That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 3, Episode 7 - Baby Fever - full transcript
Jackie smashed Kelso's van and Laurie babysits for a friend of Kitty.
Hey. Check it out.
I got my first story in the school paper.
Neat. Oh. They spelled
your name wrong.
Apparently you're
"Donna Pincipotti."
That's funny 'cause it's got
the potty sound in it.
Hey, you know what else
is a funny sound?
Where the hell is Jackie
with your van, man?
- I want to get out of here.
- Ah, she had to help her aunt move a couch.
Why did you lend Jackie your van?
She hates you, man.
Well, I'm trying to
get on her good side, Fez.
I mean, this is a small town
with a limited number of women.
And I've already gone all the way through 'em
once, and now I'm back toJackie.
Oh. And I love her.
- Hey.
- Hey. So, how'd it go, baby?
- Oh. Great.
- Cool.
Yeah. Oh, except for
when I crashed your van.
But other than that, cool.
How did this happen?
Jackie, how?
- Michael, like I said-
- How?
- Coming out of the drive-
- [Screams] How?
Kelso. Come on, man.
Relax.
Let those of us who aren't you
enjoy this moment.
Besides, it's not all that bad.
This door still works.
Hey, Jackie.
What happened to the other door?
Other door?
Yeah, you know,
the thing that always got in the way...
of this giant,
gaping hole.
Jackie, what are these?
Uh-
Van sticks.
No. Jackie, these-
these are not van sticks.
These are drumsticks.
Whose drumsticks are they?
Oh, wow, Jackie.
What's up?
Okay. Fine. You know what? I used your van
to drive Chip and his band to a gig.
Jackie...
is Chip a girl?
Uh, no.
You had other guys
in my van?
You're dating a band?
It wasn't a date.
It was a gig.
Whatever it was,
it was a gross misuse of van.
And, uh-And you owe me money-
big-time!
I owe you money?
What about all the stuff I bought you
while we were together?
That does not count. You gave me
those things so I would love you.
Hangin'out
Down the street
The same old thing
We did last week
Not a thing to do
But talk to you
We're all all right
We're all all right
Hello, Wisconsin.!
Look what I've got.
Ew. What's that?
That is Marissa.
Carol's baby.
And you promised me last night
that you'd babysit her.
Last night? But I was drunk.
Why can't you do it?
- Because you promised.
- [Scoffs]
- And besides-
- [Cooing]
Your father and I are having fondue
and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.
Oh?
Then I'll do it.
No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.
Oh, golly,
Laurie, a baby.
And just in time
for your Black Mass.
Hey. What did I tell you about
calling your sister the devil?
That it's offensive
to the devil?
No, Laurie. You can't
feed a baby bacon.
Okay, okay.
What color is the baby?
Well, good.
Now, if that changes, call me.
- Is everything okay?
- Oh, yes.
We have just got the cutest little baby
over at our house right now.
- Isn't she cute, Red?
- Yeah, I just can't get over it.
Geez, Bob.
You got your fingers
in the cheese.
Remember how cute Laurie and Eric were
when they were babies?
They used to just
laugh and play.
Well, every time I was around
all they did was scream.
I just think it would be nice
to have a baby around the house again.
Oh, damn it, Bob.
Get your fingers
out of the cheese.
[Groaning]
[Groans]
[Groans] Do you think it would still do
this if I stopped feeding it?
- Oh, Laurie, let me do that.
- [Cooing]
[Cooing]
Wow. How'd you do
that last move?
It's all in the wrist.
See?
Hey.
- Look at the wrist on my girl.
- Shut up.
Let's go.
Wait. Wait, no. Donna, wait.
I think it really likes you.
Ooh. I think it just
said your name.
[Mimicking Baby Voice]
Donna!
Hey, you know, you were
really good in there.
Well, it's not exactly
brain surgery.
I know, but it was so cool.
It's just-
I think it's really, really...
cool that you can do that.
Eric, you're, like,
over the moon...
'cause I changed
a poopy diaper, but...
when I got my story
in the school paper...
all you said was,
"Yeah, they called you Donna Pincipotti."
It's a funny sound.
"Potti."
Come on. Try not to laugh.
That's good.
Come on, Donna.
About the diaper thing-
I was just paying you
a compliment.
- What was the compliment?
- That you are gonna be so...
great staying home
with our kids.
What?
Eric, how exactly
do you see our future?
Okay, okay. That could work.
I would just like to adjust
one little thing.
Okay. The businesswoman
idea is good.
But what about this?
[Disco]
Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah.
I would just change
one thing.
[Disco]
[Continues]
That seems more
hurtful than sexy.
Jackass.
So does that.
- You owe me money.
- Michael, your uncle gave you that van for free.
Yeah? Well, I put a lot of money
into that van.
The shag carpeting...
uh, eight track...
strobe light, black light,
red light.
- I hate you.
- Well, I hate you more.
- I hate you most.
- Well, I hate you the-
Damn it!
All right. All right.
Let's just act like adults...
and treat this like
what it really is: A divorce.
Oh, Jackie, you get
custody of me.
All right. Let's just figure out
what you guys owe each other.
Fine. I'm not afraid.
I'm right, and he's a total moocher.
I'm not afraid either.
There are laws to protect a man and his van.
For instance,
the Man-Van Act of 1847.
Right.
All right. All right.
Jackie...
in your opinion, what are the goods
and services that Kelso owes you for?
Everything.
He was a total doofus before I met him.
In fact,
I bought you that belt.
So hand it over.
And the shirt too.
Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories
of you buying me stuff anyway.
Here. Let me do the math.
[Clears Throat]
Okay. Now, Kelso-
Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price
for breaking her beautiful heart...
and stealing her innocence.
Now, Kelso, what do you believe
Jackie owes you?
Well- Uh-
W- One time I told her
that she looked pretty...
when really she looked
pretty skanky.
And-
And-
Hyde, help me out here.
Okay. Let me think.
Oh. Don't forget
he burned your house.
- Hyde.
- Dude, you burned her house.
Oh, and that clean
baby smell.
Yes, but when we had babies...
we couldn't go to
the movies or out to dinner.
Oh, Red. When was the last time
we went to the movies or out to dinner?
Exactly. Who needs to leave the house
when there are no babies in it?
I gotta thank my lucky stars
I got the old snippety-snip.
Bob, you mean you just
let some quack remove-
On, no.
Nothing's removed.
Okay. That's enough of that.
Yeah, well, I guess it's okay if it means
you don't have to have any more babies.
Oh, Red, it was fun having babies.
Remember fun?
Yes, Kitty, but it was also
a large responsibility.
Or burden, if you will.
Red Forman, I don't want to hear another word
out of you unless it's "I love babies."
- Kitty, you're making a scene.
- That is not "I love babies."
Kitty, what's the matter
with you?
Oh, well, l- I don't-
I don't want to ruin
our nice night out...
because, boy, Midge, you can really
melt a super pot of cheese, but, um-
I think I want another baby.
Really?
You like my cheese?
This is Aqua Net.
The same stuff Farrah uses.
And she's got a big TV show,
and she's married to Lee Majors.
So, Aqua Net, very important.
Oh, come on, Red.
Oh, look how sweet this baby is.
Just hold it.
Look, Kitty. I didn't touch our kids when
they were babies, and I'm not touching this one.
- Red Forman, you touch this baby.
- Nope.
- Touch it.
- Not happening.
Is this child
wearing lip liner?
So, turns out my supersensitive guy boyfriend
wants me to be a baby machine.
[Scoffs]
What a dill-hole.
Donna,
I'm sitting right here.
That's why I said it,
you dill-hole.
Donna, the only reason
I thought you'd stay home with the babies...
is because only every woman has done it
for the entire history of time.
So, don't be mad at me.
Be mad at your... foremothers.
Yeah.
That is so typical.
As if every woman wants to spend
her life as a pampered housewife...
raising kids
and organizing the help.
Wait. Isn't that
what every woman wants?
Donna, man...
Forman's just limited
by his experiences.
As the voice of a new generation
of smart, independent women...
you need to make this dill-hole realize
that a mind and spirit like yours...
has more options
than your mothers had.
Yeah.
Sorry. What?
All right, Donna. So...
are we cool?
I'm not wrong.
Women take care of babies.
- They do.
- Listen to him, Marissa.
He whines like a girl,
but he's not a girl.
Or maybe he is.
The thing is,
Donna's really good at it.
I mean, I could understand you not wanting
to stay home with your children.
You already have
such a fulfilling career as a whore.
Listen, twerp.
Did you ever think maybe it's not that
she doesn't want to have babies?
Maybe she just doesn't want to have
your skinny, whiny...
girl-trapped-in-a-boy-body
babies.
Okay. That's one for you.
I'm cold.
That must be why
your nipples are so pointy.
Oh, pointy nipple man
is mad.
I hope he doesn't poke me
with his pointy nipples.
All right.
That was really disturbing.
Okay. Here we go.
According to my calculations,
for repairs to the van...
Jackie, you owe Kelso $65.
Aha! Justice!
Yeah.
And, Kelso, you oweJackie...
$8,265.
Pay up, moocher!
Wha-Wha-
No, no.
This is-
That's totally unfair!
Hyde, you suck.
You could have been a man and forgiven her.
But no. You wanted to do the math.
Man, math has never
been my friend.
Wait. No. But she had
other guys in my van.
Michael, you had other girls
in your van while we were dating.
So, give me my $8,000.
Okay. I change my mind.
I forgive you.
See, if we had
a baby right now...
we could be
giving it a bath.
We could be putting it
in its warm little jammies.
Yeah. It's a shame that
we have to crawl into bed...
for eight hours of
uninterrupted sleep instead.
Come on.
You don't really want
another baby.
Well, I don't know.
I only have a few years left
where I even have the option.
Well, just because you can have a baby
doesn't mean you should.
I have a snowblower,
but I don't use it in July.
Red, it just-
It feels like maybe we've done everything
important there is to do.
We saved up.
We got our house. We had our kids.
Now what's left
to look forward to?
Peace and quiet.
[Baby Crying]
Well...
I just can't believe we're never gonna hear
that sound in our house again.
Well, until we have
grandchildren.
Grandchildren!
Oh, I forgot about
grandchildren!
- [Door Closes]
- So did I.
[Laughing]
Oh, boy.
I like the looks of that.
My baby with a baby.
It's not that hard.
I heard her crying,
and I figured she needed a bottle...
and it turned out
that she did.
So, um...
you think you might want
a baby of your own?
Well, yeah. I mean, once my looks
start to go, why not?
All right. So, how many kids
are we talking here?
One? Two? Six?
Whoa, Mom. Ease up, okay?
I'm not even down to
one boyfriend yet.
But- But you will be
soon, right?
Well, Zeke gets out of jail
in three months.
Okay.
Uh, I'm- I'm- I'm gonna
go talk to Eric.
Mom...
are you happy?
Sure.
What's this about?
I don't know. It's, like...
Eric said this stupid thing about me
not working when we're married...
and I just want to do something more meaningful
with my life than have kids, you know?
- No offense.
- No. No. That's okay.
It's not like I never wondered
what my life could have been like...
if I hadn't married
your father.
I mean, l-
Well, I could have been a doctor.
- Exactly.
- Or a dancing girl.
Right.
Oh, honey. Don't worry
so much about what Eric said.
You're probably not even gonna
have to deal with this anyway.
- How do you figure that?
- Well, you and Eric are so young.
The chances are you're not gonna
end up together anyway.
All right, Donna. That's it.
We gotta figure this out.
Because this is just hanging over our heads
like one of those huge, awful hanging things.
Let's not worry
about this anymore.
Let's, uh-
Let's go for a drive, okay?
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Did you want to say something else?
No. Just...
I love you.
Oh.
- Enough to strip for me?
- All right.
No. I mean I love you too.
I'd strip for you.
Laurie, her mother
is waiting.
I don't care. I love her,
and I'm not giving her back!
- What are you doing with that?
- Give me back the baby, missy, or, so help me...
the dryer goes down.
- You wouldn't.
- I would.
Fine, fine. Take her.
[Coos]
Shh, baby.
You're okay now.
9999
-
I got my first story in the school paper.
Neat. Oh. They spelled
your name wrong.
Apparently you're
"Donna Pincipotti."
That's funny 'cause it's got
the potty sound in it.
Hey, you know what else
is a funny sound?
Where the hell is Jackie
with your van, man?
- I want to get out of here.
- Ah, she had to help her aunt move a couch.
Why did you lend Jackie your van?
She hates you, man.
Well, I'm trying to
get on her good side, Fez.
I mean, this is a small town
with a limited number of women.
And I've already gone all the way through 'em
once, and now I'm back toJackie.
Oh. And I love her.
- Hey.
- Hey. So, how'd it go, baby?
- Oh. Great.
- Cool.
Yeah. Oh, except for
when I crashed your van.
But other than that, cool.
How did this happen?
Jackie, how?
- Michael, like I said-
- How?
- Coming out of the drive-
- [Screams] How?
Kelso. Come on, man.
Relax.
Let those of us who aren't you
enjoy this moment.
Besides, it's not all that bad.
This door still works.
Hey, Jackie.
What happened to the other door?
Other door?
Yeah, you know,
the thing that always got in the way...
of this giant,
gaping hole.
Jackie, what are these?
Uh-
Van sticks.
No. Jackie, these-
these are not van sticks.
These are drumsticks.
Whose drumsticks are they?
Oh, wow, Jackie.
What's up?
Okay. Fine. You know what? I used your van
to drive Chip and his band to a gig.
Jackie...
is Chip a girl?
Uh, no.
You had other guys
in my van?
You're dating a band?
It wasn't a date.
It was a gig.
Whatever it was,
it was a gross misuse of van.
And, uh-And you owe me money-
big-time!
I owe you money?
What about all the stuff I bought you
while we were together?
That does not count. You gave me
those things so I would love you.
Hangin'out
Down the street
The same old thing
We did last week
Not a thing to do
But talk to you
We're all all right
We're all all right
Hello, Wisconsin.!
Look what I've got.
Ew. What's that?
That is Marissa.
Carol's baby.
And you promised me last night
that you'd babysit her.
Last night? But I was drunk.
Why can't you do it?
- Because you promised.
- [Scoffs]
- And besides-
- [Cooing]
Your father and I are having fondue
and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.
Oh?
Then I'll do it.
No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.
Oh, golly,
Laurie, a baby.
And just in time
for your Black Mass.
Hey. What did I tell you about
calling your sister the devil?
That it's offensive
to the devil?
No, Laurie. You can't
feed a baby bacon.
Okay, okay.
What color is the baby?
Well, good.
Now, if that changes, call me.
- Is everything okay?
- Oh, yes.
We have just got the cutest little baby
over at our house right now.
- Isn't she cute, Red?
- Yeah, I just can't get over it.
Geez, Bob.
You got your fingers
in the cheese.
Remember how cute Laurie and Eric were
when they were babies?
They used to just
laugh and play.
Well, every time I was around
all they did was scream.
I just think it would be nice
to have a baby around the house again.
Oh, damn it, Bob.
Get your fingers
out of the cheese.
[Groaning]
[Groans]
[Groans] Do you think it would still do
this if I stopped feeding it?
- Oh, Laurie, let me do that.
- [Cooing]
[Cooing]
Wow. How'd you do
that last move?
It's all in the wrist.
See?
Hey.
- Look at the wrist on my girl.
- Shut up.
Let's go.
Wait. Wait, no. Donna, wait.
I think it really likes you.
Ooh. I think it just
said your name.
[Mimicking Baby Voice]
Donna!
Hey, you know, you were
really good in there.
Well, it's not exactly
brain surgery.
I know, but it was so cool.
It's just-
I think it's really, really...
cool that you can do that.
Eric, you're, like,
over the moon...
'cause I changed
a poopy diaper, but...
when I got my story
in the school paper...
all you said was,
"Yeah, they called you Donna Pincipotti."
It's a funny sound.
"Potti."
Come on. Try not to laugh.
That's good.
Come on, Donna.
About the diaper thing-
I was just paying you
a compliment.
- What was the compliment?
- That you are gonna be so...
great staying home
with our kids.
What?
Eric, how exactly
do you see our future?
Okay, okay. That could work.
I would just like to adjust
one little thing.
Okay. The businesswoman
idea is good.
But what about this?
[Disco]
Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah.
I would just change
one thing.
[Disco]
[Continues]
That seems more
hurtful than sexy.
Jackass.
So does that.
- You owe me money.
- Michael, your uncle gave you that van for free.
Yeah? Well, I put a lot of money
into that van.
The shag carpeting...
uh, eight track...
strobe light, black light,
red light.
- I hate you.
- Well, I hate you more.
- I hate you most.
- Well, I hate you the-
Damn it!
All right. All right.
Let's just act like adults...
and treat this like
what it really is: A divorce.
Oh, Jackie, you get
custody of me.
All right. Let's just figure out
what you guys owe each other.
Fine. I'm not afraid.
I'm right, and he's a total moocher.
I'm not afraid either.
There are laws to protect a man and his van.
For instance,
the Man-Van Act of 1847.
Right.
All right. All right.
Jackie...
in your opinion, what are the goods
and services that Kelso owes you for?
Everything.
He was a total doofus before I met him.
In fact,
I bought you that belt.
So hand it over.
And the shirt too.
Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories
of you buying me stuff anyway.
Here. Let me do the math.
[Clears Throat]
Okay. Now, Kelso-
Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price
for breaking her beautiful heart...
and stealing her innocence.
Now, Kelso, what do you believe
Jackie owes you?
Well- Uh-
W- One time I told her
that she looked pretty...
when really she looked
pretty skanky.
And-
And-
Hyde, help me out here.
Okay. Let me think.
Oh. Don't forget
he burned your house.
- Hyde.
- Dude, you burned her house.
Oh, and that clean
baby smell.
Yes, but when we had babies...
we couldn't go to
the movies or out to dinner.
Oh, Red. When was the last time
we went to the movies or out to dinner?
Exactly. Who needs to leave the house
when there are no babies in it?
I gotta thank my lucky stars
I got the old snippety-snip.
Bob, you mean you just
let some quack remove-
On, no.
Nothing's removed.
Okay. That's enough of that.
Yeah, well, I guess it's okay if it means
you don't have to have any more babies.
Oh, Red, it was fun having babies.
Remember fun?
Yes, Kitty, but it was also
a large responsibility.
Or burden, if you will.
Red Forman, I don't want to hear another word
out of you unless it's "I love babies."
- Kitty, you're making a scene.
- That is not "I love babies."
Kitty, what's the matter
with you?
Oh, well, l- I don't-
I don't want to ruin
our nice night out...
because, boy, Midge, you can really
melt a super pot of cheese, but, um-
I think I want another baby.
Really?
You like my cheese?
This is Aqua Net.
The same stuff Farrah uses.
And she's got a big TV show,
and she's married to Lee Majors.
So, Aqua Net, very important.
Oh, come on, Red.
Oh, look how sweet this baby is.
Just hold it.
Look, Kitty. I didn't touch our kids when
they were babies, and I'm not touching this one.
- Red Forman, you touch this baby.
- Nope.
- Touch it.
- Not happening.
Is this child
wearing lip liner?
So, turns out my supersensitive guy boyfriend
wants me to be a baby machine.
[Scoffs]
What a dill-hole.
Donna,
I'm sitting right here.
That's why I said it,
you dill-hole.
Donna, the only reason
I thought you'd stay home with the babies...
is because only every woman has done it
for the entire history of time.
So, don't be mad at me.
Be mad at your... foremothers.
Yeah.
That is so typical.
As if every woman wants to spend
her life as a pampered housewife...
raising kids
and organizing the help.
Wait. Isn't that
what every woman wants?
Donna, man...
Forman's just limited
by his experiences.
As the voice of a new generation
of smart, independent women...
you need to make this dill-hole realize
that a mind and spirit like yours...
has more options
than your mothers had.
Yeah.
Sorry. What?
All right, Donna. So...
are we cool?
I'm not wrong.
Women take care of babies.
- They do.
- Listen to him, Marissa.
He whines like a girl,
but he's not a girl.
Or maybe he is.
The thing is,
Donna's really good at it.
I mean, I could understand you not wanting
to stay home with your children.
You already have
such a fulfilling career as a whore.
Listen, twerp.
Did you ever think maybe it's not that
she doesn't want to have babies?
Maybe she just doesn't want to have
your skinny, whiny...
girl-trapped-in-a-boy-body
babies.
Okay. That's one for you.
I'm cold.
That must be why
your nipples are so pointy.
Oh, pointy nipple man
is mad.
I hope he doesn't poke me
with his pointy nipples.
All right.
That was really disturbing.
Okay. Here we go.
According to my calculations,
for repairs to the van...
Jackie, you owe Kelso $65.
Aha! Justice!
Yeah.
And, Kelso, you oweJackie...
$8,265.
Pay up, moocher!
Wha-Wha-
No, no.
This is-
That's totally unfair!
Hyde, you suck.
You could have been a man and forgiven her.
But no. You wanted to do the math.
Man, math has never
been my friend.
Wait. No. But she had
other guys in my van.
Michael, you had other girls
in your van while we were dating.
So, give me my $8,000.
Okay. I change my mind.
I forgive you.
See, if we had
a baby right now...
we could be
giving it a bath.
We could be putting it
in its warm little jammies.
Yeah. It's a shame that
we have to crawl into bed...
for eight hours of
uninterrupted sleep instead.
Come on.
You don't really want
another baby.
Well, I don't know.
I only have a few years left
where I even have the option.
Well, just because you can have a baby
doesn't mean you should.
I have a snowblower,
but I don't use it in July.
Red, it just-
It feels like maybe we've done everything
important there is to do.
We saved up.
We got our house. We had our kids.
Now what's left
to look forward to?
Peace and quiet.
[Baby Crying]
Well...
I just can't believe we're never gonna hear
that sound in our house again.
Well, until we have
grandchildren.
Grandchildren!
Oh, I forgot about
grandchildren!
- [Door Closes]
- So did I.
[Laughing]
Oh, boy.
I like the looks of that.
My baby with a baby.
It's not that hard.
I heard her crying,
and I figured she needed a bottle...
and it turned out
that she did.
So, um...
you think you might want
a baby of your own?
Well, yeah. I mean, once my looks
start to go, why not?
All right. So, how many kids
are we talking here?
One? Two? Six?
Whoa, Mom. Ease up, okay?
I'm not even down to
one boyfriend yet.
But- But you will be
soon, right?
Well, Zeke gets out of jail
in three months.
Okay.
Uh, I'm- I'm- I'm gonna
go talk to Eric.
Mom...
are you happy?
Sure.
What's this about?
I don't know. It's, like...
Eric said this stupid thing about me
not working when we're married...
and I just want to do something more meaningful
with my life than have kids, you know?
- No offense.
- No. No. That's okay.
It's not like I never wondered
what my life could have been like...
if I hadn't married
your father.
I mean, l-
Well, I could have been a doctor.
- Exactly.
- Or a dancing girl.
Right.
Oh, honey. Don't worry
so much about what Eric said.
You're probably not even gonna
have to deal with this anyway.
- How do you figure that?
- Well, you and Eric are so young.
The chances are you're not gonna
end up together anyway.
All right, Donna. That's it.
We gotta figure this out.
Because this is just hanging over our heads
like one of those huge, awful hanging things.
Let's not worry
about this anymore.
Let's, uh-
Let's go for a drive, okay?
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Did you want to say something else?
No. Just...
I love you.
Oh.
- Enough to strip for me?
- All right.
No. I mean I love you too.
I'd strip for you.
Laurie, her mother
is waiting.
I don't care. I love her,
and I'm not giving her back!
- What are you doing with that?
- Give me back the baby, missy, or, so help me...
the dryer goes down.
- You wouldn't.
- I would.
Fine, fine. Take her.
[Coos]
Shh, baby.
You're okay now.
9999
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