That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 3, Episode 8 - Jackie Bags Hyde - full transcript
On Veteran's Day, proud Vietnam vet Red looks down even more on his guardsman neighbor Bob also holding his own reunion, but Kitty insists to be neighborly. So Red and his for once enthusiastic dogsbody Eric try to out-stage Bob, just when he is desperate to be the star host a last time before his shop Bobs Bargains has to close down because of Pricemart competition and everybody will know he's a professional failure. Donna only tells the Formans after they have won the battle for the guests, which they now try to send over... However clearly Hyde states to have absolutely no romantic interest in a bitchy snob like Jackie, she assumes he can only be playing hard to get and decides to make him jealous -actually it works on her ex Kelso and desperate virgin Fez- by dating hot Chip, who cares no more for her then she who promises to pass him on to man-eater Laurie once she's finished with him. Yet Kitty makes Hyde doubt if his declared hating everything and everyone really applies to Jackie, so seeing Chip's shallow attitude Hyde takes her to the point, where they even kiss, without any sparks...
Happy Veteran's Day.
Now where have you hidden
the chocolate eggs?
Uh, they're everywhere, Fez.
Start looking.
So, Steven.
Isn't Veteran's Day romantic?
Oh, yeah. Government pawns
and missing limbs.
That's amore.
I know, I know. It's a day for
people in love to have fun together.
You know what? All this talk about
having fun makes me want to have fun.
Hey, let's throw stuff
at other stuff.
Man, that's perfect.
I've got stuff.
- I'm in.
- Let's do it.
So, Steven.
Would you like to go to
Mr. Forman's barbecue with me?
No.
- As a matter of fact, I don't want to go anywhere with you.
- You know, that's okay.
You know what?
We can stay in.
No, Jackie. Look, I told you,
again and again...
I have no interest in you,
and you don't have a chance.
And yet, you keep thinking that I have
interest in you, and you have a chance.
Wait, did you just say that you're
interested in me and that I have a chance?
Okay. You know what?
You've forced me to do this.
I'm gonna explain my feelings to you through
a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry...
haiku.
My heart aches with pain.
When I see you, I vomit.
Die away from me.
Ouch.
Sayonara.
Donna, never have 17 syllables
hurt me so much.
Why would he want to
hurt me like that?
Because you're
stalking him, Jackie.
- No, really, Donna.
- Jackie, really.
You are to Hyde
what Fez is to you.
That's ridiculous.
Fez and I will never happen.
Oh, God.
Steven and I
will never happen.
Jackie, it's all right.
You just gotta get over this
and be strong.
You're right, Donna.
You're right.
Oh, how I wish my daddy
could buy him for me.
Yeah, I know. I know.
This smell like
chocolate to you?
Look.
I'm Paul Stanley from KISS.
Kelso, don't play
with the cheese.
These damn kids.
They don't respect anything American.
Oh, Red, this isn't about the kids
misusing dairy products.
You're still upset that Bob
marched in the Veteran's Day parade.
Well, he was only
in the National Guard.
It's called Veteran's Day...
not... Pansy-ass,
National Guard...
Wussy, Pansy-ass Day.
Oh, come on, Red.
Are any dirty Commies
less dead because of him?
No, I guess not.
You're right, Kitty.
You know, I'm gonna put away this
uniform, and then we'll fire up that grill.
Hey, Red.
Some parade, huh?
Yeah, sure was,
till the National Guard got there.
Look, I just came over
to invite you to my barbecue.
Your barbecue?
Bob, I have an annual barbecue
every Veteran's Day.
It's my day...
because I'm a veteran.
Well, I'm a veteran too. And I'm having
a barbecue, and you can't stop me.
Hey, Mr. Pinciotti, I didn't know
you were in the Boy Scouts.
Ah.
Hey, everybody.
This is Chip.
He's been after me for a while now,
so I just said, "What the hell?"
- Chip, it's everybody.
- Hey, everybody.
Jackie, I'll, uh, get you
something to drink.
Whatever.
So you're with
this Chip guy now?
- Yep.
- Huh.
Why? Do you care?
No, I mean, if you want
to date this guy, that's cool.
It is?
And then Steven said,
"That's cool."
But not like "cool."
More like he's jealous.
Jackie, or he just
thinks it's cool.
Donna, it is so romantic.
Just like West Side Story.
Yeah, but without the dancing
and the Puerto Ricans.
Wait. Is Fez Puerto Rican?
You know what?
I don't know.
Huh.
This will show Red. We're gonna
have the best barbecue ever.
If there's one thing you learn
in the National Guard, it's how to cook.
Oh, I'm gonna defrost some chicken.
Mom, the Formans have
a barbecue every Veteran's Day.
- I mean, why are we having one?
- Honey, this isn't about a barbecue.
This is about
your father going bankrupt.
- Now help me with these chairs.
- What? What are you talking about?
We need the chairs
for people to sit on.
No, Mom.
About Dad being bankrupt.
Your dad's appliance store's
going out of business...
'cause he can't compete
with Price Mart.
So he decided to throw
a big barbecue.
Okay, I'm still
not getting this.
Oh, your dad wants to be
big shot one last time...
before everybody discovers
what a failure he is.
- Oh, my God.
- And please don't tell anybody.
He's very sensitive
about being a failure.
Here you go.
Enjoy your burger.
And thank you for choosing the Formans
for your Veteran's Day celebration needs.
Kitty, why is everybody
over at Bob's?
They've got chicken.
Chicken?
Well, isn't that a surprise?
A National Guardsman serving up chicken.
He's not gonna get away with this. Eric, chop
up some onions and mix it in with the meat.
Why can't we just put the onions
on top of the burger?
Eric, do you want to win
this thing or don't you?
Okay, not-crazy Dad.
- Eric, can I talk to you?
- Uh, not really, Donna. I got to bust hump.
- My dad wants to crush your dad's barbecue.
- What? Why?
Well, apparently, my dad believes that
if your dad's barbecue is better than his...
America will fall
to the Russkies.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe my
dad's barbecue is really important to him?
Uh, no.
Because it's just
a stupid barbecue.
It's not stupid.
I'm so sick of your dad.
He's such a jerk.
Whoa. My dad's a jerk?
Well, Donna, your dad's a jerk,
and he's just copying my dad.
And your dad didn't even
fight in the war.
You're just
a National Guard kid.
Yeah, I said it.
What? What?
Oh, yeah? Well,
you and Red are going down.
And you know what else?
I was wrong, Eric.
Red's not a jerk.
He's an ass, and you're an ass.
'Cause the ass doesn't fall far from
the ass tree. "What did I say, what?"
Man, I can't believe Jackie
chose that guy over me.
- Or me for that matter.
- Yeah, that's true.
'Cause you're
a good-looking guy.
Back at you, Kelso.
Your eyelashes,
they go for, like, miles.
I've heard that.
Yeah. I'm what's known
as "man-pretty."
Bad news, Dad.
The Pinciottis have... these.
Red, white and blue napkins?
That clever S.O.B.
And I cheaped out
and went for the plain white.
So what, now we surrender?
Surrender?
You know, if this were an actual war,
you'd be the first in a body bag.
Yes, sir. I'm gonna go
refill the ketchups.
Schlitz.
Hey, Jackie. Who's that hot guy
you brought with you?
Back off!
I need him for right now...
but you can have him
when I'm done, as usual.
Wait a second, Jackie.
Are you working an angle here? Nice.
No, there's no angle.
I just want to see
if I can make Steven jealous.
So you're gonna sleep with him
a couple of times and see what happens.
- Yeah, I've been down that road.
- No!
Oh, you're such a child. Send him
to my room when you're done.
- So, you and Jackie, huh?
- Yeah, isn't she something?
- Sure.
- Sometimes, though, I kind of hate it when she talks.
I hear you.
And she's always talking.
But, I figure it's worth it
if I can nail her.
Huh.
Yeah, you should probably
think about that, man.
You know, I mean,
Jackie's kind of young.
- She only had, like, one boyfriend, so...
- Hey, that's not a big surprise.
You know, she's a bitch.
Oh, no.
- Steven, what happened?
- What?
Nothing. Just somebody... And then
the guy said "bitch," and there's nothing.
Oh, my God.
He called me a bitch?
And you hit him.
And that's what happened, isn't it?
No.
Liar. I am the bitch,
and you love me.
Stop staring at me.
Quit it.
I'm not this guy.
Oh, God.
Oh, Steven, I saw what happened.
Is your girlfriend okay?
My girlfriend?
Yeah, the-the bossy, little, mean one
you're always hanging around with.
- Oh, uh, Jackie.
- She's not my girlfriend.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
I don't like her. She's... shallow
and rich and mean and bossy.
- She's everything that I hate.
- But, Steven, you hate everything.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Well, it means that maybe you like her...
'cause I kind of think you do.
No. How could I like her?
Because I don't like her.
Because I can't like her.
Mrs. Forman,
if I like her, shoot me.
Pow!
Jackie, get your car.
We're going on a freakin' date.
Oh, my God.
It's a Veteran's Day miracle.
Red, white and blue
cheeseburgers.
Eric, you're a genius.
Voil?.
Sparkler dogs.
God bless America.
- Freshly squeezed.
- That's fresh.
Ah, beer in the bottle.
That's class.
- The keg is tapped.
- Bend over and kiss it good-bye, Bob.
Here comes the big one.
A keg?
Oh, great.
Red's gone nuclear.
This barbecue is over.
Dad, that's it?
You're just gonna give up?
We had sparkler dogs.
We could win this thing.
No. Donna, thanks.
But it's over.
I just wanted one big blowout.
One last hurrah, you know?
Oh, why didn't I
rent the one-man band?
This is the best date ever.
Jackie, we haven't
talked in 30 minutes.
That's okay. Steven,
you don't have to say anything.
I understand you.
- Oh, you do, do you?
- Sure.
Okay, so you're probably
sitting there thinking...
"I'm on this date
with this girl...
"who really,
really likes me.
And she's so beautiful."
- Jackie.
- Hush.
And you're wondering...
"How can I open up to her...
"when everyone I have
ever loved have abandoned me?
Am I even worthy of love?"
Well, you are, Steven.
You are.
It's okay, Steven. It's okay.
Know what? Let it out.
- Let it all out.
- Okay.
It's okay.
- Let's go home.
- Oh, come on. I'm kidding.
No, this is all right. We can
hang out here for a while, okay?
God.
Here, have some of my pop.
Sure.
Okay.
- Well, we've gone through three batches of ambrosia salad.
- Three batches!
Not since D-day has there been
such a complete and glorious victory.
Oh, hi, Donna.
Well, I hope you're all happy.
'Cause you ruined
my dad's barbecue.
All he wanted was one more
good day before everybody found out...
that his store was closing,
and he's going bankrupt.
- Wait. What?
- Yeah. Bargain Bob's is closing this week...
so congratulations.
Oh, my God. I feel so bad.
Well, you should.
You ruined his barbecue.
Why would you do that?
What? Me?
You were...
Eric, for God's sakes,
the man is almost a veteran.
Okay, fine. You know what?
Fine. It's all my fault.
But, Dad, you, you gotta make
everyone here go next door.
Eric, you're right.
We have got to go over there.
They are our neighbors.
They are our best friends.
Yeah, I suppose.
All right, freeloaders.
Let's move it on over to Bob's.
- Eric, grab that keg.
- Okay, I'm on it.
Hey, what's everybody doing here?
Congratulations, Bob,
you really out-barbecued me.
I gotta say.
You're one hell of a guy.
Oh, Bob.
We just love you so much.
Midge, you told.
Look, Bob.
I just want you to know that...
you've been a real good neighbor
and a real good friend.
And if you ever need it,
I'm here for you.
Thanks, Red.
Oh, but, uh...
I can't help you
if you cry, Bob.
- Don't cry.
- These are tears of joy, Red.
Yeah, that's bad too, Bob.
Move!
Come on.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey. What's up? Hi.
Look, I'm sorry.
Everyone came by,
and I know you did that...
so... thanks.
No, Donna.
I'm sorry.
Look, you know that I wouldn't
have acted like such a jerk...
if I knew something so terrible
was happening to your dad.
No, I know. I know. It's okay.
- My folks didn't want me to say anything, so.
- Yeah.
No, I mean. Yeah.
Yeah.
Are you okay?
Yeah, and no.
I don't know.
So...
our first date's almost over.
Yeah.
What'd you think?
It was no worse than bowling.
I... I don't hate bowling.
Huh.
Okay.
I didn't feel anything.
- Nothing?
- No, I mean, the kiss was hot, but...
Well, did you feel something?
Uh, no.
Well, no.
So I guess that's it then.
Turns out you were right
about us all along.
Yeah.
So what happens now?
I'm not opposed to doing it.
Take me home, you pig.
Yes, dear.
Fez.
I don't feel so good.
Me neither.
You see a horse?
- Yes, I do.
- Is it pink?
Uh-huh.
This was the best
barbecue ever.
Now where have you hidden
the chocolate eggs?
Uh, they're everywhere, Fez.
Start looking.
So, Steven.
Isn't Veteran's Day romantic?
Oh, yeah. Government pawns
and missing limbs.
That's amore.
I know, I know. It's a day for
people in love to have fun together.
You know what? All this talk about
having fun makes me want to have fun.
Hey, let's throw stuff
at other stuff.
Man, that's perfect.
I've got stuff.
- I'm in.
- Let's do it.
So, Steven.
Would you like to go to
Mr. Forman's barbecue with me?
No.
- As a matter of fact, I don't want to go anywhere with you.
- You know, that's okay.
You know what?
We can stay in.
No, Jackie. Look, I told you,
again and again...
I have no interest in you,
and you don't have a chance.
And yet, you keep thinking that I have
interest in you, and you have a chance.
Wait, did you just say that you're
interested in me and that I have a chance?
Okay. You know what?
You've forced me to do this.
I'm gonna explain my feelings to you through
a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry...
haiku.
My heart aches with pain.
When I see you, I vomit.
Die away from me.
Ouch.
Sayonara.
Donna, never have 17 syllables
hurt me so much.
Why would he want to
hurt me like that?
Because you're
stalking him, Jackie.
- No, really, Donna.
- Jackie, really.
You are to Hyde
what Fez is to you.
That's ridiculous.
Fez and I will never happen.
Oh, God.
Steven and I
will never happen.
Jackie, it's all right.
You just gotta get over this
and be strong.
You're right, Donna.
You're right.
Oh, how I wish my daddy
could buy him for me.
Yeah, I know. I know.
This smell like
chocolate to you?
Look.
I'm Paul Stanley from KISS.
Kelso, don't play
with the cheese.
These damn kids.
They don't respect anything American.
Oh, Red, this isn't about the kids
misusing dairy products.
You're still upset that Bob
marched in the Veteran's Day parade.
Well, he was only
in the National Guard.
It's called Veteran's Day...
not... Pansy-ass,
National Guard...
Wussy, Pansy-ass Day.
Oh, come on, Red.
Are any dirty Commies
less dead because of him?
No, I guess not.
You're right, Kitty.
You know, I'm gonna put away this
uniform, and then we'll fire up that grill.
Hey, Red.
Some parade, huh?
Yeah, sure was,
till the National Guard got there.
Look, I just came over
to invite you to my barbecue.
Your barbecue?
Bob, I have an annual barbecue
every Veteran's Day.
It's my day...
because I'm a veteran.
Well, I'm a veteran too. And I'm having
a barbecue, and you can't stop me.
Hey, Mr. Pinciotti, I didn't know
you were in the Boy Scouts.
Ah.
Hey, everybody.
This is Chip.
He's been after me for a while now,
so I just said, "What the hell?"
- Chip, it's everybody.
- Hey, everybody.
Jackie, I'll, uh, get you
something to drink.
Whatever.
So you're with
this Chip guy now?
- Yep.
- Huh.
Why? Do you care?
No, I mean, if you want
to date this guy, that's cool.
It is?
And then Steven said,
"That's cool."
But not like "cool."
More like he's jealous.
Jackie, or he just
thinks it's cool.
Donna, it is so romantic.
Just like West Side Story.
Yeah, but without the dancing
and the Puerto Ricans.
Wait. Is Fez Puerto Rican?
You know what?
I don't know.
Huh.
This will show Red. We're gonna
have the best barbecue ever.
If there's one thing you learn
in the National Guard, it's how to cook.
Oh, I'm gonna defrost some chicken.
Mom, the Formans have
a barbecue every Veteran's Day.
- I mean, why are we having one?
- Honey, this isn't about a barbecue.
This is about
your father going bankrupt.
- Now help me with these chairs.
- What? What are you talking about?
We need the chairs
for people to sit on.
No, Mom.
About Dad being bankrupt.
Your dad's appliance store's
going out of business...
'cause he can't compete
with Price Mart.
So he decided to throw
a big barbecue.
Okay, I'm still
not getting this.
Oh, your dad wants to be
big shot one last time...
before everybody discovers
what a failure he is.
- Oh, my God.
- And please don't tell anybody.
He's very sensitive
about being a failure.
Here you go.
Enjoy your burger.
And thank you for choosing the Formans
for your Veteran's Day celebration needs.
Kitty, why is everybody
over at Bob's?
They've got chicken.
Chicken?
Well, isn't that a surprise?
A National Guardsman serving up chicken.
He's not gonna get away with this. Eric, chop
up some onions and mix it in with the meat.
Why can't we just put the onions
on top of the burger?
Eric, do you want to win
this thing or don't you?
Okay, not-crazy Dad.
- Eric, can I talk to you?
- Uh, not really, Donna. I got to bust hump.
- My dad wants to crush your dad's barbecue.
- What? Why?
Well, apparently, my dad believes that
if your dad's barbecue is better than his...
America will fall
to the Russkies.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe my
dad's barbecue is really important to him?
Uh, no.
Because it's just
a stupid barbecue.
It's not stupid.
I'm so sick of your dad.
He's such a jerk.
Whoa. My dad's a jerk?
Well, Donna, your dad's a jerk,
and he's just copying my dad.
And your dad didn't even
fight in the war.
You're just
a National Guard kid.
Yeah, I said it.
What? What?
Oh, yeah? Well,
you and Red are going down.
And you know what else?
I was wrong, Eric.
Red's not a jerk.
He's an ass, and you're an ass.
'Cause the ass doesn't fall far from
the ass tree. "What did I say, what?"
Man, I can't believe Jackie
chose that guy over me.
- Or me for that matter.
- Yeah, that's true.
'Cause you're
a good-looking guy.
Back at you, Kelso.
Your eyelashes,
they go for, like, miles.
I've heard that.
Yeah. I'm what's known
as "man-pretty."
Bad news, Dad.
The Pinciottis have... these.
Red, white and blue napkins?
That clever S.O.B.
And I cheaped out
and went for the plain white.
So what, now we surrender?
Surrender?
You know, if this were an actual war,
you'd be the first in a body bag.
Yes, sir. I'm gonna go
refill the ketchups.
Schlitz.
Hey, Jackie. Who's that hot guy
you brought with you?
Back off!
I need him for right now...
but you can have him
when I'm done, as usual.
Wait a second, Jackie.
Are you working an angle here? Nice.
No, there's no angle.
I just want to see
if I can make Steven jealous.
So you're gonna sleep with him
a couple of times and see what happens.
- Yeah, I've been down that road.
- No!
Oh, you're such a child. Send him
to my room when you're done.
- So, you and Jackie, huh?
- Yeah, isn't she something?
- Sure.
- Sometimes, though, I kind of hate it when she talks.
I hear you.
And she's always talking.
But, I figure it's worth it
if I can nail her.
Huh.
Yeah, you should probably
think about that, man.
You know, I mean,
Jackie's kind of young.
- She only had, like, one boyfriend, so...
- Hey, that's not a big surprise.
You know, she's a bitch.
Oh, no.
- Steven, what happened?
- What?
Nothing. Just somebody... And then
the guy said "bitch," and there's nothing.
Oh, my God.
He called me a bitch?
And you hit him.
And that's what happened, isn't it?
No.
Liar. I am the bitch,
and you love me.
Stop staring at me.
Quit it.
I'm not this guy.
Oh, God.
Oh, Steven, I saw what happened.
Is your girlfriend okay?
My girlfriend?
Yeah, the-the bossy, little, mean one
you're always hanging around with.
- Oh, uh, Jackie.
- She's not my girlfriend.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
I don't like her. She's... shallow
and rich and mean and bossy.
- She's everything that I hate.
- But, Steven, you hate everything.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Well, it means that maybe you like her...
'cause I kind of think you do.
No. How could I like her?
Because I don't like her.
Because I can't like her.
Mrs. Forman,
if I like her, shoot me.
Pow!
Jackie, get your car.
We're going on a freakin' date.
Oh, my God.
It's a Veteran's Day miracle.
Red, white and blue
cheeseburgers.
Eric, you're a genius.
Voil?.
Sparkler dogs.
God bless America.
- Freshly squeezed.
- That's fresh.
Ah, beer in the bottle.
That's class.
- The keg is tapped.
- Bend over and kiss it good-bye, Bob.
Here comes the big one.
A keg?
Oh, great.
Red's gone nuclear.
This barbecue is over.
Dad, that's it?
You're just gonna give up?
We had sparkler dogs.
We could win this thing.
No. Donna, thanks.
But it's over.
I just wanted one big blowout.
One last hurrah, you know?
Oh, why didn't I
rent the one-man band?
This is the best date ever.
Jackie, we haven't
talked in 30 minutes.
That's okay. Steven,
you don't have to say anything.
I understand you.
- Oh, you do, do you?
- Sure.
Okay, so you're probably
sitting there thinking...
"I'm on this date
with this girl...
"who really,
really likes me.
And she's so beautiful."
- Jackie.
- Hush.
And you're wondering...
"How can I open up to her...
"when everyone I have
ever loved have abandoned me?
Am I even worthy of love?"
Well, you are, Steven.
You are.
It's okay, Steven. It's okay.
Know what? Let it out.
- Let it all out.
- Okay.
It's okay.
- Let's go home.
- Oh, come on. I'm kidding.
No, this is all right. We can
hang out here for a while, okay?
God.
Here, have some of my pop.
Sure.
Okay.
- Well, we've gone through three batches of ambrosia salad.
- Three batches!
Not since D-day has there been
such a complete and glorious victory.
Oh, hi, Donna.
Well, I hope you're all happy.
'Cause you ruined
my dad's barbecue.
All he wanted was one more
good day before everybody found out...
that his store was closing,
and he's going bankrupt.
- Wait. What?
- Yeah. Bargain Bob's is closing this week...
so congratulations.
Oh, my God. I feel so bad.
Well, you should.
You ruined his barbecue.
Why would you do that?
What? Me?
You were...
Eric, for God's sakes,
the man is almost a veteran.
Okay, fine. You know what?
Fine. It's all my fault.
But, Dad, you, you gotta make
everyone here go next door.
Eric, you're right.
We have got to go over there.
They are our neighbors.
They are our best friends.
Yeah, I suppose.
All right, freeloaders.
Let's move it on over to Bob's.
- Eric, grab that keg.
- Okay, I'm on it.
Hey, what's everybody doing here?
Congratulations, Bob,
you really out-barbecued me.
I gotta say.
You're one hell of a guy.
Oh, Bob.
We just love you so much.
Midge, you told.
Look, Bob.
I just want you to know that...
you've been a real good neighbor
and a real good friend.
And if you ever need it,
I'm here for you.
Thanks, Red.
Oh, but, uh...
I can't help you
if you cry, Bob.
- Don't cry.
- These are tears of joy, Red.
Yeah, that's bad too, Bob.
Move!
Come on.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey. What's up? Hi.
Look, I'm sorry.
Everyone came by,
and I know you did that...
so... thanks.
No, Donna.
I'm sorry.
Look, you know that I wouldn't
have acted like such a jerk...
if I knew something so terrible
was happening to your dad.
No, I know. I know. It's okay.
- My folks didn't want me to say anything, so.
- Yeah.
No, I mean. Yeah.
Yeah.
Are you okay?
Yeah, and no.
I don't know.
So...
our first date's almost over.
Yeah.
What'd you think?
It was no worse than bowling.
I... I don't hate bowling.
Huh.
Okay.
I didn't feel anything.
- Nothing?
- No, I mean, the kiss was hot, but...
Well, did you feel something?
Uh, no.
Well, no.
So I guess that's it then.
Turns out you were right
about us all along.
Yeah.
So what happens now?
I'm not opposed to doing it.
Take me home, you pig.
Yes, dear.
Fez.
I don't feel so good.
Me neither.
You see a horse?
- Yes, I do.
- Is it pink?
Uh-huh.
This was the best
barbecue ever.