Steven was gonna propose?!
I have to find him!
Tell you what, that's the last time I wanna
mess around with a girl with a boyfriend.
Kelso, your hand
is on my butt.
Come on he's in Africa!
You know Red,
it really upset me this afternoon when
you wouldn't say anything nice to Eric.
Well I can see how that would surprise you, what
with nice things always bubbling out of my mouth.
Well it would just mean a lot to
me to hear you say how you feel.
Don't you even miss him?
Well let's say I did.
I still wouldn't feel
comfortable saying it on tape.
Well would it kill you just to
say it to me here in private?
Oh fine! I miss him!
Of course I miss him.
He's my son...
Why do you always
make me say things?!
Yeah
I should be in the FBI.
So anyway Forman, ramble on,
keep on keeping on,
most of all my friend,
rock on.
You know,
I never used to understand
that hippie-jargon,
but ever since my
"bathroom-experiment",
I'm cool man!
Oeh, let me just give
you two some privacy
Hey.
Hey.
Steven I am so sorry about
what happened in Chicago.
I was alone and I
thought I lost you.
Yeah well, I can see
why you thought that.
Look why didn't you tell me
sooner you wanted to get married?
Because I wasn't
sure I wanted to.
And now that I've thought about it, I'm
right, I'm not ready to be married yet.
Yet?
Oh, okay.
Well there you have it Eric,
Steven's not ready
to get married yet.
Hi I'm looking for...
HYDE!
Hey baby!
Hey... Sam.
Who the hell is that?!
This is Sam. She's a st...
exotic dancer
I met in Vegas.
I'm sorry, what
are you doing here?
You don't remember?
We got married.
- Oh my god!
- What?
One more thing Eric,
Steven married a stripper!
Being up here makes me think
of my poor friend Billy.
His name was Charlie
you cantaloup.
Kelso you've fallen off
this thing like ten times.
It's so scary to think you
could have... you know, like,
met the same
fate as Charlie.
Yeah.
It's like we go through our lives like thinking
we're invincible right, but the truth is
we're totally 'vincible
Did you see that?
I'm invicible!
That 70's Show...
Wow, uhm
you're gonna take a job
and move to Chicago?
Well, I'm willing to give it
all up and stay here with you.
But if I do that,
I need to know we're
gonna get married.
Well I don't know what
to say right now...
She took the job in Chicago
and she left this morning.
Check check check, no one can see us
doing it from the parking loAAAAHHH!
You're dead!
I'm NUDE!
Mrs. Forman, what a great idea making
a tape to send to Eric in Africa!
Oh please, I am
full of great ideas!
When he went to camp, I sent him
a huge card with my face on it
that says "Mommy loves you".
Well it made him miss me so much he
begged to come home the very next day.
Ah yes, the summer of
a thousand wedgies...
Eric is gonna be so excited
to hear some familiar voices.
OH! I do Porky Pig
Hababadahababada,
that is all people!
Is Hyde here?!
No Michael, you're safe.
We still haven't heard from Steven
since he left Chicago a month ago.
I don't know what
I'm doing here.
Hyde could show up any
minute and kick my ass.
I really need a soda cause I
just ate a whole bunch of salt.
Why is it so good?
I don't know, why don't you ask
Hyde, he is right behind you...
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
!
It's not even funny!
Okay then,
let's start the tape
Hi Eric, it's your mother.
I'm here with
Donna and Fez.
Hi honey!
Thank you for the
postcard with the monkeys.
I'm still bananas
about you too!
Okay, let's see,
where to start...
well your father and I were furious when
we caught you boys in that smokey basement.
The minute you left the airport we went down
there to do what the Fed's call 'a sweep'...
How dare you boys smoke up my
house when you know how hard I work
to keep it smelling
lemony-fresh!
You morons just hung vacancy-signs on your
asses! And my foot is looking for a room!
- Here it is!
- Here it is!
TWO bags?
I've never seen those
before in my life!
Your son has a
real problem!
Kitty, I want you to take this
garbage and flush it down the toilet!
I am just glad that we caught you boys
before this became an every day thing!
Is that all of it?
Yes sir, that's all of it.
Now there is nothing left for
us to do but to smoke Candyland.
I mean, I mean
play Canysmoke...
I mean... Aiii no!
And so I flushed it all down the
toilet and everyone learned a lesson...
Why don't you tell Eric
what else happened?
- Oeh let me, let me!
- Give me that!
I'll tell him...
Kitty! I found
another one!
Kitty?
What the hell?!
What do you have to
say for yourself?!
I'm STARVING!
I still can't believe Red caught you
in the bathroom with the guys stash.
Someone is getting a tye-dyed
apron for their birthday...!
No, I just
I wanted to see what
all the hubbub was about.
I mean I was skeptical about
tupperware and that was lifechanging!
Anyway Eric,
I suffered the consequences, your
father gave me a very stern talking to.
Kitty when we got married,
we took a vow. To be together
through sickness and in health.
But nobody said anything about what to
do if your wife turns into a dope fiend!
You're a nurse for God's sake!
You know this stuff is bad news!
Bad news isn't
the half of it!
Here are the facts:
when the smoke hits the
brain, the cells start dying.
This process causes
impaired judgement
and hallucinations and a
lot of other wonderful things
Is it Eric going away?
Is that why you
used this stuff?
Kitty,
if you were feeling blue, you
didn't have to turn to drugs!
I would have made
you a Martini!
What's so damn funny?!
Is it the big head thing?
I hardly felt a thing.
You ate a whole box
of uncooked spaghetti.
I needed something crunchy.
Anyway Eric,
the day you left,
Steven went to
Chicago to see Jackie
.. when he got there, he walked in on
Jackie and Kelso who were about to...
Get busy.
Have sex
Doooooo
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
Kelso told us the whole story
when he got back the next day.
No, hardly anything
happened okay.
Jackie asked me to stay
cause she was lonely.
The next thing you
know, I'm naked.
And then Hyde shows up
and kicks me out the door
and so I had to drive all the way
back here in this dress that I found.
All the truckers were flashing
their lights and honking their horns.
It was pretty great.
Man Hyde is gonna
kick your ass.
I know. I gotta get out of here
before someone kicks the crap out of me
YOU JERK!
HEY hey! Watch the face!
That's the paycheck!
Jackie,
aren't you supposed
to be in Chicago?!
Well I'm here to
get Steven back.
Uhh, where is he?
Oh he's not here.
He took off after he caught
you two about to DOOOO IIIIIT!
Oh my God, this is horrible.
I quit my job, I
lost my boyfriend.
My whole life is ruined.
Jackie, I'm really sorry
about what happened.
I never meant to come
between you and Hyde.
Let me ask you one question,
are we back
together or not?
Oh you are just
as dumb as ever!
Okay, you know you can insult me all
you want but just answer the question!
NO!
No you won't answer the
question?! Why not?
Because we're not together!
THAT'S the reason you
won't answer the question?!
NOOOOOO!
THEN WHAT'S THE REASON?
.. and that went on for
about... half an hour.
Oh hey Kitty.
I need to borrow some butter or
oil. Pretty much anything greasy.
Are you cooking?
Nope, tanning.
Hey, what's up with
the tape recorder?
Oh, I'm making a tape
to send to Eric. Here,
- say hi!
- Don't give him the microphone!
What's new pussycat
Whooohohoooowww..
What's new pussy..
Ai Donna! Boo! Boo!
Dad, just say
something normal.
Normal doesn't put
asses in the seats Donna.
For the last time,
there are no seats
anywhere around here!
Oh Red honey, here,
say something to Eric!
I'd love to
Son, I was out in the
garage the other day.
I looked down and I saw
your old baseball mitt.
And it made me think
what I always think.
What a waste of money
Actually Eric, you leaving
was very hard on your father.
The next day he just
sat around, moping.
I feel like
dancing!
By the way Eric, we gave some
of your toys to the church!
Give up Eric?
That's a deck of cards
hitting a bottle of soy sauce.
Eric, please come home. You
have no idea how much I miss you.
I miss you too honey.
I don't think I'll be
happy until I see you again.
Hey.
STEVEN'S HOME!
Okay Miss Kitty, he
doesn't like to be hugged!
Don't you ever
leave me again!
I spilled my
soda... Hiiiiiii.
I don't know
what to say man.
What about "Ow"?
Why would I say ow?
I get it!
Eric,
Steven just hit Michael.
And while I'm very disappointed
in Steven for hitting Michael,
it was very exciting!
Come on man, get up.
Why? So you can
deck me again?
Actually I'm fine now.
Everything I wanted to say
was in that one punch. Come on
It was a good one too.
Peed myself a little
on the way down.
I'm gonna go change
Hyde, where have you been?
Uh
I've been hanging out in Las Vegas
my man. And I've learned this:
you don't wanna show up
late to a Don Rickles Show
with puffy hair.
Well, you could have let
us know where you were.
I was worried sick about
you and I am very...
I got you this
A little tiny slotmachine!
It is so cute
Steven you're back!
Look, we have to talk.
About what? How
you nailed Kelso?
No, about our relationship.
Oh okay. I'll
start... You nailed Kelso!
You never gave me a
chance to explain!
BECAUSE YOU NAILED KELSO!
Mrs. Forman, start taping! Eric
loves it when he screams at her!
Steven I never even
slept with Michael.
Yeah right because Kelso is always showing
up at my hotelroom naked with a bucket of ice.
You know this is
your fault too.
Okay you two,
just stop yelling!
Go ahead.
No forget it.
Well I guess that's that.
Well that was horrible.
I know.
Where the hell is my
little tiny slotmachine...
Red
can you please just do me a favour
and tell Eric you miss him a little?
Oh fine. Give me the thing
Eric,
this is a little hard for me
cause I'm not real emotional but
I wanted to tell you that
you GI Joe's were killed.
In the great
Dumpster-war of 1979
Well your meatloaf
was lost in the great
"Make-your-own-dinner-war"
of 19-TODAY!
Well Eric,
now that I have a second,
I should catch you up on
your new friend Charlie.
Okay.
Who brought the beer?
I thought you were
bringing the beer.
No,
you were bringing
beer, I was chips.
YOU'RE bringing
beer, I was chips.
Fine. Give me the chips.
I forgot the chips.
You know what I forgot?
To stay home.
You guys.
How much do we
love this guy?
He's a prince!
Charlie, it is so awesome
hanging out with you.
Ah thanks guys, it feels so good to
finally belong to something you know.
It's like the first day
of the rest of my life!
THE BEER!
That was a pretty
awkward landing...
I hope he's okay.
Of course he's okay.
It's not like anyone ever died
falling off the watertower.
And so they renamed it the Charlie
Richardson Memorial Watertower.
Jackie, Hyde just needed to blow
off some steam, you guys aren't over.
Well if you
won't talk to me,
then maybe you'll
talk to Mr. Fluffycakes
Jackie!
My magical horn senses that you're
sad and you need someone to talk to!
Great.
Now he can't hear you
Hey
Jackie.
Oh, what do you want?
Man,
I feel really bad about
the way things turned out.
You and Hyde should be
together okay. Go talk to him.
Look there is no point okay.
I'm starting to think Steven never
really wanted to be with me at all.
This must be how ugly
people feel all the time.
I wouldn't know
about the ugly thing.
But I do know that he
does wanna be with you.
Why else would he drive all the
way to Chicago to propose to you?
Wait, what?!
Oh my God!
Steven was gonna propose?!
I have to find him!
Tell you what, that's the last time I wanna
mess around with a girl with a boyfriend.
Kelso, your hand
is on my butt.
Come on he's in Africa!
You know Red,
it really upset me this afternoon when
you wouldn't say anything nice to Eric.
Well I can see how that would surprise you, what
with nice things always bubbling out of my mouth.
Well it would just mean a lot to
me to hear you say how you feel.
Don't you even miss him?
Well let's say I did.
I still wouldn't feel
comfortable saying it on tape.
Well would it kill you just to
say it to me here in private?
Oh fine! I miss him!
Of course I miss him.
He's my son...
Why do you always
make me say things?!
Yeah
I should be in the FBI.
So anyway Forman, ramble on,
keep on keeping on,
most of all my friend,
rock on.
You know,
I never used to understand
that hippie-jargon,
but ever since my
"bathroom-experiment",
I'm cool man!
Oeh, let me just give
you two some privacy
Hey.
Hey.
Steven I am so sorry about
what happened in Chicago.
I was alone and I
thought I lost you.
Yeah well, I can see
why you thought that.
Look why didn't you tell me
sooner you wanted to get married?
Because I wasn't
sure I wanted to.
And now that I've thought about it, I'm
right, I'm not ready to be married yet.
Yet?
Oh, okay.
Well there you have it Eric,
Steven's not ready
to get married yet.
Hi I'm looking for...
HYDE!
Hey baby!
Hey... Sam.
Who the hell is that?!
This is Sam. She's a st...
exotic dancer
I met in Vegas.
I'm sorry, what
are you doing here?
You don't remember?
We got married.
- Oh my god!
- What?
One more thing Eric,
Steven married a stripper!
Being up here makes me think
of my poor friend Billy.
His name was Charlie
you cantaloup.
Kelso you've fallen off
this thing like ten times.
It's so scary to think you
could have... you know, like,
met the same
fate as Charlie.
Yeah.
It's like we go through our lives like thinking
we're invincible right, but the truth is
we're totally 'vincible
Did you see that?
I'm invicible!