That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 14 - Babe I'm Gonna Leave You - full transcript

Okay, let me get this straight.

After my grandpa's funeral,
Kelso and Annette are making out.

Jackie sees them and yells,
"Get off my boyfriend"?

Right in front of you?

Yeah, it brought
the whole funeral way down.

Hyde, that's horrible, man.

You know what's even worse?

I totally missed it.

Yeah? Well, nobody else missed it.
Half the frickin' town was there.

Today at The Hub, you know
that kid Jimmy with the headgear?

He said he felt bad for me.
Jimmy Headgear felt bad for me!



I knew it was a mistake hooking up
with Jackie, and I did it anyway.

You know why?
'Cause she makes you stupid.

I bet Kelso was composing
symphonies before her.

Hyde.

Man, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

'Cause whatJackie
did to you was embarrassing.

You must be so embarrassed.
I told a lot of people what happened...

and they all agreed that it was...

just really embarrassing.

Kelso, now is not the time.

I just wanna buck our boy up, 'cause what
happened to him was so embarrassing!

That's it.
I'm gonna kick your ass.

Whoa, whoa!
Why don't we go upstairs.

We got that new JCPenney catalog.



There's a full-color section
on bras.

Word has it the airbrush guy
totally missed a nipple.

I don't know why he's so mad.

I was just being sensitive!

Well, be sensitive to me
because I'm upset too.

If you expect me
to go to the Valentine's dance tonight...

- you're gonna have to do a few things for me.
- For you or to you?

Shut up! One:
You will not speak toJackie.

Two: You will not speak to girls who have
brown hair likeJackie.

Three: You will not speak toJackie.

Wait.

I got messed up.

Yeah, baby, whatever
you want.Just-

Man, it's great being
under someone's thumb again!

What did your mother do to you?

Man, I just feel bad for Hyde.

I mean, Annette wants me.

Jackie wants me.

My good looks
are ruining people's lives.

Well, Hyde seems pretty mad.

Whatever, man.
I'm not afraid of him.

- (Eric) He got away!
- Help me!

So have you talked to Hyde about the whole
"get off my boyfriend" disaster?

No. And why is everyone
making such a big deal about it?

Every time I walk into a room,
people look at me funny.

Donna, how do you deal with it?

Jackie, the reason people are making
a big deal about it...

is because it sounds like you still have
feelings for Kelso.

Well, I don't.
I think the only reason I said it...

was because I was having an allergic reaction
to the Forman's cheap generic soda.

(High-pitched)
Oh, no! A giant redhead!

Please don't crush me!
Ple-e-ease!

Fez, would you stop screwing around. Now,
did you finish the balloon walkway of love yet?

You bet I did. When Nina sees it,
she's gonna be so impressed...

her balloons will become my walkway of love,
if you know what I mean.

Fez, that's disgusting.

(High-pitched)
Oh, no, the giant's angry!

Run for your life!
Run! Run!

(Rock Group Singing)

(Ends)

Hello, Wisconsin!

- Mrs. Forman, this chili is great.
- Thanks.

Daddy used to love my chili.
Remember, Mom?

I remember it gave him the toots.

Well, that's a nice place
to start reminiscing.

So, Eric, are you excited
about your big Valentine's dance?

Yeah. I'm just glad it's in the gym.

There's nothing like celebrating
the most romantic night of your life...

in the room where I got
my first wedgie.

It meant I liked you, Eric.

If you don't mind, I'd like
to talk about my father.

Well, Kitty, we can dwell
on what was...

or we can talk about what is.

If I've learned anything
from losing my Burtie Bear...

it's that all that really matters...

is making sure that the people
we love know we love them.

Mom, that was wonderful.

I mean it.

Eric, I love you.

Oh. Well, thanks, Grandma.

Kitty.

I think I'll go for a walk.

(Chuckles)
Well, this was fun.

I'm gonna go to bed for a few days.

Oh, no.

She hasn't done this
since Elvis died on the crapper.

Now I've gotta sit by her bed for four days
and tell her that she's beautiful.

It's hard to say that to
a cold-cream-smeared loony in bunny slippers.

I remember that week.
The shades were drawn.

The food supply ran low.

We were sucking on bouillon
cubes to stay alive.

Yeah, but did you hear
what your grandma said...

about love being
the only thing that matters?

- Eric, we should tell her that we're engaged.
- What?

She could be the one person
who'd be happy for us.

We're gonna need someone
on our side when we tell our families.

Yeah. And you know what?
Even if she's not on our side...

the minute Grandma
thinks it's a bad idea...

my mom will be booking the big room
at the Holiday Inn just out of spite.

So, it's a win-win.

Yeah. We're gonna do what Luke Skywalker
was too afraid to do-

use the Dark Side to our advantage.

Eric, if we're gonna be married, you really
gotta ease up on the Star Wars stuff.

All right? It doesn't
apply to everything.

I'm gonna have to rewrite my vows.

- My favorite song?
- Uh, "The Most Beautiful Girl in the World."

The light I look best in?

Uh, it's a tie between
20-watt, soft-pink bulbs...

and mid-summer sunset.

Very good, Michael.

God, I missed this.

Oh, hey. Have you guys seen Steven?

I hear a weird, piercing noise,
but I don't know where it's coming from.

- Do you hear anything, Michael?
- Yeah, it's justJackie.

Uh, Jackie, I'm sorry you have
to see me in this T-shirt.

I know how it emphasizes
my hunkalicious bod.

Shut up, Michael.
I made a stupid slip. It meant nothing.

Right, because Michael
is my boyfriend.

I know he is, skank wad.

- Oh, I'm a skank wad?
- Girl fight! Let's get it on!

We are not gonna fight.

Well, maybe you should kiss
and make up.

Let's get it on!

What? What? Wait.

Ah, I'll go with the blonde.

(Groans) Kitty, I'm just going to
the corner to get you some soup.

I'm not leaving you for somebody younger
and less dramatic.

This is your fault.
If I wanna get my wife out of bed...

I gotta tie a rope around her
and attach it to my bumper...

and pull her out like a stump.

So what were you saying, dear?

Um, well, I was saying
that... I'm getting married.

Oh, honey, how wonderful!

So, who's the lucky girl?

- Well, um, Donna.
- Oh.

Well, I guess this is a small town.

Okay, what the hell did that mean?

That, my friend, is
the seldom heard...

but much feared Grandma burn.

Your only warning
is the jingle of costume jewelry...

and the overpowering scent
of BenGay.

Well, you and Jackie
are certainly a mess.

I remember before Nina
when my love life was a mess.

It's perfect now though.
Not like yours, which is a mess.

Steven, I've called
three times in the last half hour.

Figured it was you. All the calls came during
commercials in the Newlywed Game.

So, what?
Now you're not taking my calls?

Why are you making such
a big deal about this?

Because it is a big deal when you yell,
"Get off my boyfriend"...

- to a girl who's on someone who's not me.
- (Groans)

Steven, I cannot be held responsible
for the things that come out of my mouth.

It didn't mean anything.

So that's your story?
"It didn't mean anything"?

Right. Right.
So, you just need to get over it.

Oh, yeah. Don't worry.
I'm over it.

In fact, I'm over you.

Steven, what are you saying?

He's saying he's breaking up with you.
Are you not paying attention?

Because I'm on the edge
of my freakin' seat here.

Steven.

(Door Opens, Closes)

So, I have a girlfriend
and you don't.

So, my grandma doesn't think
Donna's good enough for me.

How great is that?

Finally, someone thinks
Donna's the lucky one.

No more, "Hey, how'd he get her?"

Or, "Oh, that skinny guy
must really be rich."

Yeah, that's right.
I heard the whispers.

I just pretended not to.

Who was whispering?
We said it right to you.

Well, I'm done with Jackie,
and I feel like a guy...

who had a 95-pound
mole removed-

a 95-pound, Donny Osmond loving...

shoe-shopping,
Ice Capade attending mole.

Hyde, I know that's just coming
from a place of deep, deep pain.

And I really do feel bad
that my "foxitude"...

broke you and Jackie up.

And I'd tone it down,
but I just don't know how!

Guys, I'm worried there's some unfinished
business between Michael and Jackie.

When they were together,
did she make him happy?

Well, she totally dominated him...

and made him feel bad about himself.

I guess what I'm asking is,
was she ever fat or anything?

Eric, how can
your grandmother not like me?

Ooh! Maybe I should wear my
Catholic school uniform around her more.

People like me in that.

Well, guys mostly.

But, hey, give it a shot.
Grandmas have secrets too.

Donna, Steven broke up with me.

Oh.Jackie, I'm sorry.

Hey, maybe he just wanted you to be able to
spend more time with your other boyfriend.

(Together)
Shut up, Eric!

Oh. It's you.

Didn't know they let
slutballs in here.

Well, I've seen you in here,
so I figured it was okay.

Oh, you don't know it,
but you just burnt yourself.

Oh, I know it.
The question is, do you?

I just said I do.

So do I, so you are too.

Donna, you following this?

Um, I think one of'em's
a slutball and one of'em knows it.

I think what we need to do
is go talk about Michael.

Fine. I'll try to use small words
so you can understand me.

That's not gonna be good enough.

- Hey, Grandma.
- Good afternoon, Mrs. Sigurdson.

Nice day, huh?

No. It's raining,
and my arthritis is kicking up.

What a coincidence.
Mine too.

Boy, am I getting old.

Not too old, you know.

Whatever you are.

Wow. Hey, Grandma,
Donna brought you some salsa.

Yep, Donna makes the best darn
salsa outside of your beloved Arizona.

It's a reflection of her long-time
love affair with the Southwest.

Much like your own.

Go, Grand Canyon!

So, Eric, who are you
seeing these days?

Okay.

Okay, Grandma, you have got
to give Donna a chance.

And I know you two will get along famously.
You have so much in common.

Right. Like I love eating
dinner at 4:30 too.

Look, Miss Sigurdson,
I love Eric with all my heart.

And I know that when you give me a chance,
you'll see that we're great together.

Well, that's very sweet.
And you're right.

I'm sure you're the nicest girl
Eric's met so far.

She is just so good at that.

See?

Isn't it better to be up and about
than stuck in your bed for a week?

Well, this is better.

Why did I let that woman get to me?
I'm gonna get out of this robe.

And take a shower.
I mean, that's the spirit!

Your mother is a nutbag!

What did she do?

That thing where she pretends to be nice,
but she's really insulting you.

- Yes!
- Frigid witch!

I'll get the bed ready.

How could she not like me?

How can she not like me?

You know what? Maybe she just can't
handle strong, healthy women.

And I am strong and healthy.

I bring home the bacon, I fry it up in a pan, and...

...and I never ever let Red forget he's a man!
- Yeah.

- Well, I am not giving up on her.
- Oh, why are you worried?

I'm the one who has to live the rest of my
life in the same family with this woman.

Yeah, but so do I.

In the sense that, um...

we're all part of the human family.

Steven, I have to
tell you something.

Well, if it's "get off my boyfriend,"
don't worry. I already heard it.

No. I have to tell you,
you were right.

When I said that,
it did mean something.

And I thought it didn't,
because sometimes I just want things...

because other people have them.

Like once, I made my dad buy me a pet rat
because my cousin had one.

But then the rat got so disgusting,
I made my kitty cat hunt it.

I don't know what the hell
you're talking about.

- Who's the rat? Am I the rat?
- No.

No. Steven-

Look. Okay, I spoke to Annette.

And she made me
realize that, okay...

maybe I do have some
leftover feelings for Michael.

And then she said that if I wanted him,
I'd have to fight for him.

But, Steven, I know in my heart
the only person I wanna fight for is you.

Really? Oh, boy!

You like Kelso, but you like me
a little bit more?

What a bunch of crap!
You know what I think, Jackie?

I think the only reason you're with me
in the first place was to get back at Kelso.

Steven, how can you say that?

Okay, fine. Maybe I do
have feelings for Michael.

But what am I supposed to do?
He was my first boyfriend.

And you know what?
You're gonna have to learn to deal with it.

And if you can't and you're gonna have
to break up with me because of that...

then I can't stop you, but I think it's
a real waste, because I love you.

I'm not saying it back!

I don't care.

Damn it!

(Sighs)

So, are we gonna go
to the dance or what?

Oh, Steven.

Well, it looks like I'm
just in time for makeup sex.

Don't mind me.
You'll barely hear me.

If you prefer,
I can hide in the shower.

- Fez, get out of here.
- Okay, here I go.

(P.A.: Disco)

Earlier today I mentioned that...

I would like your balloons
to be my walkway of love.

And you said, "Okay."

Do you know what I meant? Because I don't
want to surprise you with this one.

Well, I think you meant-

That's it!

- Hey, look who's back together.
- What the hell!

Come on, Jackie.
Let's dance.

How can she be with him
when she's so clearly not over me?

I think the question is,
how can you be with me...

when you're so clearly not over her?

What, is this a riddle?
Start over.

You're obviously
still in love with Jackie.

I'm goin' back to California.

Baby, no! I'll prove
that I'm over her.

I'll bet you 50 bucks
that if we do it, I'll be into it.

Good-bye, Michael.

But you win either way!

Oh, I feel so much better.
(Chuckles)

I am a strong, healthy woman
who doesn't need to go to bed...

every time some mean, old lady
gives her a cross look.

- That's right.
- Good evening, Mother.

- Going out to dinner.
- Oh.

Is that what you're wearing?

I'll be in bed.