Taxi (1978–1983): Season 5, Episode 12 - Get Me Through the Holidays - full transcript
Alex is visited by his ex-wife, who not only has the holiday blues she refuses to let anyone else have merry spirits, especially Alex.
(theme song playing)
(sports broadcast playing)
Come on, get 'em... get 'em!
Oh, damn, damn, damn!
Hey, hey, hey.
What happened
to "Ho, ho, ho"?
Christmas ain't what
it used to be, Alex.
It's the worst bowl game
I've ever seen.
Both teams stink.
This ain't a bowl game;
it's a tapestry.
Tapestry?
Yeah, you know, a tapestry.
It's ridiculous. It's a joke.
It's not a tapestry;
it's a travesty.
Well, I admit there was
some good action
in the first quarter.
(knock at door)
You expecting somebody?
No.
The Easter Bunny?
Baby New Year?
The Great Pumpkin?
Ho, ho, ho.
(laughing)
Phyllis.
Hi, Alex.
Hi.
Oh, excuse me.
You know, I once had
a maternity suit like that.
Oh, no, no, I'm dressed
like this 'cause, uh,
I'm going down
to the youth center
to give out presents
to the juvenile delinquents.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, what a
wonderful idea.
Certainly a novel way
to escape the loneliness
and depression that
haunts so many of us
on Christmas Eve.
Oh, yeah. Phyllis.
Your ex-wife.
Well, I got to go.
They're expecting me
down at the center.
If I'm late
with the presents,
they'll start opening up
each other.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Bye-bye.
Tony.
Bye.
Bye.
Well, Phyllis,
what brings you here
on Christmas Eve?
Alex,
a crazy thing happened,
and I think it may have been
God speaking to me.
At 3:15 this afternoon,
it struck me
that I really
wanted to see you.
At that same moment,
I knew
that you were thinking
that you wanted to see me.
Now, was I right, Alex?
Is there a God?
Well, I think a lot of things
all the time.
I mean, uh,
it's possible I might
have been thinking
about you, but...
Really?
Oh, I thought I was making
the whole thing up.
Phyllis,
what are you
doing here?
Get me through
the holidays, Alex.
Please.
Oh, Phyllis!
That's right.
"Oh, Phyllis."
Alex, you know
I don't have any friends,
our daughter is
out of the country,
and my other ex-husband
recently won a court order
that forbids me to get
within 400 yards of him.
Oh, no.
Please, Alex, please.
I just don't want
this Christmas
to be like
last Christmas.
Anything but that.
I just can't go
through that again.
Not that.
Phyllis, I'm not
going to ask you
what happened
last Christmas.
You're not?
I swear to
God I'm not.
Well, good, because I'm not
about to tear open a wound
that healed
after a year.
Good.
Okay, good.
Alex, I'm really not
asking for much.
You know, we could make
a little eggnog.
Oh, no, please.
We could start a fire.
Phyllis, please.
We'll roast a goose.
No.
Alex, we can invite
your friends over.
We can have a
little party.
I don't want to
invite my friends...
I think I could scrape up
a band at the last minute.
No, I really...
I really don't think so.
Look, Phyllis, I-I'd really like
to help you,
but I-I got to go to work.
In fact, I got to go leave
right now.
You're working?
Christmas Eve?
Yeah, that's right.
Oh, God, how pathetic.
Oh, don't feel sorry
for me.
No, I'm talking
about me.
I mean, you've
got it made.
Good tips, not much traffic,
interesting people.
Can I come along with you?
No.
Alex, I won't
bother your fares.
I'll lie on
the floor.
They won't even
know I'm there.
No!
In the trunk, then.
Just leave it open a
crack so I can breathe.
Phyllis!
Please, Alex.
Okay, but just a crack.
No, what am I talking about?
You can't come with me.
I'm sorry.
Alex, don't kick me out!
Let me at least stay here
until midnight
so my doorman will think
that I had someplace to go.
Give me that, Alex.
Let me impress my doorman.
Okay, you can stay here.
(sighs)
(stammering)
There's some
leftover Jiffy Pop.
And, uh, there's a...
there's a rerun
of Frosty the Snowman
on television.
You're a saint, Alex.
I-I know.
Thank you.
(loudly):
Thank you... saint.
(humming)
Jeff.
I know you got your family
at home waiting for you.
It's Christmas Eve.
What the hell?
I'm going to let you
go home early.
Go on.
Get out of here.
Merry Christmas.
Louie, I get off
in six minutes.
Well, go, enjoy them.
Merry Christmas, Jim.
Merry Christmas, Alex.
(mumbling)
(crying)
Merry Christmas,
Elaine.
Merry Christmas.
(sobbing)
Aw.
Drop the kids off
at the airport, did you?
(sobbing):
Yes.
Aw.
Why, Alex, why?
This is the second year in a row
I've let them choose
where to spend Christmas
and they picked their father.
Now I'm wondering if they
love him more than they love me.
Why? Why, Alex?
Well, doesn't he have that
great, uh, ski chalet in Aspen?
No, I mean,
why do I let them choose?
Listen,
I'll get you coffee.
You all right?
Yes.
Cheer up.
(moans)
(tap shoes clattering)
Telegram for Elaine Nardo!
Over here.
¶ Grab your coat
and get your hat, Elaine ¶
¶ Leave your worries
by the doorstep, Elaine ¶
¶ Life can be so sweet, Elaine
¶ On the sunny side of the
¶ Sunny side of the
¶ Sunny side
of the street, Elaine ¶
¶ Cheer up for the holidays
and have a merry Christmas ¶
¶ Elaine.
Aw.
(applause)
Oh!
(laughs)
Aw! I wonder who sent that.
Well, that depends.
Did you like it?
I loved it.
I-I sent it.
Oh, thank you!
You're welcome.
What better way to spend
my inheritance money
than spreading a little joy
to my friends?
ALEX:
Yeah.
Right, Alex?
Hey, now, wait a second.
Now, wait a minute.
I hope that little wink
doesn't mean
you're going to do something
like that for me.
Why?
Why?
Because I would feel
very embarrassed
at everybody staring at me
while some Phillip Morris boy
came in here and tap-danced
and sang at me.
You've got nothing
to worry about, Alex.
I would never send a
Phillip Morris boy
for a guy like you.
All right, all right.
Okay.
¶ Telegram, telegram,
telegram ¶
¶ Telegram, telegram,
telegram ¶
I wonder who that could be for.
Wait a minute.
¶ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ¶
(continues singing
indistinctly)
¶ Alex Reiger should
be jolly ¶
Why don't you
take a hike, huh?
Yes, very good.
¶ That's why Jim
has sent me here ¶
Hey, could you
keep it down?
¶ Take it from a
dancing fruitcake ¶
¶ You should be happy
'cause you're such a ¶
(muttering)
¶ Cute cake.
Thank you very much.
Why don't you just
sweep it on out?
Everybody!
EVERYONE:
¶ You should be happy
For crying out loud!
¶ 'Cause you're
such a cute cake. ¶
Shut up, will ya?!
Merry Christmas.
You don't have
to say anything, Alex.
The look in your eyes
is thanks enough.
Okay, drivers, listen up here.
On behalf of myself
and the Sunshine Cab Company,
on this Christmas Eve,
I just want to say...
watch out for drunk drivers
and don't pick up anybody
who might puke in your cab.
Noel, Noel, joy to the world.
And get your butts out of here.
Donald, 218.
Uh, Q.K., cab 387.
Hi!
Latka told me that you
are making the cabbies
work tonight,
and I think that's terrible.
I didn't say they had to work.
I just said,
if they didn't work,
they might not get cabs
with the luxuries
that they've grown
accustomed to...
like reverse.
Well, Latka and I are having
a party tonight, Mr. Scrooge,
and I want to
get on the radio
and invite all
our friends.
(grunts)
Well, what would it take for you
to... to let us invite
all our friends?
$500.
Okay.
Will you take a check?
But, Simka,
how are we going to--
Shut up, my darling!
(smooches)
SIMKA:
There.
I don't think I'll be able
to cash a check
made out to
"The Bloodsucking Jackal."
Really?
Why?
Who would question it?
Simka, I do work for this man.
And I didn't hear
my name mentioned
in regard to the party, either.
Louie...
Louie, you poor, pathetic thing.
You only wanted money
because you thought you
weren't going to be invited.
Oh, Louie.
Oh, Louie,
Louie, Louie.
Poor Louie.
Does this mean
I'm invited?
If we have to.
I accept.
Yes!
I'll go spruce up.
You can use the radio.
Thank you, boss!
Reiger, Reiger.
Come in, Reiger.
(over radio):
Yeah, this is Alex.
Go ahead.
Uh, Louie said you don't
have to work tonight,
so come on over and spend
Christmas Eve tonight.
I-I have to go now.
Uh, that's a big ten-four,
good buddy.
Now, Simka, Simka,
I'm afraid I'm going
to have to say no,
but, uh, thank you anyway.
Should I bring something
to the party?
Oh, uh,
Simka has made everything
we need.
Do you like Christmas ham
with, uh, honey glaze
and pineapples on it?
Yeah.
Good.
Then you better bring one.
Hi, Phyllis.
I was just dropping by.
I thought I'd just stop in
and see how you were doing.
Did you eat all that?
Mm.
Alex, I just want to thank you
for not kicking me out.
This Christmas is so much better
than last year.
You really did
eat all that?!
You know, I eat
when I'm depressed.
I ate everything
in the refrigerator.
Well, anyway, I just, uh,
just want to see
how you were doing.
Did you know
that Frosty the Snowman melted
in the end?
Phyllis, I'm missing fares.
I have to go.
I'll, uh...
Alex, you know, sometimes,
when you look back,
things seem much better
than they actually
were, you know, but
I remember
we used to have some
wonderful Christmases together.
Yeah, you're right.
When you look back,
things do seem better.
No, no, no, no,
hey, no, no.
I mean, we had some wonderful
Christmases, we really did.
Look, I'll, um....
I'll check in
on you later, okay?
Can I get you anything?
A gallon of Rocky Road
and cable TV.
(laughs)
(laughs)
(laughs)
(laughs)
(both laughing)
Oh.
Rocky Road
and cable TV.
You want to go to a party?
Did you invite me to a party?
Or did I just have
a hypoglycemic rush?
No... come on.
I'll take you.
Really?
Yeah, come on.
Watching you
brings back old memories.
Every Christmas
my family would get a-a big,
beautiful, Scotch pine tree.
We'd gather around
and watch the servants
decorate it.
May I, for old times' sake?
Yeah, go ahead, Jim.
Not there, you fool!
Higher and to the left!
Boy, this is one
of the best Christmases
I've ever had.
Oh, the best!
(knocking on door)
Hi. Merry Christmas,
everybody!
Elaine!
(shrieks)
Look what my last fare
gave me!
What?
A manicure.
No, no, no, no.
This...
JIM:
Huh?
This gift. See?
Well, I picked this guy
up from the airport,
and he's coming back early
from a business trip, right?
So he's telling me
how great his wife is,
what a precious
jewel she is,
and how no present in the
world is worthy of her, right?
So we get to their house,
and she's out in the front
kissing some other guy.
SIMKA:
Wow!
So the guy leaves the cab,
and I say, "Wait a minute.
You forgot your gift," and he
says, "No, no, no, you keep it.
You deserve it more
than she does."
Well, open it!
ELAINE:
I know.
I wanted to wait.
I wonder
what it is.
I'll bet it's a watch.
No, no, not a watch,
but jewelry, I bet.
A pair of panties.
They say,
"Property of Hell's Angels."
Big spender.
A four-dollar item.
Six-fifty.
(knocking on door)
Oh, well.
Merry Christmas.
SIMKA:
Merry Christmas.
Oh.
Alex!
Oh, we're so glad
you could come.
Oh, hello, everybody.
You all remember
my ex-wife Phyllis?
Alex, do you have
to call me your ex-wife?
Oh, excuse me.
You remember Phyllis,
my podiatrist?
Welcome
to the party.
Oh, thank you very much.
Holidays are a time for
family, friends and joy.
And since I have none of those,
I'm glad to be here.
Phyllis, Phyllis,
Phyllis...
I see the life of the
party has arrived.
I got a great idea.
What?
Why don't we all tell
what we did last Christmas?
ELAINE:
Ooh.
Last Christmas?
Oh, no, that's a bad idea.
That's a terrible idea.
Just awful.
No, it'll be fun.
SIMKA:
Yeah.
Yeah, let's do it.
Who would like
to go first?
PHYLLIS:
No, no, no, no.
Last Christmas...
I was alone again,
so I decided,
uh, to go to a restaurant
where at least
I would be with some people.
So, um, sure enough...
I mean,
there must have been 50 people
at this restaurant--
a party of 49 and me.
Not one of those 49 people
asked me to join them.
Yeah.
Phyllis...
So I left.
I left, and I started
walking home.
And I kept bumping into
all sorts of happiness.
I mean, people
with loved ones,
just bustling to buy their
Christmas last-minute gifts.
And music
and laughter coming from
parties I wasn't
even invited to.
And suddenly,
I was struck...
By a bus, I hope.
No such luck, cutie.
I was struck
by a deeply
depressing revelation.
I am a lonely,
middle-aged woman
unable to deal
with Christmas.
(quiet moan)
Who invited
Alex's podiatrist?
(Alex speaks quietly,
indistinctly)
(knocking on door)
I...
Merry Christmas,
everybody.
(all talking)
Hey, listen, I hope
you don't mind, Simka,
but I brought some of the kids
from the youth center.
No, the more the merrier.
Come on.
LOUIE:
Hey.
TONY:
All right, all right,
listen, everybody,
this is Philly Fingers, Big Al
and Joey Mook over here.
Hello.
ALEX:
Hi.
Now, you guys steal anything,
I break your heads.
Say Merry Christmas.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I said say
Merry Christmas. Say it!
And God bless you. Say it!
BOYS (mumbling):
Merry Christmas.
All right, get over there
and sit down.
Latka, hide the silver.
In our country is tradition
that, at this time,
someone says the traditional
Christmas prayer.
Oh, yeah, and in our country,
it is a tradition
that the oldest woman
leads it.
Oh, no.
Oh, great; just great.
When were you born?
Uh, February, 1952.
February what?
Fourth.
Dear Lord...
Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Oh, we all have
to get ready.
Kneel for the prayer.
I said kneel
for the prayer.
Kneel. Come on, Al,
kneel, I said.
Good boys.
Okay, is everybody ready?
Yeah, let the good times roll.
Dear Lord, no offense,
but, uh,
could you spend less time
with the people
that don't need it?
I mean, like the women
from the Ice Capades
and ballplayers.
I mean, Lord,
what do you care
if a guy's stranded
on second base?
You got better
things to do.
Phyllis,
you're nudging God.
Also, for me, Lord,
stop short skirts
and bring back
two refills
per prescription
on Valium.
Oh.
And peace on earth
and goodwill
toward men.
Nice of you
to throw that in, Phyllis.
Yeah, great prayer, Phyllis.
If I could die now,
I'd be a happy man.
Oh, really, uh,
I shouldn't have come here.
I mean, I feel like I-I
ruined everybody's Christmas.
No, no, no, no, no.
ELAINE:
No.
(knocking at door)
No, that-that's all right.
SIMKA:
Okay.
You can be as depressing
as you want.
It won't hurt,
because I've got money.
ALEX:
Well, what's money
got to do with it?
(chuckles)
This.
¶ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way ¶
(all continue singing,
indistinctly)
JIM: I didn't know
what to pick,
so I told 'em
to send everything.
Alex, about New Year's Eve.
What?
You don't have to see me.
I'm gonna be on an airplane
far, far away.
Oh.
It's my Christmas gift to you.
Uh-huh.
So, how do you like
your present?
Like it? L-Like it? I love it.
It's perfect.
How-How did you know?
Well, it was either that,
or a shirt.
(laughs)
(laughs)
Well, anyway, um...
so long as, you know,
I'm not gonna be here
New Year's Eve, uh, um...
could I have my kiss now?
Hm?
Oh, come on, Phyllis,
please, will you?
Come on, Alex.
No. Come on,
let's...
Come on.
Just give me
a little kiss. Come on.
Phyllis.
Phyllis,
please...
Alex, come on.
Come on, let's just pretend,
you know...
I don't want...
I don't want to...
Alex, come on, we'll just
pretend it's New Year's Eve.
Okay? Right here.
No, we don't have
to do this.
Four...
Phyllis...
Three...
Oh, come on, Phyllis.
Two...
Please, please.
One.
Why don't you just
make it a nice...
¶ Should auld
acquaintance ¶
Phyllis, Phyllis,
stop that.
¶ Be forgot
Phyllis,
Phyllis, stop that.
I'm not gonna
do it, Phyllis.
¶ And never
brought to mind...¶
Phyllis!
Happy New Year, Phyllis.
Happy New Year, Alex.
(theme song playing)
WOMAN:
Merry Christmas, Mr. Walters!
(man grumbling)
(sports broadcast playing)
Come on, get 'em... get 'em!
Oh, damn, damn, damn!
Hey, hey, hey.
What happened
to "Ho, ho, ho"?
Christmas ain't what
it used to be, Alex.
It's the worst bowl game
I've ever seen.
Both teams stink.
This ain't a bowl game;
it's a tapestry.
Tapestry?
Yeah, you know, a tapestry.
It's ridiculous. It's a joke.
It's not a tapestry;
it's a travesty.
Well, I admit there was
some good action
in the first quarter.
(knock at door)
You expecting somebody?
No.
The Easter Bunny?
Baby New Year?
The Great Pumpkin?
Ho, ho, ho.
(laughing)
Phyllis.
Hi, Alex.
Hi.
Oh, excuse me.
You know, I once had
a maternity suit like that.
Oh, no, no, I'm dressed
like this 'cause, uh,
I'm going down
to the youth center
to give out presents
to the juvenile delinquents.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, what a
wonderful idea.
Certainly a novel way
to escape the loneliness
and depression that
haunts so many of us
on Christmas Eve.
Oh, yeah. Phyllis.
Your ex-wife.
Well, I got to go.
They're expecting me
down at the center.
If I'm late
with the presents,
they'll start opening up
each other.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Bye-bye.
Tony.
Bye.
Bye.
Well, Phyllis,
what brings you here
on Christmas Eve?
Alex,
a crazy thing happened,
and I think it may have been
God speaking to me.
At 3:15 this afternoon,
it struck me
that I really
wanted to see you.
At that same moment,
I knew
that you were thinking
that you wanted to see me.
Now, was I right, Alex?
Is there a God?
Well, I think a lot of things
all the time.
I mean, uh,
it's possible I might
have been thinking
about you, but...
Really?
Oh, I thought I was making
the whole thing up.
Phyllis,
what are you
doing here?
Get me through
the holidays, Alex.
Please.
Oh, Phyllis!
That's right.
"Oh, Phyllis."
Alex, you know
I don't have any friends,
our daughter is
out of the country,
and my other ex-husband
recently won a court order
that forbids me to get
within 400 yards of him.
Oh, no.
Please, Alex, please.
I just don't want
this Christmas
to be like
last Christmas.
Anything but that.
I just can't go
through that again.
Not that.
Phyllis, I'm not
going to ask you
what happened
last Christmas.
You're not?
I swear to
God I'm not.
Well, good, because I'm not
about to tear open a wound
that healed
after a year.
Good.
Okay, good.
Alex, I'm really not
asking for much.
You know, we could make
a little eggnog.
Oh, no, please.
We could start a fire.
Phyllis, please.
We'll roast a goose.
No.
Alex, we can invite
your friends over.
We can have a
little party.
I don't want to
invite my friends...
I think I could scrape up
a band at the last minute.
No, I really...
I really don't think so.
Look, Phyllis, I-I'd really like
to help you,
but I-I got to go to work.
In fact, I got to go leave
right now.
You're working?
Christmas Eve?
Yeah, that's right.
Oh, God, how pathetic.
Oh, don't feel sorry
for me.
No, I'm talking
about me.
I mean, you've
got it made.
Good tips, not much traffic,
interesting people.
Can I come along with you?
No.
Alex, I won't
bother your fares.
I'll lie on
the floor.
They won't even
know I'm there.
No!
In the trunk, then.
Just leave it open a
crack so I can breathe.
Phyllis!
Please, Alex.
Okay, but just a crack.
No, what am I talking about?
You can't come with me.
I'm sorry.
Alex, don't kick me out!
Let me at least stay here
until midnight
so my doorman will think
that I had someplace to go.
Give me that, Alex.
Let me impress my doorman.
Okay, you can stay here.
(sighs)
(stammering)
There's some
leftover Jiffy Pop.
And, uh, there's a...
there's a rerun
of Frosty the Snowman
on television.
You're a saint, Alex.
I-I know.
Thank you.
(loudly):
Thank you... saint.
(humming)
Jeff.
I know you got your family
at home waiting for you.
It's Christmas Eve.
What the hell?
I'm going to let you
go home early.
Go on.
Get out of here.
Merry Christmas.
Louie, I get off
in six minutes.
Well, go, enjoy them.
Merry Christmas, Jim.
Merry Christmas, Alex.
(mumbling)
(crying)
Merry Christmas,
Elaine.
Merry Christmas.
(sobbing)
Aw.
Drop the kids off
at the airport, did you?
(sobbing):
Yes.
Aw.
Why, Alex, why?
This is the second year in a row
I've let them choose
where to spend Christmas
and they picked their father.
Now I'm wondering if they
love him more than they love me.
Why? Why, Alex?
Well, doesn't he have that
great, uh, ski chalet in Aspen?
No, I mean,
why do I let them choose?
Listen,
I'll get you coffee.
You all right?
Yes.
Cheer up.
(moans)
(tap shoes clattering)
Telegram for Elaine Nardo!
Over here.
¶ Grab your coat
and get your hat, Elaine ¶
¶ Leave your worries
by the doorstep, Elaine ¶
¶ Life can be so sweet, Elaine
¶ On the sunny side of the
¶ Sunny side of the
¶ Sunny side
of the street, Elaine ¶
¶ Cheer up for the holidays
and have a merry Christmas ¶
¶ Elaine.
Aw.
(applause)
Oh!
(laughs)
Aw! I wonder who sent that.
Well, that depends.
Did you like it?
I loved it.
I-I sent it.
Oh, thank you!
You're welcome.
What better way to spend
my inheritance money
than spreading a little joy
to my friends?
ALEX:
Yeah.
Right, Alex?
Hey, now, wait a second.
Now, wait a minute.
I hope that little wink
doesn't mean
you're going to do something
like that for me.
Why?
Why?
Because I would feel
very embarrassed
at everybody staring at me
while some Phillip Morris boy
came in here and tap-danced
and sang at me.
You've got nothing
to worry about, Alex.
I would never send a
Phillip Morris boy
for a guy like you.
All right, all right.
Okay.
¶ Telegram, telegram,
telegram ¶
¶ Telegram, telegram,
telegram ¶
I wonder who that could be for.
Wait a minute.
¶ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ¶
(continues singing
indistinctly)
¶ Alex Reiger should
be jolly ¶
Why don't you
take a hike, huh?
Yes, very good.
¶ That's why Jim
has sent me here ¶
Hey, could you
keep it down?
¶ Take it from a
dancing fruitcake ¶
¶ You should be happy
'cause you're such a ¶
(muttering)
¶ Cute cake.
Thank you very much.
Why don't you just
sweep it on out?
Everybody!
EVERYONE:
¶ You should be happy
For crying out loud!
¶ 'Cause you're
such a cute cake. ¶
Shut up, will ya?!
Merry Christmas.
You don't have
to say anything, Alex.
The look in your eyes
is thanks enough.
Okay, drivers, listen up here.
On behalf of myself
and the Sunshine Cab Company,
on this Christmas Eve,
I just want to say...
watch out for drunk drivers
and don't pick up anybody
who might puke in your cab.
Noel, Noel, joy to the world.
And get your butts out of here.
Donald, 218.
Uh, Q.K., cab 387.
Hi!
Latka told me that you
are making the cabbies
work tonight,
and I think that's terrible.
I didn't say they had to work.
I just said,
if they didn't work,
they might not get cabs
with the luxuries
that they've grown
accustomed to...
like reverse.
Well, Latka and I are having
a party tonight, Mr. Scrooge,
and I want to
get on the radio
and invite all
our friends.
(grunts)
Well, what would it take for you
to... to let us invite
all our friends?
$500.
Okay.
Will you take a check?
But, Simka,
how are we going to--
Shut up, my darling!
(smooches)
SIMKA:
There.
I don't think I'll be able
to cash a check
made out to
"The Bloodsucking Jackal."
Really?
Why?
Who would question it?
Simka, I do work for this man.
And I didn't hear
my name mentioned
in regard to the party, either.
Louie...
Louie, you poor, pathetic thing.
You only wanted money
because you thought you
weren't going to be invited.
Oh, Louie.
Oh, Louie,
Louie, Louie.
Poor Louie.
Does this mean
I'm invited?
If we have to.
I accept.
Yes!
I'll go spruce up.
You can use the radio.
Thank you, boss!
Reiger, Reiger.
Come in, Reiger.
(over radio):
Yeah, this is Alex.
Go ahead.
Uh, Louie said you don't
have to work tonight,
so come on over and spend
Christmas Eve tonight.
I-I have to go now.
Uh, that's a big ten-four,
good buddy.
Now, Simka, Simka,
I'm afraid I'm going
to have to say no,
but, uh, thank you anyway.
Should I bring something
to the party?
Oh, uh,
Simka has made everything
we need.
Do you like Christmas ham
with, uh, honey glaze
and pineapples on it?
Yeah.
Good.
Then you better bring one.
Hi, Phyllis.
I was just dropping by.
I thought I'd just stop in
and see how you were doing.
Did you eat all that?
Mm.
Alex, I just want to thank you
for not kicking me out.
This Christmas is so much better
than last year.
You really did
eat all that?!
You know, I eat
when I'm depressed.
I ate everything
in the refrigerator.
Well, anyway, I just, uh,
just want to see
how you were doing.
Did you know
that Frosty the Snowman melted
in the end?
Phyllis, I'm missing fares.
I have to go.
I'll, uh...
Alex, you know, sometimes,
when you look back,
things seem much better
than they actually
were, you know, but
I remember
we used to have some
wonderful Christmases together.
Yeah, you're right.
When you look back,
things do seem better.
No, no, no, no,
hey, no, no.
I mean, we had some wonderful
Christmases, we really did.
Look, I'll, um....
I'll check in
on you later, okay?
Can I get you anything?
A gallon of Rocky Road
and cable TV.
(laughs)
(laughs)
(laughs)
(laughs)
(both laughing)
Oh.
Rocky Road
and cable TV.
You want to go to a party?
Did you invite me to a party?
Or did I just have
a hypoglycemic rush?
No... come on.
I'll take you.
Really?
Yeah, come on.
Watching you
brings back old memories.
Every Christmas
my family would get a-a big,
beautiful, Scotch pine tree.
We'd gather around
and watch the servants
decorate it.
May I, for old times' sake?
Yeah, go ahead, Jim.
Not there, you fool!
Higher and to the left!
Boy, this is one
of the best Christmases
I've ever had.
Oh, the best!
(knocking on door)
Hi. Merry Christmas,
everybody!
Elaine!
(shrieks)
Look what my last fare
gave me!
What?
A manicure.
No, no, no, no.
This...
JIM:
Huh?
This gift. See?
Well, I picked this guy
up from the airport,
and he's coming back early
from a business trip, right?
So he's telling me
how great his wife is,
what a precious
jewel she is,
and how no present in the
world is worthy of her, right?
So we get to their house,
and she's out in the front
kissing some other guy.
SIMKA:
Wow!
So the guy leaves the cab,
and I say, "Wait a minute.
You forgot your gift," and he
says, "No, no, no, you keep it.
You deserve it more
than she does."
Well, open it!
ELAINE:
I know.
I wanted to wait.
I wonder
what it is.
I'll bet it's a watch.
No, no, not a watch,
but jewelry, I bet.
A pair of panties.
They say,
"Property of Hell's Angels."
Big spender.
A four-dollar item.
Six-fifty.
(knocking on door)
Oh, well.
Merry Christmas.
SIMKA:
Merry Christmas.
Oh.
Alex!
Oh, we're so glad
you could come.
Oh, hello, everybody.
You all remember
my ex-wife Phyllis?
Alex, do you have
to call me your ex-wife?
Oh, excuse me.
You remember Phyllis,
my podiatrist?
Welcome
to the party.
Oh, thank you very much.
Holidays are a time for
family, friends and joy.
And since I have none of those,
I'm glad to be here.
Phyllis, Phyllis,
Phyllis...
I see the life of the
party has arrived.
I got a great idea.
What?
Why don't we all tell
what we did last Christmas?
ELAINE:
Ooh.
Last Christmas?
Oh, no, that's a bad idea.
That's a terrible idea.
Just awful.
No, it'll be fun.
SIMKA:
Yeah.
Yeah, let's do it.
Who would like
to go first?
PHYLLIS:
No, no, no, no.
Last Christmas...
I was alone again,
so I decided,
uh, to go to a restaurant
where at least
I would be with some people.
So, um, sure enough...
I mean,
there must have been 50 people
at this restaurant--
a party of 49 and me.
Not one of those 49 people
asked me to join them.
Yeah.
Phyllis...
So I left.
I left, and I started
walking home.
And I kept bumping into
all sorts of happiness.
I mean, people
with loved ones,
just bustling to buy their
Christmas last-minute gifts.
And music
and laughter coming from
parties I wasn't
even invited to.
And suddenly,
I was struck...
By a bus, I hope.
No such luck, cutie.
I was struck
by a deeply
depressing revelation.
I am a lonely,
middle-aged woman
unable to deal
with Christmas.
(quiet moan)
Who invited
Alex's podiatrist?
(Alex speaks quietly,
indistinctly)
(knocking on door)
I...
Merry Christmas,
everybody.
(all talking)
Hey, listen, I hope
you don't mind, Simka,
but I brought some of the kids
from the youth center.
No, the more the merrier.
Come on.
LOUIE:
Hey.
TONY:
All right, all right,
listen, everybody,
this is Philly Fingers, Big Al
and Joey Mook over here.
Hello.
ALEX:
Hi.
Now, you guys steal anything,
I break your heads.
Say Merry Christmas.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I said say
Merry Christmas. Say it!
And God bless you. Say it!
BOYS (mumbling):
Merry Christmas.
All right, get over there
and sit down.
Latka, hide the silver.
In our country is tradition
that, at this time,
someone says the traditional
Christmas prayer.
Oh, yeah, and in our country,
it is a tradition
that the oldest woman
leads it.
Oh, no.
Oh, great; just great.
When were you born?
Uh, February, 1952.
February what?
Fourth.
Dear Lord...
Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Oh, we all have
to get ready.
Kneel for the prayer.
I said kneel
for the prayer.
Kneel. Come on, Al,
kneel, I said.
Good boys.
Okay, is everybody ready?
Yeah, let the good times roll.
Dear Lord, no offense,
but, uh,
could you spend less time
with the people
that don't need it?
I mean, like the women
from the Ice Capades
and ballplayers.
I mean, Lord,
what do you care
if a guy's stranded
on second base?
You got better
things to do.
Phyllis,
you're nudging God.
Also, for me, Lord,
stop short skirts
and bring back
two refills
per prescription
on Valium.
Oh.
And peace on earth
and goodwill
toward men.
Nice of you
to throw that in, Phyllis.
Yeah, great prayer, Phyllis.
If I could die now,
I'd be a happy man.
Oh, really, uh,
I shouldn't have come here.
I mean, I feel like I-I
ruined everybody's Christmas.
No, no, no, no, no.
ELAINE:
No.
(knocking at door)
No, that-that's all right.
SIMKA:
Okay.
You can be as depressing
as you want.
It won't hurt,
because I've got money.
ALEX:
Well, what's money
got to do with it?
(chuckles)
This.
¶ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way ¶
(all continue singing,
indistinctly)
JIM: I didn't know
what to pick,
so I told 'em
to send everything.
Alex, about New Year's Eve.
What?
You don't have to see me.
I'm gonna be on an airplane
far, far away.
Oh.
It's my Christmas gift to you.
Uh-huh.
So, how do you like
your present?
Like it? L-Like it? I love it.
It's perfect.
How-How did you know?
Well, it was either that,
or a shirt.
(laughs)
(laughs)
Well, anyway, um...
so long as, you know,
I'm not gonna be here
New Year's Eve, uh, um...
could I have my kiss now?
Hm?
Oh, come on, Phyllis,
please, will you?
Come on, Alex.
No. Come on,
let's...
Come on.
Just give me
a little kiss. Come on.
Phyllis.
Phyllis,
please...
Alex, come on.
Come on, let's just pretend,
you know...
I don't want...
I don't want to...
Alex, come on, we'll just
pretend it's New Year's Eve.
Okay? Right here.
No, we don't have
to do this.
Four...
Phyllis...
Three...
Oh, come on, Phyllis.
Two...
Please, please.
One.
Why don't you just
make it a nice...
¶ Should auld
acquaintance ¶
Phyllis, Phyllis,
stop that.
¶ Be forgot
Phyllis,
Phyllis, stop that.
I'm not gonna
do it, Phyllis.
¶ And never
brought to mind...¶
Phyllis!
Happy New Year, Phyllis.
Happy New Year, Alex.
(theme song playing)
WOMAN:
Merry Christmas, Mr. Walters!
(man grumbling)