Testees (2008): Season 1, Episode 6 - Herfume - full transcript

Here's the product
you'll be testing today.

Let me guess, a new battery acid
that we spray in our eyes.

A new breath freshener
made out of cat shit.

It's a new pheromone spray.

Pheromones are chemicals that
trigger natural behaviors in animals.

These are sexual pheromones,

when used they will
heighten sexual attraction.

What animals are they meant
to attract?

Women.

Dr, please...

don't toy with this.



This is the real deal.

Powerful and very expensive.

- What's in it?
- Each bottle is made

from the sweat glands of 1000

silk worm moths known for attracting
a mate using only their scent.

A thousand,
in one tiny bottle of perfume.

- It's worth it.
- You spray it on

and women will be all over you.

This is the antidote.

It is the only thing that
will remove the smell.

I don't know why
we invented it either.

Go!

Cheers guys.

Kate, we gotta do something
about this place,



it's a total sausage party.

- What can I do? Business is slow.
- Maybe you should promote the place.

I guess I could put
an ad in the paper.

Ad in the paper?
Kate, print is dead.

You need a video,
something you could throw online.

- You need me.
- So you're a director now?

You know more of an autuer really
but I could have this place crawling

with broads in no time,
$1,000 all in.

- What are you guys doing?
- Do you feel any different?

- Horny?
- A stirring in your loins maybe?

Come here and sniff my neck.

We're testing a new cologne,
it's supposed to drive women crazy.

Oh my god...
Okay Kate smell me, smell me.

You guys are such idiots.

You want to make women horny,
take a shower,

get real jobs and pretend
to care about their feelings.

I'll stick with the spray.

What's in this stuff anyway?
Mothballs.

- Kind of.
- Well you have fun with this okay.

- Thank you Kate.
- Now my bar stinks.

You need me.

What do you know about commercials?

Who else do you know that watches
14 hours of TV a day?

It didn't work on Kate, what make you
think it's going to work in here?

I'm not giving up.

I waited for a magic potion
like this to come along my whole life

Maybe we just didn't
just enough of it.

Maybe you're right.
Screw the silk moths.

- Maybe if we drank it.
- Couldn't hurt.

Give me some of that.

Enjoy your last moments
of being a loser.

Tears commercial, take one.

Now gimme a tear.

Really good.
Let me see you sniff it.

Look up to the heavens.

Why have I been forsaken?

I'll tell you why.

You found the girl and
the best man doing the doggie

in the back of the church.

Cut!

I'm giving your character back story.
The name of the bar is Tears.

Its where hot girls go
when they get dumped.

They drink here, they cry,
then guys show up and bang them

because they're on the rebound.

- How much simpler do you need to get?
- You need help!

That looks nice.

It's a good fit.

- Damn it, its no use.
- Come on, let's go.

I knew it.
I knew it.

That's it, it doesn't work.
Women are not attracted to us,

we're still losers,
just losers who smell.

Why do the great products
never work?

Can we help you?

What are you doing?
Lady get off of me...

Can I get some help here please.

- Come on please, control yourself.
- What is your problem?

Ma'am should you be walking
around here on your own?

- Is there a safe place you should be?
- Come on Pete, in the car.

Oh my God, it's so sad.

This is the problem
with our health care system,

right here banging on our window.

Personally I blame
the pharmaceutical companies.

The prescriptions are
just too expensive.

- Shouldn't we call someone to help her?
- There's nothing we can do.

Let's go.

No artsy crap, just point and shoot.

- You can handle that?
- I just want to go on the record,

I think you're making
a huge mistake here.

- I'll remember that.
- Ready?

Hit record.

And action.

Welcome to Tears,
the friendly upscale bar

with a hip and exciting atmosphere.

And starting this week,
Friday is ladies'night.

Nugget, I'm over here.

We're not open, I'm sorry.

Why are they walking like that?

I don't know.
What are they sniffing at?

See it wasn't a total loss.

You know I'm not kidding when I say
this is the best hotdog in the city.

- I love how you grill them.
- That's nice of you to say. Hot sauce?

No thank you, just got the hiccups.

If they can make a perfume
that smells like these hotdogs,

no one could resist.

Its not like we need
women to smell nice.

You kidding me,
I'd have sex with a hot girl

who's covered in dog shit.

Get off, get off, get of me.

Get of him.

What are you doing?
Get back, get back.

Come on Ron, we gotta run,
get out of here.

One minute the hotdog lady is normal
the next she's attacking you.

It's got to be the pheromone spray,
it works.

Ng said that it would drive
women crazy.

Only it doesn't seem to work
on hot babes, just, heavier ladies.

With unibrows and facial hair
and broad shoulders.

Lets just say it, it only works
on ugly chicks.

I'd rather say
less attractive women.

That must be why
it didn't work on Kate.

I dropped a whole bottle
of perfume in her bar.

Call her!

What is this man?

Why are they attacking?
What do they want?

I know what they want,
I'm not letting them have any of it.

I saw the look in their eyes.

It's like they're not
in control of themselves.

- We have to get out of here.
- How?

Look around us, we're trapped.

Did you here that?

- What are we going to do?
- Why are you filme me?

I can't believe it,

they're probably already dead.

I know,

I know, it's sad.

- There's nothing we could have done.
- We could've tried Ron.

How? How?

Go out there with those things?

It's too dangerous.

Stay here, that's what
they would have wanted.

You're right.

Guys?

Guys?

- Kate is that you?
- Yeah, and Nugget's here too.

There are these things in the bar,
these women...

They were really ugly guys.

Get out of there.

Come on.

- I can't
- What?

- I'm not good in small places.
- You have to.

I can't, okay, I just can't.

On the other hand...

You're all right.

Nugget, let's go buddy.

What the hell's going on man?

You know that spray from Testico
that makes us irresistible to women?

It looks like it works...

This vent is connected to
the men's room,

No wonder this apartment smells
like piss.

Guys its not big deal, like I have
standards of course,

but you two, it's not like
you're Calvin Klein models.

You should look
at this situation a little differently.

Are you saying that we should
be cool with the fact

that brain dead bearded women
are trying to rape us?

We're always chasing after women,

now they're chasing after us.

Maybe we should stop running

and just let them have
their way with us.

How bad could it be?

Beauty is only skin deep right.
Are we that shallow?

- Man that was close.
- You two led them right to us.

- Sure its our fault.
- What are we going to do now?

There's got to be
some way to stop them.

An antidote.
There's an antidote.

Go call Testico.

Its ringing.

Hello, yes, thank god
we need your help.

- What happened?
- The line went dead.

Still out there.

They're in the hallways,
they're outside, they're everywhere.

What are we going to do?

There's not way for
all of us to escape.

We can't just stay here Peter.

- They'll get in eventually.
- I know.

What are you saying?

Pass me that bottle of sherry,
I have a plan.

- You really want to do this?
- It's the only way.

- But Peter...
- No but...

When I get out they'll be distracted
long enough

long enough for you all to escape,
get to Testico, get the antidote.

This is the bravest,
most noble things anyone's ever done.

- You're my best friend Pete.
- Thank you Ron.

You're a hero.

How you feeling?

One more glass and I'll have
my beer goggles on.

God I hope this works.

Don't worry, I'm so drunk that
those women out there should look...

okay.

Any last words?

Do it.

Oh god, no, I'm not drunk enough!

- Promise you'll come back for me.
- I promise.

Cool it guys!

Oh man, this is messed up.

It's no use, we're never going to
make it. You have to go on your own.

- What?
- You have to.

Nugget and I
will create a distraction.

A what?

When they come out for us
you get in the car and go.

- I don't know.
- We're counting on you.

- Maybe I should go with Ron.
- Take this.

- Come on.
- Come on you bitches!

That's it, follow the light.

Come on, come on, start.

That's it, you like the light.

- Shit!
- Come on Nugget, move.

Come on, start!

I got an idea.

This way.

Perfect.
Look at this.

This was your idea, the roof?

- Why?
- There's only one way up.

We'll be safe until
the helicopters come.

- Helicopters?
- The army should be here soon.

Army?

They'll pick us up and then
they'll napalm the rest of the city.

That's how it works.

Please don't make me...

Rape you?

What would I want with
a skinny little bug eyed twerp like you?

Thank god.

I think I need to go
to the hospital.

Sorry about that.

I got a friend who needs me,
it's not too late.

My name is Charles Nugget,

approximately 4 hours ago,
we were attacked by several ugly women.

If you found this tape, I mean,
if you're watching it now,

- we're probably dead.
- Open the door.

You know more about
these women than we do.

Don't open it!
I don't care.

This is amazing.

- Can you believe this footage?
- Nugget, I'm mixed.

I want to congratulate you
but at the same time,

it's a little awkward watching
my graphic sexual assault

over and over.

Come on Peter, you look great.

- The camera loves you.
- You think?

So the spray didn't really work.

No, actually it kind of did.

Apparently in silk worm moths
the gender roles are reversed,

so they attract females
who are aggressive,

hairy and well mannish,
it's what they're into.

This is a great commercial.

Its clearly viral, evocative,

people are going to talk
about this spot.

It would have been
a great commercial,

if you wouldn't have burned
down my bar.

I'm sorry, okay.
I'm just not good with flares.

Want to watch it again?