That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 3, Episode 23 - Canadian Road Trip - full transcript
Eric, Kelso, Hyde and Fez plan to go to Canada to buy beer. When they find Leo in the car he also comes along. Everything goes the way it was planned, until Fez discovers he can't find his green card. Red has got a beta max video tape recorder and insists on taping Roots, although Kitty wants to watch as it airs. Jackie is hoodwinked by a woman who claims to run a modeling agency.
Okay, guys. Road trip checklist.
Car: Check.
Okay. We're good.
Is there anything about Canada
we need to know before we get there?
Well, the beer is stronger, and as a
result, their women look prettier.
Then let's haul ass to Canada!
Okay. Shh. Fez, if my dad finds out
that we're going to Canada...
uh, for beer, no less,
he's gonna start killing people, okay?
People like us. So keep it down.
All right! Canada!
Whoo-hoo! Beer!
- Kelso, you're not going.
- What? Why not?
Because this is a risky mission.
You tend to screw these things up.
- Yo, that is a damnable lie!
- Okay.
Kelso, remember that time we were
gonna put a flaming bag of dog poop...
in front of Principal Pridwell's door...
and you lit it in the car
on the way over?
Yeah. I wanted
to see it all flame-y.
And then you panicked
and stepped on it.
Eric, it was on fire!
Okay. You're not going.
No, no, no. Fine.
I won't use the air horn...
and I'll pay for the gas
and the beer.
I can't stay mad at you.
Come on, you big lug.
Hey, dudes.
- Leo, man, what are you doin' here?
- Sittin'.
- What are you doin' here?
- We're goin' to Canada to buy beer.
Canada? Cool, man.
I spent some time up there
during 'Nam.
Oh, conscientious objector, huh?
No. I didn't mind.
Hey, a road trip sounds good, man. But I
don't want nothin' to do with that beer.
That stuff will mess
with your mind, man.
Okay. Let's get goin'.
Oh, don't tell me
Crap Shoes is comin'.
The bag was on fire!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Donna...
Glamourella Modeling Agency
got the pictures I sent in.
They want me to audition!
My dream is finally coming true!
I thought your dream was to be
the world's first flying lady scientist.
No. No, Donna. That was a dream I had,
not my dream.
- You're a weird little girl.
- Yeah.
If I become a model, I wouldn't
have to work or study or think ever again!
That's great. I mean,
what's thought done for anyone anyway?
Nothing!
But modeling has made people rich
and famous.
Come on, Donna! We're going
to the world modeling headquarters.
It's in Sheboygan.
Guess who got a bonus today?
Oh, my golly.
They gave you a boxful of money.
- Better.
- Ohh.
"A videocassette recorder."
What's videocassette,
and why do we need to record it?
It records TV.
You know how we don't
get to see Johnny Carson?
Well, he's on so gosh-darn late.
Who can stay up past 10:30?
No one, but now...
we can record Johnny while we sleep
and then watch it the next day.
- Oh.
- And you know how you wanted to watch the rerun of Roots?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, we can tape it, and then you can watch it over and over.
Well, I think just watching it tonight
should do the trick.
Well, we will watch it tonight,
after we tape it.
But we don't stay up to watch Carson.
Why would we stay up to watch this?
Because it's conven...
Oh, you just don't understand technology.
No. But I sure know how to tell time.
Wow. What a view.
Just like a postcard.
It is so beautiful I could cry.
Oh, sure.
Drinking looks like fun.
And all the cool kids do it.
But it leads you down
a sad, lonely, confused path, man.
- You know why they call it beer?
- No. Why?
I'm just curious, man.
Guys, guess how many countries
I've whizzed in.
Two.
All right. Let's get goin'.
We're almost at the border,
so everyone's got their I.D.'s, right?
- Yep.
- Oh, no.
- I think I lost my green card.
- Damn, Fez. Where's the last place you had it?
If I knew that, I would have it now,
you son of a bitch.
- All right, Fez. Take it easy.
- No. You take it easy.
They're gonna throw me
in Canadian jail.
Have you seen Midnight Express?
Well, it's like that,
but with hockey sticks.
Great. Now we're screwed.
- What if I can't breathe?
- Just take a deep breath, man...
And visualize yourself breathing.
All right. Now, when we get
to the checkpoint, everyone just act cool.
And by everyone,
I mean Mr. Crap Shoes.
It was on fire!
- Wow.
- Hi. I'm Michelle Ray...
President of
Glamourella International.
- And you must be?
- I'm Jackie Burkhart.
Jackie Burkhart. Exactly.
- And you are here for?
- My audition.
Your audition. Exactly.
- And you must be?
- Yeah. She doesn't matter. Okay. Let's start.
- Okay. Let's do it.
- Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh. Let's see the hair.
Well, you are a remarkable talent.
- Are those your real teeth?
- Yeah.
Great. Welcome to
the superior world of modeling.
- Oh, God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Sure.
Now...
You're going to need to cover a few costs.
Of course. Oh, you know,
I left my checkbook at home.
Um, can I come by tomorrow?
Oh, tomorrow.
No. No. Tomorrow I'll be in Paris,
you know, for the big show.
Okay.
Then I'll bring it by tonight.
- Good. Okay. Administrative costs are 200.
- Uh-huh.
And publicity shots are 150.
And we're gonna need beauty supplies...
Wait. Hold on. Hold on.
Are you an agent or a saleslady?
Oh, I'm an agent.
I represent models like Cheryl Tiegs.
- You represent Cheryl Tiegs?
- No. Models like Cheryl Tiegs.
Red, it's starting. It's starting.
And press "record" and done!
We are now recording.
Two hours from now,
we'll be watching Roots.
Well, I just...
I just don't see why we can't
watch it now like normal people.
Kitty, we have a Betamax.
We're better than normal people.
So, what do you wanna do
for the next two hours?
Watch Roots.
Fine.
I'm gonna go make
some instant pudding...
and you can't eat it
for two hours.
All right. Just act cool.
We got nothin' to hide.
You got something to hide, eh?
No, no. He said,
"We've got nothing to hide."
Around here, we don't make a point
of saying we've got nothin' to hide...
if we've really got nothin' to hide.
Wow.
Cultural differences. Wow.
We're all Americans,
every one of us.
- All right. Move along.
- Thank you.
Cool.
Stop right there.
Hey, you found me!
You win a beer.
You see, beer is evil.
I'm not gonna say I told you so, man,
but I will say this:
I told you so, man.
Beer never hurt anyone, my friend.
You're well
within the legal limit on that.
But you're over the limit on foreign kids
you can smuggle out of this country.
Well, what is
the legal limit on that?
We only had one foreign kid.
The limit is zero, you hoser.
- Damn it.
- Hey, I'd keep a civil tongue in my head if I were you.
We could throw you in jail right now.
We're the Mounties; we answer to no one.
Look, Fez just lost his green card.
We just... We didn't want any trouble.
Lost green card?
Seems a little convenient, eh?
You got us.
We're here
to take over your country.
Hyde, I know it seems funny
when you say stuff like that...
but, um, don't.
No one leaves
until we get answers, eh?
Eh?
Eh?
- What are you doin' in Canada?
- What are you doin' in Canada?
We're part of an elite,
high school terrorist team...
Strike Force Wisconsin.
Uh, we just came here
to get the beer, and I love Rush.
"Fly by night!" Ow!
Well, if ham's Canadian bacon,
then what the hell do you call bacon?
Me no "speakaz" English.
What's your business in Canada?
What's your business in Canada?
What? Getting beer.
Every once in a while, do you
ever get an American nickel in your change?
Me no "understando."
What's your reason
for coming to Canada, eh?
- What's your reason...
- Shut up!
Yeah. I'm here
to nail Margaret Trudeau.
Been there.
Done that.
Beer. Beer. Beer!
Are those snowshoes hard
to walk in?
They're tennis rackets,
aren't they?
Wee foobie deebie doobie.
Woobie deebie doobie?
Woobie deebie...
Jackie, can't you see? This woman
is just tryin' to make money off you.
Donna, she deserves her cut.
She discovered a remarkable talent.
Donna, don't hate me
'cause I'm beautiful.
Jackie, I pity you
because you're dumb.
Administrative fees?
Publicity shots? Beauty packages?
It's a scam.
This is the most important thing that's ever
happened to me, and you're trying to ruin it.
- Look, Jackie, I'm sorry, but...
- And to think I was gonna make you my assistant.
Our nail care package is optional,
but if you're really serious...
Oh... Oh, I am. I am fully committed
to both fame and fortune.
You are going places.
That'll be another $200 then.
Excellent. Hi, I'm Michelle Ray.
- I know. I was just here.
- Of course you were.
I told you to stay in the car,
you dream killer.
Jackie, I'm here for you.
And, as a matter of fact...
I've decided to be a model too.
Oh, Donna, you're so funny!
Donna, you're gonna need $200 for publicity
costs. And then there's administrative fees.
- Wait, wait. You didn't even ask her to shake her hair.
- Oh, yeah. Shake your hair.
You are a remarkable talent.
Wait, wait, wait. What?
You think Donna here can be a model?
This is a scam.
How dare you
soil the pure and noble art of modeling?
I like your passion.
Have you ever considered acting?
Oh, my God. That's my dream.
- We're going.
- Oh.
And... time!
Let's watch Roots.
Oh, Red, I'm sleepy.
Can we watch it in the morning?
In the morning?
But I just taped it.
Well, I know, but I thought the whole point
was we can watch it whenever we want.
- But I just taped it.
- Fine. Let's watch it now.
Great. Now, I just punch "play,"
and, voil?... Roots.
Where's Roots, Red?
Oh, that's right.
I forgot to rewind the tape.
The tape.
This tape?
How do they get the movie
onto the tape...
when it's way the heck
over here, Red?
- It's complicated.
- Good night, Red.
Damn!
I should've got the microwave.
- Thanks for looking out for me.
- Sure.
And I've thought about it,
and you could be a model. Hmm.
Thanks, Jackie. That's nice.
You guys are in real trouble
if you did what we think you did.
- What do you think we did?
- What do you think we think you did?
What do you think
we think you think we did?
Something involving a foreign kid
in the back of a car.
- That much is for sure.
- And now we're gonna get some answers.
- What are you gonna do? Torture us?
- Yeah.
You gonna make us listen
to Anne Murray records?
Hey, she's a wonderful performer,
and you're not funny.
No. I think what we're gonna do
is call your parents.
Oh, Red is going to kill you.
I mean... obie deebie doobie.
No! We had to smuggle Fez.
It was the only way for him
to see this great country...
with its spacious skies
and fruited waves of... plain.
And... Oh, Canada
Our home and native land
- Nice try, kid.
- True patriot love
In all thy sons' command
- It's not gonna work.
- With glowing hearts
We see thee rise
the true north strong as...
From far and wide
Oh, Canada
we stand on guard for thee
God keep our land
Glorious and free
Oh, Canada
We stand on guard for thee
Oh, Canada
We stand on guard for thee
- You sure are good kids.
- Thanks, man.
You know, there must be
some way to put this all behind us.
Yeah, but there's not.
We'll give you our beer.
Oh, God bless you, son.
My green card.
I hid it in my right shoe
for safekeeping.
I even made up a rhyme
so I would remember.
My green card in my right shoe
Something, something right shoe
So, see, it was just
a big misunderstanding.
Thank God we got that cleared up.
We're just gonna
grab our beer and head on out of here.
Yeah. But you're not
gettin' your beer back.
Now... leave Canada, please.
- You leave Canada, please.
- Get...
Filthy hippie.
Guys, I have to admit something.
I love Anne Murray.
She puts me in the mood.
So, guys, next time,
instead of goin' to Canada...
let's just stay here
and pretend we're in Canada.
So, how's it goin', eh?
Hey, you know, if Fonzie
ever played a Mountie on Happy Days...
he could go, "Aay, eh?"
Car: Check.
Okay. We're good.
Is there anything about Canada
we need to know before we get there?
Well, the beer is stronger, and as a
result, their women look prettier.
Then let's haul ass to Canada!
Okay. Shh. Fez, if my dad finds out
that we're going to Canada...
uh, for beer, no less,
he's gonna start killing people, okay?
People like us. So keep it down.
All right! Canada!
Whoo-hoo! Beer!
- Kelso, you're not going.
- What? Why not?
Because this is a risky mission.
You tend to screw these things up.
- Yo, that is a damnable lie!
- Okay.
Kelso, remember that time we were
gonna put a flaming bag of dog poop...
in front of Principal Pridwell's door...
and you lit it in the car
on the way over?
Yeah. I wanted
to see it all flame-y.
And then you panicked
and stepped on it.
Eric, it was on fire!
Okay. You're not going.
No, no, no. Fine.
I won't use the air horn...
and I'll pay for the gas
and the beer.
I can't stay mad at you.
Come on, you big lug.
Hey, dudes.
- Leo, man, what are you doin' here?
- Sittin'.
- What are you doin' here?
- We're goin' to Canada to buy beer.
Canada? Cool, man.
I spent some time up there
during 'Nam.
Oh, conscientious objector, huh?
No. I didn't mind.
Hey, a road trip sounds good, man. But I
don't want nothin' to do with that beer.
That stuff will mess
with your mind, man.
Okay. Let's get goin'.
Oh, don't tell me
Crap Shoes is comin'.
The bag was on fire!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Donna...
Glamourella Modeling Agency
got the pictures I sent in.
They want me to audition!
My dream is finally coming true!
I thought your dream was to be
the world's first flying lady scientist.
No. No, Donna. That was a dream I had,
not my dream.
- You're a weird little girl.
- Yeah.
If I become a model, I wouldn't
have to work or study or think ever again!
That's great. I mean,
what's thought done for anyone anyway?
Nothing!
But modeling has made people rich
and famous.
Come on, Donna! We're going
to the world modeling headquarters.
It's in Sheboygan.
Guess who got a bonus today?
Oh, my golly.
They gave you a boxful of money.
- Better.
- Ohh.
"A videocassette recorder."
What's videocassette,
and why do we need to record it?
It records TV.
You know how we don't
get to see Johnny Carson?
Well, he's on so gosh-darn late.
Who can stay up past 10:30?
No one, but now...
we can record Johnny while we sleep
and then watch it the next day.
- Oh.
- And you know how you wanted to watch the rerun of Roots?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, we can tape it, and then you can watch it over and over.
Well, I think just watching it tonight
should do the trick.
Well, we will watch it tonight,
after we tape it.
But we don't stay up to watch Carson.
Why would we stay up to watch this?
Because it's conven...
Oh, you just don't understand technology.
No. But I sure know how to tell time.
Wow. What a view.
Just like a postcard.
It is so beautiful I could cry.
Oh, sure.
Drinking looks like fun.
And all the cool kids do it.
But it leads you down
a sad, lonely, confused path, man.
- You know why they call it beer?
- No. Why?
I'm just curious, man.
Guys, guess how many countries
I've whizzed in.
Two.
All right. Let's get goin'.
We're almost at the border,
so everyone's got their I.D.'s, right?
- Yep.
- Oh, no.
- I think I lost my green card.
- Damn, Fez. Where's the last place you had it?
If I knew that, I would have it now,
you son of a bitch.
- All right, Fez. Take it easy.
- No. You take it easy.
They're gonna throw me
in Canadian jail.
Have you seen Midnight Express?
Well, it's like that,
but with hockey sticks.
Great. Now we're screwed.
- What if I can't breathe?
- Just take a deep breath, man...
And visualize yourself breathing.
All right. Now, when we get
to the checkpoint, everyone just act cool.
And by everyone,
I mean Mr. Crap Shoes.
It was on fire!
- Wow.
- Hi. I'm Michelle Ray...
President of
Glamourella International.
- And you must be?
- I'm Jackie Burkhart.
Jackie Burkhart. Exactly.
- And you are here for?
- My audition.
Your audition. Exactly.
- And you must be?
- Yeah. She doesn't matter. Okay. Let's start.
- Okay. Let's do it.
- Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh. Let's see the hair.
Well, you are a remarkable talent.
- Are those your real teeth?
- Yeah.
Great. Welcome to
the superior world of modeling.
- Oh, God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Sure.
Now...
You're going to need to cover a few costs.
Of course. Oh, you know,
I left my checkbook at home.
Um, can I come by tomorrow?
Oh, tomorrow.
No. No. Tomorrow I'll be in Paris,
you know, for the big show.
Okay.
Then I'll bring it by tonight.
- Good. Okay. Administrative costs are 200.
- Uh-huh.
And publicity shots are 150.
And we're gonna need beauty supplies...
Wait. Hold on. Hold on.
Are you an agent or a saleslady?
Oh, I'm an agent.
I represent models like Cheryl Tiegs.
- You represent Cheryl Tiegs?
- No. Models like Cheryl Tiegs.
Red, it's starting. It's starting.
And press "record" and done!
We are now recording.
Two hours from now,
we'll be watching Roots.
Well, I just...
I just don't see why we can't
watch it now like normal people.
Kitty, we have a Betamax.
We're better than normal people.
So, what do you wanna do
for the next two hours?
Watch Roots.
Fine.
I'm gonna go make
some instant pudding...
and you can't eat it
for two hours.
All right. Just act cool.
We got nothin' to hide.
You got something to hide, eh?
No, no. He said,
"We've got nothing to hide."
Around here, we don't make a point
of saying we've got nothin' to hide...
if we've really got nothin' to hide.
Wow.
Cultural differences. Wow.
We're all Americans,
every one of us.
- All right. Move along.
- Thank you.
Cool.
Stop right there.
Hey, you found me!
You win a beer.
You see, beer is evil.
I'm not gonna say I told you so, man,
but I will say this:
I told you so, man.
Beer never hurt anyone, my friend.
You're well
within the legal limit on that.
But you're over the limit on foreign kids
you can smuggle out of this country.
Well, what is
the legal limit on that?
We only had one foreign kid.
The limit is zero, you hoser.
- Damn it.
- Hey, I'd keep a civil tongue in my head if I were you.
We could throw you in jail right now.
We're the Mounties; we answer to no one.
Look, Fez just lost his green card.
We just... We didn't want any trouble.
Lost green card?
Seems a little convenient, eh?
You got us.
We're here
to take over your country.
Hyde, I know it seems funny
when you say stuff like that...
but, um, don't.
No one leaves
until we get answers, eh?
Eh?
Eh?
- What are you doin' in Canada?
- What are you doin' in Canada?
We're part of an elite,
high school terrorist team...
Strike Force Wisconsin.
Uh, we just came here
to get the beer, and I love Rush.
"Fly by night!" Ow!
Well, if ham's Canadian bacon,
then what the hell do you call bacon?
Me no "speakaz" English.
What's your business in Canada?
What's your business in Canada?
What? Getting beer.
Every once in a while, do you
ever get an American nickel in your change?
Me no "understando."
What's your reason
for coming to Canada, eh?
- What's your reason...
- Shut up!
Yeah. I'm here
to nail Margaret Trudeau.
Been there.
Done that.
Beer. Beer. Beer!
Are those snowshoes hard
to walk in?
They're tennis rackets,
aren't they?
Wee foobie deebie doobie.
Woobie deebie doobie?
Woobie deebie...
Jackie, can't you see? This woman
is just tryin' to make money off you.
Donna, she deserves her cut.
She discovered a remarkable talent.
Donna, don't hate me
'cause I'm beautiful.
Jackie, I pity you
because you're dumb.
Administrative fees?
Publicity shots? Beauty packages?
It's a scam.
This is the most important thing that's ever
happened to me, and you're trying to ruin it.
- Look, Jackie, I'm sorry, but...
- And to think I was gonna make you my assistant.
Our nail care package is optional,
but if you're really serious...
Oh... Oh, I am. I am fully committed
to both fame and fortune.
You are going places.
That'll be another $200 then.
Excellent. Hi, I'm Michelle Ray.
- I know. I was just here.
- Of course you were.
I told you to stay in the car,
you dream killer.
Jackie, I'm here for you.
And, as a matter of fact...
I've decided to be a model too.
Oh, Donna, you're so funny!
Donna, you're gonna need $200 for publicity
costs. And then there's administrative fees.
- Wait, wait. You didn't even ask her to shake her hair.
- Oh, yeah. Shake your hair.
You are a remarkable talent.
Wait, wait, wait. What?
You think Donna here can be a model?
This is a scam.
How dare you
soil the pure and noble art of modeling?
I like your passion.
Have you ever considered acting?
Oh, my God. That's my dream.
- We're going.
- Oh.
And... time!
Let's watch Roots.
Oh, Red, I'm sleepy.
Can we watch it in the morning?
In the morning?
But I just taped it.
Well, I know, but I thought the whole point
was we can watch it whenever we want.
- But I just taped it.
- Fine. Let's watch it now.
Great. Now, I just punch "play,"
and, voil?... Roots.
Where's Roots, Red?
Oh, that's right.
I forgot to rewind the tape.
The tape.
This tape?
How do they get the movie
onto the tape...
when it's way the heck
over here, Red?
- It's complicated.
- Good night, Red.
Damn!
I should've got the microwave.
- Thanks for looking out for me.
- Sure.
And I've thought about it,
and you could be a model. Hmm.
Thanks, Jackie. That's nice.
You guys are in real trouble
if you did what we think you did.
- What do you think we did?
- What do you think we think you did?
What do you think
we think you think we did?
Something involving a foreign kid
in the back of a car.
- That much is for sure.
- And now we're gonna get some answers.
- What are you gonna do? Torture us?
- Yeah.
You gonna make us listen
to Anne Murray records?
Hey, she's a wonderful performer,
and you're not funny.
No. I think what we're gonna do
is call your parents.
Oh, Red is going to kill you.
I mean... obie deebie doobie.
No! We had to smuggle Fez.
It was the only way for him
to see this great country...
with its spacious skies
and fruited waves of... plain.
And... Oh, Canada
Our home and native land
- Nice try, kid.
- True patriot love
In all thy sons' command
- It's not gonna work.
- With glowing hearts
We see thee rise
the true north strong as...
From far and wide
Oh, Canada
we stand on guard for thee
God keep our land
Glorious and free
Oh, Canada
We stand on guard for thee
Oh, Canada
We stand on guard for thee
- You sure are good kids.
- Thanks, man.
You know, there must be
some way to put this all behind us.
Yeah, but there's not.
We'll give you our beer.
Oh, God bless you, son.
My green card.
I hid it in my right shoe
for safekeeping.
I even made up a rhyme
so I would remember.
My green card in my right shoe
Something, something right shoe
So, see, it was just
a big misunderstanding.
Thank God we got that cleared up.
We're just gonna
grab our beer and head on out of here.
Yeah. But you're not
gettin' your beer back.
Now... leave Canada, please.
- You leave Canada, please.
- Get...
Filthy hippie.
Guys, I have to admit something.
I love Anne Murray.
She puts me in the mood.
So, guys, next time,
instead of goin' to Canada...
let's just stay here
and pretend we're in Canada.
So, how's it goin', eh?
Hey, you know, if Fonzie
ever played a Mountie on Happy Days...
he could go, "Aay, eh?"