Tenspeed and Brown Shoe (1980): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot: Part 1 - full transcript

The smell of burning flesh.

Screams of agony

mixed with the whistle
of falling bombs.

"Take them", he said.

"Take them..."

And he thrust me the bag,
Herr Beuler.

"..for the new order."

He knew he'd be killed.

Still he thought only of the new order,

only about the dream.

A dream for which I have lived.



A dream... that you have destroyed.

Herr Brandt...

We thought we could protect you
better by using the Sicilian.

Sicilian? He is an American gangster.

Sam Diagusta.

A common criminal, a mob boss.

You give him the jewels to sell
and he steals the money.

You say to me, "How I was to know?"
You should know!

Herr Brandt...

we have made a terrible mistake.
But steps are being taken.

To make matters worse...

you come to me saying
you've killed him.

How does this help? Huh, huh?

Before he died,
he told us where he put the money.



In a safety deposit box
in San Francisco.

Now it's simply a matter
of getting the money out of the box.

- How is this to be done?
- Very easily, Herr Brandt.

We have Diagusta's wife.

We'll hold her
until the banks open in the morning,

we'll take her there,

and have her open the box.

In two days, I will be in Los Angeles.

You will hand this money to me,
Herr Beuler...

or you will pay for your failure...

with your life.

Herr Doctor, I accept the challenge.

Nothing...

Nobody will stand in our way.

Nobody.

We'll just drill the box.
We have the tools.

I really wish that Mr Railsworth was in.

I've never done
anything like this before.

- It's a normal procedure, Mr...
- Ross.

Ross. Agent Claud Armbruster,
Treasury Department.

Well, I guess we're gonna drill
Mr Diagusta's safe deposit box.

We do have a court order to freeze
Mr Diagusta's estate. Fellas, would you?

San Francisco National Bank.

I do wish that Mr Railsworth were here.

I've never done this sort of thing
on my own authority.

Excuse me, please.

Mrs Diagusta's here to open
her husband's safe deposit box.

OK, sign the slip, please.

Just a minute.

Oh, my...!

Must be over a million dollars!

Uh-huh, just what I thought, real money.

- Perfect plates too, look at that.
- Alright, pack it up.

I don't think
we'd let this leave the bank

until Mr Railsworth comes.

He'd be in by ten thirty.

Love to, Mr Ross,
but I'm sure you've heard

that the Federal Government
waits on no man

and today, it'll include Mr Railsworth.

Your receipt. Are you ready?

I've got a meeting
with the director later.

- So move it.
- Mr Ross...

Ah, Mrs Diagusta!

She wants to look
at her husband's safety deposit box.

Oh, but the box is...

Oh, that gentleman there
is from the Federal Government.

They drilled your box!

Ah, damn it!

Let's go! Get that tin off!
This ain't funny.

You said ten grand.
There's got to be a mill here.

Stand on it!
Beuler says we gotta get them!

"Savage says,
'Watch out for blondes with cute names.'

'They look innocent and beautiful,
but they can kill you.'

This one was named Tink.

She stood on the threshold
of my apartment,

her dress tighter
than two sailors on liberty.

The Russian-made Tokarev 3.5 automatic
swaying slightly in her ivory hand.

She screamed at me and fired.

I took the lead high in my shoulder
and felt that trapdoor open.

I was down the rabbit hole again.

Down in the darkness
where Father Time wears a frocked coat

and holds your life
like a conductor's watch,

the seconds ticking down to zero.

I'd been here before,
death's waiting room.

The outer office to eternity.

Savage says, 'The ones with the cute
names are hiding something.'

Tink was hiding a killer instinct.

'Yeah, watch out for blondes
with cute names,' but I hadn't,

now the old man in the frocked coat
was writing in his book.

Under 'foolish', under 'dead',
he was writing my name.

Mark Savage, Private Eye."

Yeah?

Oh, yeah... sorry, Mr LaCrosse.
OK. OK, be right down.

"Under 'foolish', under 'dead',
he was writing my name..."

Lionel Whitney,

Private Eye.

Lionel, I'm in the elevator.
Hurry up. We're late.

- Meet us down the lot!
- There he is.

Hi. I guess we'll be needing a cab.

- Get us a cab, Lionel!
- That's what I'm doing, sir.

Well, guess this is getaway day.

Sure have enjoyed your hotel.

Come on, for crying out loud.
Where the hell's Bunny?

I got a cab. Isn't Bunny down?

I thought everybody was in the lobby.

- Just one cab?
- Yes, sir.

What are you going to do
with the luggage?

We'll get another one, sir.

Honestly, Herman.
Rush, rush, rush...

We will miss the plane.
He booked us on the 11 o'clock.

With the rehearsal dinner,

it's better an early flight.
We could get back and unpack.

Three first-class and a tourist?

I'll take the tourist, sir,
I don't mind.

- You don't mind, kid, huh?
- No, no.

But where's the luggage?
That luggage...

- Hi, stranger. Did you miss me?
- Yes.

Excited about tonight?

I'm gonna pretend
it's for real tonight,

then maybe afterwards,
I'll let you know...

Alright, come on.
What are you laughing at?

I hate San Francisco.
The people are so rude.

Give me that little blue bag.
It's my cosmetic case. I need it.

- Did Daddy tell you the surprise?
- Surprise, what surprise?

Uh, this cab smells awful.
What makes taxis smell so bad?

Drunks throw up in them.

See that? I'll be glad to get home.

Come on, let's go.
Get in the front seat, Lionel.

Well, I guess we're off to the airport.

Daddy, tell Lionel the surprise.

Yeah, alright, I was going to save it
for this evening, but alright.

Since you are marrying my Bunny,
I don't have to tell you,

I don't need a son-in-law
sitting at a floor desk

taking security orders on the phone,
like some kind of dress clerk.

I have pulled rank with my department
manager and I'm having you moved.

- Can you get this car to stop bumping?
- Moved, sir?

Yes, I had a talk with Page,
one of our top institutional men.

I told him you had
the firepower for the job.

From now on, you'll be handling
all the top institutional boys.

Isn't that fantastic?

You'll have your own office.

You'll be dealing
with important stockbrokers.

I don't want you to think
I'm not appreciative,

I've been giving the whole
securities business much thought.

With the recession, people
getting out of the stock market,

I think we're looking at a new decade
in stocks, about which...

If I might speak candidly,
I'm not that optimistic.

Bull!

When the going gets rough,
the dress clerks jump out,

the tigers jump in and take the profits.

It's been that way,
it will continue like this.

You have to find out,
are you a dress clerk or a tiger?

I was thinking that maybe,

before we have
too many financial responsibilities...

Maybe is the time to,
as the saying goes, "Change horses."

And well, I've been giving much thought
to commercial real estate.

A lot of thought.

Are you playing with me here, Lionel?

No, sir.

I've gone out on a limb for you.

You start Monday.
Don't you mess it up.

Oh, no.

Does this driver have to hit
every bump?

I'm trying to get my mascara on.

Flight 26 to Phoenix, Denver
and Fort Worth now loading at gate 11.

All passengers who have not checked in
at the ticket counter,

please do so immediately.

All persons meeting incoming flights

are requested not to go beyond
the reception areas of the terminal.

Your cooperation
will be greatly appreciated.

Dr Paul Bailey, please report
to the international ticket counter.

Dr Paul Bailey, please.

What are you doing?
That's mine.

This is the final call...

- Do you have the Lord's work, my dear?
- Yes, we have Bibles.

We've the condensed New Testament,

and an illustrated book
on the life of Christ.

Praise his name.
I'll take the King James version.

- That'll be ten-fifty, sir.
- Yes.

Do you know the name
of the airport manager?

- Joseph Rupert.
- Rupert?

And head of security?

Lieutenant Klinehurst.

Klinehurst...

- Here's your change.
- Thanks.

- Your Bible.
- Your kindness will be your reward.

- Thank you.
- Yes, praise him.

Flight 26 to Phoenix, Denver and Fort
Worth now loading at gate 11.

All passengers
who have not checked in...

I'm Father Flack. I've got
a meeting with Lieutenant Klinehurst.

Mr Rupert told me that the man would
meet me and I don't find him nowhere.

He's head of security,
he could be anywhere.

- Maybe I could help you, Father.
- Quite possible.

I travel
with a large sum of money,

the proceeds of our May Carnival,
the Church's Greater Aid Society.

Oh, the Lord blessed us.

When I was about to board a plane
with...

I was wondering...

Is there some place you can take me
where I can be safe?

I hate to be of any trouble,
it's quite a tidy sum.

- Of course. This way.
- Oh, praise the Lord. Thank you.

Damn, he's slick. Come on!

Lionel, take my case.

Get me a "Forbes" to read.
I've got to call the office.

I'm trying to be nice

but they treat me
like a bag of dog chow.

I've been biting my tongue these days.

Nice? I mean...

Daddy almost kills himself
just so you can get a big break.

Institutional sales!

I don't like him making decisions
about my career without asking.

I don't want
the Institutional Department.

I'm bored with the stock market.

Lionel, Lionel,

I'm only gonna tell you this once.

This is my life too.

We are gonna have our house
in University Park,

we're gonna take trips,
we're gonna have a wonderful life!

I don't want to live in University Park!

I told you that, and your father.

You're angry because
he paid for the down payment,

you think he's going to act like he
owns the house because he paid for it.

Exactly! That's what I think.

He's gonna come and tell me
to cut the lawn and to paint the door...

Damn it, Bun,
that's not the way I wanna live!

I am going to pretend
that we never had this conversation.

I am going to erase it
from my mind, Lionel.

I'm going to pretend
it was five minutes ago

and we never said any of this.

Wait here, Father.
I'll try to find Lieutenant Klinehurst.

My angina...

I took a glycerine tablet. The guy
told me I could lay down in here.

There's a sofa
in the locker room through that door.

They’ve taken advantage
of two bubbles...

Are you sure you're OK?

Oh, with the good Lord's help,
everything will be just fine.

We've gotta get through security.

All persons meeting incoming flights

are requested not to go beyond
the reception areas...

Oh!

Giddy.

The Texas man who...

Doctor Paul Bailey, please report
to the international ticket counter.

He came down here. There's no way out.

You check the bathrooms.
Art, you and I will watch the gates.

- San Francisco Memorial Hospital.
- Clancy Turner's room, please.

- Hello?
- Hello, Clance!

Yeah, it's your kid brother.

Hey. How are you doing?

Well, it depends on who you're asking.
The question is, how are you doing?

I'll live.

It's the last time I borrow from one
of... Sam Diagusta's loan sharks.

Yeah, well, that's why I'm calling,
Clance, you see...

I had no time in the schedule, man,
so I decided, well,

since somebody killed Sam Diagusta,

I'd drop by his bank and make a small
withdrawal on your behalf.

Those guys are mob!

They'll kill you.

Look, Clance, I got your money, man.

But I can't get it to you now.

There's some complicated circumstances,
you understand?

Final call for Continental Global
Airlines, flight 365 to Los Angeles.

All passengers holding tickets
should be on board.

Clance, I'm late, man. I've gotta go.

Kiss Maggie and the kids for me.
And Clance?

I love you, man.

I'll be in touch.

They're hitting hard
all over the field.

It'll be second in six
at the 24-yard line.

Well, I tell you what, he only weighs
164lb. He came in motion...

Down six points...

Close them up, Marie.

- What's this?
- Pilot check ride.

- Auerback. Who is White?
- I am.

- That makes you Kingsley.
- Yes, sir.

Hutchins. CG check pilot,
I'll be riding the jump seat.

Do exactly what you do always.

I'll try to stay out of your way.
Wanna hear the speech?

I've never heard it.

This is a random flight check.

I must report any procedure
that is questionable

under F.A.A. Standards.

I'll be evaluating ground operations,
all procedures...

If this crew needs a check-up,
I can assign you

to the flight training simulator
in Palmdale, California.

Everything's clear?

We know Palmdale is a toilet.
What about a cup of java?

Let's take this up.

Give me that.
It's got all my perfumes in it.

I guess I'll just go on back
and find my seat.

- We'll wait for you outside the gate.
- Lionel...

I'll miss you.

OK, me too.

San Francisco newspaper?

- "News" and "Evening Star".
- No, thank you.

CGA, 365 heavy, final check control.
Maintain 350 diamond for departure.

Squawk 4141. Departure control 124.

You're clear to LAX.
You're going off the scope.

Have a good one!

That's it, Roger. Thanks for the safe
out. Adiós.

How about a sandwich? I didn't have
any breakfast. Will we ask Karen?

Do you want anything, Hutchins?

Oh, yeah, um...

I'd like from now on,
for navigator Kingsley

to use his shoulder straps
on the take-off.

- I was working the transponder, Captain.
- No sweat, got it charted.

I'm off to the head. Be right back.

- Enjoying your flight, madam?
- Uh-huh.

Let's see what we've got here.

"Lionel Whitney."

"Mr and Mrs LaCrosse announce
the wedding of their daughter

to Lionel Whitney
in Saint Veronica's Church,

Bel-Air, California."

"Dear Lionel,

five thousand shares.

Gusty."

How did this racial
end up with all the money?

I thought you had Diagusta's wife.

I thought she was gonna open
the box for us.

All I know is when we got in there,
this guy had already cleaned it out.

We chased him to the airport.

Look, Colonel...

He can't get off that plane.
He has the money.

All we've got to do is have our people
in LA when it lands and he's ours!

OK.

I want that terminal in LA covered!
I don't care how many men it takes!

I'm gonna be on the next plane.
Make me a reservation.

"I was down there again, sitting
on the old man's black couch,

the one with bloodstains.

Old men and dead hookers
lounged there with me.

The voices of my mates came through
a wire and spilled out at me

through a broken speaker
screeching my obituary.

Mark Savage, Hollywood tough guy,

iced by a dippy dame
with a ten-pound Russian cannon.

I should have known she was a no-go
the day her mother came to my office

spilling cigarette ashes and wheezing
at me through yellow teeth.

'Find my daughter', she said.

I found her, she punched
my ticket with cold lead

and sent me to this place.

Savage says if you want to know
about a girl, look at her mother,

'cause that's what she'll be
in 20 years.

Her mother was a killer.
And under all that beauty, so was she.

I had ignored that advice
and so I got what I deserved."

Oh, boy.

Is this seat taken?

No, no, no, go ahead.

I was in B-23,
next to this yucky stockbroker.

He kept trying to get me
to invest in his sex life.

- Martha Gribb. I'm a singer.
- Lionel Whitney.

I'm a... stockbroker.

Wingtips, conservative tie, Aqua Velva,
the whole depressing package.

- What kind of a singer?
- What kind of a stock...? You first.

Well, I'm in institutional sales.
It's really a great field.

You get to go to lunch
with important executives and...

well, go to New York and...

Well, it's just really, um...

Institutional could be the word
I'm looking for.

Were you in San Francisco on business?

No, with my fiancée and her family
to buy our wedding silver

and Bunny's trousseau.

Bunny is my fiancée.

Mr LaCrosse had some business,
he's Bunny's father,

also my boss
at Gray, Johnson & Smith in LA.

What we did was, well, he and I went
to the San Francisco office.

It was...

well, a terrific holiday
and we had lots of fun.

Listen, maybe you can help me.

I'm trying to decide on a new name,
a stage name.

And my agent made these up. He doesn't
think Martha Gribb is a winner.

- Sissy Sherman... Amber Lane.
- I don't like that one.

Gigi Wilson... Mimi St. Cloud.

- Well, I don't know.
- Lousy, huh?

I've this theory...

Beware of girls with cute names,
they're hiding something.

So you marry a girl named Bunny?

- Oh, I'm sorry, I was only kidding.
- No, it's OK.

She was a cheerleader,
that's what everybody calls.

- I'm sure she's darling.
- She is, she is.

- We have a lot in common.
- Like what?

Well, what we do is... we spend time...

We like to read.

She's got a terrific sense of humour,

she collects antique chess sets...

Oh, you play chess?

No.

No, I don't.

I watch sometimes
when Bunny and her father play.

You play Clue?

I haven't played in years,
but it was a terrific game.

I've got one in my bag.
Do you wanna play?

- Yeah, let's.
- Oh, terrific!

Lionel, it's gonna be OK.

I mean, when people get married,
they tend to have second thoughts,

and evaluate where they're going.

The thing you have to do is listen
to yourself, listen to what you want.

You know what I want?
You know what I'd like to do?

I'd like to maybe buy a boat
and go sailing.

Just me and Bunny up the coast
to Vancouver.

Give us a chance
to know one another better.

Get to know one another?

It was very quick with us,
only three months...

sexual attraction,

I don't really get along
with her father.

I think he was about to can me
when we announced our engagement,

subconsciously,
maybe I was trying to save my job

and Bunny was trying to get back
at her folks for something.

Well, we sort of got caught up in it.

It was fun and parties and,
did I tell you she is very pretty?

No, you didn't.

You be Colonel Mustard.
He's an adventurer like you.

I'll be Miss Scarlet.
She's sexy and has a past.

Do you think daughters turn out
to be like their mothers?

Do they end up looking
like their mothers 20 years later?

I don't know.

I guess it's possible.

I suppose you'll have to roll the dice
and find out.

I'm getting patched through now.
Your aunt's OK.

I'm trying to get through to Don Rico.
Donato!

Donato! Yeah, I'm with Tommy. Hold on.

Get me this thing fast.

Your aunt Celeste is OK.

They picked her up
outside the funeral home

and dumped her out at the bank.

She was really bummed out
over your uncle Sam being killed,

and she's kinda in shock or something.

I had Dr Goldberg look her over.

Who? What? Where? Why? Gimme those.

We think your uncle Sam was selling
some jewels for a Nazi named Beuler.

We've got no first name or nothing.

Your uncle tried to stiff them
and these Nazis killed him.

Where?

We ain't sure yet.

We picked up one of his guys,

but the guy didn't stand up too well
under pressure.

Mike and me chopped a couple of fingers.

He went out before we could brace him.

I need a town, Donny.

Until I get a town, I'm sitting here
on the ground with my finger up my nose!

Maybe LA. The guy was yelling
something, sounded like LA,

when he fuzzed out on us.

Get what he knows,
then help him find the river.

One other thing, your aunt
Celeste says these guys, Nazis,

were chasing a shine outside the bank.

Nobody knows who he is.

But Celeste says he had a valise.

Oh, terrific.

I love this more and more
every minute. LA.

So let me see,
I'm in the library with you at last...

I suggest that Professor Plum killed
Mr Green in the library with a rope.

Nope. My turn.

I think Mrs White killed Professor Plum
in the kitchen with a lead pipe.

Uh-oh, I think that's it.
I don't have those.

Oh! I would have had that if I could
have gotten to the kitchen.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

So what kind of songs do you sing?

Oh, all kinds!

Pop, forties, some show tunes,

a little cross-over country-western...

I'd love to hear you.

I've got 2 weeks solid
at the Town Club.

It's a little nightclub off Sunset.

My agent says Betty Page started out
there about a million years ago.

It's my first real booking.

I've been at the Music Conservatory
in New York for 3 years,

but it's time for me to sort of bust
loose and take the shot.

- It must be exciting.
- Oh, is it ever!

I mean, when I'm up there, you know,
with the mic in my hands,

singing a number...

Entertaining is like being on top
of the highest mountain.

And If they love you, they applaud.

If they stand up and applaud, my heart
races and you can't get enough air...

and you feel warm all over.

And if they don't?

That's horrible, it's just horrible.

The way I look at it,
you'll never get the highs

if you don't risk the lows.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I hope you'll come and see me.
I'll write it down for you.

I wish I could.

Well, who knows?

Trouble is, with the rehearsal dinner,

all our friends coming in,
family and everything...

Oh, yeah.

Well, anyway...

Yeah, anyway.

LAX to CGA 365 heavy. This is
LA radar control. You're on the scope.

Welcome to smogsville.

Roger LA. 250 knots.

Except for a few little minor goodies,

it was a smooth, well-handled flight.

I'm late for a check hop to San Diego,
always too tight.

If you can put this thing down,

arrange for a car
to meet me at the jet pad,

take me over to CGA flight control,
I'll sign you off

and we'll skip Palmdale this year.

This is CGA 365 heavy to LA Tower

requesting a ground unit
meet us at the dock.

Special transport
to CGA flight operations.

We've got a check pilot
with a tight one.

Continental Airlines flight 365 now
arriving from San Francisco at gate 19.

This guy is not getting past us.

Anybody screws up on this,
he's in deep, deep trouble.

He's not getting past us.

Continental Global Airlines...

It's gotta be him, he's got the bag!

How did he work that?

Move it!

Take 5 guys.
Cover every exit from the field.

I'll take the rest and check
the terminal. Let's go!

I guess they're already there.

I guess.

Have a terrific life, Lionel.

You too.

Can you believe airline food?

You could retread a tyre
with that omelette.

Did you miss me?

Yes.

Will Mr Lionel Whitney please
come to the white courtesy telephone?

Go on, get it. Come on!

I'll be right back.

This is Lionel Whitney.

Mr Whitney, yes, this is Sam Mayfield,
your limousine driver.

- Limousine?
- Yes!

Mr Gustafson and all the folks down at
Gray & Johnson sent me to pick you up.

Gusty did that? No kidding? A limousine.

Yes, he says to me,
"Mr Whitney is getting married,

you go down there
and take him wherever it is

that he wants to go."

What a terrific thing.

I have Mr Johnson's
personal limousine parked at the kerb.

I'm down at the baggage claim
on the phone here now.

If you tell me what it's you got on,

I'll be able to find you
around the luggage area.

Yes, great. Good idea. Um...

I'm real tall, dark hair. I'm wearing
a grey 3 piece suit and maroon tie.

That's fine, sir.
Mr Whitney, welcome home, sir.

Thank you, Sam. Thank you.

- What the hell was that all about?
- Limo.

The guys from Gray & Johnson sent a limo
to pick us up. Isn't that great?

Why not? Let's go!

I hope they were smart enough
to make it a stretch.

We'll never get all the luggage
in one car.

Scottie Maitland, kerb attendant.

You're parked in a 5 minute zone.
You have to move your limousine.

I've just got here.
Come on, don't hand me this.

I do this for a living.
The gig is hard enough as it is.

Take the car and move it around.

Come on. Be a buddy, will you? It will
take me twenty minutes in this traffic.

My people will be out in a minute, OK?
Be a pal, right? Please, do it.

Hey, look, come on.

My supervisor catches me taking money
for this, I'm out of my kishkabob.

I tell you what, come here.

You go inside and see
if you can find your guy, understand?

- But you make it fast.
- Alright. Thank you.

- Yes, go on now.
- I'll be right back.

Would you go on?

The white zone is for loading
and unloading of passengers only.

No parking, please.

The white zone is for loading
and unloading of passengers only.

No parking, please.

- Mr Whitney!
- Sam?

- Can I help you with your luggage?
- Yeah, we've got a lot of bags.

Let's get to it, shall we?
Come on, let's go.

Yes, sir, right away. I guess you folks
must have had a mighty nice trip.

Driver!

- Put my cosmetic case in the back seat.
- Yes, ma'am.

Will you let the boy get
the bags? That's what he is paid for.

- I'll get those. Sam will get them.
- I'm doing it, sir.

Y'all must be might happy
about the wedding.

My wife, Mary Ellen, she says,
"Sam, you sure do love weddings."

And I guess I do.

All them fine cakes,
and crunchy cookies...

I'll get that, sir.

Folks throwing rice...

Would you, please?
We're running late!

I told you to put that little blue bag
on the back seat, driver.

Blue bag, blue bag!
Blue bag in the back seat.

- Easy as pie.
- I'll get that, sir.

Why don't you get in the coach,
make yourself comfortable?

Alright?
And I'll take care of all of it.

Just... go on.

White zone is for loading and unloading
of passengers only. No parking, please.

Hey!

Should be on our way now,
Get those doors closing fast.

- What the hell are you doing, driver?
- Slow him down, Herm.

The throttle got stuck.

We don't know what's causing it.
I've been meaning to fix it.

I guess you folks must be glad
to be back in the City of Angels.

We've been having some great weather.

What are you talking about?
I read we hit a third-stage smog alert.

I don't pay that no mind, sir.

You see, my wife's sister,
she's the barometer in the family.

She has emphysema.

I figure like this,
if the old girl's breathing,

then, well, the weather is not that bad.

Now, if she goes wheezing,
then we had ourselves some smog.

Driver, would you mind?
I could use a little silence.

You won't hear another word out of Sam.

Sit back, relax, 'cause I want you
to surely enjoy this ride.

I'm not much of a talker.

My wife always says,

"You're probably one of the most
quietest men I know."

I'm always watching television
with the kids, but I want you to relax.

I want to get you home safe and quietly.

I want you to kick up your heels back
there. I've got some sodas.

Lionel, be on time. The rehearsal dinner
is at nine o'clock sharp.

- That means wear a tie.
- Of course, and I'm always on time.

Our friends from Michigan are
coming in, try to remember names.

It makes a better impression.

We have to get to the Shermans'
for lunch at two o'clock!

Driver, bring my three-suiter up here.

Yes, sir! Coming right up!

Can somebody get that telephone?

Now, make sure Fred orders
the boutonnières on Friday.

Be sure the ushers pick up
their tuxedos by ten tomorrow.

In 20 minutes. It's 2:00.
Will you get the lead out?

Herman, will you stop yelling at me?

You gonna miss me?

Yes, Bunny, of course.
Why do you keep asking me that?

Because I'll miss you, silly.

I'll see you tonight.

Would you please shake a leg?
We've got to meet the Shermans at 2:00.

Will you stop rushing me?
The Shermans can just wait.

Who's wedding is it anyway?
Where is my blue bag?

Mighty nice folks them LaCrosses.

- Oh, yeah, real nice.
- Yeah.

That Mrs LaCrosse really knows
how to snap a whip, doesn't she?

- Can I ask a hypothetical question?
- What do you mean?

- A not-for-real question.
- Go ahead!

Do you think girls turn out to be
like their mothers 20 years later?

I'm glad you asked me that question.

In the Mayfield family,
we've got ourselves mostly girls.

Except for me and my brother,

counting all the cousins,
there must be about 15 girls.

I've been watching them girls
grow on up like weeds

and I tell you,
each and every one of them

is a spitting image of their mother.

Now, what I say is, you wanna know
about the daughter? Watch the mama.

Savage says that too.

With a thing like that,
there are no sure rules.

No, I guess you've gotta...

depend on the odds.

Yes, I suppose you do.

- Where to?
- 2365 Elm Circle Drive.

Yes, sir.

Take a right on Flower,
it's a block and a half up.

Take a left on Flower,
it's two blocks up.

That's it there. Park it
in front of the Datsun.

Yes, sir.

That's it! Stick with them.

What are you doing?

No, no. Back there.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Hey, give me the keys!

What?

Oh, no! Look at what I did.

Hey. Um... 50 dollars for your lunch
pail and your hard hat, eh?

- What?
- Yes or no, man?

- Yes.
- Thank you.

There!

Come on. He's long gone.
Let's get out of here.

What is this?

Sardines and peanut butter.

Nobody puts sardines on peanut butter.

You do if you like it.

Then you eat it.

Sam.

Sam.

Hey, hey, come back here!

- Whitney! How's the man?
- Hey, you made it.

How did you get inside?

9 out of 10 guys hide
their front door keys in porch pots.

I'm surprised at you.

Hey, listen...

- Gosh it's great to see you!
- So, what's up?

Was that you spinning those donuts
out there on the street before?

You won't believe
what just happened.

The guys from the office sent a limo
to pick me up at the airport.

The driver was bringing me back.

Then, about six guys in a sedan
are chasing this guy.

He blows out of here in the limo
and takes off running.

I used my karate on one of them
to escape.

You're kidding.

Do you think I'm kidding?
I never used my karate before.

Mr Oklahoma says you're not supposed
to use it in anger, it's a sport.

I feel so guilty about that.

Boy, I tell you one thing, it sure
works.

I almost kicked that guy
into next year.

I'm gonna get my bag,
have a drink, take a shower.

What am I gonna do with this car?

Take a look at the registration.
Get the name of the owner.

OK.

Excelsior Limousine Company. Bell
Gardens.

Where's my suitcase?

There's supposed to be
one of Ruth LaCrosse's bags

that she's always braying about.

That driver must have
unloaded my bag at their house.

I'll have to switch them
at the rehearsal.

This week is turning into a nightmare.

Wait till you and Bunny
get to your wedding night.

I mean, take it from me, she's dynamite!

What I mean... what I mean is
she's probably dynamite.

I mean, it's just a guess.

It's like you know first-hand.

Hey, bunky! Give me a break.
I went out with her first. Remember?

- But you said you hadn't done...
- I said we never made it and we didn't.

But I was talking spiritual stuff.

You know, transcendental meditation,
oneness of soul...

Come on, let's not make a big thing
out of nothing, OK?

I'm gonna call this limo company.

Hey, look, buddy. Can I borrow the
Datsun?

I've got to check on
tuxedos and boutonnieres.

I've gotta pick up my folks
at the airport.

I'll probably miss the dinner,
they don't get in till nine but I...

Oh, great! You're a pal, buddy.

Eh, listen.

About Bunny...

She never really liked me. I mean,
not really, not after the first time.

Hey...

I'll see you, bunky, eh?

No sweat, right?

No sweat?

"Excelsior Limo. 5556787."

- I reported the car stolen.
- It happens always.

Guy boosts the car
when he's high on drugs,

decides to return it when he comes down.

The guys at the office sent it.

We checked with Mr Gustafson,
said they didn't send it.

When we get the latents off
the steering wheel and mirror,

we'll get a set that matches yours.

I drove the car home
after the driver took off.

Please, I'm supposed to get married
on Saturday.

Ronald Rouche.
Rouche-Rittelman Attorneys.

Here to see Mr Lionel Whitney.

Who are you? I didn't call an attorney.
They said my attorney...

It's you. You're the one who got me
here! You stole that car!

This man stole the car,
he stole the car! Arrest him!

- Hold it, hold it!

Ron Rouche.
I'm with the Public Defender's office.

I think he's gonna be OK, um...

But we may want him isolated.

- Maybe do a psychiatric...
- A what?

I'll try and keep him quiet,
just give me a bit more time.

OK. But if you can't...

I'm gonna have to haul him out of here.

We need some background information
for our office. Mr Whitney, please.

Sit.

You're no attorney.

You're no car thief either but we're
both in here just the same. Lighten up.

It's just a petty car thief, man.

- They're not gonna tube you for that.
- Tube me?

Yeah. I mean, especially
since it's your first offence.

You draw a little probation, watch
your step, keep your nose clean.

Most they can do is take away
your voting rights.

- Who can pick a candidate?
- I will not get busted for this.

This man stole that car,
no doubt about it.

- It's a frame!
- Hey! Knock it off.

This guy will throw you
into the head ward.

Look...

Lionel, I came here to tell you I'm
sorry.

I was moving fast, man.

I was improvising...

And you, you just got in the middle,
that's all.

And I've come down here to help you out,
OK?

Who in the hell are you?

- Alright.
- Alright?

- I'll tell you.
- OK.

- You have a right to know, sir.
- Uh-huh.

I'm putting my life on the line
by telling you this.

I'm Agent Hume Stoval, ATF.

I've been working
on a big international smuggle.

Brown Mexican snow.

That's unprocessed heroin.
It's been coming on donkeys.

Donkeys or mules
is what we call a carrier.

Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
Who's head of it?

- Morrie Feldman.
- Wrong. It's Abe Whitfield.

I'm a law enforcement buff!
You're a trickster.

You're about to take a fall for GTA.
You must cooperate.

I won't! First you are Stepin Fetchit.

Then you're Sidney Poitier,
now you are Ephram Zimbalist.

Why don't you get out of here?

- Very well.
- Very well.

I'll call your father-in-law.

He'll kill me!
Why you do this to me?

Sit down!

Lionel, you gotta stay frosty, man.

He wants to throw you
into the hamster cage.

Li... Lionel.

Lionel.

Five hundred dollars will get us off
with the limousine service.

And I know a bail bondsman
that can get you loose.

If you pay them five hundred dollars,
what happens?

They don't press charges
and everything just turns to dust.

- Get me out of here.
- Done!

- Would you slow up?
- Go away, leave me alone.

I got you out of there.

- You got me in there.
- Don't you want to know who I am?

This oughta be great. Let me guess.
You're an astronaut.

You and John Glenn and Mickey Mouse
got a bad re-entry

and landed on that limo?

My name is E.L. Turner.

I'm a bank teller downtown.

My ex-wife stole my daughter. I've
custody of her because she drinks.

She hired these bodyguards

and they're the ones who have been
chasing me to try to beat me up.

All I want is my daughter back.

I think my wife is trying to have me
killed.

I hate this one worst of all.

I left my bag in that car.

- I was wondering if you've seen it.
- That's why you got me out.

You left your bag
in my car and you want it.

What's in? They weren't looking for
Easter eggs.

- My insulin shot.
- You're a diabetic?

Yes, I can't get a prescription here...

Shut up! You want it? Fine.

The quicker I get you out of my life,
the better.

I hate to see you so exercised.

4 out of 5 cardiac conditions

are brought on
by this sort of hyperactivity.

Don't say more!

I don't have your suitcase, not now.
My best man has it in my Datsun.

I can't get to it
till the rehearsal tonight.

- I'll contact you.
- I'll meet you at the church.

- No, I'm not telling you where it is.
- Oh, I know where it is.

You're getting married in Bel-Air,
at Saint Veronica's. A lovely place.

- How did you knew?
- I know everything about you.

I know your blood type,
the kind of books you read,

about your magnifying glass.

You went through my luggage.
By the way, where is my bag?

I left it at Baby Ruth's
and Horrible Herman's by mistake.

Making cracks about my in-laws.

If you marry into that family,
you deserve to go to Camarillo.

I don't care what Mr Okahamu says.

If I see you again,
I will kick your head off.

I've tried saying I've just been playing

My feelings won't give me away

But you fill my heart every minute

Of every day

So I come back to you

Even though I never want to

It's the thing I always do

I just come running back to you

Though it's not very easy

I have to admit that it's true

I'm always coming back to you

Ooh.

Here she is!
Martha Gribb from East Turkeyneck.

Let's bring her back. How about
another nice round of applause?

Dynamite!

Oh...

OK. You boozers, calm down.
Next show starts in 40 minutes.

Some clown in the back
wants to buy you a drink.

You came!

- I thought tonight was your rehearsal.
- It is.

- Aren't you supposed to be there?
- 10 minutes ago. You were great.

I mean, you're really, really great.

Isn't this place awful?
Look at the outfit they had me wear.

- I like it.
- They have a stripper.

She didn't go on,
she said she got some bad shrimp,

but I think she's just chicken.

You went on, you were giving it
your all, you were trying.

If they aren't smart enough to realise
you're great then it's their loss.

- This place is a bummer.
- No, it's not, it's great!

You're great! You're wonderful!

So, how's Colonel Mustard?

- Talk to Professor Plum lately?
- He's dead, remember?

Mrs White beat him to death with a pipe.

Yes? What do you want?

This is a private conversation.
Leave this table, please.

- Lionel Whitney.
- How do you know my name?

This came off my suitcase.

I've got my hand in my pocket

and there's a 38 pointing
at your belly button.

Now, you and the chirp, here,

just get up slowly
and we'll leave this place real quiet.

Please, leave me alone.
I don't know what's going on.

I know you think I do, but I don't.

Just do what I say.

But leave her out of it. Don't take her.

If we blow the place, she's gonna scream
her head off to the cops.

Come on.

- Lionel...
- It's been like this all afternoon.

I said let's go.

Don't do this,
I'm supposed to get married on Saturday.

Stifle it, OK?

We found this shut.

The people that lived here
went to Miami, it's empty.

Get the lights on!
Don't set off the alarm.

Can't happen. We shorted it
and took out the batteries.

Come on, come on!

Come on! Move!

Who's the skirt?

The singer at the club
where we picked him up.

I got it, I think I got it!

That's the patio! Shut it off!

So, you're Whitney.

Yes. Look, there's been a mistake.
I haven't...

If I don't get the straight poop from
you I will take you in the kitchen

and cut off three of your fingers.

- You what?
- Don't "What?" me, honey boy.

I'd like to get that straight.

OK?

Straight, right?

I like this guy, Chip.

He gets the picture fast.
I like you, Lionel.

I'd offer you a chair, honey,
but we ain't got one.

- Do you mind standing?
- Please let us go.

We didn't do anything.
I don't even know what is all about.

- Oh.

I like that, Lionel.

You don't tell the skirt nothing.
That's good, real good.

How you coming with the power, Philip?
I hate working in the dark!

I don't know, I think...

That's the driveway! Kill it!

OK.

Let's start at the top.

You work for this guy... Turner, right?

- Who?
- Turner, E.L. Turner.

Con man. They call him Tenspeed.
You're one of his operatives?

I'm a stockbroker
and getting married on Saturday.

People are chasing me...

See? Already,
I'm getting tired of you, Lionel.

I'm beginning to think about kitchens
and butcher knives...

if you get my drift.

Is E.L. Turner a black guy,
good-looking,

about medium height and muscular,
about 35 or 36?

- That's the guy.
- OK.

What this man has done to me
would fill a book.

I was returning from San Francisco,
he claimed to be a driver

and he picked us up, me and my fiancée
and her family, at the airport.

He drove us home and some guys
started chasing us.

Then I was arrested for stealing
the limo and this Turner,

if that's his name,

got the charges dropped
and he left his valise in the limo...

Hold it. OK. Valise.

Didn't what's-his-face say something
about a valise?

- Hemmet. Yeah.
- Get it!

Go get it!

- OK.
- Well, that's all.

The valise is in my Datsun

'cause I thought
it was Ruth LaCrosse's bag

and I won't be able to get it back to
Turner

until the wedding rehearsal tonight
at 10 o'clock and that's all I know.

Do you know this guy?

Well, let's hear it.

He's one of the ones
who was chasing Turner.

Well, what he is in fact, Lionel,
he's a Nazi.

You know me, I'm a patient guy.

But when these guys go on
and pop my uncle Sam,

shoot him in the head...

I'm losing my patience!

- Sam Diagusta was your uncle?
- Yeah.

You got anything more for me, chicky,
eh, eh?

- Please...
- Eh?

I told you everything.

I think you should lose
a couple of fingers, eh?

Get him out of here.

This guy, Hemmet, says my uncle was
fencing some diamonds for some Nazi

named Beuler.

He says my uncle Sam sold the diamonds,
kept the whole bundle...

told Beuler to go whistle for it.

So Beuler and his Nazi friends...

He put one in my uncle Sam's forehead.

In his forehead.

This makes me mad.

They pick up my aunt Celeste...

and they scare her silly.

She tells them the money
from the diamonds

is in uncle Sam's safety deposit box.

So, they drag poor aunt Celeste
down there to open the box.

That's where I'm missing a piece.

How the money gets from the box to this
guy, Tenspeed Turner, is a mystery.

But he ends up with it
and they're chasing him.

The money is fine, I mean, I like money.

But for this money, I do not lust.

But for killing my uncle Sam,

this is something for which
I will demand payment!

I don't know how to help you,
I'm just a stockbroker.

Don't believe him, Mr T.

When I picked them up, he and the skirt

were talking about greasing
some guy named Plum.

- They hit him with a pipe.
- No.

That's a game,
we were talking about a game of Clue.

Give me the number. You got it?

Come on. You call this number there.

You ask for that Nazi goofball, Beuler,

and you tell Beuler
you've got his money.

And you tell them show up
at the church at 10 tonight.

No. At the rehearsal?
That's my wedding rehearsal, don't...

- Hey! Do you think I care about
your wedding rehearsal?

I ain't fooling around here. Do it!

I don't believe you.
Where do people like you come from?

Me?

Oh, I come from the Bronx.
I make my home in Manhattan.

Fifth Avenue.

- Beuler here.
- This is Lionel Whitney.

I've got the money. It's in a valise.

If you come to Saint Veronica's church
tonight, I'll give it to you.

I want to talk to Hemmet.

Where the hell was Lionel?

We have a dinner and the groom
doesn't even show up!

He'd better be inside or I don't know
how in the name of God

we could have the rehearsal.

The best man didn't show up.

Fred is picking up his folks
at the airport.

This is a private wedding rehearsal.

Walt Rogers, but everybody calls me
Skipper. I'm the assistant organ master.

If you need anything, ask old Skipper.

The organ's been acting up
on the E stops,

but I think it's gonna be alright.

You folks, have a nice rehearsal here.
Remember, Skipper, OK?

- Hi!
- Hi, honey! How are you doing?

Father O'Brien?

Father O'Brien?

Where the hell is Father O'Brien?

- He left the hotel ahead of us.
- He should be here.

- We need the priest.
- Or the groom or the best man.

It's a disaster
and it can't get any worse.

- Yeah.
- Hello, my darlings! How is everyone?

Mo, go around the side. Tiny, sit on the
girl.

Do you see that Datsun
in the parking lot?

No, but I see it
in front of the church.

Ugh! Traffic was a dog!

How are you doing, bunky?
Got the old butterflies yet?

- Who are you?
- Friends of the bride.

Do you still have that bag,
the black one?

Yeah. Do you want it?

Listen, why don't you go on inside
and tell everybody

that Lionel will be in soon?

Go ahead.

OK, Whitney, walk in there
with this bag and see what happens.

Those Nazis oughta make a move for it.
Just let them have the bag.

We'll take it from there, OK? Go.

Go!

Lionel! Where have you been?

If that priest will show up,
we can get started.

Where were you? You've been
keeping us waiting for half an hour.

Hello!

Hello.

- Who the hell are you?
- Father Dwight Morris.

- Where's Father O'Brien?
- He won't be able to make it.

- Why not?
- He was in a car accident.

He banged his head,
they took him to the hospital.

He asked if I'd sub for him.

- He says not to worry, he'll be fine.
- Let's get on with it.

Everyone gather around up by the altar.

The bridesmaids on the right,
the groomsmen on the left.

Who are the parents of the bride?

- We are.
- Over here, please.

Help! Get me out of here!

Help!

Hey, who are you, man?

I'm Father O'Brien, he took my robes.

Hey!

I'll take that, son.

We can't have you...

go through this carrying a suitcase.

- Give it here, please.
- What's going on up there?

Stay right where you are.

Let's go. Rehearsal's over.

Martha, keep your hands out!

The minister's been shot!

Get out!

Get out!

Hey, look, I think we better
just control ourselves, man.

Myself? I'll control myself. Get out!
I said get out!

- You don't know what you're doing.
- I know exactly what I'm doing.

Before you come any closer,
I'm instructed to inform you

that my hands and my feet are considered
lethal weapons.

And if you proceed from this point on,
it's at your own risk.

I have a third-degree black belt.

Me too.

Come on...

OK, alright?

King's ex, OK? Uncle?

Hey, come on.

Hey, man! Uncle, OK?

What's wrong with you, man?

In 10 hours, you've just ruined my live,
you know?

- Lionel, calm down.
- Calm down?

You've put me between
the American Nazi party and the mob,

and you say calm down?

I'm gonna kill you! Whoever you are,
I'm gonna catch you and kill you!

Reason can never prevail
in an atmosphere of violence.

Don't you just love this guy?

You're being very juvenile
about all this.

Maybe it's time!

I'm tired of being a doormat
for everybody.

I'm gonna start doing the stomping,
and you're gonna be my first customer.

Ah, two wrongs never make a right.
What happened to the Golden Rule?

You know, things like,
"Live and let live." "Do unto others."

"Don't strike out in anger."

We're all going to get murdered,
don't you that?

Lionel?

It's the minister, Lionel.

He's dead.

That's no minister, he's a Nazi.

I don't believe this.

I don't believe this.
How can this be happening?

Don't cry.

Don't cry.

I've never met anyone like you before.

Never.

Is he dead?

Forget it. I told you to get out of
here.

Hey, man. You're mad at me,
I can get behind that.

I mean, things have been a little
strange,

but look, do you believe
in situational time warps, Lionel?

That's where space and time come
together in little eddies of disaster

sometimes sweeping innocent lives
into areas of total darkness.

Gibberish! That's the kind of stuff
that gets me mad!

Alright, come on, man,
stay frosty, OK?

Atta boy.

- I wanna see who this guy is.
- Good idea.

See what's in his pockets.

- Did you find anything?
- Yes.

Gimme the cards.

"Arrival Friday, E. Brandt.
Aero Paraguayous. Gate 38, 7am."

E. Brandt, I don't know who that is.

- Look for a secret compartment.
- Come on.

Nazi's are cornballs,
and go for that sort of thing.

Look for a secret compartment area.

- Don't be angry.
- I'm not angry with you.

- Voilà.
- Voilà.

Oh, man, you're not gonna believe this.

Seems like this guy
was Hitler's personal doctor.

He took Hitler's getaway money
when everything was caving in.

Over a million in diamonds.

We've got Hitler's doctor,
can we ask for more?

Just seems to sort of round out
the whole caper.

Would you stop acting like
I put all this together?

I wasn't even born
when this gig started.

I'm really sorry I've got you messed up
in this, man.

You're not gonna believe this,
but I'm really not a bad guy.

You should never do your own
commercials, reeks of insincerity,

I still don't know who you are.

My real name is E.L. Turner.

You see, E.L. Stands for Early Leroy.

You see, I was born in a taxi
so my mother called me Early.

Lionel, that's no excuse,

but you try going through life
with a joke name and it distorts you.

So what are we gonna do now?

I don't know, Lionel,
I guess it's up to you.

But what are we gonna do?
We can't just do nothing.

We aren't gonna do nothing.

All my life, whenever I've come
to a stop sign, I've stopped.

This once, I'm gonna keep going.

If this Nazi war criminal
is planning to come into the country,

then one way or another,
I'm going to stop him.

The white zone is for loading
and unloading of passengers only.

No parking, please.

- What's going on?
- Do I know?

You stay inside the car,
watch the money. We'll check this out.

You stay inside, watch the money.
We'll check this out.

Alright, let's go.

OK, OK.

Flight 26 to Phoenix,
Denver and Fort Worth...

When's the Paraguayan team coming in?

I think that's them now.

Passengers who have not checked in,

please do so immediately.

I know what he's doing.

Nazis have lots of political juice
in Paraguay.

Erhardt Brandt,
he's going in with athletes.

Athletes hand your passports
to a team coach

- and he puts them through in 2 minutes.
- Says who?

I was on the Pomona College Pistol Team.
We went to Mexico, it was like that.

- Pistol team? You?
- Pistol team. Yes.

You know, when I first met you,

I had you figured
for another brown shoe.

A person in a 3 piece suit,
brown shoes,

Dow Jones square tie person...

- You are insulting me?
- You're a marksman.

Bang-bang, shoot them up.
I got you covered.

- Not people, targets.
- Can we use the karate?

Mr Okahamu says karate
should never be used in anger.

Mr Okahamu is grossly misinformed.

Strategy meeting.

They are killers,
we must call the cops.

- Can't.
- Why not?

There's always a plausibility factor

but this has no plausibility.

- What are you talking about?
- A hypothetical situation.

A what?

You go to this cop
and say to this flatfoot:

"Excuse me, but Hitler's doctor
is coming to town

and a neo-Nazi party is here
at now to meet him.

Now, Sam Diagusta's nephew
and about 50 of his thugs are here

and they're gonna fight it out

over some diamonds that the Nazi party
is fencing through the underworld."

- What do you get?
- The truth.

No, you've got
a low plausibility factor.

Two options for him.

He can risk being laughed off
the force,

or he can wrap you up in newspaper,
ship you off to the lollipop factory,

where you can watch television,
play cards with a bunch of nuts.

It's the money, isn't it?

If I tell the cops, you lose the money.

You are a 3 piece suit,
do you know that?

And you're gonna end in some morgue
with a tag on your toe

'cause you haven't got a clue
about what you're doing.

When I try, I can be very plausible.

Brown shoe.

- Officer.
- What is it?

That man over there with a medical bag
is Brandt, Hitler's doctor.

- Hitler is dead.
- No, in Germany, 30 years ago.

He's a war criminal,

I know it sounds nuts,
but he's trying to get in illegally.

There are members of the Nazi party
here now,

along with underworld figures, who...

Forget it.

Never mind, forget everything I said.

Let's go.

Make a move and I'll shiv you.

I'm getting married on Saturday.

Shut up! Take him to the bus.

Flight 26 to Phoenix, Denver and Fort
Worth, now loading at gate 11.

All passengers who have not
checked in at the ticket counter,

please do so immediately.

The white zone is for loading
and unloading of passengers only.

No parking, please.

Well, well, the bridegroom.

I don't know what you think you're
doing, but you're in deep trouble.

I know about Hitler's doctor
and I've told others.

And you can kill me if you want to,
but others will stop you.

I want that money.

- Where is it?
- I don't have it.

We have our ways
of finding out these things.

I'm being held prisoner here!
Can I have some help?

They're not what they seem to be!

- That's Hitler's doctor!
- We can do something.

Can you see him? What...

Let's sit him back.

I have no more time. Where's the money?

I gave it to the police.

If you don't tell us where it is
by the time this bus stops, you're dead.

I have nothing more to lose.

The white zone is for loading
and unloading of passengers only.

No parking, please.

They have him! He is in the bus.

I know. I saw.

I told him to forget it,
he wouldn't listen. Now, look at him.

- We should call the police.
- We can't do that. They'll kill him.

You take this and you get in the car,
follow that bus.

When you see the tail lights
start blinking,

throw the money out the window.

- What?
- Don't ask.

You don't know what I've been through
for this money.

- What are you gonna do?
- Drive the bus.

You've got a flat!

Huh?

I said you've got a flat
on the left back tyre.

Come on, I'll show you!

- Come on!
- Just a minute, folks.

You see?

- Nothing wrong with that.
- You rolled over a nail, I saw you.

Give me your hat, I'll hold it for you.

This better not be no joke, mister.

In five minutes, we'll begin the open
ceremonies for the Pan American Games.

- Lionel, Lionel.
- E.L.!

I hate to leave things half done,
don't you?

Let's go!

I'm crazy.

But I'm not that crazy. Let's go!

Now, you can tell them.

Go on, Whit.

This man was Hitler's doctor. He escaped
with a million in diamonds.

The neo-Nazi party made a deal with
Sam Diagusta to fence them,

but Sam didn't pay off.

Are you listening?

These Nazis made a deal with the Mafia
to fence diamonds in this country and...

What are you doing?
This is the truth. E.L., Help me!

What are they doing? E.L...

Morris Ashton, track security.
What's going on? Can I help you, folks?

I think we should move to separation.

Two trials instead of one.

No, if I get tried along with E.L.

the judge will have to be more
lenient with the sentence, right?

That's suicide. Would you tell him?

He's right.

You said
that since we gave back the money

and since we did end up catching
a German war criminal

and 10 mobsters and neo-Nazis,
that the judge might go easy.

I'll see what I can do.
You got a job, Turner?

Half a dozen, but none of which
I'm licensed or commissioned to do.

But he's very good at them.

Show them, Tenspeed.

The move to separate
is neo-rhem pertinae.

I realise you have
a difficult precedent here.

If you cite Massachusetts v. Morris
Wilcox, you maybe convince the judge.

- I know that case.
- Yes?

- Jail house lawyer?
- No, sir, two years at Yale Law.

I was expelled
for rigging a student election

and skipping to Tijuana with the funds.

You should have been with me.

- Is he on the level?
- Almost never.

- Guard. You wanted me to bring you this.
- Yes, thank you.

- Is that all you want?
- Yes.

I'd have an easier time,
if you had a legitimate job.

The judge might find it
difficult to OR you

if he thinks you're just gonna hit the
bricks and start up your con games.

Tell the judge he's gonna be an employee
of the Lionel Whitney Agency.

OK, I'll see what I can do.

What kind of agency
is the Lionel Whitney Agency?

I've given this a lot of thought...

Yeah?

I'm gonna take out a licence,
become private detective.

- Private eyes? Yeah?
- Yeah.

Why don't we make it a talent agency?

There's a lot of scams run on talent.
We can make a lot of money too.

You're through with con games.

If you work in my agency,
everything is straight up.

- I don't know, private eyes?
- Yes, private eyes, you and I.

That might not be bad. There's some
great scams we can run as private eyes.

No, no scams. We're straight up.

That's the way Mark Savage does it,
the way we'll do it. You with me?

Yeah, I'm with you. Yeah, we'll be...
a laugh a minute, you know?

Tenspeed and Brown Shoe.

- E.L., wanna hear something great?
- Look, don't read me that book.

It's kind of me and Martha,
I love this stuff.

But look, you've got to be cool,
alright?

I understand, but these guys don't...

"Savage says
that all's well that ends well.

But this one had ended
with Charlene back in New York,

and me with a lump in my throat.

Oh, yeah, I was gonna make it,
I was gonna be OK.

All the rest of my days,
I'd carry her with me

like a 20 pound weight on my heart.

I would smell that perfume wafting up
out of my dreams

to sting my cheek with tears.

Yeah, I was gonna be OK.

She was gone,
but I was still Mark Savage,

private eye."

- It's great, huh?
- It's magnificent.