That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 1, Episode 11 - Eric's Buddy - full transcript

All right, this is basically
all you need to know...

about Bohr's theory of atomic structure.

Cool, man. Thanks, I appreciate it.

Listen, you don't mind me being
your chemistry lab partner?

No. Why would I mind?

Just 'cause I, you know,
I tend to blow things up.

Whoa.

Buddy, what are you doing?

- Unlocking my car.
- No way.

This is your car?

- So, you're the guy I hate.
- Yeah, that would be me.



- Can I just...
- Yeah, man.

I'm so glad you're my lab partner.

I could take you for a ride if you want.

No way. Let's go!

Hey, don't do that.

I'm kidding.

Here you go, Red. Your very first paycheck.

Thanks, Bob.
You know, I really appreciate the job.

Yeah, I just wish you had
a commission check in there.

Well, I haven't sold a damn thing.

Yet. But if I paid people
for almost selling something...

you'd be rich.

But I don't. So you're not.

But, hey, today is your day.



Hi. May I help you?

Yes. I'd like to buy a refrigerator.

What kind of refrigerator
would you like?

I don't know.

Okay. What kind of features
are you looking for?

I'd like it to be cold.

Yeah.

How many cubic feet of food
does your family consume in a week?

Gee, I don't know.

- I do know I like Harvest Gold.
- See, now there's your first mistake.

Now, color is the last thing
that you want to consider.

You see, I can't sell you something
if you don't know what you really want.

Yes.

It was wrong of me to walk in here,
ready to write a check.

But thanks.

Hanging out

Down the street

The same old thing

We did last week

Not a thing to do

But talk to you

Whoa, yeah

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hey!

Where the hell is Forman, man?
This isn't like him.

I'm really starting to get worried.
What if something happened to him?

Nothing happened to him.

What if he's lost or hurt somewhere?

Calm down, Lassie,
I'm sure Timmy's just fine.

Maybe we should check the school morgue.

Kelso, the school doesn't have a morgue.

Then what do we pay all those taxes for?

You know what kills me?
You do better in school than I do.

- I'm worried, man.
- Okay, fine. Let's just be logical, right?

Forman's not gonna just ditch us.

The Cruiser's battery
is probably dead or something.

You know what? It's starting to get late.
Maybe we should just start walking?

No. I'm not walking.

If God wanted us to walk,
he wouldn't have given us Forman.

Oh, my God. That's Buddy Morgan.

Man, I had such a crush
on him in seventh grade.

He is driving the fiery chariot
of the sun god.

He's with Eric?

This is a serious clique breach.

A serious clique breach?
That's the worst kind.

You see, Buddy is in the rich kid clique.

They mingle with the jock clique.

Then you have your smokers
and your heads. Okay?

Rich kids can be smokers,
and jocks can be heads...

but jocks cannot be smokers,
unless they're rich.

What about Larry Mosely?
He's a rich, jock, smoker, head.

Okay, now you're just being difficult.

Hey, guys.
Buddy, you know everyone. Right?

Hi. No, I don't think we've actually met.

No, I am Fez.
Hi.

My gosh, Buddy, with a car like that,
you must be knee deep in whores.

Okay, let's head back to my house.

Now, Red, you know
working as a salesman...

is different from working at a plant.

You need time to adjust.

You need to use your people skills.

Kitty, I don't have any people skills.

Okay, come on, now.

Come on. Buck up.

You can do this. All you have to do is smile.

That is the most important
people skill of all.

So come on. Let me see it. Come on.

Okay, you just keep on smiling.

They're finally getting off the island.

No, Fez, they're not getting off the island.

But they have a coconut radio.
What could go wrong?

Oh, Jilligan.

There you guys are.
Where have you been?

Where have we... Where have you been?

We've been worried sick about you.

We had to walk all the way here, man.
My feet are killing me.

Are your fingers broken?
You can't use a phone?

Do you know it's freezing outside?

And I'm wearing my uncle's boots,
so now I've a blister.

Shaggy, Scooby, we've got company.

Buddy Morgan. Yeah, I know you.

Yeah, I guess it's my fault.
I gave Eric a ride home.

- So...
- Get out of my chair!

Okay.

I really have to be going anyway.
So your car is still at school?

Yeah, you're damn right it is.

- I could drop you off if you want.
- Yeah, sure.

Guys, I'm real sorry I forgot about you.

Did you want to drive?
Hell, yeah!

I call backseat.

Did you see that? He just ditched us again.

Do you even know how difficult it is
to clique jump?

Eric has achieved something very special,
and you're both ruining it for him.

Who cares?

I'm tired and I never want to walk
anywhere again.

Michael, walk me home.
Okay.

Okay, what's your problem with Buddy?
I mean, he seems nice enough.

Screw him, man.

I mean, he's got the money,
the car, the family.

The teachers like him,
the counselors like him.

Everybody likes him. I hate him.

Hyde, don't you think
you're overreacting just a little bit?

Donna, let me tell you something, okay?

When high school's over, Buddy
Morgan's going to a great college.

You know where I'm gonna be?
Sitting right here in my uncle's boots.

At least you've got great friends.

And I'll always be your friend.

Thanks, Donna.

That was sympathy, Hyde.

Not an opening for you
to put your hand on my knee.

Sorry.

Move your hand.

Now, ma'am, I'm a friendly guy...

and I want to help you.

But if you don't know
how many amps you need...

there's nothing I can do for you.
Think, lady.

Wait. Bob!

Hi, there, I'm Bargain Bob.

I see you're looking at blenders.

Now this one here, all wrong for you.

I'd say it's between these two...

but this one, visualize
yourself blending with this one.

Oh, yeah.

Okay! Just take that over to our cashier
and have a beautiful day.

- Number 10, your order is ready.
- Yeah, I'll be right there.

Number 10. I have limited counter space.

Please remove your hot dog.

All right.

I don't see why you can't just
serve us our food, Frank.

We are paying customers, you know.

I did not lose a leg in Vietnam, so
that I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.

You've both your legs, Frank.

Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, man, where's Forman?

I don't know. He's not with me.

That damn Buddy again.

You know he only hangs out with
Buddy 'cause he's got a Trans Am.

So, you guys only hang out with Eric...

'cause of the Vista Cruiser
and the basement.

We've been friends with Forman
since he was a kid, man.

- Way before he had any of that stuff.
- That's right.

Remember when he used to have
that tree house and the go-kart?

Hey, you.

Buy something or get out.
I've got a big wedding coming in.

Frank, you don't have
a big wedding coming in.

Did I say wedding?

Because I meant to say,
"buy something or get out."

Fine. I'll go some place else, then.

Come on, let's go.

I'm not going anywhere.
I just bought a hot dog.

I'm outta here.

Hello, welcome to the Hub. May I help you?

That was a great movie.

Yeah. I mean, who would have thought...

working at a car wash
could be so much fun?

- So what do you wanna do now?
- I don't know.

Oh, God!

What?

Nothing. I forgot to call Donna.

Donna.

- So she's like your girlfriend?
- I don't know.

I don't know.

You know, it's okay to be confused, Eric.

Yeah, you know, sometimes I feel like...

I don't know, like we're in a movie, right?

And I'm nervous around her...

and I feel like I'm playing this part, right?

But it's not me.

Whoa!

What?

You're gay!

Me? No, I'm not gay.

You're not?

But you just kissed me.

Okay, I'm gay.

Can you take me home now?

And just because
Johnny's a boy...

don't think that appearance and
physique aren't important to him, too.

Johnny and Janey both need reassurance...

that they are accepted
and respected for what they are.

- Look, I'm not gay.
- Yeah.

- Are you sure?
- Yes!

- 'Cause I just thought that...
- Why would you think that?

'Cause we've been spending
so much time together.

Because we're friends.

I've been friends with Hyde for years,
and I've never put the moves on him.

Who could blame you?
That guy's such a jerk.

Yeah, but that's not the reason.
It's because I'm not gay.

Right.

- I'm sorry for kissing you.
- That's okay. I mean, it's...

Let's just forget about it.

- Do you wanna listen to the radio?
- Look, I told you I wasn't gay.

I'm dead weight. I'm quitting, Kitty.

Now, you can't quit.

Why not?

Because if things keep going like this,
Bob's going to fire you.

It's a joke, Red.

I know! Let's do some role-playing.

What?

Some role-playing.

I'll be the interested customer
and you be the helpful salesman.

Does this end up in the bedroom?

We'll see.

Okay, here we go.

My, that's a lovely blender.

This is stupid.
Red.

It's got stainless steel rotor blades
so it can crush ice...

which is why I keep it out here at the bar.

And it has the highest wattage
that you can get...

without moving up to the industrial
model which would cost you twice as much.

Now, see, we have had this blender
all these years...

and I never knew that's why we bought it.

You didn't know that?
How could you not know that?

Red, everybody doesn't research
every product before they buy it.

Then they're dumbasses.

That's right. And that's why they
need you to tell them what to buy.

I think you are just tailor-made for this job.

Heck, I go in to buy something,
all I know is what color I want.

You're one of them.

I think you should be nice to me, Red.

Because I think I might be interested
in purchasing a mattress.

Kitty, we don't even sell...

I miss Eric.

You still have me.

It's not the same, Jackie.

I can talk to Eric about things that
I can't talk about with you.

Okay, like what?

For instance, the annoying things
that you do.

Michael!

See? I can't talk to you.

Hey, Eric, how's it...

So, what is everyone looking at?

What are we looking at, man?
We haven't seen you in days.

What, Hyde? You had to walk
all the way home from school again?

That's not the only reason
we're upset with you.

That's my only reason.

- I thought you had another reason.
- No, that's pretty much it.

Where's Buddy?

Buddy?

Buddy got...

busy.

Yeah, I mean, I'm sure he has
a lot to do. He is popular.

Yes, and so obviously gay.

Buddy is not gay!

Please, Fez. That's just stupid.

If Buddy was gay,
he would have been all over me.

He would've.

See you guys later.

So, Forman.
Now that the scary kids are gone...

is Buddy gay?

- I don't think it's really my place to...
- He's gay.

Okay, guys, hypothetical situation,
crazy scenario...

wouldn't happen in like a million years.

Let's just... Let's say, okay.

That Buddy made a move on me.

Eric, he's not gonna make a move
on you if he knows you're straight.

I don't know.
I mean, Forman is pretty irresistible.

I don't think
he'll make a move on me again.

Again?

Or for the first time. You know...

I gotta go.

You know, Donna...

if Forman ever decides to dabble in
the love that dare not speak its name...

I'm here for you.

You got your variable speed here. It's
completely stainless steel throughout.

So you know it'll last forever.
Comes with everything you see.

And so, the only decision
you'd have to make...

is what color you want.

- I'll take white.
- Can't go wrong there.

Thank you so much.

You know you're the most
helpful salesman I've ever had.

Thank you.

You go ahead and look around.
I'll write this up.

I sold a Mix Master.

Jeez, Red, that's great.
What did I tell you? Today is your day.

Hello, Kitty...

guess who sold a Mix Master?

Hey, Buddy.

I'm gonna need
those chemistry notes back.

Yeah.

Listen, man, if you don't want to be
my lab partner anymore...

then I'll understand.

No. I didn't mean it like that.

Look, we're still friends.

Really?

Yeah.

Actually, Buddy...

I wanted to ask why...

me?

I don't know, man. You know...

it's probably the same reason
that Donna likes you.

You know, you're smart and sensitive...

and nice-looking.

Okay, first of all, I'm not really that smart.

Those notes I gave you, copied.

Okay, and as for sensitive, sometimes
I can just be downright mean.

You are so cute.

Well, that is...

I guess I am.

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