That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 7, Episode 22 - 2000 Light Years from Home - full transcript

Hey! Great news. I'm on my
way to becoming a teacher.

I filled out all my college
applications in Red pen.

That's a little... that's,
like, a little teacher joke.

Well, now look at him...

out of bed and doing something
productive before noon.

Honey, you're like a marine.

A marine?

The only time I ever saw him storm a beach
was when he was running away from a jellyfish.

Hey, dad, all I
need from you now

is a financial statement so the school
can see where I'm getting the old moola.

Uh, well, um,



bad news. I, uh...

I spent your college money to
keep the muffler shop going.

What?

This is really weird, because my
parents, instead of paying for my college,

bought me a muffler.

Dad, how am I supposed
to pay for college?

Look, with this damn mild
winter, nobody's muffler rusted.

I tried to rust them.

I went out at night and sprinkled
salt all over the streets.

Not my good kosher salt.

Yes, Kitty, I sprinkled
the streets of Point Place

with your half-pound
bag of salt.

Wait. Mom, you
knew about this?

And you just said, "Please, go ahead. Take my
son's college money and use it on a muffler shop"?



No.

I think your father asked me if I
thought you would amount to anything,

and I said, "I really,
really hope so."

And then he said, "I'm spending Eric's
college money on my muffler shop."

And then I made the best
blueberry cobbler I have ever made.

Man, that was good.

Best cobbler ever.

Huh.

I remember that cobbler.

I always wondered why,
when I said it was so good,

you said, "at least I can give
you this," and started to cry.

Well, look at
the bright side.

There's always a place for
you at a failing muffler shop.

So the upshot is, I have
absolutely no money for college.

Eric, don't worry. There are plenty
of ways to get money for school.

Yeah, man. You could always
get a football scholarship.

Hey, look, he weighs about as much as a
football, and people do like to kick him.

I know what you should do.

You should go to Hollywood and
become the next Gene Wilder.

That guy's a laugh riot.

Eric, you should
go see Mr. Bray.

Finding money for college is what
high school guidance counselors do.

Yeah, they also spend a lot of time
staring at themselves in the mirror saying,

"I can't believe, I'm a high
school guidance counselor."

I don't know about Mr. Bray. I
don't think he really liked me.

One time I told him I was
being bullied, and he just said,

"What'd you expect?"

All right, I'll go with you.

He'll help. He
totally loved me...

in almost entirely
appropriate ways.

Okay,

I'm breaking up with Angie.
All we have anymore is hot sex.

Hot sex? All I
have is hot soup.

Can't make love to that.

Too damn hot.

So, Kelso, you gonna break
up with her your usual way...

Send a note saying you got
kidnapped by kung fu robots?

No, it won't work with her. She
doesn't even believe in kung fu robots.

Just gonna have
to talk to her.

Whoa! Kelso,

you never break up
with a girl to her face.

You usually have me
tell her you're dead.

And then when she
eventually sees you,

you have me tell
her you're a ghost.

Michael, why don't you
do what you did with me?

Toilet paper my house!

I can't do that to Angie.

I respect her too much 'cause she
agreed to have sex with me so fast.

Look, I don't
care how you do it.

I'm just happy you won't be
violating my sister anymore.

Yeah, I know you
hated it, Hyde.

I would have broken up with her sooner
if I didn't find it so hilarious.

You be nice, or
I will marry her.

That 70's Show - Saison 7 Episode 22
"2000 Light Years From Home"

Traduction par Guzo et
Yvan Synchro par Kiff

Merci ? Raceman

Pre?asoval / Retiming
blsho

I'm so glad you
came by, daddy.

Well, I missed you guys.
I'm not just your rich boss.

I'm also your rich dad.

In fact, everyone related to me,
grab some cash from the register.

Uh, I've already been
in there once today.

But you're the boss.

Okay. I can do this.

I'm just gonna tell Angie that things are
fizzling between us, and we should end it.

- Hey, how's it going, sweets?
- Not bad, toots.

Oh, him. Go, go, go.

Okay. Well, um,

we need to talk
about something.

This might be kind
of hard to take.

Fez still wets the bed.

- What?
- Eww!

At least we're still
together. I'll see you later.

I'm going to wet your bed.

Hey, Angie, can you recommend a record?
Something Dean Martiny, but not Dean Martin,

because I don't like that he
didn't wave to me in Atlantic city.

Well, I don't know much about Dean Martin, but I do
know that the top-selling record this week is Blondie.

Abroad, huh?

Is she jazzy?

Well, I know she's blonde.

Here you go, bob.
Try this Joey Bishop.

He swings like Dean, but
he'll wave at anybody.

Good job knowing the
number one album, honey.

I love watching
you in action,

because the more you
work, the less I have to.

Well, I'm just trying to get ready for the
day you kick the bucket, and I get everything.

Just like her mother.

Oh, my god.

I can't believe I have to tell my high school guidance
counselor that I spent an entire year doing nothing.

He's gonna think
I'm such a loser.

Oh! Donna, let's
tell him it's you.

No. You're a much
more believable loser.

Oh, come on. He won't
judge you. He loves you.

I mean, Jeez, he
asked you to prom.

Okay, let's see...

Donna.

What a pleasant...

Pleasant surprise.

Jeez, you've done something different
with your hair since the prom.

Yeah. You noticed.

Well, I notice everything
about all my students.

I put on a little weight.

And you are?

Eric.

Forman.

1977's most
improved mathlete.

Oh, right. Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry, Eric. I...

I just figured the
bullies had gotten ya.

Anyway, Donna here is looking
for some college scholarships.

Well, Donna, you've come to the right place,
because I am an expert at college scholarships

as well as the
affairs of the heart.

Why don't you have just a little
seat right here, young lady?

Thank you.

Uh... I guess I'll, um...

Great.

So, Donna, to figure out what
scholarships you're eligible for,

I'll have to know what
you've done for the last year.

Oh. Um, well,
not a lot. I...

Read comic books...

Acted out movies
with my dolls...

Action figures!

You always insist that they
are called action figures.

Jeez, that's... you know, if Eric had told
me he had wasted a whole year of his life,

I wouldn't be surprised,
but... but you?

I know. I'm just as
surprised as you are.

It has been a long, ugly
fall. Very hard to watch.

In fact, just between
you and me, she's

even gotten into a little
bit of the smokey-smokey.

All right.

Screw this.

The scholarship is for him.

Eric, good luck.

Mr. Bray, my coming here was not an
invitation to start driving by my house again.

Hey, uh, my mother
lives right next door.

I live right next door.

Oh. Well...

How's mother?

Oh, my god! You guys,

I just got a promotion.

Daddy says I've been
doing such a great job

that he wants me to move to Milwaukee
and help run the corporate office.

Wait, what about Steven? He's
the one doing the great job.

You just sit around doing your
nails and making smart-ass comments.

Jackie, that's you.

Yeah. Well, it's
annoying, now isn't it?

How did you get a promotion? You
don't know anything about music.

Last week a guy came in asking for Kiss. You
called him a pervert and slapped him in the face.

Well, did your dad say
anything about Steven?

I don't know. I just heard the word "promotion,"
and I got a little dizzy and sort of blacked out.

It was awesome.

Well, here's the america I know... the
person who can't do anything rises to the top,

while the guy who's working
his ass off gets nothing.

Are you supposed to be the
guy that works his ass off?

Don't make this more
complicated than it has to be.

Jackie! Listen,

I need some advice on
breaking up with girls, okay?

And you've been
broken up with a lot,

and several times by me.

So what didn't you like?

Oh, um, the lying, the
cheating, the sneaking around.

Oh, and I also didn't like Fez trying
to make out with me five minutes later.

Well, then you're really
not gonna like this.

Look, I don't know how
to break up with Angie.

Well, why don't you try to figure out how
to do it kindly, maturely, respectfully?

Yeah.

- That sounds nice.
- Hmm.

I think I'm just gonna
sleep with her best friend.

Okay,

I actually got some great news
from the guidance counselor.

There's this program where you go and
teach in an impoverished area for a year,

and then they pay
for your college.

I signed up.

- Eric, that's perfect.
- That's wonderful!

See? I knew spending your college
money would work out for the best.

You're welcome.

So what impoverished
area will you go to?

Is it east Milwaukee?

I made a wrong turn there once, and
I ended up in an awful neighborhood.

There were kids playing
radios on a street corner.

No, I'm not going
to Milwaukee.

So where then?

Africa!

Africa, Wisconsin?

You're going to
teach in Africa?

What are you gonna teach 'em,
how to get eaten by an ostrich?

Mom, an ostrich?

I saw a documentary.

They are vicious,
cruel creatures.

Well, I think it's great
he's going to Africa.

It'll make him a man.

You think the only way
to become a man is to die.

How are you gonna feel when
your son gets killed by a lion

or a disease-carrying fly?

You get killed by a fly, I'm
not buying you a headstone.

You can't go to Africa.

They don't even
have ketchup there.

You put ketchup
on everything.

You'll starve to death.

Can you believe how
much she's freaking out?

No.

I cannot believe that someone
you supposedly love is upset

that you decided to go to Africa
without considering her feelings at all!

See? Donna understands.

So there's a problem with my "sleeping
with Angie's best friend" plan.

Angie's best friend is Hyde.

You know what we
may have to do here?

The dark room switch.

You will make love
to her in a dark room.

Halfway through, you
will excuse yourself.

Then I'll come in, pretend
to be you and finish the job.

And how does that
fix my problem?

Oh. I was working
on my problem.

You guys, Donna's totally freaking out about this
Africa thing. She won't return any of my calls.

Think I have a solution.

The dark room switch.

Look, man, tell
Donna to just lay off,

Okay? Africa is
gonna be awesome.

You know, they have this bug over
there that burrows into your brain,

and it lays, like,
a thousand eggs.

And then when the eggs hatch, they, like,
shoot out of your head like little worm bullets.

Kelso, those worms
aren't in Africa.

They're on the
planet Zorgon,

which is from a comic book

that you wrote.

Just trying to
generate a little buzz.

W. B.,

What the hell
were you thinking?

I don't know. I thought I'd try
a new thing with my shoulders.

Look, he means, why did you
promote that whore Angie?

You mean my daughter Angie.

I stand by my statement.

You can't hit a girl.

Look, if this is about me not being
professional, I've already told you...

bottle rocket friday
nights are over.

Steven, I'm moving Angie to Milwaukee
to get her away from the customers.

I love my little girl, but you're the one who
should be running that store. So it's yours.

Whoa.

Uh, thanks, man.

Oh, my god! I own
a record store!

No, I own a record store.

Actually, I own
a record store.

I own one-third
of a record store!

Moving Angie here is gonna
work out for everybody.

See, I just got into this real snooty country
club, and they don't think I'm gonna be there much.

But I'm gonna be there
all day, every day.

And I'm bringing friends.

So I need somebody around
here looking after things

while I'm out making
white people uncomfortable.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

How are ya? I'm Eric's guidance counselor.
I just came over with some papers for him.

You look familiar.

Do you live around here? 'Cause I see you
drive up and down the street all the time.

Yeah, well, I see you emptying your
trash in your bathrobe all the time,

but I keep it
to myself, okay?

Eric, I brought you a brochure
with some survival tips, on Africa.

Funny,

They don't have brochures with
survival tips on Wisconsin.

That's because death isn't
hiding behind every bush.

Mom, please.

I'm sorry if Eric's
trip has upset anyone.

It's upset everyone.

I'm not upset.
I'm tickled pink.

What about Donna?
How's Donna doing?

I don't know. She's
not even talking to me.

Ah. Yeah, well, you know, sometimes I think she just
kind of lets her fiery emotions get the best of her.

But I think maybe a gentle word
from me might just calm her down or

send her into the
arms of someone else.

You know what? You're
not gonna talk to her.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

So do you guys
have a daughter?

Angie...

I've been thinking
about this all day,

and I finally
worked up the nerve.

And

I think we need
to talk about us.

Michael, I'm
breaking up with you.

How

dare you?!

I'm moving to Milwaukee.

Milwau...

well, when were
you gonna tell me,

you know, your boyfriend?

Come on.

You know things were
sort of fizzling anyways.

F-fizzling?

How can you even say that?

What about all the times you said that
I was really, really good-looking?

Michael, it's over.
But know this...

when I said you
were good-looking,

I really meant it.

You know what? You got a
lot of growing up to do!

Hey.

Don't you "Hey" me.

My daughter stayed home
from college for you.

She could have had
a bright future.

Sure, she wouldn't be president of a
company or anything 'cause she's a gal,

but she would have been
one hell of a secretary!

Okay, look, Donna,
I know you're upset...

Eric, if you wanna break up
with me, just go ahead and do it.

What? No!

Donna, I'm not
breaking up with you.

Really?

Well, did you consider me at all before
you decided to run away to Africa?

Okay, look, Donna,

the reason I'm
doing this is for us.

Okay? So I can go to college
and get a job, you know,

so I can deserve you.

Don't give me that crap.
You're doing it for you.

Donna, when my dad got sick,
and I had to stay at home,

I thought I'd missed
my only chance.

But this is it.

This is my second chance.

And you're always saying how I gotta get
out of this town, how I gotta start my life.

Donna, I thought if anyone was gonna
support me in this, it was gonna be you.

So good. Go start it.

Look, I really just don't
wanna fight about this.

What do you wanna do?

Movie?

And then what?

Um, I vote the thing we
usually do after a movie.

What's the point of that?

Well, I don't
know. I think that's

really its own reward.

I think you need to leave.

- Donna, I'm not...
- She said get out.

I know, 'cause I was
listening the whole time.

Okay, fine.

You still got me, cupcake.

Thanks, dad.

If it makes you feel any
better, he's gonna be sorry.

I read someplace that in Africa, they
got a bug that burrows in your brain

and shoots out your
eyes like worm bullets.

Okay, Angie,

Kelso feels that you two should
have one last night together,

and he wants it to be special. So
it will take place in this dark room.

And for a minute you may think,
"Hey, this is not Kelso!"

But that's just
the liquor talking.

I forgot to mention you will
need to drink a lot of liquor.

You going to get
the liquor now?

Okay, I'll wait.