That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Best Christmas Ever - full transcript

Man, the Grinch has a big butt.

Yes. Nothing says Christmas
like a big, green Grinch ass.

Hold the ladder for me.

So, Eric, what are you doing
Christmas Eve?

My parents are having the same,
lame Christmas party...

they have every year. All the adults:

"Neighbor, is that mistletoe?"

All right, how does that look?

- It's great.
- Looks fabulous.

Guys, the ornaments are up here.

- Yeah.
- Looks great.



I just love Christmas.
It's all about good tidings and cheer.

And shopping.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what Jesus
was going for.

I give, too.

Every year, my friends and I
deliver gift baskets...

to the unfortunate.

I think you mean less fortunate.

Okay, whatever. Bums.

What are you guys doing
watching cartoons?

Holiday Inn is on.

Where the treetops glisten

La, la, la, listen

Eric, come on, help me get the decorations.

Sure, Mom.



You know what my favorite
Christmas gift of all time is?

Lite Brite.
It's fun making things with Lite Brite.

It is.

Man, my favorite gift is cash.

That way you can buy whatever
you want. Know what I mean, Donna?

Like, let's just say somebody gave you
$6 and some change, right?

You know, to buy a present.
What would you get?

Hyde, it doesn't matter
how much a gift costs...

as long as it's personal and sentimental.

You know what's both
personal and sentimental?

Diamonds.

We were going through
a box of Christmas decorations...

and we found the Christmas rat.

Hanging out

Down the street

The same old thing

We did last week

Not a thing to do

But talk to you

Whoa, yeah

Hello, Wisconsin!

So Laurie, seeing anyone special
at college?

I like to date around.

Slut!

Bless you.

Thanks, Mom.

Dad, instead of being
at your party this year...

I was thinking of throwing
a party in the basement.

I mean, I think I'm old enough.

Fine.

Fine?

Every year he just mopes around here
like it's the end of the world, anyway.

All right! Thanks, Dad.

So now who's going to sing
the high parts on...

The Little Drummer Boy?

Traditionally it's the man
who can't grow facial hair.

Dad, one more thing about the party.
I need some money.

All right, Eric.

I want you to pick out this year's tree.
And, whatever you don't spend...

you can use for your party.

You know how much
I hate haggling with those tree...

Haggling is part of being an adult.
Here's $40.

- I want $50.
- Knock it off!

Pick out a good one.

Okay, fine. Throw your party.

But can I at least make you
some punch and cookies?

- Mom, no.
- Just punch?

No, Mom.

You can't have a Christmas party
without punch.

That's just insanity!

Merry Christmas.

You know, Bob, I just want to thank
you again for the job, you know?

I always need extra help
during the holidays.

I feel like you're my
second-in-command around here.

So listen...

how about you close up for me
on Christmas Eve?

Why would we be open?

It's a big night, Red.

See, picture a guy driving
home from work on Christmas Eve.

Fa la la la la

Bob, nobody works on Christmas Eve.

All of a sudden,
he realizes he forgot to buy a gift!

Then he passes by the store here,
sees we're the only place open.

So what does he do?

He comes in here and buys a fridge.

So this guy's insane?

Not my place to judge.

- So what do you say?
- Fine.

I knew I could count on you, Red.

Of course, you'll have to wear
the Santa Claus suit.

You got me there, Bob.

No, I'm serious, Red.

No. You got me there, Bob.

Forman, man, would you relax?

This is a good plan.

We cut down the tree,
keep the $40 for beer.

Car.

Where?

Kelso, "car" means get down.

Okay, I'm done.

No, I disagree, Kelso.
See, if you were done...

the tree would probably be
more horizontal.

No, I mean I'm done.

Car!

All right, cut it yourself.

Fine, Kelso.

Do you believe him?

Hyde, did you have to write your name
in the snow...

so close to the tree?

Sorry.

Now we got $40 for beer.

You know what else we should do?
Not get any presents.

No presents.
That way, we got more money for beer.

Shut up!

Eric. This is the most beautiful tree
I think we have ever had.

And it's just... It's so fresh.

Mrs. Pinciotti?

Look, I was thinking about
getting a present for...

this girl. And...

you know, she's about Donna's age...

so I was kinda wondering
what Donna likes.

Perfume. Donna wears White Shoulders.

It's not just for shoulders,
you can wear it anywhere.

- Really?
- Sure. Like your neck, or the mall.

Wow!

All right. How much does a bottle
of that run?

About $12.

What about a bottle of crappy perfume?
What does that run?

Gosh, I don't know. I'll call Bob's mom.

You did not get this from a lot. You stole it.

I haggled.

With who? Smokey the Bear?

You stole it.

I mean, you're one to talk.
You're flunking out of college.

- How'd you know?
- I didn't.

Shut up!

- Shut up.
- You shut up!

You shut up!

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay, now be careful with this one.

- It's very, very old.
- It looks terrible.

Laurie, hang that one around
on the back side.

Okay, Grandma.

You know, Kitty,
you've got two red ones together.

So I do. Thank you, Bernice.

Eric, help me hang
these stupid ornaments.

I can't. I'm planning a party.

I don't get it.

How come the little drummer boy
gets to have a party?

Because I asked, you stupid sister.

That's not clever.

I don't have time to be clever.
I'm planning a party, Miss...

Dumb girl.

I'll get it.

Hi, is Michael here?

There's no Michael here.
You have the wrong address.

Michael, I want you to drive
me and my friends around...

on Christmas Eve.

Why?

To distribute gift baskets
to the less fortunate bums.

Okay, but we better be back
in time for the party.

Yes. Perhaps you lovely ladies
would like to join us?

I don't think so.

We are supposed to be helping
the less fortunate.

Okay.

Jackie, come here.

Why?

Just come here.

Hyde, if you want to make out with me,
the answer's probably no.

Yeah, okay. Look, Jackie...

I know this girl, right?

- And I want to get her a Christmas present.
- My God, it's Donna!

It's not Donna.

Okay, it's not Donna.

So how much do you have to spend?

- $6.
- You don't deserve a girl like Donna for $6.

- I'm not trying to get Donna.
- Good, 'cause you won't, for $6.

You know what?
Thanks a lot, never mind, bye-bye.

We will see you tomorrow, babes.

- May I ask you a question?
- Sure.

What the hell are you doing?

What?

Buying Donna a gift.
You know Eric likes her.

I know, man, but, you know,
they're not officially...

Still, in my country,
I would string you from the tallest tree.

We're not in your country, Fez.

Right. So good luck with Donna.

Remember, every day
is Christmas at Bargain Bob's!

We're back from the store.

Kitty, I made a few changes
on your grocery list.

I don't like your taste in dip.

No, Laurie.
No, that punch is for Eric's party.

Here, why don't you take this tonic
out to the bar?

Make sure we have enough rum and vodka.

All that rum and vodka.
Kitty, you have a problem.

- It's for the party, Bernice.
- That's convenient.

All I know is that...

my Red didn't start to drink
until he met you.

And I didn't start to drink until I met you.

Merry Christmas.

Okay, Bernice, here,
help me get more of the party supplies.

Merry Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum.

This should probably go here.

Mistletoe?

Yeah, it's really more for decoration.

- Is that a fact, neighbor?
- No.

Here, Eric,
where do we put the beer?

Put it in the ice chest.

Okay, now, here you go.
Punch and cookies, just like I promised.

- No, Mom! Mom!
- Eric, Mom made it for you.

The least you could do is drink a lot of it.

You know, you two...

you are just the best Christmas present
a mother could have.

Hello, Laurie.

Kelso.

So...

Cool.

Merry Christmas.

Punch.

- Yeah. Can I pour you some?
- No, thank you.

But if you would like...

you can bend over
and put my gifts under the tree.

Gifts? No, I thought we said no gifts.

No, Kelso, you said no gifts.

What's Christmas without gifts?

Yeah, man. Where's your heart?

Nobody tells me anything around here!

Now I gotta go get something
for Jackie. She'll kill me!

Cheer up. Have some punch.

I don't want any punch.
I gotta get a gift for Jackie.

Who I'm breaking up with.

Hi, Mr. Forman.

Kelso, what are you doing here?
It's Christmas Eve.

I know, I'm looking for a Christmas gift.

You know, you're the only place
in this whole town that's open.

Yeah, I know.

What can I get for $17?

We've got some really nice
heavy-duty extension cords.

No.

How much is that refrigerator?

Hello, ladies. So glad you could make it.

May I get you something to drink?
We have beer, you know.

- What else do you have?
- We have punch, but we also have beer.

Punch is fine.

Punch it is. Okay.

Would you like to chase down
that punch with a nice beer?

I am kicking your ass!

Good game, Mr. Forman.

You're leaving?
Come on, we'll play another game.

- No, Jackie's waiting for me. I really...
- One more game, come on.

You know who you remind me of?
Freddy Prinze.

No, Ricardo Mottleblonde.

You said, "mottleblonde."

No, I didn't.

Okay, shut up.

Okay, Fez...

I want you to say something,
like, really slow.

Hello, my darlings.

And when I say hello,
you know what I mean.

He was my friend first.

Man, what's going on with the pep squad?

Yeah, they seem extra stupid tonight.

Jackie, this is for you.

Michael, what is it?

It's hot rollers!

And with steam!

Mele kalikimaka
is the thing to say

On a bright Hawaiian Christmas day

Hiya, Red. How'd it go tonight?

I sold a set of hot rollers, Bob.

And a pong game.

I'll get it.

- May I help you?
- Ma'am, do you own...

the 1969 tan Oldsmobile
station wagon in the driveway?

No, I don't.

Do you know who does?

Yes, I do.

Could you get them, please?

Sure. Red!

Sir, we believe your vehicle was involved
in the unlawful removal of state property.

- What?
- We're gonna have to confiscate that tree.

The tree? No, I mean, it's all done.
I mean, look at it.

No!

I got you something. It's no big
deal. But, you know, Christmas.

Suddenly Hyde's getting bashful?

Oh, wow!

This is great.

- What is it?
- It's a picture of me and Hyde.

Yeah, it's me and you in fifth grade.

I've had it in my drawer forever,
so I just framed it.

That is so sweet.

Yeah, that is so sweet.

Look, why don't you open my present?

White Shoulders.

I love this stuff. Thank you.

You're welcome.

My God...

you can see my training bra
through my shirt.

Yeah, I remember that training bra.

I wish I'd...

- gotten you something like...
- Man. Dude, it's nothing.

- It's not nothing.
- This is so thoughtful.

It's the sweetest thing
anyone's ever given me.

Next to the perfume.

Right. I wrapped it myself.
I know how you like things...

wrapped.

Eric...

before you explain the beer...

maybe you can tell me why there are
two state troopers in the living room...

confiscating our Christmas tree?

That...

funny story, and a true story.
You're gonna laugh...

Get to the point!

We cut the tree off
the side of the interstate.

That's just great, Eric.

Now the party's over, you're grounded,
and I want what's left of my $40.

Kelso, give it to him.

Oh, no!

Yeah, I sort of spent it on Jackie's gift.

Michael, my hot rollers!

You got in trouble for me, Michael?

I love you, Michael!

God bless us, everyone!

And Hyde loves Donna.

She's crazy, man!

Eric, what the hell is going on here?

- Have these girls been drinking?
- No. Look, Dad, I swear. Just Mom's punch.

Lousy with hooch!

You see? You see, Red?
She's drunk, man. That's drunk talk.

False.

Come on, Jackie.
I'll take you and the "sob sisters" home.

Eric, the rest of that beer
goes in my refrigerator.

Donna, your father's upstairs.
I suggest you join him.

Steven, you help Eric clean up. And Kelso...

go home!

Eric, do something.
Your father's taking my women!

Thanks for the gifts, guys.

Merry Christmas.

So what'd you get?

ID Bracelet.
Cool.

- Is your name on it?
- Yeah. What'd you get?

- Tube socks.
- Good!

I mean, tube socks are good.

Thanks for working tonight.
Sorry it was a slow night.

- No problem.
- Merry Christmas, Red.

Merry Christmas, Bob.

Now give me a hug.

No, Bob. Really, I'm fine.

- It's the '70s. Men can hug.
- No, Bob, they can't.

Come on, it's Christmas.

Look, mistletoe.

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