That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 3, Episode 3 - Hyde's Father - full transcript

[Clears Throat]

All right. They didn't
even check our fake I.D.'s.

And I wasted a whole day
thinking up my fake name.

Yeah. Sorry, "Pez."

Let's drink.

- So, fellas, school let out early?
- Yeah. We're just-

- Kelso, shut up.
- Uh, I mean, no.

No, we're old.

We're workers.
We're all construction workers.

Hey, fellas, did you
see that brick today?

- Whoo!
- Relax, guys.



It's "Serve a Minor Night" at the old
"Don't Have a Liquor License" Saloon.

You look familiar.
Do I know you?

I should hope so... Dad.

Hangin'out

Down the street

The same old thing

We did last week

Not a thing to do

But talk to you

We're all all right

We're all all right

Hello, Wisconsin.!

- [Laughs] Hey! Steven!
- [Laughs] Wow!

- So you're Hyde's Dad?
- [Chuckles] Well, that's what his mother says.



[Laughs]
Kidding.

Hello, Mr. Hyde's Dad.
I am Pez.

- I've heard much about you.
- Good things, I hope.

Well, if running out on your family
and becoming a drunk is good, then, yes.

Okay, guys.
Let's... look over here.

Wow! [Chuckles]
Look at you!

You're... bigger-

and you got
your mom's hair...

and her sideburns.

- So, how long has it been?
- Eight years, 51 days.

Wow! [Laughs]
Time really flies when you're-

- Drunk?
- Y-Well.

I was gonna say "havin' fun,"
but- [Laughs] same thing.

Yeah, so, uh, how long
you been back for?

Well, let's see.
Ah, that must be about a year.

- Ayear?
- Yeah! Hey, I was gonna call ya.

Oh, you were gonna call me?
Oh, man, that makes you, like...

I don't know, what,
father of the year?

I'll see you around, Dad.

Oh, man, Hyde's upset.
Better go see how he is.

Yep. One more round,
we'll go see how he is.

Hello!
[Chuckles]

She is just my type: Naked.

I, too, like the naked ladies.

I find them so... naked.

Yeah, that's realistic.
I think I'm gonna change the oil in my car-

but first I'm gonna take off everything
but my cowboy boots.

Sure, I mean if you're in bare feet,
you could slip in the oil.

Come on, Donna.
Safety first.

Whoa! Surefire ways
to pick up women.

[Scoffs] What kind of lonely losers
read this stuff anyway?

Gimme.

"Look deep into her eyes,
and use her name often...

showing that this conversation
is just for her."

[Clears Throat]
Hey, Donna.

I think they're onto something, Donna.
What do you think, Donna?

Oh, my God. I'm taking off my shirt.
Stop it, hands! Stop it!

Well, Steven, honey,
you haven't touched your sandwich.

- You feel okay?
- Yeah. I'm just not hungry.

Oh, Steven. Are you finally
tired of freeloading?

- Can it, Laurie.
- All I'm saying is Daddy works really hard...

and nothing here is cheap.

- Except you.
- [Hyde Laughing]

- Believe me. I'm not cheap.
- Fine. "Free." Whatever.

Hey, honey,
I'm home!

Oh, good.
The hippie's here.

Hyde, man, your dad
come by lookin' for you, man.

Which is really freaky 'cause I thought
this bald dude was your dad.

Thanks, Leo.

Steven's father is in town?

Yeah, right. Like he
even knows who his father is.

- Eric, you know something about this?
- She's a bitch.

Right. Okay.
Uh, yeah.

We bumped into Hyde's dad
last night.

He'd been back in town, like, a year-
hadn't even talked to his own son.

Cool. Egg salad.

Well, I'm gonna
talk to Steven...

and see how he's
feeling about this.

You know what, Mom? I wouldn't do that.
Hyde likes to bottle those things up.

Good for him. That's where
those feelings should be kept.

Well, what is he gonna do?
Pretend he doesn't have a father?

Kitty, this is a family issue, and,
for once, it's not about our family.

Look, the bond between
a father and a son...

is complex and subtle.

You wipe that damn smirk
off your face!

Red, when we took
that boy into our home...

it became our job to see him
through thick and thin...

and now it's thick-

or thin- I don't know,
but he needs us.

Cool egg salad, man.

Fine. Stick your nose in
where it doesn't belong. Go ahead.

Okay. Will do.

Bud's comin' over
for drinks tonight.

Uh, Mom, do you really want to invite
an alcoholic over for cocktails?

Oh, right. Okay, well,
I'll just, um...

I'll make him a nice
Shirley Temple...

and he can fill up on cheese.

You keep a stack of dirty magazines
under your bed?

What? No!
God, not a stack.

You know, what is
a "stack" really?

- Why do you have these down here?
- Now, wait, Donna...

downstairs you were laughing
and cracking jokes about this stuff.

Eric, that was
in the basement...

with our idiotic friends.

- Why do you need them? Aren't I enough?
- No-Yeah, you're enough.

God, you're-
you're plenty.

It's just, uh,
that, uh...

you see, Donna, you see,
what I do with dirty magazines...

is...

really only interesting to me-

with the reading of the articles
and the solving of the puzzles and whatnot.

You know what? I don't wanna know
about the whatnot.

I'm outta here.

Oh, no, girls.
She's onto us.

Hello, Jackie.
How are you, Jackie?

- Fine.
- I'm glad, Jackie. I, too, am fine, Jackie.

Do I have a sty?

No, Jackie. You, Jackie,
do not have a sty-

- Jackie.
- Okay-

Fez.

I don't know what
you're doing, Fez...

but stop doing it, Fez.

Oh, no. Now I am turned on.

Oh, wow, man. Look at all these different nuts
intermingling in one bowl.

It's like "Nutstock," man.

Kitty, I think
we should rethink...

our "Don't Throw Leo
Out On His Ass" policy.

No, no. Leo stuck around
because he cares about Steven.

And, plus, I can't
find my shoes, man.

- Hey. What's goin' on?
- Oh, good news, Steven.

- Your dad's coming over tonight.
- Screw that!

- No, Steven, it's a good thing, I think.
- [Doorbell Rings]

- I got nothing to say to him!
- Well, we have fancy nut mix.

Hey, Red!
Remember me?

Of course. I wasn't the one
passed out in the gutter.

[Laughs]
Yeah, I have this weird condition...

where I drink a case
of beer and fall down.

[Laughs]
Hey, Red. Man, you're lookin' good.

Have you lost, um... hair?

Steven'll be right out.

Hey, man, nice shoes.

Are those mine?

- Hello, Bud.
- Hi.

- Can I go now?
- It's "May I go" and no.

So, Bud...

can I get you a drink?

[Forced Laugh]

A drink! A drink of soda.

A nice drink of soda,
Bud. Plus, we have cheese.

Soda sounds great, Kitty.

- Yeah, I'm off the hooch.
- [Kitty] Oh, really?

- So, no more boozing?
- I heard him.

Yep. I can finally
see clearly.

Isn't it great, man?

It is. I got a job
and an apartment.

- Color TV.
- Ooh, color TV. That's nice.

Wow, Bud, you're doing
great now, huh?

Color TV? Man.

I remember when I was a kid,
I didn't even have a father.

[Smacks Lips]
Well, well.

- Who could have foreseen this terrible-
- Can it.

Jackie didn't give me
the time of the day.

I hate this stupid magazine.

Oh, no. I didn't mean it.
I love you.

[Chuckles]
Hey, Fez. Check this out.

"Tight pants turn a man's derriere
into a lady's dream...

"and an open shirt
shows a sexy chest...

and an irresistible
joie de vivre."

Really?

I always thought
my joie de vivre was in my pants.

Okay. I can't believe
I'm asking you guys this...

but if any of you losers
had a girlfriend...

would you still
look at those magazines?

Hey, I had two girlfriends-
and a little action on the side-

and I still looked
at those magazines.

You had action on the side? Who?

You don't know her.
She went to Sacred Heart.

Okay. Anybody here
have an opinion who's not a skeevy pig?

I'm glad you asked, Donna.

If I had Jackie, I would never
look at those magazines-

Unless she's on the phone
or went shopping...

or took a short nap.

[Sighs]
Look, Donna...

this is just the way
guys are. Okay?

I mean if Forman was actually dating the-
the "Naughty Campus Coeds"...

he'd be locked in a bathroom
looking at naked pictures of you.

He's right, so-
Are there naked pictures of you?

[Groans]
My leg!

- Hey, knee him in the groin!
- [Kelso] Oh.!

Oh, my, God!
She did it!

[Kelso Groans]

So...

how's your cocoa?

Chocolaty good. Thanks.

That's good 'cause I think
your father has really changed.

He is not the same man
I used to know...

and the marshmallows
make it extra good.

Well, at least you knew him,
Mrs. Forman, 'cause I never did.

Okay, well,
here's your chance.

Maybe now you can make
some new, happy memories.

Wouldn't that
be wonderful?

- [Engine Starts]
- [Hyde Cheering]

Yeah!

[Groans]

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Screaming]

[Sobbing]

[Sobs]

Yeah, you know what,
Mrs. Forman?

No.

Are you sure? 'Cause I kinda think
you're bottling things up.

I'm not bottling anything!

[Sighs]

Well, hi, there, beautiful.
And how are you?

Not good, you dirtbag.

That's what I thought you'd-
Excuse me.

I am not going to help you cheat
on your girlfriend.

But I don't have
a girlfriend, you...

silly librarian.

Don't you lie to me. I heard everything.
I was right under that mattress...

and that Donna
sounded really upset.

No! No, no.
Sh-She's okay. Really.

Excuse me.

My turnoffs include
unfaithful men.

Didn't you read
my biography?

Um-

l-You know,
I was just getting to it.

Sorry, but Donna
is a nice girl...

and you are a...
filthy, filthy boy!

You filthy, filthy,
filthy, filthy...

filthy, filthy, filthy,
filthy, filthy, filthy boy!

Hey! You can't ditch me,
then walk back into my life eight years later...

and expect everything
to be okay.

- You screwed me!
- I did. You're right. I know.

And-

You what? You know?
What do you mean you know?

[Sputters]
I got no excuse. I was a jerk.

[Scoffs]
I've been a jerk my whole life.

[Sighs]
And all I can do is tell you I'm sorry...

and hope that you'll
believe me.

You jerk! How am I supposed
to yell at you now?

I was gonna yell!
I was gonna tell you off!

I think you should. I mean, you wanna yell?
Go ahead.

- I deserve it.
- You're ju-You're caving?

That just makes it worse!
Come on, man. Give me something!

- You want a beer?
- Yeah!

Give me a beer!

- Well, hello, Jackie.
- Hey, Fez.

[Laughs]
Hey, Fez.

Nice ass!

Why, thank you, Kelso.

Oh, my God.
What the hell's that smell?

Well, Jackie,
it's a combination of musk...

and a little thing
I like to call "Fez."

Whoa, Fez!
What are you doing?

Showing off
my joie de vivre.

- You like?
- No!

So, what?
This was all a waste?

The pants, the chest,
the manly smell...

the "Jackie, hello,
Jackie, Jackie...

Jackie, Jackie, Jackie,
Jackie"-Worthless?

Not worthless-
Hilarious.

Okay, look, Fez,
you're not bad-looking.

I mean, some girls like
that exotic, grimy look-

but only the cheapest,
most sluttiest girls will like that.

I see.

Damn, Fez!
Looking good.

Hey, so, thanks for the singles
at the nudie bar, huh.

Hey, hey, hey! You gotta tip the girls
or they ignore ya.

- Yeah.
- So, they takin' care of you here?

Yeah, yeah.
It's good. It's great.

- It's a nice place.
- Oh, yeah.

That's nice.
I like my place too.

It's good.
It's got an extra room.

- That's cool.
- Yeah.

So, if you ever wanna,
you know, come by or whatever.

You know? I'm not
usin' the extra room.

Hence, the term
"extra room."

Yeah. Yeah,
the rent's due, but...

they don't evict you
for, like, three months...

so, I still got... two days.

So, you lookin'
for a loan, Bud?

Well, will ya look at that?

A father and son
brought together by-

Oh, my goodness!
I think it was me!

- Don't gloat, Kitty.
- Mr. Wrongie!

Fine.

Once in 26 years!

Live it up, Kitty!

Oh, crap.

Ta-da

Wow, Eric.
It's a room.

Not just any room. See?

No more dirty magazines.
I threw 'em all out.

And you know what, Donna?
I don't miss 'em.

Eric, you didn't
have to do that.

I mean, I understand
why you need them.

- You do?
- Yes! You're disgusting!

- What?
- It's okay.

All guys are.
You're a revolting gender.

You know,
we really are.

But you're disgusting
in a cute, harmless way...

and I guess I love you
for that.

I love you too.

Let me make it up to you. I can have
a naked girl in here in 10 seconds.

- Oh, great. Send her in. I'll see you later.
- Shut up!

Steven, good. I wanted
to have a talk with you.

- What are you doin'?
- Oh.

- I'm movin' in with Bud.
- You're movin' in with Bud?

- Yeah, Red. It's gonna be okay.
- No, it's not gonna be okay.

Steven, your dad is not...

good.

Yeah. I know, but,
you know, he's my dad.

- Yeah. He's your dad.
- Yeah.

Anyway. Red, thanks for everything.
You know? Really.

Hey, do me a favor.
Would you tell Mrs. Forman?

- I don't want to have to deal
with the whole crying thing.
- You think I do?

Nah, I'll just tell her
that, you know-

Anytime you need a place to stay,
you're welcome here.

- That'll make her feel better.
- Yeah. That sounds good.

Thanks.

[Clears Throat] Yeah, so, what?
You don't wanna hug, do ya?

- [Chuckles] God, no.
- Good.

- 'Cause you're not gettin' one.
- Right.

- Well, sis-boom-bah.
- Sure this is okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Before you got here...

I got the thumbs-up
from the old ball and chain.

- She's great. You'd like her.
- Oh.

Well, if she's so great,
are you sure you need me?

Look, I've been over this
again and again and again-

And, yes, I do.

Okay.

Well, yea, team.