Testees (2008): Season 1, Episode 9 - Jelly Bean Omelettes - full transcript

Didn't we already do
muscle relaxers?

No, those were sphincter relaxers.

Right, I remember.

God! That was the worst.
We had to get our carpets removed.

Sometimes, on a hot day,
I can still smell it in the wood.

I don't know
about these muscle relaxers,

I mean,
my muscles are already pretty relaxed.

I don't know,
I slept weird last night,

I've got a bit of a sore neck...

Careful.

Well, down the hatch.



Feel anything?

The Bankable Teens proudly presents

Testees 109 - Jelly Bean Omelettes

This is the most extreme reaction
to the muscle relaxers I've seen.

Is he okay?

He seems to be suffering
from locked in syndrome.

Every muscle in is body
is paralyzed.

Except his eyes and eye ledges.

He's drooling.
He is brain-dead or just retarded?

No, he hasn't lost
his cognitive functions,

he's fully aware and can hear us.
Isn't that right, Mr. Cooper?

Jesus, I can't move,
this is a nightmare, I can't move.

How are you, buddy?

It would be easier
if you ask yes or no questions.



- Alright.
- Blink once for "yes".

Once for "yes", fine.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm peachy keen, you idiot.

If you and Mr. Cooper
got the same dosage,

yet you show no symptoms
and he seems to have overdosed.

Ron, you bastard.

Yeah, it's very strange.

But...

Pete's always been very intolerant
to muscle relaxants and...

stuff like that.

Bullshit, you gave me your dose.

He looks peaceful,
almost like he's enjoying it.

If I could move, I'd kill you.

So, what do I do, I just leave him here
and you guys call me when he's better?

We have no facilities here to take care
of him. You need to take him home.

No, no please, please,
I need medical attention.

How long do you think
he'll be like this for?

I have no idea.

{\If you need }To communicate with him,
go through the letters of the alphabet.

Let him blink on each letter
until he spells out a word.

Smart.

Don't worry, Petey,
I'm going to take good care of you.

Oh Jesus, I am in big trouble here.

I don't know who invented pizza,

but whoever it is deserves a Nobel Prize
because it is unbelievable.

That smells so good.

Is that your stomach growling?
You've got to be hungry.

Yeah, no kidding, you dumb shit,
I'm starving.

- Are you hungry?
- Yes.

One blink, wait, what is that "no"?

No, it's "yes".

- So one blink is "no"?
- No.

I'm confused, Pete,
I can't remember which is which.

- You've got to be hungry.
- Thank God.

Here you go.

You're not really going to stick that
in my mouth? Okay, Ron.

Eat. You're just drooling on it.

I can't chew it, moron.

Okay, come on, you can do it,
come on big boy, just chew.

And down,
that's it, get it in there.

No, you don't want pizza?

What do you want?
We'll use the alphabet.

Good, I can tell you
what an idiot you are.

I will say a letter
and then you blink

when you want that letter
and we'll spell out what you want.

Okay, what do I want?

Soup, I can eat soup.

C...

- D...
- Go faster, I can't keep my eyes open.

E...

F...

G...

H...

I...

J... J?

No, I just blinked by accident,
shit now what?

Something I can eat
that starts with a J.

Juice, I can...
I can drink juice, I guess.

C...

D...

E... E?

Okay, this is working.

No it's not, I keep blinking
because I can't keep my eyes open.

Fine, J... E... I'll have Jell-o.

Here you go, buddy,
one jelly bean omelette.

I wanted soup.

Come on, you've got to eat.

Guess I can't eat
your jelly bean omelette.

Good, you eat it,

candy and eggs together at last.

Now, what's he doing?

Ron, what are you doing?
Do not... do not spit in me.

I'm not here,

I'm with mommy.

Okay, let's get you cleaned up.

Just because
you're a vegetable retard,

doesn't mean
you can't have fresh breath, right?

Ron, that's the toothbrush
we use to clean the toilet.

Okay, open up and say "Ah".

I'm just kidding,
I know, you can't move.

Side to side, side to side.

Something smells like
jelly bean omelettes.

Do not put that
in my mouth, Ron... Ron!

- You got to go pee-pee?
- I do not need to go pee-pee.

Come on, big boy.

I'm good, Ron, just put me down.

Let's get this night over with.

This is a new low.

False alarm.

Will you at least
pull my pants back up?

Next time, don't blink like you've got
to pee. Unless you've really got to.

I won again, Pete,

looks like you owe
me another five bucks.

Peter Cooper,
this is your best friend.

Hey, you guys want to buy some art?

What? No, where did you get that?

Dumpster, some old guy kicked it

so I knew there'd be some good shit
in there this week.

Someone dies
and you just swoop down like a vulture

- and pick away at their {\meaningless }belongings?
- It's a good system.

You read the obids,
go to the funeral,

you follow them back
to the dead guy's place, wait til dark,

you hit the dumpster, dump it{\ all over the street},

you take the good shit
and you go home.

- Why are you telling me this?
- I got a backgammon set.

Great, you can retire,
you've got a backgammon set.

What's up with him?

He's a drooling vegetable now
and I've got to take care of him.

Drooling vegetable?

If I could just stay in the couch,
Jesus.

Nugget, you smell like a dumpster,
keep away from me please.

Hey buddy, how's it going?

Yeah, I'm not a retard,
I just can't move.

Oh Jesus, get your dumpster fingers
out of my mouth you pig.

You sme... Oh God, pull that in.

Do not... Oh God.

You really must be paralyzed because
the other Peter would be freaking.

Jesus.

- This is torture.
- He can't do anything?

I don't know.

Guess not.

Wow, no pain?

Black blobs on each side
like an 18th century medallions.

Memorializing the great dead
of the past.

- Hold on...
- How much is that?

What do you think?

That's horrible.

What's it worth?

Nobody would buy that,

unless it was painted
by a serial killer, it's worthless.

I'm so sorry my dear, to interrupt.

What if I told you
it was painted by a quadriplegic?

Let me call you back.

It was?

Oh yeah, but clearly
you're not interested.

Wait, wait...

A quadriplegic,

seen in that light,
well, it is really quite...

haunting.

My apologies,
I thought you were the artist.

A drooling quad.

Only able to express his inner
most emotions through his art.

- Are there any more?
- Oh yeah, tons.

The emotional value is priceless.

Emotional value, whatever,
but if we had to put a price on it{\what are we talking about}?

Do you think you can just come in here
on a Friday and sell them?

We have to do this right.

Mind you, there's nothing wrong
with having a small showing

for a group of friends
and colleagues?

Giving them a sneak peak.

Get a buzz going.

They could sell.

Here you go, isn't this nice?

- This isn't so bad.
- You can still enjoy the view.

What view? The curtains are closed.

- Favourite music.
- Please, let it be the best of Mozart.

Figured you're probably sick of all
my blabbing and hanging around so,

thought I'd give you some alone time,
you deserve it.

Well, that's very lovely, Ron.

Ron, what is this?

Ron, this music is skipping.

- What's wrong? You want it louder?
- What's wrong?

The CD is scratched, Ron, just...
just turn it off.

It's skipping, Ron,
the CD is scratched.

- You want it louder still?
- Do not make that louder.

You really want to rock out?

- Let's crank this baby on full.
- God damn it, Ron, you idiot.

Just relax and enjoy.

Please, kill me, God.

This is really hot
so this should warm you up.

Okay, are you still cold now?

I never said I was cold.

This must be a side effect
from the muscle relaxants,

because I'm hot as hell
in a t-shirt in here.

Me too, jerk-off.

I've got an idea,
don't you worry, Pete.

This ought to be a doozy.

Where's he taking me?

- What do you think, bake or broil?
- The oven?

Let's bake you at 500 degrees.

Alright.

It's nice and toasty warm.

I've got a confession to make.

- What, that you're a total dick?
- Funny story,

I didn't want those relaxants

and so I put my dose in your cup.

One could say...

kind of that I'm partially responsible
for all of this.

Pete, what are you trying to say?
You forgive me?

I will never forgive you.

Thanks Pete,
you're such a good listener,

a good friend.

I still feel like I've got to make
this up to you some how.

Why don't we have
a special Pete day, today?

Anything you want to do,
you name it, anything.

My nose is itchy.

Right now, the only thing
I want to do is scratch my nose.

I, J, K, L, M, N?

N? Is that right?

Yes, it's a miracle,
come on, Ron, nose.

I'm going to explode
if I don't get it scratched.

N... nickels, nitrogen,

Nigeria, nieces... nieces.

You want to spend
time with your nieces.

Will that cheer you up,
spending some time with your family?

No, no, God damn you,
no family, keep doing the alphabet.

Those kids will cheer anybody up.

Scratch my nose.

It's ringing.

Get off me you brats... Ron.

- Kids having fun in there?
- Ron!

Play nice with uncle Petey, okay?

Uncle Pete is drooling.

Come on, Pete, that's disgusting.

- Gross... That's it, I can't handle it.
- What was I...

It's too much. I'm calling Testico
to come and get somebody.

Ron, do not leave me with them.

Let me tell you a story
about a man...

a good man,

a quadriplegic man,

who grew up poor
in wartorn Yugoslavia.

Little Gustav helped often help
deliver ammunition to the front line

until one day,

a snipers bullet found his spine,

and little Gustav
lost the use of his arms

and legs.

So ladies and gentlemen,
without further ado I present to you

the works of my hero...

Gustav Nedic.

Yeah, cripple arts the hugest thing
in Berlin, right now.

You can quote me on that.

Yeah, I'm good, I'm good.

This is better
than I could ever have dreamed.

People are very excited,
all that's left is to meet Gustav.

- Gustav?
- The artist.

To be honest,

some of these pieces
are not exactly inspiring,

but with his history,

it might surprise you to know,
but some collectors are more taken

with artists stories
than with their works.

So, we must absolutely have him in,

- is that a problem?
- No, no, not at all.

No big deal.

Good.

Thank you and please hurry.

Good news, they're sending
a nurse over to take care of you

and they might have an antidote, so,

hang in there.

Finally,
I might survive this after all.

I know, it must be a little weird
having someone else take over,

but I think this is for the better.

No shit! Dr. Kevorkian
would do a better job.

Alright, well I'll be in my room
if you need me.

Good, go,
stay in there, leave me alone.

When is this going to wear off?

Who's this?

That must be the nurse, already? No.

Oh Jesus, it's the fat man.

What do you want?

Not to worry pal,

we'll get you all fixed up.

Leave me here Nugget, I have a nurse
coming over to take care of me.

Just... do not take
me out of this apartment.

Oh, Nugget took him for a walk.

Ladies and gentlemen, the moment
you've all been waiting for...

- Gustav Nedic.
- Gustav Nedic?

Who the hell is Gustav Nedic?

Oh this... this is bad.

This is really, really bad.

Mr. Nedic, it is an honour
to meet you.

Get me the hell out of here.

Could we get a few pictures?

Sure, knock yourselves out.

Just get this here.

Wait... he can't move his head.

No, he's completely fried,
isn't it amazing?

Well, how does he paint?

Paint?

I help him.

- Really?
- Yeah, 'cause he can't move.

So, when I move him

and he directs me through a series
of intricate blinking techniques.

Amazing.

Can we see it?

He's... look at him, he's...

he's knackered
and he's had a long day.

A demonstration is really mandatory.

Nugget, what did you get me into?

Wake up, wake up.

It must be awful
not being able to move a muscle.

Blink if you want me to bathe you.

Come on, little Gustav,
we're going to do some painting.

You're like a bear with that....

So, what colour would you like
to use little Gustav?

Can't breathe,

- put me down.
- Red... he blinks.

That means red.

- What would you like to paint?{\ A circle?}
- I am going to kill you.

What do you want? A goat.
He wants to draw a goat.

- Perfect.
- Folks, I have nothing to do with this.

I... I don't want to paint, put me down,
I can't breathe for Christ sake.

Good job, Gustav,
it's more of a tree.

Get it out of my throat,
I'm going to puke.{\- It could be a goat.}

No goats, just put me down.

Very impressionistic.
It's the war does that to people.

- Put me down, now.
- His hand...

hand is in the paint, but sometimes
this works too right, yeah, just....

- this kind of stuff.
- Loosen your grip will you.

Don't these people
see what's happening?

So, there you go.

He's really experimenting
with new...

dimensions in his work,

- as you can see.
- I'm going to die.

- That's got to be worth a couple thou'?
- Get out.

{\It's obvious }You didn't paint any of these,
you're a fraud, I'm calling the police.

Get back here, Nugget.

This is the life.

Mamma!

Peter doesn't know
what he's missing.

A little lower, gentle...

There's one part of me
that's not paralyzed.

This antidote will help
speed up your recovery.

It's a new muscle stimulant.

So, there's still no sign of Nugget.

I guess he's lucky the curator
decided not to press charges.

Right, Ron?

When you think about it,

I was only paralyzed for a few days,

which is really nothing
compared to the 6 weeks

that you'll be in a full body cast.

Are you hungry?

Now, I can't remember,

does one blink mean "yes" or "no"?

It's so confusing.

Well anyway, I made your favourite,

a jelly bean omelette.