Taxi (1978–1983): Season 3, Episode 4 - Elaine's Strange Triangle - full transcript

Elaine's dating a man who, unknown to her, is actually homosexual and attracted to Tony. Tony begs for Alex's help in letting the man down easy.

( theme music playing )

How's dinner, Elaine? Hmm?

Good, huh?

Yeah, it's great.

It's great.

I really appreciate this, guys.

Don't thank us, Elaine.

Seeing you cheer up
is reward enough.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I know I'm not responding much,

but I just don't bounce back
the way I used to.



Hey, believe me,

no guy's worth
getting this upset over.

No?

Elaine, you know what
I think you should do?

I think you should go out
with someone else right away.

That's a good idea.

I'm not talking
about falling in love,

or, you know,
getting involved.

I mean, just go out
with somebody else,

but right away.

I don't know anybody else.

Well, what about a stranger?

Maybe she don't
know any strangers.

Boy, you got
all the answers.



Hey, everybody.
Guess what?

I got a part.

TONY:
All right!

ALEX:
Congratulations.

TONY:
This calls for
a celebration.

Next round of drinks is on me.

No, no, no.

I got the part, I insist,

I want to pay for my own drink.
Not a chance.

Hey, Elaine, help
me go get 'em?

No, I don't...
Come on, come on.

The walk will
do you good.

Come on, baby.
Put it there. Hey.

Sit down, Bob.
Get a chair.

So, tell me, tell me, huh?

What's the part?
What's the part?

Well, it's in
an off-Broadway play

and I've been doing
a lot of thinking about it.

Uh, excuse me. Hi.

Are you two together?

Yeah, we're together.

Oh, whoa.
You mean she and I?

No, no, no, no, no.

We're just friends.

Uh, I'm Tony Banta,
and this is Elaine Nardo.

Pleased to meet you.

Kirk Bradshaw.

And we're pleased
to meet you, huh, Elaine?

Yeah, right. Hi.

So, Kirk,
you come here often?

Yeah, well, my office
is just around the corner.

Oh, yeah, what do you do?

I'm
an investment analyst.

Wow...

An invest... an
investment analyst.

Uh, small world.

Why, are you
an investment analyst?

Nah, cabdriver.

Hey, Kirk,
are you married?

No, Tony, I'm not.

Great. I got some people
I want you to meet.

Come on over.

Hey, guys.

This is Kirk Bradshaw.

He's an investment analyst
from here in New York,

and he's not married.

Why do I feel like I'm
watching a game show?

Tell us
what he's won, Tony.

Kirk, this is Alex,
Bobby, Latka, Jim,

and of course,
you know Elaine.

Oh, sure, we go way back.

JIM:
Sit down, Kirk.

Any friend of Elaine's
is a friend of ours.

TONY:
Yeah, we got a
good seat for you

right over here.

So, Kirk, let me tell you
a little bit about Elaine.

She's a cabdriver,

but she also works
in an art gallery.

Really?
I'm kind of an art buff.

Ooh!
Hey, an art buff.

I'm strictly an amateur
art buff, of course.

What kind of stuff you like?

Ah, just the simple
stuff, I guess.

French impressionists.

French impressionists--
that's her favorite.

Oh, my God.
Ooh-la-la!

Come on, will ya?

Come on,
you're embarrassing her.

No, it's okay.
It's okay.

I own a couple of pen and
ink drawings by Degas.

Really!
You got the real stuff.

Oh, hey, I think Elaine
would like to see those.

Oh, I'm really
sorry about this.

How about tomorrow
night, Elaine?

How about for dinner?

Oh, do you know

what you're putting
this poor man through?

How about dinner
tomorrow night, Elaine?

I'd really like to,
seriously.

I'm so embarrassed.

I wish you wouldn't be.

I'd love to show
you my drawings.

Oh...

Well, uh...
it might be fun.

Um, why don't you call me?

Let me give you
my phone number.

Here, here, I'll do it.
I'll get it.

BOTH:
5-5-5...

4-2-7...
4-4-2-4.

4-2-7...

ALEX/TONY:
4-2-7-6.

...7-6.

Here you go.

5-5...

Jim, Jim...

we got it.

Nice meeting you all.
Nice to meet
you, Kirk.

See you tomorrow night,
Elaine.

Okay. Bye-bye.

ALEX:
So long, Kirk.

Great guy.

Yes, he's very nice. Okay?

Uh, he seemed
a little pushy to me.

( Elaine humming )

( humming continues )

Anybody notice who's been
going around singing lately?

Is it me?

Yes. I've certainly
noticed a change

in a certain person's morale
in the last ten days or so.

I'm not denying it.

It goes
beyond singing.

I've noticed somebody
walking around

whistling and giggling
like a schoolgirl.

That's a lie.

Not you, Jim-- Elaine.

Oh, Elaine, uh,
it wouldn't have

anything to do
with your seeing

a lot of this
Kirk Bradshaw lately,

now would it?

He's a terrific guy.

( phone ringing )
I'll get it!

So, Elaine,

we're pretty good matchmakers,
huh?

Oh, will you quit gloating?

Although, I must admit
that you picked out

a better one for me
than I usually do.

Oh, a winner
the first time out.

Mr. Banta, congratulations.

Nardo...

928.

Hey, Tony, it's for you.

It's the guy from the gym.

He says you owe a
towel fee from April.

He's crazy.

I didn't shower
in April.

Hey, Louie, come on, huh?

Get us out of here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
here you go, here you go.

Dames. Sheesh.

"Sheesh," Louie?

Yeah.

No matter how many bums
a woman dates,

whenever a new one comes along,

she thinks this one
is going to be Mr. Right.

You ever notice that?

Notice it?

I depend on it.

Come on, Lou.

Rieger, do you
hate anything

as much as I
hate Wheeler?

I doubt it.

Have a terrible
evening, Lou.

Same to you, Rieger.

Ignatowski!

Yo.

Starship 314.

LOUIE:
Banta, come on,
look alive here!

One second, Lou.
One second.

Hey, hey. Who are you?

Kirk Bradshaw.

And who are you?

In here, God.

Oh, oh. Kirk.

Kirk Bradshaw.

Oh, you're the young fellow

who's dating our Miss Nardo.

That's right.

How far did you get?

Come on. Come on,
a little guy-talk here.

Did you hit a home run?

Come on, I'm not going
to tell anybody.

I'm not going
to tell you anything

about my relationship
with Elaine.

Well, some friend you are, Kirk.

What was that about?

Aw, he's a jerk.

Hey, so,
how you doing, Kirk?

Pretty good.

Pretty good,
you son of a gun, you.

You and Elaine seeing
a lot of each other.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah,
you son of a gun, you.

That's why I stopped by,
I wanted to talk to her.

Well,
you just missed her.

She just went out.

Oh? Just as well, I guess.

What's the matter,
you two got a problem?

Yeah. I'm afraid so.

I've been meaning to
talk to her about it

ever since I met her.

I just can't seem
to be able to.

Well, sit down.

Tell me about it.

Come on.

See...

I'm in a tough spot.

I really like Elaine...

You son of a gun, you.

Tony, the problem is I
like somebody else, too.

Oh... somebody else.

Oh, man, that's a problem.

It is a problem, Tony.

I feel bad about it.

I honestly never meant
to get involved with Elaine.

Remember the night
I came up to you two at the bar?

I said, "Are you two together?"

Yeah, I told you we weren't.

Well,

she wasn't the one
I was after, Tony.

Oh, no?

No.

Oh, no, no, no, no...

Banta, what the
hell's going on here?

You're supposed to
be out on the road.

I ain't going, Louie.

I got a problem.

Aw, not again.

The one on the left's the brake.

The one on the right's the gas.

Louie, leave me alone.

Something's really
bothering you, huh, Banta?

Yeah.

So, why haven't you
unloaded it on Rieger?

'Cause everybody's
always unloading on Alex,

and it's terrible for him.

I ain't dumping this one on him.

Oh...

Oh, I see what
you're getting at.

Well, who else in
this cab company

would offer the maturity,
the character, and poise

required to be a
real confidant?

Uh...

You pick me or your butt's
flying out of here.

No way you can make me
tell you this, Louie.

Okay, okay, Tony.
All right.

I know exactly
how you feel.

I got problems
of my own.

You ain't got
no problem like this one.

Maybe, maybe not.

I don't know anything
about your problems

so I really don't know.

But my problems...
yecch!

Yecch!

I'll tell you,
some of them...

ah, I just
don't even want

to think about them.

Especially...

that one.

What one?

Ah, never mind.

Believe me, there's
nothing in this world

that I'd like better

than to share this with
another human being.

I mean, just one time

to have another
person understand

what I live with
every day of my life.

You know, if there was
anybody that I would tell,

it would be you, Tony.

My paisano.

( speaking Italian )

( Speaking Italian )

Aw, I just can't do it.

Unless...

Unless what?

Well...

if you were to tell me

about that little
problem of yours--

I mean, just as
an act of faith--

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, no, no, never
mind, never mind.

This is better kept

in the deep, dark
recesses of my soul.

Hey, Louie, it's not good
to keep things inside you

where they can eat at you.

Okay, Lou,
let's trade secrets.

Thanks, Tony.

All right,
I'll tell you what.

Just so that
neither one of us

has to say these things
out loud,

we'll write them on
a piece of paper,

and then
we'll trade secrets.

Good idea, Louie.

Pencil.

Oops. I got it.

Okay.

Oh, I can't go through
with this.

I can't go through with this.

Oh, come on, Lou.
It will help you.

I think it's helping me. Paisan.

All right, but after,
we'll burn the pieces of paper.

Sure.

"The guy Elaine
is going out with

just made
a pass at me"?

Oh...

Now I'll read yours, okay?

"Ha, ha."

Ha, ha.

Hey, Louie...

Ha, ha.

You're my favorite,
Banta!

( shouting indistinctly )

Hey, Tony,
how's it going?

Not great.

Why aren't you drinking?

I can't-- I had to give
all my money to Louie.

To Louie?

Hey, let me have
a couple of beers.

How come? What for?

Never mind, it's
a long story.

Hey, I got something I
got ask you-- a problem.

What do you call
one of them questions

that didn't happen

but you ask it
like it really did?

Hypothetical?

Right-- hypothetical.

Okay, let's say
you're dating a girl,

and you really like her,

and she makes
a pass at me.

Would you want
me to tell you?

How come
you're asking me that?

It's just hypothetical.

What are you getting
so weird about?

Well, it's kind
of a strange question

to come out of the clear
blue sky, Tony, you know?

Bobby, I'm just
asking you...

I know why you're asking me.
It's Debbie, isn't it? Huh?

Well, she's pulled that
little trick once too often.

I'm going to tell her
we're through.

Thanks a lot, Tony.
I owe you one.

ELAINE:
Bobby, is Tony in there?

BOBBY:
Yeah, he's inside.

Tony...

Did Kirk stop
by the garage

after I left tonight?

Kirk?
Yeah.

No, I didn't see
any Kirk. No Kirk.

No, I didn't see Kirk.
No?

What gave you that idea?

Oh, Alex said he
thought he saw him

as he was driving off.

Well, I sure didn't
see any Kirk.

Hmm...

Are you okay?

I'm fine. I just have
something on my mind.

Aw, you want to talk about it?

I haven't decided yet.

Mm... well, okay.

Well, I'm going to be home
if you want to call, okay?

Thanks, Elaine.

Okay. I got
to go. Bye.

Hello, Tony.

Hello?

What's the matter?

You're too sad to talk?

Okay, I do your part
for you then.

Hello, Tony.

( imitates Tony ):
Hello, Latka.
How you doing there?

Fine. How are you?

Hey, I'm okay.
How you doing? I'm all right.

Why don't you sit down,
have a seat there.

Well, I'd like to,
but I don't have any money.

That's all right.
You're my pal.

Pals don't need no money.

Have one on me.

All right. Thank you very much.
You're very nice.

Hello?

What's the matter,
you have the blues?

Well, why don't you order
some drinks,

and we can talk about it.

I can't. I got no money.

And, anyway, I don't think
you'd understand my problem.

Yes, I would.

I don't think so.

You know anything
about bisexuals?

Of course. They are
very popular in my country.

They are?

Yeah. Oh, almost
everybody have them.

And, uh, one of our
favorite sports is racing them.

And when we are not...

when we are not using them,

we have special racks
where we chain them up at night.

Latka, I'm not talking
about bicycles.

I'm talking about bisexuals.

So am I.

Listen, I hope

that you feel better,
all right?

Good-bye.
Take it easy.

Hi, Latka.

Hello, Alex.

Hi, Tony.

Hi, Alex.

Can I have a beer,
Charlie?

Hey, Alex, uh...

Yeah?

I really tried
to work this out myself

but, uh...

I got the worst problem
of my whole life, Alex.

Now, hold it, hold it.
Hold it right there.

Just hold it right there.

I've decided
I'm not going to listen

to any more sentences
that start like that.

Now, wait...
No, I'm serious.

There are a lot of sentences
that I will listen to--

I mean, ones that start with,

"Alex, I'd like
to pass on a compliment."

"Alex,
I've got a woman for you."

"Alex,
I want to give you money."

Those are sentences
I will listen to.

But, "Alex, I've got
the worst problem of my life"

is right up there with,
"Alex, is that thing

on your neck
getting any bigger?"

I don't want to hear that.

No, I'm through
listening to them.

I'm through solving
other people's problems.

I'm no longer
in that line of work.

The office is closed.

The doctor is out.

Sally doesn't live here anymore.

You finished?

Yes. What's your problem?

Oh...

Oh, Alex, I really did try
to spare you from this,

but, uh, I'm not so sure

the guy that Elaine's
going out with

is right for her.

That's your problem?

Tony, Tony, what are
you worried about?

We picked a winner.

ALEX:
That's your problem?

Besides,
who are we to decide

who's right
or wrong for Elaine?

Yeah, that's right,
except for one thing.

Nothing.

Well, except
this one thing.

What one thing?

He wants to date me.

No...

Yeah...

No. You must have misinterpreted
what he meant.

Well, he said
my simplicity was engaging,

and that
we'd be wonderful together.

Oh, no.

See, now, the point
is, here, Alex,

is this could go
rough on Elaine.

If she's getting
serious about him,

she should know.

So should I tell her?

No. I say he ought to tell her.

Someone's got to talk to Kirk
and set him straight,

as it were.

Thanks, Alex.

Let me know how it turns out.

No! No! No!
I'm not going to do it.

For once in my life,
I am not going to let

this thing
get dumped in my lap.

You tell him.

All right, I know it's my job.

But you think you could
come along with me?

I mean, you don't
have to say nothing.

All you got to do is
sit there and be a buddy.

Come on, Alex. Please,
please, please, please.

All right, all right.

I don't understand.

Why can't you do this
by yourself?

I can't be alone with him.

I'm the one he spends
tortured nights
dreaming about.

He said that?

No. I'm just assuming.

KIRK:
Alex.

Oh, hi, Kirk.

Hello.
Hi.

How you doing?

Is Tony here yet?

No. He called and said
he'd be delayed.

Oh.

That gives us
a chance to chat.

Yeah, sure, okay.

This is a gay bar,
isn't it?

Yeah, sure.

This your first time here?

Oh, yes, yes.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
by saying "yes" so quickly

that it'd be terrible
if I'd been here before,

because, well, actually, it
would not have been terrible

if I'd been here before.

You know, I've been meaning to.

Just out of curiosity,
of course.

I don't mean you're
a curiosity, but I, I mean....

Let's not chat anymore.

I used to be such a
good chatter, you know.

Look, uh, Kirk, I...
I have a really terrible...

uh, difficult thing
to talk to you about,

and I don't even
know how to start.

Alex, I think I can guess
what you're trying to tell me.

You can?

But I've already told
Elaine that I'm bisexual.

Shh.

Oh, okay. It's okay here.

I'm sorry.

Anyway,

we're still friends,
and we had a fine talk.

Oh, and by the way,

I understand
that Tony's not interested

and that's okay, too.

Oh... wow.

Can we have a couple of beers?

Sure. Hey, Chief, can we
get a couple of beers?

Well, I thought this was
going to be difficult,

but instead,
it's a snap.

Boy, am I
a lucky guy.

Excuse me.
Would you like to dance?

Just for the sake of optimism,
no, go ahead, I don't mind.

No, I meant you.

Oh, no, no. I'm just having
a beer with a pal. Thanks.

Come on,
don't be shy.

No, no, no, no,
I really can't.

( dance music playing )

It's okay with me.

Whoa.

* *

( muttering )

Oh, good step.

Duck!
What?

Thanks, pal.
Thank you very much.

Yeah, one, two, three, ha!

One, two, three, go!

One, two, three, step!

One, two, three, dance!

One, two, three, dance!

( dance music continues )

( all cheering and whooping )

( all shouting encouragement )

( louder cheers )

( rhythmic clapping )

( cheering and dance music
continue )

( wild cheering )

( crowd screaming )

Alex, Elaine's heart
is getting broken.

You're having
a great time here dancing.

I'll never understand

how you could
have let that happen.

I don't care what you say.

I would never
dance with that guy.

No, not you,
you little heartbreaker.

Give me my trophy.

( stifled chuckle )

( chuckling )

Hi, guys.

Hiya, Jim.

Hey, Jim,
what do you say?

Hey, Alex, what's that for?

For acting like a jerk.

Why doesn't anybody ever
tell me about these contests?

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )