Tenspeed and Brown Shoe (1980): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Millionaire's Life - full transcript
E.L. gets his old partner, Mike McGill, to run a scam to pay Lionel with con money to keep the agency afloat. However, the fake crime that they set up uncovers a real one, and the crooks will do anything to keep it quiet.
Ow.
Listen, why don't I give you $1,000?
You want me to spy on this man?
I'm a member of the press.
I demand my rights.
- Do we want the mob involved?
- Yes!
That was a threat.
I need help.
I'd better get on this lead
before it cools.
It's six years old.
We're off to catch the bad guys.
Any idea how we might do that?
Giddy-giddy-gai.
"LA fit Mark Savage
like an old pair of sneakers.
It was a town with the personality
of a used Styrofoam cup
and a skyline as flat
as a marine sergeant's forehead.
The architects had all gone mad.
Roman columns held up geodesic domes,
Japanese pagoda roofs
were suspended over pool houses
and freeways dissected it
like random sword cuts
on a heaping mound of garbage
but it was a town
Savage could understand,
a place to check your bag and
your morality in the same bus locker.
It was a town where a private eye
couldn't help but make a living,
where you could find a case
lying outside your office
or stretched out in a bikini
by a heart-shaped pool.
It was a town
filled with seamy adventure,
where the police said
a crime occurred every 50 seconds."
Hey! Hey!
Please, please, I'm sorry.
Please, don't hit me again.
Hit you? I'm not his father.
He took my alarm clock.
I was eating and reading...
I'm a private detective on a case.
Pardon me.
Why did you do that?
It's dishonest to steal.
Hey, save that for the church picnic.
Let go of my arm.
No, look.
Don't you see that no matter
how hard things have been for you,
you mustn't leave your morality
checked in a bus locker?
You can't rip stuff off.
We're a society of laws.
Without laws, there is chaos.
What about the law that says
I've got to eat to stay alive?
Maybe you're hungry
and maybe stealing this clock
seems like a way to pay for a meal
but it leads to larger, bigger,
more dangerous crimes and...
and... uh-oh.
I'm sorry. Don't cry, please.
I haven't eaten for two days.
My mother ran away and my brother
beats me every time I come home.
If I give you this,
will you promise not to steal anymore?
Promise on your word of honour.
- Well, yes.
- Cross your heart?
It's the first nice thing anybody
has done for me in two whole weeks!
You're very welcome!
That's the nicest thing
that's happened to me all year.
- I have to say, I'm flattered.
- Flattered?
- Really flattered, Mr Hall.
- Thank you.
Now, if you did me,
when would the issue come out?
We're not saying "Millionaire's Life" is
featuring you on the cover, Davenport.
What we say is
we might be interested in featuring you.
We are the most prestigious magazine
in all of America
sent to only 300 millionaires.
If we decide to photograph you,
we can do it beside the pool.
We'd need two hours. What do you think?
Actually, Harrison, we did do the pool
thing with Christie O last summer.
Claude didn't like it too much.
Christie Onasis?
Have some caviar.
"LA fit Mark Savage
like an old pair of sneakers."
"It was a town with the personality
of a used Styrofoam cup"
"and a skyline as flat
as a marine sergeant's forehead."
"Roman columns held up geodesic domes,"
"Japanese pagoda roofs were suspended
over pool houses
and freeways dissected it
like random sword cuts
on a heaping mound of garbage
but it was a town
Savage could understand,
a place to check your bag and
your morality in the same bus locker.
It was a town where a private eye
couldn't help but make a living,
where you could find a case
lying in the gutter outside your office
or stretched out in a bikini
by a heart-shaped pool,
a town where the police said
a crime occurred every 50 seconds."
Hey, stop that!
You promised.
I can almost promise you
Millionaire of the Year.
Millionaire of the Year?
We pick the millionaire that represents
wealth and power in all fields -
charity, income management, family.
Well, I'm quite active in charities,
quite active.
- But I've always kept it to myself.
- I didn't know that.
That's probably 'cause you don't
plaster your name all over.
Did you do the research
in the charity angle, Mike?
Let me see now.
The Davenport Memorial Hospital.
Davenport Art Museum.
The Davenport Theatre
for the Performing Arts.
Do you know what I think? You should be
our December story, Mr Davenport.
Where else are we going to find
a man like you? You've done it all.
You're in the aerospace and let's face
it, that is the industry of today.
We can skip your early marriages.
Anybody can make a mistake there.
And the current Mrs Davenport,
well, to say the least,
she's extremely photogenic.
I think we have our December story,
Mike.
Wait, what about Grosvenor Matthews?
15 pages.
Excuse me. Did you say 15 pages?
Matthews, an automobile family,
committed to 15 pages
of automobile advertisement.
Suppose I buy 20 pages. How about that?
Actually, that's not a bad idea.
It's $1,000 a page but the rate does
drop to $500 for every page after 10.
I tell you what.
Why not give us $1,000
against the 20 pages
in case Clyde decides
to give you the cover?
- Fair enough.
- I think so.
While you're in Los Angeles, I insist
that you use our company apartment.
It's the penthouse, Century Park West,
apartment 4P.
You've met my executive assistant,
Mark Trousdale.
Give these gentlemen
the key to our executive apartment.
A Mercedes goes with it. The key is
in the kitchen. No-one is using it.
That's mighty nice of you. It's very
kind but you don't have to do that.
Well, if you insist.
We had this guy for $15,000
and you ask him for $1,000.
What is the matter with you?
The only reason I pulled
this scam out of the closet
is because Lionel and I are going under,
we need the cash.
- We had the cash. We had this guy.
- I know.
He was breathing so hard
his teeth were dry.
I mean, it is disgusting to let a mark
like that off the hook this way.
Rub it in. You got the address?
Just be there at 2pm. Second floor.
Lionel Whitney Agency. I'll be there.
- Do what I told you.
- Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
Whitney can't pay rent,
he'll fold his private eye company.
- Right?
- Right.
You pull this millionaire magazine scam
off the shelf and we get the money.
Instead of paying the landlord
the office rent,
you want me to go down and hire Whitney,
pay him this money to research the case.
Exactly.
One question.
What's that?
Why?
You've money. Why not pay the rent?
Because if I show up with $1,000,
he'll know I scammed it.
- He won't take it.
- What is he? Stupid?
I used to think that too
but he has principles.
He's stupid.
No, it's very close to being stupid
but it's not the same thing.
You see, let me be honest with you,
Scoop.
That business means everything to him
and if it goes under, it will take him
with it, I can't allow that to happen,
show up at two o'clock with money
and the story I gave you.
- E.L.
- What?
You sound just like a mark.
I don't believe it. A mark. Whoo!
- What's so funny?
- That's him.
That's your partner, the tall
in the coat with the footage counter.
- He's working on a case.
- On a case?
- On a case.
- Measuring skidmarks.
Well, you guys are really living life
in the fast lane.
- Two o'clock?
- Two o'clock.
- Want to leave the money?
- Good idea.
- Look, take care of that, OK?
- You got it.
Hey! I see you're hitting the skids.
Wait a minute. Counting. 27.
I say, "Hey, buddy, see you hitting
the skids," you're doing skidmark work,
I say,
"Hey. See you hitting the skids."
That's very funny. Let's see. 27ft.
That's what? Oh, look at this.
He was really moving, this guy,
maybe 40 miles an hour.
- Whammo. Right.
- Lionel.
You can trace the accident by looking
at the rubber marks...
Lionel!
Measuring the impact marks on the tree.
- I calibrated. Really fascinating.
- Hey, buddy!
I found some blue chips of paint here.
Lionel, would you wait a minute?
Just wait a minute.
This is wrong. It's wrong for us.
Doing piecework for an insurance
company. Come on.
- It's not the Mark Savage tradition.
- I know. You think I like it?
But it does pay the bills.
This is what we do.
Where is that stormed-tossed client
clutching her satin bag
looking at us through hope-filled eyes?
Where's the murky enemy
you're always talking about
sneering at us promising to change
our luck with 3 ounces of coal?
I hope you're not making fun of me.
I'm trying to tell you
your client's a computer.
These skidmarks get fed into a terminal.
They spit out a penalty
on some schmuck
who had a couple too many,
fell asleep at the wheel.
It's wrong! Savage would spit
on a case like this.
We're going to get thrown out
of the office.
Do you know how long
I dreamed of having one?
I looked at it 5 times before
I leased it and then that first day
when I had the man come and paint
our names on the glass...
And I just can't let it go down
the drain, that's all.
Lionel. Lionel. Do you believe
in astrological collisions?
Of course not.
I don't even know what they are.
I knew you were going to say that.
I looked this up.
Your solar moon is on its apex,
passing through the reverse sign.
You're about to receive
some positive energy.
Check this out.
My solar moon is passing
through your negative side
causing your apex to widen forcing us
into an area of opportunity.
Opportunity is waiting for us
in our office now. Probably.
I took my lunch hour. One hour, no more,
no less. Now I'm back on the case.
Don't do this. Please don't do this.
Look, I know how much
you want to do this Mark Savage thing.
Seeing you out here running this sucker
up and down these damn skidmarks,
well, man...
it breaks my heart.
You like me, you really do.
OK, I like you. I like you.
Let's not drown ourselves in seltzers.
I'll help you pack up this.
Coming, Mom!
Come on, buddy. Hey, buddy!
Lionel.
I can smell it coming. It's on us
like a warm wind on a summer's day.
Opportunity is going to come
right through that door.
The phones and the answering service
are extra.
We're just getting started. We only want
the office for accounting and payroll.
Mr Baschnagel...
That...
There are still two days on the lease.
I'll get the money.
Here they are, Sam Spade and his
associate, the Electric Mouse.
What will you do about the chlorine gas
leak out of Dr Greenburg's laboratory?
Whitney's out of intensive care.
He could have been
seriously injured or killed.
It's OK. It's OK.
Come on. Don't try to scare these guys.
Look, you just do like the doctor said.
You go inside and kick your feet up
and take your medicine every four hours.
I hope it doesn't happen again.
We'll cancel our lease and move
and if you want this place, you got it.
Come on, buddy. Excuse us,
please. Get out the way, guys.
It's over, E.L.
That's about the last straw.
We can't renew the lease.
We are already in hock.
The Lionel Whitney Agency is,
as the saying goes, down for the count.
- Very funny.
- What?
Very funny. Takes me 2 hours
to convince them.
You screw it up in two seconds.
This is a private office
which you rent to us.
You're not permitted to show it
until we're officially terminated.
Oh, yeah?
It's in the lease. Read it.
Now get lost.
Turkey.
Fine.
Let's make him as angry as we can.
Let's close off any chance
of his letting us stay.
Boy, I had such dreams.
Look, buddy,
those dreams can still happen.
No. Who would hire us now?
Nobody's going to knock on our door.
It's him. That's the client.
It's probably Dr Greenburg with chlorine
gas to put us out of our misery.
No-one likes a dying fish slam his tail
on the dock. It gets on your nerves.
One more time, do it for me.
- Hi.
- Yes? What can I do for you?
I'm looking for Lionel Whitney,
Detective.
My name is Mike McGill.
Yes, I'm Lionel Whitney.
- Why don't you come in, Mr...?
- McGill.
McGill, yes. What can we do for you?
- Well, I like your coat.
- I like yours.
Well, well. Won't you sit down?
What can we do to be of service?
Start at the beginning. Tell us
everything. Let's be friends.
I may take some notes.
Talk to me about anything.
The smallest point
could be the most important.
Tell us what's on your mind.
I'm a writer. Scoop McGill is my trade
name. You may have heard of me.
I broke those stories on the California
land development fraud two years ago.
- I was up for a Pulitzer on that one.
- Yes, I remember, I think.
The land fraud articles, yes.
Well, I'm doing an article
on Chase Davenport, the millionaire,
and I need someone
to research his background.
I'm not going to do a puff piece.
I want to do a piece
of insightful investigative reporting.
Has he done committed some crime?
I don't know. That's why I'm hiring you.
I want this to be a hard-hitting piece.
I want to dig up some dirt on him.
Those fat cats always hide something.
Let me get this straight,
you want us, the agency that is,
to dig up some dirt
on this Mr Davenport?
Find his mistress or his Swiss bank
account? Pin his ears to the wall?
You're right on the money. I like that.
Why don't I give you say $1,000
just on account, to get things going?
You want me to spy on this man
and uncover his personal life?
Take it easy, Whit.
- To dig dirt? To ruin his reputation?
- Calm down.
You calm down.
We don't do that kind of work.
We're not in the character assassination
business. We help people.
We try in our own futile way
to right a wrong or two.
That's what being a private detective
is all about. Tell him.
That's right, Mr McGill.
Take your money and get out
of here before I throw you out.
It's no skin off my nose.
I'm just trying to get a story.
Just get out of here
and don't come back.
Alright, I don't think I will.
You finally understand, don't you?
Yeah, I think so.
Let me tell you how I see it.
- That $1,000 would have saved us.
- Right.
If we've got to do it
at the expense of another,
by wrecking another life,
it's not worth it.
That's exactly right.
We have to keep our finger in the dyke
holding back our own personal stream
of bad guys.
But if McGill was in trouble
or in danger or if Davenport...
That would be different.
Then we'd help him no matter who he was.
Of course. I'll get it, Whit.
Whitney Agency.
E.L. Turner speaking.
Where did you find that guy?
He's right out of "Detective Digest."
Yes. Yes.
Would you like to speak to him?
OK. Put him on. Here comes act two.
The guy wouldn't give his name.
President of Whitney
Investigation speaking.
Hey, Whitney,
don't work for no Scoop McGill.
He's already marked to get it.
You take that case, you get it too.
You got it?
- E.L, that was a threat.
- A what?
A threat. The guy said
not to work for McGill.
That means McGill's in danger.
He doesn't know it.
Maybe he deserves to be investigated.
- You may be right.
- What should we do?
We should...
We should...
- We should take the case.
- Sure?
- Absolutely.
- I'll try to find him.
Hey, McGill, we changed our mind.
We'll be right down.
OK, Mr McGill,
I think you should be careful.
Whatever you've been investigating
must have turned up something.
I had an instinct about him,
something more behind his eyes.
Maybe a syndicate tie-up.
Maybe Mr Big in his path.
Mr Big possibly.
We'll do what we can to find out.
In the meantime,
I'd advise you to change your room
and be very careful but as of now,
we are, as the saying goes...
on the case.
we've been expecting you.
A Mercedes goes with the apartment.
Mr Davenport wanted you to have it
while you're with us.
Hello, hello.
Hello!
Perfect.
Love it. Much, much better.
I'll get to you later.
Mm. Bleu 1973.
I'll get to you later too.
What's this?
I'm conducting an inspection
for the insurance company.
If it's an inconvenient time,
I'll be back later.
You ain't going to do no article
on Davenport, OK?
He ain't gonna be no cover story
on no December "Millionaire".
OK.
You know we're serious,
we'll give you a bump you can finger
if you have second thoughts.
Excuse me.
There will be no second thoughts.
We're using Rockefeller
on the December issue.
- Who needs Davenport?
- Just to be on the safe side.
Where do you want it?
Ribs? Back of the head?
Come on, guys.
I'm trying to be nice.
You want me to choose?
Look, well...
Maybe the ribs.
- Ribs.
- Ribs.
Lionel.
"I've got a hot lead. I'm on the case."
Great.
Come on, answer, buddy.
What have I done?
Holy-moly! Look what the cat dragged in.
Hey, hey. It's Whit.
Hi, Whit. How are you?
Lionel Whitney, how's it going?
Outstanding.
It hasn't been the same since you quit.
- How are you, honey?
- I'm fine.
It's good to see you all.
Look at this guy. He's Sam Speed.
He's got the trench coat.
Where's the gun?
We don't carry guns unless...
What?
Lionel, I mean, do you always wear
that coat? That coat is outstanding.
No, I picked this up at the cleaner.
I didn't want to leave it in the car,
the window is broken.
It's good to see you!
I've got to get back
to the old tickertape.
Lionel, you look outstanding.
Out-damn-standing.
You too, Milton.
I'm supposed to have lunch
with Timothy Fanning. Is he around?
Who knows where he is? Probably
in the dungeon looking at research.
We let him up for exercise periods
10 and two. See you. Hey, love the coat.
Love the coat.
Hey...
don't be such a stranger.
Yes, my case log
has just been outstanding.
I've been so busy.
Outstanding, Lionel.
Really outstanding.
- See you.
- See you.
Lionel. Hey.
Boy, are the Lakers doing it?
The Lakers, yes, the Lakers.
How are you, Tim?
Gold's up, dollar's down.
Crazy world's going round and round.
Still doing the poems. Great.
All the king's horses and all the king's
men couldn't get you 15K.
- Did you get the stuff I asked for?
- Is Marco Polo using an aluminium pole?
Lionel! You look outstanding.
How is that detective agency thing
going?
- Very well, sir.
- That's outstanding.
This is incredible, really incredible.
Let's not give it
the old Mickey mouth.
What we're talking about here
is rumours and we spell rumours in caps.
Mr Davenport's systems
could be some subsidiary of the mob.
Shh. Come on. Keep your voice down.
Look, all I'm saying is that some guys
who are represented by Stanley Carmen
made a run on DSS six years ago.
We know Stanley Carmen
is more than a little chummy
with the guys in the black gloves.
So who knows how it turned out?
The SEC started an investigation.
We suspended trading
of that stock for 2 weeks.
The feds came in
like six cowboys after a coyote
and before you say:
"Which way to the men's room?"
everything was back to normal.
Due to the space contracts, they
wouldn't want that company to go under.
Plus half the brokers of Gray Johnson.
Thanks, Tim. I had better get
on this lead before it cools.
Cools? It's six years old.
Yes, well, anyway...
Hey, look, what about the Lakers?
I've still got the same old seats.
Every home game, me, Murry and Smith
there drinking beer, raising hell.
- Why don't you join us like old times?
- Oh, well, yes, of course.
Remember when I rolled that ham ball
down the steps
and it bounced
all the way down to the court?
Man, that was a stitch, really a stitch.
- I thought we'd never stop laughing.
- That was a marvellous caper.
It's great to see you, Whit.
Love the coat. It's outstanding.
Thank you.
Hey, Whit. How you doing, buddy?
Hey! What are you doing here?
I stopped by your apartment.
Your manager told me you were here,
I thought I'd walk on over.
10,000-mile check-up.
The loan car's around the corner.
Wait till you hear what I've got,
until you see this.
I've been doing some thinking.
We should pull back
and take a hard look at this thing.
Somebody has got to get out
there and measure those skidmarks
and the more I think about it,
the more I've been saying to myself...
Accidents on our highways cause more
deaths than all the wars put together.
Yes. I think Chase Davenport
might have been involved with the mob.
We need to get those drunks
off the highway.
We could make a positive statement,
save the lives of mothers,
babies and puppies.
- What are you saying?
- We should drop the Davenport case.
But you...
you seemed so positive.
You wanted this case.
Let's do our thing for
highway safety. What's wrong with that?
I think I'm onto something here. I have
the reason McGill's being threatened.
Let me take a look at it.
Uh-huh. There's nothing here.
- You have no case.
- What do you mean?
It's a bunch of rumours, speculations,
prevarications and denunciations.
In other words, hogwash.
- What?
- Where's your car? Come on.
Around the corner.
But we can't just pull out.
- Why not?
- Why not?
I think McGill's a con artist. He works
for a rag called "Millionaire's Life."
- "Millionaire's Life?"
- Yeah, that's right.
My friend gave me this. It's a scam.
How it works is this - you sell a
millionaire on the idea of the cover.
You write a puff piece on it.
He reads it, is flattered,
orders 1,000 copies, 10 bucks each.
3 grand for print cost.
You score about 7 grand.
Then there's the advertisement con...
I can't believe
he would be involved in this.
- It takes your breath away, doesn't it?
- He should be busted.
No, you see, what makes this scam
so terrific well, maybe not so...
Whatever.
Is that, it's not illegal.
All you gotta do is purchase 300 copies,
sell them to a millionaire
so it's a legitimate thing.
Have you run this scam?
Me run a chicken little scam like this?
It's strictly short con.
- I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
- Don't insult me like this.
- Sorry.
McGill's just a con man.
What do we do with the $1,000?
I used most of it to pay for the office.
- I'll take care of that.
- Doesn't this take the cake?
He lied to us. We ought to give him
a piece of our mind.
That's what I'll do, give him a piece
of our mind. You don't have to come.
I'll drop off this case but not before
I confront this man with what I know.
- I mean it.
- Is this yours?
- Yes.
- I'll drive.
How did you get here?
I'm going for the economy ride.
Getting back to reality.
Taking the straight and narrow.
This is the worst piece of junk
I've seen.
You drive it or you peddle it?
"Millionaire's Life." What a cad.
What a lowlife. Then he wants us to...
Why did he hire us?
Good question. You can ask him.
It's right over here.
He said he wanted us to dig up dirt.
He wouldn't buy these magazines
unless they're complimentary.
Why would he want us to dig up dirt?
- Good question.
- No, but why?
The world is full of trickery.
Things like this happen.
Don't make such a big deal of it.
- Wait a minute.
- What?
We were threatened. That phone call.
What if Davenport's Space system's
really a mob-owned company?
Do we want the mob involved
in our space program?
Yes! I've seen them put a guy into space
using a Louisville Slugger.
It's cheap,
gives a whole new look.
- What?
- A whole new look to the program.
Are you up to something?
Uh-oh. It's too late.
Scoop?
Small world, isn't it?
We can come back later.
I am instructed...
Ow.
Stop it! Stop it!
Somebody call 911.
Call the police. Somebody!
I'm not going to do that.
They are too big for me.
Come on. Hurry up.
- Why didn't you do something?
- Huh?
You just stood there
while I got punched silly.
What happened
to that good old Japanese karate?
The knee and elbow.
No, you just stood there
while they took punch practice.
I couldn't use it.
I didn't finish my warning.
Is that what it is?
Without the warning,
karate can never be used.
You're hopeless, you know that?
Hopeless.
Get off me.
I lost a tooth.
Scoop.
Scoop?
Scoop.
Scoop!
Then? You rang the doorbell
and these guys started swinging at you?
Yes. We should say we're private...
Solicitors.
Solicitors for the brotherhood
of the Christian life.
See, Officer Morehead, this is the type
of thing that I was about to say.
You see, I feel that humanity is moving
into chaos and self-destruction,
and only through love and patience
and the guidance of our Lord
will we eventually find our salvation
and peace in a cosmic universe.
Yeah, OK.
It's easy to turn your back
on the Almighty,
because he doesn't ask
where you've been,
only what you will become.
And then he asks
that you look deep down into your soul
and explore the wonders of your spirit
and join hands with the brotherhood...
OK, I got the message.
You come to the station tomorrow
to sign the statement.
Yes, Officer.
Just embrace the Almighty.
Join hands with the brotherhood
of the crusade of the freedom
of the spirit.
That was the most disgusting display
I've ever seen.
I had to. You were about to give him
the "We're private detectives" rap.
Preaching is a proven technique.
Cops feel guilty, then they disappear.
- It's a preach-off.
- Proven by who?
Whitefeather, 1945, he preached
his way out of a Kansas City jail.
What now? Are we on this case or off it?
You have a lot of questions
to answer, a lot of questions.
When we'd get around to that.
Let's get out of here.
So, that's what happened. You... you ran
this scam. You're Harrison Hall Jr.
Harrison Hall III. You give yourself
a Junior, never works.
Stop! I don't want to hear another word.
I was trying to save your business.
Save it with deceptions
and con games and lies?
No, with money.
OK.
OK, I was wrong.
But let me tell you something, Lionel,
I did it for you.
I'm not asking you to forgive me,
just have a little understanding.
I was trying to be a friend.
I wanted to give you something
like you're always talking about,
a Mark Savage case.
What do I do?
I end up getting Scoop beaten up.
Maybe it's not that bad, E.L.
Yes. When am I going to learn that lying
and scamming only makes things worse?
When am I going to learn
that you're right...
and I'm wrong?
- When am I going to wise up?
- No, you're not wrong.
It's easy for you to say,
but look at me.
I'm sitting around
on a bunch of lies and dishonesty.
You know, Scoop and I go way back.
I know one time, we took down
this numbers guy in New York.
Scored 20 grand.
Old Scoop blew his entire half on a trip
to Disney World. Do you believe that?
His entire half,
went for a little rides on little carts
where little frogs and gremlins
just leap out of the shadows at you.
And now...
- Look, maybe we can solve this case.
- Yeah.
As the saying goes, catch the bad guys.
Or, catch a permanent case
of rigor mortis.
Suppose the guys in black gloves
own Chase Davenport's company.
The what?
The night crawlers who run up a tally
of death at the expense of innocents.
- The mob?
- Yes. Maybe we can prove it.
I think LA is a town with
the personality of a used Styrofoam cup.
Crooks are multiplying faster
than good guys.
We can get our teeth into this case.
You don't stumble across a broken bard
who has been hit by LA progress.
- Let's go.
- We're on the case.
- Trench coat.
- My trench coat. Outstanding.
We're off to catch the bad guys.
And how we might do that?
- Isn't this dangerous?
- Not if you do what you're supposed to.
- But...
- Stop with the buts!
I got us into this mess and for your
sake and Scoop's, I'm gonna clean it up.
- Call it a character improvement lesson.
- What can I do?
You can look deep down
into your soul,
join hands with the brotherhood for the
crusade for the freedom of the spirit.
Pledge your soul to the Almighty.
- Are you trying to preach me off?
- Yeah. Now get.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Of course you do, Mr Davenport.
I never write a story without research.
That on you has been devastating,
As I don't believe
in disguised journalistic hatchet jobs,
I have to confront you about this
and I want some answers.
Alright, now, are you secretly financed
by Stanley Carmen?
Is your company an underworld front?
Is Davenport's system a wholly-owned
subsidiary of the syndicate?
- Mark.
- I told you this could happen, Chase.
Then it's true. My research is correct.
Well, I leave you now, gentlemen.
I intend to call Clyde at the magazine
and let him know what I have learned
and then I intend to publish the expose.
I must say, at long last, after 20 years
of journalistic ditch-digging,
I think I'm finally...
on my way to a Pulitzer.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Stand aside. I am a member of the press.
I demand my First Amendment rights.
What do you want us to do with him,
Mark?
Fill the car up.
We're going to take Mr Hall
and show him our lemon groves.
You will hear about it!
You can't do it to people!
I don't like lemon groves!
I don't like lemonade!
You fellas are making a big mistake.
You see, I don't operate in a vacuum.
"Millionaire's Life"
is a wholly-owned subsidiary
of Magazine Publishers International.
You take on such a company
and you're asking for lots of ink
on your forehead.
Shut up. Stop talking.
OK, alright, fellas,
I'm the only one who knows about this
and Scoop isn't going to say anything,
so what if we go with the original story
where we build Chase right up there
with the Rockefellers and the Forbes?
I've got a better idea.
I like it even better.
What do you say we make Davenport
the Millionaire of the Next Decade?
Yeah.
Sort of economical pick to click.
What do you say?
You are going to shut your yap or I'm
going to have to do you right here.
Here in the car? Kind of messy.
Depends on how you do it.
Now, do you want to shut up?
I'll be quiet for a while now.
My brother is Morgan Walton,
US Congressman.
You've probably heard of him.
He's with...
without being too graphic,
it's safe to say that my brother
can really put you out of business
forever, if you get my drift.
Did I tell you that he is on the
Organised Crime Committee in the house?
This is Lionel Whitney.
I'm a private detective on a case.
I need police assistance two miles south
of Hawk Crossroad on Highway 1.
No, assistance, police assistance.
Help, I need help.
Yes, immediately. Thank you.
OK, alright. Wait a minute. Wait.
Get him out.
You know, let's talk a whole new deal,
OK?
Let's talk about you guys
winning our magazine mailing contest.
Now, we have several
other magazine circulations.
We have "Animal Life".
We have "Big Bear Valley".
That's a ski gourmet type of thing.
Now, you could win
our Animal Album Sweepstakes.
You may think I'm talking peanuts here
but we're talking about 55 grand
plus a trip to Alaska where you get
to have a free hunting trip
with Koomanu, our Eskimo guide.
- You've probably seen him.
- Shut him up.
Wait a minute! Just wait a minute.
Murder is just one of your several
very attractive options here.
Has anyone stopped to think
that this may be just a scam?
A scam like...
Get him up on the bank
and then check the road for traffic.
Do you know who I am?
Do any of you know?
I am Springer Mendelssohn,
all-pro wide receiver for five years.
You can't go killing some national-known
celebrity in open field.
They're all going to hear about this.
Wait a minute!
There're no lemon trees.
Ribs. Ribs.
Ribs.
The warning!
I'm instructed to warn you:
I've a black belt in karate.
Where are the cops?
You're supposed to bring the cops.
- Give me the gun.
- I'll flag them down.
- That was too close.
- We did it. We solved the case.
- We'll give them to the authorities.
- Give them to them.
Over here! Over here!
Over here!
Wonderful.
"Davenport's attorney hinted
at the possibility of a lawsuit
against the private detective firm
of Lionel Whitney and Associate
who, the millionaire claims,
invaded his privacy
in their attempt to expose what appears
to be a syndicate connection.
Questioned on this, Whitney,
president of the firm, said,
'LA is my town, where a private eye
can stick his finger
in the dyke of criminal
'justice and hold back
his own personal stream of bad guys.'
Further, he stated that a private eye
has to take a chance to solve a crime,
that right and wrong
are still the only issues at stake
and that he and his associate will
unite to pursue the forces of evil."
This makes me sound like Kato.
- Shh.
- Sh.
"Savage was a guy who knew
what he was after and worked to get it.
Yeah, LA was his town.
He loved the grit and grime because
he was in the clean-up business.
He swept dirt wherever he found it
and every now and then,
he felt he was making progress.
The pearl in the clamshell holster
had been a wonderful liar,
with a rich, soft voice and eyes
that would melt a gravedigger's soul
but under it all,
she was just one more piece of glitter,
one more wrong
in a world too full of wrongs,
one more pearl that Mark Savage knew
was made of paste.
He was tired.
Terribly, terribly tired.
He wondered
how long he could keep swinging,
if he could take one more case,
one more disappointment.
He didn't think he could.
And then the phone rang
and with a tired but resolute arm,
he picked it up
and he heard himself say,
'Mark Savage, private eye.
How may I help you?"'
- Finished?
- Yeah.
The paper says
Davenport's going to sue us.
Look, we're on the side of good
and that means we'll win.
I thought you were beginning
to understand that.
- You said you're beginning to see it.
- Yeah and I am.
You're saying we must maintain our
stance of right no matter what happens,
fight the forces of evil no matter what,
and I should help you pursue this quest.
- You do understand.
- I do. You don't have to worry about me.
- I've learnt my lesson.
- Terrific.
Now we can go on
and work more as a team,
understand what our goals are
together in concert and understanding.
Reading off the same page,
seeing through the same eye.
You know, I like it, Lionel.
I like it.
That's right.
Uh!
Stop him! Stop him! Thief! Stop him!
Oh, give the poor kid a break.
He's just working the park.
- What are you doing?
- I have to paddle.
What do you mean paddle? Stop!
Leave the kid alone! Would you stop it?
Listen, why don't I give you $1,000?
You want me to spy on this man?
I'm a member of the press.
I demand my rights.
- Do we want the mob involved?
- Yes!
That was a threat.
I need help.
I'd better get on this lead
before it cools.
It's six years old.
We're off to catch the bad guys.
Any idea how we might do that?
Giddy-giddy-gai.
"LA fit Mark Savage
like an old pair of sneakers.
It was a town with the personality
of a used Styrofoam cup
and a skyline as flat
as a marine sergeant's forehead.
The architects had all gone mad.
Roman columns held up geodesic domes,
Japanese pagoda roofs
were suspended over pool houses
and freeways dissected it
like random sword cuts
on a heaping mound of garbage
but it was a town
Savage could understand,
a place to check your bag and
your morality in the same bus locker.
It was a town where a private eye
couldn't help but make a living,
where you could find a case
lying outside your office
or stretched out in a bikini
by a heart-shaped pool.
It was a town
filled with seamy adventure,
where the police said
a crime occurred every 50 seconds."
Hey! Hey!
Please, please, I'm sorry.
Please, don't hit me again.
Hit you? I'm not his father.
He took my alarm clock.
I was eating and reading...
I'm a private detective on a case.
Pardon me.
Why did you do that?
It's dishonest to steal.
Hey, save that for the church picnic.
Let go of my arm.
No, look.
Don't you see that no matter
how hard things have been for you,
you mustn't leave your morality
checked in a bus locker?
You can't rip stuff off.
We're a society of laws.
Without laws, there is chaos.
What about the law that says
I've got to eat to stay alive?
Maybe you're hungry
and maybe stealing this clock
seems like a way to pay for a meal
but it leads to larger, bigger,
more dangerous crimes and...
and... uh-oh.
I'm sorry. Don't cry, please.
I haven't eaten for two days.
My mother ran away and my brother
beats me every time I come home.
If I give you this,
will you promise not to steal anymore?
Promise on your word of honour.
- Well, yes.
- Cross your heart?
It's the first nice thing anybody
has done for me in two whole weeks!
You're very welcome!
That's the nicest thing
that's happened to me all year.
- I have to say, I'm flattered.
- Flattered?
- Really flattered, Mr Hall.
- Thank you.
Now, if you did me,
when would the issue come out?
We're not saying "Millionaire's Life" is
featuring you on the cover, Davenport.
What we say is
we might be interested in featuring you.
We are the most prestigious magazine
in all of America
sent to only 300 millionaires.
If we decide to photograph you,
we can do it beside the pool.
We'd need two hours. What do you think?
Actually, Harrison, we did do the pool
thing with Christie O last summer.
Claude didn't like it too much.
Christie Onasis?
Have some caviar.
"LA fit Mark Savage
like an old pair of sneakers."
"It was a town with the personality
of a used Styrofoam cup"
"and a skyline as flat
as a marine sergeant's forehead."
"Roman columns held up geodesic domes,"
"Japanese pagoda roofs were suspended
over pool houses
and freeways dissected it
like random sword cuts
on a heaping mound of garbage
but it was a town
Savage could understand,
a place to check your bag and
your morality in the same bus locker.
It was a town where a private eye
couldn't help but make a living,
where you could find a case
lying in the gutter outside your office
or stretched out in a bikini
by a heart-shaped pool,
a town where the police said
a crime occurred every 50 seconds."
Hey, stop that!
You promised.
I can almost promise you
Millionaire of the Year.
Millionaire of the Year?
We pick the millionaire that represents
wealth and power in all fields -
charity, income management, family.
Well, I'm quite active in charities,
quite active.
- But I've always kept it to myself.
- I didn't know that.
That's probably 'cause you don't
plaster your name all over.
Did you do the research
in the charity angle, Mike?
Let me see now.
The Davenport Memorial Hospital.
Davenport Art Museum.
The Davenport Theatre
for the Performing Arts.
Do you know what I think? You should be
our December story, Mr Davenport.
Where else are we going to find
a man like you? You've done it all.
You're in the aerospace and let's face
it, that is the industry of today.
We can skip your early marriages.
Anybody can make a mistake there.
And the current Mrs Davenport,
well, to say the least,
she's extremely photogenic.
I think we have our December story,
Mike.
Wait, what about Grosvenor Matthews?
15 pages.
Excuse me. Did you say 15 pages?
Matthews, an automobile family,
committed to 15 pages
of automobile advertisement.
Suppose I buy 20 pages. How about that?
Actually, that's not a bad idea.
It's $1,000 a page but the rate does
drop to $500 for every page after 10.
I tell you what.
Why not give us $1,000
against the 20 pages
in case Clyde decides
to give you the cover?
- Fair enough.
- I think so.
While you're in Los Angeles, I insist
that you use our company apartment.
It's the penthouse, Century Park West,
apartment 4P.
You've met my executive assistant,
Mark Trousdale.
Give these gentlemen
the key to our executive apartment.
A Mercedes goes with it. The key is
in the kitchen. No-one is using it.
That's mighty nice of you. It's very
kind but you don't have to do that.
Well, if you insist.
We had this guy for $15,000
and you ask him for $1,000.
What is the matter with you?
The only reason I pulled
this scam out of the closet
is because Lionel and I are going under,
we need the cash.
- We had the cash. We had this guy.
- I know.
He was breathing so hard
his teeth were dry.
I mean, it is disgusting to let a mark
like that off the hook this way.
Rub it in. You got the address?
Just be there at 2pm. Second floor.
Lionel Whitney Agency. I'll be there.
- Do what I told you.
- Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
Whitney can't pay rent,
he'll fold his private eye company.
- Right?
- Right.
You pull this millionaire magazine scam
off the shelf and we get the money.
Instead of paying the landlord
the office rent,
you want me to go down and hire Whitney,
pay him this money to research the case.
Exactly.
One question.
What's that?
Why?
You've money. Why not pay the rent?
Because if I show up with $1,000,
he'll know I scammed it.
- He won't take it.
- What is he? Stupid?
I used to think that too
but he has principles.
He's stupid.
No, it's very close to being stupid
but it's not the same thing.
You see, let me be honest with you,
Scoop.
That business means everything to him
and if it goes under, it will take him
with it, I can't allow that to happen,
show up at two o'clock with money
and the story I gave you.
- E.L.
- What?
You sound just like a mark.
I don't believe it. A mark. Whoo!
- What's so funny?
- That's him.
That's your partner, the tall
in the coat with the footage counter.
- He's working on a case.
- On a case?
- On a case.
- Measuring skidmarks.
Well, you guys are really living life
in the fast lane.
- Two o'clock?
- Two o'clock.
- Want to leave the money?
- Good idea.
- Look, take care of that, OK?
- You got it.
Hey! I see you're hitting the skids.
Wait a minute. Counting. 27.
I say, "Hey, buddy, see you hitting
the skids," you're doing skidmark work,
I say,
"Hey. See you hitting the skids."
That's very funny. Let's see. 27ft.
That's what? Oh, look at this.
He was really moving, this guy,
maybe 40 miles an hour.
- Whammo. Right.
- Lionel.
You can trace the accident by looking
at the rubber marks...
Lionel!
Measuring the impact marks on the tree.
- I calibrated. Really fascinating.
- Hey, buddy!
I found some blue chips of paint here.
Lionel, would you wait a minute?
Just wait a minute.
This is wrong. It's wrong for us.
Doing piecework for an insurance
company. Come on.
- It's not the Mark Savage tradition.
- I know. You think I like it?
But it does pay the bills.
This is what we do.
Where is that stormed-tossed client
clutching her satin bag
looking at us through hope-filled eyes?
Where's the murky enemy
you're always talking about
sneering at us promising to change
our luck with 3 ounces of coal?
I hope you're not making fun of me.
I'm trying to tell you
your client's a computer.
These skidmarks get fed into a terminal.
They spit out a penalty
on some schmuck
who had a couple too many,
fell asleep at the wheel.
It's wrong! Savage would spit
on a case like this.
We're going to get thrown out
of the office.
Do you know how long
I dreamed of having one?
I looked at it 5 times before
I leased it and then that first day
when I had the man come and paint
our names on the glass...
And I just can't let it go down
the drain, that's all.
Lionel. Lionel. Do you believe
in astrological collisions?
Of course not.
I don't even know what they are.
I knew you were going to say that.
I looked this up.
Your solar moon is on its apex,
passing through the reverse sign.
You're about to receive
some positive energy.
Check this out.
My solar moon is passing
through your negative side
causing your apex to widen forcing us
into an area of opportunity.
Opportunity is waiting for us
in our office now. Probably.
I took my lunch hour. One hour, no more,
no less. Now I'm back on the case.
Don't do this. Please don't do this.
Look, I know how much
you want to do this Mark Savage thing.
Seeing you out here running this sucker
up and down these damn skidmarks,
well, man...
it breaks my heart.
You like me, you really do.
OK, I like you. I like you.
Let's not drown ourselves in seltzers.
I'll help you pack up this.
Coming, Mom!
Come on, buddy. Hey, buddy!
Lionel.
I can smell it coming. It's on us
like a warm wind on a summer's day.
Opportunity is going to come
right through that door.
The phones and the answering service
are extra.
We're just getting started. We only want
the office for accounting and payroll.
Mr Baschnagel...
That...
There are still two days on the lease.
I'll get the money.
Here they are, Sam Spade and his
associate, the Electric Mouse.
What will you do about the chlorine gas
leak out of Dr Greenburg's laboratory?
Whitney's out of intensive care.
He could have been
seriously injured or killed.
It's OK. It's OK.
Come on. Don't try to scare these guys.
Look, you just do like the doctor said.
You go inside and kick your feet up
and take your medicine every four hours.
I hope it doesn't happen again.
We'll cancel our lease and move
and if you want this place, you got it.
Come on, buddy. Excuse us,
please. Get out the way, guys.
It's over, E.L.
That's about the last straw.
We can't renew the lease.
We are already in hock.
The Lionel Whitney Agency is,
as the saying goes, down for the count.
- Very funny.
- What?
Very funny. Takes me 2 hours
to convince them.
You screw it up in two seconds.
This is a private office
which you rent to us.
You're not permitted to show it
until we're officially terminated.
Oh, yeah?
It's in the lease. Read it.
Now get lost.
Turkey.
Fine.
Let's make him as angry as we can.
Let's close off any chance
of his letting us stay.
Boy, I had such dreams.
Look, buddy,
those dreams can still happen.
No. Who would hire us now?
Nobody's going to knock on our door.
It's him. That's the client.
It's probably Dr Greenburg with chlorine
gas to put us out of our misery.
No-one likes a dying fish slam his tail
on the dock. It gets on your nerves.
One more time, do it for me.
- Hi.
- Yes? What can I do for you?
I'm looking for Lionel Whitney,
Detective.
My name is Mike McGill.
Yes, I'm Lionel Whitney.
- Why don't you come in, Mr...?
- McGill.
McGill, yes. What can we do for you?
- Well, I like your coat.
- I like yours.
Well, well. Won't you sit down?
What can we do to be of service?
Start at the beginning. Tell us
everything. Let's be friends.
I may take some notes.
Talk to me about anything.
The smallest point
could be the most important.
Tell us what's on your mind.
I'm a writer. Scoop McGill is my trade
name. You may have heard of me.
I broke those stories on the California
land development fraud two years ago.
- I was up for a Pulitzer on that one.
- Yes, I remember, I think.
The land fraud articles, yes.
Well, I'm doing an article
on Chase Davenport, the millionaire,
and I need someone
to research his background.
I'm not going to do a puff piece.
I want to do a piece
of insightful investigative reporting.
Has he done committed some crime?
I don't know. That's why I'm hiring you.
I want this to be a hard-hitting piece.
I want to dig up some dirt on him.
Those fat cats always hide something.
Let me get this straight,
you want us, the agency that is,
to dig up some dirt
on this Mr Davenport?
Find his mistress or his Swiss bank
account? Pin his ears to the wall?
You're right on the money. I like that.
Why don't I give you say $1,000
just on account, to get things going?
You want me to spy on this man
and uncover his personal life?
Take it easy, Whit.
- To dig dirt? To ruin his reputation?
- Calm down.
You calm down.
We don't do that kind of work.
We're not in the character assassination
business. We help people.
We try in our own futile way
to right a wrong or two.
That's what being a private detective
is all about. Tell him.
That's right, Mr McGill.
Take your money and get out
of here before I throw you out.
It's no skin off my nose.
I'm just trying to get a story.
Just get out of here
and don't come back.
Alright, I don't think I will.
You finally understand, don't you?
Yeah, I think so.
Let me tell you how I see it.
- That $1,000 would have saved us.
- Right.
If we've got to do it
at the expense of another,
by wrecking another life,
it's not worth it.
That's exactly right.
We have to keep our finger in the dyke
holding back our own personal stream
of bad guys.
But if McGill was in trouble
or in danger or if Davenport...
That would be different.
Then we'd help him no matter who he was.
Of course. I'll get it, Whit.
Whitney Agency.
E.L. Turner speaking.
Where did you find that guy?
He's right out of "Detective Digest."
Yes. Yes.
Would you like to speak to him?
OK. Put him on. Here comes act two.
The guy wouldn't give his name.
President of Whitney
Investigation speaking.
Hey, Whitney,
don't work for no Scoop McGill.
He's already marked to get it.
You take that case, you get it too.
You got it?
- E.L, that was a threat.
- A what?
A threat. The guy said
not to work for McGill.
That means McGill's in danger.
He doesn't know it.
Maybe he deserves to be investigated.
- You may be right.
- What should we do?
We should...
We should...
- We should take the case.
- Sure?
- Absolutely.
- I'll try to find him.
Hey, McGill, we changed our mind.
We'll be right down.
OK, Mr McGill,
I think you should be careful.
Whatever you've been investigating
must have turned up something.
I had an instinct about him,
something more behind his eyes.
Maybe a syndicate tie-up.
Maybe Mr Big in his path.
Mr Big possibly.
We'll do what we can to find out.
In the meantime,
I'd advise you to change your room
and be very careful but as of now,
we are, as the saying goes...
on the case.
we've been expecting you.
A Mercedes goes with the apartment.
Mr Davenport wanted you to have it
while you're with us.
Hello, hello.
Hello!
Perfect.
Love it. Much, much better.
I'll get to you later.
Mm. Bleu 1973.
I'll get to you later too.
What's this?
I'm conducting an inspection
for the insurance company.
If it's an inconvenient time,
I'll be back later.
You ain't going to do no article
on Davenport, OK?
He ain't gonna be no cover story
on no December "Millionaire".
OK.
You know we're serious,
we'll give you a bump you can finger
if you have second thoughts.
Excuse me.
There will be no second thoughts.
We're using Rockefeller
on the December issue.
- Who needs Davenport?
- Just to be on the safe side.
Where do you want it?
Ribs? Back of the head?
Come on, guys.
I'm trying to be nice.
You want me to choose?
Look, well...
Maybe the ribs.
- Ribs.
- Ribs.
Lionel.
"I've got a hot lead. I'm on the case."
Great.
Come on, answer, buddy.
What have I done?
Holy-moly! Look what the cat dragged in.
Hey, hey. It's Whit.
Hi, Whit. How are you?
Lionel Whitney, how's it going?
Outstanding.
It hasn't been the same since you quit.
- How are you, honey?
- I'm fine.
It's good to see you all.
Look at this guy. He's Sam Speed.
He's got the trench coat.
Where's the gun?
We don't carry guns unless...
What?
Lionel, I mean, do you always wear
that coat? That coat is outstanding.
No, I picked this up at the cleaner.
I didn't want to leave it in the car,
the window is broken.
It's good to see you!
I've got to get back
to the old tickertape.
Lionel, you look outstanding.
Out-damn-standing.
You too, Milton.
I'm supposed to have lunch
with Timothy Fanning. Is he around?
Who knows where he is? Probably
in the dungeon looking at research.
We let him up for exercise periods
10 and two. See you. Hey, love the coat.
Love the coat.
Hey...
don't be such a stranger.
Yes, my case log
has just been outstanding.
I've been so busy.
Outstanding, Lionel.
Really outstanding.
- See you.
- See you.
Lionel. Hey.
Boy, are the Lakers doing it?
The Lakers, yes, the Lakers.
How are you, Tim?
Gold's up, dollar's down.
Crazy world's going round and round.
Still doing the poems. Great.
All the king's horses and all the king's
men couldn't get you 15K.
- Did you get the stuff I asked for?
- Is Marco Polo using an aluminium pole?
Lionel! You look outstanding.
How is that detective agency thing
going?
- Very well, sir.
- That's outstanding.
This is incredible, really incredible.
Let's not give it
the old Mickey mouth.
What we're talking about here
is rumours and we spell rumours in caps.
Mr Davenport's systems
could be some subsidiary of the mob.
Shh. Come on. Keep your voice down.
Look, all I'm saying is that some guys
who are represented by Stanley Carmen
made a run on DSS six years ago.
We know Stanley Carmen
is more than a little chummy
with the guys in the black gloves.
So who knows how it turned out?
The SEC started an investigation.
We suspended trading
of that stock for 2 weeks.
The feds came in
like six cowboys after a coyote
and before you say:
"Which way to the men's room?"
everything was back to normal.
Due to the space contracts, they
wouldn't want that company to go under.
Plus half the brokers of Gray Johnson.
Thanks, Tim. I had better get
on this lead before it cools.
Cools? It's six years old.
Yes, well, anyway...
Hey, look, what about the Lakers?
I've still got the same old seats.
Every home game, me, Murry and Smith
there drinking beer, raising hell.
- Why don't you join us like old times?
- Oh, well, yes, of course.
Remember when I rolled that ham ball
down the steps
and it bounced
all the way down to the court?
Man, that was a stitch, really a stitch.
- I thought we'd never stop laughing.
- That was a marvellous caper.
It's great to see you, Whit.
Love the coat. It's outstanding.
Thank you.
Hey, Whit. How you doing, buddy?
Hey! What are you doing here?
I stopped by your apartment.
Your manager told me you were here,
I thought I'd walk on over.
10,000-mile check-up.
The loan car's around the corner.
Wait till you hear what I've got,
until you see this.
I've been doing some thinking.
We should pull back
and take a hard look at this thing.
Somebody has got to get out
there and measure those skidmarks
and the more I think about it,
the more I've been saying to myself...
Accidents on our highways cause more
deaths than all the wars put together.
Yes. I think Chase Davenport
might have been involved with the mob.
We need to get those drunks
off the highway.
We could make a positive statement,
save the lives of mothers,
babies and puppies.
- What are you saying?
- We should drop the Davenport case.
But you...
you seemed so positive.
You wanted this case.
Let's do our thing for
highway safety. What's wrong with that?
I think I'm onto something here. I have
the reason McGill's being threatened.
Let me take a look at it.
Uh-huh. There's nothing here.
- You have no case.
- What do you mean?
It's a bunch of rumours, speculations,
prevarications and denunciations.
In other words, hogwash.
- What?
- Where's your car? Come on.
Around the corner.
But we can't just pull out.
- Why not?
- Why not?
I think McGill's a con artist. He works
for a rag called "Millionaire's Life."
- "Millionaire's Life?"
- Yeah, that's right.
My friend gave me this. It's a scam.
How it works is this - you sell a
millionaire on the idea of the cover.
You write a puff piece on it.
He reads it, is flattered,
orders 1,000 copies, 10 bucks each.
3 grand for print cost.
You score about 7 grand.
Then there's the advertisement con...
I can't believe
he would be involved in this.
- It takes your breath away, doesn't it?
- He should be busted.
No, you see, what makes this scam
so terrific well, maybe not so...
Whatever.
Is that, it's not illegal.
All you gotta do is purchase 300 copies,
sell them to a millionaire
so it's a legitimate thing.
Have you run this scam?
Me run a chicken little scam like this?
It's strictly short con.
- I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
- Don't insult me like this.
- Sorry.
McGill's just a con man.
What do we do with the $1,000?
I used most of it to pay for the office.
- I'll take care of that.
- Doesn't this take the cake?
He lied to us. We ought to give him
a piece of our mind.
That's what I'll do, give him a piece
of our mind. You don't have to come.
I'll drop off this case but not before
I confront this man with what I know.
- I mean it.
- Is this yours?
- Yes.
- I'll drive.
How did you get here?
I'm going for the economy ride.
Getting back to reality.
Taking the straight and narrow.
This is the worst piece of junk
I've seen.
You drive it or you peddle it?
"Millionaire's Life." What a cad.
What a lowlife. Then he wants us to...
Why did he hire us?
Good question. You can ask him.
It's right over here.
He said he wanted us to dig up dirt.
He wouldn't buy these magazines
unless they're complimentary.
Why would he want us to dig up dirt?
- Good question.
- No, but why?
The world is full of trickery.
Things like this happen.
Don't make such a big deal of it.
- Wait a minute.
- What?
We were threatened. That phone call.
What if Davenport's Space system's
really a mob-owned company?
Do we want the mob involved
in our space program?
Yes! I've seen them put a guy into space
using a Louisville Slugger.
It's cheap,
gives a whole new look.
- What?
- A whole new look to the program.
Are you up to something?
Uh-oh. It's too late.
Scoop?
Small world, isn't it?
We can come back later.
I am instructed...
Ow.
Stop it! Stop it!
Somebody call 911.
Call the police. Somebody!
I'm not going to do that.
They are too big for me.
Come on. Hurry up.
- Why didn't you do something?
- Huh?
You just stood there
while I got punched silly.
What happened
to that good old Japanese karate?
The knee and elbow.
No, you just stood there
while they took punch practice.
I couldn't use it.
I didn't finish my warning.
Is that what it is?
Without the warning,
karate can never be used.
You're hopeless, you know that?
Hopeless.
Get off me.
I lost a tooth.
Scoop.
Scoop?
Scoop.
Scoop!
Then? You rang the doorbell
and these guys started swinging at you?
Yes. We should say we're private...
Solicitors.
Solicitors for the brotherhood
of the Christian life.
See, Officer Morehead, this is the type
of thing that I was about to say.
You see, I feel that humanity is moving
into chaos and self-destruction,
and only through love and patience
and the guidance of our Lord
will we eventually find our salvation
and peace in a cosmic universe.
Yeah, OK.
It's easy to turn your back
on the Almighty,
because he doesn't ask
where you've been,
only what you will become.
And then he asks
that you look deep down into your soul
and explore the wonders of your spirit
and join hands with the brotherhood...
OK, I got the message.
You come to the station tomorrow
to sign the statement.
Yes, Officer.
Just embrace the Almighty.
Join hands with the brotherhood
of the crusade of the freedom
of the spirit.
That was the most disgusting display
I've ever seen.
I had to. You were about to give him
the "We're private detectives" rap.
Preaching is a proven technique.
Cops feel guilty, then they disappear.
- It's a preach-off.
- Proven by who?
Whitefeather, 1945, he preached
his way out of a Kansas City jail.
What now? Are we on this case or off it?
You have a lot of questions
to answer, a lot of questions.
When we'd get around to that.
Let's get out of here.
So, that's what happened. You... you ran
this scam. You're Harrison Hall Jr.
Harrison Hall III. You give yourself
a Junior, never works.
Stop! I don't want to hear another word.
I was trying to save your business.
Save it with deceptions
and con games and lies?
No, with money.
OK.
OK, I was wrong.
But let me tell you something, Lionel,
I did it for you.
I'm not asking you to forgive me,
just have a little understanding.
I was trying to be a friend.
I wanted to give you something
like you're always talking about,
a Mark Savage case.
What do I do?
I end up getting Scoop beaten up.
Maybe it's not that bad, E.L.
Yes. When am I going to learn that lying
and scamming only makes things worse?
When am I going to learn
that you're right...
and I'm wrong?
- When am I going to wise up?
- No, you're not wrong.
It's easy for you to say,
but look at me.
I'm sitting around
on a bunch of lies and dishonesty.
You know, Scoop and I go way back.
I know one time, we took down
this numbers guy in New York.
Scored 20 grand.
Old Scoop blew his entire half on a trip
to Disney World. Do you believe that?
His entire half,
went for a little rides on little carts
where little frogs and gremlins
just leap out of the shadows at you.
And now...
- Look, maybe we can solve this case.
- Yeah.
As the saying goes, catch the bad guys.
Or, catch a permanent case
of rigor mortis.
Suppose the guys in black gloves
own Chase Davenport's company.
The what?
The night crawlers who run up a tally
of death at the expense of innocents.
- The mob?
- Yes. Maybe we can prove it.
I think LA is a town with
the personality of a used Styrofoam cup.
Crooks are multiplying faster
than good guys.
We can get our teeth into this case.
You don't stumble across a broken bard
who has been hit by LA progress.
- Let's go.
- We're on the case.
- Trench coat.
- My trench coat. Outstanding.
We're off to catch the bad guys.
And how we might do that?
- Isn't this dangerous?
- Not if you do what you're supposed to.
- But...
- Stop with the buts!
I got us into this mess and for your
sake and Scoop's, I'm gonna clean it up.
- Call it a character improvement lesson.
- What can I do?
You can look deep down
into your soul,
join hands with the brotherhood for the
crusade for the freedom of the spirit.
Pledge your soul to the Almighty.
- Are you trying to preach me off?
- Yeah. Now get.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Of course you do, Mr Davenport.
I never write a story without research.
That on you has been devastating,
As I don't believe
in disguised journalistic hatchet jobs,
I have to confront you about this
and I want some answers.
Alright, now, are you secretly financed
by Stanley Carmen?
Is your company an underworld front?
Is Davenport's system a wholly-owned
subsidiary of the syndicate?
- Mark.
- I told you this could happen, Chase.
Then it's true. My research is correct.
Well, I leave you now, gentlemen.
I intend to call Clyde at the magazine
and let him know what I have learned
and then I intend to publish the expose.
I must say, at long last, after 20 years
of journalistic ditch-digging,
I think I'm finally...
on my way to a Pulitzer.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Stand aside. I am a member of the press.
I demand my First Amendment rights.
What do you want us to do with him,
Mark?
Fill the car up.
We're going to take Mr Hall
and show him our lemon groves.
You will hear about it!
You can't do it to people!
I don't like lemon groves!
I don't like lemonade!
You fellas are making a big mistake.
You see, I don't operate in a vacuum.
"Millionaire's Life"
is a wholly-owned subsidiary
of Magazine Publishers International.
You take on such a company
and you're asking for lots of ink
on your forehead.
Shut up. Stop talking.
OK, alright, fellas,
I'm the only one who knows about this
and Scoop isn't going to say anything,
so what if we go with the original story
where we build Chase right up there
with the Rockefellers and the Forbes?
I've got a better idea.
I like it even better.
What do you say we make Davenport
the Millionaire of the Next Decade?
Yeah.
Sort of economical pick to click.
What do you say?
You are going to shut your yap or I'm
going to have to do you right here.
Here in the car? Kind of messy.
Depends on how you do it.
Now, do you want to shut up?
I'll be quiet for a while now.
My brother is Morgan Walton,
US Congressman.
You've probably heard of him.
He's with...
without being too graphic,
it's safe to say that my brother
can really put you out of business
forever, if you get my drift.
Did I tell you that he is on the
Organised Crime Committee in the house?
This is Lionel Whitney.
I'm a private detective on a case.
I need police assistance two miles south
of Hawk Crossroad on Highway 1.
No, assistance, police assistance.
Help, I need help.
Yes, immediately. Thank you.
OK, alright. Wait a minute. Wait.
Get him out.
You know, let's talk a whole new deal,
OK?
Let's talk about you guys
winning our magazine mailing contest.
Now, we have several
other magazine circulations.
We have "Animal Life".
We have "Big Bear Valley".
That's a ski gourmet type of thing.
Now, you could win
our Animal Album Sweepstakes.
You may think I'm talking peanuts here
but we're talking about 55 grand
plus a trip to Alaska where you get
to have a free hunting trip
with Koomanu, our Eskimo guide.
- You've probably seen him.
- Shut him up.
Wait a minute! Just wait a minute.
Murder is just one of your several
very attractive options here.
Has anyone stopped to think
that this may be just a scam?
A scam like...
Get him up on the bank
and then check the road for traffic.
Do you know who I am?
Do any of you know?
I am Springer Mendelssohn,
all-pro wide receiver for five years.
You can't go killing some national-known
celebrity in open field.
They're all going to hear about this.
Wait a minute!
There're no lemon trees.
Ribs. Ribs.
Ribs.
The warning!
I'm instructed to warn you:
I've a black belt in karate.
Where are the cops?
You're supposed to bring the cops.
- Give me the gun.
- I'll flag them down.
- That was too close.
- We did it. We solved the case.
- We'll give them to the authorities.
- Give them to them.
Over here! Over here!
Over here!
Wonderful.
"Davenport's attorney hinted
at the possibility of a lawsuit
against the private detective firm
of Lionel Whitney and Associate
who, the millionaire claims,
invaded his privacy
in their attempt to expose what appears
to be a syndicate connection.
Questioned on this, Whitney,
president of the firm, said,
'LA is my town, where a private eye
can stick his finger
in the dyke of criminal
'justice and hold back
his own personal stream of bad guys.'
Further, he stated that a private eye
has to take a chance to solve a crime,
that right and wrong
are still the only issues at stake
and that he and his associate will
unite to pursue the forces of evil."
This makes me sound like Kato.
- Shh.
- Sh.
"Savage was a guy who knew
what he was after and worked to get it.
Yeah, LA was his town.
He loved the grit and grime because
he was in the clean-up business.
He swept dirt wherever he found it
and every now and then,
he felt he was making progress.
The pearl in the clamshell holster
had been a wonderful liar,
with a rich, soft voice and eyes
that would melt a gravedigger's soul
but under it all,
she was just one more piece of glitter,
one more wrong
in a world too full of wrongs,
one more pearl that Mark Savage knew
was made of paste.
He was tired.
Terribly, terribly tired.
He wondered
how long he could keep swinging,
if he could take one more case,
one more disappointment.
He didn't think he could.
And then the phone rang
and with a tired but resolute arm,
he picked it up
and he heard himself say,
'Mark Savage, private eye.
How may I help you?"'
- Finished?
- Yeah.
The paper says
Davenport's going to sue us.
Look, we're on the side of good
and that means we'll win.
I thought you were beginning
to understand that.
- You said you're beginning to see it.
- Yeah and I am.
You're saying we must maintain our
stance of right no matter what happens,
fight the forces of evil no matter what,
and I should help you pursue this quest.
- You do understand.
- I do. You don't have to worry about me.
- I've learnt my lesson.
- Terrific.
Now we can go on
and work more as a team,
understand what our goals are
together in concert and understanding.
Reading off the same page,
seeing through the same eye.
You know, I like it, Lionel.
I like it.
That's right.
Uh!
Stop him! Stop him! Thief! Stop him!
Oh, give the poor kid a break.
He's just working the park.
- What are you doing?
- I have to paddle.
What do you mean paddle? Stop!
Leave the kid alone! Would you stop it?