That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 7, Episode 7 - Mother's Little Helper - full transcript

Eric...

I found this in the garage
and I want an explanation.

Okay, when people write stories and glue the
pages together, it forms what we call a book,

I don't want "the joy of sex"
polluting my house.

"The joy of sex."
What a load of crap.

That book's
for perverts, Red.

You should give it to me
so I can sell it to Fez.

Red, the book is mine.

I put it in the garage
so you would find it.

Uh-oh. I'm late for work.

No, no, no, I am serious. It's high time you
and I put some zip back in the bedroom.



I got a great idea.

We'll put a TV in the bedroom.
There's your zip.

Okay, I want
the full Fez treatment...

a wash, cream rinse and a lot of that
wiggly stuff you do with your fingers.

It's magical.

Abracadabra, baby.

So, Danielle, what's on your schedule today?
I mean, besides looking beautiful.

Well, looking beautiful is from
10 to 12, then I have a date.

Ooh, hot date alert.
Tsss!

It's not that hot. The guy's
kind of a knucklehead.

I mean, he's really cute, but it's like,
when I talk, he's not paying attention to me.

Oh!

I hear this complaint
20 times a day.

You're a treasure. He should
worship you like a big stone head.



You're so great. You know,
you really get women.

Well, if you mean "get" as in
"understand," then, yes, I get them.

But if you mean "get"
as in "get,"

then, no, never.

If I had a woman like you, I would
give her anything her heart desired.

Maybe I should blow off my date
and go out with a guy like you.

And when I say, "a guy like you,"
I mean you, specifically.

Wow.

But just to be clear, I still
have a tip coming, right?

That 70's Show - Saison 7 Episode 07
"Mothers little helper"

Traduction par Guzo et Fabregues
Synchro par Kiff

Merci ? Raceman

Pre?asoval / Retiming
blsho

Steven. Steven, would you please stop
doing that? You're gonna get all Eric-Y.

Give.

Jackie, boys have to play fight because
they secretly want to touch each other.

Yeah, you guys wish
you could play fight.

But girls can't, 'cause it
always turns into a real fight.

Are you seriously telling me that if Jackie
and i wanted to play fight, we couldn't?

Um, let me listen for the
echo of what I just said.

Girls can't play fight.
Yep! That's what I think.

I agree. Girls
are bitches.

Really?

- Come on, Jackie. Put your dukes up.
- Okay.

Watch and learn, boys.

See, it's all fun and games.

Ow, you scratched me!

Get off of me, bigfoot!

Let go of my hair or I'll
pound your tiny ass!

- Spoilsport.
- Hey,

yours is gonna kill mine.

Ladies, that was pathetic.

What?
That wasn't even real.

- We're fine.
- Yeah.

I don't know what you're
talking about. I had fun.

Oh, you're so immature!

You guys aren't going
to believe this.

Wait.

Were two hot girls
just fighting in here?

No.

Someone is lying.

Anyway,

I was just shampooing this foxy girl
Danielle, and the next thing I know,

we're making out
in the shampoo closet.

Wait a second, you're trying to tell me that you
were shampooing a girl and she got so horny,

she had to make out with you
in the shampoo closet?

That doesn't sound real, man.
That sounds like a mad lib.

Yeah, are you sure you
weren't just kissing a mop?

'Cause, man, I've
seen you do that.

No, no.

Danielle kept going on and on about this
adorable knucklehead she was dating,

and I just sympathized
with her problems.

Well, that makes sense.

I mean, all a woman really
wants is a man who listens.

I listen.

And doesn't pat
himself on the back.

I never pat myself
on the back.

So, yeah, I got that
going for me.

You guys, something happened today
that has never happened to me before.

Oh, you did long division?

No, I got stood up.

I was supposed to meet this girl Danielle
after her haircut, and she never showed.

Danielle!

Danielle?

Okay, wait a second, first
a girl fight and now this?

I vote "Best day ever."

Kelso is the adorable knucklehead.

Hey, thanks, Fez, but I'm
trying to tella story here.

Okay, so I've been trying to figure
out why she didn't show,

and I've come to the only
logical conclusion...

she's dead.

Kelso, maybe Danielle met a guy
that she likes better than you.

Don't be crazy, Fez. Danielle is dead,
and we can never bring her back.

Kitty, we don't need
"The joy of sex."

Well, why not? It's not dirty. This book...
it doesn't even have photographs, just

sketches.

But they're so detailed.
They draw in every single part.

And it's not to scale.

Oh, here's a fun idea.

Okay.

Instead of throwing away our old dish
towels, we can use them as blindfolds

and play a sexy bedroom
version of marco polo.

Oh, come on. Don't you want to be
one of those fun, older couples?

Kitty, I want us to grow old
and withdraw into ourselves.

Hey, what's for lunch?

Well, I was thinking of making something, but that
would mean I would have to look at a cookbook,

and I don't like to learn
new things from books.

Yeah, so is
lunch off or, um...

I mean, what's the lay
of the lunch land here?

I don't see why I have to read
a book on bodily functions.

I've never read a book on eating,
yet I'm extremely well fed.

But I'm not.
Could I, like...

seriously, like a
sandwich or...

Well, you know what?

Nobody is eating unless you
give this book a try. Until then,

I quit cooking.

Wow, I can't believe I'm
asking you this, but

please have kinky sex
with my mother.

No, Danielle, I love your outfit. But
I just think you can always go tighter.

Oh, my god!
Danielle, you're alive!

Yeah, why
wouldn't I be?

Well,

then if you're not dead, then...
then why did you blow off our date?

Look at him try
and put it together.

He's got it now.

No, wait, he doesn't.

Yeah, now... wow.
Not yet. Wow.

This is, like, the
slowest burn ever.

This is like how burns were in the
1800s before we had electricity.

Danielle stood you up so she could make out
with the adorable new man in her life.

Ah... me.

That's right.
Ah.. him.

Don't bump me.

Don't get in
my way.

Well, maybe I wouldn't be in your way if you could sit
still like a normal person instead of a vibrating spazoid.

Really?

Well, guess what.
You fight like a poor girl.

Get off me!

Get off me!

This ain't over, squatty!

Get off. I'm going.

Hey, if they're gonna keep this up,
we should invest in a video camera.

All right, Fez, stand up so I can kick your ass.
How dare you steal a girl out from under me!

First of all, I can do
whatever I want.

Second of all, when I stole her,
she was not under you, she was under moi.

That's it.

Whoa! Whoa!
Guys, listen.

I just realized I am not strong enough
to hold you two apart. Hyde, come on.

Kelso,

Maybe you shouldn't be asking what he did.
You should be asking what you did to let it happen.

Or what you didn't do.

You know, maybe you
just lost your mojo.

Look, a guy can't
just lose his mojo, okay?

Can he?

Well, when was the last time
you made out with two girls at once?

That was...

Oh, no.

I can't remember.

Kissed four different girls
in the same day?

I don't know!

You guys, I might've
lost my mojo.

And I got it.
I got your mojo.

Which reminds me,
I also have your yo-yo, so...

I want 'em both back.

You know, how can I lose a girl to you?
You don't even speak English.

Well, Kelso, look at
the bright side.

Danielle is a wonderful girl
who likes me better than you.

Why is that
the bright side?

Because...
Burn !!!

These are stale.

Well, eat slow.
We gotta make 'em last.

Hey ya, Red.

Eric told me you and Kitty are having a little
trouble in the old hee-hoo department.

You told Bob?

Are you
out of your puny mind?

Look, you have to work
this stuff out with mom.

She hasn't fed us in
three days. Dad,

I can't afford
not to eat.

Yesterday I ate a
raisin off the floor.

I'm not even sure
if it was really a raisin.

Look, Red,

you should take Kitty's request
for a love life spice up seriously.

When Midge wanted
to turbo charge our love life,

it was really a symptom
of a much deeper marital problem.

Yeah, that you
were deviants.

Deviants? Well, the couple we were
dating sure didn't seem to think so.

I'm tellin' you, this problem
is not just about sex.

It isn't?

Well, maybe she's just unhappy emotionally.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?

No, Red. It means you have a problem.
And you have to deal with it.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, I guess it's important that Kitty get
listened to. Eric, go listen to your mother.

Why me?

Because without food,
you'll die first.

So, Danielle, tell me again how much
more you like me than Kelso.

Well, you're sensitive

and thoughtful
and understanding

and very, very sexy.

Lady, don't ever
stop talking.

And you're funny
and sweet.

And did I mention?
Very, very sexy.

Lady, you gotta shut up.

So, mom, in the
interest of returning

regular meal service
to my now shattered life...

I'm here to help. So, uh, just
tell me the problem beneath

the dirty,
gross problem.

Honey, there is none.

I just want your father and me to have
more adventurous sexual intercourse.

Well, this is one of those times
I'm kinda happy my stomach's empty.

Um, look, instead
of calling it,

uh, sexual inter--ah.
Ahem.

Instead of
calling it that,

why don't we call it,
like, a walk in the park?

Fine. I want your father and I to have
more adventurous walks in the park.

I want to walk in the
park in the kitchen.

walk in the park
on a tuesday.

I even want to walk
in the park in the park.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, um...

Okay, um, mom, I think you're--
you're playing this all wrong.

Dad wants you to have
a deeper emotional issue.

Invent one.

He'll give you anything you
want to avoid talking about

walks in the park.

So think big. You know, I might be able to
get you diamonds here. Maybe even a new car.

This is like emotional "price is right,"
baby. You're in the showcase.

Oh!

I also want to walk in the
park during "the price is right."

Well, what's the news?

You better start studying.

All right.

So I spent the whole day thinking
about what happened with Danielle.

And I realized that
I shouldn't be mad at you.

I should be asking
you for help.

Holy crap, man. Now you're
asking Fez for girl advice?

Next thing you know Donna's gonna be
asking Forman how to throw a ball.

Look, he's the one
with the girl.

All right, Fez. So
where'd I go wrong?

Well, Danielle said you were a bad listener
and I'm a good listener. I heard her.

But so what?
I hurt girls all the time.

No, not "hurt."
Heard. I heard.

- You heard what?
- Danielle. I heard Danielle.

Why'd she choose you over me?
Jeez. It's like talking to a 2 year old here.

She chose Fez because he listens when a
woman talks instead of staring at her chest.

Stop staring
at my chest!

I'm sorry. Look, I've been
screwed by darwinism.

I never needed to evolve listening skills
'cause my looks are so highly developed.

Oh, that's not
how evolution works.

Yeah, sure it is.
Look,

say I had to catch my own food, right?
But I only ate really fast animals.

My feet would eventually
evolve into rockets.

Man, it's amazing your brain
doesn't evolve into pudding.

All right, Fez, come on.
I need your help.

Why should I help you?

B-because you owe me.

Think about all the times that I set you up
with my dates' less-pretty friends.

That's true. You have
thrown me some uggos.

All right, so show
a little appreciation.

Fine.

But you have to promise not to use what
I teach you on Danielle to get her back.

- She's mine.
- Done.

Okay, Donna,
I need your help.

Now sit here
and pretend to be a girl.

Now tell a girlie story.
Kelso,

you listen and repeat
back whatever she says.

- Okay, you ready?
- Yeah.

Kelso, I had the worst day.

I didn't know what shoes to wear--
with a heel, without a heel...

I'm running out of firecrackers.

I bet I could a been best
friends with spider-man.

Is that a new muscle?

Well, hello, new muscle.
Welcome to Kelso town.

Kelso.

Kelso!

What?

You weren't
even listening.

How do you know?

'Cause you were staring at the ceiling
with your tongue hanging out.

Kelso, when a woman talks,

you have to look her in the eyes and pretend
her words are like oxygen and without them,

you can't breathe.

But I don't care
what she says.

How the heck
did you ever get a girl?

I don't know. I just stare at her
until she stops talking, then I kiss her.

Unbelievable.

All right, Kitty.

I want you to be
happy, I really do.

And to make that beautiful,
illusive dream come true,

I'm willing to try
page 46.

Really?

Oh, Red, thank you.

Oh.

Page 46--
that is so fancy.

What?

Oh, dear god, no!
Not, uh,

not page 46. I meant
page 47. Page 47.

And no funny stuff
after I fall asleep.

And I didn't know what to do because I had
just polished my nails and I didn't wanna

mess up my manicure.

You're such a good listener.
I can't take it anymore.

What are you doing?
Get off my lady!

- Fez!
- You shut your hot little mouth.

You promised you wouldn't use
anything I taught you on Danielle.

Come on, you can't give me a gun
and expect me not to shoot people with it.

Danielle, you have to choose.
Him or me?

- But I--
- I said choose, woman!

Well, Fez, if I have to choose between the
two of you, I mean, the choice is obvious.

I choose you, Fez.

What are you, stupid?

I mean, I mean, of course.
Yes, good choice. Yes.

Wait. Him? How can
you choose him?

I don't know. I guess I have this thing
for guys who boss me around.

I'll meet you in the car, or
wherever you tell me to meet you.

Oh, you'll meet me in
the car, and you'll like it.

I will.

Okay,

Here's the thing, Fez...

She's clearly a lunatic,

Which means that she's gonna be super
hot in bed, so congratulations on that one.

But you did snake her from me.
So I get a free punch.

But you did snake her back, so...

How do guys play fight
without getting into a real fight?

Well, maybe'cause when they fight, Michael
doesn't elbow everything like a blonde tard-O.

See? Now that is gonna
get your ass kicked.

Oh, I'm gonna punch you
in your fat melon head.

Good luck reaching
it, tiny loser.

Thanks, Tommy.

Is that bacon I smell?

Oh, what a perfect morning.

- Marco!
- Polo!

Oh, my god!