Testees (2008): Season 1, Episode 7 - Kicking the Bucket List - full transcript
It isn't until Ron and Peter face their deaths that they realize they've never really lived.
Pete, I think I know
what they injected us with:
invisibility potion.
I can see you.
That's cause you're invisible too.
Invisible people can see each other.
Are those the invisibility rules?
Think about it. They wouldn't tell us
what they injected us with and
then they left us
in this empty observation room.
I think they pumped you
full of retard juice.
Hello gentlemen.
Hi doc, can you see us?
You're not invisible.
We have some bad news
to tell you two.
Great, don't tell me
we lost our parking spot.
There was a mix-up
with the experiment.
A mix-up?
We accidentally injected you
with a deadly poison.
Is that bad?
No Ron, I'm sure
it's the good kind of deadly poison.
It's a new biological weapon
the military is developing
called R500.
Now we meant
to inject you with the R400...
which is an antiperspirant.
Instead the mice got your injection
and you got theirs.
A biological weapon?
What does it do?
It attacks all the major organs
causing them
the hemorrhage simultaneously.
I'm a little confused.
You injected us with
a biological weapon.
And you'll just study how it works
before giving us the antidote.
It's a derivative of cyanide.
There's no antidote.
No antidote.
Wait a minute, if you poisoned us
with a deadly super weapon
that attacks all our organs,
we would...
die.
- You will die.
- We are really sorry,
but you'll be entitle
to our benefit package
and your families will be compensated
for their loss.
I see.
How long do we have?
The dose we gave you'll be fatal
in exactly 24 hours.
24 hours.
We're going to be dead in 24 h.
We're sorry.
I'm on lunch.
You guys can't...
- legally kill us.
- Of course not,
we'd sue the hell out of you.
You'll never get away with it.
Look I understand you're upset,
but you can't sue us.
You signed a 1400 page waiver.
Testico is totally protected.
Here it is. Subjects hereby waive
their right to hold Testico responsible
for their accidental death.
- Why would we sign that?
- It's all in here Ron, we signed it.
- We put our initials beside the clause.
- You even drew a smiley face.
I was happy.
I just got a job.
Guys, I heard what happened.
- I'm really sorry.
- Thanks Lar.
You know...
I was scheduled to do
that experiment.
Really? Why didn't you?
Traffic crazy... anyways,
if there's anything I can do.
Just...
We'll be sure to do that Larry.
Hello?
Need you to spell check my will.
You have a will?
You have to be prepared.
I Ron Mitchell being of
sound mind hereby declare
I would like to be cremated
and to have my ashes sprinkled
on two really hot naked lesbians
having sex with each other
in a jacuzzi.
Amen.
This isn't a will,
it's a morbid letter to Penthouse.
What lesbians are going to agree
to have your ashes sprinkled on them
while they have sex in a jacuzzi.
They don't have to know about it.
Someone could just sneak up and
dump the ashes in the hot tub
with lesbos in it.
This is insane.
We're just sitting here
wasting our final hours.
We need to do something.
Something big.
What?
There is one thing that
I've regretted not doing for years.
Okay, anything, you name it.
What?
I've never seen
the platinum series special
extended version of
the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
Come on, really?
That thing is over ten hours long.
It will take half our
lives to watch that.
- And we've already seen...
- Not the director's cut.
Hello?
Don't worry, I'm here to help.
You're a fire fighter?
- A cop?
- I'm whatever you want me to be.
You're an electrician.
Let's just say I know
a little something about sparks.
- Is someone coming to get us?
- I have no idea.
What did you mean when you said
you were here to help?
Help make you feel comfortable
while you wait muffin.
Wait,
are you saying you dropped
all the way down the elevator shaft
just to hit on me?
Guilty.
Champagne?
Four hours gone.
I know.
Let's pop in number 2.
This is ridiculous.
We've got hours to live
and this is how we're spending them,
watching movies
and writing erotic snuff fantasies?
- It's how we spend every day.
- That's the point, Ron.
This isn't just any day,
this is our last day.
- What are you doing?
- I'm having my last meal.
Come on you're allergic, peanuts?
That could kill you.
Well "whoop-di-doo".
- I'm not letting you do it.
- Give it up.
Stop it!
It's good.
I don't feel anything.
No allergic reaction.
I should be feeling it in my eyes,
- my nose, my throat, my lungs.
- Maybe you were misdiagnosed.
Misdiagnosed?
I've gone my whole life
without eating peanut.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is
to avoid eating peanuts? Ron?
Every time I have to say:
"Are there peanuts in that?
I'm allergic to peanuts".
All the birthday parties
I couldn't go to.
- I remember.
- And it's not just peanuts,
there's cross contamination.
You can't even eat
anything that might...
have come into contact
with peanuts, like...
ice cream, candy, even chocolate.
Imagine...
being a child, terrified of chocolate
because if you eat it...
you might die.
The Halloweens
I spent locked in my room
sitting at that window
dressed as Batman...
I get it.
Watching other children gorge
on buckets of free candy.
The chimes of an ice cream truck
would send shivers down my spine.
I've been afraid
of them my whole life.
And for what?
For what, don't you get it?
We don't have to be afraid
of anything amore.
We're invincible.
It doesn't matter if we screw up,
we're free.
- For the first time in our life...
- We're free.
We're free.
That is good.
Enough with the peanuts.
This is it,
all the things we wanted to do.
I don't know, I mean some of these
are pretty extreme.
That's the point.
Besides, they're not that wild.
Now,
where do we find a blow torch?
And some cheerleaders.
I didn't want to tell you this,
but right before I got in the elevator
I saw a flash in the distance
of what looked to be a mushroom cloud.
Right.
We could be the last of our species.
It's your duty to help me
repopulate the elevator
and one day the world.
You don't understand.
I get it,
you're playing hard to nail.
I am part of an experiment.
Trust me I've seen it all,
even if you are a dude,
it's only gay if our wangs touch.
I was on my way upstairs
to test a new PMS pill.
But in order to test it
they had to give me super strong PMS.
Do you understand what
I'm saying to you?
I am not in control of my emotions.
What a shock. A woman is not in control
of her emotions. I can handle it.
Here it is, our old alma mater.
It hasn't changed a bit.
You remember our old cheer
"Jackson High Squirrels",
"we are nuts." So lame.
Heather Fraser's old locker.
It still smells like her.
Come on, remember
how terrible life was here.
- They called you pubert.
- I didn't know that.
All the cool kids vandalized
this place except for us.
You're right.
We were such losers.
Well not anymore.
- Come on, let's trash this place.
- Damn right.
Cool.
Who's the faggot now coach?
How's my grammar now Mrs. Berkshaw!
I have always wanted to pull the fire
alarm, but I've been too chicken.
Duck, when you pull it,
you get blue ink in your face.
There's no blue ink Peter,
that's just an urban myth to scare kids.
All right, let's get out of here.
We did it!
See now everyone at Jackson High
will know who we are.
Hey look, they changed the name,
it's not Jackson high anymore.
St. Hubert's school for the physically
and mentally disabled.
Man, we just totally trashed
a special needs school.
Still, we did it.
Let's just move on. What's next?
You have a little fight in you.
I am so sorry I attacked you.
I don't know what's gotten into me.
It's the PMS.
It's the goddamn mood swings.
I am normally not a violet person.
I think I know what might
soothe this savage beast.
If you want to live
stop coming on to me.
It's your turn.
All right,
I've always dreamed of stealing
a really nice car.
Like a Ferrari.
The rush of stealing the car combines
with the thrill of driving
a world class automobile.
It's not quite the same thing, is it?
Look we couldn't find a Ferrari.
- Besides this gets great mileage.
- That's not the point.
We're still stealing a car and
we're still going to drive off
in that sunset.
Now we're just going
to drive a little further.
Because of the great mileage.
Use your imagination.
Seriously, let's just do this thing.
- Wait, doors open.
- Good,
though maybe I should still smash
the window.
Why, you're just get glass
everywhere.
You're right.
Shit!
Hang on, Ronnie.
Come on.
They've got the new Mellancamp.
Is something wrong?
These cramps are ridiculous.
Poor thing.
Back rub?
I'm going to let you up
and you're going to shut up
and if you don't,
I'm going to end you.
- You have got to be kidding me.
- What can I say?
Don't rattle the basket
if you don't want to play
with the snake.
What's going on?
I used to play here a child.
It's beautiful.
I'm dying.
You know you've used this whole
"I'm gonna die" line
to try and get in my pants twice.
This time its true, I've been injected
with a deadly biological weapon.
That's hot.
Now I really want to sleep with you.
Listen, I've always wanted
to say this, but was too shy.
Now that I'm dying
it doesn't matter.
Kate, I love you.
What's that taste?
Peanuts maybe, you want one?
I'm allergic to peanuts you idiot!
That didn't go very well.
Our next...
Why won't you get soft?
I can see your panties.
You sure about this?
Absolutely.
You're right, we have
nothing to fear.
Nana's been sick for two years now,
she's not getting any better.
I can't believe,
I haven't done this until now.
Goodbye Nana.
See you soon.
We heard that she was smiling.
Come on let's go.
- What's next on the list.
- I want to get in a fight.
Hello ladies.
Excuse me?
We don't have a lot of time here
so let's cut to the chase.
I think you're gay.
All of you,
especially you.
You're dirty, sweaty men who hang out
with other dirty sweaty men all day
because the only thing
you like more than a tight gasket...
is a tight ass.
You massive homos...
You're going down.
You're the ones
who are going down on each other
because you're so gay.
I'm going to rip your heads off
and shove them up your asses.
Pete, can I talk to
you for a second?
What?
There's four of them and
they're way bigger than us.
You said you wanted a fight.
I wanted to win a fight, I don't want
to just get my ass kicked.
All right, let me handle this.
Listen fellas,
You have a lot of work to do and
we don't want to get blood
all over your fancy garage.
Let's say we meet tonight
in that parking lot at 6:00.
6:00 won't be...
That is if you chicks have
the balls to face us.
Tonight at 6:00 when
you're done your work.
Bring some friends, lots of them.
Make it a fair fight.
Tonight!
- Nice.
- That was good.
Of course now we don't get to fight.
I kind of want to go out
with a big bang.
Which brings me
to the last thing on our list...
Testico.
Here's the plan: you get the fertilizer,
I'll get the diesel.
We load up the car and
we park it right here,
by the back near the main generator.
We'll blow those Testico
bastards sky high.
- That'll teach them to kill us.
- We have less than an hour.
Let's roll.
Ready?
One, two, three...
Two minutes.
- This is it, Ron, show time.
- You mean blow time.
Nobody tells Peter Cooper
and Ron Mitchell when to die.
That's right. We'll choose
our own time to die.
Even if it is just seconds before
the time they told us to die.
You ready?
I was born ready.
That's twice you've said
something mega cool.
- When was the other time?
- You said blow time.
Then you said let's roll.
That's 3 cool things you've said.
That is cool.
You say something cool.
I got it...
Jackson High Squirrels.
We are nuts.
It's not working.
What went wrong?
It's going to go, wait for it.
It's not going to go.
I don't know why, we got
fertilizer and diesel.
Actually, diesel is so expensive,
I just went with regular unleaded.
Does it matter?
Obviously yes Ron.
Are we in heaven?
Looks like Testico.
- Must be hell.
- You're not dead.
It's past 6:00,
we should have died hours ago.
Gentlemen, we lied.
You were never going to die.
We injected you
with a green colored saline.
Saline?
You bastards!
- What's saline?
- It's a harmless salt based fluid.
Why?
The real experiment was to study
how people react
when they have 24 hours to live.
For what purpose?
In case they were able to predict
a major event,
like a tidal wave or an asteroid.
They want to know how
people would behave.
That's sick.
I hate you people.
We observed you two
for the past 24 hours.
You really lived the top.
I mean, by your standards.
Hopefully in the event of
a global catastrophe.
The entire population doesn't react
the way that you did.
I don't understand. If we're not sick
then what's with this rash?
It's a minor peanut allergy.
Can't believe we thought
this was our last day and we blew it.
Thank god no one got hurt.
What are you talking about?
I killed my Nana.
And I killed Kate.
Great, now we have to get
suits for the funeral.
what they injected us with:
invisibility potion.
I can see you.
That's cause you're invisible too.
Invisible people can see each other.
Are those the invisibility rules?
Think about it. They wouldn't tell us
what they injected us with and
then they left us
in this empty observation room.
I think they pumped you
full of retard juice.
Hello gentlemen.
Hi doc, can you see us?
You're not invisible.
We have some bad news
to tell you two.
Great, don't tell me
we lost our parking spot.
There was a mix-up
with the experiment.
A mix-up?
We accidentally injected you
with a deadly poison.
Is that bad?
No Ron, I'm sure
it's the good kind of deadly poison.
It's a new biological weapon
the military is developing
called R500.
Now we meant
to inject you with the R400...
which is an antiperspirant.
Instead the mice got your injection
and you got theirs.
A biological weapon?
What does it do?
It attacks all the major organs
causing them
the hemorrhage simultaneously.
I'm a little confused.
You injected us with
a biological weapon.
And you'll just study how it works
before giving us the antidote.
It's a derivative of cyanide.
There's no antidote.
No antidote.
Wait a minute, if you poisoned us
with a deadly super weapon
that attacks all our organs,
we would...
die.
- You will die.
- We are really sorry,
but you'll be entitle
to our benefit package
and your families will be compensated
for their loss.
I see.
How long do we have?
The dose we gave you'll be fatal
in exactly 24 hours.
24 hours.
We're going to be dead in 24 h.
We're sorry.
I'm on lunch.
You guys can't...
- legally kill us.
- Of course not,
we'd sue the hell out of you.
You'll never get away with it.
Look I understand you're upset,
but you can't sue us.
You signed a 1400 page waiver.
Testico is totally protected.
Here it is. Subjects hereby waive
their right to hold Testico responsible
for their accidental death.
- Why would we sign that?
- It's all in here Ron, we signed it.
- We put our initials beside the clause.
- You even drew a smiley face.
I was happy.
I just got a job.
Guys, I heard what happened.
- I'm really sorry.
- Thanks Lar.
You know...
I was scheduled to do
that experiment.
Really? Why didn't you?
Traffic crazy... anyways,
if there's anything I can do.
Just...
We'll be sure to do that Larry.
Hello?
Need you to spell check my will.
You have a will?
You have to be prepared.
I Ron Mitchell being of
sound mind hereby declare
I would like to be cremated
and to have my ashes sprinkled
on two really hot naked lesbians
having sex with each other
in a jacuzzi.
Amen.
This isn't a will,
it's a morbid letter to Penthouse.
What lesbians are going to agree
to have your ashes sprinkled on them
while they have sex in a jacuzzi.
They don't have to know about it.
Someone could just sneak up and
dump the ashes in the hot tub
with lesbos in it.
This is insane.
We're just sitting here
wasting our final hours.
We need to do something.
Something big.
What?
There is one thing that
I've regretted not doing for years.
Okay, anything, you name it.
What?
I've never seen
the platinum series special
extended version of
the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
Come on, really?
That thing is over ten hours long.
It will take half our
lives to watch that.
- And we've already seen...
- Not the director's cut.
Hello?
Don't worry, I'm here to help.
You're a fire fighter?
- A cop?
- I'm whatever you want me to be.
You're an electrician.
Let's just say I know
a little something about sparks.
- Is someone coming to get us?
- I have no idea.
What did you mean when you said
you were here to help?
Help make you feel comfortable
while you wait muffin.
Wait,
are you saying you dropped
all the way down the elevator shaft
just to hit on me?
Guilty.
Champagne?
Four hours gone.
I know.
Let's pop in number 2.
This is ridiculous.
We've got hours to live
and this is how we're spending them,
watching movies
and writing erotic snuff fantasies?
- It's how we spend every day.
- That's the point, Ron.
This isn't just any day,
this is our last day.
- What are you doing?
- I'm having my last meal.
Come on you're allergic, peanuts?
That could kill you.
Well "whoop-di-doo".
- I'm not letting you do it.
- Give it up.
Stop it!
It's good.
I don't feel anything.
No allergic reaction.
I should be feeling it in my eyes,
- my nose, my throat, my lungs.
- Maybe you were misdiagnosed.
Misdiagnosed?
I've gone my whole life
without eating peanut.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is
to avoid eating peanuts? Ron?
Every time I have to say:
"Are there peanuts in that?
I'm allergic to peanuts".
All the birthday parties
I couldn't go to.
- I remember.
- And it's not just peanuts,
there's cross contamination.
You can't even eat
anything that might...
have come into contact
with peanuts, like...
ice cream, candy, even chocolate.
Imagine...
being a child, terrified of chocolate
because if you eat it...
you might die.
The Halloweens
I spent locked in my room
sitting at that window
dressed as Batman...
I get it.
Watching other children gorge
on buckets of free candy.
The chimes of an ice cream truck
would send shivers down my spine.
I've been afraid
of them my whole life.
And for what?
For what, don't you get it?
We don't have to be afraid
of anything amore.
We're invincible.
It doesn't matter if we screw up,
we're free.
- For the first time in our life...
- We're free.
We're free.
That is good.
Enough with the peanuts.
This is it,
all the things we wanted to do.
I don't know, I mean some of these
are pretty extreme.
That's the point.
Besides, they're not that wild.
Now,
where do we find a blow torch?
And some cheerleaders.
I didn't want to tell you this,
but right before I got in the elevator
I saw a flash in the distance
of what looked to be a mushroom cloud.
Right.
We could be the last of our species.
It's your duty to help me
repopulate the elevator
and one day the world.
You don't understand.
I get it,
you're playing hard to nail.
I am part of an experiment.
Trust me I've seen it all,
even if you are a dude,
it's only gay if our wangs touch.
I was on my way upstairs
to test a new PMS pill.
But in order to test it
they had to give me super strong PMS.
Do you understand what
I'm saying to you?
I am not in control of my emotions.
What a shock. A woman is not in control
of her emotions. I can handle it.
Here it is, our old alma mater.
It hasn't changed a bit.
You remember our old cheer
"Jackson High Squirrels",
"we are nuts." So lame.
Heather Fraser's old locker.
It still smells like her.
Come on, remember
how terrible life was here.
- They called you pubert.
- I didn't know that.
All the cool kids vandalized
this place except for us.
You're right.
We were such losers.
Well not anymore.
- Come on, let's trash this place.
- Damn right.
Cool.
Who's the faggot now coach?
How's my grammar now Mrs. Berkshaw!
I have always wanted to pull the fire
alarm, but I've been too chicken.
Duck, when you pull it,
you get blue ink in your face.
There's no blue ink Peter,
that's just an urban myth to scare kids.
All right, let's get out of here.
We did it!
See now everyone at Jackson High
will know who we are.
Hey look, they changed the name,
it's not Jackson high anymore.
St. Hubert's school for the physically
and mentally disabled.
Man, we just totally trashed
a special needs school.
Still, we did it.
Let's just move on. What's next?
You have a little fight in you.
I am so sorry I attacked you.
I don't know what's gotten into me.
It's the PMS.
It's the goddamn mood swings.
I am normally not a violet person.
I think I know what might
soothe this savage beast.
If you want to live
stop coming on to me.
It's your turn.
All right,
I've always dreamed of stealing
a really nice car.
Like a Ferrari.
The rush of stealing the car combines
with the thrill of driving
a world class automobile.
It's not quite the same thing, is it?
Look we couldn't find a Ferrari.
- Besides this gets great mileage.
- That's not the point.
We're still stealing a car and
we're still going to drive off
in that sunset.
Now we're just going
to drive a little further.
Because of the great mileage.
Use your imagination.
Seriously, let's just do this thing.
- Wait, doors open.
- Good,
though maybe I should still smash
the window.
Why, you're just get glass
everywhere.
You're right.
Shit!
Hang on, Ronnie.
Come on.
They've got the new Mellancamp.
Is something wrong?
These cramps are ridiculous.
Poor thing.
Back rub?
I'm going to let you up
and you're going to shut up
and if you don't,
I'm going to end you.
- You have got to be kidding me.
- What can I say?
Don't rattle the basket
if you don't want to play
with the snake.
What's going on?
I used to play here a child.
It's beautiful.
I'm dying.
You know you've used this whole
"I'm gonna die" line
to try and get in my pants twice.
This time its true, I've been injected
with a deadly biological weapon.
That's hot.
Now I really want to sleep with you.
Listen, I've always wanted
to say this, but was too shy.
Now that I'm dying
it doesn't matter.
Kate, I love you.
What's that taste?
Peanuts maybe, you want one?
I'm allergic to peanuts you idiot!
That didn't go very well.
Our next...
Why won't you get soft?
I can see your panties.
You sure about this?
Absolutely.
You're right, we have
nothing to fear.
Nana's been sick for two years now,
she's not getting any better.
I can't believe,
I haven't done this until now.
Goodbye Nana.
See you soon.
We heard that she was smiling.
Come on let's go.
- What's next on the list.
- I want to get in a fight.
Hello ladies.
Excuse me?
We don't have a lot of time here
so let's cut to the chase.
I think you're gay.
All of you,
especially you.
You're dirty, sweaty men who hang out
with other dirty sweaty men all day
because the only thing
you like more than a tight gasket...
is a tight ass.
You massive homos...
You're going down.
You're the ones
who are going down on each other
because you're so gay.
I'm going to rip your heads off
and shove them up your asses.
Pete, can I talk to
you for a second?
What?
There's four of them and
they're way bigger than us.
You said you wanted a fight.
I wanted to win a fight, I don't want
to just get my ass kicked.
All right, let me handle this.
Listen fellas,
You have a lot of work to do and
we don't want to get blood
all over your fancy garage.
Let's say we meet tonight
in that parking lot at 6:00.
6:00 won't be...
That is if you chicks have
the balls to face us.
Tonight at 6:00 when
you're done your work.
Bring some friends, lots of them.
Make it a fair fight.
Tonight!
- Nice.
- That was good.
Of course now we don't get to fight.
I kind of want to go out
with a big bang.
Which brings me
to the last thing on our list...
Testico.
Here's the plan: you get the fertilizer,
I'll get the diesel.
We load up the car and
we park it right here,
by the back near the main generator.
We'll blow those Testico
bastards sky high.
- That'll teach them to kill us.
- We have less than an hour.
Let's roll.
Ready?
One, two, three...
Two minutes.
- This is it, Ron, show time.
- You mean blow time.
Nobody tells Peter Cooper
and Ron Mitchell when to die.
That's right. We'll choose
our own time to die.
Even if it is just seconds before
the time they told us to die.
You ready?
I was born ready.
That's twice you've said
something mega cool.
- When was the other time?
- You said blow time.
Then you said let's roll.
That's 3 cool things you've said.
That is cool.
You say something cool.
I got it...
Jackson High Squirrels.
We are nuts.
It's not working.
What went wrong?
It's going to go, wait for it.
It's not going to go.
I don't know why, we got
fertilizer and diesel.
Actually, diesel is so expensive,
I just went with regular unleaded.
Does it matter?
Obviously yes Ron.
Are we in heaven?
Looks like Testico.
- Must be hell.
- You're not dead.
It's past 6:00,
we should have died hours ago.
Gentlemen, we lied.
You were never going to die.
We injected you
with a green colored saline.
Saline?
You bastards!
- What's saline?
- It's a harmless salt based fluid.
Why?
The real experiment was to study
how people react
when they have 24 hours to live.
For what purpose?
In case they were able to predict
a major event,
like a tidal wave or an asteroid.
They want to know how
people would behave.
That's sick.
I hate you people.
We observed you two
for the past 24 hours.
You really lived the top.
I mean, by your standards.
Hopefully in the event of
a global catastrophe.
The entire population doesn't react
the way that you did.
I don't understand. If we're not sick
then what's with this rash?
It's a minor peanut allergy.
Can't believe we thought
this was our last day and we blew it.
Thank god no one got hurt.
What are you talking about?
I killed my Nana.
And I killed Kate.
Great, now we have to get
suits for the funeral.