Testees (2008): Season 1, Episode 1 - Gas Pills - full transcript
After testing a radical new pill for Testico, the boys discover there is a miracle growing inside Peter.
Bad news kiddo:
it's our last cracker.
I've got some good news
We only neeed 599 $
and 27 more cents for rent.
You know what we need to do?
get more couches
We gotta go back
I'm not going back
All right? We're giving all to take this shown
and shown speech; so was embarrassing...
how to come back to that hell hole?
20 minutes and we are done
Easy money and will happen to saves lifes
Ron, i will never,
ever, ever,
- ever...
- Amy will be there
- All right, this is the last time.
- Last time.
- I'm not high five with you
- All right!
testees s01e01
"Gas Pills"
Oh, here we go again!!
My favourite testees back from early retirement
Man, that was the biggest screwiest speech
in the history...of screwiest speeches
I was impressed,
Marcel would be so excited to you back.
Marcel?
I owe you 20 bucks.
Hey, gimme your cell phone
- why?
- because...
Marcel is going to humiliate us and
i don't want it posted on the internet
and please stop tagging me!
Ok? Just stop it because a lot's...
got in every picture you take of me
Well, well, well
you told me to take this job and show it
where? Up my re-end
but look...
look at my re-end.
Do you see your job is there?
both of you...
if you want your job is back...
get on your knees and lick my feet
- Please, don't make us do that!
- Do it.
I'll do it.
It's not a big deal
So good!
Very good!!
Welcome to Testico.
Is that Larry?
What's wrong with him?
I'll say this guy is some sort of a lame or tumor
you bailed last week, we're worried
you missed the penis enlargement sprays
You've got the penis enlargement spray?
my winner is so big...
you could help to holding it
Nice pants, Larry
some chic left 'em on my house last night
and you just put 'em on?
what she goes home in?
an ambulance.
- why don't we get the penis spay?
- you think you're having it back?
in my country...
top scientist.
famous, very famous.
i worked on top speciment
Air Force pilote.
I saw tough faces on them
and i make them "bah"!
Dr Green?
May I please get the placebo, because,
Ron had it last time
- and faire's faire, we should alternate it
- no
I cannot tell you that
is it?
that was easy!
I don't think this is a sanitary
it's not in...
no
Please, use some gelly !
Hey, Amy, what's your favourite Disney movie?
I'm busy, Larry
Guess for mine is...
What?
- Dumbo.
- Oh my God, Jesus!
You can call me, Larry.
that's gargantuan!
- It's not even hard.
- It's hard to resist.
- does it work, can you actually use...
- shhh...
come find out
would you say "Laky Dazzicle" is a symptom?
- No. No i would not
- Could be the pill.
Ronnie, would you like to hear what
I've wrote on my symptom support?
- Sure.
- Swollen feet,
morning sickness, constipation,
strange food
cravings, hot flashes,
loop swings,
sore asshole,
but that could be from the robot rape
Probably.
Oh, this is interesting...
sleep blooding
- Whay you think of that, Ronnie?
- Yeah
You know, the mention I'll feel little blooded
enough
clearly, you got the placebo
and i've got whatever crazy pill
they gave me and now look at me!
Why? You're not good?
Thank you Ron, what a relieve.
Do me a favor!!
Pass me your coffee there
That's rigth, gimme your coffee.
Come on!
like that, boy
Here you go, kiddo!!
Wait rigth there
What are you doing in there?
- What is that?
- Pregnancy test.
Ron, i'm non mode for yuor joke.
Just, please, get me the Testico.
Humor me, okay?
see...to pee on this
then...
20 seconds or it could be 20 minutes...
- you told me to pee on the thing
- oh, fu...oh, fuck, what are you doig?
I can't stop mainstream, i'm sorry
All this is ridiculous, okay
I know I look pregnant but I'm not actually pregnant
You're pregnant
Ronnie, I can't have a baby through my penis,
- it's not possible
- no, no, no
It's not coming out at your penis,
it's coming out at your ass
Why would that coming out at my ass, you idiot!!
Because that's where they put the pill in it
coming out at the same hole that the sperm pill went in
Ronnie, did you ejaculate doing a copy
of any point on last week ?
not at Testico.
You get now a phone and you call Testico
Because they have crossed the line!
I hope it's human, i just hope it's human
Just take it easy
Just relax in there
I pound some camomille, for you ?
a green tea?
What are you doing?
You're not killing this baby, okay?
I'm not gonna let you
You gonna help me to raise the tipi,
Pocahontas?
I'm afraid to touch it, just...
do whatever you do to get it out
Put the bag on.
what, should I have a kinda hole in it?
Am i get to go down on you?
You're not
Let's keep it simple, okay?
we are not making love here, Larry
Think of this is a biology experiment for me
All right. Ignition sequence started
Oh, say, can you see, by the...
Larry?
Great
Is gonna be fine
My idiot cousin had a baby, it's nothing
what cousin had a baby?
Sharon.
the woman
with the vagina
- All right, I don't know anything about raising a baby
- Come one.
a women can do it...!
okay
Remember when we built that showing unit?
we didn't know anything about...
putting up shelves
but we...we red a book
- yeah
- and we did it. we did it, we put that shelf up
- together
- and what happen to that shelf, Ron?
it collapse
and then we burn it...
together
see you are saying...we have this baby
and what's case scenario
we burn the baby
and we do that together
I think you should burn the baby, it's...
your baby, i mean...
i don't want any part of that
Ron, you are a very stupid man
usual Kate
- the same
- No, more milk
Peter, did you cut your hair?
or lose weight or something?
- you look great.
- ah, ah, very funny.
Not, seriously
Larry, you look terrible
- How is that hanging?
- it's not hanging
it's dragging
This thing is nothing but trouble
it's so big, then when i get the born on, i passed out
oh, boo hoo, your dick's too big
cry in your river
you are failing because you don't have enough blood
you just need a blood transfusion for your x-long.
- would that work?
- of course,
you can get some blood at Testico
Gotta run away
Pete
why all the women here starring at you?
I though they were starring at cookzilla
wait a minute. What is going on here?
Ehi, this is for you
for me, from who?
the lady down at the other end of the bar
- seriously?
- I don't know, i'm telling you men
there is something about you
you're all glowed
Okay, what just happen there?
Can pregnant men have sex?
It's gotta be the baby!
Why?
Women sense it, they're drown to you
and they don't even know why,
it's like a sixth sense.
you got something no other man has
- Dude, I feel like a rock star.
- You are!
but if you...give out the baby, all just...
go away
yeah, and if i keep it?
if you keep it...
you'll be the first man to give birth
you'll be world famous
your name in lights
- "Peter Cooper".
- everyone's gonna have a piece of you.
celebrities
Jay-Z calling!
"So, P-daddy ?
some girl with you and the baby, Yo"
sup-over?
and the money...
how you be rolling in filthy green money!
- it'll be like a dream!
- yeah
and just send the kit up to military school,
you don't even have to deal with it
okay
- okay
- yeah
I'm gonna get mommy!
it's it
Pete's pregnant, we really need your help
Okay, whatever
Ehy, pumpkin
- What do you want?
- Good news.
blood worked.
Bad news? we need more!
More? What happened?
You're an idiot. I risk my job stealing that for you
see if you could wank?
Look, i don't know about this, Larry
Maybe we should just, forget it
You'll be back
and three,
two, one, breathe!
two, three, four, five, and pushing!
Second contraction!
- Come on, you can do it! You could do it!
- You gotta get the phone.
Get the phone
- and my pity of middle-wife.
- anyway we are doing great.
- just gimme that, I'm taking a huge dumb.
- no, it feels good.
Hello, dad's speaking
You good for 10:20 tomorrow?
- Who is it?
- Testico, they want a sample.
a sample?
hang up the phone, hang up the...
hang up the phone
- hang on.
- hang up!
they want a sample?
- they want a sample?
- yeah
they wanna take our baby
- they can't take our baby!
- we sign a contract !
they own our baby!!
- Okay. We gotta get outta here
- Get the stuff, put it in the case,
and hurry!
Don't forget the breast pump
Listen!
It's Testico,
I think they've fucked the place
into the car...
hurry!
Ron, wait up!
Maniac!
A'ght, we're we going?
- New York ?
- Boring.
Mexico?
Really?
Vegas !
Vegas!
Yeah
Sin city!
Come on, get this popi going!
Vegas !
Oh, great!
All right...
we'll hide out in that bus there
Come on, Pete !
- Run, Pete !
- "Run".
- You wanna gimme a miscarriage?
-but you can at least hurry up, come on!
Come on, easy.
You take it esy
Ron, I like your C?sar salad
and some pea soup.
some bruschette, with mashed potatoes
I like your carrot-cake,
and the cheese-cake,
old Cheddar.
Ron, it's not just you anymore
it's gonna be three of us, we're family
I don't think you get that
Surprise, surprise.
One bag, let's do it!
that's good for a semi!
Oh, Oh...Ron!!
- I'm having a baby!
- uh? you are having a baby!!
- oh, man...oh, man
- okay, okay
oh, come on
Hurry, hurry
okay, okay
Okay
I think I've got the tip in!
oh!
Oh, my God!
3, 2, 1 and...
Push!
Okay, okay, okay
3, 2, 1, breathe
2, 3, 4, 5 and push...
Push!
you see? It just pottering!
- I'm cumming, I'm cumming
- What? No!
- it's coming
- push, push
Uh, you are great, baby
Uh, was incredible
that work for 6 seconds?
the 6 seconds of your life
Larry
Gasoline tablets
for better fuel efficiency and cars
why would they test the tablet?
for gas things, some cubic... It doesn't make sense!
- I know
- It doesn't make sense!
I know
I gotta tell ya, now that it's all over
I feel...a little empty
I think i was growing attached to the little guy
You're suffering for post-partum depression
Ya see, you haven't lost your sense of humor!
- you've been spent 15 00 $ on that...
- boga-bill, i know, i'm sorry...
I hadda have the boga-bill...
I hadda have the boga-bill...
Hello
it's Testico.
they wanted to know if we can coming
to test a new pill that's a thousand
times more powerful than LSD
- Ron?
- Right?
will do it
it's our last cracker.
I've got some good news
We only neeed 599 $
and 27 more cents for rent.
You know what we need to do?
get more couches
We gotta go back
I'm not going back
All right? We're giving all to take this shown
and shown speech; so was embarrassing...
how to come back to that hell hole?
20 minutes and we are done
Easy money and will happen to saves lifes
Ron, i will never,
ever, ever,
- ever...
- Amy will be there
- All right, this is the last time.
- Last time.
- I'm not high five with you
- All right!
testees s01e01
"Gas Pills"
Oh, here we go again!!
My favourite testees back from early retirement
Man, that was the biggest screwiest speech
in the history...of screwiest speeches
I was impressed,
Marcel would be so excited to you back.
Marcel?
I owe you 20 bucks.
Hey, gimme your cell phone
- why?
- because...
Marcel is going to humiliate us and
i don't want it posted on the internet
and please stop tagging me!
Ok? Just stop it because a lot's...
got in every picture you take of me
Well, well, well
you told me to take this job and show it
where? Up my re-end
but look...
look at my re-end.
Do you see your job is there?
both of you...
if you want your job is back...
get on your knees and lick my feet
- Please, don't make us do that!
- Do it.
I'll do it.
It's not a big deal
So good!
Very good!!
Welcome to Testico.
Is that Larry?
What's wrong with him?
I'll say this guy is some sort of a lame or tumor
you bailed last week, we're worried
you missed the penis enlargement sprays
You've got the penis enlargement spray?
my winner is so big...
you could help to holding it
Nice pants, Larry
some chic left 'em on my house last night
and you just put 'em on?
what she goes home in?
an ambulance.
- why don't we get the penis spay?
- you think you're having it back?
in my country...
top scientist.
famous, very famous.
i worked on top speciment
Air Force pilote.
I saw tough faces on them
and i make them "bah"!
Dr Green?
May I please get the placebo, because,
Ron had it last time
- and faire's faire, we should alternate it
- no
I cannot tell you that
is it?
that was easy!
I don't think this is a sanitary
it's not in...
no
Please, use some gelly !
Hey, Amy, what's your favourite Disney movie?
I'm busy, Larry
Guess for mine is...
What?
- Dumbo.
- Oh my God, Jesus!
You can call me, Larry.
that's gargantuan!
- It's not even hard.
- It's hard to resist.
- does it work, can you actually use...
- shhh...
come find out
would you say "Laky Dazzicle" is a symptom?
- No. No i would not
- Could be the pill.
Ronnie, would you like to hear what
I've wrote on my symptom support?
- Sure.
- Swollen feet,
morning sickness, constipation,
strange food
cravings, hot flashes,
loop swings,
sore asshole,
but that could be from the robot rape
Probably.
Oh, this is interesting...
sleep blooding
- Whay you think of that, Ronnie?
- Yeah
You know, the mention I'll feel little blooded
enough
clearly, you got the placebo
and i've got whatever crazy pill
they gave me and now look at me!
Why? You're not good?
Thank you Ron, what a relieve.
Do me a favor!!
Pass me your coffee there
That's rigth, gimme your coffee.
Come on!
like that, boy
Here you go, kiddo!!
Wait rigth there
What are you doing in there?
- What is that?
- Pregnancy test.
Ron, i'm non mode for yuor joke.
Just, please, get me the Testico.
Humor me, okay?
see...to pee on this
then...
20 seconds or it could be 20 minutes...
- you told me to pee on the thing
- oh, fu...oh, fuck, what are you doig?
I can't stop mainstream, i'm sorry
All this is ridiculous, okay
I know I look pregnant but I'm not actually pregnant
You're pregnant
Ronnie, I can't have a baby through my penis,
- it's not possible
- no, no, no
It's not coming out at your penis,
it's coming out at your ass
Why would that coming out at my ass, you idiot!!
Because that's where they put the pill in it
coming out at the same hole that the sperm pill went in
Ronnie, did you ejaculate doing a copy
of any point on last week ?
not at Testico.
You get now a phone and you call Testico
Because they have crossed the line!
I hope it's human, i just hope it's human
Just take it easy
Just relax in there
I pound some camomille, for you ?
a green tea?
What are you doing?
You're not killing this baby, okay?
I'm not gonna let you
You gonna help me to raise the tipi,
Pocahontas?
I'm afraid to touch it, just...
do whatever you do to get it out
Put the bag on.
what, should I have a kinda hole in it?
Am i get to go down on you?
You're not
Let's keep it simple, okay?
we are not making love here, Larry
Think of this is a biology experiment for me
All right. Ignition sequence started
Oh, say, can you see, by the...
Larry?
Great
Is gonna be fine
My idiot cousin had a baby, it's nothing
what cousin had a baby?
Sharon.
the woman
with the vagina
- All right, I don't know anything about raising a baby
- Come one.
a women can do it...!
okay
Remember when we built that showing unit?
we didn't know anything about...
putting up shelves
but we...we red a book
- yeah
- and we did it. we did it, we put that shelf up
- together
- and what happen to that shelf, Ron?
it collapse
and then we burn it...
together
see you are saying...we have this baby
and what's case scenario
we burn the baby
and we do that together
I think you should burn the baby, it's...
your baby, i mean...
i don't want any part of that
Ron, you are a very stupid man
usual Kate
- the same
- No, more milk
Peter, did you cut your hair?
or lose weight or something?
- you look great.
- ah, ah, very funny.
Not, seriously
Larry, you look terrible
- How is that hanging?
- it's not hanging
it's dragging
This thing is nothing but trouble
it's so big, then when i get the born on, i passed out
oh, boo hoo, your dick's too big
cry in your river
you are failing because you don't have enough blood
you just need a blood transfusion for your x-long.
- would that work?
- of course,
you can get some blood at Testico
Gotta run away
Pete
why all the women here starring at you?
I though they were starring at cookzilla
wait a minute. What is going on here?
Ehi, this is for you
for me, from who?
the lady down at the other end of the bar
- seriously?
- I don't know, i'm telling you men
there is something about you
you're all glowed
Okay, what just happen there?
Can pregnant men have sex?
It's gotta be the baby!
Why?
Women sense it, they're drown to you
and they don't even know why,
it's like a sixth sense.
you got something no other man has
- Dude, I feel like a rock star.
- You are!
but if you...give out the baby, all just...
go away
yeah, and if i keep it?
if you keep it...
you'll be the first man to give birth
you'll be world famous
your name in lights
- "Peter Cooper".
- everyone's gonna have a piece of you.
celebrities
Jay-Z calling!
"So, P-daddy ?
some girl with you and the baby, Yo"
sup-over?
and the money...
how you be rolling in filthy green money!
- it'll be like a dream!
- yeah
and just send the kit up to military school,
you don't even have to deal with it
okay
- okay
- yeah
I'm gonna get mommy!
it's it
Pete's pregnant, we really need your help
Okay, whatever
Ehy, pumpkin
- What do you want?
- Good news.
blood worked.
Bad news? we need more!
More? What happened?
You're an idiot. I risk my job stealing that for you
see if you could wank?
Look, i don't know about this, Larry
Maybe we should just, forget it
You'll be back
and three,
two, one, breathe!
two, three, four, five, and pushing!
Second contraction!
- Come on, you can do it! You could do it!
- You gotta get the phone.
Get the phone
- and my pity of middle-wife.
- anyway we are doing great.
- just gimme that, I'm taking a huge dumb.
- no, it feels good.
Hello, dad's speaking
You good for 10:20 tomorrow?
- Who is it?
- Testico, they want a sample.
a sample?
hang up the phone, hang up the...
hang up the phone
- hang on.
- hang up!
they want a sample?
- they want a sample?
- yeah
they wanna take our baby
- they can't take our baby!
- we sign a contract !
they own our baby!!
- Okay. We gotta get outta here
- Get the stuff, put it in the case,
and hurry!
Don't forget the breast pump
Listen!
It's Testico,
I think they've fucked the place
into the car...
hurry!
Ron, wait up!
Maniac!
A'ght, we're we going?
- New York ?
- Boring.
Mexico?
Really?
Vegas !
Vegas!
Yeah
Sin city!
Come on, get this popi going!
Vegas !
Oh, great!
All right...
we'll hide out in that bus there
Come on, Pete !
- Run, Pete !
- "Run".
- You wanna gimme a miscarriage?
-but you can at least hurry up, come on!
Come on, easy.
You take it esy
Ron, I like your C?sar salad
and some pea soup.
some bruschette, with mashed potatoes
I like your carrot-cake,
and the cheese-cake,
old Cheddar.
Ron, it's not just you anymore
it's gonna be three of us, we're family
I don't think you get that
Surprise, surprise.
One bag, let's do it!
that's good for a semi!
Oh, Oh...Ron!!
- I'm having a baby!
- uh? you are having a baby!!
- oh, man...oh, man
- okay, okay
oh, come on
Hurry, hurry
okay, okay
Okay
I think I've got the tip in!
oh!
Oh, my God!
3, 2, 1 and...
Push!
Okay, okay, okay
3, 2, 1, breathe
2, 3, 4, 5 and push...
Push!
you see? It just pottering!
- I'm cumming, I'm cumming
- What? No!
- it's coming
- push, push
Uh, you are great, baby
Uh, was incredible
that work for 6 seconds?
the 6 seconds of your life
Larry
Gasoline tablets
for better fuel efficiency and cars
why would they test the tablet?
for gas things, some cubic... It doesn't make sense!
- I know
- It doesn't make sense!
I know
I gotta tell ya, now that it's all over
I feel...a little empty
I think i was growing attached to the little guy
You're suffering for post-partum depression
Ya see, you haven't lost your sense of humor!
- you've been spent 15 00 $ on that...
- boga-bill, i know, i'm sorry...
I hadda have the boga-bill...
I hadda have the boga-bill...
Hello
it's Testico.
they wanted to know if we can coming
to test a new pill that's a thousand
times more powerful than LSD
- Ron?
- Right?
will do it