That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 9 - The Forgotten Son - full transcript

Well, here are my boys!
How was work?

Oh, you know, just another day of restocking
upper Point Place with durable household goods.

Sleep soundly,
Wisconsin.

I got some big news
from the Price Mart home office.

Ooh! They finally gonna let you
physically discipline the workers?

- No, but I still have a free hand at home.
- Right.

Headquarters is having
every manager...

make a departmental
training film.

And they picked me
for the stockroom.

- Stockroom. Wow!
- Yeah!

Steve from Oshkosh
got ice and snow management.



Loser.

Well, Red,
that is wonderful.

Yeah, I know.

Every single Price Mart stock boy
will be trained in the Red Forman way.

Oh, you mean, undermining
their self-esteem...

until they're too weak
to fight back?

If you would just
zip it for a second...

you might be interested in hearing
who I want to play the stock boy.

Oh, look, Dad,
I appreciate the thought...

I'm gonna use this idiot!

All right!

Man, I guess my movie career
is getting started sooner than I thought!

Kelso's playing the stock boy?

This is my
favorite thing ever.



Well, Michael does have
marvelous bone structure.

Oh, but you will too, honey,
once you fill out.

Oh, man! Mom burn!

Yep. That's twice
the normal burn.

Dad, how can you choose Kelso
to play the Price Mart stock boy?

You have a better suggestion?

Hello!

I am
a Price Mart stock boy.

I just came
from stocking.

At Price Mart.

And I am currently wearing
a Price Mart stock boy smock.

Good point, Eric.

Give your smock to Kelso.

Oh, I don't think my broad, photogenic
shoulders are gonna fit in that little thing.

Now, don't take this
personal, Son.

You're just too...
twitchy and skinny.

Well, you know,
the camera adds 10 pounds.

Yeah, 10.
Not 40.

How could he pick Kelso
to play the stock boy?

I'm the one with the
acting experience. Remember?

I was Mushroom Number Two
in Alice in Wonderland.

But you were
Mushroom Number One in my heart.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey. What's up?

- We're going to lunch.
- We're going to lunch?

Well, actually, honey,
we're going to lunch.

You and I
are going to lunch?

Well, no.

You and Donna and I
are going to lunch?

Well, almost, honey.

You and Donna are going to lunch?

Nothing gets past you,
Einstein.

I don't think I like the idea of you two
going out to lunch together.

Well, what if we bring
you back a sandwich?

Well, a sandwich isn't gonna
make me feel better, Mom.

Okay, then.
We're leaving.

Well, in that case,
I would like a sandwich.

Yeah,
I don't like this day.

Hey, dudes.

Hey, Leo, man,
Huggy Bear called.

He wants his suit back.

Huggy Bear?

This is my suit, man.

So, to what do we owe
the fancy pants?

Great news, man!

I inherited a million bucks
from my dead uncle!

- Shut up.
- No way.

It's true! So, come on!
Let's share the wealth!

Come on. I'll buy you
anything you want.

Does that include burgers
and nudie mags?

Include?
That's half the budget, man.

Eric, have you seen Donna?

She was supposed to help me sort out my
daytime cosmetics from my nighttime cosmetics...

but she never showed up.

Oh, you haven't heard?

Donna's got a new friend...

and I, for one,
think it's time you met her.

Donna!
What are you doing?

We invented
a new cookie.

It's a variation
of the snickerdoodle.

We're calling it
the "DonnaKitty."

Or the "Ditty."

We haven't decided.

Donna, you're supposed to be sorting...
as in, my cosmetics.

Oh, yeah.
I'm real sorry I missed that.

It started as an annoying,
but innocent lunch.

And now they're
inventing cookies.

It's growing, man.

It's the freakin' Blob.

Donna, why do you
need a new friend?

Haven't I always
been there for you?

Uh, no.

I hope
your cookies burn!

Eric, old people
and young people...

are not supposed to
spend time together.

It's unnatural.

What am I
supposed to do about it?

Well, you better
do something.

You know what girls talk about
when they get together.

Um, sugar and spice
and everything nice?

That's what we're made of,
you dumb-ass.

They talk about men,
and that would be you.

Well, barely.

You know, you could really use a refill
on the "everything nice."

You know, I wasn't that worried
about Donna and my mom talking about me...

but now
that I'm all paranoid...

I'm all, like...

paranoid.

I mean, when did it become okay
for them to be friends?

Right after your father replaced you
with a semi-literate pretty boy.

That's me.

So, I've been thinking about great actors
to model myself after...

and I choose Travolta.

Kelso...

I can think of no better way
to impress Red...

than by acting like Travolta
in his industrial film.

Bravo, man.

That is good advice.

Man, I don't want Donna
and my mom talking about me.

Yeah,
and Donna's a big mouth.

Like, she told me how you wore makeup
to last year's class picture.

What?

I did not!
I did not.

I had a zit.
Stop looking at me.

Forman, you and I are both
victims of parental abandonment.

Luckily, I have
a rich hippie benefactor.

He bought me nudie mags
I'd never even heard of.

Yeah, I'll stock this shelf!

But someday I'm gonna dance
across this whole city.

That's dead-on.

Okay, we need to talk.

It's about, shall we say,
your new crowd.

And don't even pretend you and Donna
aren't talking about me.

I know what's going on here,
and it goes a little something like this...

Oh, honey, you look wonderful.

Say, can we look at Eric's
naked baby pictures again?

They're right here!

My, you could tell even then
he'd always be small.

Yeah, he really is tiny.

It's not satisfying.

Well, how could it be, dear?

But at least he's nice.

Yeah, he's nice.

For a nancy boy!

So, what do you say
to that?

All right, Kelso. You'll just go through
a few typical stock boy tasks...

while I firmly, but kindly,
oversee you.

- Got it.
- All right. Let's get started.

Kelso...

what the hell
are you doing?

Oh, see, I'm going
for a Travolta thing.

Okay, my character's
actually a dancer...

who's just stocking shelves
until he makes it big.

All right. Let me
paint a picture for you.

Just close your eyes.

Okay, imagine
with your eyes open.

Just come with me.

Just stack the cans,
moron.

But why
am I stacking cans?

See, I'm thinking that
the manager is a bad guy.

So, why would I
stack cans for him?

Because if you don't
stack the cans...

the manager
is going to kill you.

Oh! So I'm afraid
for my life!

That works.
All right. Let's act!

Oh, no.
You're all alone.

Where's your little buddy,
Skipper?

Okay, sweetie.

My friendship with Donna is making you
uncomfortable, so I'm gonna call it off.

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

Well, thank you.

Maybe some of your loyalty
will rub off on Dad.

Oh, don't let that
bother you.

Michael may have
movie-star good looks...

but you are much,
much smarter than he is.

Okay, why couldn't you have
said that in front of everyone...

instead of how great
Kelso's bone structure is?

I don't want to
make anybody feel bad.

Well, good job.

All right, guys.
Let's shop!

Thanks again, Leo.

Yes, thank you.

You know what would
make this outfit perfect?

A cockatoo.

Then we'll get a cockatoo.

Or three!

Hey, Red, listen, I've got this great new
idea I want to lay on you about our movie.

Dad, I've heard this idea...

and speaking as an unbiased observer
with no score to settle...

it is great.

Go!

Kelso, you don't
get to have ideas.

Dad, if I could
just interject.

This idea will literally change
industrial filmdom forever.

Go get 'em, Kelso!
Go!

Okay. The stock boy
has a love interest.

No.

Now, before you say no,
I've already found the perfect person.

Oh, stock boy,
I love you!

No. Get out.

Okay, um,
Eric's uncomfortable...

because he thinks we talk about him...
which we don't.

Although that story about him wearing
makeup to his class pictures was a hoot.

But I guess
what I'm saying is, um...

we probably shouldn't
see each other anymore.

But it's been so nice having someone
to talk to since my mom left.

I know.

Someone who understands
what I'm going through.

Oh, honey.

Someone to make
banana bread with.

I ate that for dinner
three nights in a row.

Oh, you poor, sweet girl.

What the hell?

Boy, being a millionaire
is great.

Well, at least you put the money
to good use.

Fun Tart?

Don't mind if I do.

Candy button?

I've got
a million of them.

So, Leo, man,
tell us about your Uncle Ed.

Why'd he leave you
all his money?

Check it out, man.
It's all in this letter he sent me.

Your Uncle Ed is Ed McMahon?

Yeah.

Who knew
I was Scottish?

Uh-oh.

Damn, Leo, you didn't
inherit a million dollars.

That's a sweepstakes contest.

Well, then
who has my money?

There is no money,
you son of a bitch!

Oh.

Wow. I guess all this stuff
has to go back.

Oh, that means you too,
Feathery Frank.

- Good day.
- But, Fez...

I said, good day.

I'm leaving Brooklyn, Mister Formanelli.

And when I get to Manhattan,
I'm gonna be a star.

So, what do you think?

You're fired.

You.

Price Mart is only
as strong as its weakest stock boy.

Just look at what one
well-trained worker can accomplish.

Neat, efficient, organized.

The Price Mart way.

And each job completed with that
award-winning Price Mart attitude.

Remember, you can't spell
stock boy without "Oh, boy!"

Perfect.

Well, who would have thought
a stock boy would do a good job...

playing a stock boy?

Yeah, I mean,
it's a topsy-turvy world.

Yeah.
You did a good job.

Wait a minute.
Are you proud of me?

No, no, no, no, no.
I didn't say that.

So...

do we hug now?

Men don't hug.

My daddy loves me!

- Shut it!
- I love you too, Daddy!

Oh, well,
look who's here.

Do a little shopping, ladies?

Well, it's not like
I can take my dad shopping.

I mean, every time the sales lady
brings over some underwear...

he gets embarrassed
and goes, "Whoo-hoo!"

So, I suppose you have
something snarky to say about that.

You know what?

I don't.

- Really?
- No.

Look, your mom...

can't take you shopping, so...

it's cool with me
if you guys want to hang out.

Honey, I am so glad
you understand.

- Yeah, Eric, thanks.
- Yeah.

Yeah, just, look, please...

no talking about me, okay?

And no looking at
my naked baby pictures either.

They're... misleading.

Honey, I've already
seen you naked.

Mom.

Oh, and she's
already seen you naked!

You know what? From now on,
that's all we should talk about.

Okay. Leaving now.

Okay, here he is
on the potty.

Look how hard
he's concentrating.

Oh, I have
some earlier ones.

Look at that baby.

Didn't he have
the cutest little behind?

Yeah!

So when did he lose it?

Right around
when he turned 10.

It was the strangest thing.
Poof.

Like someone ironed him.