Taxi (1978–1983): Season 5, Episode 13 - Louie Moves Uptown - full transcript

(theme song playing)

I don't even know why I
bother opening my mail.

It's always
the same thing.

Yeah, I know.
Bills, huh?

Checks.
Yeah...

Some days you just want to dump
the whole thing...

Checks?

Ever since my dad died

and my brother took charge
of my estate,

I've been getting checks,
lots of checks.

I suppose this is
a silly question.



In fact, uh, knowing you,
I think it might turn out

to be a silly question,
but anyway,

uh, why don't you
cash those?

Alex, Alex, Alex...

Yeah, I knew it was
absurd. I knew it.

When you cash them,
what have you got?

Money.

Money can be lost,
stolen or wasted

and you feel terrible.

This way, if anything
happens to them,

what have I lost?

Checks.

Iggy?
Yo.

Iggy, come over here,



come over here.

You know what you need?

You need somebody
to handle your money.

Now let me be
your business manager, Iggy.

Oh, uh...

I don't know, boss.

I've heard about
business managers

running off to Mexico
with their clients' money.

And if you did that,
I'd miss you like crazy.

Jim, Jim, Jim, come here.
Yeah.

I think we better go open up a
bank account for you right now.

Come on.

Okeydoke.

You got any
identification on you?

Sure.

"Jim Ignatowski."

Yeah.

You'll-you'll need
your driver's license.

Oh, you need two IDs?

Yeah.
Got it!

Louie!

What do you want?

I want to say something to you,

you miserable,
selfish, nasty man!

Maybe you noticed

that we have not had you
over to dinner

to our house
in over a month now.

Last night
Tony had us to dinner.

Now, everybody
we have had to dinner

has paid us back
except you.

In my country,
that is a terrible insult!

And I am tired
of waiting!

You are no longer welcome
in my home!

And I just want to tell you
that to your face!

You're never gonna taste
my jellied weasel feet again!

I'm going to be
a little bit late.

I love to touch her all over
when she's like this.

Louie, you seem upset.

So?

No, I mean
genuinely upset.

Yeah, Nardo, I'm upset.

The wife of the guy I like most
in this garage

just said I'm not welcome
in their home anymore.

You see,

I used to look forward
to those evenings.

So why don't you just invite
them over for dinner

at your apartment?

No, no, no, no.

You haven't seen
where I live now.

I don't invite any guests
over there.

It's cheap, but
it's a sewer.

I don't-I don't know
why I stay.

Because it's you?

I'm sorry.

So, Louie, you know,
you can afford a better place.

Why don't you get yourself
a nice apartment?

You know, it could be
a first step for you.

Eh...

If you could improve your style
of living,

next thing you know, you could
improve your whole life.

I love the way you're talking
to me, Nardo.

Nobody ever talks to me nicely,

and what you're saying
makes sense.

I've always wanted
a really great apartment.

And, you know, something plush

with the-with the pipes
inside the walls.

You know,

this could be the birth of a
whole new Louie De Palma.

Yeah.

Thanks, Nardo.

Sure.

(gasps)

(stammers)
Louie!

Ignore it!
Ignore it!

Ignore it!

That was the old Louie
saying good-bye.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.

Oh, ho-ho.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.

Mr. De Palma, is, uh, is this
what you had in mind?

How can I have this in mind?

I've never seen anything
like this in my life!

This is-this is-this is great!

Look at this fireplace.

Look at that.

And the rug.

Ooh, ooh.

Ooh...

Ooh!
(laughs)

This is...

Whoo-hoo!

And an ice maker!

An ice... I always wanted
an ice maker.

Look, look, look, it makes
those little ice cubes

with the hole in it.

Whoo!

Microwave?

You know,

I read somewhere where this guy
in Jersey

claims that he got sterilized
by one of these,

but-but I figure
he must have been cooking

in some weird position.

Oh, this is...

A balcony!

Oh...

Whoo-whoo!

(spits)

This is...
This place...

I mean, this is...

(doorbell chiming)

Was that the doorbell?

Mr. De Palma, I'm awfully sorry.

I normally wouldn't dream of
scheduling two clients at once,

but, you see, this was the only
time they could make it.

Hello.
MAN:
Hi.

Please,
won't you come in?

Now, uh, Mr. De Palma,

this is Mr.
and Mrs. Sheffield.

They both just
graduated law school.

Now what do you
think of that?

Well, give me a minute to rub
down the goose bumps.

We wanted a place like
this all our lives.

That long, huh?

Oh, it's just perfect for now.

Oh, Scott doesn't want to
have children right away.

Go stand by the microwave.

Mrs. Bascome,

I'm prepared
to talk financing.

Well, now this is what
we call a 50% building.

Mm-hmm.

Half the purchase price
must be paid

in cash,
no financing.

Now in this case,
that comes to $95,000.

(raspy gasp)

Geesh!

I'm afraid that's just a little
too rich for our blood.

Whoo!

(stammers):
Oh, me, too!

Ugh!

Ooh!

Aw!

Ah-ha!

Hah!

Hah! Whoo!

Ha!

Oh-ho!

$95,000...

I'll take it!

All right, Mrs. Bascome,
you wait right over here.

Okay, who wants
a really good cab today?

Oh, I do, boss.

Oh, good.

I'm glad you do, Iggy.

You know the rules now.

Oh, okeydoke.

How much do you want?

$48,000.

Okay, but if I'm gonna pay
that kind of money,

I want a cab
with a heater.

Hey, wait a minute.

Louie, what're you trying
to do here?
Louie...

Don't-don't
listen to them.

Don't listen to them.

Now, Iggy, I found
a co-op apartment

that I can buy into...
Uh-huh.

that is the apartment
of my dreams.

Now, I got most
of the money,

but I need $48,000 more
for the down payment.

Uh-huh.

Hey, now wait
a minute, Louie.

I'm not gonna let you take
advantage of him like that.

Uh, let the man speak.

Jim, you're the only
one I can turn to.

That's incredible.

I know, I know.

It's a lot of money,
I know, I know.

You called me "Jim."

This marks a turning point
in our relationship.

I want to remember
this day.

The red-letter day

when my boss and buddy
finally called...

I called you Jim.
Jim. Jim.

I know they say...

that money can't buy love.

Uh-huh.

But if you give me
these for 48 big ones,

it'll be Valentine's
Day forever.

You got it--
48 thou.

ALEX:
Wait a minute, Louie.

What are you trying to do here?
Hey, Louie, what're you
trying to pull here?

I am gonna pay him back.

And this is all
gonna be legal.

I'm gonna sign a
promissory note.

And I am gonna pay him

the prime interest rate.

Three percent.

12.75.

Okeydoke.

Okeydoke.

I got it.

I got the money!

Okay, now let's-let's do
the proper papers here.

Okay, okay.

Let's start the paperwork
rolling.

But before you buy
the apartment,

you still have
to be interviewed

and approved by
the co-op board.

And let me tell you, they
are very straitlaced

and they have this kind
of preconceived notion

of what their neighbors
should be like.

Oh.

JIM:
Don't despair, boss.

When I applied to Harvard,
they told me

I'd never get past
their stodgy admissions board.

But I did.

All you've got to do
is dress nicely,

shake hands firmly,

and have your dad
finance a gymnasium.

ALEX:
Yeah, wait, wait,
wait, hold on.

(knocking on door)
Yeah, yeah.

Reiger.
What the hell
are you doing?

You got to help me.

I've got to face that
interview board in an hour,

and I am not ready.

Well, I'm not
gonna help you.

There's justice in this,
you know that?

You're finally gonna have
to take the responsibility

of being what you really are.

You're as ready
as you're ever gonna be.

You're wrong.

I can't even pick out
a suit, Reiger.

My appearance is crucial.

Oh, would you get out of here?
I can't. I can't.

I told Iggy to meet me here
with the money.

What do you think, huh?

What do you think?

Well, if you're really, uh,

so concerned
about your appearance,

you might start
with a few personal items.

Like what?

Like your fingernails
for one.

What? You think
they should be trimmed?

I think they should
be condemned.

You can at least
soak them in something

to get the crud off.

Great. Soak the crud off.

These are the little
grooming tips I need.

(knocking on door)
I don't mean here. Not here...

Oh, your banker
is here.

Hi, Alex.
Hi, Jim.

Iggy. Hi, Iggy.

What's the boss doing?

Well, you see, he's, uh,

he's very self-conscious
about his appearance.

Well, then it's our job
to put him at his ease.

No, no, no, no,
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?

It's all right, it's all
right, it's all right.

He's-he's gonna put
a suit on any minute.

Don't worry about it.
All right.

Come on, come on, Reiger,
you got to help me

pick a suit for the interview.

No, I don't.

All right then,
if you're not gonna help me

pick the clothes out,

at least you can
come with me.

I'm not gonna go with you.

Then help me pick
out a suit.

What are you going
so nuts over this for?

Because I don't
want to be beat

by the system again,
all right?

What system?

The system.

You know,

like when some guy
thinks that,

I don't know,
that you don't look right,

and-and you're not good enough

to get something
that you really want.

I don't know, the system.

I can't explain it.
You wouldn't understand.

I'll wear the blue one.

No, I think I understand that.

I think I know
what you're talking about.

You mean like when you're
returning to your seat

at a ball game and the, uh,
usher wants to check your stub

because, uh,
you look like somebody

who might have snuck in
from the cheap seats.

Like that?

Yeah, yeah, like that.

Yeah.

When you go to a clothing store,
you got one arm in the suit

and the salesman runs off
to help another guy

who looks like
a better prospect.

Yeah, yeah, that's
it, that's the...

Or when you're
at a restaurant

and they seat you
at a table...

They seat you with the guy
with the rented tie.

Or the rented jacket.
Yeah, like that.

Yeah, or when you walk into
a bank to open an account

and a security guard undoes
the flap on his holster.

ALEX:
Exactly.

Exactly.

That's exactly
what I'm talking about.

You don't think I know
about the system?

I know about the system.

Here, put on
the gray suit.
The gray suit.

Wear the gray suit.
Gray suit.

And I'm gonna give you
one of my ties.

Reiger, Reiger,
will you go with me?

Yeah, I'll go with you.

Oh, good.

Here. Put this one on.

Oh, ooh.

All right. All right,
look, look, Reiger--

that's very nice-- look, you
don't have to say anything.

All you've got to do
is-is watch me, you know,

and give me a look in case
I say something stupid.

What do you mean,
"give you a look"?

LOUIE:
I don't know.
Perhaps something like this?

Iggy, will you cut it out.

Do you...
do you still love me, boss?

You got 48 grand in your jeans?

You bet.

You're my heart's desire.

(doorbell chimes)

Very lovely.

Welcome,
Miss Marshall.

I'm Mrs. Gwinn.

This is Mr. Blount
and Mr. Parker.

Gentlemen, this is
Miss Marshall.

She's interested
in buying 16-B.

Well, I see you have quite
a nice annual income

for a single person.

That's her weekly income.

No.

What exactly do you do
for all that money?

I star in a television
comedy series.

Uh, maybe you've seen it.

It's been on for
eight years.

It's on every day
and at night, you know,

¶ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated ¶

One, two, three..."

Do you have any kids?

Can you describe it?

Well, um,

it's more like
a physical comedy show.

Physical?

Yeah, like last week
I was in a space suit

flying across the room
doing flips and stuff.

And another week

I was in a fish tank
swimming around with fish.

And then the other week
I was a chicken.

They pay you all that money
to be a chicken?

I just don't act like a chicken.

It's based on reality.

You know, see, I had to live
in a store window for a week

and I was claustrophobic,

so they sent for a hypnotist,
and so he hypnotized me,

but every time a bell went off,
I acted like a chicken.

If I ding like a bell,
would you do the chicken?

Oh, please, lady.

Oh, please, you do want to live
in this building, don't you?

Oh, go on,
please.

Ding.

(imitating chicken clucking)

(laughing)

Thank you, Miss Marshall.

We, speaking truthfully,

don't like the lifestyle

or the type of people
associated with show business.

Frankly...

we wouldn't allow an
actor to live here

even if he were English.

Good day, Miss Marshall.

Good day?

Because I'm an actress?

I didn't even want
to do the chicken.

She rang the bell.

Look, I happen to work very hard
at being an actress,

and I'm very proud of being one.

You know, acting happens to be

a very noble and dignified
profession.

So on behalf of myself

and all the other members
of my profession,

there's just one thing that
I'd like to say to you all.

I didn't know you lived
in this building.

Boy, I'm getting into
some classy building.
Hey.

No, no, no, I'm not living
in this building.

They rejected me
because I'm an actress.

Look, I don't know what you do
for a living,

but if they accept you,

please don't let me know.

Uh, that woman
looked very familiar.

She's an actress.

She's not gonna live
in this building?

Oh, no.

No, no, no,
we rejected her.

We can begin.

Uh, this is Alex Reiger.

Hi.

See, he's
my accountant.

What do you do
for a living, Mr. De Palma?

Well, uh,

I'm-I'm a supervisor
in the transportation field.

Mr. De Palma is
a taxi dispatcher.

It's an honest job providing
a very valuable service

to the people of this city.

Anything wrong with that?

Mr. De Palma,
you're Italian.

Is that right?

Yes, I'm...

Why do you ask that?

I'm sorry,
I'm not talking to you.

Oh, uh, I don't mean that.

Reiger, Reiger, Reiger...
I mean, what does
that matter.

I mean, does
that determine

whether he gets into
the building or not?

Do you object to
certain ethnic groups,

is that-is that
what it is?

Reiger...

No, no, Mr. Reiger,

we have all kinds
in this building,

including three Jewish people.

Oh, and what makes you
assume that I'm Jewish?

Point well made, sir.

We-we shouldn't
jump to conclusions.

Perhaps someone in his family
was a pelican.

(laughing)

Reiger, Reiger, Reiger.
(angry muttering)

Pelican... the pelican,
it's a regal bird,

it's a noble bird,
it's a fine bird.

A very good bird.

It was a compliment.

Please, please, please,
please, please, please,

please, please, Reiger...

What kind of friends
do you have, Mr. De Palma?

What? What do you, what are you
asking something like that for?

We have to know
what sort of people

will be coming and going
in our building.

Oh, you do, do you?

I never entertain.

Oh, now, now, now, Louie.

Let's be honest.
No, let's be honest.

Once a year the British
ambassador comes over

(with British accent):
for a spot of sherry.

Is that all right with you?

You're very hostile,
Mr. Reiger.

Yes, you bet I am.

And I'm getting so, more so,
by the minute.

I don't like anything
that's been said here.

You don't need this.

You don't need
these people.

You don't need
this humiliation.

No... no apartment
in this city is worth it.

Let them sell to one
of their own kind,

one of them as pompous and
self-righteous as they are.

Come on, Louie,
let's get out of here.

You're fired.

You are no longer
my accountant.

What could I say?

I don't know what
got into the man.

He came highly
recommended.

Look, I never want
to cause a scene,

but, uh, I mean,
his... his rudeness

was just too much,
just intolerable.

Well, well, well,
Mr. De Palma.

I think you've shown us
what we need to know.

Welcome to the building.

Call me Louis.

Wait a minute, Louie.

Are you gonna
go through with this?

So that you can have
the privilege of living here

with these-these posturing
chowderheads?

And you're gonna allow
this-this canker sore of a man

into your building?

To live with
day after day,

possibly for the rest
of your lives?

That's right,
Mr. Reiger.

And what are you going
to do about it?

(chuckles)

Cartwheels, all the way home.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)