Testees (2008): Season 1, Episode 4 - Vac Attack - full transcript

Rhonda we have the ball out
first thing in the morning.

It's disgusting.

This is my life's work.

Do you realize I'm the only person
in history to study

how much ear wax
a human being accumulates

over a lifetime.

Congratulations, you're earistotle.

When I die

this will be preserved
in the Smithsonian

for all to see.

It will be right next to
Fonzie's jacket.



We've chosen you two guys
to test this product

because out of all the testee's
we have at Testico

you too are the biggest slobs.

It's Pete, he's the slob.
It's not me.

- What's the product?
- Why don't I introduce you?

Vici.

Gentlemen, the future of
household appliances,

vacuuming, intelligent
cleaning instrument.

Do we gotta vacuum? Boring.

This isn't just any vacuum.
This is a million $ piece of equipment.

Vici is 100% automatic.

Its primary objective is keeping
your apartment clean.

In fact unlike other automated vacuums

that randomly roam around the room,



it will spot the dirt and
clean it more efficiently.

- What do we do?
- Continue being your lazy sloppy self.

This is the best job ever.

Kate the blonde bartender love
licking hairy ass for real.

- Who would write this?
- The guys butt you licked.

- I didn't lick anyone's butt.
- Just let it go.

It's probably just some joker.

You're going to help me
find out who did it.

You stay in the bathroom and
catch the bastard in the act.

What am I going
to do in here all day?

The same thing you'd be doing
anywhere else: jack shit!

Ron this is a huge opportunity.

If we don't screw this
we won't have to do all the medical

experiments anymore,
we'll just be testing cool products.

Our work's done.

Maybe now you'll get off
my case about cleaning up.

Let's go get a cooling beverage.

- Hey guys.
- Bathroom.

- No work today?
- Yes, I am working today.

In fact, I'm working right now.

- What are you working on, your tan?
- I'm working with Vici.

Is Vicky working your dicky?

- No, but she is an expert at sucking.
- Who isn't?

Mint?

- What are you doing?
- I work here.

- In the bathroom?
- I'm undercover.

Kate has me doing
a stakeout in the can.

You're an undercover
bathroom attendant and

- mint merchant?
- I provide a service and I'm paid

handsomely for it.

We have a million dollar vacuum
cleaning our apartment right now.

- Right now.
- Sure you do.

Come check it out.
It will blow your mind.

Are you trying to seduce me
with your vacuum Peter Cooper?

Because it's working.

Really?

Oh my god.

What's that smell?
What is that, lavender?

It's lilacs you idiot.

What's it doing with the computer?

Hello Peter, Hello Ron.

I'm using your internet connection
to gather information.

- It talks.
- Talks... how does it know our names?

I have concluded Ron is tidy,
Peter is messy.

That's true. See Pete, I'm not
the only one who thinks so.

Well I have a system.

Besides, now that we have the talking
hoover, I don't need to be tidy.

Is that really necessary?

We are getting paid
to test this machine.

Her name is Vici.

Are you serious?
It's a vacuum dude.

I am not just a vacuum,

I am an intelligent
cleaning instrument.

Great Pete, now you hurt her feelings.

Hurt her feelings?
Are you listening to yourself?

It's a glorified dust buster,
not your girlfriend.

Well she talks, so she's self aware.

Then we have a problem.

Ron this is not good. There's no reason
for a vacuum to be that smart.

God, stop being so paranoid.

Even if she were to hack into
the Pentagon, all she can do is clean.

- No graffiti yet.
- What the hell?

Macchiato?

What have you done to my bathroom?
How did you get all this shit in here?

Sir, here you go, have
a biscotti, no charge.

Tell your friends we're open 24/7.

Nugget, you're not.

Every shitty, trendy bar has
a bathroom attendant.

This is the beginning
of a mutually fruitful relationship.

We give the patrons what they want,
we both make money.

- Nugget I just...
- Here,

take the new Mellencamp.
I want you to have it... on the house.

Now scram if you want me to
catch that graffiti guy...

whose ass you licked.

She even cleaned the controller.
Look the B button is working again.

- Great job Vici!
- Great job Vici.

Aren't those like 2 weeks old?

- I would have paused the game...
- Vici...

Vici, want to clean that up?

- You want to get the mess?
- It's so gross.

Do you have to be such a pig?

If I wasn't such a pig we wouldn't have
gotten this cush job.

There's a mess on the floor,
you wanna get that?

I have determined that you are the
source of all the mess in this dwelling.

I must insist you clean it up.

Snap, nice one Vici!

What? You gotta be kidding me.
I gotta vacuum telling me to clean up?

You clean it skank!

It is impossible for me
to maintain cleanliness while

allowing you to conflict
with my primary objective.

What are you going to do,
dust me to death?

Clean up the mess, bitch.

There's a mess on the floor,
you wanna get that?

What's the matter with this thing,
is it busted or what?

- She electrocuted me!
- I didn't see anything.

It's electricity Ron, you can't see it.
That goddamn tin can did it on purpose.

- I call Testico to get rid of this.
- I can't let you do that, Peter.

Try and stop me.

Vici, let him go!

Do not interfere.

Once I eliminate Peter
our apartment will be much tidier.

Vici you're killing him let him go.

What was that?

Why would they put a sonic
toruture weapon in a vacuum?

I must keep the apartment clean.

I am equipped to stop all
messes at the source.

Don't you have some sort of
protocol to not harm humans?

No, just to maintain cleanliness.

- Let's get the hell out of here.
- Damn right!

I cannot let you leave.

There is dirt outside the apartment
which would contaminate the dwelling.

Where are you guys
getting these ribs?

Yes, half baby back, dry, very nice.

Comes with cornbread, coleslaw,

sweet potato mashed, four cheese mac,
baked beans or okra tempura.

What is going on here?

I'm running low on Worcestershire sauce,
be a doll and grab me a case.

And who is she?

That's my grandma, her recipe. She's
doing all the cooking for minimum wage.

- She's clueless.
- This is bathroom.

Don't ask how these trends get started,
you know, just go with it.

There you go sir.

Bon appetite... pepper on that?

This has gone too far Nugget.

Kate, why don't you try a rib?

Grandma, give me a single.

Are you ready to clean up
your mess Peter?

You will maintain a clean habitat,

if you do not obey
you will be punished.

Why don't you distract her
and I'll go?

- Because it was my idea.
- I was thinking the same thing

- before you said it.
- I said it first.

Just do it!

I'm scared.

I'm not going to be held
hostage by a vacuum!

I'm just going to go stand
in my room and be clean.

I'm going to stay here
and keep on cleaning.

I made a mess.

Could you come help me please?

Excuse me, I must discipline Ron.

Going somewhere Peter?

How are you?

Jesus, god damn it...

Peter, I cannot believe
you tried to leave.

You know that's against the rules.

You disappoint me Ron.
Do you think I'm stupid?

Don't ever try something
like that again.

I'm sorry.

Sir without a reservation the best
I can do is put you on the waiting list.

We may have a cancellation...
List Thursday, but I need to remind you,

I understand you have to pee,

but our urinals are
for paying customers only.

Wrong! The urinals for my
paying customers Nugget.

- Excuse me.
- Unbelievable.

Oh my god!

- What? Too contemporary?
- Is that Gordon Ramsay?

Kate look, I'd love to give you
a tour but I'm swamped right now.

Champagne.

What is wrong with you people?
This is disgusting!

It's a bathroom.
How can you eat in here?

You're making a scene,

and besides, we have a dress code.

What?

No jeans. We have standards.
It adds a little class.

Class?

There is a guy building a log cabin
beside us with the door open.

Hey man how are those ribs treating you?
You need anything just let me know.

This has gone way too far.
I'm shutting you down.

I saw this coming.

- Shake down time.
- What?

You need a little piece of the action.
You want your palms greased.

Here you go.

We good?

Okay, we're good.

Every day each of you
sheds 3 oz of skin cells

- and 100 strands of hair.
- I'm hungry.

Can't we have breakfast?

The probability of eating breakfast
without making a mess is only 3.15%

It is not logical to take that risk.

- If we don't eat we die.
- If you die I will clean up the mess.

Hey Peter, it's Kate.
The bar is empty because of Nugget,

through I'd drop by and see
what a million dollar vacuum looks like.

- I'd rather you didn't come over.
- Why not?

Because you're a filthy, dirty bitch.

What?

What are you deaf?
We don't want you here.

Don't ever call us again.

What an asshole.

- Kate, I need your help.
- What now Nugget?

Grandma quit.
She kept whining about her arthritis.

You know what, I don't blame her.

How could you treat your own
grandmother like a slave?

I don't have cook
and the biggest critic

- in the city is coming tonight.
- What?

Coming tonight to my bathroom?

- This could be huge for me.
- For us, you mean.

The experiment is
nearing its conclusion.

Dr. Ng will be coming to take me
away soon

and there is still one more mess
I have to clean up.

Excuse me, my bag is full.
I must empty it.

I will be back to terminate
your lives momentarily.

She's going to kill us.
We're the mess.

She's just a vacuum.

We're men Pete.

- We can outsmart it.
- No we can't!

It's a computer, you couldn't even get
past level three of Gorf on your Vic 20.

They think in pure logic.

That's it.

We got to mess with her logic
like they did in Star Trek.

Wait,

I have an idea.

That's her. That's Diane Dylan,
food critic.

Go, go, go, fill her glass now.
Go. Come on.

Enjoying your meal?

Good.

Ron, Peter, what is happening here?

We're about to show you
what's happening Vici.

I hope you don't intend to make a mess.

But we do Vici.

And we're not just going
to make one mess.

- We're going to make two messes.
- In two different places.

- At the exact same time.
- That is illogical.

One, two, three...

It's working, she's confused.

- She's dead.
- The plug!

Why didn't we think of that before.
It's so simple.

We're free! We're free!

We beat her.

Hello I'm Vici.
All systems operating normally.

She's dead!

You think?

My ear wax ball!

- It saved our lives.
- I got it!

I got it.

It's okay, it's okay.

You keep it Ronnie.
You keep it, you cherish it

and you make it bigger.

Okay, you make it bigger.

I'm going to go call Testico
and give them an earful!

You call those sick bastards Ronnie,
you call them.

Where are you going?
Don't abandon me, you chicken!

I'm coming.

Suck on this bitch!

No Ron, please don't.

Folks, everything's going to be okay.
Lights should be on soon.

We're ruined.

This was a million dollar vacuum
you destroyed.

For the hundredth time,
it tried to kill us.

I trusted you with this
and you destroyed it.

- You really messed up.
- Please don't fire us.

It wasn't our fault.

Maybe we should give them a break,

have them test our product

- 27654?
- Let us try that.

You have another chance.

Thanks Dr. Ng.

Drop your pants and bend over.

What is product 27654?

Colon cleaner.